Learn When The No Contact Rule Won't Work On Your Ex

748 thoughts on “When NOT To Use The No Contact Rule On Your Ex Boyfriend”

Mary

August 30, 2015 at 8:09 pm

Hello Chris,
During no contact, if you have your ex on whatsapp/facebook messenger/other messaging services, should you hide your online status from them so they kinda wonder where you are, or should you continue to let them see you’re online so they know you’re in contact with other people but not them?

Thanks!

Sally

September 2, 2015 at 9:25 pm

Hey Chris!
Why would you recommend we hide that we’re “online” during NC?

(Also, sorry Mary but you can’t turn “online” off on whatsapp, so maybe if it’s essential that we appear “offline”, don’t use it for a while?)

Thanks for all your advice and blogs Chris!
Chris Seiter

September 2, 2015 at 3:58 am

I would hide it.

Mariana

August 21, 2015 at 10:12 pm

Hello Chris!

My ex ended our LDR nearly 3 months ago due to the emotional, financial and time-related stresses. During the break up he told me he hopes we live closer to each other some day, several times.
I hadn’t heard of NC or you until 2 days ago, but the few times I didn’t contact him for a week or two he came running, telling me how great I am, how much he misses me, etc and then wen’t cold after 2 days every time
In case it matters: My friend saw him on a dating app a few weeks ago and it’s likely he’s at least talking to other people if not casually dating.

HERE’S THE INTERESTING PART:
He’s moving to my city in early to mid September to start a new job!
He found out last week and messaged me straight away. He told me how much he misses me, how great I am and how excited he is about living closer to me. We talked for a few days in a row (5-6?) and then he went cold again!

I hate to be the 1000th woman to ask this but:
a. What’s his deal?
b. Is it too late for me to implement NC?

Chris Seiter

August 25, 2015 at 8:21 pm

Did you read the post on LDR’s? Also it doesn’t sound like you’ve done no contact. He knows your there anytime he wants just like a toy so he’s going to play with you. He doesn’t value you, you have to teach him to do that. I think the NC will work if you do it right. It’s not to late.

iris

August 19, 2015 at 12:38 am

Hey chris!!

So first off i would like to say how much i am a fan! I hope u have ur popcorn ready bc this is a doozy! I need some of your great advice & some praise & polish of my master plan. Feel free to critique bc the TRUTH does not bother me.

