Most of the clients I work with want one thing above all,
They want to find a way to get their exes back.
So they try their hearts out.
But trying isn’t always enough. In fact, some of my clients will try so hard that they overstay their welcome and end up pushing their ex further away.
Today we are going to be looking at the scenarios for when it is too late to get back with your ex.
What do they look like?
How do you identify them?
What do you do if you do identify them?
Let’s begin!
What Has To Happen For An Ex To Give Up On You?
There are really four concepts I want to talk to you about today,
- The Triangle Theory
- You’ve Failed No Contact Too Many Times
- You’re Emotionally Unstable
- You’ve Trampled On One Of Your Exes Core Values
In my opinion, these are the scenarios where you are probably going to fail to get back with an ex. Now, some of you may be looking at this list and freaking out thinking that you are on it.
After all, what person is emotionally stable after a breakup?
Here’s what I have to say to that.
I’m talking about extremes here.
And while rules are always important to establish there are always exceptions to them.
So, technically speaking we can’t rule people who are in these scenarios out completely.
Just make sure you read each of these concepts in-depth before you go out and make assumptions about them.
Let’s dive in.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizConcept #1: The Triangle Theory
I’m always looking for new topics to do YouTube videos on.
You see, the trick is to not get too specific. You attract more views if you do videos about broader subjects. One thing I always see when hunting for good topics are videos on,
How to get an ex back if you are months apart.
How to get an ex back if you are years apart.
You get the idea.
Of course, I’ve compiled my own thoughts in my book about this topic but I always get curious to see what other people say and I never hear people talking about the triangle theory.
I don’t know if they are just too lazy to actually do the research or if they simply just want to disregard it’s existence but make no mistake it exists.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWhat Is The Triangle Theory
In short, the triangle theory refers to what your overall chances will look like with your ex after a breakup over time. It actually forms an interesting triangle if you chart it out,
Initially you’ll notice that your chances are pretty low but as time goes on and as you start doing the right things which is often overlooked you’ll notice that your chances inevitably will plateau.
In other words, if you are going to attempt to get your ex back ideally it’d be at this point,
But what happens if you don’t get your ex back at this point.
What happens if too much time goes by?
Well, inevitably your chances will become less and less.
There’s a reason why one of the most difficult situations you can find yourself in is one where you are trying to get your ex back after years apart.
Concept #2: You’ve Failed No Contact Too Many Times
I grouped concept one and two together because in my opinion they are very similar.
Where concept one is all about taking too much time to get your ex back. Concept two is about failing a strategy too many times.
A lot of people overlook small things like this.
Society has them conditioned to believe that it is ok to fail time and time again.
Lets take a strategy like the no contact rule.
One I have written about extensively.
Anyone who will have you believe that it’s ok to fail the no contact rule time and time again is dead wrong.
Here’s my reasoning,
Think of it like this.
Each time you attempt a strategy like the no contact rule and you break it, it’s probably going to lose a little bit of it’s power,
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThat visualization not working for you?
Ok, let’s pretend that you are playing someone in chess.
You use the same strategy every single time to beat them.
The first time you play you do end up beating them.
Heck, I’ll even give you the second game.
But once a pattern is established your opponent will wise up and start adapting.
Why would you think attempting and failing the no contact rule over and over again would be any different than this?
Concept #3: You Are Emotionally Unstable
Quick question, what happens when you do everything right to get your ex back but they can sense that you are emotionally unstable?
The Answer: They want nothing to do with you
When I was in college I met a girl.
I know that sounds like the vaguest opening so let’s try this on for size.
At that point it was probably the prettiest girl I had ever had the honor of taking on a date.
I don’t know if I had been lucky up until that point but any time I took a pretty girl on a date I always found that their internal personality matched their external looks,
This one was different though.
As I got to know her throughout the date she dropped a couple of bombshells.
- Her parents had died a few years ago unexpectedly and she was heartbroken
- Her sister was bisexual and was married to a man
- She was smoked pot every day (which is a big turn off to me)
The date got even weirder as she started acting very strange.
