What Your Ex Says Vs. What They Mean- The Comprehensive Guide

909 thoughts on “What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Really Means”

Zara

October 19, 2015 at 8:10 am

Hi Chris,

Thanks for coming up with the website. It really helps the distressed mind while looking for answers. I will try to keep this short but I am not sure how successful I will be.

Mine was a relationship that was 4 years long. Long distance. It was great initially but my ex is the kind of guy who molds his personality to everyone’s liking when he meets someone new (has many friends but one or two know the real him). Despite being a long distance it went well. However, he is fickle minded and keeps questioning everything. I too was discovering him over the course of time but we started to grow apart because of circumstances and one day he said he does not love me anymore and moved on while we were still together (this is really bad. He mentally distances himself months before and then when he thinks he is comfortable with the decision, he breaks up). What followed was endless “I will never you again”, “I will not see you that way again. Trust me.”, ” I have moved on, I am over you.”. He even like another girl (new is always better for him) but soon he started feeling like he judged me too soon and I was not what he thought and (very reluctantly. He tried very hard to resist) he fell for me again. This happened around one and a half years ago.
This time, he went all in. Very serious, he did not realize that I needed my time to regain the trust he once broke. I guess it was this feeling of being vulnerable that he could not take anymore. He got this mental block that I do not prioritize him and he is not as significant in my life as I am in his. Very stubborn by nature, after a year he said he is not feeling it anymore and does not love me at all because he felt more bad than good in the last year. This is the same man who was very serious about getting married. He broke up with me just like that. And all he keeps saying is “It has been long and I cannot see you that way anymore”, “I can only be a friend to you anymore, nothing else”, “We will never happen again”. His actions show he is afraid to lose me but his words say something else. Keeps saying that he does not take me for granted and all that. Gives me all the attention he used to. Recently, I found out that he was trying to pursue someone else (clearly a rebound) and that did not work out but he hid that from me. He tried to. I don’t know why. Maybe because he knew I would stop talking if I got to know. Anywho, I was extremely hurt and very tired of this confusing behavior. He felt like I was over reacting because he always “said” we will never happen again. On one hand it felt like he was afraid of losing me but on the other, he seemed to go out of his way to hurt me. (he wore a gift from me to see this new girl who was not his type at all. It seemed like he was desperate.)

I cut all ties with him and he let me because it was the right thing to do, apparently. I am very very VERY confused. I need SOME clarity. I do not understand how I can be precious to him but be seen as replacable, how he can try to pursue any girl but still want ME close, how he can like me but not want to get back, how he can hurt me going out of his way. I do not understand what he means by “For a long time., I have not seen you that way. I can only be a friend. I will definitely not love you again.”. It is so confusing.

Please let me know if you have ANY inputs at all. I REALLY need them.

Thanks in advance. 🙂

Zara

October 21, 2015 at 6:47 am

Hey,

You replied. Yay! 🙂

So he has been saying this stuff for the past 4 months now. Since we broke up. He said it the last time we broke up too. He was the one who walked away both times. He seems pretty adamant this time.

For someone who just fell out of love and cannot see my “that way” again, he did not want to cut contact ever. Always said that that would be my call. He says that I am close friend and he is comfortable around me and can say anything to me. For the first two months, he used to flirt too. But then every time that happened, he would immediately withdraw because it was not appropriate and he said he made himself feel guilty.

When he said something nice or sweet and if I said “Hey! You have not done that in a long time! Its nice.” he would say stuff like “The girl who made me do it went away”. He used to constantly be like “Why didn’t you do this when we were together? Why didn’t do that when we were together?” and when I said I am doing it now and it was the circumstances he kept on repeating “It does not matter now. It is too late now. I don’t care about it now.” (then why bring it up all the time?!).

We had a little showdown 2 months ago when he again said that friends thing and that he has moved on and all (he talked to me all the time, flirted, withdrew, kept asking why I wasn’t this way earlier and then said he doesn’t care anymore.).

