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maria
October 15, 2016 at 11:15 pm
Hi.
I don’t know if I should write to my ex. We’ve been together for 4 years and he broke up with me 3 months ago. We haven’t talked since then. I saw him few times but we didn’t say hello. I heard that he’s been seeing his ex girlfriend for a short time, nothing serious. In our relationship we had trust issues and we broke up a few times. But this time he said that he can’t see our future, that he’s too afraid to trust me. But in the end he said that maybe there will be a chance for us again. Maybe in a week, maybe in a month, in a year. And I’ve been holding on to that thought. He is a very stubborn person and when he decides something, no matter what he feels, he does it. But the problem is that I’ve always changed his mind and we eventually always got together. This time I decided not to do anything because I always did something.. Now, I feel that if I don’t reach out to him we will lose everything we once had. I really feel that maybe I could do something to save this ended relationship because i strongly believe in our love. I know I didn’t do everything I could’ve done and I know there is more left to do for the sake of us and the sake of our love. Should I do something about it? If yes, what do you suggest? What should I tell him? I don’t wanna get him back through begging and pleading because I know that won’t work and it will push him further away. Hope you can help me..
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 16, 2016 at 9:09 pm
Hi Maria,
You don’t want to get him back by begging and pleading, and yet you want to write a letter to him.. That’s still chasing.. If he sees your life now, would he think you have improved, grown and moved on? Would he be attracted and regret not having you in his life?
Jess
October 9, 2016 at 7:05 pm
I need help. My guy broke up with me about 2 weeks ago after dating for over 2.5 years. We’ve still been talking daily. Not nearly as much. I didn’t talk to him barely at all the other day and went to go get some things I needed from his place. While I was there he wanted to lay on the bed with me and talk. We talked for hours and laughed and he even said he is gonna get me back. He told me he still loved me but was not in love with me at the moment. He said he wants to be with me so badly but can’t right now. He had then asked if I would still go to the gym with him the next day and I said yes. Then that night, he cancelled on me saying he was tired from work. The next day, which is today, he says he still wants to get back together, but he is not ready yet. He says he does not know what is holding him back. What does that mean? What should I do?
maria
October 17, 2016 at 10:54 pm
I don’t know. After 4 years, I still don’t know what he thinks. His friends had bad influence on him. One moment he was kind and when he was with them he would completely lose his mind. Now, I’m sure he’s hanging out with them regularly. That’s why I’m afraid to write to him and tell him how i feel. I don’t know how he will respond. I want to say something to him but I’m afraid that it would scare him or push him away. Yet, I believe that he will remember all the good times we had together.. I just feel that we can have another chance, but I’m too afraid to try and I actually don’t know how to it..
And yes, I’ve been working on myself. I started working out, took some classes, continued with my studies. I’ve been hanging out with friends and my family everyday , they are my biggest support and they’ve been helping me a lot.
What should I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 18, 2016 at 8:16 pm
try to slowly build rapport after nc instead.. and aim to be the ungettable girl.check this one:
The Ungettable Girl
Jess
October 16, 2016 at 8:17 pm
How long do you recommend? Is there anything else I should be doing?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 18, 2016 at 12:04 pm
do at least 30 days.. Make it productive.. be active in improving yourself..
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 11, 2016 at 9:18 am
Hi Jess,
he lost attraction with you.. Do you want to try doing the no contact rule?
Alison
October 1, 2016 at 2:10 pm
Hi Amor
I don’t know if my situation is that relevant to this site. I am dating someone right now, nothing huge – just casual for the last couple of months. Everything has been fairly good except on two occasions. One, he hurt me by doing something and instead of rewarding it by ignoring the situation like I have in past relationships I flat out told him that it hurt me. The 2nd, I had a terrible day that was made worse by an ex throwing abuse at me making me feel like I was worthless. When I needed someone to prove that this ex was wrong, my current partner told me that he didn’t want to go out. I replied with a Fine, next time you ask to go out. I didn’t mean it sound angry just an honest…. “Ok that’s fine. Next time, it’s your turn to ask for a date.” That really wasn’t the issue. It is the issue that both times, when I was upset, he had to make it worse with the whole ‘just so you know, I’m not looking for anything serious right now.” Are you kidding me? I was just in a relationship that ended badly a few months prior to us starting to date and I did not want to jump into something serious again. If he thinks I’m writing hearts around his name in my diary, planning a whole ‘meet the parents’ night or telling people he is my boyfriend he is hugely mistaken. Yet, I know that in a few months (or even next year) I will want to have something serious. How can I get him to understand that I’m not ready for that right now, without hurting the relationship, and yet still lay groundwork for him to want something serious?
