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881 thoughts on “What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Really Means”

  1. Avatar

    Bella Thomas

    March 29, 2015 at 12:35 am

    Hello! I find your tips really useful. I know you hear hundreds of stories every day, but I would appreciate you reading through one more. My boufriend and I had dated for slightly over a year. We are both in our ealy 20’s. We got into that zone where we were fighting almost daily over small things. He ended up getting horrible anxiety, but I still felt his love. There was a large blowout last week, and he asked for space. After giving him space for about 5 days, he came to my home and asked for a break up, claiming that he didn’t have feelings for me anymore. I know he’s still reeling Over our huge blowout, as well as our arguments before that. I suggested we take keep no contact for two months minimum while we both work on improving ourselves. Although he stuck with his “I have no feelings” attitude, I can’t help but feel he said that out of the moment, or said that just because he was tired of the fights. I am his first girlfriend, and he is an overly sensitive man so I know his feelings won’t vanish so quickly. He was open to a possible reconciliation in two months or so. Does this sound like a situation that space will fix up? Or does it sound like he just lost feelings? Thank you!

    1. admin

      admin

      March 29, 2015 at 2:11 pm

      It sounds like a situation where you have a shot to me.

    2. Avatar

      Bella Thomas

      March 29, 2015 at 2:54 pm

      Sorry, Chris. One more thing. A mutual friend of ours apparently spoke to him and this is what he said: “I’ve told her I’m probably not going to get back with her. And she accepted that. It isn’t a “in two months we get back together” thing. Its a “in two months we discuss how we feel”. I’ve told her that part of me is gone, and she can’t be convinced otherwise. She feels that it is still there somewhere, buried, and I can’t really convince her otherwise. She even told me that it would be okay if I dated someone else, she wouldn’t be happy, but she said it was okay.” Although we’ve only been broken up for one day, he sounds very sure in this message that there’s nothing left. I’m very confused since on Monday he was claiming his love for me. I will stick to no contact, but I can’t help but feel that no contact will make him realize how much better things are without me.

  2. Avatar

    Clancy

    March 28, 2015 at 6:55 pm

    My ex boyfriend yelled get out… in the heat of an argument? then I said I am done with your controlling a**,that was on Jan, 21st 2015, I started the no contact rule on Feb, 12th and successfully completed on Mar 14th.I am afraid to make the 1st move, because it ended in a fight. Please help me!!!!

    Thank you,
    Clancy

    1. Avatar

      Clancy

      March 29, 2015 at 7:44 pm

      Hi Chris, Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to me. I know you are very busy. First, let me say my ex boyfriend is very Spiritual so… One text I thought of is: Hi, I saw a commercial on TV, the movie A.D. THE BIBLE CONTINUES is being aired on Easter Sunday and it made think of the time you and I went to see the movie NOAH. It made me Smile… Also we used to text Smile to each other.. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated…

      Thank you,
      Clancy

    2. Avatar

      Clancy

      April 1, 2015 at 8:03 pm

      Chris, I understand You are very busy, I was wondering if I did or said something wrong because you have not responded to me yet? You asked me to run a few text messages by you. I sent one, it is time sensitive because it’s in regards to Easter Sunday. If you would please read it and let me know what you think I would so very much appreciate it. Thank you again for all you do for all the women out there that need someone to help them. Have a wonderful holiday.

    3. admin

      admin

      April 2, 2015 at 11:49 pm

      No Clancy you haven’t done anything wrong.

      I am really really really busy with a lot of stuff and I have to prioritize so sometimes I miss responding to people.

      [email protected]

      You can send the time sensitive text messages here. I will try to get back to you ASAP.

    4. Avatar

      Clancy

      April 3, 2015 at 9:09 am

      FYI, I could not get the message to go through, so I posted here…

      thank you, thank you, thank you

    5. Avatar

      Clancy

      April 3, 2015 at 8:57 am

      Hi Chris, Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to me. I know you are very busy. here is the msg here is the I thought about sending, but yesterday I found out.of course through facebook, he left Tues. on a cruise with his dance club, not sure what to do now…. No contct ended on Mar. 14th. He has not try to contact me since the break up Jan. 21st.

      First, let me say my ex boyfriend is very Spiritual so… One text I thought of is: Hi…., I heard the movie A.D. THE BIBLE CONTINUES is being released on Easter Sunday and it made think of the time you and I went to see the movie NOAH. What a great movie that was…It made me Smile…

      FYI…we used to text Smilesto each other..
      Any feedback would be greatly appreciated…
      Thank Clancy

    6. Avatar

      Clancy

      April 1, 2015 at 12:35 am

      Hi Chris, just wondering if you had a chance to read my response to you? Please let me know what you think…

      Thank you,
      Clancy

    7. admin

      admin

      April 2, 2015 at 11:24 pm

      Hi Clancy, I have not.

      do you mind reposting it for me?

    8. admin

      admin

      March 29, 2015 at 2:19 pm

      Run a few text message by me then!

  3. Avatar

    pearl

    March 27, 2015 at 4:52 am

    Hi Chris. I’ve been reading your guides, one after another and it got me to reflect back on my past relationship with my ex fiance. Something just came to me and i need your say on it. People break up for reasons and normally things are a little shaky towards the end of the relationship. So, few incidents prior to the break up, i asked for a break up many time from my ex fiance because he was too busy with work and rarely text me ( pathetic i know, my fault) which he normally ignored and told me firmly not to ask for a break easily. Then, during the breakup he said ” you were too busy asking for a breakup and fail to see that i’m broken “. During the engagement we face a lot of things together including be there for him during when he has operation.

