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All-or-Nothing Mistake
September 16, 2016 at 10:09 am
Ok. I’ve been all over your website and I’m in the process of buying your book, but I need some advice on what to do. My ex boyfriend and I dated for a year and three months. We had a few bumps on the way, nothing bad just argumentso here and there. In December of 2015 we got in another argument and we were working on getting everything back on track when he dumped me. I immediately stat edwards NC with him. It was hard because we worked in the same building, but different departments. So we saw each once in a while. It was hard, but I ignored him. 3 months later I took steps to get him back my friend requesting him on facebook and he immediately accepted my request. I started saying hi in the hallways and liking some stuff on his page and he reciprocated. Low and behold we got back together in may and we picked up where we left off. I’m not sure if that was a good thing or not. We were back together until July this time I ended things. For that week his ex (who he is friends with) posted online that they were going to make certain drink together. He had never mentioned anything to me about going to see her. She lived in a different city and he just got his car less then a month before. He told me he wasn’t and I believed him. I told him exactly how I felt about is ex ( not very positive) essentially I said she was being disrespectful by stating plans that were never going to happen with my boyfriend. They (the ex and him) broke up three months before we got together. She use to show up at the job (we worked together then) asking for him blow up his phone and then blow up the phone at work. Eventually they ended up being friends about 5 months after we were together. Well anyway, I had that discussion with him on Saturday and he stated he understood that he’d talk to her and that he loved me. On Sunday I couldn’t get a hold of him. I called and texted and nothing. He deactivated his Facebook. I was so angry I looked on her (the ex) facebook and there is a picture of them together. So I immediately stopped all contact. He texted me that Monday morning saying he loved and trusted me and he was sorry that he ignored me and that he hopes I forgive him but I ignored it. That monday he started working in my department so we saw each other everyday, hut we work in a call center so we didnt speak. After that I calmed down and decided to focus on me. About 2 weeks ago (early September) we ended up walking together into the building because we have to same shift and I decided to ask him why he lied. I turned to him and said let me ask you a question. He was on the phone at the time and he immediately but it away and gave me his full attention. I ask why he lied and long story short we talked about it after work and found that the ex uploaded and old picture of them together when he saw her during her graduation ( I knew he went to see her for that). He never saw it because he deactivated his Facebook before she uploaded and when he reactivated it was after we stopped talking and he didn’t put 2 and 2 together. When I asked why he never tried to contact me after one text he said that I told him if he ever vanished again not to come back ( that was true). We talked for over an hour and I asked him so where does that leave us. He proceeded to tell me he was starting school next month in October and was going to work part-time at a daycare and he didn’t have time for a relationship. That he just wanted to be friends. I was also starting the process of going back to school and agreed that that would be the best course of action. After trying that for 2 weeks it wasn’t working for me. We both made mistakes trying to be friends kissing touching little things like that. Sometimes he would slip up and call me bae. It was hard to wrap my head around us being friends. I felt like I was going crazy not being able to call him mine, because I loved him. I of course talked to him about what it meant to be just friends between us, because I’ve never done it before and the answers I got I didn’t really like. So after surfing the Web I found that people who become friends aflyer a break up typically remain friends and never get back together and that is not what I want. So after some thinKing I called him last night. I told him I wanted him not matter what. That i had his back when he went to get his life together ( setting up a bank account, direct deposit, fasfa etc). That i wouldn’t hinder his process on life and I would be doing the same thing. I told him I couldn’t be friends that I would risk it all for another chance to be with him. I said all or nothing, because I wasn’t strong enough to just be his friends. I laid out everything I had on reasons why. He waited and thought and said all or nothing. I said yeah all or nothing. He said he respected my position and what I was saying but he couldnt change his position. So I asked him you are choosing nothing then and he said I guess I am. I told him I loved him and he told me he loved me and I said goodbye. That was about 8 hours ago. Now I’m wondering what I do know. I know I’ll focus on school, but what have I ruined all chances of us getting back together? Did I push to far to soon? Is it over completely now? Do I start NC again? Please, please tell me what my next step is. I need help please.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 18, 2016 at 5:25 pm
Hi All or nothing mistake,
For me, if you are going to do no contact, you have to portray that you have really moved on so, when you start talking again, he would think that you’re just being friendly. But getting real, if he’s going to school and doing part time, it means it would really be hard to have a relationship. So, you have to take it slow. I think you should do 45 days. So that means, you would start to reconnect when you and him, have already started school. Make this nc productive to improve yourself.
Broken
September 12, 2016 at 5:35 pm
Hii
My boyfriend of nearly a year broke up with me, I was so shocked because everything went on welll, people thought he was going to marry me.
