What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Just Wants To Be Friends

Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO

Four words, four little words can be the difference between having a relationship or being in the friend zone forever.

“Let’s just be friends….”

In my time here building Ex Boyfriend Recovery I have received close to 300 emails from different women, all with unique stories about their boyfriends and breakups. One common theme that I have picked up on when communicating with them is “what are you supposed to do if your ex boyfriend says he just wants to be friends?” Now, I will admit that if you find yourself in this position you are going to have some work to do and even if you do everything that I outline on this page you still may not be able to get your ex boyfriend back.

This is The Friend Zone Page..

My readers have dubbed this as the “friend zone page.” Since this page has garnered so much attention I thought I would come back and buff it up a little bit. So, this new version of the page is going to focus a lot about how YOU can get out of the friend zone if you have been placed there by an ex. Now, since you are on this page I am assuming that your ultimate goal is to get your ex boyfriend back.

There seems to be a common misunderstanding that getting out of the friend zone is essentially the same thing as getting a boyfriend back. Well, I hate to burst your bubble but it isn’t. Getting out of the friend zone doesn’t guarantee you success in getting him back. All it does is prove that you could POTENTIALLY be more than friends with him again. There are a lot of goals/steps that have to pass in order for you to be an official couple again and this page cannot help you with that. Remember, this article is only about how to get out of the friend zone.

If you are looking for something a little more in-depth that can give you the full steps to getting a boyfriend back then I would like to point you towards Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO, my ebook.

Check Out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.

A Sad Truth That You Need To Accept

friend zone

I am going to tell you something that almost everyone else out there is afraid to tell you. All I can do is raise your chances of getting your ex back. Ultimately, the decision on whether he should take you back or not is up to him, not me or you. Even if you do everything right he may still decide that it’s best to move on. The sad truth is that a part of the strategy outlined on this page is out of your hands.

Why am I telling you this?

Because I want you to prepare yourself mentally for the possibility that you may not get him back. I am going to be completely honest with you, women who tend to do better when it comes to getting out of the “friend zone” and into the dating zone are ones who have accepted this sad truth. The ones that I see fail time and time again are the ones that are overly emotional and can’t accept that life may have to go on without their ex significant other.

friend zoneThe Friend Zone

Ahh… the dreaded friend zone! It’s a place that we have all put someone in the past and a place that we never want to be. I will admit that my introduction to the friend zone came in my early high school years. However, I remember it like it was yesterday. There was a girl who I really liked a lot and thought she felt the same about me. I soon found out how wrong I was when I asked her out to a school dance and got the dreaded “Umm… we can go as friends right?”

Make no mistake about it, I know what it is like to have feelings for someone and not be able to do anything about it. The question I am going to ask is, “is it possible to get out of the dreaded friend zone?”

I personally believe that it is possible. However, you have to accept that a certain part of getting out is left up to chance.

Getting Out Of The Friend Zone

Since we are talking about ex boyfriends here you do have a certain advantage on your side. You see, in the example I gave above (where I asked the girl to the dance) I was at a disadvantage because the girl had no romantic feelings for me at all. Your case is a little different because your ex boyfriend has already demonstrated that he does have romantic feelings towards you. Now, he may have lost his feelings towards you which is why he broke up but don’t worry because I am going to give you the tools you need to reignite his feelings for you. First things first though.

Freezing Him Out

freezing

If this is going to work there are a certain amount of sacrifices that you are going to have to make. These sacrifices won’t be easy and even as I write these words I am sure that 90% of the people reading this page will fail to do them. Why? Because most people don’t have to discipline to do what I am about to suggest.

I am a big believer in the No Contact Rule. You know, that little rule that says you can’t talk to your ex in any way shape or form for 30 days? If you look through my site you will see that almost on every page I mention it’s significance. If that doesn’t tell you how important I think it is then perhaps a few website visitors can convince you.

The following quotation is a comment I received yesterday from a woman who has been actively freezing her ex boyfriend out using the no contact rule!

I originally left a post on the 8th….. And stopped contacting him unless it was about our daughter. It’s been three days, I’m telling you NC works. This morning at 7am I received a text from him that said “do not respond to this, but I miss you”. Holding strong, and I have been running and eating healthier. The next time he sees me I am going to look amazing. Hold on with the the NC ladies, it’s one of the hardest things, but after three days I already had him admitting that he misses me! …. Keeping busy!!

“Alright, alright Chris, we get it No contact = Good but you haven’t told us how it can help get us out of the friendzone?”

Usually when people get “frienzoned” they accept their fate and actually become friends with the person they are interested in. Now, what do friends do? Well, they talk, text message, facebook, etc. I am not saying this behavior is bad I am just saying that you can’t expect to get back on your ex boyfriends radar doing this.

Since we are focusing specifically on an ex boyfriend the dynamic is a little different. Most women who come to me seeking for help have done the following things immediately after their breakup:

  • They have blown up their exes cell phone with whiny text messages like “please, we are worth fighting for” or “I can change I promise.”
  • Their behavior has forced their ex to unfriend them on Facebook.
  • They have put their ex in an uncomfortable corner where he would no longer respond to their texts or calls.
  • Written letters declaring their undying love.
  • Oh, and my personal favorite, gone to their exes parents to ask for advice.

Trust me, this behavior is not attractive to men. In fact, we are hardwired to believe that it is expected from women after a breakup. I remember my last serious breakup the exact thoughts I had going through my head were “I wonder when she is going to call me?” Now, you may be thinking “wow that is great he wanted her to call.” I didn’t mean it like that. I meant it like this “I wonder when she is going to call me to start trying to get me back?” I must give my ex props for not being too desperate and clingy. However, three days later she texted and in my mind at that moment she lost her value to me.

You see, for three days I was on the edge of my seat waiting for the call or text, almost expecting it. It was exciting to be left in suspense like that but all the excitement left the moment my hypothesis was confirmed and she texted. Now, can you imagine how different that situation would have gone if she would have just waited a full 30 days before texting me? Let me give you a small sample of how I think I would have reacted.

Days 1-5: “When is she going to text me? I know she totally wants me back.”

Days 6-12: “Something is wrong, &*^% she is really over the breakup. I miss her AHHH..”