    Is my chances of getting back with him drop because i asked too many breakup from him out of anger? Is he giving up on me is like he said ” in your face, you want to break up so badly right” ? Will my chance of getting back with him increase because we faced significant hard time together?

    Thanks!

    1. admin

      admin

      March 29, 2015 at 2:58 pm

      Its possible but the fact that he has always come back is a good sign.

  4. Avatar

    aakriti singh

    March 26, 2015 at 9:05 am

    my bf told me he still loves me a lot and he’ll never forget me .. he wants to be with me and he didnt wanted to ruin my life bcoz of him.. he also mentioned that he wasnt able to give me that much time what i expected ..

    1. admin

      admin

      March 31, 2015 at 8:30 pm

      This is a good sign, right?

  5. Avatar

    Emily

    March 21, 2015 at 5:20 pm

    Hey, so basically I am a Cordelia. I dated this guy and he took my virginity and told me he loved me and was cheating on his girlfriend with me, leading me on for about a year and a half. I would be really impatient with him not replying or taking too long (although sometimes it would be days) and I told him he only hurt me and that I didn’t need our abusive relationship anymore if he wasn’t goin to change. He then continued to ignore me and I got so mad I told him that I wouldn’t but I could tell his girlfriend. He got very mad, left me this text:

    It’s hard to respond or imagine things being cool again between threats and accusations and now what, blackmail? This is all a little much, and I’ve been trying to figure out how to take it. Ideally things would have just gone back to normal but I don’t know about that anymore. I’m not used to staying close with people who act like this, and I don’t think I want to become used to it. If trying to sabotage my life and relationship, and making things out to sound worse than they are, like ‘abusive relationship’, will provide you some comfort, that’s your call.

    And then called me and told me it was the last straw and to never text or call him again. I tried about a week ago following five weeks of no contact. I know you said it should be a sign to move on but do you think there is a chance for him to ever forgive or am I likely blocked and out of his life forever like that girl is to you. We do have a lot of history. Is there any way you would ever talk to her again? He told me I was his bestfriend many times so I know I was important to him.

    Also thanks so much for your website it’s really helpful and uplifting 🙂

    1. admin

      admin

      March 22, 2015 at 5:14 pm

      I have seen a lot of situations worse than yours where an ex forgave.

      I think it all depends on how you approach your situation.

      You have to be super smart about it.

    2. Avatar

      Emily

      March 22, 2015 at 6:51 pm

      Alright. In what sense do you mean? He’s from a different city than me and may not be coming back to school next year so I may not even see him again. Do you think more time would work? What would your recommend I do?

    3. admin

      admin

      March 24, 2015 at 8:04 pm

      Lets be realistic here.

      Whats the soonest you two could be together location wise?

    4. Avatar

      Emily

      March 24, 2015 at 10:02 pm

      We’re in the same city now but an excuse he gave me in the past for not leaving her is that “I’m not here”. I m from far western canada and go to school far eastern canada, around his home town. So right now I guess. but he won’t see me. Probably about a fifty percent chance he’ll be back for ynviersity next year so then maybe, and following that I guess if I decided to go to grad school in Toronto, which I’ve considered, which would be in two years.

    5. Avatar

      Emily

      March 24, 2015 at 10:04 pm

      School is done in a few weeks so this school year doesn’t seem logistic to me. I ran into him in the library yesterday and he ignored me so he clearly is still angry with me.

    6. Avatar

      Emily

      March 25, 2015 at 1:29 am

      Also this is kind of the second time this happened. Not to this extent but we’ve gotten in a fight where we didn’t talk for a month because he was being a massive douche and ignored me for months without telling me the reason was because he got a new girlfriend over the summer, and I was very clingy until he told me this and then stopped talking to him once I knew. Although he did mention that 99% of the time I was nice as all hell when texting him but sometimes I was very mean. He is very sensitive.

    7. Avatar

      Emily

      April 1, 2015 at 12:03 am

      I was thinking either give it the summer to settle down and then try and reach out, or talk to him next time I run into him this semester. Do you think either of this are good ways to approach my situation? And if so which one is probaby the better idea?

    8. Avatar

      Emily

      April 2, 2015 at 12:28 pm

      I’m sorry for all the posts haha. I was doing really good with the breakup and then I realized there’s probably no hope and now I just cry all the time

    9. Avatar

      Emily

      March 22, 2015 at 7:15 pm

      He also probably still has a girlfriend and claimed he to her and he had to because of me, blaming me. I’m confident he thinks I’m insane but he also knows me very well and I think he knows I’m a good person. I just don’t know the right way to approach this haha

  6. Avatar

    anxious

    March 20, 2015 at 11:38 pm

    Chris, I’m not sure where to post this question but I just wondered what should the dumpee do to heal when going through feelings of ressentment, anger, feeling worthless and self hate after going no contact? I feel horrible because I didn’t have the chance to tell my exbf how horribly he treated me and how heartbroken I am. The way it ended it looked like I was cool with his choice, when I am not! I even wish him good luck and that I understand him, wtf. What is wrong with me, I just did that because I was shocked and I went straight no contact afterwards.

    When my bf brokeup with me he asked to be just friends but kept doing sexual advances and I refused to be just friends and felt disrespected that he would try sex when he dumped me for someone else. I went no contact and after a week he eventually said he was sorry but didnt say anything about getting back together. I repeated again that I couldn’t be friends, if he changed his mind to get in touch with me. Then the day after he blocked me on facebook, now it’s been 8days since our last contact.