In the end, I came to realize that she wasn’t emotionally stable and while she was very pretty it didn’t overcome how much of a turn off her behavior was to me.
Now, does that make me insensitive?
Totally and I’m not ashamed to admit it.
It’s easy to see what happened here.
Her parents unexpectedly being killed crushed her and a lot of the “unstableness” I was sensed was from that.
But I’m selfish when it comes to my dating choices.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSo, I didn’t take her on any more dates.
Here’s my point.
The more unstable you appear to your ex the more likely they are to high tail it out of there.
Concept #4: You’ve Trampled On One Of Your Exes Core Values
Everyone has their proverbial line in the sand.
The point of no return.
Everyone has that one core value that they won’t substitute for anything.
For me, it’s cheating.
Essentially if someone cheats on me I have enough self awareness to understand I can’t forgive that.
Some people can.
Some people can’t.
It’s truly a personal preference.
What are your exes core values?
Can they not get over the fact that you flirted with those three girls over there?
What about the fact that you can’t stop lying to them?
Can they forgive those things?
Here is the dirty little secret my peers don’t want to let you in on. As sad as it is, there are some situations where there can be no success. There are some things that you can do to your ex that will ruin any chance you have of getting them back.
And it all has to do with that line.
What’s the one thing that can be done to them that will make them say enough is enough.
Like I said, for me it’s cheating.
If someone cheats on me that’d be it.
Where is your exes line?
And did you cross it?
Conclusion
I’ll admit that I was a bit vague on the last concept because there is so much personalization there so I wouldn’t be shocked if you had questions on it. If you do make sure you ask them in the comments below.
I WILL ANSWER YOU!
I promise.
Let’s do a quick recap of everything we learned today.
- There are typically four concepts I want you to keep an eye out for on if it’s too late to get your ex back
- The Triangle Theory
- You’ve Failed No Contact Too Many Times
- You’re Emotionally Unstable
- You’ve Trampled On One Of Your Exes Core Values
Again, I will be answering your comments so don’t be shy to ask whatever questions you have about the article.
L
December 4, 2024 at 5:25 pm
Its been 2.5 months since my ex broke up with me because he had mental health issues and needed space etc however it was blindsiding. we spoke a month after the break up and he was unsure of what he wanted and said ‘i dont want to say yes and i dont want to say no because that puts pressure on me’ on getting back together and then since then its been six weeks and i have just seen he has deleted pictures with me on his social media – is it too late to reconnect? He is a DA
Abby
June 4, 2024 at 1:31 pm
I obsessively texted my ex for two months after the breakup when he asked for space. I also regularly went to a bar that he showed me when he wasn’t there and that he asked to be his. I disrespected his boundaries that he set and I hate myself for it. I feel like I sabotaged everything when I just wanted to be friends eventually. Do I have any chance to recover and eventually reconnect?
Abbyac
June 4, 2024 at 1:29 pm
I couldn’t stop obsessively contacting my ex for two months after the break up after he asked for space. I also often went to a bar he showed me when he wasn’t there that he asked to be his spot. I started the no contact rule again. Is there any hope? Did I sabotage everything?
Ryan Watkins
February 18, 2023 at 3:21 pm
It has been a year we have not talked in a long time she cheated on me and then broke up with me we were engaged and together for almost 3 years I want to give it another shot but I don’t know how to talk to her Help me she has cut off all contact with me
Coach Shaunna Nicol
February 24, 2023 at 12:02 pm
Hi Ryan, as you have not spoken in a year I would suggest that you reach out as naturally as you can to rebuild connection and conversation. Do not approach her with an emotional topic. Just break the ice for a few weeks
Chloe
July 14, 2022 at 2:06 pm
My boyfriend left me 2 months ago saying that he felt there was something missing, he didn’t say it but when I said he had fallen out of love with me he didn’t correct me. Now he uses the term ‘loved’ when we have spoken. Over the two months I have contacted him around 4/5 times about cancelling a holiday, a ‘goodbye’ message, and giving and getting our things back. I tried explaining to him that we need to work on things not just run away, which I now realise I shouldn’t have done, but all he does it apologise and say he always loved me and will always care for me and wants the best for me. Should I start the no contact rule now, how long for? And should I keep him on social media or delete him? I want him back desperately, have never felt like this before and I know my worth but also feel that him not knowing what he wants and being scared of progressing the relationship is why we aren’t together. We were together for 3 years, argued now and again but always loved each other regardless. Is it now too late because I didn’t do no contact to begin with? Please help 🙁
Coach Shaunna Nicol
August 6, 2022 at 6:56 pm
Hey Chloe, so you leave your ex on your socials so that you can show how you are living your life, you also start your NC without telling him and stick with it. From what information you have provided in the text above I would say that you need to follow the no contact for 45 days no contact.