Only last week he said he can’t love me and we should remain friends because he wants me in his life and he cares for me ,which I disagreed to.i cried for days trying to convince him that I love him and wouldn’t want to be friends .I think the reason why he broke up with me is because I was so jelous and also I was always saying I loved him, but he said he doesn’t feel the same towards me. After the break up he tried calling me for two days or three but I ignored because I was hurt. Three days later I called him still trying to convince him to be in a relationship with me ,but he still insisted on being friends. Do you think the NC will work?
Do you think I can get him back with the NC?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 14, 2016 at 1:53 pm
HI Broken,
we can’t assure that.. the only thing nc can help is to increase your chances of getting him back. Do you want to try doing 30 days?
Kim
September 11, 2016 at 11:40 pm
I dated my ex bf for a little over a month. About 3 weeks ago he became quiet, kinda distant, and them in a roundabout way broke it off. He said he loves being with me, he cares about me deeply, and he thinks I’m an amazing lover (he was always insanely attracted to me physically). He said the only thing he doesn’t like about me is that he doesn’t think I trust him and that results in conflicts. He has a very demanding job and he said he just doesn’t have the energy for a relationship that can’t seem to be free of conflict for even one week. I know he is honest and I trust him completely. What I get upset about is not being able to spend as much time as I’d like to with him. I want him to “let me into his world.” He said he thinks I’ve been hurt in the past and can’t seem to get over it…why he feels I get upset with him. There is some truth to that. But he went from extremely attentive via texts, calling, and having me over as much as his schedule allows right now, to not wanting to talk about his feelings, not wanting me to try to convince him to give me a chance to make some needed changes in the way I respond to not getting or hearing what I want from him, or even getting together because he knows I’ll try to change his mind, and says “It just won’t work.” (The relationship) He said he doesn’t want to hurt me and he doesn’t want to be hurt, that it’s been really hard for him, and he would like to remain friends. He said all my texts that I thought would convince him, just started to push him away instead. I finally said I’d like to get my portable dog pen from him, and he said he’d bring it to his work the next day. I told him I’d pick it up off his porch so he wouldn’t have to worry about seeing me. We went back and forth and he finally said he’d put it out at 5:30am, which I thought was odd to give an exact time, knowing I would not be by until later, unless I purposefully went to work early. I told him that would work, but I wouldn’t be able to pick it up until later, but would for sure get it when he wasn’t there, before I headed home after work. The next morning he stopped by my work, where he saw me by my car, and wanted to give me my pen. He acted like it was hard to just turn and leave. He kept saying, “What do you want?” Of course I said I wanted to be with him. He said it just won’t work, and that he couldn’t be friends with benefits, like we had joked about earlier in the relationship, because there were too many emotions that would be involved for both of us. I should add, neither one of us is looking for marriage or a set in stone LT promised commitment.
After he gave me my pen and I finally watched him leave on a Monday, I didn’t contact him at all. I’m sure he was in total shock after all the texts I’d been sending. That Friday, 4 days later, he texted me and asked if I was going to my Aunt’s funeral out of state. Something I mentioned in passing a few days prior to the breakup. I said it was on Labor Day Weekend and there were no openings anywhere to board them, so no, I wasn’t going. He texted right back that he would keep them and make it work with his work schedule. I thanked him but graciously declined. (Wish I hadnt) he said he understood, but would have done whatever he needed to help me and that he was sorry I didn’t get to go. I know this is extremely long. I’m sorry! I only add all these details because I think they say something quite different than what is coming out of his mouth. He also always includes information in his texts that someone uses when they want you to know they aren’t going out or “looking.” He is a straight shooter and doesn’t play games or do the jealousy crap. It’s refreshing! IS THERE ANY HOPE FOR US IN YOUR OPINION??? Thank you for your time.
IS THERE ANY HOPE IN YOUR OPINION???
Kim
September 14, 2016 at 1:31 am
If we did have too many arguments in too short a time, and it scared him off, CAN he or is it possible to get him back? If so….How!???!?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 17, 2016 at 11:26 am
Although I can’t guarantee that nc will work, it’s still a better choice for me because now, it just looks like you’re friendzoned. It’s the only way I can think of that can help you have a restart with him.. Use the nc to improve, so that there is a chance for him to change the way he thinks about you. If you want, you can tell him you’re not ready to be friends and when you are you’ll reach out and then do 30 days nc.. Even if you were just a month together, because of the fights and what happened after the break up, I don’t think 21 days will do..
Kim
September 14, 2016 at 1:23 am
Hi Amor! Thank you for responding! I need help fixing or reversing the damage I’ve done. Please!