    I feel horrible. Used, rejected, hated, disgusted with myself for being so nice. I didn’t react like these exgf you describe here and I hate myself for being too cold. This no contact thing is killing me because I wish I could just email him telling how much he hurt me and how much I want him to fail and be unhappy in the future.

    The worst part is that I still want him back. I need help to cope with these feelings, I’ve read all of your articles but still don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to find new friends a new date, new hobby, right now I only see darkness and been crying no stop, barely eat and sleep, this rejection and the lack of opportunity to scream at my ex and let him know how much he hurt me it’s killing me.
    help me

    1. admin

      admin

      March 22, 2015 at 4:43 pm

      My advice is to make yourself as busy as possible with things that make you feel good internally.

      For example,

      Working out, working, talking to friends are all things that make me feel good and enrich my life. I would focus on stuff like that.

    2. Avatar

      anxious

      March 27, 2015 at 8:55 pm

      thank you so much Chris. I’ve been trying to turn things around but it’s just getting worse. I moved to a city where I never make new friends, I don’t even have friends and my family don’t want to talk to me about being dumped because they think my exbf is a jerk and it was a good thing that we split. It’s been 15days no contact and he didn’t unblock me or talk to me. I thought he would talk to me but he is living his life normal, having fun with someone else while I cry several times during the day and I force myself to go to work. I can’t even take revenge and become an ungettable girl or someone he will be interested to get back with because I’m becoming the worst version of myself, I’m losing weight and I’m already very skinny, hair is falling off, I dont have energy to work out, I don’t sleep well, I’m really depressed. I can’t even pimp out a facebook profile or facebook because honestly I look like sh1t and I used to be beautiful. My biggest issue is not getting back to him, what I hate is that I wish I had told him how badly he treated me and how upset I am, I will never forgive myself.

  7. Avatar

    hydrangea

    March 19, 2015 at 4:57 pm

    oh, and he also said that to contact him only via msg/call when required and not to whatsapp him ( i was text gnat only for 2 days the initial break up and after the meetup) .

  8. Avatar

    Kriya

    March 19, 2015 at 7:19 am

    i am in a serious relationship with a guy who is a day younger to me. I did so much to maintain this relation ship which includes, giving him his own space, took part in his interests, spent so much for vacations, gifts (i never got any return and i never expected too). i did everything to get married. there were couple of incidents i got to know from a third person that he had some affairs. though i fought with him on those, i tried to be the same. now the things are becoming worser after my birthday. i wanted him to be the first person to meet me and wish me which he failed doing it cos he had some Party outside. He only wished me in the afternoon on my birthday. i couldnt take it as my expectations were very simple. i never ever expected a rose or a gift. i was always in the giving side and eve he knows i am not a high maintenance girl. we had a bad fight. i took 2 weeks time and messaged him i was sorry about the fight. its been a month i am trying to act very normal just by expressing how precious and important he is to me. all he says is he doesnt want to get emotional with my anymore and wants me to be his friend. I am not able to take this. cos i strongly know that he is scared of something and he is not open for a relationship. what to do to get him back?

    i am a very independant women admired by most of the men (including my bf friends circle). he gets possessive but never explits out. i was the one who always planned all outings, movies , tours etc with my expenses. never expected anything back in return knowing his financial situation.

    help me to get my bf back. i truly love him.

    1. admin

      admin

      March 21, 2015 at 4:01 pm

      Have you implemented the no contact rule on him yet?

    2. Avatar

      kriya

      March 27, 2015 at 8:33 am

      Yes. I did. he never messaged back. when i did all he said is he dont want to be emotionally attached to me. he says he wants to be just friends. he admits that he loved me truly than anyone else and so he wants to maintain some distance as he is becoming dependant on me. 🙁

    3. Avatar

      Kriya

      March 30, 2015 at 6:22 am

      waiting for your response 🙁

  9. Avatar

    rachel

    March 17, 2015 at 11:53 pm

    He said we shouldn’t be seeing each other “like we have been”, it wasn’t what he wanted and he didn’t want to “drag anything on”. Oh, ouch! I of course got emotional but explained my feelings. Didn’t work haha. I gave it awhile and told him I was sorry for being dramatic after he ended things but that I was hurt, and he said he never meant to hurt me. I ended the convo after a few texts.
    21 days go by, I remind him of a good memory that was funny between us two and he responded positively and with a smile. Another week goes by, and then last night we chatted.
    For whatever reasons, this guy always responds immediately.. 🙂
    I texted him “Haha this is kinda random but reminded me of you” and He was like “What did? Howre you?” and we talked about some exciting things going on in our lives and I ended the convo telling him to have fun on his mini trip and that I had a long day.
    Guess what. He said “Thanks girl. Night!” Sorta sweet..
    For not talking much this month I feel like I made progress, but I don’t want him to start taking me for granted again like he did before he ended our “thing”. I was never labeled as his gf. Should I wait a couple of days before I ask him how his trip went? He has a pretty flirty side and I feel like if I can appeal to him emotionally some or make him feel good about himself and the idea of us potentially getting back together he’ll flirt with me.
    Thoughts?

    1. admin

      admin

      March 18, 2015 at 9:17 pm

      I think you definitely made progress.

      Especially when you look at where you started from.

      Obviously a long ways to go but I think you definitely made progress.

  10. Avatar

    maria

    March 17, 2015 at 9:19 pm

    Hi,

    My bf and I got in a fight an he said that he doesn’t see any other solution than braking up. The problem was that I became too clingy and needy, even when he said he was busy. I tried telling him that I will change ,but he said that I said that before and didn’t work.
    After braking up I started chating with him on fb, begging him to forgive me and to let me show him that I can change, but he answered the same. Finally he told me that we’ll talk again when he’ll see a change, but I insisted so much that he can’t see a change if I’m not around him. After begging him(again), I asked him “What if you told me that we’ll talk again only to get away from me?” and he told me “Genieus”. I don’t know what to say, he is a very calm person, but it seemed that I annoyed him too much…

    1. admin

      admin

      March 18, 2015 at 9:11 pm

      He said genius?