Days 12-20: Breaks down and texts ex…. no response… I get very very angry.

Days 20-30: “Well fine… I am sooo over her..” she finally texts “OMG OMG OMG She texted!

Notice how slowly but surely I went kind of crazy! Guys only go this crazy over girls they have feelings for. Of course, not all guys will react this way but don’t worry. I know exactly what to do in those cases as well.

Time To Take Matters Into Your Own Hands

matters into hands

The no contact rule alone probably will not be enough to get you out of the friend zone. For some women, you will find that a simple freeze out for a month will be enough. However, in my experience, more has to be done to reclaim your old relationship. This section is the “more” that has to be done.

Now, I am not going to lie to you. It is very easy to screw up this part. If you say one wrong thing or act just a tiny bit too desperate your chances of getting him back will be gone faster than you can say “goodbye.” No pressure right? Haha. Don’t worry though, I am going to do my best to lay out this method in the simplest manner possible so you can understand exactly what you need to do.

IMPORTANT- In order for the methods below to work to their fullest extent you must have implemented a 30 day no contact rule.

Catching His Eye

You are going to text your ex boyfriend.

“Whoa… Wait, Wait, Wait! What about calling, emailing or writing a letter?”

Good question! I actually wrote an entire article outlining the benefits of texting vs. calling, emailing and letters. Check it out on the following page. So, after you read that page and we are on the same page the question now becomes “what do you say to your ex after all this time in a text message?”

Well, I actually have two methods for a first contact text. One method will be for women whose ex boyfriends have contacted them during the no contact period and the other method is for women whose boyfriends didn’t.

First Contact Text For Women Whose Ex Boyfriends Contacted Them During NC

Alright, admittedly you already have a bit of an advantage over the other women (the ones whose bf’s did not contact them.) Your ex is clearly interested in you, probably a little worried and maybe a little angry that you haven’t been responding to him. Anyways, the point of all this is that it probably won’t take a lot to get your ex to respond to your first contact text. With that in mind, I definitely WOULD NOT recommend that you send him a simple one word text like:

“hey” or “hi”

In fact, I would even say variations like:

“hey, what’s up?” or “whats going on?”

Are a really bad idea. If you are going to send a text to your ex boyfriend (who told you he just wants to be friends) a simple “Hey, whats up?” isn’t going to do the trick. Your text needs to have substance and it needs to force him to reach back in his mind and think of something positive. Here are a few of my personal favorite examples:

text message

Or another one of my favorites:

text example 2

First Contact Text For Women Whose Ex Boyfriends Did Not Contact Them During NC

I know it feels hopeless. You read about the no contact rule and were sure it was going to work. You waited day after day secretly hoping that today was the day that he would finally reach out to see how you were doing… only he didn’t. What now? Should you give up and just accept that maybe you two weren’t meant to be together?

No, you aren’t going to give up until you try everything you can.

First things first, your main priority isn’t to start up a conversation with a friendly text (like the women did in the examples above.) Your main objective is to get him to respond to your text message and then engage him in a conversation. So, how do you get him to respond to a text message when deep down you have a feeling that he wants nothing to do with you.

You create a text message so enticing that it is impossible for him NOT to respond to it.

I will provide you with examples for my “enticing” text below but some of you may not like it because it will require a lot of planning and thought for what to say after the message to keep him hooked in. However, our main objective is just to get him to engage in a text messaging conversation with you because it is a sign that he is interested in what you have to say.

However, if you have a better idea for your “enticing” message then feel free to use it or you can ask me what I think about it in the comments section of this page. Lets take a look at the two examples that I have come up with.

text 3

or

text 4

The key to making these texts work is to have something interesting to say after the initial “confession.” What you need to say is completely up to you. However, the probability that you will get a response is very high so make sure you have something prepared.

Also, this is something that is a personal preference to me. I would actually wait one hour from the moment that he responds before you respond to his text messages. This way, he is sweating a little bit and can’t wait for your response. It will take amazing discipline but it might increase the chances of him engaging you in a conversation.

The Conversation

This section is extremely important because it is going to teach you how your conversations should go with your ex. I am going to give you a little insight to the male mind. The thing about men is that a certain part of their attraction towards women is very predictable. You see, we always want what we can’t have. You tell us that we can’t have that cookie on the plate… we want that cookie. You tell us that we can’t have that cute blonde in the corner… we want that cute blonde in the corner.

Here is the funny thing. Most men, once they set their mind to something they get a bit of tunnel vision. They focus on that one thing and block everything out. You want your ex to get his tunnel vision on YOU. The only question is how do you accomplish that?

Well, that is easy! You just become something that he can’t have by dominating every texting conversation you have with him. Now, when I say “dominate” I don’t mean to actually dominate him. For example, if you are a Republican and he is a Democrat do not dominate him in the conversation to the point where he changes party affiliations, that’s just scary.

No, I want you to dominate the conversation by ending it first. You always want to leave with him wanting a bit more. I would compare this to the show Game of Thrones. If you have ever seen GOT then you know how wildly addicting it is. However, if you really stop to think about it, while the writing is great and the plot twists come out of nowhere, it is really the shows ability to keep you coming back for more that makes it so interesting. Every single episode is left with an amazing cliffhanger that makes you go “WHYYYY… Why does it have to end?”

I want you to take this “cliffhanger” theory and apply it to your conversations with your ex boyfriend via text message. Make sure that you always leave him wanting more.

How do you do this? Well, there are really two ways to do this.

Method One: The Nice Way

The nice way to end a conversation with your ex is to start the conversation with him, hook him in the conversation.

The Hooking Point- The part of the conversation where your ex is extremely engaged. Think of it like the climax of the story, except it is the climax of the conversation.

Anyways, once you have him hooked you simply bow out of the conversation with this simple text:

text 5

Method Two: Evil Genius Way

I really can’t take credit for this method. I have to thank almost every single girl that I have really liked and not gotten. I have found that this method works on me (so by default it should work on your ex boyfriends and help you get out of the friend zone.)

This method is a lot like the one described above. You get engaged in a conversation with your ex, you get to the hooking point of the conversation and then you end the conversation abruptly making him want more. Here is the only difference.

Instead of ending the conversation with a simple “I g2g” like I explained in the example above, you end the conversation by not responding at all.

