What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Just Wants To Be Friends

Four words, four little words can be the difference between having a relationship or being in the friend zone forever.

“Let’s just be friends….”

In my time here building Ex Boyfriend Recovery I have received close to 300 emails from different women, all with unique stories about their boyfriends and breakups. One common theme that I have picked up on when communicating with them is “what are you supposed to do if your ex boyfriend says he just wants to be friends?” Now, I will admit that if you find yourself in this position you are going to have some work to do and even if you do everything that I outline on this page you still may not be able to get your ex boyfriend back.

This is The Friend Zone Page..

My readers have dubbed this as the “friend zone page.” Since this page has garnered so much attention I thought I would come back and buff it up a little bit. So, this new version of the page is going to focus a lot about how YOU can get out of the friend zone if you have been placed there by an ex. Now, since you are on this page I am assuming that your ultimate goal is to get your ex boyfriend back.

There seems to be a common misunderstanding that getting out of the friend zone is essentially the same thing as getting a boyfriend back. Well, I hate to burst your bubble but it isn’t. Getting out of the friend zone doesn’t guarantee you success in getting him back. All it does is prove that you could POTENTIALLY be more than friends with him again. There are a lot of goals/steps that have to pass in order for you to be an official couple again and this page cannot help you with that. Remember, this article is only about how to get out of the friend zone.

If you are looking for something a little more in-depth that can give you the full steps to getting a boyfriend back then I would like to point you towards Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO, my ebook.

Check Out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.

A Sad Truth That You Need To Accept

friend zone

I am going to tell you something that almost everyone else out there is afraid to tell you. All I can do is raise your chances of getting your ex back. Ultimately, the decision on whether he should take you back or not is up to him, not me or you. Even if you do everything right he may still decide that it’s best to move on. The sad truth is that a part of the strategy outlined on this page is out of your hands.

Why am I telling you this?

Because I want you to prepare yourself mentally for the possibility that you may not get him back. I am going to be completely honest with you, women who tend to do better when it comes to getting out of the “friend zone” and into the dating zone are ones who have accepted this sad truth. The ones that I see fail time and time again are the ones that are overly emotional and can’t accept that life may have to go on without their ex significant other.

friend zoneThe Friend Zone

Ahh… the dreaded friend zone! It’s a place that we have all put someone in the past and a place that we never want to be. I will admit that my introduction to the friend zone came in my early high school years. However, I remember it like it was yesterday. There was a girl who I really liked a lot and thought she felt the same about me. I soon found out how wrong I was when I asked her out to a school dance and got the dreaded “Umm… we can go as friends right?”

Make no mistake about it, I know what it is like to have feelings for someone and not be able to do anything about it. The question I am going to ask is, “is it possible to get out of the dreaded friend zone?”

I personally believe that it is possible. However, you have to accept that a certain part of getting out is left up to chance.

Getting Out Of The Friend Zone

Since we are talking about ex boyfriends here you do have a certain advantage on your side. You see, in the example I gave above (where I asked the girl to the dance) I was at a disadvantage because the girl had no romantic feelings for me at all. Your case is a little different because your ex boyfriend has already demonstrated that he does have romantic feelings towards you. Now, he may have lost his feelings towards you which is why he broke up but don’t worry because I am going to give you the tools you need to reignite his feelings for you. First things first though.

Freezing Him Out


If this is going to work there are a certain amount of sacrifices that you are going to have to make. These sacrifices won’t be easy and even as I write these words I am sure that 90% of the people reading this page will fail to do them. Why? Because most people don’t have to discipline to do what I am about to suggest.

I am a big believer in the No Contact Rule. You know, that little rule that says you can’t talk to your ex in any way shape or form for 30 days? If you look through my site you will see that almost on every page I mention it’s significance. If that doesn’t tell you how important I think it is then perhaps a few website visitors can convince you.

The following quotation is a comment I received yesterday from a woman who has been actively freezing her ex boyfriend out using the no contact rule!

I originally left a post on the 8th….. And stopped contacting him unless it was about our daughter. It’s been three days, I’m telling you NC works. This morning at 7am I received a text from him that said “do not respond to this, but I miss you”. Holding strong, and I have been running and eating healthier. The next time he sees me I am going to look amazing. Hold on with the the NC ladies, it’s one of the hardest things, but after three days I already had him admitting that he misses me! …. Keeping busy!!

“Alright, alright Chris, we get it No contact = Good but you haven’t told us how it can help get us out of the friendzone?”

Usually when people get “frienzoned” they accept their fate and actually become friends with the person they are interested in. Now, what do friends do? Well, they talk, text message, facebook, etc. I am not saying this behavior is bad I am just saying that you can’t expect to get back on your ex boyfriends radar doing this.

Since we are focusing specifically on an ex boyfriend the dynamic is a little different. Most women who come to me seeking for help have done the following things immediately after their breakup:

  • They have blown up their exes cell phone with whiny text messages like “please, we are worth fighting for” or “I can change I promise.”
  • Their behavior has forced their ex to unfriend them on Facebook.
  • They have put their ex in an uncomfortable corner where he would no longer respond to their texts or calls.
  • Written letters declaring their undying love.
  • Oh, and my personal favorite, gone to their exes parents to ask for advice.

Trust me, this behavior is not attractive to men. In fact, we are hardwired to believe that it is expected from women after a breakup. I remember my last serious breakup the exact thoughts I had going through my head were “I wonder when she is going to call me?” Now, you may be thinking “wow that is great he wanted her to call.” I didn’t mean it like that. I meant it like this “I wonder when she is going to call me to start trying to get me back?” I must give my ex props for not being too desperate and clingy. However, three days later she texted and in my mind at that moment she lost her value to me.

You see, for three days I was on the edge of my seat waiting for the call or text, almost expecting it. It was exciting to be left in suspense like that but all the excitement left the moment my hypothesis was confirmed and she texted. Now, can you imagine how different that situation would have gone if she would have just waited a full 30 days before texting me? Let me give you a small sample of how I think I would have reacted.

Days 1-5: “When is she going to text me? I know she totally wants me back.”

Days 6-12: “Something is wrong, &*^% she is really over the breakup.”

Days 12-20: I’d probably break down and text…. no response… I get very very angry.

Days 20-30: “Well fine… I am sooo over her..” she finally texts “Wow, I can’t believe this happened.”

Notice how slowly but surely I went kind of crazy! Guys only go this crazy over girls they are interested in hearing from. Of course, not all guys will react this way but don’t worry. I know exactly what to do in those cases as well.

Time To Take Matters Into Your Own Hands

matters into hands

The no contact rule alone probably will not be enough to get you out of the friend zone. For some women, you will find that a simple freeze out for a month will be enough. However, in my experience, more has to be done to reclaim your old relationship. This section is the “more” that has to be done.

Now, I am not going to lie to you. It is very easy to screw up this part. If you say one wrong thing or act just a tiny bit too desperate your chances of getting him back will be gone faster than you can say “goodbye.” No pressure right? Haha. Don’t worry though, I am going to do my best to lay out this method in the simplest manner possible so you can understand exactly what you need to do.

IMPORTANT- In order for the methods below to work to their fullest extent you must have implemented a 30 day no contact rule.

Catching His Eye

You are going to text your ex boyfriend.

“Whoa… Wait, Wait, Wait! What about calling, emailing or writing a letter?”

Good question! I actually wrote an entire article outlining the benefits of texting vs. calling, emailing and letters. Check it out on the following page. So, after you read that page and we are on the same page the question now becomes “what do you say to your ex after all this time in a text message?”

Well, I actually have two methods for a first contact text. One method will be for women whose ex boyfriends have contacted them during the no contact period and the other method is for women whose boyfriends didn’t.

First Contact Text For Women Whose Ex Boyfriends Contacted Them During NC

Alright, admittedly you already have a bit of an advantage over the other women (the ones whose bf’s did not contact them.) Your ex is clearly interested in you, probably a little worried and maybe a little angry that you haven’t been responding to him. Anyways, the point of all this is that it probably won’t take a lot to get your ex to respond to your first contact text. With that in mind, I definitely WOULD NOT recommend that you send him a simple one word text like:

“hey” or “hi”

In fact, I would even say variations like:

“hey, what’s up?” or “whats going on?”

Are a really bad idea. If you are going to send a text to your ex boyfriend (who told you he just wants to be friends) a simple “Hey, whats up?” isn’t going to do the trick. Your text needs to have substance and it needs to force him to reach back in his mind and think of something positive. Here are a few of my personal favorite examples:

text message

Or another one of my favorites:

text example 2

First Contact Text For Women Whose Ex Boyfriends Did Not Contact Them During NC

I know it feels hopeless. You read about the no contact rule and were sure it was going to work. You waited day after day secretly hoping that today was the day that he would finally reach out to see how you were doing… only he didn’t. What now? Should you give up and just accept that maybe you two weren’t meant to be together?

No, you aren’t going to give up until you try everything you can.

First things first, your main priority isn’t to start up a conversation with a friendly text (like the women did in the examples above.) Your main objective is to get him to respond to your text message and then engage him in a conversation. So, how do you get him to respond to a text message when deep down you have a feeling that he wants nothing to do with you.

You create a text message so enticing that it is impossible for him NOT to respond to it.

I will provide you with examples for my “enticing” text below but some of you may not like it because it will require a lot of planning and thought for what to say after the message to keep him hooked in. However, our main objective is just to get him to engage in a text messaging conversation with you because it is a sign that he is interested in what you have to say.

However, if you have a better idea for your “enticing” message then feel free to use it or you can ask me what I think about it in the comments section of this page. Lets take a look at the two examples that I have come up with.

text 3


text 4

The key to making these texts work is to have something interesting to say after the initial “confession.” What you need to say is completely up to you. However, the probability that you will get a response is very high so make sure you have something prepared.

Also, this is something that is a personal preference to me. I would actually wait one hour from the moment that he responds before you respond to his text messages. This way, he is sweating a little bit and can’t wait for your response. It will take amazing discipline but it might increase the chances of him engaging you in a conversation.

The Conversation

This section is extremely important because it is going to teach you how your conversations should go with your ex. I am going to give you a little insight to the male mind. The thing about men is that a certain part of their attraction towards women is very predictable. You see, we always want what we can’t have. You tell us that we can’t have that cookie on the plate… we want that cookie. You tell us that we can’t have that cute blonde in the corner… we want that cute blonde in the corner.

