What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Just Wants To Be Friends

 Ex-Boyfriend-Recovery-PRO

Four words, four little words can be the difference between having a relationship or being in the friend zone forever.

“Let’s just be friends….”

In my time here building Ex Boyfriend Recovery I have received close to 300 emails from different women, all with unique stories about their boyfriends and breakups. One common theme that I have picked up on when communicating with them is “what are you supposed to do if your ex boyfriend says he just wants to be friends?” Now, I will admit that if you find yourself in this position you are going to have some work to do and even if you do everything that I outline on this page you still may not be able to get your ex boyfriend back.

This is The Friend Zone Page..

My readers have dubbed this as the “friend zone page.” Since this page has garnered so much attention I thought I would come back and buff it up a little bit. So, this new version of the page is going to focus a lot about how YOU can get out of the friend zone if you have been placed there by an ex. Now, since you are on this page I am assuming that your ultimate goal is to get your ex boyfriend back.

There seems to be a common misunderstanding that getting out of the friend zone is essentially the same thing as getting a boyfriend back. Well, I hate to burst your bubble but it isn’t. Getting out of the friend zone doesn’t guarantee you success in getting him back. All it does is prove that you could POTENTIALLY be more than friends with him again. There are a lot of goals/steps that have to pass in order for you to be an official couple again and this page cannot help you with that. Remember, this article is only about how to get out of the friend zone.

If you are looking for something a little more in-depth that can give you the full steps to getting a boyfriend back then I would like to point you towards Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO, my ebook.

Check Out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.

A Sad Truth That You Need To Accept

friend zone

I am going to tell you something that almost everyone else out there is afraid to tell you. All I can do is raise your chances of getting your ex back. Ultimately, the decision on whether he should take you back or not is up to him, not me or you. Even if you do everything right he may still decide that it’s best to move on. The sad truth is that a part of the strategy outlined on this page is out of your hands.

Why am I telling you this?

Because I want you to prepare yourself mentally for the possibility that you may not get him back. I am going to be completely honest with you, women who tend to do better when it comes to getting out of the “friend zone” and into the dating zone are ones who have accepted this sad truth. The ones that I see fail time and time again are the ones that are overly emotional and can’t accept that life may have to go on without their ex significant other.

friend zoneThe Friend Zone

Ahh… the dreaded friend zone! It’s a place that we have all put someone in the past and a place that we never want to be. I will admit that my introduction to the friend zone came in my early high school years. However, I remember it like it was yesterday. There was a girl who I really liked a lot and thought she felt the same about me. I soon found out how wrong I was when I asked her out to a school dance and got the dreaded “Umm… we can go as friends right?”

Make no mistake about it, I know what it is like to have feelings for someone and not be able to do anything about it. The question I am going to ask is, “is it possible to get out of the dreaded friend zone?”

I personally believe that it is possible. However, you have to accept that a certain part of getting out is left up to chance.

Getting Out Of The Friend Zone

Since we are talking about ex boyfriends here you do have a certain advantage on your side. You see, in the example I gave above (where I asked the girl to the dance) I was at a disadvantage because the girl had no romantic feelings for me at all. Your case is a little different because your ex boyfriend has already demonstrated that he does have romantic feelings towards you. Now, he may have lost his feelings towards you which is why he broke up but don’t worry because I am going to give you the tools you need to reignite his feelings for you. First things first though.

Freezing Him Out

freezing

If this is going to work there are a certain amount of sacrifices that you are going to have to make. These sacrifices won’t be easy and even as I write these words I am sure that 90% of the people reading this page will fail to do them. Why? Because most people don’t have to discipline to do what I am about to suggest.

I am a big believer in the No Contact Rule. You know, that little rule that says you can’t talk to your ex in any way shape or form for 30 days? If you look through my site you will see that almost on every page I mention it’s significance. If that doesn’t tell you how important I think it is then perhaps a few website visitors can convince you.

The following quotation is a comment I received yesterday from a woman who has been actively freezing her ex boyfriend out using the no contact rule!