This will accomplish two big things. For one, he is going to be checking his phone multiple times, which will reinforce to him that you are important. Secondly, technically you never ended the conversation so you can always start back up whenever you want and it won’t be weird!

 

Sarah and Kai

The Sarah Vs. Kai Case Study

Put your email in the box on the right to follow along as I show two women exactly what they need to do to get their ex boyfriends back.Right Arrow

631 Responses to What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Just Wants To Be Friends
  1. Maria
    April 23, 2014 | 8:05 am

    Hey,

    My boyfriend broke up with me after 22 months of being together 18 days ago. Our relationship went long distance 9 months ago. We had been fighting a lot for the past 8 months. He says we are incompatible and is tired of the fights. He says we might happen again if we both change and if we are in the same city, but right now it just won’t happen.

    In the initial days,I called and tried reasoning things out, I shouted and I screamed too. And he kept saying it wasnt meant to be. Not now at least. He says he wants to be friends with me and doesn’t want to lose me since I’m a great person and I’m amazing, blah blah.
    I tried the no contact rule for 3 days. He texted me all three days but when the 3rd day came, he ggot really angry saying things that if I’m avoiding him, I should tell him and not leave him hanging. It was rude of me and other such things. So I relented and we have been sending across 2-3 texts every second day. Its been cordial and it seems very formal. Though he drops in kiss smileys in the conversation sometimes.
    If I dont reply to his msgs soon, or withina day , he gets worried and starts asking me if I’m avoiding him.

    His behaviour is confusing and I have no idea what to do from now.

    He is absolutely clear that he wants to be just friends. Bug I still love him and have feelings for him and I want him back. I’m not sure what the best approach is from here.

    What do you suggest will help me the most?

  2. Christine
    April 22, 2014 | 10:16 am

    Chris,

    This past weekend, my boyfriend told me after 9 months that he was not connected to me emotionally in the same way he used to be. This all came out while he was sleeping over at my house. The next morning, as I was crying and desperately trying to understand why, we went about our normal routine, and HE started crying. He emphasized that he wanted to remain my friend, and that he did not want it to be the last time he slept over/last time he showered with me/etc. He tried to stress we could still do all of these things as friends.

    I told him that I would try. Even though I am devastated that I lost the man that I truly believe was meant for me. I want to remain his friend out of the glimmer of hope that I might be able to get back with him. So the past few days, we have been texting the same amount that we normally do. I have occasionally tried to bring into conversation questions about why we could not be together to no avail. I do not think I can keep talking to him without it hurting, and I really think I need him back.

    I am thinking about starting the no contact method tonight. Telling him that I can not keep texting him as much as we used to because it feels like nothing has changed. I want to mention that we can be on and off texters though if he wants to talk to see if he will message me back during the NC period.

    Also, he is 18 and I am 22. He’s finishing high school and about to move into college. He mentioned that was a minor reason why he felt we needed to break up.

    • admin
      April 22, 2014 | 5:00 pm

      Do you think the age difference is causing issues?

      • Christine
        April 23, 2014 | 3:25 am

        I don’t think so? We were together for 9 months without any issues. I am just worried whether it will be a lost cause to try and get him back because of his age. We truly shared something special but what if he wants to explore life? He is just starting college after all.

  3. Rain
    April 13, 2014 | 10:29 am

    i and my boyfriend break last year. Chris, can i know why my exbf dont want me to know that once he is in relationship last week and he block me in whatsapps so that to hide he that has girl friend?? ( he put a profile pic with other girl in whatsap)

  4. Maricel
    April 12, 2014 | 8:45 pm

    I need your advice.
    I broke up with my ex a month ago because he works so much and didn’t make any effort to see me,we talked last Sunday and I didn’t hear from him until Thursday he sent me this email.
    What do you think he wasn’t,should I reply or should I move on?
    This is his email.

    Don’t think for a second that I forgot your birthday or that you don’t cross my mind countless times a day because I didn’t and you do. I realized on Sunday after we talked that I’m not the person you want right now and I know you have your doubts too because you said as much. I just want you to know that I got that job and I hope that will help me get my head straight. This year burned me up and I had no energy left over for any kind of life or to give you what you deserve.

    You need to know that I do love you very much and you’re one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met. I couldn’t say anything bad about you if I tried and I truly believe you deserve all the happiness in the world I just don’t know if I can give that to you until I get right. I still have hope that this change is all I need and that maybe some day we’ll cross paths again and you can see me for who I really am. I don’t want to say goodbye, but all I can do at this point is leave that up to you. Even to just be friends with you right now would be enough for me.

    Anyway, I love you Maricel and I hope you can forgive me and have best 30th birthday ever.

    • admin
      April 13, 2014 | 4:38 pm

      I say you reply! This is pretty good in my opinion.

      • Maricel
        April 13, 2014 | 8:38 pm

        Yes but we talked last Sunday and I told him my feelings for him,so he knows..I just think he’s playing mind games with me,what should I say if he’s telling me he doesn’t want to say good bye but it’s up to me.Help please I love him but he needs to get his life back together and I don’t want to go back and forth.
        Thanks you are awesome!!!!

        • Maricel
          April 13, 2014 | 8:40 pm

          Also I don’t want to be his friend,I don’t believe it will work like that because I love him.
          What should I say in my reply?

  5. Shannel
    April 11, 2014 | 10:00 pm

    Hey Chris,
    I have been single pretty much my whole life up until I finally gave one guy a chance that showed true potential that he wanted a serious relationship. As soon as we got together we went extremely fast into the relationship we just fell for eachother and went from friends, to dating, to the relationship within 2 months. Our relationship was great! up until we wanted to move even more serious and wanted move out together and our parents were both against us and became to resent one another he wasn’t aloud over and I wasn’t aloud over, we were able to ever see each other unless we snuck around, my parents completely hated him, but we weren’t in a position like we though we were to move out then our relationship got very difficult and stressful and we didn’t know how to take it. EVERYONE was trying to break us up for no reason I was the only one keeping him going to school and doing the right things but everyone else took it as I was controlling him…then eventually I started to become very mean and bash him about what he was doing with his life because its not where I wanted to be I want us to be able to have steady jobs and join the military but he doesn’t want to but yet he wanted a family with me…so I kept pushing and eventually he got overwhelmed and could take all the pressure anymore. but I know for a fact we were deeply in love to the point of blind but we are just too young to be trying to do all these things and now I realized that but I feel like its too late. I love him unconditionally no question about it. but then about 2 weeks ago he broke up with me… over a text message and without any closure really he just said he couldn’t handle the stress and everyone putting him, me, and our relationship down. then I did what every other woman does and started texting calling, showing up at his house to work things out. but we just never talked about it. then a week later I opened up apologizing for everything I did wrong and saying im changing and trying to do better and asked for a friendship. He accepted the friendship but I still get no attempt or contact from him. Now I am officially trying the NC rule and trying to see how it goes. But my questions for you is: Did he really love me? Did I lose my V-card to a player(which is the last thing I wanted) How do I know if he cares? Does he miss me? Is there a chance to get him back?