So here it goes……

My name is iris & i had to break up wit my ex boyfriend this past march for him cheating. Typical , i know. I am fed up with his “flirtatious” ways and as far as my knowledge goes, this is his first time cheating since we “officially” been together. Alot of bad things hes done he did when we were on our “off” days … In other words we werre broken up so i technacially had no say so. But whenever we were broken up we we would of course be mad at each other for a few days i would chase him and we would be back at the old us….still having sex and spending time as if we wasnt just at each others throats. Not only is he my ex, but we also share a beautiful baby girl together and she loves her father & so do i but i cant keep letting well “allowing” him to mistreat me & betray my trust. RIGHT NOW the status of our relationship is we had gotten intp a tiff ovee pampers. Its a little more deeper than that but i didnt have money & i was forced to ask my childs father. I sent him a text asking if he could buy some . mind you, we already had tension goin on between us bc according to my ex i am “crazy”. And i send alot of text messages when im upset at him. Long story short he kept ignoring me when i asked him what time did he plan on bringing the pampers and i was upset abt that he can t simply give me a time barely even a response and that makes me angry when it comes to our child. Next thing u know im telling him to stay away from me and never speak to me unless its about her on top of stuff he did to me 3 years ago on top of a bunch of other stuff im still hurt about. He replies back in text “i hate you” then goes viral on his facebook and makes a mean status in reference to his “bm (baby mama)”. I was very hurt by this bc i am 100% against letting the world know about our problems especially on sociwl networks where his groupies are. Instead of retaliating, i blocked alot of his females friends they lurk on my page for info and i deactivated my fb so i won’t be tempted to post an “emotional status” throughout the mist of this i had already started the no contact challenge so i had to start over. I am now on day 5 & i must say i am DETERMINED TO SUCCEED! WHY!? Bc i am fed up at his lack of commitment and not puttting in time for our child as much as i do. And he used to be a great dad but it seemed like when i dumped him, he started to become a part time father which he would spend time with her less and get her less. Idk if it was out of spite towards me or not but it wasnt wise bc i am single young mother who struggles financially and pays for college out of pocket so i was forced to put him on childs support. Its so sad bc he and i are really happy in marital bliss when we arr happy but if i go thru his phone and see him texting abother female thats when all the drama starts. Sept. 4would make it our 4 year anniversary if we was together but were not. I am obviously desperate upset and hurt which is why im doing 45,days of not contacting him for anything. I completely ended all ties as well (hanging out and sex) bc both of us would get in our feelings and it became complicated bc he would start asking me back out to be with him and say things like he wants his family back but i reject him bc i dont trust him. Idk if hes just trying to get some act right bc we have child support court on sept. 2 or he really misses us. whatever the case is… I know that i wont have any slip ups on the no contact challenge. He has already tried callin but i never answered. I only respond to texts if hes asking to get our daughter. However i really want him to chase me. It would be nice for once to see him trying to pursue me again like he did before we first got together. I already made up my mind that this is worth it bc i still love him. I think about all day and night and i miss him but since i have such a busy schedule and im a mom , thinking about him and missing him doesnt really take much out my day which is great bc i try staying busy to keep my mind off of “us”. My 45 day is mainlt focused on me healing bc i hate when i get in my feelings about the relationship. Once i complete my 45,days i will then go into getting him to miss me by using the seduction technique. Of course i can’t look a mess whenever he gets our baby . 🙂 ive been eating better, working out and shopping and although its only day 5 i have to stay prepareed. I already know that I have my work cut out foe me bc my ex can have reactions like being stubborn and angry. Lets just say when we argue he normally has a behavior. Lol which validates to me that he still cares. My biggest concern is he finally got his own place and he has yet told me the new address…. Will he ever give it to me or will he use his mom as a mediator for us when it comes to.him getting our child??? Again, we have beem brokem up since march but april-aug we had slip ups of fooling around and doing “family outings” off and on and all that stopped two weeks ago. We havent spoke about our baby at all since aug. 13. I can garauntee you that im a KAI but most importantly im growing into becoming a new and improved iris whos goimg to get her ex to first chase, prove himself worthy of being first a great father then proving himself of being able to commit. Once he shows all that on top staying on top of his own life like being able to KEEP this new apartment of his i may consider us moving into a whole new apartment together. Like i already have my game plan mapped out but first i have to heal! I want to! Im using these 45 days on work ing on myself to the point i won’t even have to even bring up what he has done in the past. And of course not randomly call him and ask for sex. Yes our love in the bedroom is quite magical. Whivh is why our daughter is here. Im sorry tmi. But when u subtract his lies and hoes we have the perfect little family. He has apologized over the same stuff over & over again & my problem i let him off way too easy & way too soon. Not this time! I wont be the fool.this time! Let the games begin…. Love is a battlefield ?

Chris Seiter

September 12, 2015 at 1:01 am

Sorry for the late response…

So, any reason for why you are preferring the 45 days instead of the traditional 30?
iris

August 19, 2015 at 12:52 am

Im already completed my implantation task… Although i have 25% chance of succeeding at this my intuition tells me 100% and im will ing to do whatever it takes so day 3 sarah vs kai bring it on!!!!!