To clarify, we dated for a month and considered ourselves a couple. After that month, and some signs that I wanted more of his time than he honestly had to offer (which I knew going into this), he pulled back a little for a few days. Then he pushed ahead and said he wanted something too, and that we most likely wanted the same thing, but he knew I wouldn’t want to just be with him for sex, and he admitted that he knew that wouldn’t be the best for him either. We continued to see each other, as usual, and then I got upset, emotionally, the last night we were together. Something he said, which was totally innocent on his part, was twisted by me and became a pretty big “To Do” that I’m sure really did concern him, if not scare him off. He was very sweet and caring, but started to create distance and was very quiet. I asked him if everything was okay and he started down the path of being friends. It broke my heart! I feel like he doesn’t want to let go, BUT is afraid of moving forward.
Amor…why else would someone not want to see you or talk to you about ‘feelings’…??? IMO…it’s because they don’t trust themselves to not give in.
I tried doing NC, but I gave in because he isn’t into games and I don’t want to “shut him out.” I broke down and told him I missed him and wanted to wrap myself in his arms (nothing more), last night.
CAN I FIX THIS AND MAKE HIM FEEL THE WAY HE DID BEFORE, OR HAVE I LOST HIM????
Kim
Kim
September 11, 2016 at 11:49 pm
I wanted to clarify that I meant to say there was no openings anywhere to board MY DOGS. And that he offered to keep MY DOGS. Somehow I left that out and it didn’t make much sense.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 13, 2016 at 5:17 pm
Hi Kim,
it looks like he missed, just after 4 days, because you’re right, he’s not used to you not texting him. I just want to clear something out. You said you dated over a month and he went distant for three weeks. So, that means he was only sweet for a week or two and then after that he became distant but you kept talking after the break up and then there was a talk for trying friends with benefits but he doesn’t like that..
because from what you said, you sound like you had a little too much of arguments in such a short amount of time and maybe it was just too much for him?
Katie
September 8, 2016 at 9:14 pm
Hello! A year ago my long-distance boyfriend and I broke up. He didn’t want to breakup and wanted to at least keep talking as friends. I did no contact for 4 months until we’d messaged each other, hung out, and at some point had sex *OH NO*. Afterwards he gave me a bunch of mixed messages saying he didn’t have feelings for me anymore but also is really aware of how he feels around me. I did NC again for another 4 months before he messaged me again to see how I was doing. I responded but in very short form. A few more months went by and I ended up giving him a call. We talked on the phone for 30 minutes—super cheery, lots of updates and conversation about life. We ended up meeting up a few days later because I was in his city visiting friends—went for a bike ride and then had drink and food. At the end of the night he’d asked if I had somewhere to stay—I said I was staying with a friends and was heading back there now. He said I could stay the night as his but then abruptly added that I “have to sleep on the couch”. I politely declined and went to my friends. I want to have him back in my life—dating or as friends. I ended up texting him to say if he was still willing to be friends that I’d like that. He said he would too. Despite his response, he hasn’t contacted me or displayed any typical sign of friendship in the last two months since.
I don’t want to keep contacting him but I want contact with him. What’s a woman to do?
Thanks 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 10, 2016 at 8:45 am
Hi Katie,
I think you started good this last attempt.. the only thing you have to avoid next time is asking to be friends, and just be friends.. do things that friends do, talk what friends talk about and continue to maintain yourself. Have your own routine, keep being interesting by not being too available.. Take control of conversations.
Talk to him not because you want him back, talk to him because you’re just being friendly. Start with that.