Here is the funny thing. Most men, once they set their mind to something they get a bit of tunnel vision. They focus on that one thing and block everything out. You want your ex to get his tunnel vision on YOU. The only question is how do you accomplish that?

Well, that is easy! You just become something that he can’t have by dominating every texting conversation you have with him. Now, when I say “dominate” I don’t mean to actually dominate him. For example, if you are a Republican and he is a Democrat do not dominate him in the conversation to the point where he changes party affiliations, that’s just scary.

No, I want you to dominate the conversation by ending it first. You always want to leave with him wanting a bit more. I would compare this to the show Game of Thrones. If you have ever seen GOT then you know how wildly addicting it is. However, if you really stop to think about it, while the writing is great and the plot twists come out of nowhere, it is really the shows ability to keep you coming back for more that makes it so interesting. Every single episode is left with an amazing cliffhanger that makes you go “WHYYYY… Why does it have to end?”

I want you to take this “cliffhanger” theory and apply it to your conversations with your ex boyfriend via text message. Make sure that you always leave him wanting more.

How do you do this? Well, there are really two ways to do this.

Method One: The Nice Way

The nice way to end a conversation with your ex is to start the conversation with him, hook him in the conversation.

The Hooking Point- The part of the conversation where your ex is extremely engaged. Think of it like the climax of the story, except it is the climax of the conversation.

Anyways, once you have him hooked you simply bow out of the conversation with this simple text:

text 5

Method Two: Evil Genius Way

I really can’t take credit for this method. I have to thank almost every single girl that I have really liked and not gotten. I have found that this method works on me (so by default it should work on your ex boyfriends and help you get out of the friend zone.)

This method is a lot like the one described above. You get engaged in a conversation with your ex, you get to the hooking point of the conversation and then you end the conversation abruptly making him want more. Here is the only difference.

Instead of ending the conversation with a simple “I g2g” like I explained in the example above, you end the conversation by not responding at all.

This will accomplish two big things. For one, he is going to be checking his phone multiple times, which will reinforce to him that you are important. Secondly, technically you never ended the conversation so you can always start back up whenever you want and it won’t be weird!


Learn How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
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820 Responses to What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Just Wants To Be Friends
  1. Sarah Poller
    January 26, 2015 | 10:03 am

    My name is Sarah and I am 34 from the uk.

    Me and my ex split up one week ago today, until yesterday I did the needy and beg for forgiveness and please come come back all the time. I’m currently on day one of NC.

    Here is my story, we have been together for 17 years and known eachother for 20 yrs and were best friends first.

    2 years ago that’s when it started breakdown and it was my fault. I suffer badly with depression so was on medication and my ex was moaning about me being on them because I was like a zombie all the time and had no interest in him. I came off the tablets and tried to do it alone. My ex started to work on the vans as a night trunker and he was away 6 days a week for 9 months, he would come home 1 day a week and would struggle to be with us as he couldn’t handle the noise. We started to go out of a week end and that was so lovely, he signed us up to an adult site and started to message couples and women and was sexting them whilst working away aswell as swapping naked pics, I found out that he had been doing that and it really hurt me but he wouldn’t talk about it. Then I started to talk to an old male school friend and we quickly hit it off, I sort of put me and him in a bubble and that became my reality although I still managed to be a mom and girlfriend to my ex. Me and my school friend started to text eachother a lot and the messages became more intimate as the weeks went on, I even thought about leaving my ex. I met him twice once with my kids as I suppose a part of me knew this was wrong and I bought a phone from him but never told my ex where I got it from. He then came round to my house once my ex left for work and my children were in bed and we spoke which was nice but he then came into me and kissed me so I pushed him away and lent him the £30 he had originally come round for. After that point I did everything I could to cut off contact with him and afew weeks it worked. My ex however found our messages and went understandably mad but chose to forgive me although he cannot forget.

    Since that time I have been depressed many times, became lonely, needy, controlling and much more. My eldest child started to show serious behaviour issues and was being violent to his siblings and myself. So my attention was focused on him and making sure everyone was safe that’s when my ex again signed up to dating sites, adult sites and gay sites, I was gutted again when I found out he had done this and he deleted all profiles but wouldn’t talk about it. He has done that five times now all with the same excuse he felt lonely because I was preoccupied elsewhere. I felt that to be very selfish, considering for the last two yrs he hasn’t lived with us he’s been at his dads of a weekday and with us of a week end only. He says I’m too controlling but I had to become that way to keep the house running, pay the bills etc. he said it’s because I would call him daily and ask what he was doing and when he would be home. I said it’s because I can’t work and don’t speak to anyone else properly that I speak to you it’s not that I’m checking up on it it’s not. He said I’m to needy and very insistent too.

    I still suffer badly with my depression and I’m again back on my tablets as well as now seeing a counsellor, I’ve signed up to volunteer at my children’s school and in making more of an effort to go out and be social which I’m finding hard.

    My question is should I still do the no contact?

    How do I tackle it as we speak because of the kids and he says he still wants us to be close friends and talk about everything, he wants to be able to message me all the time and even at one point suggested we may be able to do family holidays together and the possibility of him staying over of a week end so he can see all the kids together. He has also mentioned the possibility of us going to the cinema out for a meal and drink, Is there a chance I can save us or start a brand new relationship?

    What the best approach for me?

    Over the past few days he tells me that I’m still attractive to him, that he misses me, I’m pretty and if we met in a bar he would come on to me. He also said that if I met someone right now and had sex with them it wouldn’t bother him then afew hrs later it would hurt him and upset him but he has no right to control what I do now. He says all that above again but he doesn’t love me like a boyfriend and girlfriend. It’s so hard to have him around and me acting so normal like friends, he was even talking about getting his own place preferably his own flat rather so in the future he could take a girl back with him my heart sank, he told me I look nice today and we sat at Greggs for about an hr just normally talking about his work etc it’s just so hard. I said to him that he need to learn to be happy with what you have in your life, I said by all means be ambitious but be happy enjoy your children I said you made me feel at times not good enough and what we had was not enough because you were never happy with what u had.

    So I’m really confused any advice would be appreciated.


    • Sarah Poller
      January 26, 2015 | 10:04 am

      Forgot to mention we have five children together and he is currently having them every week end

  2. Cal
    December 11, 2014 | 11:24 pm

    Hey Chris,
    I don’t know how I would do the 30 day no contact step because we work together. I see him almost everyday and it would be impossible to not talk to him. Also we broke up about 1 year ago and recently started talking more and hating out. This made me realize I want to be more than friends again. Please help me figure out what to do for the no contact step. Thanks.

  3. Cynthia
    December 9, 2014 | 12:32 pm

    Hi Chris,

    i just read this site today and i feel confused of my situation.
    Let me explain, i thought we were doing well until 3 weeks ago my ex said he wants out. We just came back from vacation so I was shocked.But he told me this a day after We had an argument which is my fault. but his reasoning for breaking up is different and he said our argument has nothing to do with it and nothing i said or did influenced i.
    he said he wants to go priesthood and he wants to be alone.I thought he was lying but actually discovered he is making some inquiries to seminaries.Although he isnt decided yet to be priest, he said he wants not to be in relationship and us to be very best friends. and for the past few weeks I was trying to fight via text and sometimes in person cause he comes over and vist twice since the break up, on how could he possibly drop me that quick and didnt give me a warning.
    but few days ago, I didnt contact him for just 2 days and he send sms that he wants to see me next 2x weekend cause he is off at that time but as friends.the thing is i already agree to this because I was hoping that maybe he will change his mind if he realize how happy we are together. im thinking I will shut my mouth this time next week and not ask him about his decision and just have fun with.

    but the thing is, the 2 times he came over as friends, although we fight and argue, we still sleep together in the same bed – just pure sleep and he sometimes cuddle up and kiss me on cheek.

    im confused if agreeing to him to see him on next weekend will help him realize in favor of me or he will be like this forever as a friend but with intimacy.

    i was very attached to him and it wrecked me when he left me 3 weeks ago, and it almost crippled me but im recovering now, but i still want him back but Im scared on the result of our meeting next week. your thoughts ?
    i couldnt quite get his state of mind.. Im planning not to txt him until next week but because he himself convinced himself that i am his bestfriend he checks on me all the time.
    i grab his offer of friendship only because i thought i might sway his decision in the long run

    • Cynthia
      December 9, 2014 | 12:44 pm

      Also because he is very fixed about best friend thing, at first few weeks Im not believing it, cause i know he loves me and thought he will change his kind after few days.
      but lately, i felt numb and felt why would he do this to me.So im starting a program to “love myself” but Im scared because of our best friend thing , I will just be depressed again

    • admin
      December 10, 2014 | 3:08 pm

      You definitely dont want to get friendzoned…

      • Cynthia
        December 10, 2014 | 9:17 pm

        What should i do?should i give him up?
        I want him back in my life but. I just want to have honest opinion if he still has chance to change his mind.
        He told me very clearly he still loves me and he thinks this is whats best for me.. Not to be with him cause he has no clear indication of future.

        I do think he is wrong, he is worth it, even if i have to wait Im willing, but i need to understand from your opinion if we have chance and what should i do

  4. Janie
    December 1, 2014 | 11:07 am

    Please someone help me!!!!!Okay well my ex bf of 4 years and I broke up in August because he said he needed space and he didn’t want to be in a relationship. I tired being his friend so many times and he didn’t want to. He was talking to another girl and it hurt me because he said he wanted to be single. He later on tried to talk to me and be my friend and I blew him off. so things were awkward between us until finally after 2 months later he called me saying he wanted to be friends and I told him why are calling me? I tried being your friend a long time ago and you didn’t. He said he wanted to end things in a good way. I guess I just went with it and we were talking we hung up. Later on that night he texted me where I was at and he came over and we talking having a good time like as friends and well he was already leaving we hugged goodbye. I started crying I told him why did you do this to me. Because we ended things bad. He said he didn’t want to talk about this right now. And well he stayed a little longer and we were talking normal again and well he tried kissing me but I was said no I’m not kissing you.. He tried again and we kissed we were just staring at each other and we kissed again he had asked me after is there anything you need to tell me and I was like what do you want me to say and he said anything…so I told him I loved him…and i started crying and he told me he loved me back and he started crying as well and we were like now what are we.. I guess we both agreed as bf gf again…. And well I texted him the next day I didn’t know if I could do this cause he hurt me so bad. And we decided to be friends and take things slow. Then we hung out 1 day later we had a blast laughing hugging kissing telling each other we loved one another we were just all over each other… And it just happened we had sex and we couldn’t believe we had done that. And kinda made me believe we were gonna be something again. We would talk every night about us how we were gonna work things out to getting back to a relationship. Then just like that he just changed his mind like nothing saying that half of his loves me and the other wants to be free. It just really broke my heart because he it seemed like we were gonna be something again. And he throws that at me. He said he wasn’t ready to get back into a relationship again…he still wants to party and what now…and he said he just wants to be friends again…now I’m just heart broken again…he said he needs more time to think about it…what should I do..should I move on or should I wait for him?

