By Chris Seiter

Updated on February 2nd, 2021

There aren’t a lot of articles out there that really talk about when it’s time to let go of an ex.

The first thing that typically pops into my head when encountered with this scenario are external reasons.

But I often find that’s a dangerous line of thinking to engage in because I often find it’s the internal reasons that can be more dangerous than anything.

Today I’m going to be listing off seven signs that will help you know if you should let go of your ex.

Let’s begin!

How To Know When It’s Time To Let Go Of Your Ex

Letting go of an ex for a lot of people is a big step.

In fact, a lot of my one on one coaching clients are terrified of doing this because they think by doing so they are ruining their chances of getting their ex back completely. What if I were to tell you that the opposite is probably true.

That the more you want to get your ex back the less likely you are to.

Sounds strange, right?

The fact of the matter is that if you find yourself wanting your ex too much you are liable to act a bit crazier.

Sometimes it can be a good thing to let go.

Keep that in mind as I run through my list of seven ways to know it’s time to let go,

  1. You Are In An On Again Off Again Relationship And Nothing Ever Changes
  2. Every Text Attempt Is Ignored
  3. There Is Strong Evidence That They Won’t Commit Ever
  4. If They Are Only In The Relationship For The Sex With You
  5. Your Relationship Was Physically Or Emotionally Abusive
  6. No Matter What You Get Into A Fight And It Bleeds Over Publicly
  7. There Is Stalking Involved (Physically Or Electronically)

Let’s look at this reasons.

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#1: You Are In An On Again Off Again Relationship And Nothing Ever Changes

Initially this may seem like a strange reason to cite but I want to tell you a secret that I don’t really ever talk about on the site.

When people ask me what the easiest situation to get your ex back is I often cite on again, off again relationships

The problem with them don’t lie in the actual “getting back” of an ex but rather in prevention of another breakup.

Imagine a wheel for a moment.

As it turns it flips between being on and off.

That’s the problem with on again, off again relationships.

Nothing ever changes.

The wheel simply keeps turning

So, how do you know it’s time to let go of a relationship like this.

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Consider the original reason the two of you broke up.

By the third or fourth turn of the wheel is that reason still a reason that the two of you have broken up?

If it is then that’s typically a good sign that it’s time to move on.

#2: Every Text Attempt By You Is Ignored

In the end relationships are all about communication.

Now, I know some of you may read my best selling book and call my a hypocrite when you stumble across my teaching on the no contact rule.

However, even that is all about communication.

For me a nightmare scenario to be in is one where you do everything right and you still can’t get your ex to respond to your text messages.

Usually when I work with people I’ll go to great lengths to construct these amazing text messages.

Something like this typically,

Quick side note: I’m a huge fan of creating a lot of curiosity in text messages. My theory is that exes tend to be resistant to responding to you in general so you need to do everything you can to make every text you send interesting. 

The problem here is that you can come up with the very best text messages but if your ex isn’t cooperating and doesn’t respond then it’s all for naught.

If you’ve reached out to your ex three to five times with great text messages and haven’t gotten a response.

It might be time to let go.

#3 There Is Strong Evidence That They Won’t Commit To You… Ever

This is the antithesis of the on again, off again relationship.

Where that relationship is all about overcommitting this sign is all about under committing.

Have you ever dated that person that seems resistant to committing but they also do or say something that doesn’t rule out the idea completely?

In fact, How I Met Your Mother (the tv show) did an episode on this exact concept a few years ago.

However, instead of “failing to commit” they called it,

Being on the hook

Essentially it’s where someone mutters this phrase to you,

I can’t be with you… right now

Which ultimately really means that they don’t want to be with you but they like the attention you give them so much they are willing to give you false hope.

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You are “on the hook” for this person.

I can’t tell you how many men and women I’ve seen that are in this exact scenario but are completely blind to it.

#4: They Are Only In A Relationship With You For The Sex

A few months ago I was working with a client who was trying to get their ex back.

However, it seemed that all the advice I recommended, while good, seemed to fail.

It was a little baffling to me.

So, on a call with them I decided to re-evaluate their situation to see if I was missing anything.

