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mandy
May 10, 2015 at 1:25 pm
hi, your site is great! I’d love your thoughts on my situation: my ex & I were together 11 years we owned a house, my parents house, etc. I’m not making excuses, but the past year he started getting distant, spending all his spare time (including vacations) on his computer & I felt us disconnecting. Talking to him created conflict. In December he overheard me talking to my cousin about it, saying I wasn’t sure we were still even in love anymore… the next night he ended the relationship.
He made comments insinuating that I’d been unfaithful – I never was – I told him I never cheated, he just said “I won’t let you get away with this”. At first he said I was ‘dead to him’ and that he didn’t love me anymore, few weeks later I asked if never saw a future where we tried again & he said ” you never know what the future holds”. We spent 3 monthsliving together sleeping in the same bed (nothing physical), the only change to our life/lives was we weren’t “together”.. March 1st he bought a brand new house, bought a sports car & moved out. I never did NC … we had to have contact for the first month to finish splitting assets & he asked to come over to see our cats.
After he came to see the cats I emailed & asked if he thought we had a chance, he said he figured I’d met someone already but hadn’t thought about it because he was busy getting settled. At first he’d reply quickly & was nice in replying but now, any emails I send he takes 3-5 days to reply to & is ‘to the point’/almost cold.
Should I do NC now or is it too late? Will he think I’ve met someone? Is there anything I can do to help him during this? I worry about how he’s doing.
We were going to spend our lives together, we were best friends. This has been a devastation to both our families (my dad has a terminal illness) .. and this break up is not typical – it was ‘amicable’.
Any advice would be appreciated, I really miss my best friend
Sarah
May 8, 2015 at 3:23 am
The guy i was seeing was planning a roadtrip on a weekend whilst I would be busy at a hen’s night with company that i am not close with. I was upset that he did not make me feel included or wanted e.g. “wish you could come” or ” i know you have plans but would you come?”. I told him why I was upset, to which he got angry and defensive and asked. ok so if I asked you, would you cancel on the hens? I said yes. not fully considering the logistics and time. all i wanted was to show him i wanted to spend time and feel valued by him. he called me a liar that i wouldnt cancel on the hens and after much arguing i relented and said no, i just wanted to feel included. i dont think i would have cancelled on the hens.
he now feels like he cant trust me because I lied to him in a hypothetical situation, doesnt feel the same way, is hurt and feels less attracted to me and is questioning the relationship. He’s had previous exes cheat on him and doesnt think arguments like this should start so early on in our rs.
He hasnt cut off communication nor ruled out a second chance. but how do I make this right and restore the damage?
Anne
May 4, 2015 at 3:47 am
Hi Chris,
My ex and i broke up and i am currently doing the no contact rule. I am trying so hard beacuse i don’t have any friends i can’t hang around with and always rely on him. But when we fought it will always be the cause of me and other guys because he thinks im lying to him and thinks i like to get close to other guys other than him of course this isn’t true beacuse i am very true to my feelings, but he doesn’t believe me he is a very insecure sweet guy and we both depend on each other. But there is this guy that told me he likes me but of course i rejected him because i really really love my bf. But he would always message me and im so annoyed i replied just to make him stop. Then one day he insist to going to my house i refuse but he still went anyway, NOTHING REALLY HAPPEN but my bf found out about our convo (i didn’t tell him about this beacause i know he will get mad, but i also regret not telling him beacause i can’t keep a secret from him) and so he went to our house that night and in a calm cold mannered way he told it was over and that his mind is settled, i was devasted crying and begging to take me back and beg him to change his mind, he says im a hypocrite and that maybe i have been lying to him all along. I don’t understand why he didn’t believe me and immediately broke up like that.. I cried and message him a very long one and never message him again, he blocked me from fb and i don’t know what to do. How can i gained his trust again and take him back?
Anne
May 4, 2015 at 4:01 am
We are so happy that day, and when he found out about that convo that night he immediately said he want to break up and that his mind is settled and because he was very tired making a complete fool himself bcuas he let himself get hurt again, i know its painful and i can wait for his forgiveness but breaking up with me.. I can’t bear it.. We are just so happy that day.. And he suddenly want to break up.. he says im a hypocrite and says that its better that we broke up because it will be easier for us to move on because we are going to different colleges and not be able to see each other again and says it will be more dangerous to stay together because he will not know what im going to do while his gone and thinks im gonna do something behind his back.. I never even thought about that in my entire life.. I want him back and i want him to trust me again.. Please tell me what to do.. We are just dating for a 2months but felt that deep serious connecon to him and he says he felt it too.. But why did he just easy to let me go.. What i did was none of this categories i didn’t do anything wrong and did myself to be the perfect gf ever.. Is there a possibility he will get me back.. Last time we almost breakup im the one who did the first move to make it work.. But right now i don’t know anymore it feels like he already let me go..
