By Chris Seiter

Updated on May 18th, 2021

So, you miss your ex, and you want to know if he misses you too.

That’s understandable.

You want to know when he’ll feel this pain that you’re feeling now that the two of you have split up.

Missing someone is different for everyone. For some, it hits as soon as the person leaves our side. For others, it takes a while for it to sink in.

Knowing an exact time that your ex will realize that they miss you is impossible. But don’t let that get you down. There are some factors that play into the when that you want to know.

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What Factors?

Well, there are an infinite number of things that effect the way each person perceives the world around them.

Let’s talk about the more prominent ones that you would know about from being their partner.

Quality of Life

One of the most important influencers on the “Missing You,” timeline would be evident in your ex’s life itself.

What else does he have going on?

Are there things in his life that matter to him that are holding his attention?

Every person has a set of emotional needs and finds a way to meet those needs one way or another.

In this case, your relationship filled a need. Now, that it’s gone, he will need to find another way to fill that need. Think of the need as a hole and the relationship as a plug that filled that hole.

Like this.

When the relationship is removed, there are two things that can happen. Either, one, his life is full of other fulfilling things like friendships, family, or hobbies. Once the relationship is removed, the void would be filled by these things that fill up the rest of his life.

Like this.

If he has other things that keep his mind engaged and fill that emotional need, then it could take a while for him to feel the loss..

However, when there aren’t things in your ex’s life to fill the void, that’s when the mind begins to search for what is missing.

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THAT is when he will start missing you.That void is probably a feeling you can relate to.

In fact, that void is probably a feeling you can relate to. It’s like a vacuum always pulling your mind back to the hollow feeling in your chest and the desire to not be alone. It distracts from everything else in your life.

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The Investment

When someone spends a lot of time and effort building a relationship, it makes sense that walking away from it would leave them feeling like they’ve lost something. Usually, in relationships this isn’t a monetary or physical loss. It boils down to the loss of what could have been.

Any future they saw with you is no longer going to happen. Believe it or not, when someone has invested, time, effort, and hope, that loss can leave the biggest void of all.

However, you will only know about the investment he made if he talked to you about the future. Not many people, men especially, admit that they think about the future. It makes them feel vulnerable.

The Chemicals

There is one last thing that you can count on for sure to make your ex miss you and that is hormones. These chemicals are what help people create connections to other people.

If your ex was emotional, either positively or negatively, toward the relationship you can bet that he was a swirling cocktail of hormones, one of which is Oxytocin. This is the chemical your brain overloads you with when you feel good and close with someone. It’s even got a nickname, the “cuddle hormone.”

Oxytocin is what causes you to worry once the honeymoon phase of the relationship is over and you start to feel distance between you and your mate. It isn’t because of disinterest. It’s more like you’re getting comfortable with each other, which, while natural, can incite panic in a relationship.

That darn little brain chemical is what is bothering you so much right now. It takes months even years to sever a bond like that, especially if it’s a super strong connections. Studies say that oxytocin production increases with closeness.

So if your ex was extra snuggly, kept his arms around you when you were out and about, and couldn’t stop holding your hand, then it’s possible that the connection is fairly strong on his end. So, you can bet your cookies that, unless he’s already in another relationship, that he’ll be missing you pretty quickly.

Luckily, if that level of connection existed, I can promise that even if you can’t see it your ex is feeling it too.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Subtle Signs That He’s Missing You

There are two things that your ex might do are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum.

First, he might try and set up a secondary relationship with you, like a friendship.

“I’d really like to stay friends.”

But, the friendship stays limited to him just staying connecting to you on social sites. If you were to remove him, he would notice right away. He’s also be pretty quick to notice when you post. It’s also likely that the friendship would stay limited to interactions like this, online, or texting. He wouldn’t be able to interact with you in person much because he wouldn’t want you to know that he misses certain aspects of the relationship.

The other things would be if he wiped you from his life completely. If he got rid of every single reminder that you two were ever and ite,. This is because it is painful for him to miss you and seeing anything that reminds him of the connection won’t allow him to move past the pain.

This pain might be transferred into anger or an abrupt exit if you were to interact with him in any way.

My Advice to You

First of all, stop everything you are doing to get him to pay attention to you.

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I understand how you are feeling right now. I have been in your shoes more times that I care to admit.

Every ounce of who you are is trying to hone in on these tiny little clues that he’s putting out, hoping for some sign that means he wants you back.

I have some news for you, good news, bad news, and then some more good news.

The initial good news is that, unless you and your ex never created any type of connection, your ex will definitely miss you. He may even reach out by texting or calling. With a lot of these situations, an obvious tell-tale sign is that they reach out when their judgement is impaired, like after a few beers.

I’ve seen guys go to some pretty extreme lengths to avoid checking upon  an ex. Even after removing an ex from their phones, Facebooks, and Snapchat, I’ve seen guys go through friends trying to find out what their ex is up to just because they do miss them.

