By Chris Seiter

Published on April 13th, 2022

Today we’re going to be talking about if the no contact rule can work if your ex boyfriend lost feelings for you.

It seems like it would have a simple answer but it’s actually far more complicated than that.

In all, I’d really like to focus in on three specific topics related to it,

  1. Will It Improve Your Odds Of Restarting Their Feelings For You?
  2. The Misconception People Have About No Contact
  3. The Secure Attachment Gravity Component

So, if you’re ready to go all in having a deeper understanding of the impact a no contact rule can have on a man then you came to the right place.

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Will No Contact Improve The Odds Of Restarting A Mans Feelings For You?

Most of the people who probably find themselves reading an article like this have a pretty strong belief that their ex has completely lost feelings for them.

In my opinion, the no contact rule alone isn’t going to be what can “restart” someone’s feelings for you.

That may hurt to hear but there’s a lot more that goes into making someone fall for you than simply ignoring them and trying to manipulate them.

And that’s really the problem I see now-a-days when people come into our orbit.

Half of the battle that my coaches and I have is convincing them that while the no contact rule is consistently shown to be an effective strategy in ex recovery its importance is often inflated because most people have a drastic misunderstanding of the true point of no contact.

And that’s really what I want to talk about today because theoretically if you do the no contact rule the way I suggest you can create an environment that makes it more likely that their feelings for you can bubble to the surface.

It’s complicated, I know but just keep reading.

The Misconception People Have About The No Contact Rule

Perhaps the biggest challenge that I face on a day to day basis with clients and new members of our private facebook group is a re-education process.

Unfortunately Ex Boyfriend Recovery isn’t often the first choice when people start reading about breakups.

It should be… I of course say this being completely unbiased 😉 .

But what often happens is that by the time someone winds up on my website, YouTube channel or podcast they’ve already done all of their research on the no contact rule from my peers and they fall for a very seductive misunderstanding.

And that misunderstanding is that if you simply engage in a no contact rule then your ex will miss you.

And yes, there is some research to support this thesis. After all, in a post I wrote yesterday I talked about the no contact rule and the concept of reactance.

Reactance: If you take someone’s behavioral freedoms away they will often react in a way to try to reclaim that behavioral freedom.

So, it seems relatively straightforward, right?

Implement a no contact and your ex is bound to miss you, right?

Well, all the way up until 2020 this is what I believed until I actually started paying attention to what really happens for our clients who use the no contact rule.

It started first when I decided to poll our facebook group on how often their exes reached out to them during no contact. My assumption was that for sure at least 70% of them would claim that their exes were the ones to reach out to them.


What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Ok, so 60% of exes don’t reach out during no contact. That doesn’t mean they don’t miss their exes, right?


In 2020, due to the pandemic, we had our best year ever.

  • More traffic
  • More digital product sales
  • More success stories
  • More everything

It makes sense, the pandemic was the source of a lot of pain for individuals and ultimately a lot of breakups occurred.

2020 was also the year I started kicking it into high gear with interviewing success stories and posting those interviews for free on YouTube.

I’m always in the process of trying to reinvent our program. To better it so we can get closer to the truth via the Socratic method,

And what I learned during 2020 in my interviews of success stories really shocked me.

I noticed that almost all of the success stories were very complimentary of the no contact rule but they don’t really cite its ability to make an ex miss them as this great thing.

In fact, the most successful people really harped on this concept we teach called the trinity.

The Trinity Component

Now, I know it seems like we are taking a strange detour and not talking about the no contact rule restarting an exes feelings for you but I assure you I’m getting to it but sometimes all the knowledge you need happens on the detour so bear with me.

The trinity is all about maximizing the following areas of your life,

  1. Health
  2. Wealth
  3. Relationships (outside of an ex)

I ultimately found in the interviews that the individuals who spent their no contact time focused on balancing their lives out in this way saw incredible results.

Because really the focus was in outgrowing the breakup. It was about healing.

But still, I felt like I was missing a part of the equation.