Y
May 3, 2015 at 4:21 am
Please clarify the no contact rule if I cheated on my boyfriend: does this mean I should ignore him if he contacts me within those 15 days??
Shanice
May 2, 2015 at 9:58 pm
Hi Chris,
So I am currently a junior in college, and I started dating my ex December of my freshman year. Before we started dating I had had sex with a couple other guys, not understanding how “the game” went I ended up getting played.. But I met my boyfriend in August freshman year and he had always shown an interest, but I didn’t really reciprocate. Eventually I started returning the feelings, but he ended up finding out from other people on two different occasions that I had slept with other guys, and both times I denied it out of fear of losing him. He of course found out the truth when I slipped up and let it out. But we began dating that December and dated until the next fall in October, just under a year. We broke up because we were fighting a lot and I guess deep down he just didn’t want to date me, and we had also had issues towards the beginning of our relationship because I am just a naturally friendly person, so I often talk to anyone who starts a conversation, and he would constantly get mad that I was talking to or what he thought was “entertaining” guys that he knew were interested in me. After we broke up we went through a year of back and forth, he would want to hang out, then a week later get mad about something I did and tell me not to speak to him anymore, then a week later he was back. This went on for a year and then an incident happened when he started talking seriously with another girl, and when I told him I didn’t want to talk to him anymore and I wanted a chance to find someone who actually wanted to be with me, he told me he was sorry and wanted to seriously talk with me again and that he would slowly stop talking to the other girl (I guess in order to not seem like an asshole). Eventually the other girl found out about him and I talking again, and he blamed it on me, saying that I was the reason she found out, and then told me that he didn’t want to talk to me and “needed a break” because I was “too much drama”. I was devastated, and a few weeks later I ended up sleeping with one of his football teammates who had been trying to talk to me for a while. I regretted it of course and it turns out he was playing me, just wanted sex, and I was just torn up inside. So that winter break I decided I was going to swear off guys, all of the lying dogs and my ex boyfriend who seemed like he only ever wanted to play games. Over the break I made this clear to my ex, and when he realized I was serious he started apologizing for all that he did and FINALLY told me that he loved me (I never heard it in the years that we had been involved) and told me how he really felt and that he couldn’t see himself with anyone with me, he wanted to spend his life with me, etc. I was elated, but still wary, so when we returned to school he was really showing me how much he loved me and eventually I decided I wanted to be with him FOR GOOD, and we began dating. The issue that I had was that I hadn’t told him about my relations with his teammate, and I didn’t know how I could ever tell him, especially when things were so perfect. Turns out I didn’t have to tell him because his teammate felt the need to come forward and tell him himself. So after that my boyfriend and I started having real issues, and he started treating me badly like he used to when we dated the first time around. That’s where we are now and about a month ago he told me that we needed to “chill” on each other and he can’t be with me not knowing how I am when I’m single, and that he’s not sure if we can be together again.. and things like that. At this point I find myself constantly apologizing and declaring my love to him and sending pages and pages of text messages and I know I shouldn’t. What should I do? At this point, we are about to go out deprecate ways for summer break and I’m afraid that he will move on and I will lose him for good and I can’t; he truly is the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with, faithfully and happily. If I never saw another man in my lifetime I wouldn’t care as long as he is in my arms. How do I get him to forgive me and see that he can trust me and I won’t betray him again? How do I convince him that we Should be together? Not to trick him but because every fiber of my being knows that he is my true love I can’t ever live without him. How do I get my ex back!?
Kayla
April 29, 2015 at 12:32 am
I dated this guy for almost 4 years. However, for about 10 months I was talking to other people online. Mostly playful flirting. After he found out be immediately broke up with me, and for the first 5 weeks after wards I texted a lot apologizing and trying to work it out. However, I realized with this site that wasn’t the right thing to do. I am now on day 10 of no contact. I was just wondering if I still need to wait the 30 days, or wait 15 since I’ve already apologized multiple times. I realized I cheated because I hated myself and didn’t feel like I was getting enough attention so I looked elsewhere. When should I talk to him again and what do I say? Do I just bring up a cute memory to let him know I’m thinking of him like you’ve said in other articles or do I need to apologize again?
Anastasia
April 21, 2015 at 2:23 am
Hey Chris…
He caught me texting an ex 2 weeks ago… problem is he had already caught me in this predicament and took me back. I promised to not contact my ex again… but i did. So I lied and emotionally cheated. We already went through the fighting, anxiety, apologies, rambling messages, hate-sex… everything. I know he still loves me and really wrestled with himself about taking me back. He wants to stay in contact because it’s so hard on him already… but did i mess it up for good? I’m willing to do anything and I’ve implemented the 15 day NC at this very moment. I just now see how waiting to apologize and talk would have been a better option. Thank You,
Chris Seiter
April 21, 2015 at 5:54 pm
The texts with your ex…
WAs there anything really bad in them?