Kit
September 7, 2016 at 12:35 am
My boyfriend and I broke up recently (4 days ago), because I found some weird messages to girls in his phone. We dated for about 5 months, 3 exclusively. I am 23, he is 27. Prior to this, I was virtually the perfect girlfriend, waited for him to call and text first, well mannered, patient, kind, etc. But I did have the habit of crying when I felt things not going well, which he told me he took personally, and he felt he couldn’t make me happy. We were spending our first weekend together, prior to me finding the text messages in the phone. I snooped because I felt we were getting closer, and I just wanted to be certain there wasn’t anything to worry about. He didn’t get upset with me at all for reading them, and kept apologizing and saying they were friends, and he was just being silly, or being overly friendly. I was hurt and upset, ( he used some of the special names he called me on them) and flip flopped between forgiving him and wanting to break up with him. I finally called early in the morning before work crying hysterically because I was so hurt and worried he would do it again. We talked, and I asked how would he like it if I did that to him, and told him that if we stay together, I get to do that to him. It was at this point, he changed his mind about staying with me. He didn’t contact me for an entire day and a half, and when he did, he texted me everything was ok. I had to pick up something from the store he works at, and he spotted me and proceeded to text me that he was angry I didn’t say hello. He then texted, called, and left a voicemail breaking up with me three hours later. I called him back to attempt o reconcile, but he wouldn’t budge, and just said “let’s be friends”. I agreed, and we got off the phone. About ten minutes later, he changed his Facebook status to single and deleted pictures of he and I together, which I felt was understandable. But then he blocked me. I was so angered by this, (when he had just said he wanted to be friends!) I am ashamed to say I showed up at his house. He wasn’t home. I texted, so you want to be friends, but you delete and block me? He responds “I only blocked you”. I then go back the next morning, and he’s home. We talk for about an hour and a half, and I attempt to reconcile, but he declines saying we should just be friends. I ask how can we be friends if you blocked me? He tells me he will unblock me, and delete a post about how he’s so happy and blessed to be single again, but he doesn’t. We have sporadic texting for the next few days, where he seems angry and closed off to me, short discussions about a bit of money he owes me (I wasn’t that concerned). I kept things short and sweet and upbeat, letting him know I was out of town, and he could drop it in my mailbox. He severely declined, and insisted I pick it up from his job when I get back. I didn’t respond (I honestly didn’t care about the money all that much, not enough to chase him down at his job for it). However, I couldn’t resist the urge to bump into him today while he was working. I had on a cute little outfit, my hair was well done, and I ignored him as I entered. I heard him audibly utter (oh sh*t!). Upon leaving, I stopped to say hello. He looked gray, and had a distinct blank and unaffected manner about him. He offered a hug, and I accepted. He let me know he was going to be an uncle again in a few days, mentioned the money again, and I headed to leave. I heard him utter “it was nice seeing you” which I ignored. I texted him an hour later saying it was great to see you. I miss you, papi (he’s hispanic). He then asked me not to call him that, as we are just friends (I’m still blocked at this point). I ask if he still wants to be my papi and superman, and get no reply. I then text, “nvm, I have to get going, ttyl! :). He finally responds, saying we’re better as friends, that way no one’s feelings get hurt, and that I should take care and have a nice day. And here I am now, wondering what to do next. Please help. I really do want him back (my feelings for him were so deep; I took my time; we hadn’t even had sex yet; waiting on STD Testing), but he has really hurt me, and I’m not sure I can forgive the blocking and weird messaging.
Kit
September 9, 2016 at 3:16 pm
Yes, I am currently in day 3 of no contact.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 10, 2016 at 12:14 pm
That’s good!Do at least 30 days.. Focus in improving yourself during no contact. Don’t check his account nor greet him if you see him. If he greets you be civil. Give short polite replies but don’t be engaging to talk.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 8, 2016 at 5:45 am
Hi kit,
are you going to do the no contact rule?
Lil
September 5, 2016 at 3:47 pm
My ex and I have been broken up for less than a month. we had decided to stay friends and be cool. He started messaging me a lot the day after the breakup but I was being short. Eventually he got tired of me not replying and said he wasn’t going to beg for me. I didn’t reply.
We ran into each other at a club this weekend. He was with another girl. Yet called me in the morning to let me know he wasn’t with her and didn’t try to do it on purpose to make me jealous. That same day he texted that he missed me and then went to go visit me at work. I acted normal said hi and then continued doing my job. After he left he texted me and asked me to hangout.
I ended up going over, which I regret because I wanted to do the NC thing so he could miss me. We were watching our favorite show together and then he eventually tried to kiss me but I didn’t give in. Once he saw I wasn’t interested in doing anything with him he got kind of upset and just walked me out.
He texted me the next day asking me to go to the gym with him. I simply didn’t reply. Is he still going to miss me? Or no because I broke the NC rule?
Lil
September 6, 2016 at 2:50 pm
When we started dating we took things a bit too fast. I got really caught up in the relationship and I’ll admit I became clingy. I feel like I started pushing him away because of that. Then all the problems started. He wasn’t treating me how I should have been treated. I found messages from other girls. He would always prefer hanging out with his friends than hanging out with me. But I was so attached that I just stayed there. Many times I could tell he just wanted to leave but I was stubborn and kept fighting for him. Eventually I realized that if I kept letting things slide, it would just get worse. So I put my foot down and ended things.