EBR Team Member: Amor
October 4, 2016 at 4:20 pm
Hi Alison,
I think all you need is to talk it out. Just choose a time that it will not be too serious..Like after a good movie while having fun..
Delilah
September 28, 2016 at 1:21 pm
Hello!
I have one ex-bf who I had dated for 2 years. He is arab, and at that time he had told me upfront he was not ready for marriage. I thought I also just wanted to have fun, but both of us ended falling in love. But he would not change, and maintained he was not ready for marriage. I called it quits and stopped seeing him. I moved on but it has been 7 years and I had a few relationships after that and recently out of a 6 yr old long one (I was abandoned and cheated badly here). My ex has been in touch with me every now and then and coincidentally he pops up again. He does not know of my dating history after we broke up but he still says he misses me and wants to travel to another country with me and find jobs together. Now, I still do have strong feelings for him but do not want to end up doing the same mistake 7 years ago!
I casually asked him what if he gets a job and I don’t, do I go back to where I came from? He responded – you could stay or go – it’s up to you. Fact is, this time he said he wanted me to think about both of us and our future but then he is not stating it upfront. What is going on here? Are there any chances or he is just bored and depressed and wasting my time?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 30, 2016 at 10:19 am
hi Delilah,
it looks like he’s interested but the thing is, that doesnt mean he wants to marry you right ahead.. It’s like he’s willing to go into a serious relationship and then see it from there if it will progress to him wanting marriage
Anon
September 6, 2016 at 10:06 am
My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me about 2 months ago. He was my first everything! He broke up with me because he says that he finds it difficult to balance university and a relationship, but he now says that he fell out of love.
I completed the no-contact rule and we have started speaking again. He now says that he just wants to be single and not have any commitments so that he can focus in his degree. He says he wants us to be friends but I want him back! I don’t know what to do!
Anon
September 25, 2016 at 9:57 pm
Is there still a chance though? I would move mountains to get him back, but he says that he doesn’t want a girlfriend. I don’t know if he’ll change his mind! He seems pretty keen on staying single but wants to be friends! I don’t want to be just his friend, I’ve told him that it’s too difficult for me to be his friend.
He came over to see me, and we were just talking and he started kissing me! Long story short we went to 3rd base and the next day he has blocked me! It’s like he got what he wanted and left! Please help!
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 26, 2016 at 10:18 am
Yeah, that’s what it was.. He blocked you so that you wouldn’t expect that you’re back together after sleeping with him
Anon
September 8, 2016 at 12:39 pm
I have asked him and he says that he doesn’t want any commitments! I tried explaining to him that we wouldn’t be long distance anymore as we’ll be going to university in the same city so it wouldn’t be as difficult!
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 9, 2016 at 2:19 pm
oh no.. that’s too fast.. it’s chasing.. the process should actually be that you would be in no contact, improve and heal while in it, slowly build rapport through text first, and then calls and then meet ups..
basically you’ re going to slowly build rapport because he has to think that you have moved on..
it’s like srarting out as friends again.. and one of the most important factor is that you improve yourself during and while building rapport with him..
maybe you can still do one last try.. do 45 days and then start that process
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 7, 2016 at 7:14 am
Hi Anon,
did you ask him to get back with you?I think you need to review the article above and read this one too: What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Wants To Stay Friends
Clair
July 22, 2016 at 6:13 am
I’m “dating” my ex. He always asks me out and texts me first, and tells me that he loves me and told me that he was stupid for breaking up with me, but hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend. What do I do?
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 22, 2016 at 7:56 pm
Hi Clair,
chill and don’t be too available.. go out on your own or with friends and do your own thing, so it creates a little bit of urgency with him
Melissa
July 19, 2016 at 5:18 pm
My ex dumped me 10 months ago and since, Its been vicious cycle of breaking and making up an on and off again toxic relationship. We were together for a year before and lived together, talked about marriage and spent lots of family time prior to breakup. Needless to say, we’ve had tons of fights since the initial breakup 10 months ago.
Anyways I did NC again the last time we broke up but only lasted 9 days. He started calling, text, fb messaging etc said he wanted to work things out and that he missed me so much etc.I gave in and we made up again. Since, he calls everyday and communicates better and making more effort more this time than the others but he still is not commiting the way I want, like we used to be..living together and in a serious relationship.
My question is, do i start NC again or give him a chance to continue to slowly commit? I want more time, the little stuff , calls, family time, a title, live together…maybe I’m asking too much? Just want it how it was but with more trust in each other..
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 21, 2016 at 10:51 am
Hi Melissa,
take it slow.. I think living together is too early to ask.. try to focus i. having your own routine and life now, so that you won’t get inpatient with him and make him feel at ease that you’re not pressuring him to be together
BEC
July 6, 2016 at 7:06 am
Me and my ex dated thorughout the last two years of high school (we’re now 23). I am very insecure and he was/is quite sensitive so he couldn’t take how much I was smothering him (jealousy and that kind of stuff), and we broke up around finals during year 12. He was my first and it was all very melodramatic.