      What does he mean by that?

    2. Avatar

      maria

      March 19, 2015 at 5:14 pm

      I think it was an ironic response, like “oh,such a genius. how did you figured it out?”. I interpreted that in the way that he was trying to rid of me with any price, but because he didn’t want to make me feel worse(or to feel himself worse), he choosed to tell me for the moment that he’ll see if I change or not, hoping that I’m going to give him space forever.

    3. Avatar

      maria

      March 19, 2015 at 10:13 pm

      he never was ironic with me. he never talked that way to me. also, we broke up another time, it was the same story, but he always responded me. now we haven’t talked for a week, I’m trying to do the NC.

  11. Avatar

    Daisy

    March 17, 2015 at 10:36 am

    Hello, I haven’t heard back…I’m looking into some insight into what happened. I have gotten too many “reasons or excuses” for the breakup. This is someone (my ex) who says co flirting statements. From it was my looks, to the lies about some pictures, to being to clingy, too much drama, too much planning, over analysing, to not wanting to be hurt, too much too soon, overwhelmed, doesn’t know what he wants, and so on. At the same time, he says he misses me, cares for me has true emotions, never played me, wasn’t about the commitment at all. Had fun with me, enjoyed spending time with me, is now lonely and misses me. But keeps being aloof and distant and says it’s on purpose so that I don’t get the wrong idea or false hope. I don’t get any of this. Please help.

    1. admin

      admin

      March 18, 2015 at 8:48 pm

      Hi Daisy, sorry you haven’t heard back I am just getting around to answering comments now.

      I actually think the guide I am working on now is going to be a better fit for answering your questions. It should be out late Friday this week.

    2. Avatar

      Daisy

      March 19, 2015 at 1:21 am

      Hi,
      Can you tell me where I can find it? I’m looking for some guidance/ help with this. Thank you.

    3. Avatar

      Daisy

      March 23, 2015 at 3:02 am

      Can you show me or tell me where this guide is?

    4. admin

      admin

      March 24, 2015 at 8:33 pm

    5. Avatar

      Daisy

      March 30, 2015 at 10:04 am

      Hi,
      Please see my new comments further down below under the other message string…also, I sent him a quick text on Friday (3days ago)and he hasn’t responded. It was short and friendly, confident. A news – just to say I finally got my drivers license even tho I’m 33–it’s a big deal and he knows it) but hasn’t responded. He’s also on the dating site…I explained what I read and saw below in the other chain. Why? Is he really lost Ana confused or just a jerk? I can’t even imagine…please read all my posts and help me with some solid advice. I wish there was a way I speak with you…thanks again, D.

  12. Avatar

    Melissa

    March 16, 2015 at 11:28 pm

    I am at a crossroads with my ex.
    We dated from sept 2013-dec 2013. He broke up with me using his traveling career as the main reason. Said it wasn’t fair to me and my two young Children. I took it very hard because I am without a doubt positive he is the love of my life. We tried the FWB thing for the first few months following the breakup but he became very emotionally attached to me and he chose to end the FWB. We remained friends but spoke less frequently for a few months. By April of 2014 he confessed to me that he was having a hard time handling thinking about me with other men. He expressed a desire to win me back stating he knew he had a lot to prove to me to get me back. I still loved him very much so from April 2014-june2014 he swept me off my feet and we again became official. We were so in love and he constantly spoke of marriage. He told his family he was going to marry me. By July 2014 we were living together. We bickered occasionally but only really had 1 or 2 major arguments.
    We were totally in love and had made many plans for s future together, most of which were of his own proposal. Suddenly I began to feel him pull away and by early October 2014 he (very unexpectedly) broke up with me again and moved out. He made the statement “I could marry you, but then what happens if im not happy still in 10 years? then we divorce and im not going to put you or myself through that”. He also told me he “undoubtedly loves me”. I took it very very hard. I was crushed that he had worked so hard to pursue me and win me back, only to leave me again with seemingly no solid reason. He admits to having commitment issues as well as some trust issues. He is still the most respectful, inspiring and amazing men that I know.
    By the end of October 2014 we were doing the FWB thing again, which he initiated. We have been FWB from October 2014 until the present. There have been several occasions that he has attempted to “friend zone me” which he eliminated the sexual interactions between us because he felt it was “morally wrong”. Each time he tries to do this, I agree because i dont want to pressure him to do what he doesnt want to do. But without fail, this never lasts longer than a few weeks, and he always winds up sleeping with me again.
    In December 2014 I started to explore Plenty Of Fish. Within one hour i noticed him on the website. I was CRUSHED, (we had slept together a few days before i saw this). So, out of jealousy i decided to open my own dating account on that site. He saw me on the site and was obviously in discontent.
    By the end of December he confessed to me that seeing me on the dating site “really messes with me”, told me that the real reason he broke up with me was because he just didnt see it working out between us because he wasnt happy. But also said he loves me unconditionally, more than anyone ever could or will, but that things just are the way they are and “that’s how life goes”.
    One week later he tells me “maybe what he is trying to say is that things might not change”.
    We continued with the back and forth FWB and by February of 2015 we had an evening of passion, followed by an (alcohol induced) heart to heart conversation. He told me (gently) “we will never be together in the same way again”. Also “im going to wind up hurting you and i wont be trying to” and “I dont have the capability to love you the way that you love me”.
    He is aware that I still love him, very much. In so many words, he says he doesn’t want me to love him anymore. He does express a strong desire to remain “friends”.
    In the 6 weeks following this conversation the following has occurred
    1. He has told me in great detail his plans for his future.
    2. Voluntarily offered to spend “guy time” with my son to try to give him a positive male role model that can be a good mentor for him.
    3. Slept with me at least 5 times.
    4. Invited me over to his new house on several occasions for the first few times since he moved out of my house.
    5. I have slept over at his house.
    6. He has spent the night at my house.
    7. He has spent almost twice as much time with me in comparison to october 2014-feb2015.
    He still says he wants “my friendship” when i ask him what he wants from me. But his actions of sleeping with me and other things have led me to believe that he is saying things he does not mean. I absolutely believe that he still loves me, but he won’t admit it. I think he feels like he was doing me a favor by breaking up with me. We have both acknowledged that we can’t walk away from each other, but he continues to say things like “eventually we will both move on”. Well here we are 6 months after our second break up, and still stuck in the same spot.
    Last night he spent the evening at my house, and we watched movies, ordered pizza and talked all night long. During one of our conversations i playfully confessed “you have known i still have a crush on you”. He had a lighthearted response and seemed to have a good reaction to it. He wasnt striking me down for admitting to it. He slept over and there was no sex involved, but it was ok. He stayed for coffee and left for work.
    I can feel myself falling in love with him again for the third time, on a deeper level than ever before. I have consistently loved him, but i can also fall in love with him over and over. Today i text him and said “hopefully it didnt make you uncomfortable for me to admit that i have a crush on you” he responded with “i know haha, you’re fine”.
    I want him back so badly i feel it in my bones, but I am trying to remain patient because i know he can’t be pressured. I know I have to let it happen naturally on his end if it is going to be right. I don’t know how to gauge his reactions. If he didn’t want me to love him anymore, why can’t he just walk out of my life? Why does he continue to sleep with me if we will never be together again?
    I know I either need to give up on him (which i have no idea how to do) and walk away, or starting to follow my gut and express my true feelings to him. I can’t continue to pretend that I am ok with just being friends and pretending I don’t want more. What should I do? Does this man truly not ever want to be with me again?