kate

August 16, 2015 at 10:00 pm

Hey,nice to discover your site… I have a little question: several years ago i lived abroad and i knew one guy, for one year we flirted and playing and it’s seemd like we were both in love but i was afraid and also too manipulative too and he left me and double punished. i became needy and everything possible, answer was all ignorng, Now since monthes I live in the same city and i asked him for help but he ignored me,he knew that I had maybe feelings nowdays (but I discovered he helped me secretly.) he had like friend-girlfriend and I decided to forget him,I have really funny and interesting life(now it’s seems like NC rule haha). I don’t want to make any status or comments about him on FB but 3-4 days ago I coutch him breaks my FB and it can only him,he checks with whom and when, what I do and I don’t like this,he’s really controlling.I upload a photo with status that it’s not allowed and now nothing is possible anymore and later I deleted it. I know soon or later he’ll come to contact but What can I do with this controlling and all those things ??
thanks

kate

August 17, 2015 at 9:45 pm

Is strict NC also for 30 days? I had him out of my had, I think from 25th July and I used to think that I would forget him forever but your site made me decide to change my tactic.
Thank you so much
Chris Seiter

August 17, 2015 at 10:06 pm

Yes 30 days. Your welcome!
kate

August 17, 2015 at 9:23 pm

I did it, but it doesn’t help I guess.. becasue I had years ego this situations, he knows computer very well and in old times I had a problems because I spoke with him another thing and another with my friends and he know in some cases I lied him. Now I check always what I write and I don’t say to anyone if I have some feelings or blah blah and I try to use Fb not too often.
Really I read here much and I think maybe one most important problem we had always was that I was too emotional and Gnat and negative about my feelings and when I wrote him that I needed help it was also nice huge SMS and Voice mail also,no answer but I lived for one week with our matual friend and he is neighbour and I heard at night outside the home friends of him was speaking all thing what I wrote him and loughed at me and him himself like my intagramphoto where it can see my breast,reall ironic!!
I can good flirting and I’m confidence and i had never problem with it,even if I’m not a perfect and I can be witty at chating but with him it was always too much because he left me without a word and he knows he has cards.

in five days or so I would like to write him sms,but I’m not sure which would be better, some joke sms,remembering sms,some short help asking sms or which?
do you think that we have real chances to get together or to recover our relationship?
thanks
Chris Seiter

August 17, 2015 at 9:35 pm

I think you will have to do strict no contact and work on the “neediness” before you can get back together. That should help your relationship a great deal. Also try to calm down with social media a little.
kate

August 17, 2015 at 1:04 pm

yeah I want him to stop checking and controlling me..even if I say to him I like him or not he does it anyway.(just sometimes harder)
I read other pages of you and now I know we both love these mind games….
How it’s possible that he stops this controlling and comes to action?
Chris Seiter

August 17, 2015 at 8:38 pm

Can you change your passwords?
Chris Seiter

August 16, 2015 at 11:49 pm

Im having a hard time following, what is your question?

Marah

August 13, 2015 at 3:40 pm

hello Chris. I need an advice. I am in long distance relationship and I want him back. I lost him because I said hurtful words to him and I think he get really hurts. He leaves without any single word. We never met. But we love each other. We talked 2-3 times a day. I said I will find someone that I deserve someone near me. But I don’t really meant it. I want to take back my words but I don’t know how. I started NC today and He started not contacting me 5 nights to now. I don’t know if I’m required to do the NC since it’s my fault. He was not supposed to leave me like this because it’s my fauilt also. I turned off my phone for a night and he’s still writing to me and when I woke up it started that I can’t reach him anymore. All accounts that he has was deleted. I keep messaging him through Skype, sms, and email but I get nothing. Also not answering my calls. But on the 2nd day he turned off his phone when I called. He really loves me, and I know he will miss me but I don’t know after what I did to him. Am I required to do the NC? He’s a soft man. He’s so sensitive. I don’t know the best thing to do to him. Sometimes I think telling sweet messages will make him smile and come back, and since he is sensitive if I do NC to him and keep his pride up. How if really not come back to me because maybe he will thinking that I really found somebody else. I need an advice. I want him so badly. It’s hard to start and end the day thinking. Because of any words from him. Should I text him that I was really not meant those words? Do I have to say how much he’s important to me?
Nomsa

August 1, 2015 at 8:41 pm

Hi Chris.