    • admin
      December 1, 2014 | 3:45 pm

      How long have you been doing the NC rule for?

      • Janie
        December 1, 2014 | 11:34 pm

        For about 4 months. I’m so heart broken.

    • Karen
      December 9, 2014 | 4:29 am

      Omg this happened to me today I totally understand we have very similar situations I was doing just fine without my ex and then he comes back in the picture and messes up my progress he says he loves me but he can’t handle a relationship right now and we kissed and had sex and he was crying saying he loves me but then the next day says we can only be friends for now and I’m confused because I don’t know if I should wait for him or just move on it’s hard because I love him so much.

  5. ify
    December 1, 2014 | 7:01 am

    Hi Chris,

    A couple of days ago my boyfriend of 5 months and I broke up. It mutual. Yesterday I told him how I felt about everything which included telling him I wanted to give things a go again. He said we were better off just being friends but I don’t want to give up just yet. I started nc two days ago and on the day after that he texted me.


    • admin
      December 1, 2014 | 3:36 pm

      Seems you took the first appropriate step, doing NC.

  6. Julia Pitts
    October 16, 2014 | 4:46 pm

    I have been dating a Cap male for the past 8 months. He is 50 with two adult children and I am 40 with two minor children (7 and 9 – that he has not met). I was friends with my guy for 10 years, we lost contact and met again shortly after I filed for divorce and started dating. Very early into our dating relationship he starting moving things to the next level. I was pretty much – lets just wait and see what happens. I was just getting out of a marriage and while getting remarried is on my agenda, it’s not immediate.

    We have spent the entire summer together – traveling out of the country and to other states. BBQ’s, etc…. The majority of our free time has been spent together. No doubt we are in love with each other.

    He has been going back and forth on “to raise kids again or not”. A few weeks ago he made an announcement that he’s decided he doesn’t want to raise children (with me or anyone else) and that we should continue to see each other and keep things as is. He was pretty cold about it. No emotion. I didn’t think this would work for me so I said no. We both exchanged some very harsh words with each other and then he suggested that we be friends. I said yes, just because, but it’s a little to early for me to be friends with someone who I thought would be a long term partner.

    He has called me every few days. I haven’t returned his calls. Strange but to me it seems like he’s acting out of fear. He has dated other women with children, and obviously mine were not a secret. His decision came as he realized my divorce was being final. Now he will tell anyone he has deep affection for me, he loves me, and see’s no reason why we can’t keep going how we were but certainly that we can be friends since this is how we started. He just seems cold. Either he was never in love with me like he said or he’s just that non emotional. Thoughts?

    • admin
      October 27, 2014 | 2:53 pm

      A cap male?

      Forgive my ignorance but what is that?

  7. Tara
    October 16, 2014 | 3:22 pm

    So I have studied your website in and out – how can a guy text you and say “I still love you and care about you but I just want to be friends” – how do I even work with that? I work at a doctors’ office (mental health, go figure) and I asked a therapist her opinion. She said he isn’t making sense but saying he loves me and cares a lot but yet wants to just be friends. Do i give up, move on or try to work it out. I will follow the NC rule. Yes I made a mistake (drunk fight with him, that’s all no cheating) but I also did A LOT for this guy. I am absolutely miserable and I don’t know what to do.

    • admin
      October 27, 2014 | 2:50 pm

      Do the NC rule and get some perspective.

      Personally I believe you can’t be in love with your friends… like “in love.” you know what I mean?

  8. Janet
    October 16, 2014 | 2:43 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I’ve been on and off your website for the last year and a half. I’ve gone through so many trying times with my ex boyfriend and now, we are finally on… OK terms.

    I’ll give you some history. We’ve known eachother for about 10 years now (since I was 14 and he 16). Initially, he was the one who really loved me; and then I cheated being young and what not. We struggled through and maintained the friendship. He loved me and made it clear until we were 20/22. Then, he got into a relationship with his now ex girlfriend and I left him alone to do that. He was committed to that relationship, but soon after the breakup, we started talking again and eventually got together. I had problems dealing with the fact that my indecision and immaturity resulting in another girl being significant to him.

    At the same time, he wasn’t as present in our relationship as he could have been and we struggled to stay together. I went through a tough time and we didn’t talk for a while, five months later, I found out that he was back with the ex girlfriend. We had an emotional conversation; and he ended up tweeting that he regretted one situation (that one), but he had to move with the choices he made. Again, we didn’t talk for about 5 months after that, in that time, they broke up. I wished him a happy birthday and we ended up meeting up. He paid and we spoke; but we avoided the issue. The ex girlfriend ended up coming up again and this time, we addressed/spoke about it.

    I found that when he was speaking to me, he was more open. As if, going back there gave him more closure and now he was able to talk to me about it honestly – as opposed to being short with me the first time round. I said that I wanted to talk to him yesterday, and when we met it felt like good times. We spoke about aspects of the break up and where we both went wrong and it was like there was an understanding between us. We also spoke about the possibility of a future between us; and he said that he has realised that I will always be in his life and it is funny that we have come all of this way together. He remembers when we were both in school and now we are working people etc. He also said that he does have strong feelings for me, he always has done and probably always will. When we are together, it feels right and it is like no one can stay angry – we just melt back into eachother.

    However, in talking to him, we’ve both realised that we don’t know eachother as well as we both want to know eachother. Especially in terms of being long-term and in a committed relationship. I’ve told him that I would want a future with him (marriage/kids), but I need to know that he is a good person. So, essentially, we are trying to start from scratch and really establish a good foundation for the relationship.

    My concerns are two-fold; firstly, how do I get to know him in a way that gives me comfort that I’m not his second choice? He went back to his ex and that concerns me, he has never really offered me an apology for all this ex nonsense. I want him to work for me – dammit! Also, I have said that I want to commit to him long-term etc., but because he hasnt really come back to me on it. I feel to run away now, go into NC. But, what I have realised in past relationships is that my inability to take things slowly causes me to run away – in that respect, I lose the connection and then the guy ends up with someone else.

    Your thoughts?

    • Janet
      October 21, 2014 | 12:23 pm

      Well, he sent me this text yesterday:

      ‘If we are truly meant to be together it will happen.
      Until then, it is what it is.’

      I haven’t responded. I’m now deciding what to do…


      • J
        October 25, 2014 | 9:57 am

        Okay, so I didn’t respond which was extremely difficult.
        Put my phone away and decided that he was out of order.
        Did 4 days acting like it didn’t phase me, even though it hurt.
        Was thinking about new projects and ventures, updating my facebook status about fun/light things. Scheduled to go out with my friend who popped up spontaneously. During the meal, took my phone out and saw my ex (the one who sent that text) had called me. I’m like whhhhhhhhhhhy? You made yourself clear.

        Anyway, I didn’t respond at the time. Decided to give him ONE call back. He didn’t answer. If he doesn’t call again, oh well. But, I refuse to chase him and be that girl. Depending on how long it takes him to get back in touch, he is going to have to wait. I’m not sure whether the 30 day NC rule will work, because he is likely to do the same to me (yes, he is that guy).

        But, I’m going to attempt to mirror his response times. If he takes a day, I’ll take 2. If he takes 4, I’ll take 5. The way he has been over the last few weeks, really have shown me that he isn’t worth being put on a pedestal at the moment. Not at all. It would be nice to have him back, but I feel like it’s my responsibility to redraw the lines of respect.

    • admin
      October 27, 2014 | 2:48 pm

      Do you think he still holds resentment from the cheating?

      • J
        October 27, 2014 | 5:33 pm


        You hit the nail on the head and he confirmed it to me the other day.
        He said that he needs to find a way to let go of it; but I ended up telling him that I didn’t know how to make that situation better and that I’m not that person anymore. I don’t know what else to do, because I’ve done alot to get this guy back. I’ve got one more passionate stunt that I’m going to deploy, but if the light doesn’t click on for him. I really don’t know what else to say. We talk about having a future together etc. But it’s like he can’t fully open up and trust me. I don’t even know how to make it right! It’s haaaaaard. The funny thing is, he isn’t trying to make up to me for his wrong doings, he would much rather walk away he said. I don’t understand that?

        • J
          October 28, 2014 | 12:17 pm

          Well Chris, he turned up at my house yesterday in his car to see me. He still maintains that he wants to be friends because of the situation that has happened; but that he hasn’t ruled out getting back together. I guess we are just hanging out at the moment, but I guess… I’m just scared of being used again or being the rebound. It does sound like he is in the process of getting over his ex and he is more open about answering questions on the matter.

          It’s just difficult to be a friend, when I want more or want him to show me affection. With that said, I think that taking it slowly is helpful at the moment because we rushed last time. He has agreed to go to the fireworks display with me next week and also asked me if I was free this week to hang out. Told him I was busy Friday and Saturday and I haven’t text after seeing him last night.

          I just want to protect myself this time round and really be clear about what I will and will not accept – any advice?

        • admin
          October 28, 2014 | 4:25 pm

          Is he a lazy person by nature?

          Like, scared to put in the work for a relationship?

          • J
            October 28, 2014 | 10:52 pm

            He is a bit lazy. He is definitely not a chaser, but to be fair… I think I’ve enabled that in him. I’m quite a passionate/go getting person by nature. He really hasn’t been required to do much; but will make the ODD gesture here and there.
            Another text conversation, and he gives a different rephrasing of the same thing/on the situation. Today it is, ‘I don’t want to be with you right now. Too much has happened and I need a break from “us”‘. I just agreed to whatever he wanted tbh, because I really do think he is all over the place. I think I need a bloody break from us tbh lol – fireworks is no longer happening and I’m just going to take the next 30 days and really consider this “friendship”. Maybe he will never hear from me again.

            • admin
              October 29, 2014 | 2:44 pm

              Thats ok… He will get a rude awakening with NC.

              • J
                October 30, 2014 | 9:14 am

                Hi Chris,

                This might not be the most typical posts, but I thought I would just use this website to express my thoughts.