After that he stopped flirting (I didn’t talk to him for 3 weeks after the show down). But you can sense when a guy is attracted to you. He abruptly stopped complimenting me but every now and then he hinted on how he wished to see me. He tells me when he is disturbed or has a bad day and when i do something to cheer him up, he simply does not acknowledge. He tries pursuing this other girl meanwhile but he started talking to me more during this. He deliberately hid this from me but tried asking me if I have someone.

A peculiar thing was one of his friends met me and he too did not say anything about the new girl. In fact, he was reluctant to say we were not together and said “you are special to him.” in a btw manner. He kept asking me if I met someone new yet. Was very weird given that I had not talked to this friend of his for a very long time and all this was out of the blue.

Finally, 2 days ago, I found out about this girl he tried to replace me with when he told me very reluctantly. He kept saying “Nothing is going to happen between him and the other girl now but he liked her.” I had had too much. And then when he started with a “I can only be a friend to you anymore. It has been long I have not seen you like that” I was furious.

Ironically, this was just after a conversation in which he was apologizing to me for something and was telling me how it might seem that he does but he does not take me for granted at all. It was genuine.

I told him I could not be a part of his life. Ranted out too. He was emotional, I could say. He didn’t say much. Just thanked me for everything and said he knew he will never have someone go to those lengths for him. Then he added that he will say more to me some other day but not today. and that he hoped to bump into me some day.

We have not talked since. It has been 2 days. I am super super super confused. His words are crystal clear but his behavior is not.

I know I have typed a lot. I’m sorry for such a long reply. Just felt like giving you all the information since I am so out of answers! 🙁

Thanks. 🙂
Chris Seiter

October 20, 2015 at 9:48 pm

Glad that it has served as a safe haven for you.

When did he say this exactly?

How recently?

Lea

October 18, 2015 at 11:17 pm

Hey Chris, just wondering if hot & cold behavior always means the guy is a player or if there could be other reasons? Maybe you could do a post on the reasons if so…and give us some insight pretty please.

Chris Seiter

October 20, 2015 at 9:32 pm

There definitely could be.

He could be being hot and cold on purpose to test and see if you are still into him.

It could be part of his makeup and that’s the only way he knows how to get girls.

Titan

October 17, 2015 at 1:20 pm

My ex fiance broke up with me two years ago. She had a kid by another man and I accepted to help her when the dad bailed. Her and myself have been off and on for nearly ten years and when we broke up last I had cheated on her online with other women. I was injured severely at the time and I wasn’t thinking right. She accused me of doing things with her sister and I let her believe it even though it never happened. I’ve acted pushy and crazy lately and she still wants me around. She says we will never get back together because she thinks I cheated with her sister but I’ve noticed our relationship growing some before I started feeling maybe I should walk away. Yes I’m male I know but the situation seems reversed here. She thinks male and I think female. She told me “you’re the liar who says never give up” after I asked her if she wanted me to be an honorable gentleman who is there for the kids and her. Though she says there will never be another chance it seems after all this she still wants me around. Oh she dated another guy as sell for maybe a week then broke up with him to keep me from walking away. Opinions?

Chris Seiter

October 18, 2015 at 11:29 pm

Did you check out my other site,

Ex Girlfriend Recovery?

still confused

October 16, 2015 at 6:53 pm

What about a guy who says I love you for months, and when you finally say it back, he ends it. But then keeps wanting to come back have sex to then only tell you after that he doesn’t want to be with you. You tell him to leave and he doesn’t, he just wants to stay and continue to tell you how much he doesn’t want to be with you? Then he calls again a few months later. I’ve finally stopped seeing him but trying to figure out what the hell was going on!