I broke up with my ex about 4 months ago and we’ve been talking regularly, can I still try the NC rule?

Chris Seiter

August 8, 2015 at 8:14 pm

Are you in the friendzone? What are your conversations like?

T

July 27, 2015 at 1:44 am

July 3 i got in a really bad confrontation with a guy I have been seeing for a while now. I left him a note while he was at work and caught him in a lie as I was leaving the note. He was beyond angry, he told me never to contact him again, don’t call,txt email or come to his work and to act like I don’t know him. He said he was deleting my number and have a nice life. The last few months he had been ignoring my txt messages but we still saw each other. Then he began to completely ghost me and I didn’t want to take my mind there until I caught him in a lie. I sent him one last txt the same day, I have not contacted him since that day ( July 3rd) . I found ex boyfriend recovery a week later and started to get the Sarah vs Kia emails. I have since purchased the twice as attractive guide ( the UG GIRL) and have really been soaking in the readings as much as possible. I have had no contact with him since the day after the incident so I have continued the no contact rule per lesson #10 (July 16th) . I am looking to purchase the ex boyfriend recovery full guide. I believe his reaction was the result of him being caught in a lie. I determined that this is a general/cheating break up and that he is EXTREMELY STUBBORN and ANGRY. What is the likely hood I will recover this relationship. I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately. I do love him more than anything. FYI I don’t think I could have remained sane if I had not come a crossed your site. SERIOUSLY thank you for this info.
Sarah

July 9, 2015 at 7:28 pm

Hi Chris

During the no contact rule should I shorten it if one of the big problems in our relationship was him not thinking I loved him? He thought that I didn’t care about him as much as he did for me (even though I did). Basically that I didn’t put effort into the relationship “like he did”. None of this is true but hes the type that its hard to convince him otherwise once he has his mind made. I want to eventually be able to show him that I still do care just as much. Should I text early or wait the 30 days still? Im getting scared that he is going to hate me.

Thanks

Chris Seiter

July 16, 2015 at 6:34 pm

I’d still wait the 30 days.

sweetie

July 3, 2015 at 11:40 am

hello chris..
I was in ldr with my bf since 4yrs 6months before we decided to marry but his parents didnt agreed but we still continued our relationship but he name our relation as a friend ship on other hand he says he loves me too he have mixed feelings for me..any how …we communicated by phone calls, video calls and texts and all thing were done which are use to be in ldr…10 days before he lied me that he was attempting his examinations but I caught him on fb disscussing with his cousine that they going to hang out with some girls…it hurted me the way he lied because I loved him lot and I never accepted this from him.. I appled nc rule on him 2nd day he texted me that he was sorry..7th day he wrote a full paragraph apologizing me for all he had done but I didnt replied him I disconnected all the ways of communication..today he called twice on my moms phone and said he wants to talk once but I didnt respond to him…what should I do now plz advise me should I response him or not…or I should continue the nc rule…plz reply I am waiting
Ags

June 16, 2015 at 2:57 am

Hi Chris!
I went through a break up about three weeks ago and at first I did all the don’t dos of texting and calling constantly until I finally stopped. I started no contact about ten days ago with a day of break in between where I text to say “happy birthday” and got a simple “thank you” back (I shouldn’t have but I would have kicked myself if I hadn’t) and on the eleventh day I got a text saying he wanted to see me about sorting out the stuff we had together at the flat we shared together. Obviously this was the only time I could officially break no contact because I thought he possibly wanted some more of his stuff back like furniture etc after he had moved outso I went to meet him for a drink. I text back short and to the point messages back and to my surprise he admitted that it wasn’t the reason he had asked me to meet him. He said he just wanted to see me again and it was great. We spoke a bit but not too much about what had gone wrong but mostly about what we had been up to etc. Then he said he wanted to meet me again for another drink soon. Your guide is very thorough and fool proof and absolutely priceless! Thank you!
Ags