                As you’ve been made aware, my ex and I broke up in September 2013 and since then, I’ve been really keen to get him back because I wanted to give our relationship a chance in a different setting, when his ex girlfriend was out of the picture. Although we are not back together, I can say that we have made some progress… We at least exchange texts – though not always in the most controlled ways. I am happy about this, but at the same time, my inability to get my ex boyfriend back has caused me to take a look at myself and really assess the ways that I have contributed to where we are now. This situation has been ongoing for a long time and I think I’m just about reaching my finishing point. Not only because I’ve misused NC, but because I’m realising that the issues we have are greater than me alone and it takes cooperation and a willingness from both parties to mend their relationship. At present, he is unwilling.

                I do think that I have enabled him to be lazy and that my passionate nature has allowed him to think that he can just take the back seat in our relationship and get away with it. I am currently in NC, day 2, not too sure if my NC will change this about him, but I definitely think that it puts a break in this pattern.

                I think something else that also encourages me and pushes me to continue with NC until I am happy to break it, is the fact that my ex boyfriend betrayed me. Not only did he go back to his ex girlfriend, go back on his world and leave me when my dad was sick but he doesn’t seem to be registering that those were significant acts and if they were mistakes (which we all make) then, he would be banging down my door just as much as I am banging down his. Instead, he is saying that he would ‘prefer to take the chance getting to know someone new’. My internal response is, ‘so you just think I’m going to be sitting here waiting for that to go wrong again or for you to change your mind?’.

                The logical side of me says if someone is sorry and wants you back, they don’t suggest or use the moving on technique. So clearly, he doesn’t want to be with me because that is not the solution. He says that ‘too much has happened’ and that he ‘doesn’t want my distrust to be hanging over his head’ but my response is, ‘you have the power to make our relationship ANYTHING that you want it to be’ – so, for him to take the easy way out? That is some bullshit (let’s be really honest).

                Who wants to be with someone who takes the easy way out in difficult circumstances? Who doesn’t try? Even though there’s talk about wanting a future with me etc. Maybe that’s maybe just talk to keep me onside if something else doesn’t work out.

                I’m not going to say that I don’t want my ex back, I do; but I’m definitely beginning to see things logically. Maybe that is helping to make me more of an ungettable girl? Alternatively, maybe these thoughts are able to get me further down the road to a new relationship with someone who knows what it means to be a man.

                No, I haven’t been the perfect person; but I am the first to take responsibility (the same can’t neccessarily be said for him). I have been committed despite the fact that I was rejected and humiliated… Clearly, that doesn’t seem to be enough for him and it’s all just making me wonder. I refuse to text anymore feelings and iniate contact, I just hope the awakening comes. The only thing is, NC has happened a number of times and been broken, wondering if it will be effective. However, difference is that this time, I refuse to run away and hide. I will update my Facebook and keep him on social media. If life continues with him, great. If it doesn’t, everything will be ok.

                • admin
                  October 30, 2014 | 6:40 pm

                  What are you doing during NC to kind of heal yourself?

                  Do you mind if I ask?

                  • J
                    October 31, 2014 | 7:39 am

                    Of course I don’t :) – I would say that this time round, I’m working on the renewal of my mind and thought processes.

                    Well firstly, I’m trying to relax my mind and get more sleep. So I’ve started going to bed really early because I find that I’m a lot more calmer when I’m properly rested.

                    I’m also trying to accept the fact that me and my ex may never get back together and we may not even be friends or talk to eachother again. Accepting that as a possibility.

                    I’ve also taken to reading some spiritual books, there’s a book called ‘Ask and it will be given’ – it’s interesting to learn about energy and how what you pay attention to can ruin what you get.

                    I’m also working on being more sociable. I’ve got a couple of parties coming up and even though he decided to pull out of fireworks, I’m still going to have a good time with my friend. I’m not going to be reclusive.

                    I’m also thinking about some of my goals for next year, and I’m looking to take up a new challenge – journalist writing. So, I’ve made a few enquiries.

                    Finally, I’ve got a gym membership, I’m going to start going to the gym to release the tension.

                    The last time I went through no contact with him, I changed my hair and lost some weight. He actually seemed to notice and made reference to it. So that was good, but I realise that right now… I need to work on my temperament and emotions. Need to bring the rationality back – restore some order.

                    It will be interesting to see if he does get in touch. I was the last one to text and I agreed to being just friends after telling him that his decision to leave was essentially punk move.

                    • J
                      November 2, 2014 | 9:50 pm

                      This may be very sad, but I noticed that he reposted a funny video that I posted onto his page on Facebook. So, at least I know that he is watching what I am doing (to an extent) – hmmm

                    • J
                      November 7, 2014 | 7:37 am

                      Chris, I’m 10 days in today.
                      Hmmmm. Still unsure what will happen at the end of the month. Life is looking up a little bit for me tjough :)
                      Just don’t know if we have a future together.

  9. Karen
    October 12, 2014 | 1:28 pm

    My bf wants us to be best friends. We were together 5 years and he has said he felt no attraction to me anymore. And that he wasn’t sure if he loved me like a girlfriend. Things went from great to terrible in 2 weeks and he broke up with me. About a month before the breakup he was talking about our future together in great depth and then things just took a turn for the worst. I work with him so it’s more difficult as he goes out of his way to talk to me, but he has told his best friend that he likes seeing me, but I clearly need time before we will be ok together. Which is complete fried zone. I’m working my way to becoming an UG, but I can’t help the fact that when I see him, I’m quite cold towards him. We have so many mutual friends and he keeps sending out group messages asking when we are ‘all hanging together’ and it’s very awkward. He sent me a text asking how I am and things like that, but I’m so confused by all of it. I really don’t know if I can be friends with him. I’d like to add that towards the end of our relationship, my ex had a total mid life crisis because things aren’t going the way he planned with work and he was so frustrated. We have been broken up 3 weeks.

  10. jean gray
    October 9, 2014 | 3:27 am

    Hi, I just wanna ask if how long is the no contact rule applicable? Since me and my ex broke up like a month and a half already but in between he would text me and I’d reply then end up turning him off again… It’s just yesterday that I’ve seen this site and it’s been a week that I we last tried to contact each other so I wanna ask if I could still do the no contact rule…..

    • admin
      October 9, 2014 | 1:48 pm

      It is still applicable in your case I beleive.

      Are you stealing an X Men name?

      • jean gray
        October 14, 2014 | 3:16 am

        Is it more advisable to email you tho? I want to ask more and tell you more details coz this situation I have is really complicated since the ex kinda just got divorced

        • admin
          October 14, 2014 | 4:01 pm

          You can if you want!

  11. Camille
    October 7, 2014 | 3:23 am

    My ex bf broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We almost fight everyday on the last few months of our relationship. We’ve been together for 1.5 years. I tried to reconcile with him on the same day he broke up with me and he said no. After 2 weeks of no contact, I went to him and asked him for us to be friends. And he said yes. He made it clear that i am friendzoned forever. I want him back. What shall I do?

  12. Ana
    October 7, 2014 | 1:01 am

    Hi, love this website! Need advice please…

    Been dating a guy for 7 months when he found out I had been messaging an ex. Some cheeky messages and some things which drew on his personal insecurities. There was nothing really in it, just some meaningless banter which just came out of my own occasional low self esteem. He found this very hard to accept and things really cooled physically between us however we still rented a place and moved in together (kind of, he lives his with Dad, his mum passed away 6 years ago and he didn’t want to upset his Dad so just left some things at ours and stayed a few nights a week).

    Then he found out by going through my phone that I had been seeing another guy alongside him behind his back. This other guy was much older with two young children who I adored time with. It all played on my issues with having children as I have some history of loss and fertility issues. I honestly just didn’t know what was best for my future but I always enjoyed every second spent with my partner and on occasion tried to end the relationship where I felt so torn but I failed to be decisive and it was only just after I had a short break with the other man that it came out. My ex felt I did not choose him because I did not get a chance to end the other relationship before he found me out (even though I had essentially ended things on the holiday and just shortly after as I realised my ex made me happier). But my ex did not see this and took it hugely badly (understandably). He does not believe that I was not sleeping with this other man (or other men) even though I have told him the truth that I absolutely was not. It was a very different set up with this other man however no less wrong.

    I have since tried everything to explain things to my ex as I love him dearly and want to work things out as when we spend time together we get on so well and have such incredible chemistry. I know he is very hurt and it has taken him a month to really be able to express his feelings. We did continue an on off relationship but he has now called a stop to that saying on the one hand he no longer wishes to be with me but that he also cannot be sure he is not making a mistake. He has offered to stay friends and support me through an illness but only as a friend. He has joined an online dating website and I know he is actively pursuing other women even though him and I still spend time together as friends.

    I feel very hurt, while understanding his anger and upset, his feelings of betrayal and that he feels he can never regain his love or trust for me. However I feel like he has dangled me by a string for the last month saying he misses me and wants to see me, seeing me and having a great time and then cutting it off saying he cannot bear to be close to me and cuts me off.

    I just don’t know what else to do because I love him so very much and we get on so well and have such great chemistry. He makes me very happy when we are together but he will not believe it. I know he is just clouded by his anger and his sister tells me she knows he still loves me and to give him space, that he will not move on that quickly but I feel so worried he will meet someone else and forget the good times we had. Especially with him chasing other women online. Just feel so sad and confused. I would give him space but I am scared to let go and also miss him so very much. Please help x

    • admin
      October 7, 2014 | 1:54 pm

      Well, I have to say you didn’t help your case by seing this other guy… Technically you cheated on him. Were you physical with this other guy?

      • Ana
        October 7, 2014 | 11:56 pm

        No I was not physically unfaithful. I spent time with the other man that I should not have done. I stayed at his house and on occasion slept side by side but there was not a physical relationship. I primarily went to see the other guy so that I could spend time with his 2 young children (who I adored). This I felt at the time soothed some previous hurt and also some difficulties I was going through involving not being able to have my own children. This is essentially while the ‘relationship’ with the other man broke down when we spent time together on holiday alone (without his children) as there was no basis to the ‘relationship’ other than my enjoyment in falsely playing ‘happy families’ with his children.

        The text messages sent (while on only couple of occasions explicit) and where I had mentioned to two of them about meeting but not made any actions to meet these other guys (if I had wanted to be physically unfaithful I would have been, that was never my intention) were very stupid. The texting were purely selfish attempts to boost my self esteem. Not an excuse at all, I decided upon all my actions (or lack of decisive in knowing what I wanted more accurately).

