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205 thoughts on “EBR 046: Can You Ever Break The No Contact Rule?”

  1. Avatar

    EBR Team Member: Amor

    June 18, 2016 at 5:01 pm

    rest before sending another text. check this out:.
    What To Do If You Get The Dreaded “No Response” After No Contact

  2. Avatar

    Jennifer

    June 18, 2016 at 3:28 pm

    I bought the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro and been trying to follow it.

    7 factors
    Length of relationship – 2.5 years. Living together.
    How long been in No Contact – 2 weeks (first time trying NC)
    First Break Up – Yes
    Personal Recovery – WAS doing great.
    Cause of breakup – He says he doesn’t feel as passionate as he did before. Doesn’t love me as much as I love him. (I definitely see now I was too needy and clingy). Different stage in life he says(he is 29 and I am 37), he wants to focus on his career and not ready yet to settle down. Says I’m the right girl, wrong time…(He was the one who used to talk about marriage and kids. Called me wifey. I never pressured about these things)
    Who initiated the breakup – He did.

    Golden Factor – He reached out numerous times. Said he missed me. Said the house is lonely without me. Invited me to his event he was putting on. Asked if we could go for a coffee sometime. Called me twice(I didn’t answer). Asked to see me. So I broke the NC Rule and saw him. He said I looked great. All the good signs were there, which is why I broke NC.
    But then when I saw him he said he only wanted to see me because he missed me but wanted to make sure I was doing well AND wanted to see if we could be FRIENDS.
    I admit I got a bit upset and made the mistake of trying to convince him otherwise (was being needy again) because I wasn’t expecting him to say that and I ended the “date”.
    He said he was sorry if he lead me on.
    The next day I started the No Contact Rule again. It’s now been 5 days of NC.
    Did I ruin my chances by getting upset and acting needy?? Does him saying he only wants to be friends mean I should give up? I know he misses me, but it seems he feels this breakup is the best decision. I don’t want to give up but I wonder if this is a hopeless situation.
    Please help. Thank you Chris.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 19, 2016 at 12:26 am

      Hi Jennifer,

      I think there’s a chance.. you just really need to make him see that you’ve moved and keep improving. He’s not reaching the attraction point because he knows you’re still into him..

  3. Avatar

    EBR Team Member: Amor

    June 17, 2016 at 11:17 am

    Hi Suzi,

    how are you nowM

  4. Avatar

    Natalie

    June 16, 2016 at 1:04 am

    Hi Amor, my name is Natalie. I’m 16 and I just broke up with my boyfriend of one year and ten months. I broke up with him because he was texting another girl. I figured out his password to his Instagram (I know it’s bad no trespass into his account, but I had to know if he was doing something shady and I found out he did). I confronted him, but he lied about if at first. Then, I texted the girl he texted, she told me the truth. I later confronted him about it again and he confessed. I got to admit I did cheat on him twice, he did that to me twice so I guess me and him are even. The problem is we really loved each other but we fought a lot throughout our relationship, we promised to fix it but it would result to us fighting again. Weeks ago he proposed the idea of us breaking up and doing what we got to do to achieve our goals before getting back together in the future. I was too stubborn and said I could fix this when he needed space. I felt like I emotionally drained him which led to him texting another girl. I regret breaking up with him. I want him back. But he has blocked me on his Facebook and Instagram. All I have left is his phone number and Kik (Which I recently figured out he unblocked his number from me). I do admit a guilty action I did , which was texting him a lot, begging, and pleading for him to take me back. He replied back it’s too late and that I hurt him. He later said he wanted to be alone. I don’t know what I should do. A friend told me I should do the no contact for a week and a half. I heard about the 30 day of no contact, but he said if I do the 30 day of no contact he’s gone. I don’t know what to do.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 17, 2016 at 10:04 pm

      Hi Natalie,

      yes we can delete your comments..just comment back to my reply, that you have read it and that I can delete it.. since he knows about the 30 day nc, it wouldn’t have the same effect that it’s supposed to have.. but if he said that, did he also say how long he needs space? becausw he can’t just dictate you to wait forever.

  5. Avatar

    Chung Pham

    June 15, 2016 at 9:28 am

    Hi, i the same Maddy
    My ex and I were together for about 5 months and he broke up with me suddenly out of no where, i deleted him off Facebook , I have done 30 days NC , and seem to no any sign from him, i dont know whether we can get together or not? can you give me some advise?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 17, 2016 at 10:32 pm

      Hi Chung pham,

      first ,did you improve yourself during nc?