That’s where the bad news comes in. Yeah I know. I’m sorry. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. Even if he doesnt miss you, that doesn’t erase underlying issues that caused the relationship to end in the first place. So, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to get back together or re-establish a relationship.

Now, I realize that that might not instill a huge amount of hope or positivity. But, remember, I said there is good news to offset that “bad news.” So don’t lose hope yet.

Let’s just assume that your ex misses you, because the probability of that is high whether you can see it or not. So, my advice to you is that you turn your focus inward rather than at your ex.

I know what you’re thinking…Why? Right?

Well, think about it this way. If your ex misses you and he’s trying to keep that connection alive without re-establishing the relationship then you staying focused on him will give him access to you.

However, if you stop focusing on him, then you remove that. By taking away any access he has to you, then any distance he feels will be amplified. His need to reach out will be amplified, too.

So, what can you do if you aren’t focused on him, then?

Well, put yourself in his shoes.

If you were on his side of things, trying not to let your emotions get the better of you, what would make you reconsider?

If it were me, seeing an ex enjoy their life without me, I might wonder if ending the relationship was the right call. If they were thriving or building a better without me, I’d be inclined to be a little insulted.

We all want to think that we are the best part of our counterparts’ lives.

Have you ever looked at the lives of people that you used to date and felt a twinge of jealousy when you find that they didn’t fall to pieces after your relationship ended? How did you feel seeing them happy in other relationships?

So, you are going to want to try and find a way to be the cause of those feelings in your ex.

One of the things I tell my friends when they find themselves in this position is to find a way to thrive rather than just survive.

The more real it is, the more likely it is that his emotions will get the better of him.

How do you do this?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Well, my go-to is to get physical. Where most people go off and curl up in a blanket burrito and eat several pints of ice cream, I like to work something that doubles as therapy and exercise into my schedule, like running, biking, or kickboxing.

Kickboxing has the added bonus of getting to beat the crap out of a punching bag. One of my best friends likes to tape pictures of her exes to the bag to take out her frustration. If that is what floats your boat then, by all means, do it!

This does four things for you. Getting physical tricks your mind into thinking that you are taking action. Let’s be honest you brain has been telling you to do something, anything, since the break-up.

Secondly, Elle Woods had an excellent point, exercising releases endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Who can’t use a little more happiness in their life? Right?

Thirdly, being active opens you up to new social circles. Odds are, you’ll make new friends that don’t know your ex and won’t keep talking about it. It allows the wounds from the breakup to heal.

Lastly, you get the added bonus of seeing his jaw drop when you accidentally run into him in the supermarket and you are looking your best. There’s another upside to this. When he asks how you’ve been, which we both know he will, you can tell him all about how great you’ve been doing.

There’s a trick to this one. When you get to this point and he asks how you’ve been, you are going to want to tell him how wonderful life has been.

“Oh I joined a kickboxing group. It’s completely changed my outlook on life. And I’ve made tons of new friends. How about you?

By saying “how about you?” rather than “how are you?” you are being indirect. Showing that it doesn’t really matter. (Even if it does.)

Your best bet is to say that you not draw this out.

What I would do would be to cut him off.

“Oh, you know what. I promised Seth that I would meet him for coffee. We can catch up another time.”

You see what I did there?

By cutting it short, you are telling him that there is something in your life that is more important than him right now. By naming a person he doesn’t know you’re telling him that there are new people in your life. This will make him feel even more distance. Extra points if the person you name is a guy. This will stoke that jealousy.

At this point you have the power. You can leave off saying,

“Let’s get together soon and catch up? Okay?”

Getting physical is good for you no matter what. It helps emotionally and physically. It also gives you the possibility of building a support group that is independent of your relationship.

Running into him is just a possibility. If you do, just remember how to direct the conversation to make him respond emotionally.

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97 thoughts on “When Will My Ex Start Missing Me?”

  1. Charlotte

    April 11, 2022 at 9:31 am

    Hey me and my ex were together for 2 years and we had an all round amazing relationship … we had our issues with communication on times but our recent argument got out of control and he needed up leaving saying I’m the worst person ever ect … I tried talking to him sorting it out because he is my best friend and when we’re good we’re amazing but he’s just blocked me on every form of contact and told me to move on with my life … but the last message he sent me was we won’t ever get back together but he still loves me and will for a while … but to move on … I’m confused as there’s no way for me to speak to him even after doing no contact ? Any advice would be helpful and just to add we were in a long distance relationship …

  2. Leilani

    May 24, 2021 at 2:54 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me after 2 years. We were best friends and talked about the future. He’s in the military and we were dating before he enlisted. He’s stationed 4 hours away. We saw each other on weekends and texted and face timed during the week. It was hard but we were making it work. He’s getting ready to deploy for a brief time and I think it was bothering me. He said I was putting too much pressure on him. We tried to make it work for a 2 weeks but he said he couldn’t do it anymore. He sent me a text 9 days ago stating thank you for the memories and maybe our paths will pass in the future. And he just wants to be friends. He told me sister last week that it is different without me and it’s a big life style change. He said someones people change and hopefully things will be different in the future. He has not contacted me. I’m doing no contact. What are our chances? It seems like this is final for him. Please help