Daniella
April 17, 2015 at 8:31 pm
Hi Chris,
I was dating this guy for 2 1/2 years and we were and still are in love with each other but one day I just woke up and gave him an ultimatum he either marry me or its done. I’m not getting any younger. I had this weird feeling he would say he wouldnt marry me which i was right. Around 9 months ago we broke up for 2 days because he cried saying that his family would never approve of me since i’m not jewish. 2 days later he comes back saying he doesnt care what his family thinks hes willing to risk it all for me. As a hopeless romantic that I am i was like this is amazing. I even went for conversion classes to prove that my love was real. Mind you it was always in the back of my mind that we would break up over it hence the ultimatum. I just wanted to see if he had actually changed his mind. So he didnt so we finally broke up and a week later after no contact he calls me to tell me he loves me and misses me but that he can not marry someone who he thinks is a whore. This whole time I thought it was the jewish thing (He said he would of loved if I converted sooner.) and I was wrong it was my sexual past. The reason he thought this was because when we first started dating he would brag about how many women wanted him and how he had been with so many people and I had not so I just went along with it when he asked me I’m like yea i dont know maybe like 8 guys. That was not the case but I didnt want to seem like a prude. He was always bragging and I didnt have that type of experience. The issue was everytime he brought it up again I would change the number because I didnt remember what I had lied to him before. I also made up some ridiculous story that wasnt even believable of how I lost my virginity. He was so annoying about it and he wouldnt leave me alone even if I didnt want to tell him my sexual encounters so I just started lying. Now 2 1/2 years later and a month of being broken up I came clean and told him the truth about how many people I have been with and how it was killing my inside that I didnt tell him sooner. He now says he still loves me but hes scared that I am going to hurt him badly and that he really thinks I will screw him over because if I could go with a lie for 2 years what else could I lie about. He now wont leave me alone and continues to confess his love to me everyday but wont get back together with me and even after telling him the truth hes in denial and tells me I’m lying and if this were true that i was not a whore why would i hide it for this long but hes not an easy person and everytime i told him im not a whore he kept screaming at me saying i was so at some point in our relationship I just agreed to make it easier for us so we wouldnt fight. Now I’m stuck here listening to him cry and tell me he loves me but wont give me a chance because I lied to him and hes scared I could lie about everything. What can I do or say to make this situation either work out or just disappear. I’m so stressed out wondering what hes thinking about and if he will choose me but I cant sit around forever.
Chris Seiter
April 20, 2015 at 8:48 pm
Ya the ultimatum thing was a bad idea.
Have you been in NC?
alicia Martin
April 15, 2015 at 6:07 pm
i have a very good question about my situation, well first me and my ex boyfriend dated for a year and a half and i decided to go to career tech and there was this guy and he started liking me and i told him that i wanted to be his friend. then he got my number started texting me and calling and messaging me on Facebook. ive told him that we need to just be friends. i told my ex that he was texting me while we were dating, well about a few months this guy messaged him and started saying that i loved this guy and ect. also had sent a picture of another conversation to him that wasnt me so then we started fighting and ect. i didnt know what to do ive done told this guy to leave me alone because i was in a happy relationship and i dont want anyone else. well we had broke up and this guy tried buying me things and came to my pageants. well here now i have talked to my ex and he had told me he still loved me and he dont know what to do also he is scared to talk to me but he’ll talk to my sister about me and check up on me and tell her he wants me back. he asked to talk to me but everytime i ask him what he has to talk me about and he wont say what it is for three days now and idk what to do can someone give me advice
eli
April 8, 2015 at 2:24 am
What if your trust was broken not by cheating but after he clearly expressed his desire to not have any more children I got pregnant not once but twice after he had forgave me the first time.. Now he feels I have betrayed him and trust is lost forever..