    • admin
      April 12, 2014 | 4:18 pm

      I am sure in the moment he did.

      May I ask both of your ages?

      If he was younger he may have just not been able to handle the emotions properly yet.

      • sh
        April 19, 2014 | 7:02 pm

        I’m 18 and he’s 19 but I have the mindset of a 24 yr. Old… how would I know if he’s ready and willing for the emotions and relationship? Because he began avoiding me after saying we would finally meet up and talk, then make a last minute excuse not to. What I don’t understand is that he gave his other ex’s a 2nd chance and they’ve done everything possible to hurt him? cheat on him and treat him poorly, but I cooked, cleaned, served him, massaged and took very good care of him everyday that i could and i don’t even get a face to face explanation?

  6. Nana
    April 11, 2014 | 1:57 am

    My bf broke up with me 2 months ago. I texted him 3 weeks after the break up, he said he wanted to meet a couple of days after that.
    We have been hanging out for about 6-7 hours every week day. He is the one who asks me out every day. We make out a lot and sometimes have sex, but we don’t call ourselves friends with benefits and when I told him he is just using me for sex, he stopped all the sexual stuff altogether but continued to see each other.
    Will the NC rule work or do I need another approach? (I can’t open the subject of getting back together because he will withdraw into his shell again, even tho’ once he joked about getting back together)

  7. Deanna
    April 2, 2014 | 10:03 pm

    I just have a wtf question. I just met this guy. For about three weeks he came on really strong. Finally gave him a date. We Made out. Istopped us from going too far. We agreed that went too fast but we would set up boundaries. Now a few days later I get the, I’m not ready for a relationship text. I want to be friends though. …. … Really???

    What was that?
    I don’t know if I want him really… I’m Judy trying to figure out where I went wrong. I mean… I was the reason we stopped. Ugh. Men.

    • admin
      April 4, 2014 | 4:32 pm

      Do you think he was just trying to use you? I mean, if you wanted to slow down and he didn’t like that and is punishing up then that would be indicitave of him trying to use you.

  8. Stacey Jane
    April 2, 2014 | 1:03 pm

    usually men say “let’s be friends” to soften the blow. They don’t mean it at all. In my case he says he has no feelings for me any more and we will not be a couple but he seems extremely eager to keep me in his life as friends. He actually called and pleaded with me numerous times as in a break up. He called me all the time to tell me this. I don’t get it. Why would he chase to reject me if he doesn’t love me? I have frozen him out for the past 3 days and he texted twice after a day of silence. When I emerge and begin speaking with him (if I am not over him by that time)he is bound to ask me again if a “friendship” between us is possible but if I say ok does he not then get what he wants? Me back in his life without him committing. He always had a thing with labels, it is what broke us up. Is there any hope? For the most part of 2 years we were very happy together. Thanks so much for the blog and the information

  9. louise
    April 2, 2014 | 12:18 am

    me and my ex was together for the best of 5 years, everything use to be great for the first 2 years untill i found out he lied to me a few times over another girl, as he was inlove with his friend still while dating me at the start, then we got pass that and we was both madly inlove and planned a future together but after awhile his friends who were girls online started causing problems which lead to us breaking up serval times over the years where he kept breaking up because i could not trust him or anything, then in the end we broke up for 10months last year and dated other people, but then he came back to me again and we was dating since then, i made a few mistakes which caused us to break up 3 times this year because i was still holding the past and was worried alot if he love me and so on. after i realised that he came back 2 days later and we started dating again and i started trusting him. then all of a sudden after few weeks together working out, he just breakups out of the blue and he said its because i kept asking alot of stupid question about if he love and want me then he starts saying he ” was thinking about it for a few weeks and that all of a sudden he says he loves me but not inlove” but i believe that can change after awhile. then he starts saying ” i am done i cant be with you no more,i have love feelings for you but i cant be with you. then says i dont see myself living with you or spending life with you, then he says we can be friends but nothing more, but also said if he starts getting feelings back i can have him back but he doubts very much he will and that i should not wait for him and that he is not going to wait for me and also said that he never wanted to break up, so when i ask why allow he says he didnt want it before but now he does. but i have heard this all before every time we broke up and he came back, but this time he consistence that he wont.he has said though ‘ even if this is a mistake he is doing and does regrets breaking up and wants me back, he still wont come back” so i dont know what to do, we have been threw alot and pregnancy problems. i want him back and prove to him we can work because wen were together its great. but i still believe the girls from his pass have made him into this. he is very stubborn and wont admite he wrong. what advice would you give?

  10. Soof
    April 1, 2014 | 1:38 pm

    Will NC work if you tried to be his friend? While he gives mixed signals but still doesnt want to commit.

    14 days NC after telling him goodbye! Was saying goodbye a good idea?

    • admin
      April 1, 2014 | 5:16 pm

      It won’t be as effective.

      • Soof
        April 2, 2014 | 11:20 am

        :(

        But I tried to say goodbye before several times and everytime i contacted him again. So he is expecting me to contact him..

        So he probably won’t contact me but will NC maybe give me another change to see him openminded?