Since then, I’ve dated two guys in relatively long-term relationships and he’s had a short 4 month relationship with 3 to 4 casual one/two-night flings. All the while, after the initial 6 months of heartbreak and confusion, a few post-breakup hook-ups, and 8 months of pretty much no contact out of spite, me and him reconciled and we were almost best friends for a long time. We kept a respectable distance while I was in a 3.5 year long distance relationship. After I broke up with my third ex 2 months ago, I was confiding with my ex about it (he had always been very supportive of my relationship and seemed genuinely sad for me when we broke up), and as you’d expect we ended up talking more and more. Our social circles have been overlapping and merging throughout the last two months, and not too long after I got out of my relationship, me and my ex ended up in a friends with benefits relationship. At first I don’t think I liked him in that way, or I was unaware that my dormant feelings were resurfacing. Having come out of a long distance relationship, the lust for physical stuff was very evident and we both agreed it was for fun and just casual. However we’ve ended seeing each other almost every day somehow for the last two months and it’s been bothering him that I’m coming off as more and more clingy to our friends, and since i’m not very subtle it’s obvious to to other people that there’s something between us, or at least that I like him. All the while, I still feel very insecure and upset when he brings up other girls that he isn’t seeing but have the potential and he is ‘interested in’ (along the lines of “I don’t know what it is with her yet, she’s just really cool. We just chill now, i’ll see where it goes.”) He understands that I still like him (which is probably why I still get jealous) and he says he likes me back to a certain degree but he still wants to explore his options, and therefore doesn’t want to get back together with me.
Without sounding like I”m trying to defend him, he’s a very good guy who has taken care of me and been a really supportive confidant and just hangout buddy even when we were just friends. We’ve always been very close and we know each other quite well, if anything him knowing me the best out of all my current friends. He does get very frustrated thought that I still get jealous, as I theoretically shouldn’t, and it’s just a difficult situation because I know that I like him more than he does me, even though I think we both see each other as very important friends and special to each other.
Yesterday we had a very intense discussion and he put down his foot about our relationship, saying it had become too complicated so let’s stop doing the whole friends with benefits thing cos I was getting too clingy and emotionally attached. I can’t say that’s not true because I am a lot more emotionally driven while he is more logical, and because it was my first time having sex outside of a relationship I probably committed all the sins of casual sex and got too attached, albeit the added dimension of him being my ex/long-time good friend didn’t help. However, I reckon he still didn’t help because when we got couply both in private or in public, he wouldn’t necessarily put distance between us and sometimes would even encourage that kind of interaction. He said he knows I want to be number one but he can’t give me that now and he still wants to explore other options with other girls in the future (although right now it’s just me, and i trust him on this). I think to a certain degree I share this sentiment as I feel like I would like to meet more people, but at the moment I just feel very confused and messed up because I still really like him but I also don’t have expectations to date at the moment. It’s tricky because I like to delude myself into thinking I’d be ok just liking him and continuing the casual relationship even if we don’t progress to dating, but at the same time when it sounds like he’s interested in another girl for a serious relationship I get very upset and possessive. He said let’s take a month to cool off then see where we go from there, “but don’t bank on that” (as in I need to be prepared for us to permanently revert to being just friends.
Sorry that was a bit of a ramble, and it probably just soundslike a typical case of possessive ex…. but if you have any advice on how to proceed it’d be greatly appreciated.
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 6, 2016 at 10:10 am
Hi Bec,
i want to be honest. You were emotionally involved.. he’s not.. so, don’t ever be fwb again.
start active now
Brittany
June 22, 2016 at 2:34 am
So here is a tough spot. My ex had a kid with a evil person. I met his kid before. His ex uses his kid to control him in to doing everything she wants him to do. Me and said kid get along well. He wanted to marry me but because of my job would have to move to another country with me. The ex got involved and I couldn’t take the pressure. I broke up with him. He was cheated on by evil baby momma so I know he’s not comfortable dating so soon, even if he is. He still says he loves me, I love him too, he says he wants me and is confused, same as me. The issue is, his ex keeps getting involved with us, forbade him from seeing me after I took breathing room, and his family, since his child is their blood too, insists that he doesn’t get back with me. He told me that if we got back together it would have to be a secret, and also discusses the possibility of him marrying someone else. He said that his ex refuses to let anyone he’s dating meet his child, until he gets married and not to me. What do I do? How can I comfort him and provide support. He’s terrified of his ex because she is abusive, so he’s scared to cause a fuss in a custody battle.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 22, 2016 at 9:56 am
Hi Brittany,
I’m not a lawyer, but if he didn’t do anything bad, the law wouldn’t forbade him from seeing his child. He has to man up, and speak up and maybe even collect abusive acts of his ex. so the law would favor him more. As for you, you have to be distant. I think it will even help him because he will have time to think and realize you’re not waiting forever and you’re not supporting the abusive behavior of his ex.
