How To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Commit To You- Ex Boyfriend Recovery

483 thoughts on “How To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Commit”

sun

February 13, 2015 at 12:20 pm

We met on WoW. He’s 20 and I’m 23. I was his first gf and we dated for a year. I treated him bad (took my anger out on him few times and broke up with him) and eventually he got fed up with me and we broke up. He said he lost his feelings. Few days after that we started dating again to see if he can get his feelings back. Since the break up I never treated him bad. We dated for a few months but then I exploded because him not loving me was just too much. He was just cold and not putting effort in it. Didnt care if we were together or not. After that I went NC for 3 weeks and then he didn’t really want to talk to me. But he warmed up a bit and we had friendly conversations. Two weeks after we started talking again he agreed to meet me, because he wanted to get drunk and play pc games together. We didn’t plan to, but we ended up kissing and cuddling all evening and then we had sex, but we stopped after a while cause it felt wrong. I regret giving myself to him. That was a mistake. He doesn’t want to meet again. He said he doesn’t need what relationships have to offer and they are pointless. He also said he doesn’t find me attractive and only did cause of feelings he had which are gone. I went on a date with another guy and when I got back he asked silly questions like ‘how was sex’, ‘when are you getting married’ etc. Almost seemed like he’s jealous or something? We talk daily on skype, and he initiates conversations most of the time and I make sure to not reply too quick and be nice and not emotional. But it seems like it’s getting nowhere. I can get him hooked and poking me to reply to him when he’s eager to hear what I have to say but every night he just logs off without even saying good night. Not sure what to do anymore. Thanks in advance for any tips, Chris!

michelle

February 26, 2015 at 1:51 am

We were arguing a lot so I ended it. He called Friday last and texted. I didn’t answer as I was genuinely asleep. I texted when I awoke just to say I didn’t ignore him on purpose. His last text was mean. He basically said he was sorry he called and texted but he had been drinking. I changed that in my head into ‘I would never in a million years care enough to call you sober’. So it has only been five days lol. But it is so unsatisfying lately I’m slightly relieved. Part of me wants him to contact me. So I can feel he is thinking of me. Part of me hates ignoring him so relieved he isn’t. I hope he continues not to. So it seems we are both doing NC. OR I’m the only one thinking of it at all and he is fine as kind and was just drunk. I have to wait at least 30 days. Things will not get any better to get into it again at present 🙁 I miss the old him not the recent him. Just venting. Thoughts??
admin

February 16, 2015 at 10:46 pm

Good ole World of Warcraft!

He was definitely jealous!
sun

February 17, 2015 at 10:08 pm

Sorry for the spam with comments, feel free to delete the the other two, hah.

Why is he jealous if he has no feelings though. 🙁

Now we haven’t talked for two days at all. It seems he just talks to me when he’s bored. What do you think I should do?

Btw I regret not getting your ebook during Xmas when it was cheaper. Next time when it’s more affordable for me, Ill definitely get it.
admin

February 18, 2015 at 9:32 pm

No your good!

Ignore him the next time he reaches out then and then you pick when YOU want to talk to him.
sun

February 23, 2015 at 12:28 pm

Okay, so yesterday I initiated conversation after 6 days of not talking to each other and he was being an ass. By that I mean ignoring most stuff I said and replying every 10 min and I know for sure he wasn’t busy. I got agitated and said some hurtful things to him that I know he’s sensitive about and he blocked me on Skype.

I tried talking to him on whatsapp, he blocked me after my first message. Then I apologized and explained myself on FB, he read it all then guess what, blocked me there too. I went panic mode and bombed him with text messages, when I called, it rang but I have a feeling he blocked my number too.

Well I guess this is a lost cause. He really doesn’t want to talk to me again. I read your article about blocking but we don’t have any mutual friends. I wish he’d at least reply to tell me to stop bothering him, why doesn’t he do that? I don’t know what to do anymore. From past experience I know going NC on him makes us grow even more apart and now I’m not even sure if he’s gonna talk to me ever. Seems like he’s proper done with me…

Id prefer if he hated me rather than being indifferent but it seems that I’m nobody to him.