DD
September 24, 2021 at 1:48 pm
My ex and I spent 10 years together and have two wonderful boys together. She left me 6 months ago and basically the whole time I broke NC and didn’t give her the time and space she asked for.. I pushed her even further away and now she’s dating someone else and has been for a few months now.. I was insecure, clingy, jealous, and a little controlling at times. I have worked on these things and she says she wants to be friends still but idk what to do. I want to win her back and I want to show her that our relationship can be better than the one we had before.. but she isn’t in love with me anymore, she still has love for me but not in love. I’m stuck between going NC and staying in contact as friends and trying to rebuild a connection with her. IDK what to do I know I need to move on as she has and I know it’s not healthy for me to stay stuck like this but I really love her and want to show her how happy we could be together if she was just willing to try again. She says she doesn’t hate me, she says she doesn’t know if we can ever try again. She did agree if things felt different between us and we healed and we’re both single in the future then maybe we could try again… What do I do?
Ashley
January 30, 2021 at 11:27 pm
My ex and I in the beginning, we were very close and had a connection, we had very little fights and communicated. As time went on the fights got worse but I’m assuming that’s because we moved in really quickly together. Communication got worse then I feel like we just got comfortable and stopped doing things to keep the relationship going. Fast forward a couple days ago we got in a argument me expressing my feelings about something he’s doing and from there it went south. At first it wasn’t that bad until I broke one of his core values and this is one of the main arguments and I think it’s happened one too many times I don’t know if I have a chance we still live together unfortunately well me leaving every couple of days. He has the means to leave but won’t what does this mean because he says he’s fed up and done and he’s said this before so you can see that I’m very confused and I’m very stressed because I’m not in the know.
Ashalee
January 30, 2021 at 11:16 pm
My ex and I have been having the same issue over and over but we always end up getting back together but this time I think it went too far. I’m very afraid for the outcome and don’t know what to do.
Bethany
January 27, 2021 at 7:25 pm
So , my ex broke up with me a few days ago. He said he needed to focus on himself and his children. (He has two boys).
The time we have spent together has been amazing, we have been inseparable, get on like a house on fire.
He makes me laugh, smile and feel so safe and In love like I never have before.
Unfortunately, I lied to him a few weeks back about talking to another guy, it was a mistake and I never intended to hurt him.
He promised me that we would get past it, he told me that he knew I didn’t mean it, that he knew I was sorry, he knew I loved him and if I could take it back I would.
We have just had a lovely weekend together, cuddling til 5 in the morning watching UFC, grabbing a takeaway mid afternoon, making love, laughing and generally enjoying each other’s company.
Then that all changed, he received a phone call from his ex telling me that his child doesn’t feel loved , he is 7 and she has stopped him from seeing my ex as a result of COVID and her being pregnant with baby number 3.
This has sent my ex into termoil.
He very quickly made the decision to break of off with me. He said he needs to focus on him and his boys.
He told me it’s over, then a couple of days later has told me he misses me, he just wants a cuddle but he knows that it can’t happen.
He’s told me he is hurting and is heart broken.
Then he says “it is too late”
What do I do?