Anon
May 26, 2016 at 5:09 pm
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years. He was my best friend in high school for a year before asking me to be his girlfriend. We were each other’s first everything and still remained as best friends and lovers. We’ve reached a bump in our relationship when I had a life changing event (eye complications). It made me feel depressed and I relied on him as my happiness. It was to a point where he would choose online gaming than talk it out with me. This was going on for 2 years. We’ve had a pretty great time together, but we’ve also had some arguments that were slowly getting worse as our communication and alone time was diminishing. We would hang out with his friends a lot, go on errands, but rarely any dates. We’ve had such a long history together, but after one big fight, he realized enough was enough. He had GIGS. He told me he just wants to date other people. See what it was like. He told me to move on, but I don’t believe high school relationships have to end. He knows relationships aren’t perfect but he just wanted to try it out. He says he doesn’t know what will happen in the future, but I shouldn’t wait for him so I won’t get hurt. I want to though because I think our history and connection may bring us together in the end. He’s been pushing me away & blocked me on social media so I can grieve and accept the fact that he’s done. Obviously, I’m still hurt, but he says he wants to remain friends as I am still one of his best friends (and two other guys), but he doesn’t want me to get hurt. It’s been 2 weeks since the official break up. I’m gonna do NC for a month. I don’t know what else to do. I want to move on, but “not move on” because I still think I’m the one for him. There’s no other girl right now, but how do I get him back if he’s so sure he’s done and wants to see other people? Can time only tell?
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 29, 2016 at 3:34 pm
Hi Anon,
Yes, it’s a gigs phase. You’re young and you’ve been together in a long time. So, it looks like it got boring for him. You can’t be his everything. Nobody can be everything for somebody. You know, for a relationship to work long term, there has to be variety. We can’t guarantee that no contact will solve it for you, but it’s the first step to gain your individuality because in order to have variety in the relationship, you have to have your own life. YOu have to have something to bring in the table. If you let your world revolve around one person and you don’t grow and expand your world, it will really get boring in the long run, sickness or not.
I suggest you check out this posts too
How To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Regret Letting You Go
What Really Attracts An Ex Boyfriend To You?
Chase Theory: How To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Chase You Again
Anon
May 26, 2016 at 5:53 pm
We’ve had such a rough history because we had been together since high school where we all make mistakes, but I know we’ve had the most craziest memories growing up. I don’t want them to just be memories. But he wanted to leave because of the messed up past. It was all good until 2 years ago when my eyes became a problem and he sought online gaming for stress relief. I became clingy, but I’ve been working on it. Everything was fine, our personalities were great together, but he couldn’t handle the fights. He cares about me but says he doesn’t love me the same anymore. He says he’s been feeling that way for a little over 6 months, but has never talked to me about it until he decided he was just done. I’ve said countless times throughout our relationship that I can promise I would always be faithful, honest, loyal, and committed. I’ve proved it myself as well, so I think he knows I’m capable of keeping those promises. But I think it’s still not enough for him. I’m insecure that it isn’t enough simply because of my bad attitude these past 2 years. I wish he could given me a chance after my eye complication is over so I can show I didn’t change into this horrible person. It’s bad of me, but I honestly wish he would get hurt a couple times and realize how great I was and that working out the fights was worth it. He’s never been truly hurt by betrayal in our relationship. I’m ready for the harsh truth, but I want to know there’s a way to rekindle that love because I know it has happened before. I don’t want to be the “one that got away,” but I don’t want to get hurt waiting either.
Anon
May 26, 2016 at 5:18 pm
I know NC should be for me, but what if he doesn’t miss me after, and still has GIGS. He thinks he’s been unhappy, but we’ve had such great times. We connect on such a deeper level and we know just about everything about each other. Stress has driven us apart, but my eye complications is coming to and end. I’ve tried to tell him it gets better when it’s all over. I can’t convince him to stay, he wants to explore. Do I try to become the UG before he finds a new girlfriend? He’s been so important to me and he says he cares about me, but I don’t want his future girlfriend pushing me out because of our history. I don’t want to sabotage his relationships, but I want him to realize that he had everything he could ever need with me. I know I can’t stop someone from having GIGS, but I just can’t believe why he wouldn’t work it out with me first before giving up (we’re 22 and 23). Is it because he’s young and that’s what boys do?