Chris Seiter

October 17, 2015 at 12:19 am

He’s was trying to use you. Sounds like a player to me. If you ever plan on dating him again, I’d advise to hold out on sex. See if he sticks around. Personally I don’t think this guy is a good guy. I’d rather see you end up with a good guy.

adrianne

October 15, 2015 at 10:40 pm

So my boyfriend and i have been together almost a year andwe have been hae been fighting
A lot. He said that i have a chance at getting him to fall back in love with me, but i need to really be more positive and happy go luckyand that hes going to be looking for someone else. What do i do in this situation we live together? How can i get hi to love me again.

Chris Seiter

October 16, 2015 at 3:11 am

Well, that depends.

Will you be trying the no contact rule?

Eliza

October 11, 2015 at 12:43 pm

Can you please help me?
I’ve dated my boyfriend for over 2 years (and 4 months) things were going great. And then a few days ago we got into a fight. He broke up with me. At first I nagged about how I had done nothing wrong. Then stopped because he told me to leave him alone.
Messages would go back and fourth like
OK
Alright
For sure
OK bye
I would say ok, as bye was hard to yet he would reply again with a ok. This followed to the next day where I thought things would cool off and we’don’t get back together. Yet he still said he was done. So I stopped replying again
Later that day he would come to send me texts about if I’m texting a new boyfriend,why am I telling people we broke up, and things like ifI could drive him to work,givehim his work uniform exc. We didn’t verbally talk to each other till the end of the day. I never showed him the pain I was in. Yet even though he said not to text him talk or see him. While I was talking to a “security” gaurd(we were in school) he came up behind me and basically joined our conversation. Basically commenting that he finds me pretty,smart, and that he trusts me. Yet when I have an attitude he thinks I can be a little ugly inside. (We all have that don’t we?)
Everyone tells me he will come around
Give it time. Only one person tells me to move on yet she hates him.
The next day after that,he would come to contact me. And I would think he’s coming around. Asking how I am, how I feel, what I want in life
Normally I would say I want him and us this time I didnt. I didn’t tell him how sad I really was. Or how much I cried when I got home. That day followed tho with responses like I hope you get that. Later he would ask me to pick him up, So we could chill or talk however my parents wouldn’t let me (we are both 17). He asks me what I want to do and I make it very clear I can’t do what I want. I can’t hug him or act as if we were never together.
He told me friends can hug and hang out and when I said no because I know he doesn’t feel the same about me anymore
He askedhow I was so sure? I responded about how he doesn’t show or say it so I won’t use my energy to ask or beg. This was his decision. But I am forgiving I don’t hate him. So I wouldn’t ignore him as our break is like loosing your partner best friend and family all at once.
The day would then lead to him still texting me as the messages went to
Ok(my name)
Alright(his name)
OKay baby
This is normally the time I would ask him if he meant it if we were together or exc. I could have easily said for sure babe.
But afraid of rejection I said I think your having a moment(like he wrote that out of habbit) and that maybe we shouldn’t talk now.
He responded with an
OK bye
And after some time, I began to regret my response. That could have been the moment he was coming around. I would go on to text him about how I didn’t respond that way because I didn’t care but I won’t put myself up to be rejected. I do love and care for him. And when I said I’d be there for him no matter what I meant it. But he can’t call me baby or act like nothing has happened.
Later he would reply to me saying he had no desire to associate with me.
And while I said if that’s what you want then fine.
He would respond back with
Stop texting me (I didn’t reply)
He would go on to say stop texting me!
Again. I sent a screen shot showing I didn’t not respond to him and added no words.
2 hoursafter once I was ready to sleep he would text me withstop why did I snapchat him.
Though I responded I said I wouldn’t keep up with this game and respect his wish not to speak to him.
He would respond with an OK and I the same.
He did not reply throughout the night. Nor did I send another text.
I know this may be feeding his ego. He may and probably is using me as a rebound. But it is very hard for me to ignore him. As in the past before we dated. I “saved” him more than once. He feels like family. And we’ve known each other for four years. I know his every secret. What makes him tick and laugh. And I know the way he reacts when we fight. Our first few months the together I constantly broke up with him and he would begin for me back
I will not like that it fed my ego made me feel special. We would get back together and the last time I would break up with him we took a 2 weeks seperation. From then on I never broke up with him again. As in a way I learned what I did to him was not fair if I truly love him.
Every relationship has its problems and our latest one is that the tables had turned and he breaks up with me now. We would normally be back together in a few hours maybe a day. This is stretching on for the 4th.
I am starting to believe that this the real thing. It’s heart breaking. But you can’t ever force someone to stay with you.
The first day he claimed to not want to hear of me see me or come near him. Yet he approaches me. He still contacts me after saying bye. And hasn’t said anything like I hate you, I can’t stand you, your not what I want, I don’t need you, I don’t love you, yet he hasn’t said he’s missed me or loves me.
I know it’s not possible to stop loving someone in a few minutes. Or days. But I have not begged for him. Or us. Or really even asked him if we should work things out and call this a break.
And even tho he says he doesn’t want to associate with me, he hasn’t blocker me from snapchat or unsynced our phones or gmail or deleted our pictures.
I know most people, would say to move on he’s playing games and it sound exagusting.
However I at some time did this to him and he was also able to fight. And not make me pitty I would agree the breakups were out of anger and me thinking he didn’the matter as I had yet to really fall in love ( I had many walls and was emotionally distant _ he helped me recover and get in touch with my feelings) but if there’s a chance to work things out. I will be patient. And forgiving. However his signals and behaviour is so different from any other time. I have 75% convinced this is it for us.
Lana