June 11, 2015 at 8:46 am

Me and my ex broke up recently after being together for 3 years and and to begin with I was begging him and trying everything I could possible to try and make things right. We have never had an argument so drastic to the point of breaking up before and he was the one who ended it because he said he couldn’t take anymore. The details are a bit complicated but the argument was caused because he dropped a bombshell on me and I reacted to it. Since then it’s always been my fault and I can’t stop blaming myself for it even though he was the one who instigated the argument. He said to give him space to begin with and when I did two days later he turned around and said he had made up his mind and he wasn’t going to change it. He won’t give me a second chance no matter what I tried. I’m in day two of no contact I had to start again yesterday after 6 days of NC because I text him to say happy birthday (I know!). He’s the kind of person I feel that if he’s left to it he will just get on with his life like out of sight out of mind… Will the NC rule apply to him in his case?

Ags

June 11, 2015 at 8:59 am

I must state my reaction was only a verbal one not a physical one and the break up was very emotional. He never cries and he did

Alex

June 8, 2015 at 5:28 pm

Hey, My boyfriend broke up with me just a few days back, but since I was in quite a denial today is only my first day of the NC.
He told me he didnt think we were compatible enough 🙁
Anyway, my concern is, that he can be protective of me and tends to go a bit unstable (or just super worried, I guess) if he doesnt get responses from me after a bad event.
Or at least he used to when we were dating.
I wonder what to do if this happens when I avoid contact with him. Should I send a calming message saying I am alive or let him freak out. I dont want him to hate me, in the end.
Kate

June 2, 2015 at 9:01 pm

I am on day 5 of NC. Our relationship of 8 months ended about 3 months ago and had seen each other to talk 3 times in that three months which kept going around in circles with no solution or getting back together. I had never done no contact in these past 3 months. i have always been the one to say I’m sorry and initiate talking. We broke up over a stupid fight, but we had lots of fights over me wanting to spend more time together. Last week we had a big blow out about the circles and and he told me it was over and to move on, I haven’t contacted him at all since (which is a first for me). Today he sent a message that said, I’m sorry. This isn’t easy for me either. Hope you are doing ok. I desperately want to respond…. but I shouldn’t or should I? Do you think he’s regretting his decision?
JN

June 2, 2015 at 1:36 pm

During NC, what do you do when your ex texts you constantly (like every other day) to have the child call them?
Normally it’s only once a month he asks this. This only ever happens when I enforce NC. It’s annoying and he sends nasty messages that I am keeping her from him. The truth is that he only takes her 4 days a month and feels that’s enough.
I always let our daughter call or FaceTime her dad the second she wants to — literally.

How should I handle these texts from him, when I know it’s just his way to try and gain some control?

Chris Seiter

June 2, 2015 at 3:59 pm

You are allowed to contact him about the kids but it has to be about that.

Maybe no response but you just let your child call him.

Ajag

May 27, 2015 at 3:17 pm

my boyfriend broke up with me about a week ago. I read about the NC rule on your website and i wanted to try it. He has called me so many times today but i did not answer. He even sent me a text. He then tried calling my mum and she brought me the phone to talk to talk to him because she didn’t know what was going on. I have asked him not to call or text me again and he thinks i am punishing him by doing that. What do u think and should i go on with the NC?
Cory