Jess
May 16, 2016 at 6:05 pm
Hey, I think my situation is kind of tough. My ex and I dated almost 4 years and was friends long before that. He broke up with me for the first time a year ago, I think because everyday stresses got to us both, me particularly. We tried getting back together but since he has moved 900 miles away so we have been on and off. I tried no contact and bought ex boyfriend recovery I think I moved too fast and scared him off though. He moved on at one point and I went three months without contacting him when he finally contacted me begging for me back and said he missed and loved me. Every time I make an effort to fly down and see him he uses work as an excuse to not have me. He works odd hours and is on call a lot and doesn’t get vacation days till June. This makes me think there might be someone else because I feel if he really wanted to see me he would. However in January we broke up again and haven’t been official since but we are on good terms. I seen him in March for the first time he moved because I was traveling with friends. He most recently told me he cares and likes me but I still can’t get him to commit to a visit. I was wondering if trying no contact again was the next step to try and make him want to be with me again enough to plan to see me in person?
Thanks
Jess
May 24, 2016 at 11:47 pm
Yes I have continued working on myself I started tanning, getting my nails done, went shopping and working out (lost some weight too). I have hung out a lot with both my girl and guy friends. And I have went on several dates but not dated anyone official. At times I feel he’s just friends with me to keep me around but he also shows signs of jealousy towards pictures I post on social media. He mentioned wanting to move back if he found a job, but I’m not sure if he’d want to be with me even if he did move here.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 24, 2016 at 6:36 am
Hi Jess,
Have you continued to do activities you started during no contact to improve yourself? and have you tried dating others?
Ban
March 16, 2016 at 6:48 am
I was with my ex for 6 months. I had a lot of stress with my eldest teenager. Long story short. We split up. My ex turned out to be angry towards the end. Never hit me but just started to raise his voice. I ended it as I have been in an abusive relationship before and could see us heading that way. I did the NC rule. It’s now been five weeks. I unblocked him on Facebook last nite. He straight away wished me well in the future and said no hard feelings?? Now I’m not sure what to do but he seems very calm. I feel I have closure now. My friends hate him for disrespecting me. I adore him still. Do I re block him? Please help
Ban
March 17, 2016 at 3:02 pm
Thanks so much. Time will tell if he’s serious. If not. I’m already healing as the days go by. I’m improving my life.
Ban
March 17, 2016 at 3:10 am
Thanks. My friends absolutely hate me being with him as his past record is not good. I know he adores me. They say he will start to be violent but I don’t think anybody has done NC rule. Should I block him for another 30 days? It’s only because I’m worried about slipping back into a relationship like the last. He got so jealous and accused me of all sorts because his ex cheated on me. Maybe another 30 days will heal him? Or will his feelings go? I’m not playing games. I just have to be sure as I want us solid. Thanks
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 17, 2016 at 1:17 pm
Nope, we can’t be sure of that.. We only do nc for ourselves and hope the best for our ex coz you can’t control him.. But if you’re basing that on how well you know him, that’s okay to do another 30 days, just keep in mind that the bottom line is you have to be emotionally ready..
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 16, 2016 at 9:40 pm
Hi Ban,
Nope.. That’s a good sign that he’s calm. It’s going to be easier for you to rebuild rapport
KK
February 28, 2016 at 11:27 pm
Great advice all around.
My particular situation (which may seem common to the experts) is very unique. My ex and I split about a month ago he broke it off with me after I brought up ( several times during our 9 month relationship) that I wanted a deeper connection with him. I felt like he was holding back. Quick summary of our background – he’s been great from the beginning – I have had some traumatic relationship experience so was very guarded for most of the beginning of our relationship. After about 5 and half months he said we should live together I seriously considered it. I decided at that time it wasn’t a good idea, because I didn’t want to loose control or put myself in a position for a terrible breakup and have to move again. He totally understood and didnt pressure me about it further. Skip forward to beginning of February (almost 9 months) we went on a vacation together in January which was good, but my attitude had been getting worse because I just couldn’t seem to get him to open up to me and talk about things that were bugging me.
In January he started a new job and has to travel a LOT! he spent 3 weeks in China we talked during his time away but when he got back we spent 4 days of awesomeness together and it went straight back to our normal routines and grind… Me feeling like I needed more attention ( other than just coming over after work and watching tv) and him stressed out and very very busy.
February 2nd he broke my heart in his kitchen saying that he just couldn’t offer me what I wanted he isn’t as affectionate as me he comes from a broken home and were just really different people. I left after crying (totally blindsided) and didnt contact him until Valentines day. After valentines we’ve periodically spent some days together. I have taken him to the airport picked him up, slept with him once over the last month (very early on when i thought we were just in a fight and things were going to go back to normal). BTW this is our first ever fight/argument to this extreme.