October 7, 2015 at 5:52 pm

What about if he said “I don’t think we should see each other anymore” and “You deserve someone who’ll give you the time you want and need”? What does that really mean?
Jennifer

September 29, 2015 at 9:42 pm

What about “your a nice girl just not the one for me” “I don’t think we should see eachother anymore”, “It’s over please understand”, “I don’t think friends will work. Please just walk away”. Do those all sound like he means it or just annoyed? Your feedback would be greatly appreicated. Thank you.

Jennifer

October 1, 2015 at 9:44 pm

About a little less than a year
Chris Seiter

October 1, 2015 at 5:57 pm

How long did the two of you date for?

Somer

September 29, 2015 at 7:23 pm

Hi Chris, I read your ‘we are never getting back together”. I wonder if you can help me. I am confused about whether to move on or try to get back with my ex bf. You see, my long distance ex bf dumped me 6 months ago because of my insecurity issues. But we still communicate every now and then. We met twice over lunch since the breakup. I did ask about getting back together. At first he said give some time, then he said if God wanted us to be back together then let it be. After that he said we can’t live together and that we can get back together again. I am confused because despite all what he said he still support me financially. Now, I am the one who initiate contacts. He hardly calls or texts anymore. Its getting very difficult to get him on the phone, even if I manage to get him or he called back after an hour or so, he tried to cut the conversation short. When I asked him if he didn’t like me calling or he has someone new. He would replied that I can call him anytime. If he didn’t answer at the time I call, then he would return call. He also told me he has no one new and that he didn’t want any relationship anymore with anyone. I still want him back but I just don’t know how. I did try the no contact for only a week and he did contact me but then after that, he went back to his old self again.
Veronica

September 28, 2015 at 7:42 pm

Hi Chris,

I have read many of your posts and really do appreciate your time and work. I have been on and off with my ex for about 6 1/2 years now. I met him at the age of 20 and we are now 26/27. We are currently broken up again and I feel utterly drained and restless. We have both been through countless fights, have dated other people (mostly him), he has gone from I love you to I don’t love you to I love you to I’m not in love with you. I’m in a vicious cycle and cant seem to get out of it or change our relationship. Through all of our break ups, he has been the initiator and we have never had a clean break where we completely cut all ties. We always talk, text, sleep, hangout…you name it. I really love this guy, but deep down I know that he strays or breaks up with me because I’m always there. I’m always fighting for us( and I hate to admit but have acted crazy, texts, call, show up, protesting my love) For once, I would like him to fear losing me and make a change. I have spoiled him to much and have offered him a security net. I no longer want that. I want us to grow and surpass the nonsense. I’m scared that if I stay away he will rebound. I really want him back but I need things to change!! please help.
Bre