I originally left a post on the 8th….. And stopped contacting him unless it was about our daughter. It’s been three days, I’m telling you NC works. This morning at 7am I received a text from him that said “do not respond to this, but I miss you”. Holding strong, and I have been running and eating healthier. The next time he sees me I am going to look amazing. Hold on with the the NC ladies, it’s one of the hardest things, but after three days I already had him admitting that he misses me! …. Keeping busy!!

“Alright, alright Chris, we get it No contact = Good but you haven’t told us how it can help get us out of the friendzone?”

Usually when people get “frienzoned” they accept their fate and actually become friends with the person they are interested in. Now, what do friends do? Well, they talk, text message, facebook, etc. I am not saying this behavior is bad I am just saying that you can’t expect to get back on your ex boyfriends radar doing this.

Since we are focusing specifically on an ex boyfriend the dynamic is a little different. Most women who come to me seeking for help have done the following things immediately after their breakup:

  • They have blown up their exes cell phone with whiny text messages like “please, we are worth fighting for” or “I can change I promise.”
  • Their behavior has forced their ex to unfriend them on Facebook.
  • They have put their ex in an uncomfortable corner where he would no longer respond to their texts or calls.
  • Written letters declaring their undying love.
  • Oh, and my personal favorite, gone to their exes parents to ask for advice.

Trust me, this behavior is not attractive to men. In fact, we are hardwired to believe that it is expected from women after a breakup. I remember my last serious breakup the exact thoughts I had going through my head were “I wonder when she is going to call me?” Now, you may be thinking “wow that is great he wanted her to call.” I didn’t mean it like that. I meant it like this “I wonder when she is going to call me to start trying to get me back?” I must give my ex props for not being too desperate and clingy. However, three days later she texted and in my mind at that moment she lost her value to me.

You see, for three days I was on the edge of my seat waiting for the call or text, almost expecting it. It was exciting to be left in suspense like that but all the excitement left the moment my hypothesis was confirmed and she texted. Now, can you imagine how different that situation would have gone if she would have just waited a full 30 days before texting me? Let me give you a small sample of how I think I would have reacted.

Days 1-5: “When is she going to text me? I know she totally wants me back.”

Days 6-12: “Something is wrong, &*^% she is really over the breakup.”

Days 12-20: I’d probably break down and text…. no response… I get very very angry.

Days 20-30: “Well fine… I am sooo over her..” she finally texts “Wow, I can’t believe this happened.”

Notice how slowly but surely I went kind of crazy! Guys only go this crazy over girls they are interested in hearing from. Of course, not all guys will react this way but don’t worry. I know exactly what to do in those cases as well.

Time To Take Matters Into Your Own Hands

matters into hands

The no contact rule alone probably will not be enough to get you out of the friend zone. For some women, you will find that a simple freeze out for a month will be enough. However, in my experience, more has to be done to reclaim your old relationship. This section is the “more” that has to be done.

Now, I am not going to lie to you. It is very easy to screw up this part. If you say one wrong thing or act just a tiny bit too desperate your chances of getting him back will be gone faster than you can say “goodbye.” No pressure right? Haha. Don’t worry though, I am going to do my best to lay out this method in the simplest manner possible so you can understand exactly what you need to do.

IMPORTANT- In order for the methods below to work to their fullest extent you must have implemented a 30 day no contact rule.

Catching His Eye

You are going to text your ex boyfriend.

“Whoa… Wait, Wait, Wait! What about calling, emailing or writing a letter?”

Good question! I actually wrote an entire article outlining the benefits of texting vs. calling, emailing and letters. Check it out on the following page. So, after you read that page and we are on the same page the question now becomes “what do you say to your ex after all this time in a text message?”

Well, I actually have two methods for a first contact text. One method will be for women whose ex boyfriends have contacted them during the no contact period and the other method is for women whose boyfriends didn’t.