  3. Aaliyah

    March 9, 2021 at 1:39 pm

    I love this advice

  4. Naomi

    January 21, 2021 at 12:07 am

    I messed up so bad. It’s been about a week I haven’t spoke to my ex. He broke it off because he said the past few months I wasn’t showing a lot of affection towards him like how we were in our lovey dovey stage in the beginning of our 3 year relationship. He communicated it to me few months ago, so I thought I was getting better at it because he didn’t bring it up again and when he wanted to break it off he told me the past few months of me showing affection seemed like I was forcing it. I told him none of it was forced and he still wanted to break it off. These past few months we’d have mini fights but nothing serious so I was just surprised how random it was for him to just give up entirely. He said it’s best to break up because it seems as if we are not compatible and that it’s just an attachment. He also said he didn’t know how hard it was to be in a relationship and he’s upset with himself and then he said we just need to focus on ourselves. We have an apartment together because we both go to the same college. He said he’s not going to kick me out and that he’s not going to ghost me, that he probably won’t be at the apartment as much. I really love him a lot I just feel we have different love languages. We haven’t texted in a week and school starts back up on January 25th. I don’t know if I should keep trying because he really seems done. Or if I should wait the 30 day mark and not contact him to see if he’ll miss me and realize he made a mistake of not wanting to work this out.

  5. Janet

    December 6, 2020 at 1:29 pm

    I have started the no contact rule with my ex. I have already completed two weeks and he still has not reached out to me. I broke up with him. Unfortunately he doe not follow me on instagram and he has stopped viewing my stories on WhatsApp . I don’t think he is interested anymore because he knows how to keep himself busy with work and his friends and family. Any advice ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 14, 2020 at 9:25 pm

      Hi Janet, you can reach out to your ex after you No Contact period ends. usually the 30 day mark. Make sure you read more articles to understand how this program works.

  6. Cute Pineapple

    November 13, 2020 at 3:19 am

    I guess I messed all up. Before knowing this tips, I did everything I couldn’t do. I was the one who broke up with him, cause he was avoiding being together and I was ok with it at first. But he refused to spend time together on our anniversary cause he was busy playing with his friends. So I got really sad and broke up with him saying I was tired of being jealous of other’s relationships and he got really mad. After some hours I said I didn’t want to break up, I was just feeling hurt, but he didn’t want anymore. So I started doing everything I shouldn’t. I insisted we should be together and overcome this. Then waited him to think about it, and he decided it was better we were just friends, because he didn’t love me as a girlfriend anymore. I tried to stay away from him, but it didn’t last long and I decided to be his friend and told him that. That’s when I found about this website and saw I should start with the NC rule.
    I guess it is too late to try being his girlfriend again.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 13, 2020 at 9:16 pm

      Hey there, so it is not too late to start the no contact rule and work the program, but you do need to make sure that you read and follow the information correctly to make this work.

  7. Moose

    October 9, 2020 at 1:13 pm

    So just about a month ago, my ex and I broke up, she broke up with me because she stated that she wanted to “figure herself and explore sexually and romantically” I know that im worth more than that I just really love her. She immediately got in to an ‘almost’ exclusive relationship with someone new. I say almost because she is still technically single, shes just focusing all her attention on this new guy. During the first week of the breakup I was very sad and kept coming to her and venting to her, then during the 2nd/3rd week I became very upset/angry where I started taking it out on her by calling her names, calling her a liar and more. During the 4th-ish week of our breakup i began to keep asking questions and stuff and it really annoyed her to the point where she said we shouldnt contact anymore, since october 3rd ive been in no contact and i miss her so much and want her back, do you think she misses me or there is any chance of reconnection? I feel like she doesnt even miss me. I dont know, please help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 16, 2020 at 9:44 pm

      Hey Moose, if you want to try and reconnect then the first thing you need to do is make sure that you follow the rules of No Contact for at least 30 days where you work on yourself, from there you can reach out and see if your ex is willing to speak to you – use the articles that Chris has provided to show that type of texts you should be sending to your ex.