Robin

February 12, 2015 at 11:29 pm

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years because he wouldn’t get engaged we didn’t speak for a month I refused all his calls and texts then we met up after I called him he agreed he missed me he wanted me to give him another year to commit and that if we didn’t get engaged in a year I could break up with him I said hell no I will give u a month . he agreed and we were gonna move in together after we got engaged and married in 2 years . after a blissful weekend I said to him r u gonna tell your friend u r getting engaged and he said no because im not . I felt like I got kicked in the face , I stormed out of the house, angry like the devil. he said he never agreed to any of that plan , as if I was a nut. when he calls now I tell him to stop and that im moving on and to leave me alone. he is a commitment phobic mr unavailable assclown, he has never had a girlfriend he is his 46 we have been together a long time. I am so angry I wasted my time with this selfish self absorbed jerk. this is and was our only issue, commitment. he doesn’t run around and chase women so its not like hes out there looking for something better , so what does a girl do here walk away forever all those good years in the toilet ??? im confused im so angry with him .
Sally

February 8, 2015 at 12:14 pm

What to do with a commitment phobic ex?

admin

February 9, 2015 at 4:26 pm

Does he have a history of not committing?
Sally

February 9, 2015 at 9:34 pm

He was committed once by manipulative girlfriend.
I’m not like that, I think he realised it but let my go anyway. Why? And what do you think i should do? I’m already doing NC for 24 day now.
admin

February 10, 2015 at 3:40 pm

Committed once?

Like to a mental institution?
Sally

February 10, 2015 at 5:59 pm

Dear Chris, I’m waiting for your reply long so please tell me something more helpful.English is not my national language so i maybe didn’t say right what i wanted.OK..So my ex is shy type of a guy. Didn’t have a lot of relationships in his life. And had one that lasted two years but ex girlfriend manipulated him with sex and cheated on him at the end. That’s what i know about his past. Now he was with me everything was great and when things were starting to get serious he vanished. Why? And tell me what else should i do except NC?
admin

February 11, 2015 at 1:35 pm

Were you his ungettable girl?

Men always want what they can’t have so I wonder if you were just too available for him?
Sally

February 11, 2015 at 2:00 pm

When i think about it i wasn’t too available at the beginning of a relationship but with time i became. How do i make him appreciate me again?
Sally

February 17, 2015 at 2:53 pm

Sooo i have to become ungettable girl again, right? Will 30 days of NC be enough?
I mean i only ask about NC rule i think i know what do to after NC.
admin

February 18, 2015 at 9:17 pm

It should be enough!
Sally

February 19, 2015 at 1:18 pm

Well he is ignoring me. I lost hope after that , I think I’m ready now for “how to get over your ex” haha It’s sad because i feel that he is right guy for me, i think i could spend the rest of my life with him. Anyway thank you for everything.You’re the best

Becca

January 28, 2015 at 5:46 am

I bought your book and read your website (your articles are really amazing!!), but I was hoping you could give me your opinion on if this is a lost cause.

Me and this guy have been flirting for a VERY long time, but never acted on it. About a year ago, we almost got together but he said he was not interested in a relationship, but “lets hang out and see what happens.”

I ignored this and was moving on when all the sudden he starts calling out of the blue. Things were going great but very slowly for about six months. We were getting really close and finally one day he told me he was crazy about me. And then… He got really distant and things changed. When I confronted him about it, he told me he was not interested in a relationship.

I broke it off because I do not want to be a friend with benefits. He did contact me two weeks after that telling me he missed me and he just wanted to hang out and I did see him. Tomorrow will be day 30 of NC after that (neither he nor I have contacted each other since then).

He is not seeing anyone else nor has he met anyone else. To my knowledge, he has very little dating history, does not sleep around, and has not serious relationship. He told me he wants a wife, etc…

We never fought, no drama, or hysterics. I did not blow up his phone or was clingy and he was never that way with me. We always just had a lot of laughs and had a great time together.

So, I was wondering if you could steer me in a direction in helping me deal with this male psyche or if he just a lost cause?