First Contact Text For Women Whose Ex Boyfriends Contacted Them During NC

Alright, admittedly you already have a bit of an advantage over the other women (the ones whose bf’s did not contact them.) Your ex is clearly interested in you, probably a little worried and maybe a little angry that you haven’t been responding to him. Anyways, the point of all this is that it probably won’t take a lot to get your ex to respond to your first contact text. With that in mind, I definitely WOULD NOT recommend that you send him a simple one word text like:

“hey” or “hi”

In fact, I would even say variations like:

“hey, what’s up?” or “whats going on?”

Are a really bad idea. If you are going to send a text to your ex boyfriend (who told you he just wants to be friends) a simple “Hey, whats up?” isn’t going to do the trick. Your text needs to have substance and it needs to force him to reach back in his mind and think of something positive. Here are a few of my personal favorite examples:

text message

Or another one of my favorites:

text example 2

First Contact Text For Women Whose Ex Boyfriends Did Not Contact Them During NC

I know it feels hopeless. You read about the no contact rule and were sure it was going to work. You waited day after day secretly hoping that today was the day that he would finally reach out to see how you were doing… only he didn’t. What now? Should you give up and just accept that maybe you two weren’t meant to be together?

No, you aren’t going to give up until you try everything you can.

First things first, your main priority isn’t to start up a conversation with a friendly text (like the women did in the examples above.) Your main objective is to get him to respond to your text message and then engage him in a conversation. So, how do you get him to respond to a text message when deep down you have a feeling that he wants nothing to do with you.

You create a text message so enticing that it is impossible for him NOT to respond to it.

I will provide you with examples for my “enticing” text below but some of you may not like it because it will require a lot of planning and thought for what to say after the message to keep him hooked in. However, our main objective is just to get him to engage in a text messaging conversation with you because it is a sign that he is interested in what you have to say.

However, if you have a better idea for your “enticing” message then feel free to use it or you can ask me what I think about it in the comments section of this page. Lets take a look at the two examples that I have come up with.

text 3

or

text 4

The key to making these texts work is to have something interesting to say after the initial “confession.” What you need to say is completely up to you. However, the probability that you will get a response is very high so make sure you have something prepared.

Also, this is something that is a personal preference to me. I would actually wait one hour from the moment that he responds before you respond to his text messages. This way, he is sweating a little bit and can’t wait for your response. It will take amazing discipline but it might increase the chances of him engaging you in a conversation.

The Conversation

This section is extremely important because it is going to teach you how your conversations should go with your ex. I am going to give you a little insight to the male mind. The thing about men is that a certain part of their attraction towards women is very predictable. You see, we always want what we can’t have. You tell us that we can’t have that cookie on the plate… we want that cookie. You tell us that we can’t have that cute blonde in the corner… we want that cute blonde in the corner.

Here is the funny thing. Most men, once they set their mind to something they get a bit of tunnel vision. They focus on that one thing and block everything out. You want your ex to get his tunnel vision on YOU. The only question is how do you accomplish that?

Well, that is easy! You just become something that he can’t have by dominating every texting conversation you have with him. Now, when I say “dominate” I don’t mean to actually dominate him. For example, if you are a Republican and he is a Democrat do not dominate him in the conversation to the point where he changes party affiliations, that’s just scary.

No, I want you to dominate the conversation by ending it first. You always want to leave with him wanting a bit more. I would compare this to the show Game of Thrones. If you have ever seen GOT then you know how wildly addicting it is. However, if you really stop to think about it, while the writing is great and the plot twists come out of nowhere, it is really the shows ability to keep you coming back for more that makes it so interesting. Every single episode is left with an amazing cliffhanger that makes you go “WHYYYY… Why does it have to end?”

I want you to take this “cliffhanger” theory and apply it to your conversations with your ex boyfriend via text message. Make sure that you always leave him wanting more.

How do you do this? Well, there are really two ways to do this.

Method One: The Nice Way

The nice way to end a conversation with your ex is to start the conversation with him, hook him in the conversation.

The Hooking Point- The part of the conversation where your ex is extremely engaged. Think of it like the climax of the story, except it is the climax of the conversation.