  8. Amy

    September 10, 2020 at 2:25 am

    Me and my boyfriend just broke up after 8 years, he broke up with me a week after a beach trip with the guys. Come to find out he was hanging with his sister and her friends the entire trip and after breaking up with me was already seeing one of these girls just weeks later after pleading to me this break up wasn’t for someone else, making the breakup much messier than it originally started out being. Since then, I have blocked him on all social media and imessage. Am I going about this the correct way? I want him to miss me and feel the heartache I felt the past month.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 10, 2020 at 9:02 pm

      Hey Amy, we do suggest that you do not block your ex on social media if you want them back. But following a no contact is the right thing to do right now while you work on yourself

  9. CiCi

    March 25, 2020 at 10:44 pm

    So my boyfriend broke up with me on February 28th and i started no contact on march 6th because we had to discuss cancelling spring break plans right after the initial breakup. Even though i have not talked to him in that long he still hasn’t reached out and i am getting worried that he never will. We had an amazing relationship but having small arguments consistently during the end was what ended it. He even told me he still loved me didn’t want to close any doors about getting back together at some point but he didn’t want to make any promises. Our fights usually consisted of me being too clingy so i figured no contact would be perfect but truthfully i thought he would have reached out by now because we used to text each other all day every day for the past three years. He even has mirrored my social media actions a few times and i can tell he is watching what i post. When will he start missing me and should i wait for him to make contact? Is it bad that he hasn’t reached out yet when i have given him more than 20 days of space? I know i need to finish no contact but does it even sound like i have a chance if he hasn’t even tried to come back? And if i do make contact first i don’t know which one of chris’s first contact texts would be best when he hasn’t even tried to contact me what so ever. Please help me with this Chris, your advice has helped me so much through this crazy, confusing time.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 5, 2020 at 12:10 pm

      Hey Cici, it is normal to worry but it is also common for exes not to reach out at all during the NC period. Just prepare your first reach out text which if I am right should be due tomorrow 😉 let me know how it goes

  10. Tiffany Richards

    February 29, 2020 at 9:26 pm

    My ex and I were together for almost 4.5 years. We got together in Nov of 2015. When we met, it was an instant connection. Like we had known each other our whole lives. We clicked and it was so natural, we didn’t have to force anything. We were both working for the schools when we met. At the time, he was married and unhappy in his marriage. I had been single for about a year and a half after divorcing my husband. I wasn’t looking for a relationship at all, but he came along and I just knew that he was the one. He left his wife and filed for divorce. It wasnt till he left her and filed for divorce that we started seeing each other. At the time, I was living with my brother because I gave everything to my ex husband. So I let Steve move in with me at my brothers place right off the get go. Things were great. We ended up getting an apartment of our own right down the road from our work. I eventually left the school for a better paying job shortly after we got the apartment. However, a few months into having our own place – I lost my job. We were unable to afford our apartment and ended up having to move into my parents place. It was suppose to be temporary, 6 months to a year. However, it ended up being longer then that unfortunately because we struggled to get back on our feet financially (3.5 years of being here to be exact). We actually talked about getting married, we went and bought me a $2000 ring and we bought him a ring as well. He said he was going to propose as soon as we were in our own place. At my parents place, my little brother and his gf also lived here. Steve and my brother’s gf Liz couldn’t get along at all. Plus it was so hectic with 6 adults living in one house. Eventually, Steve became unhappy with the living situation and chose to move out and in with his mom and her husband Rick. It was suppose to be temporary until we could buy a place. A few months later, my brother and Liz ended up getting a place. About a year and a half ago, we were finally able to buy a trailer. We have been remodeling it ever since and we were down to the very end of just painting the last bedroom and putting in flooring. (It has been a long journey because money has always been tight). So for the last 2 years I want to say, Steve and I have been living apart from each other and seeing each other on the weekends. He has been living at his mom and Ricks, driving 30 minutes to my parents house every Friday night after getting out of work at 10:30pm and leaving Sunday night. I am driving over an hour to work every day and still at my parents. And we were spending the only time we had together on the weekend working at the trailer. He was stressed out because of living with his parents, driving to my parents and staying here, then driving back and forth every day on the weekend to the trailer to work as well as playing custodian at work plus struggling financially. (He is maintenance, but part of his job requires him to cover a custodian if they call off which is all the time and he hates being a custodian). I’m stressed out because I am tired of being at my parents and being confined to a bedroom in the basement, I’m tired of driving over an hour to and from work, I’m tired of being apart from Steve, plus I have a ton of health issues. (MS, Degenerative Disc Disease, etc). And all of the stress from the outside factors was causing Steve and I to fight. Plus, with my MS, I have a a hard time with my anger. I get mad over the simplest things because of a lesion on my brain which would cause a fight. We literally were down to the end of the remodel and are finally in a good place. We both drive good cars, have good jobs, we finally have a place of our own, money isnt tight (well wont be after the trailer is finished). However, Steve chose to break up with me on Feb. 2nd. He said that he was tired of always fighting and being unhappy. That we needed to take a break. He instantly removed me from the bank account we shared, the phone account we shared, he took himself off the insurance policy we had together all within a week of breaking up. The same week, he had gone through 1800 plus texts and when i asked him who he was talking to, he said “I know you think this isnt affecting me but it is. Ive been talking to a few friends. Getting advice. I’m hurting too.” (It has literally been him and I by ourselves for the last 4.5 years, no friends) The Saturday of the week we broke up (Feb 8th), he came to my parents house to get his stuff. He literally stood in front of me and watched me uncontrollably bawl my eyes out and he never even flinched or tried to comfort me. And alls he kept saying was “I’m sorry.” Then the day after, he was out and about all day long. When I asked him who he was with, he said his Aunt. (He never spent time with his Aunt the whole time we were together). He has completely cut off communication with me. Walked away like I am nothing. Then I find out from his sister in law April that not even a week or 2 after he left me, that he gave his number to a girl at work who happens to be her cousin. When I confronted him about it, he said that she is just a friend. (Also keep in mind that I had been previously told by a friend that I worked with that there was somethimg between Steve and Brittany at work, the girl who filled my position when I left.) Then he went back on FB and blocked me. (We werent on FB when we were together. We decided to get rid of it because it caused drama in our relationship. One issue being that Brittany added him on there and he accepted it). Not even 2 weeks after we broke up and he instantly went back to FB. Well on the 22nd, we met at the storage unit that we shared so that I could get my stuff out of it. He just kept saying “sorry, I do love you but I’m tired of fighting and being unhappy. I never thought things would get this bad”. And when I asked him about Sam (Aprils cousin), he just kept saying that she was a friend. Then when I asked him if she asked for his number or if he asked for hers, he came back with why does it matter. When I told him that it matters to me, he finally gave me an answer and said that she asked for his. When I asked him why he even gave it to her he just kept saying idk, I dont have an answer. Which I dont believe. (This mattered to me because I always told Steve that I feared he would meet somebody at work and leave me. Like how we met. When we met, he swore I was his once in a lifetime woman, that we would always be and that he would never leave, that he would never find somebody at work. And he swore up and down that would never happen, well look what happened). And when I asked him to try and just work things out, he kept saying “I have tried numerous times and nothing ever changes. And if we did get back together, which we won’t, but if we did it would never be the same.” He just kept saying that he needs a break. That he is happy. That he is sleeping again, eating again, he has his appetite back, he has lost 10 lbs. I told him that I would give him a break and that we would go 60 days of no contact and then he has to contact me afterwards and we try. He said ok, but no promises. (I also find it weird that he took all of the stuff that I bought him as gifts and he kept a lot of stuff we bought together. I also find it weird that he still wants to move into the trailer that we bought together and remodeled together). We are a week in of no contact. Am I wasting my time? Or is there hope?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 17, 2020 at 4:58 pm