Hana
April 4, 2015 at 2:40 pm
Hi,
My situation seems to be very complicated. I was in a relationship with a man for about 3 1/2 years. Towards the last few months of the relationship my boyfriend said he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore, that he felt like his feelings had become dormant as if he knew they were still there. This completely broke my heart because I have been head over heals for him and happy with him for a huge chunk of the relationship. I did understand to some extent why he was feeling the way he did. I had been going through a major life change. My mother had been incarcerated and it would be about a year before I got to see her again. So I really leaned on him for support, but I became very negative and started to change in the process. I was having a really hard time adjusting to not having my mom around as an emotional support.(we were very close). Next I find out that he’d become emotionally invested in a female co worker. He’d have very personal and private conversations with her. I tried to give him his space but something didn’t feel right about the situation. I have a bad habit of looking through his phone when I suspect something. I looked at his texts with the girl and he was making plans to start dating her. I completely broke down and begged for him to try and Make this work between us. I really didn’t want him talking to her in that way anymore. The worst part about it is that I knew she was his friend and that apparently she was a lesbian, so I didn’t think of her as a threat. Before any of this happened I told him I wanted to meet her because he talked to her so much I thought it would be the right decision. We all work on the same huge campus and so I’d see him and her on our breaks even though I worked in a different department than them. sometimes I would sit with him and his friends during break. I noticed every time I saw her with him, she’d notice my presence and she’d quickly leave the area. At first I thought it was a coincidence but then I started to question it because it was happening too frequently. That’s around when I decided to check his texts and discovered what was developing. He decided on cutting her off on his own. (Though that wasn’t 100% case since they still worked together) he realized getting mixed up with a co worker was a bad idea. soon after a’ll this we decided to take a break/break up for a bit. This had been going on for 2 months now. I’ve felt panicked and scared. I lost my trust in him and it has caused me to do some crazy things. While at the same time he continues to be vague not tell me anything anymore and I have caught him in a few more lies. For example recently he bought tickets to a comedy performance. I accidentally saw them when he left his email open. I didn’t think anything of it. I want sure if he was going to bring me, a friend or even another love interest. I confronted him about it calmly and he made up a whole story about how he bought them as a favor for some of his friends and that he would be at his mom’s house that day. I believed him. Turned out the tickets were for him and a friend or at least that’s what he wanted to tell me once I got the truth out of him. This made me lose my trust for him completely I didn’t know what to believe anymore. It literally had driven me so crazy that I think I lost him forever. He decided to do over time at work and usually he would give me a ride home from work because I don’t have a car. He asked if I could get a ride from someone else that night so I did. I was still didn’t trust him. I asked him when he’d be home and he said 1:30 am . It passed that time and I had heard nothing from him so I went into panic mode. I had been reading some things online about figuring out if a guy has been cheating even though we weren’t together we still lived in the same house. So I’ve been nothing but worried that he had moved on to someone else. I still very much love the guy. Next thing you know I decided to check his online bank statement because I was so panicked and worried. This was the biggest mistake I could of made. I betrayed his trust and looked through his private information. I saw that he made movie theater ticket purchases. So I thought he had ditched me at work in order to go out and see a movie with someone. I thought he was out and not actually at work. I texted about 3 times and called him about 5. Then I realized I needed to calm down and wait. not long after I got a call back from him. He was extremely angry because I had blown up his phone and he got in trouble at work because of it. he had his phone on the work floor even though he wasnt suppose to and because I called he got his supervisors attention and they want to speak to him about it tomorrow. He still isn’t sure if they are going to fire him or not. I’m not sure if I did the right thing at this point but I told him that I panicked and looked at his personal bank transactions and he said he was done with me. I thought being honest with him was the right thing to do. He blamed all of this on me. I feel horrible and I cried and apologized to him asking for no forgiveness. I’m pretty sure he’s ready to move out right away because he said if he loses his job he never wants to Have anything to do with me again. If he loses his job it will screw up his credit, his moms credit and lose his car. Even though all this happened he took the time to hug me and calm me down saying they if he still has his job then we can only be friends and see where things go from there. What should I do? I feel like I lost my best friend, hes one of the most important people in my life and I lost him because I panicked made mistakes and was honest with him about it. His behavior drew me to do this, but I still take full responsibility for my decisions. I’m so heart broken and don’t even want to show my face at work because I know that he told some of the people he knows at work what I did. Help.
Hannah
March 29, 2015 at 7:39 am
So, question… I need help with the cheating part and earning his trust back for that (a guy I work for kissed me when I didn’t expect it, before confessing he had been attracted to me). I’m quitting the job as soon as I find another to replace it; but this was in November, the month I broke up with my ex-fiance (and it’s now March, and my ex and I have been talking about getting back together for about month now). However, the part you mentioned where I shouldn’t talk to guys is troubling me because I’m pansexual (capable of being attracted to anyone of any sex or gender). So it’s not like I can just ignore only guys because he’d get jealous with anyone seeing as how a couple of girls, in addition to 14 guys, have recently confessed that they like me, too. He knows I haven’t been talking to any of them, or at least I’ve told him that whether he believes me or not… But I don’t know what to do. There’s more to our issue than just the guy kissing me, because I royally screwed up on my part… But with that aspect of the cheating recovery, what should I do, not being heterosexual? (My ex happened to be male, by the way.)
admin
March 29, 2015 at 2:06 pm
How did that work out exactly?
How did you not expect the kiss at all?
These are probably your ex is wondering.