I still have hope that we’ll get back together. I still have feelings for him. I can’t stop thinking about him. But I want him to see my worth and realize everything he did to me. The only way I can think of doing that is by NC. My fear is that he’ll just move on. So I’m not sure if to give it time or just slowly start talking to him again.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 7, 2016 at 8:09 am
The nc should be productive. Be active in improving yourself. Yes, the absence can make him miss you but the improvement during and after no contact is the most important thing that you should do because that will help in making him regret leaving you.
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 6, 2016 at 2:21 pm
Hi Lil,
he is still going to miss you.. are you going to restart it? Why did you break up?
Natalia
September 3, 2016 at 6:26 am
My bf broke up with me after getting fired from our work and deffered for 3 yrs from his dream career cause of it. He dumped me over text saying he was considering moving and “had to make some tough decisions since life is messed”. I know he is lost and unhappy and he has become more negative. I totally feel like his therapist now whenever he texts and i dont want that. I was diatance in texting and he would get upset if i didnt reply or took too long lol. So i texted him to go figure it out and be alone for a while. That i wanted him to be happy and i need someone who is completely in and i wouldnt want ro be with someone whos not 100% about wanting to be with me and said take care. He replied and you dont want to stay friends in the mean time? I replied maybe in the future. And that has been it. Been a few days and no response. Will he response? Is there a way he can push tgrough rhis and get back to normal? Im upset he dumped me after going through this hard time. Makes me think about tougher times in the future. What do u think?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 4, 2016 at 10:01 am
Hi Natalia,
stay strong in no contact.. there’s a chance he will still text you but dont break it unless he wants you back.. how long were together?
Ann Taylor
August 29, 2016 at 7:50 am
Hi I would be grateful for some advice. My boyfriend and I had been going out for six years until last month when he broke up with me. He said we had different priorities, he wants kids sooner than me and said I prioritise my career too much. I have begged him to give me another chance and cut down on my work commitments. I went away for most of the past month on a prearranged holiday and to give him some space. We texted while I was away and sometimes he was really engaging and other times it felt like he was pushing me away. Now he has got in touch to say he just wants to be friends but he wants us to still live together as he would be lonely on his own and he enjoys my company as a friend. What particularly worries me is he is constantly texting another girl. He says they aren’t going out but he might go out with her or someone else in the future and if so, he will move out then as he doesn’t want to disrespect me. I’m very confused what to do now. Should I follow the advice for him having a new girlfriend or for being in the friendzone? Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 30, 2016 at 9:49 pm
Hi Ann Taylor,
First, dont agree on being friendzoned.. about the new girl, you cant control if he’ll date her or not
July
August 26, 2016 at 2:18 am
I want to apply this NC rule but me n my bf are in same office and in same friends group.. and it’s really difficult to avoid each other.. please suggest
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 29, 2016 at 5:12 pm
Hi July,
this one fits you more: EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend
Confuseed
August 24, 2016 at 5:30 pm
Hi Amor,
I don’t know where to start. I met my boyfriend 2 years ago in a flight to Paris where we both live, but we started dating only one year later. Everything was going great, we always had a really good time together, he makes me laugh and he seemed happy with me. He also said it several times. 4 months after the beginning of our relationship, I had to go to the US for an internship during 6 months, and I told him that I didn’t want to break up with him but i also didn’t want our relationship to be a burden for my 6 month experience, so i told him that we will try to stay together as long as we didn’t argue and we tried to be relaxed about it. 6 months passed and he surprised me by being thoughtful, and supportive and I also tried to keep things interesting and to be relaxed if we didn’t call each other everyday. We stayed together and it seemed easy.
Once, I returned in Paris we could finally enjoy being together but at the same time we had different circles of friends and we weren’t spending all our time together and it was working for us. I enjoyed our rhythm. I felt that for the first time that it was easy being with someone who has the same needs.
But this summer, after 1 year and a half together, I traveled during 3 weeks with my girl friends, and the day I returned he broke up with me. I didn’t see it coming, since we weren’t arguing before. He said that he was thinking of breaking up during a month, since the day he learned that he had to live in another city ( just a few hours ride from Paris) next year. He told me that he didn’t want things to end badly, and that he cares for me, thats why he’s doing it now and not once “problems” will surface.
– First I don’t understand his logic. At least, once you try and things don’t work out because of the distance, then its a reason to split apart, but not just anticipating problems that may or not occur.
– Second, he says that he wants to keep contact with me , and thats the most important thing for him. That is why he wants to break up and not “disappoint” me with his behavior once he move away. He contacted me few times , sending nice texts. I didn’t respond.
I don’t know how to deal with him. I am doing NC now since 2 weeks, trying to do things, travel, working out … But I miss him so much. And i don’t know if after NC I should talk to him, and then he would certainly friend zone me since it is all he wishes : that i talk to him. What should I do ? How can he change his mind ?