  11. annie
    March 31, 2014 | 2:01 pm

    Ok so me and my boyfriend… it’s been 3 yrs… we fought… got back together… the whole mess… well just recent… I logged into his facebook n saw he was messaging some ex girl in another country nasty stuff and having a really long conversation w/her but he barely talks with me… we have great sex… and I did the NC rule for two months… he called a few times and a couple of txts for the day b4 my bday n the day on my bday… This just happened… January 5th I stopped talking to him and didn’t say a word till March 1st… but then I picked him up he cried and said he missed me so much and he loved me (he was drunk though), we had sex… I cried… IDK if I was just very emotional and heart broken b/c I missed him like crazy… He took my virginity at an older age of 27… he lied about his age when we met… he was 37… so now I’m 30 and hes 40… anyways… we got back together… March 1st… but… he is still the same… same bull shit… same distance… same cold shoulder like he doesn’t want me to know at all he cares about me… but when hes drunk he cries like a baby… my friends say im too nice to him and to available… but you would think that after 2 months of NC he would have gotten it together but he didn’t… he’s not mean to me… he doesn’t call me names… but he is not very emotional at all… he told me he wants to get married but not right now… he asked me to move in w/him and I said I wanted to be married and he said he does too but not right now… and 2 yrs ago when he was like marry me, marry me I said I wasn’t ready and now that he knows I am ready and I’ve made it clear I am ready now hes totally not wanting to do it… IDK what to do?? am I barking up the wrong tree here??? Also he has a baby mama… an ex wife (who passed away) and two kids…

  12. Kim
    March 28, 2014 | 12:15 pm

    Hi, my boyfriend for 4 months broke up with me and told me he doesnt love me anymore. We had a great start, went to a trip and treated me like a princess. but because i got 2 jobs later on we didnt had time to spend together. He was mad and said that i should leave him alone..

    After that i acted cool and he even asked to drive me home. In the end it seemed like it was a mutual break up . He said we could be friends and were talking and even laughing while on the way home.. we texted one last more that day.

    I started the NC and kind of moved on and really surprised me that he texted me after almost just 2 weeks.. I was so overwhelmed because i know that he has a very high ego so i texted back!!! :/ he was asking how i was and what i have been up to.. He replys really slow that it took days so i felt like it was just a pity text . So i asked if he had free time to give me back my stuff (phone charger etc) as an excuse to see him and for him to see that ive changed but he said he cant and hes really busy all week because of work.

    . I was worried that NC wouldnt work if its not 30 days so i texted him asking why he had to contact me?, i told him that i was doing very good not thinking about him but he texted and i felt lost again, he said that he thought we were okay and thought it was long enough for me. I said yes were friends and okay but he doest really need me in his life and he could just go on without me in it. And said that I dont mind being friends really but just needs more time. He didnt reply

    Now im starting NC again! Did i ruin the chance? Is it still possible to get hime back? Im worried because weve only been togetherfor 4 months .

  13. Rachel
    March 27, 2014 | 11:22 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I was in a relationship for almost a year. We were discussing moving in together and it didn’t go well. He talked circles around it. He could of just said no I’m not ready but we broke up. Breakup was awful. He used “cared” in the past tense, and didn’t help me w a car issue (this is also his profession…and also how we met) after the breakup. I was a little needy during the breakup but not too bad. It seemed he intended to not talk ever again. But, went through the 30 days NC, and then I called and asked him to look for a item. He texted back…and we text discussed very briefly over a couple of days about possibly when and what to exchange. I said I would call one night to coordinate…and he didn’t pick up. Shocker. The next day he said his phone was on silent. I got mad and said I didn’t believe him and he said it didn’t matter. I said it actually did…I was nice and accommodating and he couldn’t show me any respect. He said he could and wasn’t avoiding me. I recovered quickly and said I had a busy week and apologized. I saw him to pick up an item- I looked great and made a minute or two of small talk and left. This was the day before my bday. He said nothing and texted nothing. Four days later, I sent a good memories text. No response. 3 days later he texted me about a 1 say sale on sunglasses we both liked. He texted again 20 min later to say it was not legit. The next day, I texted very nonchalantly, too bad. He texted 5 min later that he kind of got scammed. I said in a friendly way, oh well…have to get to my meeting. Bye! :) I don’t know if I maybe shouldn’t have answered since he ignored my text. I feel…as though I’m not quite in control of this. I love and want him back, or at least the choice to take him back if we can truly start again and try not to make same mistakes. How should I proceed? I’m not getting it quite right…I do have emotions about all this. Why did he even text me about the sale? Does he just want to be friends? He still has two items of mine.

    • admin
      March 28, 2014 | 4:34 pm

      He got afraid of the commitment in other words?

      • Rachel
        March 28, 2014 | 7:32 pm

        His last relationship ended after living together 1 month. And he lost his whole life- had to move back with parents a few months. But, all of it came about after he told me that I didn’t live there and it wasn’t my responsibility after helping his paint his apt all day. I was hurt. So, a convo ensued and he said he would recommit to me, and when I asked how, he says we could talk about it. Over the next few weeks, we had a few convos, sweetly initiated by me. He talked circles. I finally got frustrated and said I’m not happy where our relationship is right now. Tell me anything, I need a baseline how you feel. He walked out, and later said that we “didn’t have he chemistry to communicate. We don’t have the conversations I wanted.” I never got an answer to living together. Don’t know if it was commitment, he was leading me on, etc. I was shocked. I finally got that one text in previous post…how do I proceed?

        • Rachel
          March 31, 2014 | 12:12 pm

          We’ll 3 days later I texted “so you were right I like the walking dead! Just finished first season but watching anyway” during the first commercial break of the walking dead finale. He loves the walking dead and I was hoping to catch him when he was excited. The phone is always by his side. No response. How long do I go into NC for?

          • admin
            March 31, 2014 | 4:38 pm

            Did you see the season 4 finale last night?

            30 days is the general NC rule.

            • Rachel
              March 31, 2014 | 6:45 pm

              Yep! Just getting into the show! So, another 30 days…again? 30 days round 2. I thought maybe it would be shortened since we did that already and were texting…but not talking. And in the next NC don’t talk to him even if he tries to give me back my stuff?