Thanks!

admin

January 28, 2015 at 5:01 pm

Were the two of you ever physical?
Becca

January 28, 2015 at 8:17 pm

I’m so sorry! I posted my comment twice :/

Yes, but we were not physical until these last six months. And we were official as all if our friends knew we were seeing each other, but we were never attached at the hip. We talked a lot through text or FB and saw each other on average once a week.
admin

January 29, 2015 at 2:36 pm

Hmm…

Any reason why you only saw each other once?
Becca

January 29, 2015 at 8:50 pm

Once a week on average. A combination of things I guess, I wanted to take it slow because of past bad relationships and because we have several mutual friends, his lack of dating history, both of our independent personalities, and job schedules. His can be all over the place.

Like I said before, this guy doesn’t fit really on any of your pages, he doesn’t date, but isn’t a player (I avoid them like the plague). I think there is insecurity there, but I’m not sure what triggered it or what the heck happened. He is a really nice guy.
admin

January 30, 2015 at 4:10 pm

He seems nice…

I think there is definitely insecurity.

Becca

January 28, 2015 at 1:46 am

I bought the book and read your website, but I am still not sure how best to proceed.

This guy and I had been flirting with each other for years, but never acted on it. We almost got together last year, but when he told me he didn’t want a relationship and said “Let’s keep hanging out and see what happens.”

I ignored this and moved on, but about six months ago he started contacting me out of the blue. Things were going really great, but very slowly. We were getting really close and one night he said he was crazy about me. And then… He just got distant and things changed. I confronted him about it and he said he didn’t want to be in a relationship.

So, I broke it off because I do not want to be a friend with benefits. He contacted me about two weeks after and I saw him. But, it will be 30 days of NC tomorrow.

There has never been any fighting, drama, hysterics. I have never blown up his phone or yelled at him. And he has not done that with me either. We always just had a great time together.

He has not met anyone else and from my knowledge has never dated anyone seriously nor plays the field.

Any advice on this male psyche or is this one just a lost cause?

admin

January 28, 2015 at 4:43 pm

Wait, were you flirting and not together?

Like, were the two of you official?

jaymi

December 8, 2014 at 7:41 am

Its not for sex. I know the difference, been there done that. He could just be complacent with me. I read a text on his phone. His old friend asked if we were together and he said no we arent together but its hard to not hang out. We were together for eight years of being together living together for four of them. I broke his trust and I think he is worried it would be a mistake to get back with me. I tried to explain I was in a weird place in my mind and he wasnt there for me like I needed someone to be. He disregarded all of that and just the logic of it is all he can see, but I am truly sorry, he is my best friend. I just lost myself for a little while after unexpectedly losing my dad. Sorry for all the details but they matter. All I want is to start over. Him forgive me for all my past mistakes and I forgive him for his. I miss my best friend despite that we spend alot of time together its not the same without the commitment. What is it going to take? Is he even considering there being an us again? What can I do in this situation to get out of this never ending process of not knowing?

admin

December 8, 2014 at 12:51 pm

Time, and he is considering it but he may need an extra push in the right direction.

jaymi

December 2, 2014 at 2:23 am

Ocassionally maybe like once every two weeks. I iniate it about half of the time. He has been with me almost every night since june the 1st.
jaymi

December 1, 2014 at 9:47 am

My ex and I have been broken up for 10 months but still hang out all the time as if we are together but we are not. Im a little confused.

admin

December 1, 2014 at 3:40 pm

You hang out but do you do anything else?
Anything more physical?

Elizabeth

October 14, 2014 at 3:52 am

Hi Chris. I’m a little confused about my current situation. I’m in day 23 of NC, and I’ve been good about it so far. However, about a week and a half ago, a mutual friend of me and my ex told me that my ex had said he was thinking about me a lot lately, and was considering getting back together. Yet, he hasn’t tried to contact me! What does this mean, and what should I do? Thanks in advance! 🙂

admin

October 14, 2014 at 4:05 pm

Wait him out for a week, if he doesn’t contact then you contact in a very non threatening manner.
Elizabeth

October 14, 2014 at 5:07 pm

Ok, thanks! Also, what should I do if someone is butting into the situation and screwing up my chances? Because I think that might be happening, based on some other things I’ve heard.
admin

October 27, 2014 at 2:24 pm

Who is butting?