Confuseed
August 29, 2016 at 8:28 pm
Thank you Amor for your response.
First, when he announced me he wanted to breakup I told him it was a mistake , and that this time it was different from the first experience. We evolved. But his mind. Was already made.
After that I took one week for myself , traveled, and enjoyed time with friends. At the end of the week , he came to get his things back. I said that maybe his decision was right because, I deserved someone who was willing to fight for me. He agreed and told me that he was missing me since he has no news from me, and wishes that I will try and talk to him. I answered that I wasn’t sure about that, and that I will try maybe if I was ready.
I don’t know if it was the right things to say.
But since then ( 3 weeks now) , I am doing everything to show that I am feeling good , and enjoying myself. He hasn’t reached out since then.
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 28, 2016 at 4:54 pm
Hi Confuseed,
He is trying to do what you did but his way is friendzoning you.. coz you’re style when you went away is that “there’s no pressure” if it hards then you just break up right?
which in a way is actually good because that made him feel relaxed and now that he’s in the same position, he doesn’t know how to do the same but just to break up..
it’s good that you did nc right away..but what did you say to him after his proposal? dod you tell him you dont like it or you just stopped responding?
either way, be amazing during nc.. make him want to try to make it work with you by being amazing and having fun without him
Derly
August 24, 2016 at 3:10 pm
Hi
Actually I read your page and it seems you can help me figure this situation out.
My bf and I have been in relationship for a year and 6months. Then he suddenly said he is confused and we cannot be together again. He later on explained I am not mature enough and confessed that I was a good girlfriend, that he enjoyed doing everything with me and that he is so comfortable with me and will prefer we stay as friends. I refused and became silent for close to two weeks. Then one morning he called asking me to send my resume for a job opportunity in his company which I did. Since then we started discussing again. He keeps asking me to be his friend. We have a friend who is getting married so he asked me to help him look for the dress he is going to put on, I accepted. Recently he called to tell me he is sick so I decided to drop at his house with some food and watch tv shows with him. While there he kept on trying to kiss me and bringing me to his bed, I refused saying we are no more tgether. But he kept insisting, when i asked what he wants from me he said he wants me to just accept things as they are. I am really very confused cause I want him back but I am not sure if being his friends will sort things out. What should I do please help me
Derly
September 4, 2016 at 9:38 pm
Hi Armor
Thank you for your reply. Actually the job did not work out to be positive. Do you think I should just stop the relation? Or go in for NC rule?
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 6, 2016 at 6:47 am
Go for the nc rule 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 28, 2016 at 3:52 pm
Hi Derly
first he was trying to friendzone you, now he’s trying to be friends with benefits with you.. how’s the job application in his company coming along?
Joanne
July 23, 2016 at 11:58 am
Hey, i usually never do this but this time i feel worse than every time i ever got dumped.. The difference is, this time i dumped him, well not exactly, i made him choose, he couldn’t so i made the decision for him. Ok so me and this guy were dating for a couple of months (we didn’t see each other more than once a week because we live more than an hour away from each other) and my gut feeling was telling me something. So i just asked him if he was dating other girls, he wasn’t but he admitted he had a friends with benefits. I didn’t get mad because to be honest i was really shocked.. We agreed he would come and see me the next week so i had time to let it sink in and we would talk about it further. And so we did, during that week he made a lot of effort to contact me and he was really kind. But then he came to me and we talked, he said i was the perfect daughter in law and with me it was different, he saw a future for us, he could feel it but he didn’t want to stop having sex with the other girl yet because i came in to his life too soon and he needs to feel free first for a while. I told him i could’t do that, he asked me if we could go on as we were and see how it would end but i was very stubborn and said no. Also he thought we might continue to be only friends and i was stubborn and said no again. One week has passed and i fel horrible, i send him a text saying i agree on being friends, he said he was happy to hear that but he seems frigid and not really excited. I want to see him again but i don’t want to be clingy (and just grabbing a coffee might seem weird because we live so far apart) What should i do? I feel really lost
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 23, 2016 at 2:31 pm
Hi Joanne,
do you want to try what Chris advised?
Elena
July 21, 2016 at 10:49 am
Hi ! my ex-boyfriend broke up with me because he’s not in love with me. He told me he sees no future togheter as couple but he wants to remain friends. It is really hard because I am still in love with him. He still texts me. It hurst me somehow because it seems he’s already moved on and i am still stucked with thiese feelings 🙁
I don’t know what to do
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 22, 2016 at 12:09 pm
HI Elena,
do you want to try what Chris advised?