  6. Avatar

    Judy

    June 14, 2016 at 2:03 pm

    I’m not sure if any of this will work for my situation. I’m trying to harness my anger and hurt to get over him, but this was a guy that really felt perfect for me. I’m 40 and he’s 36. He has the mindset of a 22 yo when it comes to relationships. For the past 2 years, he has called me his “friend” even though we were much closer. We worked together up until last Jan. He called and text me everyday. We spent 3-5 nights a week together. We were having sex for the last year of it. He told me he loved me. Now, he says he just made a mistake, and he only slept with me because I was sad. What bs and the few times I was sad was over him. We never had sex when I was sad, only when I was happy. He’s convinced himself otherwise though. He intertwined my family with his. My four yo daughter cries to see him. I miss his family. I was never his gf though and he threw it in my face a lot. He never held my hand and a lot of the physical intimacy wasn’t there. We were best friends though, and we did fight a lot over it all. Every time I would try to go along with his just friends crap, he would be all over me until he had me pining again. Once I started my new job, things got bad. He didn’t see me everyday and he is the out of sight out of mind type of person. I’ve been no contact for 2 weeks, but I think he is doing the no contact thing with me too. And I might’ve been replaced by a 26 yo girl. Should I just give up on him? Is this no contact stuff even going to change anything in his mind?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 17, 2016 at 4:57 pm

      Hi Judy,

      I’m going to be honest. I think it’s because he didn’t really treat the relationship as a serious one.. It’s like you were friends with benefits. We don’t guarantee that no contact always works but you can try it as a last resort and you have nothing lose if you improve yourself.