        He is now actively speaking to other women on dating websites and arranging to meet with them. Is it too late to repair the relationship? I am so hurt by the speed he seems to be moving on (less than 6 days since we were physically intimate) and though I have tried to give him space now and apply the NC rule, he still seems to want to be friends (as he allowed me to come to his for coffee and a chat last night – nothing more!) and also text me this morning to ask how I was although it was the kind of text you send to a friend – no kiss on the end!

        I feel so confused. Do I apply NC and hope with time his anger diminishes and he grows to miss me or is it all a lost cause with him pursuing other women? Am I just being too available with him knowing I want him back and by being his friend he can keep me on the back burner in case he changes his mind/is bored/can’t find anyone better?

        Please advise. I love him so much but being patient when everything is so uncertain is so hard x

        • admin
          October 8, 2014 | 1:04 pm

          I understand Ana..

          Here is the thing though. If you and I were dating and you had done that to me, slept side by side with another man, I would consider that cheating and break up with you too.

          Some aspects of yourself you have to save just for the person you are with.

          Definitely apply the NC though.

          • Ana
            October 9, 2014 | 12:22 am

            Thank you for your advice. I know I am entirely in the wrong and he is probably right to have ended it for the hurt I caused him. This does not make me stop loving him or wishing he could forgive me though. I will apply NC and just have to accept the consequences if he meets someone else. Only time will tell I guess. Does NC extend to deleting him on Facebook (if he has not deleted me and still maintains communication, he will still always answer and chat to me if I call him but he always maintains his anger and that although he cares for me, he does not feel the same as he did anymore and does not wish to date me)? I use Facebook to see if he has been online to judge whether he is around or out with others. Deleting this would remove all ties which I really don’t feel able to do… x

  13. hurting still
    October 6, 2014 | 11:01 pm

    ………..I think your website is extremely insightful. I appreciate you do answer and as it is late at night here and I am still hurting after the nastiest break up of my life I need your help, an answer to make me understand better.

    Where do I start, my ex broke up with me 5 weeks. We were planning to live together few more months till we could go back to our lives. Long story short, first two weeks after he dumped me he was supportive and around, then he started to go out every night and have sleep overs. I was so blind in love with him I saw nothing wrong just hurting that he was not back at home.

    This is a relationship I gave my all in….unfortunately… He ripped my chest by saying that the reason of he breaking up with me was that i am not the woman of his dreams and he does not want a long term thing in his life and i DESERVE TO BE HAPPY AND HE cannot tell me that he loves me but he cares a LOT about me and he wants us to be friends very much.

    Last week my life took a different turn. When we broke up and decided to live a bit longer together we also established we do not date other ppl, we even had causal sex few times till he became stone cold to me and unavailable. 3 weeks ago when his going out went even more frequent.

    I started to suspect he already has a rebound relationship. A monster woke up in me. His phone had a lock, I could check nothing. Last week with a bit if luck I saw by accident few romantic messages popping up on his screen. I froze with pain. Here was this guy whom I asked twice if he dates and he always said no and lied to me about the ppl he was seeing.

    3 days later I got “luckier again” and saw sexual messages she was desperately sending to him. I have to mention that me and my ex were fabulous lover in the past and I never had such a passionate man for me in my life while we were dating. We were compatible on a lot of levels hence i COULD HARDLY BELIEVE that the same man that worshiped my body could do this to me and lie.

    Second day I had enough and unexpectedly and suddenly I kicked him out of my house, just like in the beyonce video ” Irreplaceable”

    He was in utter state of shock that I could do that to him. He even left things behind pretending they dont fit in the car to come pick them days later. Of course I took my keys back from him with no words of good bye as cold as i could. His things are luckily in an outside garage I can always leave open and me not be home under no circumstance once he comes back to pick them.

    I suffered like crazy, we talk about just 2 days ago. All so recent. Second day he texted me. I applied the NC rule since the moment i grabbed my keys from his hands. 2 days on the road and I got plenty texts from him in which he asks permission to call me then he said he is worrying for my well being etc…
    All his attempts ignored by me.
    I was about to feel better and actually tomorrow I am about to go to drink a coffee with a new guy just to forget my dismay and madness…. but late in the night I opened my e-mail and here there was him reaching me also via e-mail. He has never in his life sent me an e-mail about matters of the heart till now.

    I will quote it below…and here is where i need you to decode what the hell does he mean? And how come he has this new woman in his life and he still gets active to contact me. I plan to apply the NC mainly to heal my heart,I think me wanting him back at this point would mean suicide. He could always play me the second time around badly.

    Anyway here it is his e-mail I am waiting a feedback from you, have mercy on this broken hearted lady. :)


    I think you have blocked me on whatsapp and I do not blame you at all. I do not intend to defend what I did but I do want to reiterate that I never cheated on you whilst we were still in a committed relationship. I did however conceal developments from you in order to not hurt you and, selfishishly, to have our living arrangements less complicated. In the end I ended up hurting you even more and, trust me, I feel awful for that because you are an amazing woman with all the right qualities and a heart that is truly special.

    You didn’t do anything wrong. You deserve to be extremely happy and you will be. I have no doubt about that.

    Although Saturday was extremely abrupt and unexpected I respect the decision and think it was for the best.

    For me our relationship was very special, with lots of amazing memories and I wouldn’t change anything except the ending. I hope in time we can be friends but I know the wounds are too open right now. But I feel honoured to have shared your life, you give everything and are extremely caring and attentive. I failed many times and hope to learn from it, please don’t hate me. I will never hate you, I have absolutely no reason to.

    My family also think a lot of you, especially my daughter. Please don’t lose faith in yourself and what you can offer. This is not meant to sound patronising in any way.

    Hope to speak soon”

    this is what he told me……what the hell does it mean with he wants to be friends :) He gives me so much attention now for a guy whom I didn’t not make happy like he told me last week :S

    • admin
      October 7, 2014 | 1:48 pm

      I think he seems to be all over the place.

      Let me ask you though, taking his words out of the equation what do his actions say?

      • hurting still
        October 8, 2014 | 5:06 pm

        well…… since I kicked him our of the house he texts me at least once per day he pretends he wants to now if I am ok and asks me about my job, all generic questions. Also few times he asked me if I wanna talk.

        All I did so far was to ignore him.

        I am trying to get stronger by the day.

        I kept thinking back I still believe he dumped me for this new person in his life or they started their affair just before our break up, which is technically cheating. Isn’t it? :(

        • admin
          October 9, 2014 | 1:35 pm

          No that IS cheating if they did that…

  14. serena
    October 6, 2014 | 5:29 pm

    My ex recently broke up with me.we where together for a year,his reason was because we always argued and we weren’t compatible for each other. He says he want us to be nothing more then for us to be friends forever we still talk as friends . also I am 3months pregnant with his baby do you think we still have a chance or should i just give up ? What should I do ??

    • admin
      October 7, 2014 | 1:36 pm

      He knows about the baby right?

  15. Emer
    October 4, 2014 | 8:18 am

    So, my ex and I are back to being “friends” after break up in June and after the 30 days NC. But he is sending me mixed signals likening tomorrow. He acts like we are still dating, minus the kissing and sex. Just as protective and caring, if not more sometimes. People often ask if we are together. His reply would be “no we are just friends” or “we are just really good friends”. But resently he hasn’t done that.

    We were hanging out with friends and I was slightly depressed after learning my dad may have cancer. He acting “boyfriendy” as my friends call it, and some asked if we were dating. He said “no, we’re actually exs.”. Later that evening, he texted me after he arrived at the dorm of the girl he’s sleeping with, something that he usually only does when I ask (and he did without me asking) this stuck me as odd. A friend replied to the text as I was calming down from a panic attack after a talk from my dad. She told him (no idea why) and his reply was he hoped I would be ok soon. My friend told him she was looking after me. My ex said good and that even though we weren’t dating anymore he still cares about me because I am his friend an I Am a good person.

    I have no idea if he wants to be friends or more again. Can you give any insight?(

    • admin
      October 6, 2014 | 11:52 am

      You gave him way too much power. The problem in my opinion is that he knows he can have you.

      • Emer
        October 7, 2014 | 5:10 am

        Is there a way to reel back on that power? I have been going on dates with a guy on and off for about three months if that helps any. (I do like him, just there isn’t much of a spark, but not for lack of wooing on his part).

  16. heather
    October 3, 2014 | 5:11 pm

    we dated for a couple of months, everything was really great. then his entire life blew up (work stuff, family stuff, all really legitimate and complicated), and he started shutting down. he says he just doesn’t have the emotional energy for something serious right now and cares too much to lead me on, but doesn’t want to lose me (hence wants to be friends) and revisit once everything has calmed down. obviously, doing no contact, for my own sanity, and not sure where it will all end.

    but here’s my question: trying to not feel really misled by him (because it was really, really great and intense). which leaves me wondering what to make of his explanation. do men really end relationships with women they are into simply because they have too much on their plates?

    • admin
      October 6, 2014 | 11:29 am

      This is stupid… He should have leaned on you and used you for support rather than pushing you away.

      I am not a fan of his breakup reasoning.

      • heather
        October 6, 2014 | 1:33 pm

        funny. i’m not a fan of the reasoning either, but it is what it is. i’ve sent you emails in the past, but would love a little more insight based on the longer story (which i can’t post here). will resend email today (10/6), subject “from heather.” i’d really, really appreciate your thoughts.

        • admin
          October 7, 2014 | 1:28 pm

          Generally people who post in the comments get more responses than emails b/c the emails overwhelm me completely.

          • heather
            October 7, 2014 | 1:58 pm

            i definitely understand that you’re overwhelmed by the emails, and get that the comments are helpful for people beyond the original poster. that said, i think in some situations, the details are really important, but are also dead giveaways, and some people need to keep those details under wraps for personal and professional reasons.

            i bought your book a couple of weeks back hoping that it would be responsive to my particular situation. although it’s been really useful and insightful, it’s just doesn’t address what’s going on for me right now. hence the emails.

            • admin
              October 8, 2014 | 12:37 pm

              Alright Heather!

              Ill respond to your email. Whats the subject line?

              • heather
                October 8, 2014 | 1:47 pm

                will resend (on 10/8), subject “from heather.”