    1. admin

      admin

      March 18, 2015 at 8:37 pm

      I actually think the thing that would be best for you is to focus on yourself.

      Learn a little self reliance so you don’t lean on him so much for your emotional needs.

    2. Avatar

      Melissa

      March 19, 2015 at 2:18 am

      I have worked on myself a lot for the past 6 months. Unless he asks, I try not to talk about my emotional needs with him. I have other people I tuen to now if I feel the need.
      If he didn’t love me or want me to have feelings for him, why would he continue to want to be such a prominent part of my life? He has expressed some strong discontent with my recent plans for a date with another man. Seemed defensive and frustrated. Said he would rather I keep it on a need to know basis. Should I give up on him or does he want me to chase him?

    3. Avatar

      Melissa

      March 19, 2015 at 2:29 am

      Also-today when he was texting expressing his discontent knowing about my dating life, he said “I don’t want to give you false hope”, but then also said he is accepting of the fact that intold him I still have a crush on him. He said” those are your feelings to feel”. If he didn’t want me to have those feelings wouldn’t he have expressed that? Wouldn’t he want to eliminate me from his life if he didn’t feel the same? I got so frustrated that I ended up saying “then F*** off” and he said “alright no problem”. I never get ballsy like that with him, so I’m feeling pretty bad but I am very frustrated from all of his confusing signals. Should I just NC him for a few days or forever?

  13. Avatar

    Britt

    March 16, 2015 at 9:52 pm

    I was with my bf for 3 years. So basically my boyfriend said its not you its me line along with how upset he was that we weren’t having sex as often as we used to. We still were btw like every week. But the thing is we were fighting about it for the last couple months. He would get really upset most of the time when it didn’t or couldn’t happen. And this wasn’t always my fault he was to blame as well but he liked to blame me for most of it basically thinking I should be doing everything to make it happen.

    The things that played into us not doing it was our schedules, he doesn’t have his own car yet, we don’t live together and sometimes I didn’t always feel good about myself and also when it didn’t happen because how upset he’d get I started to feel and associate pressure and anxiety with having sex which made it difficult sometimes to want to. Also because he wasn’t getting as much he was more short tempered and less nice or less interested in talking or listening to me. And when someone has a bad attitude with you all day it doesn’t exactly turn you on. Plus he stopped doing the chasing and being as romantic basically puttin in less effort and still expected me to want him super bad all day everyday. Most of the time I need to feel emotionally connected and appreciated to want to do it.
    Now I know not feeling good about myseld is on me and saying I’ll do it and not following through is also on me and I apologized and tried to talk to him about it. But I think it’s unfair that he wanted me to do everything like he’d say oh well maybe I’m not as romantic because we aren’t having sex as much. And sometimes if we made plans with friends he’d expect me to stay up later even if I had work in the morning. I don’t want to risk being late all the time especially when he’d never do that for me with his job.
    So I feel like we didn’t know how to get past this because it was hard to communicate with him and idk if I always worded things right. Plus I thought since he made it seem like it was the most important thing in the world he should be doing things that would make me want to. And I think he thought I should’ve been initiating first all the time because I’m the girl and he can’t know when I’ll really want to. So since we couldn’t figure out quick enough how to fix this he ended things I think out of frustration about our situation.