Lauren

October 4, 2014 at 8:49 am

Ps. I have been recommending your site to my friends! I dont have an ex bf but i find the site helpful to understand how to get back someone you crushed on and “got away” too ie. to get ppl to commit. A lot of people are in “its complicated” relationships nowadays ! Do you have a site for women who want to change “its complicated” status to “in a relationship” ? Or how to get out of friendzone? 😉 tq

admin

October 6, 2014 at 11:53 am

I think it can be helpful to anyone who wants to better understand how to make a man feel something for them.

Lauren

October 4, 2014 at 8:44 am

Hi Chris, im the one who turned down the guy 3x bec i wasnt ready.
Now that im ready, he seems to have given up… So i am going to follow your advice. I am on NC now and will end next week on tuesday. Will send to him the text then. Wish me luck because he is the one who got away! Hope he still is waiting for me :-/

admin

October 6, 2014 at 11:53 am

So, you never dated him at all?
Lauren

October 7, 2014 at 4:10 pm

Hi Chris, thanks for replying! We went out on a few dates, and everytime he asked for us to be exclusive, i said i wasnt ready. That happened 3x (because i had some complicated issues at home and wasnt emotionally available). The last time we had this “exclusive” discussion was in july. We went out on a date in september. After that he was lukewarm and havent asked me out on a date anymore. Irony is that i am
Now ready to be with him bec my problems are sorted…. I dont know what to do, so i hope doing your methods will work 🙂 (some friends say, just going to him and being direct, that im ready to be with him
Wont work, because men are afraid of commitment!). Please let me know what you think : should i ask him out or continue with the texts method that you advised? 🙂 thanks (ps. Im 34 and he is 40)
admin

October 8, 2014 at 12:50 pm

I think being direct would be a mistake…

Try my method out and if that doesn’t do the trick (it should) then you can be direct.
Lauren

October 8, 2014 at 1:58 pm

Thanks Chris! I hope it will to, worth a shot 🙂 hv a good day!
Lauren

October 28, 2014 at 10:23 am

Hi Chris, i have finally gotten to the last stage of your method – which is to call him and ask him out for a casual get-together. He said yes! 🙂 although he said he can only spare a few minutes and have to be near his office after work. (You did warn that he may not be ready to go out of his way and go on a proper romantic date yet, so i am fine). Its better than not seeing him at all. I bought your e-book btw and since the guy is not my ex, i have modified it a bit to suit the situation (eg still cant text him everyday because we did not reach that level before). I will meet him on Thu and be “ungettable girl” at the same time. I might have one question: after the date – what should i do. Let him take the lead or still continue to send him texts to reignite feelings so that a second date happens?

priya

July 1, 2014 at 2:07 am

hi chris,

your exboyfriend recovery pro, does it have a detailed section on how to make the exboyfriend commit once you get him back?

admin

July 3, 2014 at 12:48 am

That’s what I wrote this page for. PRO is more the actual process of getting him back.

priya

June 25, 2014 at 2:02 am

hi chris,

i have a similar story as many, it started as this guy chasing me (texting,calling all the time) and having strong feelings to something that just felt like he started taking me for granted and i allowed this to go on for months. i knew unless i did something nothing would change. so i did nc, and i would hear from him about about every 8-9 days. i think it definitely stopped this cycle, but now i still havent responded (37 days and counting) because im not sure what the next move should be to get him to commit. to be honest i dont want to fall into the same routine, i want a commitment. chris, please advise what should my next move be!

admin

June 25, 2014 at 5:18 pm

What do you mean next move? Isn’t it good that hes messaging you that much.
priya

June 25, 2014 at 10:38 pm

but what should i do now so that we dont fall into the same pattern, i want him to commit and not just take me for granted again. how should i play my cards now that i have done nc for almost 40 days. please advise! thank you.