  17. Meghan
    September 20, 2014 | 8:58 pm

    Alright, so I recently read your article about all the different situations involving NC and that helped a lot. However, me and my ex broke up nearly a year ago, and we’ve become best friends. Legitimate best friends, not the whole ‘let’s just be friends’ game. In fact, while he has lots of acquaintances, I’m his only real friend; he’s told me as much.
    It’s been awhile, and I know he’s moved on, as he liked a girl a few months back (it didn’t work out). I get that I should initiate NC, but I’m not sure how I should go about it.
    If he initiates a conversation, I respond, but keep it short. I get that. But won’t he get mad after awhile? I can imagine it’d be frustrating. Also, since he’s already been interested in other girls, is it too late? Do I basically have to work from scratch? Just some advice about how to go about this would be great.

    • admin
      September 29, 2014 | 4:28 pm

      Well, the end goal for you is to re-enter a relationship with him?

      • Meghan
        October 15, 2014 | 1:15 am

        Sorry for my late response.
        Yes, that is definitely the end goal. However, I’m starting to wonder if enough time has past that I’m really starting from scratch…? Like, some days he seems to be seriously interested, and others only as friends. That’s confusing, but in the past it only seemed as friends so I don’t know if I should do NC or if I should just continue on and see where things take me.

  18. Talls
    September 16, 2014 | 4:43 am

    Hi Chris! So, I was hanging out with my ex all weekend. Me, him, and three other friends of ours all went to an event for the weekend and ended up getting a hotel. While we did get 2 beds, we ended up sleeping in the same bed together, next to each other(mainly because we were watching tv together before passing out). He cuddled me during the night while one of our other friends (also a girl) slept on the other side of him. The entire night he kept cuddling up to me. I fell out of bed a few times. He would wake up, ask me if I was ok. I would tell him I was fine, and offered to sleep on the floor or in the other bed. He told me to not be silly and just get back up on the bed with him. (I was too tired to argue) but the few times, he rolled onto his back, taking the room so I would lay on his chest. I wouldn’t and within a few minutes, he would turn and cuddle up to me.

    At the event, he would be walking around together as a group. Because it was rocky and crowded, he would offer me his arm or keep moving over to me when I talked to other people. Several people who knew us both asked if we got back together. He heard once, and he made sure to a lot of emphasis on the word “friends” in the sentence “We are just good friends”. But even after that, when I tried to separate myself from him a bit, he would follow me. And when I hugged a guy, he took a step closer to us while a friend of mine seemed to think me made a face.

    Meanwhile, he keeps telling people we are “just friends” but his actions seem to say otherwise. What do you think?

    • admin
      September 16, 2014 | 3:31 pm

      Sounds like he wants you physically…

      • Talls
        September 17, 2014 | 3:02 am

        Hi again Chris! Rereading my question I forgot to mention something >< (sorry about that). He is with another girl right now. We were talking, and since she and I used to be friends, she keeps trying to get me to visit her. I expressed a general annoyance of people wanting me to do things (not just her) he told me "If its (the girl hes with) feel free to snap at her!" He then went on to tell me his pet peeves about her, something I have never heard him do before. I also mentioned that a guy at my school (I live in a college dorm) was kinda being annoying (as in asking me out over and over after one not so good first date) and my ex got kinda upset and offered to "sort things out".

        I don't know if that changes anything, but I thought it worth mentioning.

        • admin
          September 17, 2014 | 4:57 pm

          The girl thats dating him wants you to visit her…

          • Talls
            September 18, 2014 | 5:00 am

            Yeah. We used to be friends (until she broke the bro code), and apparently, she is “lonely and wants to see everyone”. She is also trying to bribe me to see her with my favorite foods and gifts. (I personally would like nothing more than to write her off, but sadly, I am just too nice of a person it seems.) I haven’t visited her, and I don’t plan to in the near future. But the attempt is still there, clogging up my skype chat :P

  19. Val
    September 15, 2014 | 8:17 pm

    Hi Chris. my ex broke up with me 3months ago and i had been waiting for him during that 3months. I didnt do anything. I didnt chat or call or make any contact with him as u suggested. Surprisingly he chat me yesterday night and now both of us keep chatting. And on this weekend we have plan to meet up. I know it may leads to “friendzone” since he once said we could be friends but i will do anything u suggested to get him back. Wish me luck!

    • admin
      September 16, 2014 | 3:18 pm

      Well, I always suggest by starting out with the NC rule.

  20. palak sehra
    September 15, 2014 | 3:26 pm

    Hi chris i hav a query..
    I was in a relationship with my bf for 1 year.. it was a long distance relation.. I broke up with my boyfriend almost a month back.. the reason he gave was that he is stressed because of his personal tensions.. actually my bf was trying for his PR from lasy yr.. becoz of which he was extremely frustrated and so it startd spilling over our relation.. everything was perfect until he said he is not able to keep me happy and so want a breakup as he is not giving me enough time and we cant have any future together.. i tried convincing him.. but he had made up his mind.. he said we can be friends but he doesnt want to be in any kind of relation as his things are screwd up.. i tried not texting him for few days.. he contactd me then.. we spoke casually.. but his views were same.. this has happend twice or thrice.. once he contacted.. nd twice i contacted via text only.. all these tyms it was casual conversations about his nd my job and all.. otherwise we dont speak..

    Now i dont understnd whether to support him with his decision of remaining friends and just go on like this only.. or to stop all contacts..

    He once said that i did nt support his decision of remaining friends when he was not with me.. that is aftr break up..

    I love him a lot.. nd i know he also does.. its just these circumstances that hav ruined our relation.. i want to support him with this decision as i love him a lot..

    Please suggest me what should i do.. because i really want him back..

    Waiting for your reply..


    • admin
      September 16, 2014 | 3:10 pm

      You know what I am going to vote…

      I vote go NC!

  21. Jess
    September 12, 2014 | 3:50 am

    Hi Chris,
    Love love your site, great source fore real honest advice. I dated my ex for just under a year, I’m in my early thirties, he’s in his late thirties. While I may be a slight commitment phobe, I’ve still have a few serious relationships, the ex unfortunately, quickly approaching 40 has never had a serious relationship before me, and has commitment phobia to the extreme. He and I did get to a point where we told each other “I Love You” (he said it first), and met each other’s friends etc., and saw each other frequently. However, we hit a few bumps along the way, but in the past always manged to work through them. It was hard again because he’d never been in a serious committed relationship before, so he really didn’t understand that getting to know someone, and communicating with someone sometimes takes work and hits snags.

    Anyway, I asked him one day where were headed, if this was serious. I didn’t think of it an ultimatum of “marry me in the next year or else” as I’m in no rush, but instead I just wanted to make sure that he and I were on the same page, and wanted the same things, and that he was committed to making things work, to us. At the end of the day, I didn’t want to end up that woman who wakes up and realizes she spent the last 3-5 years waiting on a guy to marry her. His response to my question of “Are you in this with me”, “where is this headed”, was “I don’t know.”

    I got upset, and suggested we take a break. We took a break for about a month. I tried to do no contact, but changed my mind as I was afraid I would lose him. After a month he told me he still didn’t know how he felt and it wouldn’t be fair to keep me in limbo any longer, but asked if we could still be friends.

    Have been trying the friends things for a little, but it’s terrible. I thought I’d be fine, and I was for a little but he constantly texts, or e-mails and any progress I made is lost as I feel myself drawn back into the relationship, which now is a non-relationship. I’m suffering, but he’s getting to eat his cake and have it too.

    I’ve decided to commit to No Contact for good this time. However, I haven’t told him that I’ve decided it’s best we don’t speak, and he unfortunately keeps texting or e-mailing me. Should I tell him I need some time? Also, do you suggest I do the 30 day, 21 day, or as some people suggest 60 or 90 day.

  22. isheworthit?
    September 9, 2014 | 10:11 pm

    I dated this guy, we did not dated for long, we dated about 3 months. We got into 2 fights because I did not trusted him. This was due to the fact guys that have repeatedly cheated on me in the past. So apparently to him I was this clingy girl that always wanted to hangout with him. So we broke it off and still I feel like this needy/desperate girl. He still acted interested in me and thought he wanted me still. Than he message me that he would try not to do that anymore and still wanted to be friends. I was going to play it cool but instead I was this depurate girl that wanted him back. Than after this crazy bickering with him I finally agreed to be his friends. I feel like He never saw the true me, I am very honest, faithful, kind and trusting. He never saw this in me and I just want a second chance but his brother told me he might be interested in this other girl. I don’t know what to do. Im doing the no contact rule right now but I’m trying to figure out what I should do after. just give up and be his friend or ignore him until he contacts me? I need help, i Don’t know what to do.

  23. Bank
    September 9, 2014 | 1:38 am

    Hi Chris,

    My ex broke up with me 8 months ago telling me he wanted to be alone. I know he hasn’t dated anyone. During this time we have hang out, talk every day, have sex (i know) but he said he was unsure about what he wanted.Right now he has 2 jobs and gets home by 11:30 pm and has only sundays off. Yesterday I went to his place and we cuddle for a while. I wanted to sleep with him but he said we better not because I get too emotional afterwards (it is true, I try to play it cool but after a few days I start to freak out). So, we had one of those heavy conversations, he said he loved me and likes to be with me but he can’t be in a relationship. He also told me that we shouldn’t see each other anymore, but that he wanted to be friends. I made alll the mistakes, needy, clingy, demanding….He has not contact me since yesterday. Now i don’t know what to do, should I wait for him to contact me? Do the NC rule?? Please help!

    • admin
      September 15, 2014 | 3:21 pm

      Yep, do the NC rule.

  24. martha
    September 9, 2014 | 12:08 am

    hey chris my boyfriend just broke up with me because first he said he sees me as a sister but now he told me he sees me as a friend. he wants to stay just friends for the moment to see if the flame gets rekindled and we can make it work. what can i do?