      Hi Tiffany, so I would suggest doing a 45 day no contact not 60 that is too long. But in that time you need to work on yourself so that you are applying the information from the Ungettable articles to show your ex what he has lost. Try not to speak of the new girl in the picture anymore as that is showing him you see her as a threat. I wouldn’t find it strange that he wants to live in the trailer that you have done up as he would want his own space, just as much as you would I am sure! Focus on yourself for some time and make sure that you are in control of your emotions at all time, especially when you speak with mutual friends, you need to make him think you are doing good without him right now.

  11. Rs

    February 23, 2020 at 12:57 am

    My bf and I had an amazing relationship and connection.. We were super close and always said we are each other’s forever. We started to have fights and I always threatened to break up with him.. Even packed up his stuff and kicked him out a couple times.. Bit I did it out of frustration. I love him very much.. He moved back in with his mom. But we still stayed together.. After Christmas we had a fight and didn’t talk for a week. For the first time.. He didn’t beg and plead for me to forgive him.. So I reached out and we started talking again.. He felt very distant but always told me he loved me.. Showed me lots of affection. I started feeling that we werent as close anymore.. I wound constantly question him about it and he just didn’t seem like he was before.. He used to want to be with me 247.. Now I would always ask for him to come see me and he would give me the run around. He said I hurt him. Then we got into another fight when he wouldn’t show me his phone.. I accused him of cheating and we got into a HUGE fight.. He sent me one txt the next day saying he never cheated and he would never do thst to me. I never replied and he didn’t say anything for a week.. Then I txted him telling him how much he hurt me.. He told me that he never cheated and he loves me so muxb and he would do anything to fight for us.. I am his everything and that he will NEVER let me go!! Couple weeks went by. He was still acting distant and different. And wouldn’t show up when we plan on hanging out. We got Into another fight and didn’t talk for 2 days. I went to his work and told him I was saying goodbye.. He said goodbye forever?? I’m not gona let u say goodbye forever. I love you and will never let u go. So he persuaded me to stay.. After that I tried breaking it off again due to his distance towards me.. He begged and pleaded and cried for me to stay.. Convinced me again. He said he will do anything to make it up to me.. On Valentine’s day which was supposed to be “the best date of our relationship” he stood me up.. And I caught him at another girls house.. I went and let him know I was outside. He wouldn’t come out to face me.. It’s been one week and he hasn’t said anything to me.. He is still hanging out with her.. We have a lot of history together and we love each other very much.. I truly believe he loves me.. But I’m so confused. What do I do? Is there hope for us??? Please help me.. I’m so hurt and depressed and I want him back so bad!! I want to fix things!!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 3, 2020 at 10:50 pm