I’m devoted to him.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 2, 2021 at 8:44 pm
Hi Bethany, I understand it is difficult to understand that he needs to spend this time focusing on his children, however when he is struggling to deal with parent guilt from being apart from his children. You mention that the mother of his son is pregnant, is that also his baby that is on its’ way? If so then is there a possibility that you were a rebound? ( A rebound being he got with you quickly after their break up)
Karin
December 9, 2020 at 6:06 am
My ex broke up with me about 8 months ago, saying something was missing. He wanted to stay friends but I said I couldn’t do that. 6 months ago, we stopped communicating.
I spent the time working on myself; I’m in great shape. I have been out on some dates. But I miss my ex.
I texted him a few weeks ago and we went for a walk, but he told me he is seeing someone else. They just started dating, and he isn’t sure if it has long term potential.
He still has feelings for me but he had come to the mindset that we would never see each other again, so he isn’t going to throw the new relationship away just for me. He said he needed three weeks to think and figure it out.
Should I just move on?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 14, 2020 at 9:14 pm
Hi Karin, so your ex has been honest and told you that there is someone else he is potentially interested in. I would suggest that you find and read the articles about the being there method, and there are also videos for you to watch too.
Lilliana
September 13, 2020 at 2:02 pm
My ex and I have been apart for 10 years now with no contact whatsoever. We’ve both been married since then and proceeded to have families. But lately I can’t stop thinking about him, I don’t think I ever stopped thinking about him. There’s so many mistakes that I’ve made when we were dating that I regret. He dumped me because of my neglect and he met someone else. For me I do believe he is my soulmate, I’m guessing he is happily married. I would love to establish contact again but I don’t even know if it is possible at this point. We live in opposite sides of the country and we are not friends on any social media, except for LinkedIn. I feel like I’ve never really fought for anything when I was younger because I’m afraid of rejection-it would hurt so much if I tried everything to get him back and in the end I am still rejected so I never tried to get him back for even really questioned him leaving me. I have always felt that if it was meant to be it will be. I’ve dated a number of people after we split and found my husband but I’ve never felt the synergy with anyone the way that I felt with him. At this point in my life I feel like if I don’t voice my feelings for him I’d regret it forever! I don’t want to ruin my life or his but I am so unhappy right now and all I can think about is him, I feel like we just broke up; the feeling is so raw. I should also mention that several years ago I found out one of his brothers has died and I sent him a note expressing my condolences (the message was sent couple year after his brothers death because I didn’t know) but I never gotten anything back from him. I don’t know if it is too late to do anything now and if it isn’t I don’t even know how to start conversation.
Janie
September 6, 2020 at 7:38 am
My ex boyfriend ghosted me out of nowhere in feb and I never chased him or asked why. I basically matched his silence and went no contact. Fast forward to last month I couldn’t take it anymore and asked what happened. He basically said he knew I was cheating on him. I was so confused as I never ever did. I loved him with all my heart. But I know the reasons why he thought I did. I’ve explained to him and tried showing him proof I never did but he’s been very cold and distant. I’ve given him space but I don’t know what else to do bc he already said I didn’t care about him. How do I fix this?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 10, 2020 at 8:47 pm
Hey Janie, starting with a no Contact and allowing some time to pass so he is less angry and upset with the situation, I know you say you didnt cheat but it sounds as if he does not believe you so allow him some space before you reach out to him again
Tiffany
August 18, 2020 at 8:24 pm
My girlfriend and I broke up about 2 months ago. She kicked me out because she was seeing another girl. We did have conversations after where she just kept saying she didnt know what she wanted and didnt know if he could get past all the lies I told her which led to her being with someone else. Basically filling the void that I couldnt fill. Now she is depressed and said she needs time. I am willing to give her time, but I am concerned that there isnt a chance for us to make things work. I dont want to lose her, and I know a lot of people say that. At the end of the day she did make me a better person, but we did have a lot of struggles through out our 2 year relationship that should have been stretched out over a decade. I thought we could make it through anything and now this has made me realize all my faults in the relationship. Is it too late to implement the no contact rule to get her back? Does she even want me back? She just keeps telling me when i ask if she wants to work in things out slow “not right now” and she doesnt want to give “false hope” Please help.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 5, 2020 at 8:49 pm
Hey Tiffany, I would suggest that you work on yourself and stick to a no contact for 45 days. I think the not right now and the false hope is a sign they are not interested at the moment But if you work on yourself through the Ungettable information your ex is going to start realising they’ve lost someone great in the mean time. But don’t allow yourself to be the back up plan. Date, socialise show yourself you are moving on with your life.