Anyways, once you have him hooked you simply bow out of the conversation with this simple text:

text 5

Method Two: Evil Genius Way

I really can’t take credit for this method. I have to thank almost every single girl that I have really liked and not gotten. I have found that this method works on me (so by default it should work on your ex boyfriends and help you get out of the friend zone.)

This method is a lot like the one described above. You get engaged in a conversation with your ex, you get to the hooking point of the conversation and then you end the conversation abruptly making him want more. Here is the only difference.

Instead of ending the conversation with a simple “I g2g” like I explained in the example above, you end the conversation by not responding at all.

This will accomplish two big things. For one, he is going to be checking his phone multiple times, which will reinforce to him that you are important. Secondly, technically you never ended the conversation so you can always start back up whenever you want and it won’t be weird!

 

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729 Responses to What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Just Wants To Be Friends
  1. Linda
    July 29, 2014 | 10:10 pm

    Hi chris. My Ex and i live together. He broke up with me before he left for a month long trip. Our contact had been all over the place from fighting to cuddling and so on. He agreed to take a vacation with me but insists that were are still broken up and that his mind is made up I agreed with him that we are still broken up and this is a good bye trip clearly I’m hoping for more but have come to terms with his decision ….. Im a bit confused I pushed for the trip but he did not have to agree so Im wondering whats going through his head? And also if there is anything I can do during our trip to change his mind…. Of course the story is a little more complex but you don’t have all day for that.

    • Linda
      July 29, 2014 | 10:14 pm

      ps he had been back now for a week and a half from his month long trip where we had little contact but still managed to argue and also of good contact. Its difficult because we live together. Our trip is scheduled for 2 weeks from now

    • admin
      July 30, 2014 | 3:06 pm

      I think the problem is that he knows he can have you…

  2. Arie
    July 29, 2014 | 4:27 pm

    Hi Chris, I have been reading all sorts of blogs in the last few hours like a lost puppy trying to understand “what does he mean when he says he wants to be friends?” The problem is he is not exactly an EX. So it will take me a while to give you the background and this may be as long as a novel. So, thank you in advance for reading this…
    We are both expats currently living in Asia – he is in Japan and I am in Singapore, and we both travel a lot for work. We met at a work function in Japan in Jan this year, where he eventually followed me back to my hotel and we were supposed to have an one-night-stand. It did not end there. He told me he was going to Singapore the week after for only a day, and asked if he could see me. I said yes. He asked if he could stay with me, and for some reason I said yes. Fast forward, during the first 3 months we saw each other 5 times. It’s quite a lots consider we live in two different countries with a 5-hour flight in between. We do not exchange texts or calls when we are not in each other’s country – so clearly it was an arrangement. However whenever we were with each other, things were great – sex was fun, we were both considerate, we slept together with lots of intimacy and cuddling. I was fine with the arrangement until in April when he was in Singapore for an event and I asked him to meet me at a club. He had friends with him and when he tried to introduce me to his friends, he could not remember my name. I was upset and I left the club despite the fact that we made plans to go back to my place together. He called many times that evening and wanted to come over. We met up and made up because I decided it was ok because it was what it was – it’s supposed to be an arrangement. Then we stopped talking for two month between April and June. I was feeling flirtatious one night and started texting him. His response was enthusiastic and he told me he would be in Singapore for a month for work. His service apartment was a 5-min walk from mine. I got excited and was ready to have fun this guy during his stay. The first time after two months was not great – we got into a fight on why women blame men for the problem on prostitution!! We had sex, we slept together, but no hugs or any sort of intimacies like we used to have. Again we both travel a lot and have high demanding jobs…we made plans and sometimes he had to change it and he always asked if I am upset….Finally there was one time we met up and he was too hung over to have sex… he sent a text the next day apologizing for not being good company…then he had to fly out to NY… and had asked if I would like to go hiking and do dinner when he gets back…I freaked out a bit but told him I would love to. Anyway, he I s finally back and we made plans to meet last Saturday for dinner. On the Friday night before, I asked if he was just sitting at home in his underwear and if he was I would like to go over… he asked if it was a booty call and I said yes….I went over… he was a bit hesitant… I asked if he wanted me to go home.. he said no…anyway we had sex on Friday. On Saturday, he was trying to get out of dinner, but I told him I already made a reservation… so we kept the plan… Dinner was enjoyable…then in a Taxi, he told me he just wanted to be friends. I was drunk… and I asked him – Can we be friends with benefits. He said no. I asked does that mean we do not get to sleep together anymore… he said we will need to see about that…I asked him why did he want to be my friend? He said because I seem to be a very cool person to have as a friend. He got off the taxi and said we needed to finish the conversation before he leaves town again on Thursday. So we had a chat on Sunday – he told me that the reason he has been moody and difficult to deal with is because he has been thinking what to do with this, whatever this is…and he decided he wants to be friends. He asked me how do you think this is going to go, or end… I said I don’t know. I want to continue. I told him that I like him and I think he knows … and I asked if that had made him feel uncomfortable. He said – he knows I like him, otherwise we won’t be having this conversation.
    Anyway he said we can still have lots of fun “hiking and having dinners, and exploring new restaurant together….” I told him I am not sure if I can be friends with a man whom I slept with. I have many guy friends, and actually my 3 best friends in Singapore are all men (it’s a fact. I have always been a tomboy), and that I have never slept with any of my guy friends… he asked me “ so, what are you saying?” I said “ I may not be able to be friends…” He said “ you don’t have to decide now.. sit on the idea, and when you are ready, you let me know…”
    We went on talking about other things and it was time to say bye. He kissed me on the cheeks and said “see you later? Or maybe not?” I said “maybe not. But if you change your mind you can let me know…”
    I do realized I don’t know anything about him to make a conclusion… Is he just being nice and sensitive to let me down gently? Or is he acting like an ass without know he is acting like an ass (sleeping with me on Friday and telling me he wants to be friends on Sat)
    So why does he want to be friends? Would I even get a chance to take this further I agree to be his friend?