      Hi Rs, so for your best chance you need to complete a full No Contact where you work on yourself and through the emotions that you a feeling from the break up. Read and apply the information about being Ungettable and the Holy trinity. And plan ahead for your text reach outs from what Chris has provided in his articles. It is a process so you need to be kind to yourself and make sure that you are doign things that are going to make you feel better. being social with friends, going to the gym, spending time with family anything that is going to help you feel better and stop you from reaching out to your ex for 30 days

  12. Katherine Ward

    January 24, 2020 at 11:04 pm

    My boyfriend and I broke up just before christmas, we were together for over 2 years. It was my decision to break up with him, but both of us were devastated. He is hoping to get onto the olympic team and so is time was very very scarce and it was starting to wear me down. We loved eachother dearly and when we broke up, he took complete responsibility for it, as he knew he had been stubborn and stopped putting in the work. We saw eachother on the 2nd and he said that he still loved me, we both cried a lot and said that we wanted a future with eachother once he was more settled in the sport. I am scared that we wont find eachother again and I suppose I am questioning my decision. What do I do? I am 14 days into no contact with him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 25, 2020 at 10:43 pm

      Hi Katherine, complete your No Contact as you are unsure if you want him back. Keep in mind why you ended things and remember you spent two years together so it is normal you miss him, missing someone and then wanting to be in a relationship with someone is two different things.

  13. Vera

    January 21, 2020 at 3:40 am

    My ex and I broke up 1 month ago. We used to be very close and each other first’s & I can sense he really did love me from his eyes and actions. However, I got too insecure and became possessive and always wanted him to compromise, which he did. I also always mentioned the word “break up” but I really never meant it. I never knew I liked him so much till we broke up. He decided to give up cause he said he lost feelings & we keep trying things out but it never work out. Cause I never really compromised, I think he is hurt and tired. I really still love him alot and I learnt from my mistakes. I went to beg and plead with him to try again, but he was very firm. I know moving on is the correct choice, but I believe that I learnt my own problems and I will want this relationship back. Do you think I am being in denial? Or should I still continue to try? Right now we are sort of in no contact, but he still responds to my texts with regards to his birthdays etc. I really do love him alot, but I cant read his mind at all. Will rly appreciate if I can get help 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 24, 2020 at 12:32 pm

      Vera ideally we do not reach out with birthday messages, especially when in No contact. Work on yourself during this time and give your ex some space to start missing you

  14. Heather

    January 20, 2020 at 12:30 pm

    Hi I’ve been in a relationship for 20years .My one and only love. Its just been over a year now since he walked out (when i was taking his parents out for a day trip) when i got home he was gone. Called him to ask where he was and what was going on as there was no warning. Although the two weeks before i was upset with him and i was stonewalling him. But we usually work things out. A few days pass by and he calls to say hes coming back to get a few things, when he came back i asked him (me very very emotional i cant help myself) why is he doing this, whats wrong? He started to cry he covered his face and couldn’t look at me, and we were both emotional, never seen him cry in 20 years, he just said that hes not happy and that he didn’t love me no more. He’s never been a person that regularly tells me that he loves me, he shows it in other ways, so i was shocked that he said that. He just blurted out other silly stuff like he was trying to make things up to justify why he left, like he didn’t even know himself. Hes a person that doesn’t communicate his feelings he’s always keeps his feelings to himself, i have learnt to read when hes happy, grumpy over the years. 6 months earlier he had an argument with his parents, i only found out a couple of days later when they sent an apology to us by email. I asked him about it and he told me why he was upset with them, he felt that they were leaving us out of family things and relied on us a lot when the other members of the family would let them down, as we were the couple that didn’t need his parents support or money. I’ve come to realize over the years how they treat us was unfair and it annoyed and upset me more than it did him, but what i realise now is that it had bothered him over the years and it was like a bubble that had popped. So the day i took his parents out he was upset with me because they came to our house first before going out which he didn’t know about and he said that it was disrespectful that i invited them over without telling him as i think he was still upset with them. We just moved house about 18 months earlier and our beloved dog died around the same time. i know the extra travel time to work was getting him down a bit, he was just grumpier than usual. He will be turning 50 next year and i know getting older really bothers him and now that he is one of the oldest at his work now played on his mind. He came back a couple of times to pick up items, i would try to communicate and to give me a real reason as to why he left as i still dont know to this day, he couldn’t come up with anything and changes excuses from one thing to another, when he leaves each time he asks for a hug, which i find confusing, and when we talked on the phone he would always ask me to say goodbye at the end of the conversation , which i found was hard, he wouldn’t hang up the phone until i said it he just kept telling me he cant hang up until i say goodbye. As we’ve bought a house together I’m still living in it and hes paying the bills as he makes way more money than i do and he knows that i couldn’t do it on my own. We are now going through lawyers to sort our property and belonging, i pray each day that he might finally come to his senses and come back, it all seems like hes depressed and doesn’t know what to do and thinks he’ll be happier without me. And all the things that I’ve mentioned above i think has all boiled up in his head and it just popped and I’m waiting and wondering when he’ll realise what he had and is missing. Thanks for letting me share this with you, would love to hear what you think.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 22, 2020 at 3:09 pm