  7. Avatar

    Saira

    June 11, 2016 at 11:40 am

    Hey Chris. PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME AND REPLY.
    So me and my boyfriend have known each other since 7 years. He claims he’s in love with me since 8 years. We were in a stupid small relationship briefly for 6 months when we were 11 years old. We used to play tennis together. Then I broke up because I was leaving tennis and also because he’s extremely shy and we studied in different schools. Then I dated two other guys, and we then met each other after so many years and realized we love each other. I’m considered very attractive and I’ve always been very popular while he’s nerdy and not good looking at all. We got into a relationship on October 6th, 2014. He treated me like a princess – we’re both 19. We passed out from school, I’ve taken a year off for preparing for medical college while he went to another city for engineering college. All was well, till December. I got really clingy and possessive and told him to choose between me or his sister and never talk to her in life. ( I know that was very mean and wrong). His sister is 8 years elder to him and she’s like his second mother. He cried a lot and since he loves her a lot something inside his heart broke and he changed completely. We met on 1st January 2016 and then he went off to college again. He joined college on July 2014. He completely changed in January, had less time to give me. I turned clingier and he used to put me on blocklist. I had a horrible phase, I was in depression wasnt able to study and a lot of other problems. Plus our relationship strain. So from January to May we went on and off. The off phase lasting for maximum of 5 days. He’d beg me back or I’d come. Most of the times I broke up because he didn’t give me time and he treated me awfully like he doesn’t want me, but when I left he’d call me back. I can’t explain how badly emotionally he treated me since the message is already long enough. Now he finally came after 5 months to our home town. It was a long distance relationship in the rough phase. I used to send him letters, emails basically became the best gf after I realized the sister mistake. Anyway, he treated me horribly. But we met on 30th of May when he came back, we were at his house. Had a lovely intimate time and he even cried and apologized though he never cries. I’m very impulsive, after his home we went to a nearby mall. I don’t know what happened, suddenly I started yelling at him with anger in my eyes for the way he treated me since 5 months. His eyes were teary. I told him how he makes me unhappy and how I don’t love him like before. I said a lot of other things I didn’t mean too. Then we hugged each other and bid bye. He messaged me on whatsapp asking me if I’ll ever be able to love him like before? Another thing I must tell you is we’re from different religions and difference in religion is a big issue in India. His mother is really emotional about it, his elder brother is already going against her wishes to marry his long term gf so she keeps emotionally blackmailing him about he he shouldn’t marry somebody from another religion. She has severe health problems so my boyfriend gets scared. My boyfriend normally whatsapped me that I love you and I’m ready to fight against the world for you but how will we see my mothers health when she gets affected? He never mentioned break up but I got pissed off and broke up. Now I must tell you, I’ve never faced any form of rejection and maybe his rejecting me in a way has turned me into insecure, paranoid and clingy. Now he begged me a lot and on our 5th day of break up I found out he lies to me about hanging out and talking to his girl friends even though there’s no reason too. I again turned impulsive and told him to leave all his girl best friends. One particular girl friend of his has nobody except him in his world so he said I can’t leave her and I don’t want to leave you. Anyway after a lot of fights I agreed, but I told him to message the other girl friends that he doesn’t want to talk to them he agreed and sent a fb message to one of them. We met on 6th and had a great time, he had begged me back and got me back with a promise that he’ll talk on phone daily and be like before. Now he doesn’t call me and nowadays only talks on whatsapp even though we used to talk for hours before on call- and since our family is pretty strict we’re not able to meet often so calls and whatsapp are the only means of communication, Plus I feel more connected on call and I’ve told him this a lot of times. He’s got angrier as a person and no longer plans surprises or you know makes me feel special, Anyway, I started complaining on 6th too. When we returned, I messaged that one friend he had already messaged, again from his id. She was his crush before so I really am jealous of her – I have his password. And we had a big fight. He said you shouldn’t have messaged her. I lied to you, I hurt you – they didn’t and they were my closest friends at one point of time and that you shouldn’t hurt other people because of our fights. Anyway he even said we should re think things and I want you but not this paranoid version of yours. I begged him, he agreed but upon asking about the promises he said I’ll try to call when I can. Even though he’s at home so he’s free. But he says he’s busy. And his trying to call means he’ll call maybe once in 2 days which I can’t take. Anyway then I apologized to his girl friend and apologized to him too. I must mention how on 6th he started crying at the movie hall because I was repeatedly saying I’m not happy I always come back but you never call me daily or keep your promises. Even I cried, but I kissed him afterwords. Now he was insisting we should break up because he thinks ill be happier without him. I begged a lot but at one point of time I felt really hurt and said fine it’s over. He said no let’s give us one last chance, I said no its over. He again repeated, but I said no its over. Then everyday he’d message me if I’m studying and that please go study and all that. Now this is my last shot to get into a good medical school and the exam is on 24th July. So that’s why. Then he messaged me how he loved my hand made cards. I ignored it all. I messaged how I hate him now and that please don’t message. But he messaged again, so today that is our 4th day I replied I’m sorry about saying I hate you. He asked me about my studies, I told him should we move on now have you given up on us? He said we have been fighting a lot lately and I want is to settle down a bit. He said let’s just be friends. I said I can’t ( because I really cant). He said inspite of our love we don’t understand each other. He said he’s turned coward, pessimist and very depressed. He said he’s never cried in public. He asked how could I let him cry in public? I write a blog and got a little cheesy comments so I replied to them once when we broke up. He said how could you reply to them? The girl I loved didn’t. He said I don’t want us to end but I don’t keep you happy. I told him how he’s the best guy and not a coward and explained myself and tried to make him feel better. I asked him why he didn’t keep his promises? He said he’s really busy and when he’s not busy and thinks of calling he’s reminded of all the pain he’s caused me in 5 months. He says I complain a lot. Chris, I told him then how I can’t be just friends and that I tried a lot and made a lot of efforts but now he’s lost me and I’m going forever goodbye. He replied don’t say that. It will kill me. Then he replied about how he’s having some health problems to which I just replied you should see a doctor, get well soon and goodbye and that he can contact me if he has a problem or if he has health issues to discuss otherwise goodbye ( since I was his best friend too and he doesn’t share things with anybody). He replied I’m be yours and only yours till I die. I read that message and ignored. Now Chris, I love him a lot I’ve never mentioned the efforts and sacrifices I made and how badly he treated me in 5 months. I realize I’ve to make certain changes too and I’ve to change my clingy behaviour and over possessiveness. I’m very hurt too, and maybe I complain because I’m really hurt. On the other hand, it feels as if he doesn’t realize how much he’s hurt me and also he doesn’t respect my wish of communicating everyday on phone and NOT ON WHATSAPP ONLY. He never keeps his promises. Doesn’t do anything special like he used too, Inspite of me trying to encourage him by appreciating even the smallest of efforts. Giving him love letter, emails, hand made gifts and whatever I can to make him feel I love him. Its like the more I do, The comfortable he gets and the worse and for granted he treats me. I want us to last Chris. I love him. I’ve a lot of work to do on myself too since I was in an emotionally abusive relationship before and I feel I’m acting like my ex to my present boyfriend – he never let me talk to guys and controlled me and that is what I was doing to my present one unconsciously too. I’ll work on it. Do you think there are chances of us getting back? I’m scared he’s so used to us breaking up maybe he’s used to staying without me? Chris I want us to last I love him. I’ve a very important exam on 24th July and which is why I don’t want a lot of stress. He’s going by July end and its his birthday on 17th July. On 6th before break up he said how he wants to spend his birthday alone with me. Now obviously I don’t think that plan exists. Chris, I feel like I’ve no self respect, ego and self esteem and its evident he’s angry, and he says he’s scared because he’s not that person and we keep having fights. Plus, we really have had a rough patch. I want us to be together in a stable and not an on and off relationship. I don’t know if he’d call me back now and beg me back now I’m scared. Can you please help me? How many days should I go no contact? I’m willing to improve myself and also give him time. Since I replied him today on the 4th day and told him he’s lost me today after that chat – should I restart the no contact or continue from today? I want him to realize my importance, keep his promises and not take me for granted once I’m back. I don’t want to lose him. On the other hand, I want to also shed off the clingy image of mine. Now whenever I get back I become clingy even though initially I wasn’t but after facing rejection from him I am. Please help me and tell me how to do it? How many days of no contact? And I must add I also made the mistake of telling our whole ups and downs to HIS girl friends and in a way telling his faults to because they considered me wrong. I know that was wrong and I’m very guilty. Though they say they won’t tell him but nevertheless it was wrong because he doesn’t share any details of our relationship with anybody. He’s only close to me.Oh and I just wanted to add how whenever he was drunk he’d call me and tell me he loves me a lot but he’s affecting my studies and he can’t keep me happy. Another thing, I’m his first love and girlfriend. I became really clingy with calling him a lot of times, even whatsapp calling him when he didn’t reply right away and of course choosing thing. Please help me. I’D LIKE TO ADD I WROTE THIS COMMENT YESTERDAY, HE’S CALLED ME 5 TIMES TILL NOW AND MESSAGED ME A ‘GOOD MORNING :)’ AND ‘PLEASE HAVE YOUR FOOD :). I ignored them all. I feel really GUILTY about ignoring him but I know we need time.. Please help me. Revert back soon!
    Thank you
    Samira!