Hannah
March 29, 2015 at 6:42 pm
Thank you for the quick response, by the way. And I’m sorry for my response being so lengthy…
Hannah
March 29, 2015 at 6:40 pm
He was talking to me after work, and we were talking about music since we both play a few instruments. We were just talking casually before he suddenly bent down and kissed me, and I pushed him away from me immediately (just hard enough to get the message across). He apologized and said he’s been attracted to me since I had started working there (just a month earlier), and I told him, “You know I’m engaged, though,” and was freaking out a little and was scared. He apologized again, and then I left since I was already on my way out the door. I didn’t tell my ex about this until after I broke up with him, but he thinks I’m not telling the truth and that we slept together or did more. I never lied to him throughout our entire five-year relationship. I was scared to tell my ex, too, because I have really bad PTSD and avoid conflict at all costs (i.e. if someone yells, sometimes I’ll go into a flashback just because of that). I mostly have PTSD from physical abuse from my mom growing up, but I also developed some additional PTSD issues with sexual things that had come up with my ex (one of the main reasons I broke up with him). But what I had done that was pretty horrible was after we broke up, my ex kept pushing me for why I broke up with him and he wouldn’t accept the reasons I gave him (including but not limited to: him self-medicating pretty badly with drugs and alcohol for his severe depression and anxiety; him taking me for granted all the time; him never supporting me and keeping me from doing some of the opportunities I wanted to do, like studying abroad for a few weeks during the summer; he’s a sociopath [not joking – seriously a sociopath]; he lied to me countless times and shattered my trust completely; among a ton of other reasons that led me to think breaking up was best at the time). He was constantly crying and begging me to take him back after we first broke up, but I couldn’t take it anymore because he was also in denial and just screwed up all around. I wanted him to move on, and this is where I seriously fucked up… Earlier in the relationship, he told me if I ever cheated on him he would just never talk to me again, that he wouldn’t be mad or upset or anything but that he would just never talk to me again and that would be the one thing I could ever do to make him never want me back. So when I brought up the kiss that wasn’t my fault, I decided to use this as a means of getting him to want to move on and to forget about ever being with me again (which I obviously regret more than you know, now). Please don’t give me any crap for it, because it’s already hard to live with myself after doing this… It’s by far the worst thing I’ve ever done to anyone. But when I told him about my boss kissing me, I made it sound like I had feelings for him and was vague on the details. He was crying and stuff, of course, and he came out and admitted that he only told me that so that I would never cheat on him (being the sociopath he is, he tried to manipulate me a lot). Now, however, I recently came out and was honest with him about having lied before, but of course he understandably doesn’t believe me. Back then, he was begging me to take him back and saying he’d do anything to get me back, and now the tables are completely turned, and I feel like I’m losing my mind over it. I managed to get over him quite a bit before we started talking again last month, and he says he’s still thinking about us and everything. I actually proposed that we take a break from contacting each other before I read this article (two weeks/about 14 or 15 days exactly). But I don’t know what to do… I feel horrible all the time thinking about it, and we both still really love each other – it’s just that there’s no trust and there’s so much pain. I’ve managed to start trusting him more again, but we don’t know how he can learn to trust me after what I did (the lying about cheating, and him not believing I didn’t cheat because I lied about it…)
pam
March 28, 2015 at 6:18 am
Hi Chris,
I have lied to my boyfriend a number of times never to be devious but ive never been able to hold a relationship because I’m to busu trying to protect myself.
I was seeing a guy before meeting my boyfriend but i didn’t tell either of them. I decided i wanted to ve with my boyfriend and i told him about the other guy and he didn’t want anything to do with me. But i convinced him that i only wanted him and we got together. On the other side i told the other guy that things weren’t going to work but didn’t tell him about boyfriend but i continued to talk to him as friends but my boyfriend didn’t know. He then found out and wasnt happy about it- not because i was taking to him but because i was lying about it. He forgave me for that and i tried to start a clean slate. I deleted the old msgs but emailed myself the conversation which he later found. I can’t explain why i savdd it because i only love my boyfriend. I put it down to the fact that i keep things from past relationships but he believes is because i still have feelings for him. In addition to this i have lied about other small stupid things that i didn’t need to lie about. I love him so much and i dont know how i can show him he’s the only one i want. Is it too late? Do i let him walk?
admin
March 29, 2015 at 2:31 pm
Wait, so you were dating someone while you were wit him?