Now, here’s the interesting thing about human beings. We tend to overlook significant things that we deem insignificant. After probing a bit I learned that almost every time this persons ex reached out there was some type of sexual connotation to the message.

Pretty soon I realized that pretty much the only reason that this persons ex was with them was for sex.

So, I decided to give my client a test.

I asked them to not engage in any kind of flirting or sexual innuendo with their ex and see what happens.

Predictably the ex grew very upset when they didn’t get their way and threw a tantrum.

People like this tend to be awful in relationships because while sex is an important part of any relationship it’s a little like building the relationship on quicksand.

If that’s all that you can bring to the table it’s going to get boring very fast.

#5: Your Relationship Was Physically Or Emotionally Abusive

Out of all the reasons this is our most common sense one.

To most of us this looks like common sense but you’d be surprised at how many people fail to see it that way.

They are often so desperate that they overlook serious things like physical or emotional abuse.

Either is unaccetable in my eyes

If you or your ex has ever abused or been abused it’s time to let go.

Plain and simple.

#6: The Two Of You Always Get Into A Fight Every Time You Talk

My first breakup ever was a lot like this.

Heck, I think a case can be made that my first relationship was a lot like this.

It seemed that every day I would get into a fight with my ex throughout our time together.

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Some of it was my fault and some of it was hers but when I look back at it all of these years later I just chalk it up to two immature people being in their first real relationship.

The funny part is that when I think back on my time in that relationship I remember there was a point where I literally thought to myself,

This is ridiculous I am literally getting into a fight with her every single day

Strong relationships aren’t supposed to be this way.

Fights will happen, sure.

However, you shouldn’t get into a fight with the person during every conversation.

If this happens with your ex AND YOU’RE BROKEN UP.

It might be time to move on.

#7 There Is Stalking Involved (Physically Or Electronically)

For the record this is probably the rarest reason on this list.

I’ve been doing this for six and a half years and can literally count the situations like this on one hand.

They do happen however.

And just so we are on the same page I’m not just talking about you.

I’m also talking about your ex.

If stalking has ever been involved with you or your ex it’s time to high tail it out of there.

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12 thoughts on “When It’s Time To Let Your Ex Go”

  1. Theresa

    January 5, 2021 at 5:59 am

    I was with my ex bf for a year. It was long distance at first until Covid happened then we were together everyday. Things were okay the first few months. In December I seen text messages on his lock screen from another girl. I asked him about it & he lied. Then in February I seen him get a notification from someone on tinder. I was upset & hurt cause I thought we were in a relationship. Later that day we talked & he admitted he cheated on me with the same girl I had seen messages from a month before. He said they were already together when he started seeing me & things ended with her a month ago. I expressed my feelings, told him I love & care for him. He didn’t say it back. We broke up & got back together a few days later, with things going back to normal. 5 months later things were different. He stopped calling me babe, didn’t text me during the day while he was working (far or near we would always text each other), slept with his phone in his pocket. I could tell something was off just by how he was acting. Saturday afternoon after he got off work we had to go back to our hometown so he can visit with his son. I again glanced at his phone & seen messages from other girls. On the drive down I asked him questions if he was seeing someone else. He snapped at me saying “he wasn’t cheating, just talking to people. He doesn’t want anything serious. Why do you think I haven’t said the love word to you. That I was acting like we’re married, we’re just dating. He needed his space & wants to be alone.” I asked “is that all it’s ever going to be” & he shrugged. Didn’t say anything else to each other for the rest of the 2hr drive. Didn’t talk for a week until I reached out. Told me he couldn’t give me what I wanted, but still wanted to see me. He thought things were good until I wanted more from him. Living 2hrs from each other was a concern for him. We had both brought up living together at different times before the breakup, I declined my contract renewal because I thought we were going to be living together. And it didn’t happen. I did a NC for a month then reached out to him. We have been talking everyday since, we play video games online, get food together every now & then. Nothing sexual has happened between us. I need to know if I’m being strung along because he’s confused? Have I been friendzoned? 2 months ago I told him I missed him & didn’t get the same back.