Taryn

June 24, 2014 at 1:09 am

Chris,

This is an extremely helpful post! I’ve read this one before, when I first joined this site. And I was in a different emotional state at the time. That was back in February, after my breakup. But reading it now is even better!

I can see what I need to change to get Ryan to commit to me. I am the emotional type of girl (Not in a drama type of way). And there is a time for that and a time to not be too emotional. So I will work on that. Seriously :]

Another thing I will work on is not being too available.

I am just about to the reigniting part of all of this. But I will first get more conversations going between us. Can’t wait to reignite his feelings for me.

Thank you for this article

admin

June 24, 2014 at 6:55 pm

I think human beings are emotional in general when it comes to relationships… I know I can get emotional still.
Taryn

June 24, 2014 at 7:38 pm

Very true and emotions are a good thing :]

Mia

June 16, 2014 at 9:47 pm

How do I define the relationship with my ex

admin

June 17, 2014 at 8:34 pm

Did you read the post?

lost cause?

June 15, 2014 at 2:47 pm

Hi. I just stumbled on your site and it has been very insightful.

The story:
3yrs ago persued by boy at local rec center (10yrs younger, I thought he was 30 when we first talked due to graying!). I kept it brief due to age difference and I had to go take my dog for run while son was in child watch. Month of persuing 4days a week goes by and he starts running with me. Another month of this and we go on an adventure together with my son and dog (wasn’t a classified date). He kissed me and got serious talk with me. He said he didn’t know about me having a child and followed it with, “no. I like you too much.” Starts coming over to my house to hang out after the gym while my son napped and a week later calls me crying that he can’t be with me because he isn’t ready for a child but can we still be friends. I said, “yes of course.” I found out his mother was telling him he wasn’t ready….momma’s boy.

So, we had many back and forths. He acted just like my boyfriend and I would start falling for him and him for me then he would say that “I am just one of his best friends” to which I would reply, “you are acting like my boyfriend and I am not friends like this with boys. It is either you just act like a friend and not be intimate or nothing.” He couldn’t do it and I would tell him to go. He met me 6mths after I was assaulted and I ended up developing PTSD and his back and forth was driving me crazy. I would tell him to leave me alone and he would obsessively contact me, telling me how much we mean to him, that he needs us, and trigger me. At the year mark of my trauma I was not doing well, I wanted any form of stability since my mind and body was not. I was having uncontrollable shaking and other unmanageable symptoms and this boy was always there for me but then tell me why he couldn’t be in a romantic relarionship with me, I would tell him to just leave us alone if he thought that and then the obsessive contact. It was maddening because I was falling in love with him and it really hurt when he would turn because I knew he loved me, but his mom didn’t approve of us. Which broke my heart even more because my poor son gets rejected just because he was born. I was told I couldn’t have children from a previous traumatic event. Surprise!

So, he was triggering my ptsd bad and I was having some serious side effects to medication I was trialing…..seizures etc….and he was playings his childish games. I finally told him to never contact me again. He contacted even more obsessively saying he was going to come over and get my dog and he wasn’t going to stop. Here I was shaking in fear because I have been stalked and assaulted. I called the cops. Cops told him to stop contact and he didn’t! All I ever needed was a break from him and I verbalized this and he wouldn’t let me because he was afraid of losing me. So, I felt forced to call the cops again 3wks after the first call because he wasn’t stopping and I just hoped he would have done the NC rule with me. Well, he was arrested and the cops even said he was obsessed with me. Let me interject that we really do work well together and could see a future together. He and I would just get crazy when things got serious because I want a husband and a family (I lost my husband after he returned from the war).

So, we had a forced no contact due to court case. I said for him to do community service and I would be fine. He did pose a threat, just acted like a child and has to get what he wants. But it triggered me really bad to where I moved back in with parents.