pam
March 30, 2015 at 1:29 am
I was kind of dating someone – this other guy and i had not made anything official as such as he’s from another country. We meet whilst travelling and nothing hadhappened but he was travelling this time we met up and i went to meet him for a week and then i met my boyfriend After i got back
shauntae
March 26, 2015 at 5:58 am
I was dating this guy for a few months, we had a lot in common. Chemistry was awesome! It felt like we knew each other for years instead of months. So throughout those months we developed a relationship. He still wanted to communicate with some “female friends” I didn’t necessarily agree with this becus of past relationships and it end up being something else. But he assured me that it was jus casual conversations, nothing more. So I let it go.. Months go by and were going great… I went through his phone, and seen a conversation with a girl.. Nothing bad but she told him, she missed him, and he said it back. Which that became a problem to becus you have a girlfriend y are you saying this to someone else! I ask him.about it he says its nothing, he grew up with her! I let things go. I don’t knw if it was becus of my trust issue, that started to push him away, but things started to change.. We didn’t talk like we once were. I asked him almost everyday was this relationship something he wanted he said yes, but I really didn’t feel like it seeing what I saw. So one day we had a falling out about these “female friends” again. We broke up… At first he was saying give him some time to think about things becus my attitude was bad, but then he’d act like we never broke up! When I asked what were we gonna do, he kept telling me, I’m forcing him to give me an answer! “I’m pressuring him” when I ask should I just leave him alone everybody tells me to be patient, including his mom! I ask him the same thing he tells me no, he doesn’t want me too but won’t really tell me anything. I really like him, okay I won’t lie I grew to love him, I fell in love when I tried not too. I put myself on the no contact thing so far its been about a week
Miss him ALOT! I don’t know what to do.. Do I just let go and move on…or have patience like I’ve been told?? I tend to over think ALOT, but I jus feel like he’s gonna end up liking someone else and I’m gonna end up looking stupid, if he doesn’t already!
Gilly
March 25, 2015 at 11:38 pm
Hi Chris.
I must admit I’m now very confused. As you know I had an emotional affair and I badly hurt my ex. I’m currently on day 24 of NC but after reading this (as im wandering how to get my ex to trust me again) I’m having a panic over the length of NC. Should I have only done 15 days NC??? I’m worried now that I’ve lost my chance or its too late.
Gilly
April 10, 2015 at 6:13 pm
Hi Chris.
Well I made it day 30 and I contacted him. I’ve just moved house and used a photo of me and my ex to make the contact. My idea was to provoke a happy memory. He replied and acknowledged the happy memory but to say that it’s best we don’t talk but that he wanted to know if I was planning to pay him some money back I owed him. I did pay him back a week later (I didn’t speak to him at all during this week) as wanted to do the right thing. His response “we don’t need to talk now” and to “take care”
I left it another week and did my apology and subtly mentioned about how great I’m doing…He responded with having a new gf and not wanting to lead me on and we won’t be friends either but to take care and to look after myself and my two children (not his). We’ve been split 6 weeks now. The new gf is probably a rebound but my ex seems so quick to resist my attempts. He’s extremely intelligent but equally has a very sarcastic attitude to life in general. I’m really beginning to lose faith. I’ve made so many changes to myself that I feel like a brand new woman and would love him to see it. But I feel I’ve lost the chance now. I haven’t responded to his message telling me about the new gf. So I guess it’s back into another month of NC?? see how his current “relationship” plays out.
I would probably make an awesome case study lol!! But I’m being patient. He is (Although my mistake said something different) the one for me…just realised it too late.
admin
March 31, 2015 at 8:10 pm
No, be confident in your decision.
Lets worry about your first contact text.
Carol
March 21, 2015 at 10:59 pm
Hi Chris,
Your website is very well crafted, funny (I was going through a hard time, as you can imagine, and it made me smile a few times) and is really helpful. Thanks for taking the time to explain how a guy thinks… Very insightful. I hope you will read about my story and will provide your thoughts on the matter. Thanks in advance for your time.
Ok, so I tried to keep it short, but it’s still a bit long, sorry. So here goes:
We were together for over a year, met at work and work in different departments at the same company. We have to be in the same meeting (which I host) once a week.
He was my first boyfriend (I’m a late bloomer), and he’s 5 years younger than me (30).
I did most of the common mistakes you listed on your site: controlling, possessive, overreacting , distrusting, insecure… (Yes, boy I wish I had found your site months ago!!).
I would get upset a lot through our relationship, but I didn’t realize until now that it was always because I was scared that I loved him more than he loved me. We almost never fought except when I would get upset. I was also conflicted about being with him because I come from a very conservative family and I became intimate with him, but hid it from my family.
I made two big mistakes in January: 1- I told him I didn’t approve of his eating habits because I didn’t like his beer belly (he was heavier when we started dating, but it was bugging me more than I realized, so i thought I needed to be honest. I realize now that I love him too much to care about his weight and wish i had shut up) 2- I texted him that I wanted to talk to him, and his response was ‘why? You didn’t feel like talking to me the day before’ (we had a small spat the previous day) then I texted ‘I had a car accident the night before and I thought you may want to know’ and his response was ‘now I know’, so I got upset and stormed to his cube to say ‘thank you, now I know! (How you feel), all I wanted from you was some comfort!’