Kyle
July 21, 2016 at 1:18 am
It’s the other way around for me my girlfriend
Broke up with me an used every single thing I was suppose to use on her on me & it’s confusing that’s like a dude trying to think like the next dude & it’s impossible can one of you women help.
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 22, 2016 at 9:32 am
HI KYle,
what do you mean that you did every single thing?
Trying With all My Heart
July 20, 2016 at 2:01 pm
Hello! My boyfriend and I of a year and a half had run into some problems. Mostly it feel like I was pushing and he wasn’t ready. We took a few breaks and took some steps back. Now he thinks “we should focus on trying to just be friends and not confuse the issue.” The problem with the NC rule is that we are neighbors. . makes things majorly difficult in that regard. I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone else in my life. The connection I had with him was the strongest and deepest and he really helped me put my life and my goals into perspective. Any advice you could give me would be phenomenal. We are amazing together and I don’t want to lose that.
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 21, 2016 at 5:36 pm
hi Trying with all my heart,
do you go out and see each other everyday?
Rosy
July 19, 2016 at 12:41 pm
I’m meeting up with my ex BF soon. He just messaged me and said he wants to catch up but he wants me to know he’d only like to stay friends and nothing more. And I told him not to worry about that and just let me know when he can meet. He said he just didn’t wanna give out mixed signals (even though he did for so long) we’ve been talking every week for ages. Anyway, let me know what to do.
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 21, 2016 at 9:07 am
Hi Rosy,
follow what Chris advised here and read this one too: EBR 043: How To Handle The First Date With Your Ex Boyfriend
ANON
July 18, 2016 at 10:54 pm
Hi,
So while I am willing to do no contact on my ex boyfriend, I have some questions about my particular situation, because I can’t help but feel that my situation is a little different. He and I are each other’s first loves, and we dated for almost four years. This is our second break up, and it happened about a month ago. The conflict I am having is that he and I seem to have something atypical, there is somewhat of an agreement between us that we will be in each other’s lives forever. He has dated other girls during our first break up, and while he told me he had feelings of infatuation towards them, nothing he felt for them ever affected the love he had for me. The reason we broke up the second time is that he wants to be single. He made lots of mistakes after our first break up and really feels that he needs to heal and work on himself, and that he can only do this if he is not focused on another person. However he has told me that I am his soulmate, he will never stop loving me, that we will have our relationship in time and that I am the only person he envisions having kids with, etc. So in the meantime, while we are not dating, he has proposed that we continue to be friends, but not in the normal sense. He says that the relationship we have will not be anything like what he or I has with anyone else, because we still have strong feelings for each other and are still very atttacted to each other. He has said that I have gravity over him and that he feels he will always come back to me, but that he wants a lifetime with me in the meantime. So in essence, he wants to have the social relationship of being friends in the way we interact in public and the expectations we have of each other in terms of communication. But this is all without trying to get over the feelings we have for each other or denying that they exist. The last time I saw him, in this new friendly arrangement, he continued to hold my hand, kiss me, say I love you, etc. But when we are apart, the chat is friendly rather than romantic, and we no longer see each other all the time as a couple would. We don’t call each other as often, but when we do, the conversation is effortless and genuine. When we spend time together, we actually have fun. I honestly feel that removing the responsibility from the equation and just enjoying this strange, in between relationship we have may be the healthiest thing for both of us. He and I need to focus on ourselves, but it was impossible for either of us to do that work when we tried to exit each others lives completely. If I am certain that we will be together in the future, maybe even years from now, shouldn’t I just be with him in a way that both of us need? We are still exclusive, meaning that as long as he and I are still kissing or holding hands, he isn’t doing anything with anyone else. It is almost like casual dating except exclusively and with less “relationship roles and responsibilities”. He and I need to do work on ourselves, but we can’t do that work without each other. But, we can’t be in a relationship because our feelings are too intense and we fight too much, and it is too stressful for both of us. He has even admitted that he believes that the best chance we have of making it work someday is if we managed to get over our old relationship, and learned to function differently together. What happened last time was that we separated completely, and never learned to behave in any way other than how we did in our failed relationship. So when we came back together, we picked up where we left off. For us, I don’t think it is possible to learn to be together in any sort of healthy way if we just cut each other off. So in this way, isn’t it sometimes a good thing to be friends? We have agreed that if either of us becomes interested in dating someone else, we will discuss it. And if wr are friends, I feel that I could be happy for him, whereas when we were separated I did not feel happy for him at all, because I was attempting to detach completely and it only resulted in more resentment. In any case, there is an understanding between us that relationships we have with other people will never negate what we feel for each other, and that we will always come back to each other in the end. The love we have has surpassed that of friends or family, he and I have become life partners, and it is something that cannot be broken by labels.