May 25, 2015 at 9:32 pm

Heres my problem: My bf and I were together for 5 years. We had some various issue from him getting angry and running and me chasing to me having some trust issues. Anyway, over a comment he made on face book (He flirted) we got into a heavy fight and he broke up with me. When I met him he was very calm and told me we were done. That I pushed him to far. Well I ended up begging and telling him I would change anything, but it didn’t work. We were still done. So the following 3 days he moves out of our apartment, and I find out through a friend that hes looking on site to hook up. I wrote him a few notes, 1 telling him about our various issues on both sides and 2 that they were fixable. He was still not interested. and then I wrote him a more stern letter telling him that the faults in our relationship involved 2 people, not just me. Anyway I waited 2 more days, during which I tried to stay busy and went out with some friends. Well going on day 6 of our break up I broke and texted him. We had a ritual every sunday that we did, and I told him that he was missed. He wrote back telling me he was sorry for hurting me and hoped I was doing ok. I in turn wrote back telling him that he didn’t hurt me that we hurt each other and that sometimes it takes something big like this to make people realize their mistakes. During this conversation we both accepted each others apologies and ended it with, “hope you have a good day”. SO my question is, where do I go next? Our first text conversation went pretty smoothly I think.
Aavya

May 20, 2015 at 1:50 pm

Hi Chris!
I read all of the material you have written. Makes sense. However, I cannot really seem to get through my situation.
I had a relationship that lasted 3 4 weeks (a year back). But it was an amazing one. My no contact period stretched to some 8 9 months after which I contacted him on FB. he did not seem much interested but was courteous enough to reply nicely. We had small conversations twice or thrice, all initiated by me. After that we again had no contact for almost 2 months. Following that, he sent me a text and we had a chat where he expressed how he was wrong to not have continued with me. Also, that was all said when he was drunk. We have been talking since then. However, I have to start a conversation most of the time and he is the one to end it or just stop replying. I really want him to take that initiative as I feel i might be coming across as too desperate.
Can you please guide what the next step should be?
Thanks!

Chris Seiter

May 20, 2015 at 2:55 pm

I think priority number one is that you need to be ending conversations first.

Bean

May 18, 2015 at 6:02 pm

Chris met a guy on match – we have tons in common & hit it off great. Unfort we slept together right away & even tho our dates were great he freaked out and asked to slow down & date others as well. I said thanks but i deserve better – i said i didnt want to get serious right away but also did not want to be treated as an option so i ended it & said i didnt want to be just friends either. I should mention that he told me about a girl he dated that he was not physically attracted to & was just friends with but she kept wanting more) i said i am not that girl – i wont just be friends & wait around for him. I really liked him & wish we could get a restart cuz i think he really liked me. Btw his ex cheated he said he was damaged goods & should only date casually….

Here is my question – I was a week into NC and saw him back on Match – i saw he viewed my profile so i broke down & emailed him thru website – “surprised to see you come up as a match, lol – shouldnt u update yr profile to say – only seeking casual dating? ;)”

So did i screw up? I guess i need to restart the NC PERIOD?

Please reply!
Olivia

April 27, 2015 at 10:32 pm

I will be done and have completed the NC rule at the end of this month. My ex has left me anonymous messages on tumblr during NC and has only texted me once saying ” I hope everything going good for you” and after I didn’t reply he sent me another anonymous message days later (last night) saying “I’m still so sorry for everything. I really did love you with all my heart, I still miss you when I’m alone and you really made me the happiest I could have ever been. I promise I’ll get out of your life and out of your way. I wish you nothing but happiness in the rest of your adventures. Goodbye….” Then deleted me off of almost every social media. WHAT SHOULD I DO!!?? Do you think this Is just him trying to get me to talk to him or do you think he’s serious?? I don’t want to lose him. I hope that doing the NC was a good idea. I know you have thousands of people asking for advice and I would have used the voice question thing but my voice is gone from being sick. So I hope you’ll reply to this!
Jane

April 25, 2015 at 10:48 am

Hi Chris, my boyfriend and I are long distance relationship for two years. He broke up with me three months ago, I begged and even fly to his country to see him last month. He was so calm and cool when we meet up.i can feel that he doesn’t want to see me. The last text I sent him was 25 days ago, Is the NC rule still works for me now?