sam
May 24, 2020 at 1:47 am
My bf and i broke up about two months ago but for the first month and a half we would still talk all the time and hook up. we decided to take a two week break and not talk. the day before the two week no contact was over i saw him out. He didn’t want to see me but i begged him to talk to me. he told me he didnt want to text me and see me right now because he had stuff going on in his life. a week later i got drunk and started texting him not stop GNAT. he ended up blocking me on facebook instagram phone and snapchat. I went to his house that night and begged him to come to the door for almost three hours and i finally had one of my guy friends pick me up. I am also worried that he thinks I had hooked up with my guy friend and i never would. I felt awful about it in the morning. i texted him on linkedin and appolgized to him and he responded and said i should applogize to his friends not him and for me not to come back to his house. I feel like he hates me and never wants to talk to me again. I decided that I shouldnt text him for 45 days because I knew he needed space and i didnt want to ruin it even more. Is it too late that I annoyed him so much for him to block me and feel like he never will unblock me and not have anything to do with me again? I want to delete all my social media because it is stressing me out knowing that I am blocked.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 29, 2020 at 3:00 pm
Hey Sam, if you want your ex back then I would suggest that you keep your social media and spending some time working on your Holy Trinity and being Ungettable so that you can use social media as a window into your new life without your ex. This is going to be useful when you want to show your ex that you are moving on with your life. When you have completed your 45 day No Contact, reaching out to your ex with the texting phase you need to be in total emotional control and understand that it can take time if your ex blocked you on some social media platforms. You will be unblocked when your ex sees that you are no longer reaching out and are less upset about the break up
Tan
May 14, 2020 at 9:29 pm
My gf broke up with gf 5 months ago. Im a girl at 25 she is 26, we were together for 4 years. We keep in touch a little (im the one indicating contact almost every time). She has been pretty ”off” in my opinon. Have not showed so much interest in me, my life or well being. Just to focus on herself. We spoke a couple of times by phone. She said she loved me still. We love/loved each other very much and didt have many problems. Even she told me that our years together has been the best time of her life. And it has been. Thats why the break up was such a chock, to me and everyone elese. She broke up with me to be with herself. Be free and only focusing on herself and what she wants to do and achive. Which I totally respect and actually belivie in (if you know her you would to). She has been away abroad for 4 mothns, she came home 2 weeks ago and we met to take care of the last things in our apartment. It was emotional, is was just like we were together again. The same feeling. She told me as well. We talked about us, what we want in the future (which is the same things but I have come to that point now that I want it as much as her. I just have not showed her enough before I think). She wanted to leave some stuff behind, see what the future holds. Told me that if she feel the same this autum she maybe want to date again. We kissed and huged eschother many times. Said that we love and care for each other and that we will see each other again. It was pretty beautiful actually, sad, but beautiful. 1,5 week has now passed and I asked her if she wanted to take a hike someday, and she hesitated. Said that she still loves me but its to soon. She really want to focusing on herself and dont want to be in a relationship over all. Just do stuff she wants, for herself. She does not want me to ”wait” for her. But nothing know what the future holds… So here I am, again. Starting from the begining. Im not mad at her. Maybe I should, but im just sad, because I deeply belivie it does not have to go this way. I know what I should do, what I have to do. For myself. I just cannot do it. If you really really belivie in something, if the relationship actually was very beautiful the whole time, how are you suppose to let that go? I’ve read every article about this on the whole internet and Im still not even close to actually let go.