      Hi Heather, it is difficult to go through these situations but if your ex is this unhappy allowing him that time to sort his emotions out is key if you want to get him back. As for the stonewalling this is going to cause damage to your relationship so I suggest that you avoid doing that if you are to get back together no mater how angry or upset you feel at the time. I would see out local couple therapists to see if there is one affordable for you both to go and have a conversation with the therapist about your situation to see if you can work through things (if he is willing to do so) as for meeting the lawyers and sorting through belongings, I suggest when you go that you look good and speak in an understanding and kind tone, expressing that you are willing to go to therapy, if he declines then you need to go into a Limited no contact where you leave him alone until you see each other in these meetings.

  15. Fel

    January 18, 2020 at 5:04 pm

    Hi, My bf broke up with me 2 days ago. I knew it was coming but we ended everything on surprisingly good terms, we hadn’t seen each other for a month (I had been on vacation) so we also felt excited to share to the other what we had been up to. About the breakup I was very clear to him that I respected that he wanted to breakup but that I wished there would’ve been a second chance, I said I personally believed we needed to just try another direction the second time and not fall into the same routines and patterns that made this not work out.
    Overall he just felt it was better for us to breakup, he said he still wanted me in his life however as a good friend. I told him I wasn’t sure I could give him that, I said I wanted him in my life as my boyfriend. That same night we went over to his place because I had some stuff to pick up. We ended up laying in his bed just talking and laughing together. It felt weird to be in his bedroom after basically being dumped. Later when I sat in the kitchen he just pointed out how easily it’ll be for us to be friends which I just denied and he laughed.
    He even gave me food before he dropped me off. Before I left his car he sadly asked if he’d ever see me again. I said I didn’t know and that he knew what I wanted (us eventually trying again). We ended up hugging for super long, twice and after that I left and now I’m not sure I’ll ever see or hear from him again.

    I felt fine when I came home but after 2 days I’m beginning to feel sad. I don’t want him as my friend only and I don’t know if I would do myself a favor by turning down the friend offer or get a benefit from keeping him as a friend (getting him back as my bf). I won’t reach out since it has to be him that misses me enough to reach out. I’m still struggling to accept whether I’ll ever hear from him again and if I do then it’ll only be with the intention of staying friends. I don’t want to have him keeping the cookie (getting to keep me in his life as a friend) and also eat the cookie (date others). To me it sounds like the best of both worlds for him and I don’t want to give him that. While I do want him to be a part of my life again it’s not only as a friend, I want him back as my bf.

    Do I give up, move on and accept that he might never consider us being a couple again? Or can I still try to do positive changes with myself while staying hopeful that if he reach out to me one day that I still have a shot of getting back together?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 6:47 pm

      Hey Fel If you want to give it a go then do so, starting with No contact reading the materials here will help you along through your process

  16. Siobhan

    January 18, 2020 at 12:43 pm

    Thanks so much for this article and your website. I just broke up with a guy who had a crush on me for a year (we were friends), but thought I wasn’t interested. He then got a girlfriend, but eventually confessed his feelings for me, and realised I felt the same. A month later (after some very intense conversations) he broke up with his gf and we got together. However, although some things were great I acted in a few stupid ways- kept doubting his feelings for me, wondering aloud if we were good together, saying maybe we should end it and got annoyed when he mentioned his ex. Eventually I did end it with him over text (but only because I thought that’s what he wanted). He was upset/angry, but we since met up and he said although he still liked me he wasn’t sure If we were good together and he didn’t like that I brought up his ex. I jokingly said I thought we were totally romantically incompatible (which I don’t, I just think things were very intense when we got together, and I know I acted crazy and have things to work on). We’ve since met up to discuss it, and I suggested we remain friends. He said he’d still “love to be in my life”, and that our relationship was something “we both wanted but didn’t know how to do”. I don’t know if I’m torturing myself trying to stay friends because it will kill me if he falls for someone else. I don’t know if there is any point in me pursuing this? I don’t plan on contacting him again, but if he contacts me I don’t know if I should try and be friends.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 5:22 pm

      Hey Siobhan if you want him back then you need to complete a No Contact and then from there follow this program

  17. Sherri

    January 1, 2020 at 5:30 pm

    I was with my boyfriend for 4 years, we lived an hour apart and both have kids and busy schedules. We fought a lot because I was always complaining about the distance and not seeing enough each other. I would start fights about wanting to end the distance and plan the future. I would go at him for never having time for me or putting effort in and we would end up in a huge fight he’d give me the silent treatment the longest being 2 week’s and then we would make up and get back together. Well this time it happened again a week before xmas, he got me a beautiful necklace and we ended up fighting again over time together and how we wouldn’t be together for xmas. Long story short huge fight he broke up with me this time and it’s been 3 week’s. I am consumed with sadness the first two weeks he kept reaching out but just to blame me and let me know he was mad then xmas he drunk text how much he loves me and I’m the one for him but said I don’t choose him. It was 4 hours of him drunk texting me I was trying to be so nice and apologized and then he said sucks i love you but can’t have you i was so upset i said im not doing this anymore and he said you proved I made the right decision that was 1 week ago and now he’s gone silent. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about him not being in my life. What do I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 3, 2020 at 5:26 am