  8. Avatar

    HUSH

    June 11, 2016 at 9:56 am

    I’ve given it some thought, but honestly I’m having trouble coming up with an interesting first text. He’s into cars, but I don’t think that would sound natural if I all of a sudden texted him something car related. He likes The Walking Dead, but that doesn’t come back on until fall. When I do text him, should I do it when he’s off of work, or just whenever?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 15, 2016 at 8:08 am

      HI Hush,

      Try to pick a current event that he likes and it’s better if you do it a time that he would likely reply.

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    Kassie

    June 11, 2016 at 1:44 am

    Addition. I contacted him already. -.- I needed the book. Lol. Anyways. So yeah. I contacted him that I may have some time today to pick it up. He responded with he can either drop it off tonight or tomorrow. So I asked him what time tmrw cuz I have plans. He got upset and told me that I keep making up excuses. So i told him i’m not making excuses. Just tryna work on his time since the mix up was my mistake. Now he rants at me that I might be forgetting that we’re friends. (I havent contacted him for a week I ignored his last txt. Lol) now he insists on dropping it off at night. Plus he wants to watch a movie the next day. Im confused. Things are too fast I think. I was only on day 8 of NC. During those 8 days he txted me once apologizing for not being able to make it to my friends party with me. I replied one day after told him I had a blast. Then he txted me again about his wkend. Im not even asking. Lol. After that txt I started ignoring him. Until the order mix up. How unfortunate -.-

    1. Avatar

      Kassie

      June 11, 2016 at 1:48 am

      Oh and he keeps asking if I hooked up with someone during the party. He says he doesnt mind. Just curious. I didn’t answer the question. I just kept saying I had a great time. Lol

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 16, 2016 at 7:10 am

      Hi Kassie,

      sorry for the late reply.. it’s ok if you meet him about the book.. as long as you don’t have a talk about your feelings or relationship but it looks like nc is working for him

  10. Avatar

    Erin

    June 10, 2016 at 11:35 pm

    What if during NC he contacts about his family member passing and wants to lean on me about it? I’m assuming it’s ok at that point but do you go back into it?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 16, 2016 at 1:24 pm

      Hi Erin,

      what do you mean by lean on you? is it an immediate family member or someone he’s close with?

  11. Avatar

    Kassie

    June 10, 2016 at 9:03 am

    Okay. I ordered something online and it was sent to my ex. Not on purpose. We share the same acct thats why. And his address was the one last used. Anyways. So I’m on day 7 of the NC. Now he txted me that he’ll bring the order the next day. I apologized for the mix up and told him I’ll let him know if I can meet up with him. Now I’m confused whether to do meet up with just to get my order then continue with NC or just continue ignoring him and get order after NC. A few days ago he txted me bout how his wkend was and that he bought me some things I need for personal use. But I just ignored him. Kept myself busy.

  12. Avatar

    Ray

    June 8, 2016 at 2:08 pm

    Hi Chris,

    Very informative post you’ve got here. I just have a quick question. All the posts here are for the woman trying to get him back. Does it also apply to the man trying to get her back?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 15, 2016 at 8:58 am

      Hi Ray,

      yes, but we have a site for men too..http://www.exgirlfriendrecovery.com

  13. Avatar

    Barbie

    June 8, 2016 at 1:37 pm

    Hi, I’m currently using the no contact rule. My boyfriend broke up with me about 2 weeks ago after a year together.

    Before all of this happened we lived together for 9 months in another city in our home state. We moved back to our hometown because he got a new job. Thing is he moved to his parents house and I went to my parents house. I didn’t want this but he says he wanted to save money to buy a new home and because he had to temporarily (2 months) move to another state to train for his new job. Everything started falling apart since the announcement of his new job and his plans to move into his parents house 5 months ago. I didn’t like the idea of moving apart, especially after he would be done with training. He grew distant from me after moving into his parents.