    But also I think he wanted to end it a little bit because this is the most serious and longest relationship we both have been in and I think he’s scared of being in something serious already and scared of losing his freedom. For example we went on a road trip for my step sister because she is leaving to boot camp soon and so we were going with friends to have fun before she left and I told him that he could bring his best friend too that my step sis said it was ok and that he should ask asap because we were planning to go the following week. And he got all irritated and he was like you don’t invite my friends for me to stuff he’s my friend. I was surprised because I was trying to be nice by asking my sis for him if his best friend could go that way he wasn’t the only guy and his friend was cool too. I never actually asked his friend myself I told him he could invite him himself (if he wanted to was suppose to be implied) so basically little stuff like that has happened often and I think he’s scared of me “planning out his life”. Which I wasn’t trying to.
    So anyway he kept saying he still loves me and didn’t want it to end but that I deserved better and that I was a great gf and he was tired of trying with the whole sex thing. Which he didn’t really try, he just waited hoping it would just get better on its own without trying anything different.
    Of course I cried and begged. But that was a day ago and I decided to do the no contact rule and I still want to be with him right now and it really hurts but do you think it’s possible for us to not only get back together but last like a month or so from now or does he seem like he’s just not going to be ready for a serious relationship anytime soon? Or do you think wih the space he’ll realize I am what he really wants and can’t live without and that he will be willing to try since he got some perspective on life without me.

    1. admin

      admin

      March 18, 2015 at 8:32 pm

      How old is he may I ask?

      Just trying to guage where he is at in life?

    2. Avatar

      Britt

      March 20, 2015 at 1:19 pm

      21

    3. Avatar

      Britt

      March 20, 2015 at 1:20 pm

      I’m 22

    4. Avatar

      Britt

      March 16, 2015 at 9:59 pm

      P.s. I’m also his first, I had only ever had sex with one other guy before him and it was not good with that other guy but it was good with him.

    5. admin

      admin

      March 18, 2015 at 8:33 pm

      You are his first so you will definitely stick out in his mind.

  14. Avatar

    Mandy

    March 16, 2015 at 8:37 pm

    What if he had been through some terrible things recently that he’d confided in you about and knew he had been getting serious about you and then suddenly faded out within weeks? He said it was a number of things and the state he was in and nothing I did. Do I let him go? Was he embarrassed and becoming vulnerable? He wanted space and I’ve given it but I cant let go.

    1. admin

      admin

      March 18, 2015 at 8:29 pm

      Maybe he is still dealing with the terrible things and is distracted by them so can’t give you the attention you want?

      Deifnitely seems to be embaressed at becoming vulnerable.

    2. Avatar

      Mandy

      March 19, 2015 at 6:36 am

      He was talking about settling down before I left on holiday. I was away for 2 weeks and suddenly he just changed when I was back. He was talking differently with settling and sounded so doubtful. I knew he had a past (i.e he’d been cheated on by his first love 6 months into the marriage and was divorced 2 years) but then disclosed issues with his parents he’d had which were really personal. Suddenly he couldnt bear talking anymore as he was in too much of a state. He sounded like he wanted things over but didn’t say formally. He wouldn’t take my calls or see me for instance and give me 2 line responses when I brought up the issues. I’ve given him a few weeks space but do I try again? He obviously felt something for awhile and I havent felt this way about anyone. How long would you leave it? Because despite it all I do worry about him, but dont want him to feel pressurised by any contact with me.

  15. Avatar

    Rachelle

    March 16, 2015 at 3:56 pm

    Hi Chris

    What about when he says “A good and honest friendship is more appropriate for us now, given the current situation”?

    The situation was he just started his new job for 4 months now after we broke up. During the time after we broke up, I was always trying to encourage him and support him while he was finding a new job. But it was getting really tiring when he always took so long to reply. So one day, I just sort of told him how I felt about that and he began to say things like he does not want to hurt someone like me, I am sure a girl like you can find someone who can give me stability and love and he has great respect and admiration for me but if he cannot offer me a long term stability of being here, we should not let ourselves lost in a relationship. And the above sentence came after.

    I have been doing nc for 18 days since he said that. What does he mean? That he wants me to move on?

    1. admin

      admin

      March 18, 2015 at 7:21 pm

      I think that is the same as him saying “I just want to be friends” to be honest.

  16. Avatar

    Payaal

    March 16, 2015 at 11:20 am

    Hi Chris, referring back to your article when he says that we will never get back together again. My ex boyfriend said that he thought about the future with me, yesterday he as telling me how he was thinking how life would be if me and him got married, he also said he thought about the wedding and how our kids were going to he brought up. So when I asked him if he still wanted that stuff with me, he said ‘I do, you’re too much for me so it won’t happen. You’re crazy and psychotic’ we’ve been broken up for a week and a half

    So what do I do? I really want him back 🙁

    1. admin

      admin

      March 18, 2015 at 7:13 pm

      Haha I think you should do the NC rule on him especially if he has the crazy/psychotic perception of you.

  17. Avatar

    anne

    March 16, 2015 at 8:23 am

    Hi Chris,

    Is “my feeling has faded” the same as he hates you or i never loved you? And if ” i dont see a future with you ” will be under the we will never get back together?

    And to your opinion, from the categories above which one is very unlikely to get back together besides the cheating and has new girlfriend and which one has the highest chance of getting back together?

    Thanks sifu!

    1. admin

      admin

      March 18, 2015 at 7:08 pm

      My feelings have faded = Right now I don’t feel the same as I did when I met you. The honeymoon period is gone and I miss it.

    2. Avatar

      anne

      March 19, 2015 at 11:55 am

      Hi Chris. Thank you for responding. Should i just give up already? Is the chance no longer there foe him to come back?