Then the shit hit the fan, while I was at a concert a friend of mine came up to me and said my ex boyfriend wasnt a good guy that on good authority the ex has been texting another girl for the last month and showed me a picture… this friend did not know the details but just thought that i should know. After thinking about this and believing it I attempted to sever all ties with my ex boyfriend after multiple attempts from him to contact me the next day. I finally sent a text saying you’re not the man i thought you were.
after a long drawn out conversation most of which I went nuclear crazy accusing him of all sorts of cheating and betrayal that lasted several hours. I decided to just call it quits as he swore up and down and had valid explanations for all of the above accusations. Keep in mind we’ve been split for the last month so really he doesn’t owe me any explanation whatsoever.
After making a fool of myself, I texted the next morning (today) and said “YIKES I’m embarrassed” to which I never expected a response. He texted back right away letting me know he was at the gym… he called and acted like nothing even happened.
I asked if he wanted to ride bicycles because the weather was so nice and he agreed. we spent an hour or so outside and then he wanted me to do the deed with him after I kind of cuddled up next to him when we came back after riding bikes. we both decided it wasnt a good idea after i told him i didnt just want to be friends with benefits and I wanted him to be my boyfriend again~ after agreeing with me and saying he just wasn’t ready to jump back into a relationship with me and he left to run some errands… I asked him if we could hang out again and he said sure we will figure out when.
I just am trying to figure out what in the hell is going on. The signals he’s sending are confusing as hell. If he didn’t want to be with me and wants to play around he had his opportunity why not just let me think he cheated and not spend hours convincing me he didn’t? Why after I acted like an absolutely mental case when thinking he did this not cut me off completely?
Your suggestion of having me as an option down the line is especially interesting however, it also pisses me off. The no contact method seems to be way too much for this situation. Half contact is what I’m going to try.
I guess I just need some advice on how long should this go on, this hanging out without commitment? Obviously I’m not very good at it.
thanks in advance.
KK
February 29, 2016 at 6:12 pm
I guess I am afraid of cutting all communication… What do I do during that time? What is this no contact backfires and he never contacts me… where is the line with no contact when he contacts me?
As far as half contact, my plan was to be civil reply to his communication attempts (assuming he will make some) and play it cool if you will but avoid seeing him. To not bring up any emotion.
I just don’t know how long either plan will take? How do I know when to just throw in the towel? When he’s seeing other people? When he never calls?
I don’t like waiting and hoping for something that may never happen… how do you deal with that?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 1, 2016 at 2:15 pm
what I’m getting is, you want to ry and rebuild the connection and attraction now in a way of doing half contac, so you wouldn’t push him away and you wouldn’t appear needy too rught? In your situation, I can think you can try that but if ever after a month he wont commit and it’s not improving..then that’s really the time you should do no contact
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 29, 2016 at 9:08 am
Hi KK,
just wondering, why do you think the no contact wouldn’t work and what do you plan on doing during the half contact
Steph
February 27, 2016 at 5:30 pm
Hi. I’m in an in-between situation.
My ex and I broke up one month ago, it wasn’t on bad terms as such but it was very emotional and ended with him saying “maybe we can try later when my life is less stressful”.
Of course I made all of the mistakes you’ve advised people not to make after a breakup. But since then I’ve spent weeks working on myself and have learned a lot about my roll in the failure of our relationship. I’ve given him space and don’t bring up our relationship.
He visits my son so I’ve done “minimal contact” instead of NC. Yesterday was the first time he’s seen me in two weeks. He is under a lot of stress so he wasn’t in high spirits when he first showed up. But throughout the visit he started to brighten up, he stayed until my son went to bed, then even stayed and watched a couple of shows with me. Throughout the evening we talked about lots of things that we used to talk about and he smiled a lot more. He mentioned a bunch of times that he liked the new things I had done with myself from clothes to attitude and said that I seemed like a totally different person, in a good way. When he left he gave me two very warm hugs, and even rubbed my side.
This morning he surprised me by saying his mother had some things for me and offered to come drop them off. He actually stayed for a couple of hours.
Throughout our encounters this weekend he didn’t seem distant like our last encounters, but one thing did stand out: whenever he talks about our individual futures, he speaks as though it will always be individual. He never eludes to a possibility of us sharing it.
So my question is, have I officially entered the friend zone or could this possibly be a normal part of transitioning from ex to liking each other again before considering more serious things.
I’m having trouble deciding whether to nurture our time together and develop a clean-slate rapport, or to treat it as though he’s stringing me along for his benefit and get myself out of the friend zone asap.
Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 28, 2016 at 1:21 pm
Hi Steph,
I think it’s a transition.. or maybe he’s being careful not to make you feel suffocated or rushed
Isa
February 24, 2016 at 4:30 pm
After a Year post break up we finally talked things through after bumping into each other.