    A couple weeks before leaving for training and before officially breaking up with me he asked for time away from each other. During the time away it was a back and forth of “I love you but we need time away” and not much contact either. We became very distant. He finally broke it off because we argued about the time away situation among other things. I did not handle the break up well. In retrospect I should’ve been more prepared. I didn’t want to break up. We had been arguing for months about the same things. Taking time away from each other was brought up in a few fights during our relationship. I felt frustrated for a long time with him because he wouldn’t compromise something I had a big problem with. He has major insecurities. And he has a hard time accepting things how they are. He wanted me to change things about myself. He expressed sometimes I didn’t love him and that I wasn’t loving with him. I tried to show him more love and affection and it wasn’t enough. He would say I resorted to anger often. I admit I did get angry sometimes. But isn’t anger a normal and natural emotion? lol. Near the end he expressed he was unhappy I was not doing well in my career life (I’m going through a transition in careers currently). But despite all these complaints he had of me. We treated each other with respect and kindness, 95% of the time. He’s a good person with a good heart. Always a sweet, kind, sensitive and affectionate man with me. And we have so many common interest. He’s about everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. I’m a little confused when I evaluate our relationship. I didn’t do anything intentionally wrong. Nor do I think he ever had any bad intentions.

    Our break up was pretty dramatic. I am heart broken the way he treated me the moment he moved into his parents to the day he broke up with me. He changed. He called me less. He didn’t want to spend time with me like before. I already saw small changes happening in him since 5 months ago. I would also like to point out we did rush into this relationship. I moved in with him 3 months after meeting. He asked me to because he couldn’t handle a long distance relationship. We are both 37 years old. He’s has a successful and solid career. One more thing…he’s a little bit of a mama’s boy. And his mom is overbearing and controlling. She didn’t make it too easy for me either, lol. I concluded he was controlling and manipulative with me. But not in a violent way at all.

    Two weeks after he broke up with me (and the no contact rule) he’s already tried contacting me through facebook, text messages and phone calls. Telling me he misses me and still cares about me. I have not responded to any of it. I want to speak to him. I miss him dearly. I was thinking of waiting for 21 days before contacting him. My personal recovery has been good. I was very sad for most of the first week but I’m much better now. I’m working on going back to school and getting a new job. I’m working out more and that makes me feel better.

    So what do you think? Is it safe to break the no contact rule or should I stick to 21 days or maybe 30? Don’t know if I could do 30 days.

    1. Avatar

      Barbie

      June 17, 2016 at 2:54 am

      Hi Amor,
      I’m sorry I’m writing again. I haven’t gotten a response to my last post. And I’m still confused as to what to do.

      Its past 21 days of no contact. My ex sent me a message on Sunday after you had replied and I wrote to you again. It wasn’t exactly a message but a link to a video of our favorite show we used to watch together. I didn’t respond. He hasn’t called or messaged anymore since. Also I noticed my food processor is missing which means he has it. And I’m not daring yet to ask for it. I do want it back though. I’m not sure he knows he has it either.

      I guess I’m just confused if those are ways he’s trying to possibly get back with me (the messages and past calls). The original question was about breaking the no contact rule. I’ve been impatient this past week and I want to be sure that its ok to finally contact him. Or maybe just wait the 30 days to contact him?

      Thanks again for your help!
      Barbie

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 17, 2016 at 11:21 am

      Hi Barbie

      sorry for the late reply.. that means 7 texts in a day one time… during that time you can break it.. but right now I think since you’re near, you should just finish nc and be more active in improving yourself because you will still have to contnue those activities after nc at least you’ve done a lot before talking to him again

    3. Avatar

      Barbie

      June 12, 2016 at 8:17 pm

      Hi Amor,
      I’m not sure what you replied with. You said he has to text me 7 times a day?? Is that everyday he has to text me that many times or just in one day?? I don’t think any of his text have been negative. What exactly would be a negative text?

      He messaged me the first time through facebook telling me he didn’t know how to reach out to me because of our last convo when we broke up (it didn’t go so well). He also said he had been thinking about it since and he was holding on to our good times. And that he cared very much for me. A few days later he called me then messaged me “I miss you” on facebook. Then he called me again. And text me to my cell phone “I miss you” and also sent a photo he has of me with that message. He ended the message with “please don’t resort to anger” That was all on the same day. I didn’t respond to any of the calls or text. He thinks I’m angry and thats why I’m not responding to his calls or messages. And I’m not angry. I’m doing the no contact rule. Is it normal for him to think I’m angry?

      He didn’t say he wanted to get back with me. Its been 6 days since the last time he tried contacting me. I still plan to call him at 21 days which is in a few days.