After the ‘scene’, we didn’t talk for a week, then I asked if we could talk. So we went on a break and he said we wouldn’t work, he wanted to break up, but in the end, he didn’t want to end things, so he said we should spend some time apart to think.
The ‘Break’ lasted one month, but we would see each other once in a while accidentally at work and we acted like we were okay.
At the end of the month, I asked if we could talk again, he agreed and he gave me a plan where we would go back to dating, but we would also date other people and not see each other at work. I told him I couldn’t date some other guys, and I wouldn’t like if he dated other girls, so he said he wasn’t happy and I wasn’t happy, and we were not compatible and that he gave up and so it was over. He was pretty calm about it, wished me happiness with someone else. I was hurt, so I told him I wish he had never talked to me, which seemed to hurt and anger him and we left like things like that.
I have been trying to do NC and it has been almost 3 weeks, with random awkward moments when our paths would cross in hallways at work and just said ‘hi’. I actually avoided one meeting because I wanted to do NC, but I had to host the next meeting and tried to act like my natural, charming, funny self and so did he. (By the way, I was the UG for him before)
I feel like there are a lot of things that I need to explain and clarify before he can change his mind about us one day.
I typed a letter where I try to explain how I was wrong and realized my destructive behavior and that I did love him and was with him for the right reasons, but I made sure to say that I knew we were over and I didnt expect him to respond.
Should I break NC to send him the letter before the 30 days are over? Can the time apart be counted towards the NC period? Should I skip the other meetings until NC is complete? If you were in his shoes, what would you do?
Again, thanks in advance very much for your advice!!
admin
March 22, 2015 at 5:33 pm
You don’t have to skip the other meetings entirely.
I wouldn’t send the letter though.
Carol
March 24, 2015 at 4:10 am
Thanks for the quick response!
If I don’t try to explain myself though, how will I be able to change his mind? (Sorry, I realize now that is question should be under a different section of your guide, the one about changing his mind). How can I overcome his resistance and reach him on a logical level, if I can’t clarify things in my letter? It feels like he’s stuck in this negative view of me and I don’t know what to do to change that.
destiney
March 20, 2015 at 10:56 pm
Ok so my ex broke up with me because I cut what do I do if I still love him.
admin
March 22, 2015 at 4:33 pm
Because you cut?
What do you mean?
San
March 15, 2015 at 11:03 pm
Hi, I used your advice in the past and got my ex back… and I must have made some mistakes again bc we are back in the same boat 4 months later. We have been together close to 3 years. It is a bit complicated but I have been in the process of a divorce this whole time. He has been separated for over 4 years from his wife. I live in my own apartment. Meanwhile – for 4 years – he shares an apartment and the house between him and is ex. So during the week – they are sharing the house together for the kids since she takes care of the kids. Basically, we only see each other when we each don’t have our kids. But it is a 2 day a week relationship and I have been complaining about wanting more. It upsets me that he can’t move out but once he does – he will go from seeing his kids from 3-4 nights a week to only keeping them overnight 2 weekends a month. So he has all the guilt… but it hasn’t changed. And he is still struggling with it. And I am at the point where I want to say goodnight and good morning and not feel like a secret every day – after almost 3 years. He said things will change… and they haven’t. I have been fed up. So last week – he was waiting at my place for me and I ended up lying to him and meeting another man for drinks… this guy promised me the world – he met me a week ago on a business trip and begged to meet me. The attention was so nice so I ended up meeting for drinks bc I have been so fed up with my situation… I didn’t feel anything for this guy but it was nice to get that attention and see how men are willing to jump right into relationships… So I lied to my boyfriend – and told him an elaborate lie where I was… only to have my phone blow up and get texts from this other guy telling me he cares. And I lied more to my boyfriend. In the morning – I told him the truth… and he walked out and was upset. I emailed and texted him a bunch saying sorry – but I was at a breaking point and I want more. And that I made a mistake but I love him and I am sorry for lying. so many messages – and I said – just say goodbye if you are done and tell me you never really wanted as future. Or tell me you are ready for more. So he texted me on Friday – “I am done. Good bye”. That was how he ended our 3 year relationship. I left him alone yesterday – and texted him once more today because it is usually the night we see each other. I hate not having closure – I just want to know if it was the lie – or if it really never wanted more with me… he came back when I gave him space… but I sent one last message today to be clear that I was sorry… Am i crazy? I lied so elaborately that night and didn’t come clean until the morning when the wine wore off. Is that enough of a deal breaker? If he truly loves me – wouldn’t he give us a chance? He has a history of shutting down under stress – but I just think he would say more than just those 4 words to end our 3 yr relationship. What should I do? 15 days no contact?
admin
March 18, 2015 at 6:46 pm
How bad of lies are we talking here?