But he felt incomfortable talking to me as he felt guilty.
Post forward 5 Months i actually sent him a fun text. He replied ( i did not expect that) We had a few texts back and forth.
What now? He wont initiate so should i get to engage another convo? Should the woman initiate in the initial stages ;)?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 25, 2016 at 11:11 am
Hi Isa,
It’s ok to do that as long as you end the convo
Saree
February 24, 2016 at 4:16 am
Hello and thanks for all the great advice!
I’ve commented a few times, so I’m apologizing in advance for commenting on a different post yet again, haha.
So my husband and I got into a fight and we spent 3 and a half weeks apart. Yesterday we finally saw each other face-to-face for 2 or 3 hours and it went well. He said we are still together and we will work everything out, but there is a lot to work on. Obviously I agreed, but I still feel distant from him. I feel the spark and the connection we have when we are together (and I know he does too), but since last night, we haven’t spoken a word to each other, other than me sending a “have a good day” text, to which he didn’t respond. So we are together (at least so he says), but I feel as if he still isn’t committing whatsoever and that he is not making me or pur marriage a priority. I may be acting too available, but I feel like if I don’t, he won’t come around. Throughout our 4 years together, we’ve had fights and we’ve distanced ourselves but I’ve always been able to re-attract him. Now though, I’m unsure how to do that. I know he loves me and that he does want to be with me, but I feel as if he’s resisting his own emotions for me. Should I simply follow this avice or is there more I need to do?
Saree
February 24, 2016 at 11:34 pm
I guess I should also add that I am very emotional and when we do talk (not so much in person but through calls and texts), I end up bringing up the situation saying something like, “I can’t handle this”, “I don’t know what you want me to do”, “we need to fix this” and “I don’t know what I want”. I even texted him this morning telling him how I felt and got no reaponse again. Should I just stop saying all of these things? Like I said, when we’ve had serious fights in the past, we’re always distant for a second but he always ends up falling in love with me all over again out of nowhere–but it’s been almost a month and even after our talk I still feel distant. I’m just a bit confused as to whether or not my actions are the reason he’s pulling away.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 25, 2016 at 1:00 pm
Yes, especially if it’s heavy or negative.. more likely it drains him
Saree
February 24, 2016 at 11:23 pm
To reignite his old emotions, as well as creating new ones. I mean, he’s very loyal and I know he isn’t seeing anyone (especially if he says we’re together and will work on things), but he isn’t making me or our marriage a priority by not talking to me and refusing to fix things here and now–which, to me, is not committing despite saying we’re together. I just feel like he’s forcing me to sit around and wait for him while he recklessly runs around doing what he wants, because he believes I’ll be there when he’s finally ready. I just don’t really know how to bring up old emotions and create new ones when he simply talks to me when he feels like it. I also don’t know if No Contact will work or if it is something I should try again for 2 to 3 weeks, especially since I broke it at 5 days last time by replying to his texts. Again, thaks for taking the time to listen and reply! It’s much appreciated. 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 24, 2016 at 12:32 pm
Saree 🙂 What particular advice are you pertaining to?
T
February 16, 2016 at 9:52 pm
Hi EBR team!
First I wanted to say thank you for all of the incredible advice! My ex broke up with me about 4 months ago because he said he felt he couldn’t commit any further into our 8month relationship. We didn’t speak for some time but we reconnected in the new year to attempt friendship. It became quickly apparent to me that both of us still have feelings for each other and decided I wanted to try to get him back. He had previously refused my request for us to get back together, so nice tried my best to be more divot and follow Chris’ advice. So far it has been excellent.
My ex has been on a road trip with his family for about 3 weeks and we’ve spoken every day so far. I’ve noticed that in the past few days, he has been very obviously pulling away and somewhat ignoring me. We still speak everyday but I try to contact him much less and wait for him to respond. My question is, how do I balance giving him space with building attraction through contact?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 17, 2016 at 1:59 pm
Hi T,
that’s means you have you have to be someone he wants to talk with… someone he can talk to when it comes to his interests but at the same time, you don’t give it all at every convo, so that it doesn’t get boring
Louisa
February 8, 2016 at 1:12 pm
Hi,
Me and my boyfriend broke up five months ago. I broke up with him, because of my insecurities in the relationship and it really hurt him. For the last couple of months I’ve been trying to win him back. I tried almost everything.. And it al kinda worked. I have been with him couple of times. We bumped into each other in the city and sleep together. He spend his birthday with me. I almost alway initiated the contact.. I know he loves me, he tells me he doesn’t know what he wants and is afraid our relation will go wrong again. I did no contact for three weeks, and after that he told me he missed me and is still in love with me. But he just won’t commit to me.. I don’t know what to do.. I was with him two days ago and we had an amazing time, after that he just disappears again. I don’t think he is stringing me along, but just doesn’t know what he wants. I think I am too available for him.. Can you help me out? Why won’t he commit 🙁
Louisa
February 13, 2016 at 3:47 pm
Well I am trying to connect slowly, but sometimes I will get needy again. But he disappears again and doesn’t initiate contact. Maybe I pushed myself to hard on him?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 14, 2016 at 4:40 am
I reread your first comment, if you are sleeping with him it can mean you’re too available because there’s no need for him to commit of he knows you’re the same as before emotionally and he’s already getting what he wants..