      Thanks again,
      Barbie

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 17, 2016 at 11:21 am

      Hi Barbie

      sorry for the late reply.. that means 7 texts in a day one time… during that time you can break it.. but right now I think since you’re near, you should just finish nc and be more active in improving yourself because you will still have to contnue those activities after nc at least you’ve done a lot before talking to him again

    5. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 12, 2016 at 6:23 am

      Hi Barbie

      I think you can just do 21 days.. if he texts 7 times a day positively or calls or a combination of both, you can break nc or if he tells you he wants to get back with you but other than that you should finish nc

  14. Avatar

    Anonymous

    June 8, 2016 at 4:36 am

    Hello there!

    Arrgh looking through this website and I wish I have found this sooner.
    I must add it’s very informative and quite fun to read with all the little jokes thrown in there.
    Great work!

    Long story short. I’ll try to keep it short.. Lol

    Me and my ex bf have been together for over three years. We broke up 2 months ago. Our breakup was quite confusing and frustrating. Before the breakup we decided to give each other space. Due to fighting over little things that turned into big things. You could say we are both stubborn actually. During the break we had a fight over something dumb again and he msgd.. You really know how to change my mind with this.
    Me thinking he wanted this over and out of anger I replied fine we can meet up and exchange our things then. He replied okay if that’s what you want. We met up and he seemed very angry. Turned out he thought i broke up with him when I thought it was what he wanted! We were both emotional and angry and he decided to go through with the breakup anyways. I cried of course and begged a pleaded. He wasn’t having any of it as he was very angry.
    Of course I kept at him for a week asking him to reconsider and maybe we could go on a break instead and actually try to work it out properly. He said he agrees to have space being single and see each other to see if it’s what we both wanted. We organised a certain date and month .I reluntantly agreed. There were no boundaries to contact as he said he still wants me in his life and that I’m his best friend. We would talk etc. But obviously that didn’t pan out well as we would have little bickers here and there and me not being able to cope with this space apart as he would give me mixed signals like he misses me and still loves me etc and every time we would talk on the phone it just seems like nothing has changed. So yes it did mess with my head abit.
    We agreed to catch up and have lunch. Everything was going great until he told me he was thinking about looking at his options and maybe moving out of state for a job.. He isn’t happy at all with his job he has now I have known that for awhile and he isn’t happy with other things that is going on in his life atm. He told me that this unhappiness has nothing to do with me and that he was very happy in our relationship. He said he needed time to figure himself out with what he wanted and he doesn’t know if he wants to be in a relationship with me or not. I was upset of course but gave him my support and said if he needed someone to talk to I was always here as he doesn’t talk to anyone his friends or family about what is going on in his life. He thinks he is feeling a little depressed. I told him maybe go see someone about it but of course he refuses as he is not like that. He said he still loves me but really just wants to figure himself out and given that he has surgery in a couple of weeks and his first I feel kinda nervous and I want to be there for him so I told him to let me know when he knows for sure. He said he will call me and also that he would come visit me maybe before his surgery or even after. It’s his birthday tomorrow so I was thinking of texting him to wish him one then start this no contact. But given his situation should I do no contact or limited contact where if he initiates a contact I would reply and just be light and just be there for him as a friend.? I know I need to give him space to figure himself out. But I just don’t know the right way to approach it.

    (Details)
    We live an hour and a half away from each other which makes it hard with seeing each other through weekdays given our day to day routines. He has a daughter who is 5 and mine is 8. They get along great. Every other wknd we would spend it together with our kids or without. Throughout our whole relationship it was very intense and we were both happy with each other. We both went through a lot together and even planned to get a house together next year.. It was A very serious relationship.

    1. Avatar

      Anonymous

      June 8, 2016 at 7:15 am

      He is 27 I’m 28 if that helps anything

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 15, 2016 at 8:42 am

      Hi,

      I changed your name but I think your pic ia still showing.. are you in nc now?

    3. Avatar

      Anonymous

      June 8, 2016 at 5:47 am

      Might I add we last saw each other for that lunch on Sunday. We last spoke yesterday. I wanted to wish him a happy birthday because he wished me one two weeks ago with a lovely text then a phone call. I don’t want to seem rude.

  15. Avatar

    Maddy

    June 7, 2016 at 4:30 am

    Hi,
    My ex and I were together for about 5 months and he broke up with me suddenly out of no where, i deleted him off Facebook and snapchat, I have done 30 days NC without any word from him and I’m nervous to initiate contact because I have no idea how he’s feeling or what he’s thinking

    1. Avatar

      Maddy

      June 8, 2016 at 6:22 am

      Thing is, I have no idea if he’s blocked my number or not so I wouldn’t know if he purposely ignored me or he didn’t get my text

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 8, 2016 at 12:36 am

      Contacting an ex during the first contact text message in my opinion is all about data.

      It’ll tell you how to advance.