So fast forward, my grandmother died and I returned to near him and I was overwhelmed with contacting him. I did and we met up to talk about what happened. He feels calling the cops was extreme and I feel I was pushed to do it. He said he thought he was fighting for us and I said it was obsessively crazy. He says he can’t trust anyone after that. I said he doesn’t realize why I did it. But, he said he wanted to forgive me and make us work. I felt the same. I said if we can get through this we can get through anything and that I vowed to love and honor him if he promised to listen to me when I told him to stop doing something. He said he didn’t realize how much he was hurting me. Then we took a trip to the coast and it was like old times and he was so loveable and affectionate.

So, here I am out of state trying to move back and we are communicating. I have grand hopes we can get through this and to make things right with his mother. Then, we have the same drama of him telling me he loves me like a best friend and that his mom is right that his career means a lot to him and he isn’t going to risk his career by getting with me (all via txt). So, I said fine I will just take my best friends offer to move to ohio instead of to oregon. And as usual he wnt on about how horrible what I did was to him. I didn’t talk to him for a week. He would contact and say things shouldn’t be this way but yhen he didn’t obsessively contact (thank you Lord). I ended up contacting just normal chit chat. He asked me why I did and I said, “because I can’t help butlove you.” Communication went back to normal.

I think I love him and that scares me as everything besides my parents, my son, and my dog that I have loved has died. He loves me too but can’t commit. Is this a lost cause? Or should I keep with your strategies?

Thanks for any help in advance.
Jane

June 15, 2014 at 1:09 pm

Chris,

I hope you’ll bear with my story and give me an advice.

I was recently assaulted in the middle of the night, I called up my boyfriend (now ex, I don’t know) and asked if he could come over but he said he was tired and hung up.

Then a few days ago we discussed the possibility of our relationship being serious or not. He said I was his first serious girlfriend (I’m 26, he’s 28, everyone says he’s kind of a nerd but I think he’s really adorable). He said he thought he was ready for a relationship, and he did not do the things a boyfriend should have been doing, so he wanted to call it off. He said he missed me, but as a friend, he kept telling himself he would change and would stop making me cry but he had come to face that he would never change and wanted me to look for another man that would treat me better. He felt bad every single time he did something horrible to me. But I told him I understood that because he was never serious with anyone else and every time there was tension between us, I held in and explained to him it wasn’t the right way to treat a normal friend, not even a girlfriend. He doesn’t have good relationships with people in general, not bad but just not good.

We reached a conclusion he was not a good person, he bursted out bluntly saying “Why are you still with me then?”

I could not hold back anymore, I told him I loved him. Now I know that’s a big boo boo for women to be clingy, but I really do love this guy. I know he said he was not ready for a relationship, he wanted to travel and do stuff. So I stepped back and gave it some space. I said just give it a shot and I would not stop him from doing what he wanted, and we would see each other less.

Today he called and said he just wanted to break up. He said he didn’t think he would ever want another girlfriend, or even get married. He said his parents were never there so he didn’t learn what love was about. I told him to stop blaming his parents, and that he needed to grow up.

I was never harsh on him, I could never be.

We ended the conversation without any solid conclusion and that was the worst.

Thank you for reading up to this far, I know it’s annoying. My question is: will he ever be ready? I could wait for him for another two years or so, but I wanna settle down and have a family by 32. Will guys like him change? We’ve been together for a year and we see each other every day. If this is the reason why he feels suffocated then please tell me if I need to change. The worst case scenario is how do I get over this guy? He’s the first guy that I’ve had really strong feelings for and it sucks.

lost cause?

June 16, 2014 at 3:26 am

Sorry for your assault. Its happened to me twice in my life (I am 36 now) and it is horrible. I wish your dude was more understanding and sympathetic. My stupid boy is the same, but I found no one really is unless they have been through it.

My stupid boy wouldn’t understand that making me say no more than three times was intant trigger. Even if it was something trivial like offering me candy.

So, my guy that acts like boyfriend but won’t say he is also would come over every day and not for intimate but o go with me to walk the dog or drive me somewhere because driving gives me anxiety. I wonder and hope chris can give some enlightenment on if there are guys who have to take it slow and not label things. I wonder if there is validity to our hopes that if we just stick by them it will work out. I wonder if we can get ourself to feel that having him there is just enough instead finding a the same attributes from a male but who falls head over heals and wants to marry us.