  25. Kim
    September 2, 2014 | 5:03 pm

    Hi!I could so use a males opinion!! I started to date this great guy back in Feb we kinda moved fast on being exclusive. I knew he just had his heart broken (ex of 5yrs was sleeping with his best friend for 2yrs) and then I found out it happend only 3mo before we met!!! I knew I should have walked away but I just couldn’t there’s is something about him. We were great together… Had so much fun as the mouths went on I met his friends his family but not his son (something we both agreed should wait).then he got hurt in July & was in the hospital for a few wks and when he got home his ex started in on her normal craziness(long story)..& we went from everything being OK Mon to Fri him sending me a “I’m sorry I have to take care of my son & makes sure his mom is OK & can’t be there for anyone romantically right now etc” text!!! A text to break things off after 5 1\2mo’s!!! I was so shocked & hurt. We didn’t talk for a few wks (& him liking my stuff on fb all the time..which i hated lol)then I had a weak drunk moment & sent him a text saying he was a coward & thought I meant more to him….ya kicked myself for being that weak. Well after a wk he sent me a text saying I was right & that text was called for & if we could talk soon. Then another wk went by & he just came over this past weekend for coffee. It was like no time had past we chatted for a little then he asked how I was doing..I told him the truth. Im OK life goes on but I can’t lie & say i don’t miss you.told him he really hurt me by sending a text. He said he couldn’t face me..that between his company, getting hurt, his son & ex & us getting serious all at once he freaked and ran. That I mean so much to him etc & he agreed he tried to move on too fast. He asked if we could try to be friends..yep the friends word!! I told him I don’t know. I can’t be your friend & know your dating girls or have you talk to me about other girls because I’ll flip lol his response was “if I’m asking you to hangout I’m not going to be dating other girls” What does that mean!?!?! When he left he hugged me again & said he would pick me up the next day to show me something he just got for the business. Few min later he is texting me a smiley face & jokes for a few hrs. Next morning I get a text asking about my night & that he’ll be over in a hr for that ride. It was a fast ride & we were back at my place chatted about the rest of the day & he was off to get his son for the day. We talked about maybe bbq later but nothing 100% text a couple times then nothing for a while.. so I gave in a
    & sent a text in the afternoon & told him to let me know if he wants to BBQ nbd if not I’m still doing it.. And nothing back. I know between work, 1st day of school & a boys weekend trip he’ll be crazy busy this wk..so I’m doing the no contact rule for now but how long do I wait? Should I send one later next wk? And what did he mean by the above statement!? I’m so lost because I was prepared to say goodbye when we had coffee but now I don’t know what to think or do..

    • admin
      September 3, 2014 | 2:35 pm

      Definitely do the NC rule I say do it for 21 days in this case.

      • Kim
        September 3, 2014 | 5:12 pm

        Yes definitely not going to be getting a hold of him for awhile! But how do I take the “if I’m asking you to hanging out I’m not going to be dating other girls” statement? Trying to figure out what he was trying to say..I should have just asked right there but we kinda got interrupted and started talk about other stuff.

  26. Emy
    September 1, 2014 | 10:52 am

    Hi Chris, in my case is a little different. My boy have had an avoidant relationship behavior, because he had abandoned for his mother when he was 8 years. She came back when he was 14., so everyrelationship that is going to the right place scares him and he finishes. We NEVER fighted, we go so good together, specially on sex, but he is full of restrictions with woman, and says he is still looking for something special. I know it is an excuses for his problems, bec I am psychologist and I showed this point for him. I feel I am not neither girlfriend, neither friend neither friend with benefits, because he talked too much about his life, problems… And now a tragedy happened in his life 3 weeks ago… Her only son died in an accident… He is disturbed and we keep talked everyday. But he told for me dont go to his city because he want stay with family and his heart was shut up.. And he told me, that he cannot give to me what I am looking for that is love, only friendship. Curious is that always is he that mentions LOVE in the talking, not me….. i tried only to use my professional side at the texting. His last contact was friday morning… He called me on skype… He is devasted, and I offer him to help doing a trip or if he comes to the farm… Now, I am waiting him to text me another time… But I dont know if i can wait, text him normally or do the NC time…. Give me your sugestion.

    • admin
      September 2, 2014 | 1:16 pm

      So, his mom leaving screwed him up. Did you reassure him in the relationship?

  27. Samantha
    August 29, 2014 | 6:31 pm

    Hi Chris
    This is the second time around my ex coms back to me after breaking up last april (I broke up w him), the first time, after breaking up he reached me and started texting me, I asked him if he wanted to fix things, and he told me no, he wanted to be friends and I told him I was not interested in a friendship and he disappeared, even blocked me form facebook and whatsapp. I applied NC immediately.
    A couple of days ago, 1 month after this second NC period he sent me a txt saying he missed me. We started talking about how we were doing and such, and suddenly he told me: I missed you, talking to you, you make me smile. I responded to him that it was very sweet of him, and I also felt really good about having him close, so I asked him why he decided to approach me again, he told me that he wants me in his life in any form because I am really special for him, so I told him that I wanted to be clear on this, I was still not interested on being friends only.
    He told me that I am someone for whom he feels a lot of things, that he has feelings for me still.. he is attracted also in a sexual manner.. he told me he doesnt have with other women the type of conversations he shares with me.
    The truth is that I am really confused. I explained to him why I could not be freinds with him (my feelings for him) and he responded that right now he doesnt want to commit to me or to have a girlfriend, that he is doing ok on his own, he is having a good time and that he doesnt want to come back to fight with me. Buttom line, as I see it , he wants to have all the good atuff we used to have when we were together, but now he doesnt want any commitment or relationship rules.
    Let me tell you that I broke up with him because he used to flirt with girls online behind my back, even when we agreed since day one he was not going to do that anymore. So I caught him and I had to terminate the relationship, but I always have expected him to come and talk to me about this.
    When we were having this intense conversation via facebook, he told me that he knows that I get upset when he flirts online, and told me that he will never change and that is why he thinks we cant work as a couple. That obviously hurt me, so I told him you know what there is no rush on this, I am out of the country anyways until december so I dont want a relationship right now. Take your time to figure out what is that you want and we can keep texting through Facebook having a nice chatting time, we can expect to have something resolved by the time im back.
    Chris I really love him and it makes me happy to have him around, but right now I dont know how well I am handling the situation… Should I be cold or friendly with him? Or should I back off and stop talking to him? I do not want to change him, I only want him to commit to the fact that I deserve respect and I want him to stop flirting. The flirting I talk about is giving likes on Facebook, hearts on instagram, I am not able to stand any type of flitring, thats just me. I know we all look at attractive people but hey, cant he just see a cute girl think to himself damn she is hot and keep on with his life? Why does he have to make contact, complementing them, liking pictures.. I told him this yesterday.
    After everything we talked, he told me I was right, and that yeah he wanted to let things flow until I came back, but that I should not feel we are having something right now….
    I was really polite and firm, but now what?? I am thinking about just cooling it off and just focusing on making him feel great when he talks to me, since we had a really intense conversation and I dont want him to feel like I am expecting something right now.. I really want this to flow so we both feel the need of committing. I am coming back until december so I have plenty of time to reconnect with him, and get in shape you know.. like improving the whole thing. I am a little worried about him finding someone else or him doing other girls but.. I guess I will have to cool down since we are not a couple right now.
    What do you think I should do? Am I handling this the right way? I dont want to screw this great opportunity of getting my ex back.

    I hope you can help me understand how to handle the situation from now on, I want to do this the right way, no rushing like I did before.

    • admin
      September 2, 2014 | 12:13 pm

      Him finding someone else is always going to be a risk after a breakup. I would say that right now you are better off being patient and slowly working him.

      • Samantha
        September 2, 2014 | 6:05 pm

        Thank you, I will be patient then and work this slowly :)

  28. Niki
    August 28, 2014 | 9:30 pm

    My ex and i had been together almost 3 years,always had our ups and downs but got through them. About 2 weeks ago he text me out of the blue and broke up with me, his reason was thathe felt I didnt like his family which was total rubbish. Anyway a week later he texts me again and we talk about the reason why we broke up and he begged me to get back with him said that he could never be with anyone else and that he wanted to marry me. We got back together and spent a nice day together about 3 days later just laughing and cuddling ect. 2 days later he texts me again and tells me that he just wants to be friends. I told him that i gelt he was playing with me, politely said goodbye and deleted his number. Now i really don’t know what to do because i really don’t know what I’ve done wrong. Should I just let it go or still try and pursue he relationship?

    • admin
      August 29, 2014 | 12:03 pm

      Only pursue if you think he is best for you long term!

  29. J
    July 30, 2014 | 7:14 pm

    How can no contact help if I was the one who hurt him? We broke up two and a half months ago and I haven’t implemented no contact because he told me the only way to remind him of good memories is to talk and be friends now, and that if I stopped talking to him he would have nothing good to remember. But being so close now is so hard for me.

    • J
      July 30, 2014 | 7:16 pm

      And a lot of the reason we broke up is because he felt as if I didnt prioritize him or care, and now I am overcompensating to show him how much he does mean to me. Because I feel if I do no contact it will just validate to him that I dont care when I really do

    • admin
      August 4, 2014 | 1:54 pm

      It can give him time to level out emotionally and missyou.

  30. Linda
    July 29, 2014 | 10:10 pm

    Hi chris. My Ex and i live together. He broke up with me before he left for a month long trip. Our contact had been all over the place from fighting to cuddling and so on. He agreed to take a vacation with me but insists that were are still broken up and that his mind is made up I agreed with him that we are still broken up and this is a good bye trip clearly I’m hoping for more but have come to terms with his decision ….. Im a bit confused I pushed for the trip but he did not have to agree so Im wondering whats going through his head? And also if there is anything I can do during our trip to change his mind…. Of course the story is a little more complex but you don’t have all day for that.

    • Linda
      July 29, 2014 | 10:14 pm

      ps he had been back now for a week and a half from his month long trip where we had little contact but still managed to argue and also of good contact. Its difficult because we live together. Our trip is scheduled for 2 weeks from now

    • admin
      July 30, 2014 | 3:06 pm

      I think the problem is that he knows he can have you…

      • Linda
        July 31, 2014 | 2:47 pm

        Yes I think that may be true as well. This trip is a trip we have taken with friends before this time of year. Stuff came up last minute so I will not be joining the trip however he will do so for 3 weeks. Should i implement no contact while he is away? ALso the lease is up in a few months on the apartment, Im trying to pull strings and see what I can do about moving out sooner. He invited me dinner and some other thing this friday. SHould I decline? How should I play my cards?

        • Linda
          July 31, 2014 | 3:00 pm

          Also I learned he is so respect about our living situation that he joined multiple CHEAP dating websites he did not even have the decency to wait to till we have our own places.. What is his rush with all these girls?