  14. heather
    March 27, 2014 | 10:42 pm

    I fell in love with my male best friend. We were together for more than 2 yrs as boyfriend and girlfriend. We got along great as bffs but not as boyfriend and girlfriend. I had a life altering event in that caused me to put my life into perspective and I decided to break up with him because im not sure he felt the same way i did. He told me he did but the actions didnt match. It has been a year after the breakup, but i have tried to remain friends with him, but it has been difficult because i still love him like a boyfriend. I would attempt nc but I would do it for a week or so and he would text me and I would answer back. I read how to get over your ex and still be friends. I read 90 day nc. But not sure this pertains to my situation since we have been broken up for a year but still friends on and off. My goal is to get over him as my boyfriend and just be friends. I started nc and its been 11 days. He emailed me on day 10 telling me he isnt happy not talking with me and that im his bff. Should I be still doing no contact when alls i want to be is friends? I feel already that after 30 days he will be really angry at me. If so what do i do after 30 days no contact the same things as getting your ex boyfriend back?

  15. kelly
    March 27, 2014 | 10:18 pm

    Right were do I start,
    Well I met my ex threw my bestfriend because he lives in her house and I stay there ever 2weeks for a week or so, now me and my ex had a relationship with eachother when we were kids and then when I found out he was living with my bestfriend I thought Oh this must be faith,, so anyways when ever I came up I started to flirt and get him to want me and succeeded he broke up with his girlfriend and then got in a relationship with me,
    Now the relationship was great brilliant at that, but then later down the line he seemed to change and not been interested so that caused a few fights so I called it quits and dumped him,
    We did the no contact rule for nearly 2months, it was extra hard seen as I was staying in the same house as him but we did not say one word to eachother, so we started back talking when he wished me goodluck on a interview I had and we have been talking ever since, now we haven’t been texting eachother only face to face,
    So now we are back talking and all it’s great, Oh he didn’t ring me once asking me was I pregnant but that was a whole different story, my mates was taking the piss out of him,
    Anyways so I asked my best mate to ask him has he got any feelings for me secretly, and she did and he said “yeah she is a legend, but I only like her as a friend ‘ my heart sunk when I heard that,

    Is there any hope for me and him to work??

  16. Tia
    March 25, 2014 | 6:05 pm

    Hello, Right i need help urgently! Me and my boyfriend were together for around 4-5 months. Everything was so perfect within the relationship and he told everyone including myself, my family and his family and friends that he was besotted with me and that he couldn’t imagine being without me. I have had a lot of bad experiences in the past with men and i ended it with him 4 times in the heat of the moment. Normally he would reassure me and try to win me back, this time he has completely turned cold towards me and has ignored me completely even though i can see he is online? He said he doesn’t care anymore and that i am to move on and he will do the same. I keep making the massive mistake of messaging him and telling him i miss him and that i’m sorry and how i just want him back. When i manage to go a week without contacting him which is proving extremely difficult to do, he randomly messages me! He get’s me to come over to his and he acts all loving and we normally end up sleeping together! He is so gently and loving and there is definetely a strong connection between the both of us. It feel so amazing and special everytime we sleep together.He tells me that i am the sexiest woman he knows and he always tells me i’m beautiful etc. The next day, he ignores me and i’m left feeling heartbroken! I send messages accusing him of being with someone else and using me and again he is horrible to me and tells me it’s over and to move on. The thought of him not wanting me back is breaking my heart. I have never regretted anything as much as i regret ending this relationship. I’m terrified of him moving on and finding someone else and i am finding it impossible to not contact him as i’m desperate to get him back! I don’t want to be his booty call anymore, i want my relationship with him back and i want him to miss me and fall back in love with me! Please can someone help me out here? Is it too late? Am i just a booty call? I love him so so much :(

    • admin
      March 26, 2014 | 5:07 pm

      Have you read my guide on exes using women?

      • Tia
        March 26, 2014 | 6:32 pm

        No i can’t save i have… where will i find that?

  17. kelly
    March 24, 2014 | 2:10 pm

    Right were do I start,
    Well I met my ex threw my bestfriend because he lives in her house and I stay there ever 2weeks for a week or so, now me and my ex had a relationship with eachother when we were kids and then when I found out he was living with my bestfriend I thought Oh this must be faith,, so anyways when ever I came up I started to flirt and get him to want me and succeeded he broke up with his girlfriend and then got in a relationship with me,
    Now the relationship was great brilliant at that, but then later down the line he seemed to change and not been interested so that caused a few fights so I called it quits and dumped him,
    We did the no contact rule for nearly 2months, it was extra hard seen as I was staying in the same house as him but we did not say one word to eachother, so we started back talking when he wished me goodluck on a interview I had and we have been talking ever since, now we haven’t been texting eachother only face to face,
    So now we are back talking and all it’s great, Oh he didn’t ring me once asking me was I pregnant but that was a whole different story, my mates was taking the piss out of him,
    Anyways so I asked my best mate to ask him has he got any feelings for me secretly, and she did and he said “yeah she is a legend, but I only like her as a friend ‘ my heart sunk when I heard that,

    Is there any hope for me and him to work??

  18. Brittany
    March 24, 2014 | 12:39 am

    So I first did the month of no contact, and got on good terms with my ex. Things were going good, but he has said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now, although he still calls on me to help him with things, and other relationship type stuff (from time to time he still calls me baby and such). He has also said that all he can offer right now is friendship but that attraction is there, he just really doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone right now.

    Would going back into no contact, again, work?

    • admin
      March 24, 2014 | 5:58 pm

      It can work but it will be less effective this time around.

      • Brittany
        March 26, 2014 | 7:35 am

        So what would you’re suggestion be?

  19. vicky
    March 23, 2014 | 11:14 am

    So:

    For 1,5-2 months i could feel my bf being distant, this got me anxious and more demanding, the distance grew bigger,he tried not to feel it but in the end he told me he wants to break up.I took it very easy,smiling and cool and told him i was thinking about our problems too and that my solution to them was to change the form of the relationship. I proposed to change the story we play into. Like be more cool, see each other less and start again from having just fun and not having great expectations. He wasn’t that much into it but agreed. So after 2 days i went to his house and just told him that actually i’m not that into my plan, and that i don’t want to do this now, i prefer to break up. (We talked very cool, not akward at all)

    After that, the same day i asked him on skype about my boots that his mother has to fix for me, we talked a bit and I ended the conversation by just leaving. The next week he tryed to connect with me on fb, but i hardly responded. I was either too concise or was just leaving by ‘g2g’ or even without saying sth.