“God grant me the wisdom”
admin

June 16, 2014 at 2:24 pm

I guarantee you that there are men out there like that (that will marry you and treat you right.) Don’t lose hope.
Jane

June 16, 2014 at 2:13 am

Chris,

I’ve tried the following:

NC

We broke up back in Feb, I did NC, it improved and now there we are again with him asserting he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone.

So yeah…

Chelsia

June 12, 2014 at 6:28 pm

Hi Chris! I’ve not actually purchased the guide YET, but I definitely intend to. I’m looking for a non-biased third party opinion. The situation with my ex and I is a little bit different. We were married for 7 years. He became addicted to a computer game, I cheated, I left, we got divorced. He hated it, didn’t want me to leave. At that point I hated him and didn’t care what he wanted. We had 2 children together. After a couple of years, I re-married (against every bit of better judgment that I had) and had 2 children. My second marriage was terrible from the first day–he spent our wedding night at the bowling alley 🙂 Needless to say, we spent nearly 10 miserable years together before we finally divorced. During the time I was married to my 2nd husband I realized that I was always comparing him to my first. Because although the end of the first marriage was terrible, the rest was amazing. We were high school sweethearts, together for 5 years prior to getting married. Anyhow, long story long, I’ve always been in love with my 1st husband. We’ve remained VERY good friends the entire time we’ve been apart–it helped that we had children together. As soon as I got divorced the 2nd time, my 1st husband told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me that I’m his soulmate. We’ve been seeing each other for about 6 months. Well…I found out that he’s still been seeing his ex-girlfriend that he was with before we started seeing each other. He spends most nights with me, but some nights he’d go out with friends and be out until 7 am. I’d ask and he’d say he’d been with friends. He’d actually been with her. Since I found this out, he explained that he knows he needs to “handle the situation” between she and I. But that he still does want to see me and hang out with me and that he knows that he and I will spend the rest of our lives together if I’ll have him. It’s so hard for me because I do want to spend every moment with him. He is amazing every single second we’re together and he really makes me feel like I’m it for him. BUT I know that I need to distance myself until he officially figures out what he’s doing. Any advice you guys can offer?

admin

June 15, 2014 at 3:39 pm

Sorry for the late response.

Right now I think you hit the nail right on the head, give him some distance.

Summer

June 11, 2014 at 9:43 pm

Hi Chris – Love your page! I’ve been in a complicated situation with my “best friend” for over a year now. We started out as best friends and platonic but there was always that chemistry. We met in FL and he moved home to Texas about 8 months of our friendship. I was already planning to move to Texas as well but had to stay in FL a bit longer for my house to sell. January of this year, he all the sudden can’t be without me and wants to try dating. And deep down, I’ve always liked him more than I should. When we started dating, no one was surprised. So we start long distance dating for about 4 months. It was difficult with the distance and always wanting to be around the person you can’t. He’s younger than me by 5 years and commitment scares him (shocker). But he still pursued this relationship. Well after 4 months, things got strained and it just got complicated and messy. I think the distance really messed us up. A couple months in, he freaked a little and said he wanted to take a step back bc it was moving too fast. When he pulled that, I told him that I needed some time and we couldn’t just continue to talk, etc. if that’s how it was going to be. So essentially, NC, just so we could try to go back to being best friends again. He lasted 1.5 days before he was texting and calling, saying it was a mistake, I was right, he cant do this, etc. So we decided to keep trying to date long distance. This was all back in March, April timeframe. Well it didn’t get much better and by the time I moved to Texas (still 2 hours from where he lives), we had stopped officially dating. But every time we see each other, it’s like we are dating and that chemistry is there. We aren’t dating bc I don’t trust that he is ready bc he is younger than me, and while he thinks I’m great (and has described me as the ‘standard’ to which he compares other girls), he feels like he can’t settle down. Even tho there is no one else that he’s interested in dating – he’s told me several times if he were to date someone, I’d be me.