  2. Jeffrey

    August 18, 2020 at 5:32 pm

    We’ve been broke up for 7 months. She did me. No abuse, cheating or anything like that. Maybe money. We lived together. So, last weekend August 9th was her birthday. I’ve been in no contact for 6 weeks or so. I didn’t acknowledge her birthday or reach out. A few days later she unblocked me on Facebook after having been blocked for several months. So, when she did all the photos of us and everything she had tagged me reappeared. She has never deleted anything of us . Post, pictures etc. What does this mean and what should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 5, 2020 at 9:03 pm

      Hey Jeffrey, so when you didnt reach out to her on her bday it made her question what is going on with you and why did you forget her. Make sure that you reach out soon, but not too soon after being unblocked.

  3. Chloe

    June 27, 2020 at 8:07 am

    I’m finding it hard to move on, we went down hill and he fell out of love, I’ve met him 5 times since the break and meeting next week, we still talk but it’s only me making the effort, I need to let go but I’m struggling

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 27, 2020 at 7:34 pm

      Hi Chloe, have you completed a NC at all? Have you worked on your Holy Trinity, when meeting up are you hoping to get back together and he shuts it down? or are you being friends

  4. Maria

    September 5, 2019 at 5:36 am

    Hi Chris,

    My ex and I were in an on and off again relationship it seemed as though when things were going good he would sabotage the relationship by either doing something that he knew would upset me this happened so many times and when I would try to leave my ex would try to convince me to stay until last year when we broke up. Now I broke up with him because he told a lie to get me to break up with him, so 6-7 months go by and I reach out again but he keeps doing the same thing he did in our relationship which is not responding to some of my text messages in which he knows is a big pet peeve of mine in this scenario would you tell me to move on since it seems like no real growth has happened? I mean I’ve stopped talking to him and told him I need someone who is going to open up their heart to me which it’s so hard for him to open up without there being a conflict afterwards like him sabotaging our relationship

  5. Chelsea

    October 22, 2018 at 11:27 am

    My ex and I broke up 2 weeks ago and I have been practising NC ever since.

    We broke up because we had many arguments due to immaturity on my part. However he loved me very much and as a result we kept trying (on and off relationship). Although I was making progress there were still arguments and in the meantime he also grew more exhausted. He held on still though, but eventually I called it off because he started growing very exhausted and distant. It was a trying period towards the last few weeks of the breakup.

    I have a feeling that he still loves me, and I also feel that I am currently making changes to myself and my attitudes so that I can become more mature again. However, I felt discouraged when I saw that the 1) on and off as well as 2) frequent arguments were on your list of signs I should let my ex go.

    Do you think it is unlikely for my ex to want to reconcile again?

    1. Chris Seiter

      October 24, 2018 at 3:44 am

      HI Chelsea!

      Good job with the NC. I hope you are tapping into either my 485 page eBook, “PRO” or “The No Contact Rule Book” as it they will help show you the way.

  6. Jayne

    October 20, 2018 at 2:54 pm

    Hi my ex is my husband of 21 years he moved out 2 months ago and I did everything I should’ve I am now on day 2 of no contact I am addressing my issues and figuring out who I am the issue is i don’t know where to start. He asked for space I didn’t give him any so fingers crossed this no contact might work even though it’s been 2 months I’m hopeful because I have 21 years on my side any suggestions?

    1. Chris Seiter

      October 22, 2018 at 4:07 am

      Hi Jayne!

      I think NC is the best medicine. Just be sure you understand how to get the most out of the NC principle. I discuss in some detail in most of my eBooks (“Pro” and “The No Contact Rule Book”. So take a look at those resources as there is much more to it than people realize.

  7. Lisa Lamas

    October 19, 2018 at 4:21 am

    Answered every question I’ve ever asked that my ex avoided, the disregard for my feelings and lack of empathy and those damn silent responses. Its called breadcrumbing we are in no contact zone 2 days and 28 to go

    1. Chris Seiter

      October 19, 2018 at 10:44 pm

      Hi Lisa!

      Remember Lisa….the most important part of NC is taking care of “you”..healing…growing….and showcasing your value.