  18. Avatar

    Jo

    March 16, 2015 at 6:56 am

    Hi Chris,

    Thank you for posting this up. It was very helpful! I posted on your page before and I have a question about what my boyfriend meant when he broke up with me. He told me that he can’t date me “right now” and that maybe we will get back together some time in the future. He told me he still loved me and that maybe with sometime off, his feelings for me might come back. What do you think he really means by this? Is he just saying it to spare my feelings or does he really mean it? Most of my friends think he’s just stringing me along, but a part of me doesn’t know what to think.

    1. admin

      admin

      March 18, 2015 at 7:05 pm

      Have you done the NC rule yet on him?

      It might turns things around in your favor a lot.

  19. Avatar

    Daisy

    March 16, 2015 at 12:21 am

    Hi, I need help with my situation. I met my ex boyfriend on a dating site back in Oct 2014. We talked for 1 month. Everything was great. He wanted more intimate pictures of me (u know what I mean) I was not comfortable sending them for two reasons: I didn’t feel right about it, it was too soon plus I didn’t feel sexy or “perfect” enough. I had gained some weight and was trying to loose the pounds and what I looked like wasn’t exactly 100% as the profile pics on the site. I was 20 lbs off. But I still looked good, nothing out of the ordinary. I made the stupid mistake of getting naked photos off the net and sending them to him. He was crazy! Anyways, we continued, and he really was a great and kind guy. Very nice. He came to see me in mid Dec 2014. I was dying, so nervous. He came and we had a great time, we even made love. He was passionate and as he always said he said how much he loved me.

    He left, and then a few days later he emailed me. Said, that he was genuine and had true feelings for me but that I had lied to him about how I looked and he was real but was disappointed. He broke things off. I wrote him, he was being superficial Etc. we talked and he came back the following week. We had a great relationship since then. It was a long distance relationship, we are 5 hrs away. Over Xmas and New Years…it was great. we talked about the future and he was talking about me moving down with him, all was great. Then I went down to be with him in early feb and spent 2 weeks with him. The first week was great and then he changed a bit the second, wanting to take things slowly and just taking it slow, about not having dated anyone this heavy (bs- btw, his ex was huge) about how love grows and not feeling longing when he wasn’t with me. Etc. then on Valentine’s day, he said he couldn’t give me the present he had bought me- necklace- cause he wasn’t ready to give it to me yet, it meant too much. He didn’t feel right about it. Now, I was crushed. Yet, he kept being great and loving and the sex was passionate and he was real. He did things that I KNOW he loves me and thoroughly enjoyed every moment. I could feel it and that you can’t fake. He made love to me, not sex. Then we come back to where I live. He says he will be back in 2 weeks – the usual and leaves.

    The next day, he sends me an email, saying that it was too much for him. He wasn’t ready to have someone invade his space, he was afraid of getting hurt, it was too much emotion for him. That he lied to me for the last week, that he was frustrated about arguing about the direction and feelings in the relationship. Not to try to change his mind. I was crushed again. He said he had pretended for a week. And the reasons seemed like excuses. Like he wasn’t giving me the truth. I knew he still cared and had feelings for me. After a few days, we talked. He said he felt relieved having broken things, he missed me tho. He cared. But didn’t want to give me false hope, any wrong ideas. I could tell he missed me. Since then (his is mid feb 2015) we texted and skyped, I sent him pictures etc. we were talking but he wasn’t the same, he was a bit dismissive and rude a bit. Kept saying didn’t want to give me hope. I then had a big medical emergency. He never reaches out even to ask how I am doing. When we talk he says it was b/c he doesn’t want to give me hopes and it was on purpose. A friend of mine sends me an email in which he “translates” what’s going on- basically saying, he used me and he doesn’t want me or love me. Etc. I forwarded that email to my ex, that’s when he responds with: I had real feelings for you at the beginning even b4 we ever met, that he isn’t a player (that’s true) and that he didn’t play me. It just wasn’t right for him. too many lies and deception and he never got over it. That the relationship for him wasn’t strong enough for him And that we should go our separate ways. I am devastated.

    My small child is attached to him, how kind he was. He was real, and he cared. I don’t know what to do. He’s a great guy. What is the issue? Is he really hurt over the weight (he says not?) or is it that he is afraid of getting hurt? I made mistakes, I’m sure I did. I’m sorry, how do I fix things? What do I do? I haven’t contacted him for over a week and it’s so difficult. I miss him. When we were together it was special. Where do I go from here? I’m in love with him and I miss him. Please help me. I will send you more details if you need them. Thank you, D.

    1. admin

      admin

      March 18, 2015 at 6:55 pm

      All of the above?

      The weight thing and the afriad of getting hurt may have contributed.

      Are you going to attempt the NC rule?

    2. Avatar

      Daisy

      March 19, 2015 at 1:26 am

      Yes, I’m doing the NC right now. Yes, all of the above. I’m confused and I don’t understand. I’m not excessively overweight whatsoever. He loved me…if u know what I mean. I think that’s just an excuse. I have no clue what the problem is. He’s even said, it has nothing to do with commitment, getting married… It’s all about, not being clingy, I have gotten too many “reasons or excuses” for the breakup. This is someone (my ex) who says conflicting statements. From it was my looks, to the lies about some pictures, to being to clingy, too much drama, too much planning, over analysing, to not wanting to be hurt, too much too soon, overwhelmed, doesn’t know what he wants, and so on. At the same time, he says he misses me, cares for me has true emotions, never played me, wasn’t about the commitment at all. Had fun with me, enjoyed spending time with me, is now lonely and misses me. But keeps being aloof and distant and says it’s on purpose so that I don’t get the wrong idea or false hope. I don’t get any of this. Please help.