  31. Arie
    July 29, 2014 | 4:27 pm

    Hi Chris, I have been reading all sorts of blogs in the last few hours like a lost puppy trying to understand “what does he mean when he says he wants to be friends?” The problem is he is not exactly an EX. So it will take me a while to give you the background and this may be as long as a novel. So, thank you in advance for reading this…
    We are both expats currently living in Asia – he is in Japan and I am in Singapore, and we both travel a lot for work. We met at a work function in Japan in Jan this year, where he eventually followed me back to my hotel and we were supposed to have an one-night-stand. It did not end there. He told me he was going to Singapore the week after for only a day, and asked if he could see me. I said yes. He asked if he could stay with me, and for some reason I said yes. Fast forward, during the first 3 months we saw each other 5 times. It’s quite a lots consider we live in two different countries with a 5-hour flight in between. We do not exchange texts or calls when we are not in each other’s country – so clearly it was an arrangement. However whenever we were with each other, things were great – sex was fun, we were both considerate, we slept together with lots of intimacy and cuddling. I was fine with the arrangement until in April when he was in Singapore for an event and I asked him to meet me at a club. He had friends with him and when he tried to introduce me to his friends, he could not remember my name. I was upset and I left the club despite the fact that we made plans to go back to my place together. He called many times that evening and wanted to come over. We met up and made up because I decided it was ok because it was what it was – it’s supposed to be an arrangement. Then we stopped talking for two month between April and June. I was feeling flirtatious one night and started texting him. His response was enthusiastic and he told me he would be in Singapore for a month for work. His service apartment was a 5-min walk from mine. I got excited and was ready to have fun this guy during his stay. The first time after two months was not great – we got into a fight on why women blame men for the problem on prostitution!! We had sex, we slept together, but no hugs or any sort of intimacies like we used to have. Again we both travel a lot and have high demanding jobs…we made plans and sometimes he had to change it and he always asked if I am upset….Finally there was one time we met up and he was too hung over to have sex… he sent a text the next day apologizing for not being good company…then he had to fly out to NY… and had asked if I would like to go hiking and do dinner when he gets back…I freaked out a bit but told him I would love to. Anyway, he I s finally back and we made plans to meet last Saturday for dinner. On the Friday night before, I asked if he was just sitting at home in his underwear and if he was I would like to go over… he asked if it was a booty call and I said yes….I went over… he was a bit hesitant… I asked if he wanted me to go home.. he said no…anyway we had sex on Friday. On Saturday, he was trying to get out of dinner, but I told him I already made a reservation… so we kept the plan… Dinner was enjoyable…then in a Taxi, he told me he just wanted to be friends. I was drunk… and I asked him – Can we be friends with benefits. He said no. I asked does that mean we do not get to sleep together anymore… he said we will need to see about that…I asked him why did he want to be my friend? He said because I seem to be a very cool person to have as a friend. He got off the taxi and said we needed to finish the conversation before he leaves town again on Thursday. So we had a chat on Sunday – he told me that the reason he has been moody and difficult to deal with is because he has been thinking what to do with this, whatever this is…and he decided he wants to be friends. He asked me how do you think this is going to go, or end… I said I don’t know. I want to continue. I told him that I like him and I think he knows … and I asked if that had made him feel uncomfortable. He said – he knows I like him, otherwise we won’t be having this conversation.
    Anyway he said we can still have lots of fun “hiking and having dinners, and exploring new restaurant together….” I told him I am not sure if I can be friends with a man whom I slept with. I have many guy friends, and actually my 3 best friends in Singapore are all men (it’s a fact. I have always been a tomboy), and that I have never slept with any of my guy friends… he asked me “ so, what are you saying?” I said “ I may not be able to be friends…” He said “ you don’t have to decide now.. sit on the idea, and when you are ready, you let me know…”
    We went on talking about other things and it was time to say bye. He kissed me on the cheeks and said “see you later? Or maybe not?” I said “maybe not. But if you change your mind you can let me know…”
    I do realized I don’t know anything about him to make a conclusion… Is he just being nice and sensitive to let me down gently? Or is he acting like an ass without know he is acting like an ass (sleeping with me on Friday and telling me he wants to be friends on Sat)
    So why does he want to be friends? Would I even get a chance to take this further I agree to be his friend?

    • admin
      July 30, 2014 | 2:00 pm

      Did he specifically ask for a FWB type of relationship?

      • Arie
        July 30, 2014 | 6:18 pm

        Hi Chris” thanks for getting back to me. No, he never specifically ask for one? We just never talked about it. During the conversation on Sunday, he said he is not good at the fFWB thing, and it’s not like he has a list of women to choose to sleep with. He also said he has been thinking about what to do with this…whatever this is…but he never said he wants a relationship either. And now he wants to be friends? Very confused.
        I told him I am not sure how to be friends when we parted. Then I ran into him on the street and we chatted a bit. I texted him on We’d before he left for NY and told him that I gave some thoughts into it, and I asked when he is back and told him I want to talk? He responded with some chitchats and said “see you when I am back. We need to take you dress shopping anyway…” (He owes me a dress) He has not told me when exactly he will be back yet. Should I just wait? I mean what does he mean he wants to be friends? Finally want to get to know me as a person? Or to just keep me in his back pocket?

  32. Elizabeth
    July 27, 2014 | 10:31 pm

    Hi Chris, I have have actively reading your website for about 2-3 months now. I don’t have a lot of close friends so I thank you for this website,for helping me feel like someone cares about me in this process. Anyways, I am at the stage where my ex and I finally met after the no contact rule. We met up and had a good time catching up. After dinner where I suggested splitting checks even though he suggested an expensive restarant. He asked if I wanted to come by his new home to see the work he has done on his home improvement projects. I said sure. We went to his house. Looked around, talked, stayed to watch a movie. And of course I couldn’t control myself and initiated a kiss. He kissed back and one thing led to another. So after being intimate I left to go home. In the morning he texted me it was amazing:) but that he just didn’t know what to do next. He wasn’t ready to just jump back into a relationship with me. He said his heart is still locked up. He said he’s still hurt and his heart wont allow him to jump into something so soon. So he suggested being freinds with benefits or just friends. So I said Just Friends. That I respect myself to much to just be a cheap friends with benefits. He agreed. He said he wants to give the friend thing 8 weeks to see if I have really changed. I need advice. Please! Does it sound like he’s just going to hurt me. Or like he really does need time. I’m also afraid that I wont be able to control myself with him. That I will try to initate somehting with him when are together as Just friends. What should I do???

    • Elizabeth
      July 28, 2014 | 5:18 am

      Also I should mention he does not want to mention what happened between us to anyone. Friends, family, anyone. Basically he wants to keep what happened between us a secret and that he’s talking to me as a friend a secret. And he will not readd me on any social media. He said not until I have showed him I have changed. Is this a bad sign???? Or normal considering he’s confused and hurt. And may not want to look like a fool taking me back. And no i did not cheat on him. I did make mistakes though.

    • admin
      July 28, 2014 | 2:47 pm

      Hmm… commitment issues with him it looks like.

      I would go NC for 2 weeks and then slowly advance things again. Except don’t be physical with him. Make him work for it.

      • Elizabeth
        July 28, 2014 | 3:22 pm

        Hmmm a whole 2 weeks? Even though he is basically only giving me 8 weeks as a friend to see changes? I trust your advice. Its always helpful despite my thoughts. But I just want to made sure you read the part apart the 8 weeks he’s giving me.

        • Elizabeth
          July 28, 2014 | 3:36 pm

          So sorry, I also forgot to mention it is my Birthday this weekend. So I assume it’s okay to reply with a Thank you if he txt Happy Birthday? But should I reply if he asks me what i’m doing or wants to do something

          -Thanks Chris

          • admin
            July 29, 2014 | 1:32 pm

            Nope… if you are in NC you can’t even reply.

        • admin
          July 29, 2014 | 1:29 pm

          Try two weeks. Lets do things on your terms and not his.

  33. Amanda
    July 17, 2014 | 12:25 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I have been actively reading your site for three months now. And THANK YOU! You have helped me more than anyone.

    I just read “when to stop trying to get your ex back.”

    I feel like I’ve done everything right. No contact, emotional connection, I’ve had him saying things like he’s mad a mistake. And after going on a date with someone else, he professed that no one meets standards like I do. However HE is unable to give me what I require from a relationship (is attention.. He just doesn’t have anything to give.) but we have a depth and connection I have never felt before.

    In one of your articles you talked about how one man had a hard time expressing his feelings and te more his gf felt and expressed, the more scared and inexpressive he got. That is my ex in a nut shell. We for together last night to have our open and honest conversation. And it went awesome! We almost didnt want to, bc we know he have such a great time when were are together. We had a lovely evening, I told
    Him I didn’t want to be his gf (reverse psychology) and that I am fully supportive and so happy for all that he is doing in his life. I know he needs his freedom and time. And this is his time, so go kill it!

    However I can see us together, raising children together in the future. And I’m not sure if this is where I should give up. Or stay in this limbo and keep trying. Please help me. I’ve done everything right… But you’re right… It is so hard and not black and white!

    Thank you for everything Chris,

    Amanda Peter

    • admin
      July 18, 2014 | 3:44 pm

      Tell me, your ex, who has trouble expressing feelings, do you think he has issues with commitment as well?

  34. K.A
    July 16, 2014 | 8:39 pm

    My ex and I dated a little over a year. He claimed it was because he needed to get his life together and that he doesn’t have time for a relationship with any girl until that happens. Now I know some guys say things like that to make is a little easier. So that night he freaked out and kept texting me that he was going crazy because he didn’t know if this was the right choice and if he could live with this decision. So I told him to go to bed and just think about things. The next day I stopped by to give him his stuff back and his reasoning for breaking up with me was different. This time its as because he didn’t feel that ‘spark’ anymore. Which I explained was normal, sometimes people get lazy or couples get into a routine. So I left, and he called me that night crying and saying how he didn’t know how he felt. Now, being stupid, I had called him the next day because I really wanted some closure, and seeing as he had called me the least he could do was answer when I did. Well, he didn’t, so I had texted him explaining my stance on things because I had a gut feeling he wouldn’t reply. It wasn’t until the next day when he called me and yelled at me telling me he needed space to figure things out and that he couldn’t be in a relationship because he needs to get his life straight (yea I don’t even know which breakup reason to believe). He also said that if he doesn’t contact me before I leave for school then I should text him and let him know the day I’m leaving (which is actually a month away). I know the probability of us getting back together is slim. However, out of the 8 relationships I have had throughout my life I can honestly say I have never been this upset over a breakup because I really thought we had something going and I saw a future with this guy. What I really want to ask is, would the no contact rule still apply here? Or would I just be wasting my time because we had texted a little after the breakup?

    • admin
      July 18, 2014 | 3:05 pm

      He sounds like a basket case and you sound like a really grounded person.

      I definitely think the NC rule is the way to go here.

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