      Hi Sherri, so in an ideal world for you there would be no distance so that you got more time together, however you both have children to think about, would it be you moving to him, or him moving to you, does he have that option and then still able to see his children as he does when he is living where he is now. I think the fact he gives you the silent treatment when you argue is not great as he is going to assume you are waiting for him to reach out, so you need to do a no contact for at least 45 days and if he reaches out to you in that time you need to ignore him to show you are no longer going to be ignored when he is angry or upset. Then from there you can start your friendship and build up gradually again. But looking at the long term plan if he is not willing to move to you, are you willing to move yourself to him

  18. joana

    December 24, 2019 at 4:11 am

    Hi im on my day 6 of my no contact with my ex. hope you can help me if im doing this right. we been together for 6yrs and we broke up because i found out that he is cheating on me and when i confronted him. he told he is undecided with me he told me he love me thought he just that know how much and he also told me that he will come back to me when he is decided. im really broken i hope he can clear his mind and come back to me please help. im stuck between hoping and moving on.. my anxiety is rising everyday

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 28, 2019 at 12:37 am

      Hey Joana, yes go into a no contact and dont let your ex treat you that way! He cheated on you, it should not be up to him if he wants to be with you, it should be you who is deciding if you want to take him back after his betrayal! Work on yourself and self esteem and self worth. Knowing you do not deserve to be treated that way at all!!

  19. Anabel

    December 9, 2019 at 3:17 pm

    I broke up with my fiancé because he didn’t know what he wanted. He cheated on my in about 5 months ago and we been trying to work it out but with all the ups and down he because withdrawn. He told me he doesn’t know what he wants in life and he didn’t want to break up and he didn’t want to fix the relationship. He told me that our home was broken and that he hated himself for hurting me. I try to work on it with him but his emotionally not there and I’m was just tired of being hurt. Durning the week our relationship was thriving than the weekend would come and he would disappear would not tell me where he went and would stay out until Monday than show up like nothing ever happened. I left our apartment and I’m staying at my sister house but this is very difficult for me we was together for 7 years and I don’t want to end it like this I don’t know what to do anymore please help

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 14, 2019 at 10:01 pm

      Hey Anabel, it sounds like your ex isn’t sure what he wants and maybe has gotten scared of the commitment you are about to make getting married. If you want him back then you need to work on becoming Ungettable and showing him that you are the best he could ever have had in his life. When we focus on becoming Ungettable we start to realise what we are worth and what we want in life, it also attracts the right things for us! So make sure you do read those articles and implement it into your life

  20. Sabrina

    December 4, 2019 at 4:10 am

    Hey guys,

    Will try keep this brief! 2 and a half years ago I became good friends with someone nearly 10 years older than me (I’m in my mid 20s). We got together a few months later (after establishing a good friendship) and I moved in with him. We were really happy and did everything together, became best friends and both felt we were meant to be. Diagreed a few times after 6 months of bliss together as I was unhappy in my job and stressed out with study.

    Got engaged nearly a year after being together, were very happy for a few months. Then with work I went onto nightshift and we started fighting alot and spending less time together (as I would sleep all day and work all night). The fighting got quite bad, we were both really hurt ans misunderstood but still loved each other. A new job saw me quit the job I had and move several hours away. My ex came to stay a few weeks later and that was the worst we fought, he was so nasty the whole time. I asked him to leave and said we needed a break to heal, broke up with him a few days later. He was very desperate and wanted to get back with me but would call and be mean and hang up on me (but then call me other times and be really happy and nice) I told him I was going to see other people and he should too, and after a few months when we had become more emotionally stable possibly see how things were looking.

    He became distant over the next few weeks and then one day just didn’t reply to me. My sister went and got the last of my stuff from his place and returned his keys to him for me (as he obviously didnt want to hear from me anymore). A week later his grandmother died and he didnt tell me, I found out from a family member and messaged my condolences, his response was brief and neutral… As he has ignored so many of my messages I’ve taken the hint and will not contact him again. Has been nearly two months.

    Can situations like this be recovered or is this a case of wrong person and learn and move forward? Advice please


    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 9:33 pm

      Hi Sabrina, I would suggest going into a no contact for some time (30 days) and not reach out to him for a while. And when you do it is going to have to be a text that is going to interest him and get you two talking on a positive note. Sending a message about his grandmother is not going to trigger a good time to have that conversation so understand why he was neutral and not chatty that time. So when you reach out you need to keep his interests in mind before texting and get him wanting to hear from you by ending conversations with him first.

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