    So. 2 days ago i wanted to go out with our friends, i knew he would go out with them too, so i decided not to go in order not to feel uncomfortable (our friends told him about this and he said he was thinking about it too, and if he knew i want to go out with them, he wouldn’t in order not to make me and himself feel uncomfortable).
    Yesterday in the afternoon i went to his house to hang out with his roommate (i knew he wouldn’t be there) but later he came, he said hi, we had some kind of very awkward small talk, he went in his room and when he saw i would leave he asked to have a cigarette with me. I said ok, and we had the most awkward talk ever. We just ”shared our news” but we both felt and talked so awkward. Anyway, so after that i left, and first thing in the morning he sent me sth on fb. I didn’t even open it and logged out from the fb chat.

    OK. WTF am i supposed to do now? Here is where i need your help :)

  20. heather
    March 20, 2014 | 2:30 am

    During no contact can you play online games like scrabble, words with friends and one on one games like that with the ex?

    • admin
      March 20, 2014 | 5:46 pm

      Nope can’t play it with your ex but your friends are fine.

  21. Liz
    March 19, 2014 | 9:41 am

    I’ll sum this up as best as possible.

    My ex broke up with me 6 months ago and has now been dating a girl for about 5 months now. At first he continued to talk to me daily, but as time passed he began distancing himself only talking to me every 4 days or so As of lately he says he only wants to be my friend, and refuses to call or text me because he does not want his new girl friend to see him talking to me. He says we can only talk through face book messaging. I do my best not to talk to him and when I refrain from talking to him he messages me via Facebook saying things like ” haven’t talked
    To you in a while” or just casually says what he’s doing and asks what I am up to. If he has a girlfriend, says he only wants to be my friend , and says that he still cares about me and can possibly see a future with us but as of right now is dating someone else and is taking her seriously, what does all of that really mean? What steps can I take to take control?

  22. dragongirl
    March 15, 2014 | 5:56 pm

    hey. i had broken up with my bf 5 months before..we stayed at nc for 4 months and we are talking for a month now..i dont know y he broke up exactly. we were very much in love but for the last few months he said he dint feel for me the same way, and that he talked to other girls and sometimes his ex, although he doesnt love her, so he dint want to continue as he couldnot give his 100% and dint want to be fake with me. after we became friends he said he he couldnt tske it if we lost our friendship . he doesnot admit any feelings for me now.he texts me daily only during exams he doesnot..he said we are better off as friends. also he sex texts me and stuff. dont really understand this situation,he says he doesnt want a relationship now(when i asked y dint he hook up with another girl). i know i love him, there is nobody i can think of being with after him. please help.

    • admin
      March 18, 2014 | 4:47 pm

      Are you doing anything to rebuild attraction? What are your text messages like?

  23. Helena
    March 1, 2014 | 3:17 pm

    I have been dating a guy who I used to work with. We liked each other then,but I was married. I moved away,came back and we met up,his girlfriend that cheated on him all of the time and gave him three STD’s had died while I was gone. Anyway,he chased me and absolutely smothered me in the beginning. He blew up my phone,called me 32 times in a row at times when I didn’t answer cause he was being crazy. He wanted to get me a ring and get married etc. But then as time went by,his drinking and moodiness caused misunderstandings and fights,but we got along for the most part. All of his relationships in the past had been chaotic,and even people that knew him would tell me about the fights,but we never fought like that with all of the drama. It is also a good thing to know that he is the first guy I have been faithful to and I am the first gal he has been faithful to. We did “our things”, like hiking,camping at our Mississippi River valley get away,I got him interesting in fishing,we lifted weights together,riding bikes(he loves bikes),going for long drives,etc. We did things that he never did with his ex’s and we both love the same music and have the same interests. He’s very moody and complex and emotional. He is a Pisces if that gives you an idea. Lol Anyway,as time went by,I still refused to move in with him because he would relapse every so often and he gets mean. I retaliated by bashing him verbally because he had hurt me. I know you said logic runs low when emotion runs high and that is true. Over the years I have grown to love him. He did everything for me and to please me but the only thing I complained about was how he gets when he drinks. Over time and since he has this new third shift swing shift job he has become more distant. He will also be forty March 20th. I wanted as much sex as we used to have and do things and have fun. I look at the glass as half full,he sees it half empty. He’s grown rather sluggish,gained some stomachs weight and yes,he’s going a bit bald on top,but I don’t care. But…he said some things that hit home about three or four months ago and we were spending less time together and I was horny. So,I met a younger guy on Adult Friend Finder only with the purpose of having him mastebate for me while I watched and that is all. But he wanted something to look at and for me to text dirty. I made up a fantasy but it doomed turned into a conversation about how frustrated I was that my older boyfriend didn’t seem interested in me anymore and that I was lucky to get sex four or six times a month. Well,my ex and I had trouble communicating,but just as things were getting better and he began opening up to me again,and I’ve always trusted him,and we began to understand each other more,he snooped through my phone while I was in the shower and found the texts and the pic of my,well,you know,and he was hurt. I had forgotten about it because it didn’t do anything for me cause the whole time,my ex was on my mind,I felt guilty,but at the same time I said,hey,I’m in love for the first time in my life! This is wrong. The guy tried to call,I ignored the call,deleted my AFF account,changed my number and forgot about it,but forgot to delete the text. I have always been honest with him and told him everything. He’s always had trust issues because of his past relationships and I told him that not fair to me. Well,he broke up with me six weeks ago tomorrow and said he wants to be friends,that he misses me and stil cares about me. He won’t throw away our pictures,or the things I made him and bought him and he does not want me to throw my things away. Every time I tell him I don’t want to talk to him or see him again and he texts me or calls right away. How in the hell can he just sit in his apartment all of the time because he only had two friends,and not need me?! He just works,sleeps,watches tv,goes to the store,or visits his mom and two friends every now and then. We were each others lives for for years and we were comfortable that way. I was never controlling,smothering or needy,but he was,bad. Until recently. He accused me that I was and that’s insane. I think he’s crazy lol. He also said I bitch and nag but he is the one who does. He resents me because I didn’t want to live with him because he drinks,I need my space,and he’s lived with three women in the past and none of them went well. He turned the tables and said that if we lived together that I would be like them and call the police,lock him out,and ruin his belongings. I would never do that. I’m not like other girls. We talk everyday and text,but I have to initiate the contact and his text are short,and he don’t always answer calls or texts unless I tell him I don’t want to be friends or contact him anymore,then he texts. I’m do confused. He says he doesn’t want to give me mixed messages but he does. He still talks to me like when we were together,unless he is in one of his moods and our conversations are becoming more frequent. I did everything that you advised not to do because I had not discovered this site yet. His friends like me,except one,but he’s jealous of us,he even said so,and his family likes me,his aunt said I’m beautiful and that I’m a keeper cause his last girlfriend was very ugly and cheated on him a lot. He says that he doesn’t think he can forgive me but he forgave all of the chicks that really did cheat on him. He said that he probably would have let this slide if it wasn’t for the Facebook bashing. I told him that I didn’t love him then and that that was three years ago and to get over it. I have forgiven him so many times for his drunken episodes and moody behavior,and I do one thing and he dumps me. Wtf? I have hope. He’s so complex that even you might not be able to decipher his mind. He told me that he wasn’t punishing me when I asked and said that he had had enough,whatever that means and I was crying he laughed at me and mocked me and said,”You hurt me,I’m going to hurt you”. If anyone has had enough,it should be me. I always comforted him when he cried and was and still am there for him. He contradicts himself so much,my mind spins. Then he told me that he was happy for the most part and then told my brother that if we got back together that he is afraid that things will be the same,whatever that means. How can it be if we understand each other better and communicate better? Good grief. Give me advice.