      I say go for it.

  16. Avatar

    Hush

    June 5, 2016 at 3:02 am

    Hi,
    My ex and I are both 19, and we were together for 4 1/2 years. He broke up with me May 17, a couple weeks ago. So we started dating freshman year of high school. We were both each other’s first, so we learned a lot as we went. Things were amazing between the two of us throughout the rest of that time. We had a few classes together freshman and senior year. I rode to school with him pretty much every morning sophomore through senior year. He really was my best friend. He loved me, and I loved him. We got together once each weekend. Every now and then we’d hang out after school. During the summer and any breaks, we’d spend more time with each. I’m close to his family and his with mine. I’m really good friends with his two closest guy friends, so we would hang out a lot together. A lot of movie and lunch/dinner dates. I would say that over the years, our relationship became pretty chill. We were so comfortable with each other and so open. We texted a lot. That’s pretty much the only way we communicated with each other. We’ve tried FaceTiming, but his wifi wasn’t good at the time, so we stopped that. He got a job at 16 and has been working ever since, but we’ve still managed to make things work, what with school and work, even though there would be times where we could only text to say “good morning” and “goodnight”.
    We had our first year of college last August, and I was 3 1/2 hours away. He stayed home at a community college and still worked. He’s planning on transferring to a 4-year after I think 2 years at a community college. It was tough for the both of us, but I think it was harder on him. I think this is because not much changed for him after graduating, while I was making new friends, experiencing new things. I even joined a sorority, which he was against mainly because he was worried about me. But he changed his mind about it and accepted my decision. I had a lot of things to keep myself from missing him as much. A lot of times at night he’d text me saying how much he missed me, since he gets off of work in the evenings. I kept in contact with him though. I would send a good morning text everyday before my first class. Sometimes we’d have a short conversation, but we were both busy and I knew that. I’d Snapchat him throughout the day to try to keep him from missing me as much. Now that I think about it, I could’ve texted him more, but at the time I felt like I didn’t want to bother him if he were busy, so I’d say half the time I’d wait until he texted me first. We scheduled a weekend once a month for him to visit me, since I didn’t have my car. If I had a break where I was able to come home, like over spring break, he wouldn’t visit. We tried to see each other once a month. I came home a lot more fall semester compared to spring semester. He talked to my parents before I came home for winter break, and he got me a promise ring. Things were going so well.
    The last two weeks of April, things were going downhill quickly and out of the blue. I had an essay due and finals coming up. I was really busy, so was he, and there were times where I would be too busy to text him as much as I’d like. He took that the wrong way, even though he said he knew I was busy. That semester was also when I joined the sorority, so I was really stressed with that. One night (April 25) he texted me saying how he sometimes felt unwanted, pushed away, sad, and hurt. I felt horrible about it, and apologized. I wanted to make things better. We’ve had a couple conversations like that this past year, but the thing is, I didn’t realize until this time what was really at stake (actually breaking up). He said he wished things were “like they used to be,” which I guess was before I was away. He asked if we wanted to work things out and see how it went over the summer (this summer). I agreed.