That’s when attachment styles really came to the forefront.

Understanding The Secure Attachment Gravity Concept

Secure attachment gravity as a concept in my opinion is the real reason why you see so many exes “have feelings” during a no contact rule.

But it’s a bit complicated to explain.

Really there are only two types of attachment styles.

  1. Secure Ones
  2. Insecure Ones

Of course, 90% of the individuals we are dealing with in our coaching practice have insecure attachment styles of which there are three.

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  1. Anxious
  2. Avoidant
  3. Fearful

Now I’ve talked A LOT about what each of these are so I highly recommend you watch this video if you want a clearer understanding,

But in a nutshell here is what each attachment style means.

  1. Anxious: Their entire identity is wrapped around relationships. Low confidence and their sense of self is wrapped up in the relationship.
  2. Avoidant: Will leave the relationship when they feel like their independence is being assaulted.
  3. Fearful: A combo of both anxious and avoidant.

The vast majority of our clients are anxious while the vast majority of their exes are avoidant.

So, what we are often dealing with is this avoidant-anxious match and oh boy do they make a match.

In fact, I’m pretty sure School of Life (a really great YouTube channel) did an entire video on the volatile nature of these relationships.

But simply by understanding attachment styles it paints a clearer picture of why so many people struggle with the no contact rule.

I’ve made it blatantly clear that over 80% of our clients who attempt the no contact rule in our coaching practice will fail it at least once.

Often this is because anxious behavior and thoughts get the better of them because most of our clients are anxious.

It also paints a picture of why most exes don’t respond to a no contact rule,

Because the truth is that most exes are avoidant or have avoidant tendencies in some way shape or form.

And often many of my peers propagate the no contact rule as a means to make an ex miss you because they know that it appeals to your anxious side but at the same time there are just always going to be segment of exes who “miss you” during no contact.

But many of my peers haven’t put a lot of thought into the mechanism of what really makes exes miss them during no contact.

I like to think it’s a concept called secure attachment gravity.

What Is Secure Attachment Gravity?

Do you remember during your childhood there used to be this saying,


What would Jesus do.

I’m not particularly religious but I always thought it was a great mechanism to help you stay on the straight in narrow. When in doubt ask yourself what would Jesus do.

If he wouldn’t take the action you are considering taking then don’t do it.

If he would, then do it.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Seems like a simple way to approach life.

Well, I want you to start asking yourself WWSD.

What Would A Secure Do.

Take a look at this graphic.

This is secure gravity at work. An interesting thing we’ve noticed is that often insecure attachment styles are drawn to a secure one.

And really in my opinion this is the function of a no contact rule. It should be all about getting you to a secure and healthy place both emotionally and physically.

This is what creates an environment for an ex to have feelings for you again.

So, what would a secure person do during a no contact rule?

Simply put, they would spend their time moving on from an ex. It sounds weird but this is exactly what you should be focused on.

Not on what your ex is doing.

Not on if they are dating someone else.

Not on how you can get them back.

Rather, you should be focusing 100% of your energy on you. On balancing out that trinity.

Only then do you create an environment where an ex wants to revisit things with you.

So, if that’s the function of your no contact rule then yes, the no contact rule can work if he lost feelings for you.

It can work on a lot of levels.

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1 thought on “Will No Contact Work If He Lost Feelings For You?”

  1. Rebecca King

    June 7, 2022 at 1:52 am

    Thank you for the depth of you video. It is obvious that you have put a great deal more thought into your area of expertise than the average person on the Internet who is putting forward the no contact rule. I appreciate that and I agree right down to Jung’s Shadow Work, which I do myself .

    A two year relationship ended suddenly for me approximately 1 month ago. I didn’t see the end coming so it knocked me for a loop. However I have a background that allowed me to focus on using the breakup as a catalyse for my own inner growth.

    In so doing it is strengthened, healed and empowered me . I am grateful for the experience of the relationship and am enjoying my life and my future in whatever form it takes

    I wish you well in your endeavors . The video was totally not what I expected in a good way. 🙂