San
March 21, 2015 at 9:33 pm
He was waiting for my at my apartment and I lied and said I was stopping to drop something off for my kids – when I really went to grab a drink with another guy (that he knew flirted with me recently). And I got to my boyfriend later than I should have…. And then when he and I were together that night – I kept getting texts and messages from this other guy telling me he cares and wants to talk to me. I lied to my boyfriend and said I didn’t know who it was. I let my boyfriend take my phone and respond back…. Finally in the morning I told him the complete truth. And he walked out…. And has ignored me my messages except for the one response saying he is done. I have been telling him how I want more in our relationship prior to this happening…. He kept saying it would change but he hasn’t moved out from his house with his ex… So I messed up and grabbed drinks with someone …. I regret it but I know my relationship needs to change. It has been 6 days of no-contact. I guess I wonder if what I did was such a deal-breaker…. Nothing happened but the lie was shady…. Ugh. He knows I love him and want a future with him… I have been saying this all along.
San
March 22, 2015 at 10:54 pm
sorry to be a pain and add more – I know you are buried with inquiries from all us ladies!! The thing is your advice worked for me during our first break… so well that my ex came back and begged for me at my doorstep during NC (I had ignored him but didn’t wait the full 30 days). The issue then was I wasn’t happy with his level of commitment and still felt like a part-time 2 day a week relationship… bc he won’t communicate with me when he is at the house and his ex is there. No texts barely. I met his parents so it isn’t a lie that he is divorced.
I have tried for so long to be patient and work on myself… he is almost 10 years older than me – and says I am the only one and that he loves me but he struggled with his kids and his divorce. but it has been 4 years and nothing changed. Now that we are together almost 3 years – but we had that breakup – I have been trying to be patient again… but honestly – he always has excuses for why he can’t be more into our relationship. I didn’t see him for 2 weeks during the holidays bc he wanted quality time with his kids bc he works so much. I am all about kids but there is a balance. And I never felt like a priority… So, I got this crazy attention from this other guy and that is why I lied to him… I was wrong – I know I took it too far with lying about the drinks with the other guy… but I keep having men interested – and I turn them down waiting for my guy to show me he can make me more a part of his life. He says they are selling the house and then he will move out – so that is when things could change… the thing is – if he loves me – wouldn’t he want to make me feel important at some point? He ended it with 4 words bc of the shady lie I told… but I guess I wonder if it is really all my fault???? I feel crazy for still wanting him – but I love him so deeply – but I don’t know if he loves me the same based on his inability to fit me in his life beyond a couple days a week. Partly it is my fault bc I haven’t introduced him to my kids either – but that is bc my divorce isn’t final and my soon to be ex-husband would give me a lot of crap for dating. I have poured my heart out to him… apologized and offered suggestions on how we can get thru this… which probably pushed him away. No I am getting to day 7 of NC.
I can’t believe he ended it without wanting to talk or explain. I guess I am looking to you to see if you think what I did is so terrible? Or if maybe he just needs an excuse to end it with me bc wouldn’t he have found a way to have me more in his life by now if he truly loved me? Is this pointless? Either way I am working on me – and have done so. The breakup is way easier this time… I feel stronger and don’t “need” him – I just love him and want him back. I am confused too so I know the NC time is needed. I was planning on 15 days bc it seems like I cheated – bc of the lie. Let me know if you think that is best…
Anyway – sorry for the long follow up! I am sure you are used to it. I will go through the motions either way with NC – but I guess if you have guy perspective on my actions – I would love to hear what I may be missing. I know I have excuses for why I did… so maybe that is the prob…
Kris
March 10, 2015 at 7:51 pm
Hi Chris,
My bf and I broke up because I told me he didn’t trust me, but never told me why. I immediately went into NC. I saw him this past weekend, and everything was really great until he told me why he didn’t trust me anymore. There was a guy, who I was strictly friends with, but somehow rimor got around that it was more (which is not true). His friends think I am a liar and told him not to talk to me anymore. He said we could be friends but nothing more since he lost my trust. I feel like this whole thing has been blown out of proportion and everyone seems to think I’m this horrible person, even thought I was always faithful to him. I don’t know what to do to make him realize otherwise, or to convince his friend that their assumption of me is wrong. Help!!
admin
March 13, 2015 at 6:49 pm
How long have you been in NC for?
Leann
February 16, 2015 at 1:57 pm
how do I get him back if we have a baby together, he comes by everyday all the time to spend time with the baby and just when things are okay with us he picks on the past. i did make mistakes in the past and hurt him