    • Helena
      March 1, 2014 | 3:33 pm

      Oh yeah,a few more things,he has only seen me in person one time in six weeks only because I waited for him to get home so that I could get my stuff. I asked him why he won’t see me but he will talk to me and he said that he’s not too happy with me at the time. He gets paranoid and says that I talk like we are getting back together. His moods go up and down. He’s always on the offense and says that if we were to hang out that I would think that we were going to get back together. He says that it’s going to take a long time to get over me and hopefully the next guy treats me better but I don’t know why he keeps me hanging on. I told him to forget about me,get rid of out album etc. and move on. He said why would I do that? I want to remember as he flipped through the pages of our album and the roses I got him are still on his table and he has out picture on his shelf and the plate I made him on his table. I just don’t understand. What should I do after I start going to the gym again and do not contact him for the thirty days? How much time will it take him to heal and let the wall down. He can’t just love me the last day we spent together when he found the texts,but yet he can handle not seeing me face to face and the sex was amazing! I don’t understand.

    • admin
      March 2, 2014 | 7:08 pm

      Wait hold on…

      He has 3 STD’s???

      • Helena
        March 2, 2014 | 10:46 pm

        No,no,no. Lol His last girlfriend had cheated on him and have him three STD’s and also got pregnant with another dudes baby,and blamed it on him. She ended up getting a tubal pregnancy from this from the scarring in her tubes.

        • admin
          March 3, 2014 | 6:22 pm

          Ok, but he has three STD’s… so, why would you want to date someone with 3 STD’s?

  24. Jewell
    February 28, 2014 | 4:27 pm

    Hey Chris,

    I hope you´re doing well. And I sure do hope I get a reply.
    I´ve been friends with my ex for about 3 months now. We broke up in October after a relationship of 5 years. He says I´m his best friend and that he´ll always be there for me and all that kind of stuff. We talk daily and he calls me often.
    I want him back, but I think it´s really strange if I ignore him for the NC.
    We see each other quite often as well, because of mutual friends. I´m sure he´ll talk to me then.

    The thing that worries me most is that he basically tells everyone that he´s over me and our relationship and how happy he is that we remained such good friends.
    Please give me some good advice… I do not know what to do now…

    Greetings,

    Jewell

    • Judy
      March 5, 2014 | 3:09 pm

      mmmm…try to distance yourself from him as much as possible, care less,I’m pretty sure that you are still treating him the same way you used to when you were in a relationship, and I bet you don’t treat your “best friends” like that, so just keep a distance, and talk less.

  25. K
    February 27, 2014 | 10:10 pm

    My ex of 10 yrs has been dating a girl for 10 months now. Do i stand any chance of getting him back?! He is my heart.

    • admin
      February 28, 2014 | 10:40 pm

      I think he is pretty serious about the girl if he has been dating her for 10 years.

  26. K
    February 27, 2014 | 8:03 pm

    Hi I’ve been doing nc for 5 days as he said he did want to be friends and we have been talking. I’ve been implementing some text techniques from another program that were getting positive responses and he even suggested a meet up but on Sunday he texted me and I didn’t reply I went straight into nc. But I’m worried that he will forget about me as he said he wanted to be friends so what happens if by the end of nc he’s moved on and forgotten about me and has been pleased I didn’t contact him?

  27. Riley
    February 27, 2014 | 5:04 am

    My ex and I dated for a year. We broke up this past Saturday due to fighting a lot. I kind of pressured him to make the decision when he had mentioned just taking a break and having some space I said I wanted an answer. He also had said he doesn’t see a future with me. Of course I begged and pleaded with him to change his mind and he said he wasn’t sure if things could be fixed and sometimes it’s too little too late. He can’t promise he can give me another chance? So I’m all over here like wtf. Since then he has been contacting me every single day asking how my day is and what I’m up to..making small talk with me. We even hung out just on Monday (my idea) and we cuddled on his couch bc I said I was cold? Tuesday he asked if I needed anything from the pharmacy (I have a cold) and he showed up with cough drops for me? 3 bags of them so I’d have 1 for home 1 for work and 1 for my classes at college? This doesn’t seen like typical friend behavior to me and I also made it clear I did not just want to be friends I wanna try to work things out. Is this his way of testing it to see if things can work out between us? Is he feeling guilty about the break up and just wants to be friends? What is going on here. There is no way I can just be friends with him. Like I said we both have made equal attempts to contact each other every day since the break up. Is it too late to go no contact? Would it even make a difference at this point or would it ruin my chances of getting him back if he is truly seeing how we get along before he slowly eases back into things? He always said he was a slow mover. Please help.

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