September 27, 2015 at 7:01 am

Dear Chris
My ex broke up with me about a month ago and yes i broke the nc rule ..i couldn’t help it im so in love with him i begged him to love me again i texted him that i still loved him and that we need to work this out ..but the only reply i got was for me to move on and find a new man he also said hr wasnt interested in me anymore and ontop of all this he blocks me on everything but gor some reason still has all our pics on fb snd instagram ..its been a week i have mot contacted him im proud if myself lol but im so confused we loved eachother so much snd we did argue alot but he just dosent want to fix our relationship hes focus on school and work i cry everyday he was the one that kept me smiling now im just lost …hes one that is very stubborn and holds his pride but i know he still loves me i just kno he does because why would any1 keep pics of thier ex for the whole world to see except me??
TR

September 18, 2015 at 5:28 am

hi Chris,

my boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago and we were in a long distance relationship for a year. We were trying to plan on getting together once we figured our lives out but it didnt seem to work that way. We told eachother we loved each other and we wanted a future together. We happen to be in the same wedding next month, for our best friends, and i thought it would be a good idea to see each other first and talk before the wedding. I dont know if i could handle seeing him for the first time at the wedding. He broke up with me because it was getting very hard and we were missing each other so much and he just couldnt take it. Is that a thing? If i was worth it should it be worth it? That’s what I thought. We also are no where near where we want to be career wise and living situation wise. We both need time to figure out lives out. But, I was willing to find a job near him because it is where I want to work, but my dream job is in another state as well but this would be a great step in the door and I could always go back. He said not to move for him, but move for whats best for me. Anyways, convos like this happened a lot near the end. Any way when he broke up with me he said it didnt seem to be a good time for us, the timing was off. Did he really mean that? When we talked last week in person, first time seeing eachother. I talked about our relationship and what made me unhappy because we were both unhappy near the end and I asked if this is something he wanted to pursue in the future. He said, in a perfect world he would want to be together. But, obviously its not a perfect world. Was he just saying no in an effed up backwards way? He said he still had feelings for me though. He did text me sometimes during the 6 months and mentioned missing me and what not. But he is so confusing! I still have feelings for him and I am not taking this break up well. My grandmother was very sick, I lost my job and this relationship ended at the same time. I am still trying to figure my life out and it seems like he is over it. He was also married before and was cheated on and Im sure that is playing a major role in this. He also dated quickly after that happened and hasnt been truely single since then until now. I was very sensitive to that fact and made sure more than anything that he can trust me and show him my love. But, in the end he was the one being shady and sneaking and not necesarily cheating but I guess liking the attention? But I am confused if we still have a chance. The wedding is next month and I said we would finish our convo then and I wanted to know how he was feeling because I either need to move on with my life because this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. But the perfect world thing really threw me off. I’m the one that’s so hurt and he seems like he’s over it. He did hurt me and I would only consider getting back together if first he thinks im worth it and can show me that! But, I guess him breaking up with me says im not? But again, I am not sure if that is just how he copes/ his way of dealing with it. Also, I don’t know if I look into things more than they need too. Please, if you have any insight, that would be greatly appreciated.
Carli