    1. Avatar

      Hush

      June 5, 2016 at 3:02 am

      Throughout the next week was a rollercoaster. One day he told me he was sad and had a crap day, so like I usually did, I asked if he wanted to talk about it/FaceTime. He said no, and again wished things were like it once was where we’d see each other everyday, etc. He was sending depressing texts. Other days he seemed good/happy; one day he even talked about the future (ie owning pets, having kids). One night (May 2) he unintentionally made me mad. He was with friends I knew, except for this one girl, which he sent a picture of to me saying “check out this righteous babe I’m with”. Little did I know, that was his friend’s gf. He thought I knew her. All in all, I kept the texting short because I was mad (and busy working on an essay), and so did he. He apologized not long after, saying how he didn’t want to hurt me, and how sometimes he messes up too. He said he didn’t know what he wanted anymore and that he might as well be talking to a wall. We went two days without texting each other. I was giving him space, which was what I thought he wanted. I was wrong. He was frustrated, thinking I’d text him when I thought he was important. He said all he wanted to do was to talk to me and tell me what’s been happening in his life, but he’s said that I’ve just been busy. ?? But I’ve always asked him how his day went, and he would either tell me or not tell me. So I don’t know what’s up with that. He said our communication sucks, which it did, and that he enjoyed being with me, but he didn’t know what he wanted anymore. He mentioned feeling pushed away again. I told him I could change and that we could try other things for the future like working more on communication. But he thought things would go downhill again once I’m back at school. He said he wanted things to get better, so I kept suggesting things we could work on. He asked if I thought he was holding me back from doing I wanted. I said no. I asked if he thought I was holding him back, and he said no. He mentioned how he doesn’t like how I don’t like his friends. But it’s only this one girl that he’s friends with that I don’t like. Mainly because she’s super close to him, they rode to class together everyday for the first semester at the community college, people thought they were dating. Yeah. He knew all of that, and how “threatened” she made me feel. I knew they were just friends, and I would just try to forget about her, but that still bothered me. (sidenote: he used to always bring up when they hang out/what they did, until I told him I just wanted to forget about her) He mentioned how it bothers him how I “don’t like so many people”. But in reality, it was around five people, all from high school, and all but one I’ve completely dropped because they are irrelevant and out of my life. And that one being the girl he’s still friends with. There’ve also been a few people he really didn’t like in high school too, which I don’t understand, because I told him people have a right to dislike others, and he agreed. He didn’t like how I held grudges, yet there was this one guy he hated the last 3 years of his high school career. He said that my “list” of people kept getting bigger, which wasn’t true. (Like I said, I dropped all those people once I graduated) He snapped and said that it was good that everything was just perfect at my college, and that I was definitely happier there than at home (where he was). That wasn’t true, and I told him no one I disliked was at my college, but there were people I still cared about at home. He asked if I ever thought that he wasn’t “the one”. Honestly, I never did. He said he doesn’t want to get married and regret it. So I asked if he could picture us together through the good and bad. He didn’t know. He continued to apologize, saying he doesn’t want to hurt me, but he doesn’t know how life is going to go. He asked if I missed him or the memories we’ve had, and I told him that I missed him. I asked him the same, and he told me he missed the memories because it’s been “different” lately. He missed me, “but not as much as how it used to be”. He wasn’t optimistic, and he admitted it. I told him that if we wanted things to work out, that he’d have to meet me half way; both of us put in the effort. I was really hopeful at the time, but he wasn’t. That was when he asked if we could talk on the phone the next day (May 6), so we did.
      It was a mess. I tried to mentally prepare, tell him how I feel, suggest what we could do to make things better. I cried my eyes out, barely said what I wanted to say. He didn’t know what he wanted. He didn’t know if he wanted to even give me a chance to make things better. I begged for him to give me a chance. I tried to get him to think positive. He said he wanted us to get better, but he couldn’t see that happening. I asked if he even wanted us to still be together. He didn’t know. I told him to make a decision and call me the next day. So yeah, next day, he told me he thought it’d be best for us to break up. He couldn’t see things working out as long as we’re in college and that we should wait 3 years (our current career paths require more than the typical 4), and that tore me apart. He said 3 years would go by fast. I broke down and pretty much begged for us to take a break over the summer and the first semester of next year, because 3 years was too long for me. I was worried that being apart for so long would ruin us, but mostly that he’d find someone else. So we agreed to that. He told me he still wanted to be friends and that we could text every now and then.
      I texted him on May 10 wondering if he wanted space, and he said yes. A couple of weeks. I asked him if I could talk to him in person about everything afterwards, and he agreed.
      We met up May 17 at a Starbucks. I thought things would go well in my favor. Being there in person with him, he seemed like his usual self, things felt normal. We ended up talking in his car. I said everything I possibly could to convince him to be with me. I hit every problem we’ve had along with solutions and things we/I could work on. Took into account how he felt/could’ve felt, and how I felt. Tried to sound positive. We talked for an hour and a half. He didn’t say much. But once I finished, he once again said he doesn’t see things getting any better while we’re in college, and that breaking up was the best. We both ended up crying. He seemed hurt. I was hurt. He mentioned something about figuring out who he is, experiencing life on his own. Yet he said he still loved me and cared about me. I asked if he thought I was holding him back though, and he said no. So. ?? He told me he didn’t want me to think that it was all my fault because it wasn’t, and that he wanted me to be happy and not feel like this was a punishment. I dunno.
      My friend pointed me out to this website the next day. I’m on day 18 of no contact. He hasn’t contacted me. I haven’t contacted him. He wished my sister a happy birthday though June 2, and they had a short conversation. He looks at most of the things on my Snapchat story. He’s also been posting a lot there lately, which is not like him. When we dated, he was rarely on social media (Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook). But now he posts on his Snapchat almost every day. Am I allowed to look at it? Also. We have a Chemistry class together at a community college June 6-August 2. The class is over 4 hours long several days a week. What should I do? I haven’t reached 30 days of no contact. Should I say hi? Do I talk to him? Be friendly, but not overdo it? Should I not sit with him? Do I need to remain in no contact longer? It’s been hard trying to “improve” myself. I’ve tried to hang out with friends, but things keep getting canceled. The ones that matter to me are back at college either taking classes or working, or over 3 hours away.
      I’m so sorry that this is so long.. Thank you.

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 6, 2016 at 4:32 pm

      Tell your friend thank you for pointing our website out to you.

      Just stick it out in the no contact rule. You are doing just fine. I know he hasn’t contacted you but don’t get too caught up in the details. Have you been prepping any text messages?

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