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 9, 2016 at 7:41 am
Hi Louisa,
If you do nc again, it will have less effect now. After the no contact, do you go slowly connecting or you jump right in being romantic again?
Jane
February 7, 2016 at 4:38 pm
What do we do if, after 3 weeks of No Contact Rule, we start to see that the majority of the problems were all on him?
I am the first out there to take mutual blame for situations and when he dumped me I immediately tried to find where I went wrong.
3 weeks of no contact and trying not to think about it too much, but talking about it with people I trust… I believe the problem boiled down to this..
He was single for 10 years before I asked him out. We were casual acquaintances and then friends for 8 of those 10 years. In that time, and I found out even before that he never went on a single date. He never had a girlfriend. He was too introverted and shy to even try. I finally got him to open up a bit and asked him out and the first year when we lived apart was GREAT! Both of us loved it. Then he moved in, and I, who am used to having room-mates, loved it. I’ve gotten better at letting go issues like him buying the wrong kind of yogurt at the store and never ever cleaning the toilet. I let that all go.
I also let go the fact that his communication skills haven’t actually got any better. He was very clingy, wanting to spend every evening together, but most of it low quality time, watching TV. He wanted to cuddle, wanted to tell me how to sit, and soon started trying to get me to do all his favorite stuff even in my own free time. He also started nagging me about losing weight. I’ve lost 15 pounds this year, he’s lost 30 and he was kind of rubbing it in. But I let it go.
What I didn’t realize til too late was that he was getting more and more stressed out. His lack of relaxation time, ALONE was wearing him thin. And his trying to control me and change me only to see me not meet his expectations was stressing him out. I did change many things like my schedule to match his, but it was never enough and I expected him to let things go. His lack of communication skills meant I could tell he was stressed out but he kept blowing it off as being work related and wouldn’t TELL me what was going on, so I didn’t even know there was a problem til he broke up with me saying he doesn’t love me anymore and can’t see us getting married. ;(
Maybe I’m stupid, but I still love him. I still want to give him a chance. I do not believe he has a chance of being any happier with anyone else since it’s his own unrealistic expectations causing the problem. I also don’t believe that there is such a thing as a perfect man, and I’m willing to work with this imperfect one, if only he wakes up and realizes what he’s doing. But what do I do? So much advice I read says that I’m not supposed to try to talk to him about the relationship and particularly not say “You’re an idiot, you did everything wrong” but if I DO get his interest back, how will I be able to make it a successful relationship if I can’t even talk to him about the basics?
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 7, 2016 at 6:39 pm
Hi Jane,
If he found another woman that makes him happy, will you let him go?
Christine
October 31, 2015 at 12:52 pm
Hi there
I have a big problem that i hope anyone can help me out with.
Me and my now ex boyfriend had been together for 3 years. In the start of out relationship there was a lot of problems and I was very hard being with, because I have just lost my mom and got in a deep hole and got a bit depressed. Anyways we sticked together. Then he went out on a long trip for 7 mount, while he was away I didn’t hear that much from him and we ended breaking up. And while we did not have nearly any contact I ended up sleeping whit another guy a couple of times. Anyways I couldn’t stay away from him as I loved him to death. So u ended up traveling to him in the last mount he was away, and things was amassing, when he came home we become back to be in a relationship better and stronger then ever. I told him that I had been with another guy one time, I couldn’t tell him that it was more. He forgave me and we found an apartment together. But just before we should move om, me little brother got sick whit a big depression and I had to be there more for him. My boyfriend ended up backing up whit me. We had been in a no contact periods for about 4 months when we start talking again, and had now been dating again for 3-4 months and everything is just great when we are together.
The big problem is now, he know from one of my old friends that I have slept whit the other guy more then once and even though there was no feelings, he is scared of a commitment whit me again, and is holding back, and has not told his friends or family that we are seeing each other again. I have told him that we not can do this forever and that he has to make a decision, because this is hurting to much. He is very loving and is going whit me to a Christmas party whit me work soon. But I an really out of my mind here, what can I do to make him realize that he can trust me and make him commit to me again?
Hope that there is anyone who can help me out.
Best regrets the confusing girl.