I know you cant do magic, but please. Give me just one advice on what to do? I would rather have advice on how to get the love of my life back, but i guess you will give me another answer…
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 20, 2020 at 8:33 pm
Hi Tan, so there is not magic wand where I can give you the answer to how to get her back. But I can tell you that when we focus on ourselves, become the Ungettable Girl to our ex this makes them notice us again and consider what they have lost because we are doing amazing when they are feeling less than. If you have not done so then you would need to complete a 30 day No Contact, where you do not speak, reply or social media stalk your ex at all for that period of time. Then you focus on your Holy Trinity and prepare yourself for the texting phase. The texting phase needs to be short, positive and her interests in focus for a little while so that you spend your time working up the value ladder to re-attract your ex.
Rebecca
May 11, 2020 at 6:12 pm
I broke up with my boyfriend 3 months ago because I couldn’t let go of the past. I needed some time to figure things out. We have been in contact since the breakup because it was always so much fun. He wanted to fix things so badly but I just wasn’t ready to give it another try, he said that he was going to wait untill I was ready. Now I am ready but he met someone else. Is it too late?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 12, 2020 at 8:48 am
Hi Rebecca, I don’t know if it is too late you would need to do the being there method. However ask yourself if you are only ready now because you fear he is moving on from you? Not that you actually want to be with him.
Jen
April 26, 2020 at 9:49 pm
My ex broke up with me 3 months ago because he thinks I am too friendly. I love him and would never cheat on him. We have been in contact since the break up and have had sex on several occasions. I miss him and want him back but he says that we are too different and now doesn’t even want to be friends.
Jess Alvarez
March 25, 2020 at 1:31 pm
Hello Chris,
It feels like it’s too late to get my ex back although we still live together. His reason for breaking up is wanting freedom. We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms and he’s been wanting to be friends. Asking me to hang out casually. I’ve tried no contact before but he reached out during it and I had to break it due to external complications so it failed big time. We’ve both crossed relationship boundaries, so he’s adamant on not trying to make a future with me. Our lease ends in a month and half and he’s ready to move on without me after that. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to lose him as a partner and I don’t want his friendship.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 28, 2020 at 4:33 pm
Hi Jess, so when you live together you have to do something called limited no contact. This is where you stay civil but you do not spend time with him as a friend etc. Try spend more time with your friends than with him so that you are keeping busy and showing him that you are moving on with your life. For him to not see a future with you after you have reached a point of living together in your relationship, I am wondering what has changed. Do you want different things for the future? Read the articles about Holy Trinity and becoming Ungettable and see what you can apply to your life, I understand that times to do some of the activities are going to be difficult during the pandemic
Chaz
March 9, 2020 at 10:00 pm
Hi
So my ex broke up with me 12 months ago. It is virtually impossible to do no contact as he mails me every few weeks. We only talk as friends. What can I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 10, 2020 at 10:18 pm
Hi Chaz, it is not impossible to do No Contact, as all you have to do is not reply to his email… ignore it. Make sure that you do not speak for 30 days in total and then reach out with a text or email that Chris suggests
Peyton
February 9, 2020 at 4:51 pm
My ex and I were together for 2 and a half years. We’ve been broken up for a year now and when we first broke up he got into a rebound relationship but it only lasted 2 weeks and he hasn’t been with anyone since. We stayed in contact and continued to hook up after he broke up with the rebound but we still fought a lot because I had a lot of insecurity and frustration because he kept telling me he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I cut things off finally and I stopped contacting him for a month. After the 30 days I texted him and apologized for our last fight that we had before I went no contact and I told him that I hope things are going well for him but that I’m not ready to be in contact with him yet because I still needed to work on myself for a while. He accepted my apology and said he was happy to hear that I was working on myself finally and that he hoped things went well for me too but he understood that I still needed space to work on myself and that he felt the same way (he needs space too and wants to keep working on himself too). I’ve been trying to get him back for a year should I give things more time and reach out to him when I feel like I have become the ungettable girl and I’ve had time to heal and work on myself or should I just give up on trying to get back with him because he’s moved on by now?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 12, 2020 at 9:39 pm
Hi Peyton, so if you have been trying to get your ex back for a year, have you followed this program or have you just been reaching out and hoping for the best? I believe that if you do a no contact then reach out with the type of text Chris suggests where it is supposed to get your ex interested in having a conversation with you