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 20, 2016 at 1:09 pm
Hi Anon,
if you are sure with what you’re doing now, you wouldn’t need to ask us.
or is it because you feel being strung along?
tinatin
July 18, 2016 at 9:21 pm
hello
i will try to cut a really long story short. so me and my bf have been good friends for 3 years we both liked each other but i thought he didn’t like me and he thought i didn’t like him. it was only after he confessed that we learned both of us had mutual feelings for 3 years. I was accepted to be an exchange student in US so after 3 month of being in a relationship i had to leave my country, so we were in LDR for 1 year. We tried texting each other at first but it didn’t work out well and I am generally the type of person who feels good wherever she is and doesn’t cling to people. We didn’t really break the connection but it was once in a month or so, when i was coming back to my country he texted me asking how i was feeling an so on. One night he texted me I was someone very special for him, with whom he enjoys doing just anything way more that with anybody else, he said he doesn’t feel exact same way as before but he wants to meet with me and talk to me. So in 2 weeks we met up it was really good comfortable, without any stress. i did want to initiate talking about our relationship but i chose not to rush things. next day he texted me that i am the only girl he enjoys being with and he likes me a lot but doesn’t love me anymore. He doesn’t want to stop being friends with me but also doesn’t want to be in a relationship without honest feelings. He said he is right in the middle and cant decide what to do. He said he might fall in love with me again but now he is sorry if he dissapointed me. I thanked him for giving an honest response and told him I had no intention to be just friends with him as i loved him, it was either all or nothing, and as he said he doesn’t love me in meant we would stop contacting. But we made a promise while i was in US that we would go to a music concert together with friends and we already bought tickets, so i told him the concert would be exception. This happened on 12 July. on the very next day even though we broke up and i told him i didn’t want to be his friend he texted me casually talking about some scientific research about illusions. it was really interesting but as i said i have no intention of being just friends so i ignored his message. he left the city the next day and wont be coming till 25 July as it is a summer vacation for us (we are classmates and seniors in school). I know he will text me and we will see each other at concert on july 30. right after the concert i plan to do NC. it will be more effective because i know on a concert he will feel how good it is to spend time with me and want to keep in touch even more, and obviously feel upset that i am not responding back. I am just curious how to act on concert? and what do you think about this whole situation, how much likely is it to get back together, i really don’t need any hopes, with him or without i will be happy, I am not very emotional person and not desperate to chase him but if it is possible i do want to get back with him.
thank you very much for reading all this, i am sure it is really hard to answer so many love issues 😀 Good luck! :3
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 20, 2016 at 12:38 pm
Hi Tinatin,
I think thatls a good plan
just look your best and be light and calm.. if you can have fun, have fun!
lilly
July 16, 2016 at 10:45 am
hey i need an advice..so we broke up a year ago and he initiated it..it was quite bad.. i destroyed all the gifts which i gave it to him..i begged and tried convincing him but he dint change his decision..the reason he gave me was that he wasnt able to concentrate on his future..now when i actually stopped giving him attention ,he calls me or text me twice in a month saying he miss me wants to be friends ..but i have always told him that i cant be a friend to him and i dont want to talk to him as it got over ..can you please tell me whether i took correct decision or not.. n wat am i supposed to do..coz i feel like talking to him more when he contacts me but i also dont want to seem clingy..thank you
lilly
July 18, 2016 at 10:45 am
ohk and i am going to do in better way from now..but this will make sure that he will come back..i mean he may also just stop calling ..
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 19, 2016 at 6:39 pm
no contact doesn’t guarantee that you will get him back but it will help increase your chances than staying too available and being friendzoned
lilly
July 17, 2016 at 6:02 am
thanks for your reply amor.. this year from the month of march.. and forgot to mention that we were together for two years. and when he was asking me why i cant be his friend,i told him that its very hard for me to be friends as i cant kill my feelings for him.
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 18, 2016 at 10:27 am
If you mean you started no contact, yes you did the right thing.. focus in improving yourself and going out
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 16, 2016 at 9:01 pm
Hi Lilly,
you said you broke up a year ago.. but when did you actually stopped giving him attention?
Rene
July 15, 2016 at 1:19 am
What do you do if you start NC and it’s day one and he sends a text – I am thinking about you. He is also on a dating site. It’s one week post break up. 5 month relationship. Help!
EBR Team Member: Amor
July 15, 2016 at 4:20 pm
Hi Rene,
don’t reply and then focus in improving yourself during nc