    • admin
      July 30, 2014 | 2:00 pm

      Did he specifically ask for a FWB type of relationship?

  3. Elizabeth
    July 27, 2014 | 10:31 pm

    Hi Chris, I have have actively reading your website for about 2-3 months now. I don’t have a lot of close friends so I thank you for this website,for helping me feel like someone cares about me in this process. Anyways, I am at the stage where my ex and I finally met after the no contact rule. We met up and had a good time catching up. After dinner where I suggested splitting checks even though he suggested an expensive restarant. He asked if I wanted to come by his new home to see the work he has done on his home improvement projects. I said sure. We went to his house. Looked around, talked, stayed to watch a movie. And of course I couldn’t control myself and initiated a kiss. He kissed back and one thing led to another. So after being intimate I left to go home. In the morning he texted me it was amazing:) but that he just didn’t know what to do next. He wasn’t ready to just jump back into a relationship with me. He said his heart is still locked up. He said he’s still hurt and his heart wont allow him to jump into something so soon. So he suggested being freinds with benefits or just friends. So I said Just Friends. That I respect myself to much to just be a cheap friends with benefits. He agreed. He said he wants to give the friend thing 8 weeks to see if I have really changed. I need advice. Please! Does it sound like he’s just going to hurt me. Or like he really does need time. I’m also afraid that I wont be able to control myself with him. That I will try to initate somehting with him when are together as Just friends. What should I do???

    • Elizabeth
      July 28, 2014 | 5:18 am

      Also I should mention he does not want to mention what happened between us to anyone. Friends, family, anyone. Basically he wants to keep what happened between us a secret and that he’s talking to me as a friend a secret. And he will not readd me on any social media. He said not until I have showed him I have changed. Is this a bad sign???? Or normal considering he’s confused and hurt. And may not want to look like a fool taking me back. And no i did not cheat on him. I did make mistakes though.

    • admin
      July 28, 2014 | 2:47 pm

      Hmm… commitment issues with him it looks like.