    3. admin

      admin

      March 21, 2015 at 3:33 pm

      I think the true problem is him. HE is the one with the issues.

    4. Avatar

      Daisy

      March 22, 2015 at 2:18 am

      What do I do? I’m in love with this man. I miss him and I think about him all the time. We did have a powerful connection. He even said so. The intimacy. He keeps saying he’s not a player and he didn’t play me (that’s true, he isn’t) but heres the deal: three weeks ago as a result of this nightmare when he cruelly dumped me over email, I went into a tailspin. A few days later I miscarried. I had no idea I was expecting. None. Zero. I had to have emerg surgury to remove the fetuses-2. It was horrific. I asked to come, he never answered. I texted etc. and he didn’t answer. Finally, when I did speak to him: he said: I did it on purpose so u wouldn’t get the wrong idea or get false hopes. He never even called or texted and I spent 3 days in the hospital. I was really hurt. Just at a human level- that was wrong. Anyways, said, he was sorry and hoped I was ok. Phew kept saying how sorry he was. That’s all. I’ve had no contact with him since that day. His last email said: Look – You can think whatever you want. I had real feelings for you in the beginning before we ever met. But too may lies and deceptions happened right from the get go. You should have just let me end it when I tried back in December. I enjoyed spending time with you, but I really never got over things. So yeah, every little thing that happened from than on out I probably made out to be bigger than they were. We had to many arguments for two people who should of still been in complete puppy love. How much of what really happened between us did you really share with people…. Most people never know the whole story. I am sick to death of these conversations. I can’t stand being judged. You did it again to me on the phone last night.

      I stayed away cause you kept getting the wrong idea and having false hope. End of story. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t change anything, I couldn’t fix anything, and I sure as hell wouldn’t of made it any better if I was there…… You know that as well as I! This whole thing is like a bad nightmare that right now I just want to go away.

      I don’t know how people can stay friends after a breakup…. I am sorry for everything. I really am. You know who I really am. I am a great guy. Yeah I don’t always get it right but I am a passionate caring person with honest intentions. I am not a player, and I didn’t play you. It just wasn’t right for me. You have a good group of friends, be thankful for that. Who knows what life has in store for us. We just keep trudging along.

      I think it is best we just both move on our seperate ways……

      What do you think???? He’s not consistent, plus his excuse and the whole picture thing…bs! That man was attracted to me and we were wild in bed. U know when a man doesn’t like you. That’s total bs, I don’t understand how he can say: I’m not ready to have a relationship- I’m afraid of getting hurt. I don’t know what I want etc. and then go off on a dating site looking for a long term relationship…wtf? What am I missing?? Please help me and tell me he truth.

    5. Avatar

      Daisy

      March 23, 2015 at 3:00 am

      Hi, what advice do you have for me? There’s more to the story, I’m scared about contacting him once the NC period is over…what do I say? I’m scared he’ll either ignore or react negatively. I’m not sure actually. How should I approach the situation? What if he’s dating from the website? I wish I could go through the whole experience with someone who has real insight into this sort of stuff so I can get some solid advice and suggestions. Any thoughts?? Please let me Know. Thanks, D.

    6. Avatar

      Daisy

      March 28, 2015 at 11:14 am

      What are your thoughts on all of this honestly… I read the info on the link you provided. Im not sure if it relates specifically to this situation. Pls. Help…should I contact him after the 30 day NC rule?

    7. Avatar

      Daisy

      March 19, 2015 at 10:14 am

      Omg! Last night I had the idea of checking something online. I saw him on a dating site, saying or quoting things that I had written him and using photos I took while we were together. It was painful. Specially since he wrote things on his profile that he shared with me that were supposedly intimate for him from his life. It looks like he was trying to recreate what we shared. He even shared his dreams and he mentioned certain activities that I taught him like dancing – which he learned from me and was never interested in before. I just feel betrayed, like he’s going out of his way to appear to move on or to try to find someone like me! It’s like he wants to find exactly what we had with someone else…what?!!! I don’t get it. Please what do I do? I’m scared that he’ll meet someone and they’ll start dating. I’m so hurt, I’m doing the no contact rule for 3 more weeks (I really only have 2 more to go) but I’m scared it won’t work because he will find someone else. Or won’t be interested. After the NC is over, what do I do?????? Please help me…

  20. Avatar

    kanary

    March 15, 2015 at 8:41 pm

    1. Love is not a one way street
    2. I’ve turned into someone i’m not towards you
    3. I know in your heart you want it to work, but its not the same for me.
    4. I’m your first boyfriend. life is not going to be over
    5. I love you as a person, but I’m not in love with you.
    6. We’ve tried many times before, more times than i can remember. If you love me let me go.

    While saying all this he told me he was crying and said that it hurts him.
    It was painful to hear these things especially when i never gave up on him during the hard times (been together 11 years)

    1. admin

      admin

      March 18, 2015 at 6:43 pm

      Wow, that is pretty brutal…

      This is the deployed husband that said this to you?

    2. Avatar

      kanary

      March 18, 2015 at 8:10 pm

      yes, awe you remember me lol. he contacted me two days ago and said “I’m still not ready, but i feel that its unfair to you so i’m forcing myself”. But i didn’t respond back. Then he told his best friend that he’s not ready for a relationship. That he wants to do him, find himself, and figure out what he wants.

    3. admin

      admin

      March 21, 2015 at 3:07 pm

      Sounds like a ton of mixed signals to me.

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