September 16, 2015 at 12:00 pm

He said I ruin everything and doesn’t want to be with me
Denise from Texas

September 13, 2015 at 11:05 pm

I read the section when a guy says never talk to me again. I annoyed my ex in this exact same way. I see you cut this girl out of your life by blocking her, and this is where I am. I never got pissy for him not answering but I kept texting him that “he and I could work this out” and “here is what we both did wrong”. I sent these texts on a massive level, the same level as your ex girlfriend. The reconciliation is probably over for me, which is hard to accept, which is why I keep indulging in self improvement and knowledge through your website to become the ungettable girl. One thing my ex mentioned that you did not in this scenario was that he liked how I was in the beginning. Does this mean I still have a chance? I have changed my hair color, started the no contact 7 days ago and working out one hour a day to be a better. Erosion of myself. I’m working really hard here Chris. Do you think this is all in vain?
Mariz

September 13, 2015 at 8:53 am

Hi Chris,

so it means that if told me that it is really over between us, and he cheated on me and is now dating a new girl (this one is diff from the girl that he was with before). do we still have the chance of getting is back together?

Chris Seiter

October 2, 2015 at 4:52 pm

A chance… yes.

Do you want him back?

Sarah

September 13, 2015 at 7:05 am

Hi Chris,

This article and a couple others are interesting to me. I wonder why all of the responses from our exes must be negative. My ex and I just split about 3 weeks ago. I’ve been a mess and done pretty much everything your website tells us not to do because I don’t play games and I like to be very straight forward with how I feel. According to you and other experts though, I suppose that’s wrong.

I also wonder how I’m supposed to interpret mixed signals. My ex has told me recently that I’m the perfect woman and that he loves me but he needs to focus on himself and “just can’t do it right now” (long distance). Since then, he’s followed several stereotypical girls that I knew he was into and has “liked” his ex’s photos. We haven’t spoken in a week.. I plan to keep it this way even though I know he can’t stop thinking about me.

Something is twisted with all of these strategies and games in winning someone over. You either love them and want to make it work, or you don’t. What else could possibly explain love? If you have any answers for me, I would appreciate them. Thank you.
Alison

September 11, 2015 at 3:57 pm

so basically if he says the round about way of the “its not you, its me”, meaning it is totally me and not him and he can do better than me, there is nothing i can do, is there? i just have to accept its over?
Dani

September 9, 2015 at 5:52 pm

Hey Chris. I have gone through your website so much over the last 2 weeks since my split but can’t seem to find the answers I need to my particular situation. I was withy ex for 14 months, the first 6 were amazing however the last 8 weren’t because I got mental health issues and I didn’t know what it was and had no motivation to sort it so I got lower and lower till I got really depressed. This is why my ex ended it with me. He said he couldn’t take it anymore and that he had fallen out of love with me. Since then I have been a GNAT. One minute I’m begging him and the next minute I’m saying horrible things to him. I’ve been to the Drs and am now getting the help I need for my mental health. We had a house we rented together. He’s stayed in the house and I’ve gone back to family but I paid for everything in the house so I pretty much emptied it when I moved my stuff out. He’s now saying that he can’t forgive me for this and that he never wants to talk to me again and we will never get back together. Do I still have a chance of redeeming myself and getting him back if I follow your advice?
Lexi case

September 9, 2015 at 1:04 pm

Hello so I have a lot going on and I won’t try to explain it all right now… By my ex and I dated for 7 months he left me before he moved for college and then was playing mind games with me… Making me think we had a chance j was stupid and had sex with him a couple weeks ago… Things were good then they got bad… And now he don’t my friends he doesn’t care what I have to say anymore and he has blocked me from everything possible including my number.. It’s been 4 days now and I haven’t talked to him or heard anything…. I am just curious if he is actually done with me will j never hear from him again…? Is the chance of us really gone?
Loveness

September 9, 2015 at 10:14 am

Hey Chris,
My exboyfriend and I were from different countries wer were together for three years but then went back to our countries I came back he didn’t due to financial issues that he before lied he didn’t have then I lashed out but then came to my senses and tried to support him but he still grew apart he then answered my messages late and later after telling to say if he is fed up he then said it’s over where I asked if it’s forever he then said yah it’s over…what does it mean he said he said he wants to focus on his life.. Should I move on or wait.. It’s been a week

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