      I would go NC for 2 weeks and then slowly advance things again. Except don’t be physical with him. Make him work for it.

      • Elizabeth
        July 28, 2014 | 3:22 pm

        Hmmm a whole 2 weeks? Even though he is basically only giving me 8 weeks as a friend to see changes? I trust your advice. Its always helpful despite my thoughts. But I just want to made sure you read the part apart the 8 weeks he’s giving me.

        • Elizabeth
          July 28, 2014 | 3:36 pm

          So sorry, I also forgot to mention it is my Birthday this weekend. So I assume it’s okay to reply with a Thank you if he txt Happy Birthday? But should I reply if he asks me what i’m doing or wants to do something

          -Thanks Chris

          • admin
            July 29, 2014 | 1:32 pm

            Nope… if you are in NC you can’t even reply.

        • admin
          July 29, 2014 | 1:29 pm

          Try two weeks. Lets do things on your terms and not his.

  4. Amanda
    July 17, 2014 | 12:25 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I have been actively reading your site for three months now. And THANK YOU! You have helped me more than anyone.

    I just read “when to stop trying to get your ex back.”

    I feel like I’ve done everything right. No contact, emotional connection, I’ve had him saying things like he’s mad a mistake. And after going on a date with someone else, he professed that no one meets standards like I do. However HE is unable to give me what I require from a relationship (is attention.. He just doesn’t have anything to give.) but we have a depth and connection I have never felt before.

    In one of your articles you talked about how one man had a hard time expressing his feelings and te more his gf felt and expressed, the more scared and inexpressive he got. That is my ex in a nut shell. We for together last night to have our open and honest conversation. And it went awesome! We almost didnt want to, bc we know he have such a great time when were are together. We had a lovely evening, I told
    Him I didn’t want to be his gf (reverse psychology) and that I am fully supportive and so happy for all that he is doing in his life. I know he needs his freedom and time. And this is his time, so go kill it!

    However I can see us together, raising children together in the future. And I’m not sure if this is where I should give up. Or stay in this limbo and keep trying. Please help me. I’ve done everything right… But you’re right… It is so hard and not black and white!

    Thank you for everything Chris,

    Amanda Peter

    • admin
      July 18, 2014 | 3:44 pm

      Tell me, your ex, who has trouble expressing feelings, do you think he has issues with commitment as well?

  5. K.A
    July 16, 2014 | 8:39 pm

    My ex and I dated a little over a year. He claimed it was because he needed to get his life together and that he doesn’t have time for a relationship with any girl until that happens. Now I know some guys say things like that to make is a little easier. So that night he freaked out and kept texting me that he was going crazy because he didn’t know if this was the right choice and if he could live with this decision. So I told him to go to bed and just think about things. The next day I stopped by to give him his stuff back and his reasoning for breaking up with me was different. This time its as because he didn’t feel that ‘spark’ anymore. Which I explained was normal, sometimes people get lazy or couples get into a routine. So I left, and he called me that night crying and saying how he didn’t know how he felt. Now, being stupid, I had called him the next day because I really wanted some closure, and seeing as he had called me the least he could do was answer when I did. Well, he didn’t, so I had texted him explaining my stance on things because I had a gut feeling he wouldn’t reply. It wasn’t until the next day when he called me and yelled at me telling me he needed space to figure things out and that he couldn’t be in a relationship because he needs to get his life straight (yea I don’t even know which breakup reason to believe). He also said that if he doesn’t contact me before I leave for school then I should text him and let him know the day I’m leaving (which is actually a month away). I know the probability of us getting back together is slim. However, out of the 8 relationships I have had throughout my life I can honestly say I have never been this upset over a breakup because I really thought we had something going and I saw a future with this guy. What I really want to ask is, would the no contact rule still apply here? Or would I just be wasting my time because we had texted a little after the breakup?

    • admin
      July 18, 2014 | 3:05 pm

      He sounds like a basket case and you sound like a really grounded person.

      I definitely think the NC rule is the way to go here.

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