So I feel like I’ve been in this terrible limbo the last couple of months where we see each other and it’s great but then he goes home and I have to pretend like I don’t miss him and am upset that we aren’t together. I feel like he’s having his cake and eating it too bc he can ‘be my friend with benefits’ or whatever. So I’m wondering if you think NC would be a good idea in this case to force him into making a decision? I know enough that guys don’t respond to words but to actions. It’s just a little complicated bc we are still close like friends. I know I’m the main girl in his life and I don’t want to come off like I’m playing games by just dropping off the radar one day when we are supposed to be friends. But as much as I love seeing and hearing from him, I feel like we’ll always be in this situation if I don’t change something. Please help!! Thanks so much for your time!

priya

June 19, 2014 at 12:46 am

hi summer,
i definitely understand your dilemma. i kind of fell into the same thing, what started as the guy chasing me and having strong feelings to something that just felt like he started just taking me for granted and unless i did something nothing would change. so i did nc, and he i would hear from him about about every 8-9 days. i think it definitely stopped the cycle of friends with benefits, but now i still havent responded (over 30 days) because im not sure what the next move should be to get him to commit. chris, can you help both summer and i with some suggestions.
admin

June 15, 2014 at 3:11 pm

It might be… I would try to get out of friends with benefits with him if that is all you are to him.

honey

June 11, 2014 at 11:32 am

My ex contacted me after 5 month of blocking me, after me dissapearing for 3 weeks! (Yeah finally the nc rule worked) he seen a picture of me with another guy, probably that was the reason of him reaching out to me. we first texted each other a little, then the feeling just overwhelmed me and I got emotional to that point where he just said he just came back to get me and him along with each other as friends only. Well I didn’t want it first so I just said I can’t cuz I won’t be able to stand it seeing him with another girl. He was kinda mad that I wanted to leave. Then I felt kinda sorry and reached out to him again turning things around, making it sound like its an great idea to stay friends and that I was just confused for a minute but Im over it now. Well he was acting very strange just like he suddenly wont really like his own idea but we just started to texting every single day. Every daxy he woke up, he texted me. Same at night. All this got so far that we ended up texting the whole day through. From morning till night. He seemed to be very happy and was bringing up the sweetest memories we shared. Every day more and more. I felt how he fell back in love with me. We even texted about phantasies we had about each other if we would see each other. So far so good but I think now I’ve messed things by being to much clingy or available and even a lil jelous. Now he’s not texting as often throughout the day than before. Pretending to being just busy. When I confronted him about, acting a little mad, he tried to stop me from leaving, apologised ect. Well after all he told if he would go out on a date, he would just tell me. Wow that hit me midden in my heart. Then he asked me if I am afraid to lose him. I answered no, cuz he is an free individual. I would just not like it for sure to lose him but thats it. So long story short, I think he starts to fall out of love a little bit after he was very happy talking to me. What do I do now?? Is there any chance to make him commit? Pleasepleasre help me dear Chris!!!

admin

June 11, 2014 at 4:44 pm

Lets focus on getting him back first.

What has gone wrong since youve tried to get him back?
honey

June 11, 2014 at 5:18 pm

Dear Chris…I do not understand what u mean. I wrote everything down. I was jelous and started to be mad about him not texting me as often as in the beginning of our reconnection. No more good mornings at the mornings anymore like he did just some days ago. I started to complain about everything like being his gf already. Probably he thought I am same clingy as before he broke up. Even though the break up wasn’t just because of that, there were other religious believes behind all that. But it seems not to be the main reason anymore. Somehow he pulls back the more I start to complain about something or assuming he’s lying to me as it comes to going out. What do I do??? I had this feeling like everything was on the perfect way and now this. Im so down and confused, Chris. Should I leave him alone now?? To sgow him Im not that clingy
honey

June 16, 2014 at 11:05 am

Which strategy should I use to make him wanting more than a friendship. ..well on the other side Im pretty sure him himself doesnt really know what he wants but I feel Im on his mind every single day! Is it a good sign that he texts me a good morning text after waking up? Then almost throughout the whole day until I go to sleep! But what to do to make him speak out what he really feels!!!!????

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