The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,804 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

lora

March 10, 2014 at 8:32 am

i’ve just gone 3 days no contact. he hit me up just to “ask how i was doing? and i told him i was still sad and that maybe he shouldn’t hit me up for a while. should i delete him from facebook? should i block his number? i’m not going crazy on fb or anything or texting him.. i simply asked for space since he broke up with me and that i couldn’t tell him how i was doing over text.

Nina

March 11, 2014 at 12:01 am

Would you like a support buddy? We have to stay strong.

You broke no contact by answering his question. Start NC all over again and don’t talk to him and don’t reply when he talks to you.

As for Facebook, I’m trying to find the answers to that too, I’ve been going cold turkey from social media so I’m clueless as to what’s going on in FB.

sukhvir

March 10, 2014 at 4:29 am

Hello i had break up last week almost 10 days ago. Yesterday me and my ex we decided to give time to relationship. I’m still used to text or call him every morning to say good morning and also good night. Could you suggest me Is it right or not. I am feeling tht if i shouldn’t contact him for a month or 15 days , may be he will move on in his life or ?

please give me advice
Concerned girl

March 10, 2014 at 3:12 am

At the risk of whatever, I’ll be brutally frank. If a guy shows less interest in you for whatever reason, it’s simply because his attraction for you has diminished (whether it’s slightly or so much is another matter). Yes! No contact works…stay away for as long as possible, sometimes, it may even be for longer than the said 3 months. No matter how long it takes, don’t contact him first…they always come back! All my exs are currently chasing me like crazy…one after 6months, another after a year and I’m better empowered to deal with the situation appropriate ly. These men find us less attractive coz we act so pathetic like they’re the spice of our lives…like we can’t do without them. Build a life that functions beautifully with or without their presence in it and watch them chase you hard! Just my two cents 🙂
Birthday Dilemma

March 9, 2014 at 11:24 am

I started my no contact on 13th February and tomorrow is his birthday. Should I wish him if i want him back? Won’t not wishing inspite of being in the same school be a bit rude? He met with a minor accident and he was expecting me to come up to him but I didn’t initiate a thing as I was on my NC. Please help.

admin

March 10, 2014 at 5:37 pm

Nope no happy birthday wish.
Amanda

March 11, 2014 at 7:46 pm

I’m only 1 week into NC, it’s my birthday tomorrow.. If he wishes me a happy birthday (hopefully) do I say thank you.. Or ignore him? What if his birthday wishes are an olive branch?
Nina

March 11, 2014 at 12:06 am

Thank you, you answered a question I had as well. 🙂

UG

March 8, 2014 at 1:30 pm

If it was my ex’s idea to not communicate after our break up because “he needs to be by himself for a while”, or because “things get complicated when we talk” or he simply didnt want to talk to me anymore, should I wait the full 30 days before trying to contact him? I am now on day 27 of NC, should I wait the full 30?
dan

March 8, 2014 at 8:17 am

After 2 month of no contact, I talked to my ex boyfriend and he told me that he’s very mad of me not talking to him for 2 months, at the end of our discussion he told me “I need time to get used to having you around again” and “we just cant go back to normal cause its been two months” what soes that mean? Is there any hope to get back together in the future?

admin

March 8, 2014 at 7:19 pm

Maybe you should play it like this.

Don’t be too available for him.
dan

March 10, 2014 at 10:12 am

I did the NC rule for 2 months before talking to him, and he told he was so shocked thaat I didnt talk to him during that period, he also kept pointing it to me and said “2 months”!!! Should I do the NC rule again?

Mandy

March 8, 2014 at 1:48 am

Hi,

My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago coz I was being possessive, but he does behave Iike that.. I tried call him but he just blocked me on everything.. I now see him going out with some other girl and I see her uploading pictures with him.. Do u think I can get him back?? I still think he loves me.. Looking forward to hear from you..!!
Thanks,
Mandy

Amanda

March 22, 2014 at 1:22 am

Can I get a reply??
admin

March 22, 2014 at 5:10 pm

Sure!!!

What do you need help with?
Destiny

March 8, 2014 at 11:34 pm

Hi,

My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago coz I was being possessive, but he does behave Iike that.. I tried call him but he just blocked me on everything.. I now see him going out with some other girl and I see her uploading pictures with him.. Do u think I can get him back??

marie

March 7, 2014 at 11:07 pm

Hi, i need an advice.
Me and my “ex” dated for 4 years. He broke up with me 4 months ago because he had doubts about our relationship. We kept seing each other during theses 4 months and kept things “physical”. A mistake i regret now. When i saw that things weren’t changing, I talked to him about our break up, seriously this time. He said that he didn’t love me anymore like he used to. But honestly i find it hard to believe because he is very attracted to me. He wants to be “friends” and keep in touch, but i don’t want to. We go to the same college.
I am in NC now for about 2 weeks. He texted me , but i didn’t answer.
He sends me mixed signals. There is a big contradiction between what he says and what he does. What should I do ? Thanks a lot
rose

March 7, 2014 at 7:27 am

I dated my ex for 6 months and we had talked for 6 months before actually being in a relationship. It was LDR and it was going good he was amazing at first and i fell head over heels for him, him being my first love, he is 23 and im 20, he of course dated other people before me, but we broke up two weeks ago today exactly and I already knew we were going to break up since i felt unhappy because he wasn’t really texting me back and calling me and it felt like he became distant. We had broken up once before and i was the clingy ex gf who would text him since we didn’t end in bad terms and we had gotten back together 4 days later i was happy since i love him so much, but after the breakup the first time things changed i noticed he wasnt as sweet and nice lile before, we met up on a sunday and things we different he blamed it on being sick but i didn’t think so, he was a bit rude in some instances and distant. We ended up breaking up that same week on a Thursday, over text message which he told me he wasnt happy anymore with the relationship and he didn’t want to be with me anymore, i wasn’t happy either because he wasn’t trying anymore deep down i wanted to end the relationship but i thought maybe it would workout but it didn’t, i feel like he lost attraction for me, he is talking to other girls already and saying he has high standards. I dont want him back but do you think that if i Better my self and i go to the gym and just become more attractive he will see what he lost? And by the way i am doing NC, since the day we broke up he asked for space and i told him we both needed space he said he would be their for me if i needed him but seeing that he talks to other girls is hurting me.

admin

March 7, 2014 at 6:58 pm

Are you two still long distance?

Rani

March 7, 2014 at 3:16 am

HI,
we broke up last month, and then for week we talked as friend but then he was not responding me properly(he was rude and not caring)as before. so I start No contact rule 2 days before.
but he keeps on messaging me “asking where am I”. and now days its hard to ignore people without letting them know that they are been ignored.

we always used to talk on facebook. he have messaged me on facebook and he know i always have my cell with me and I keep on checking it. what should i do should reply him back ? or let him know that I am ignoring him.

rani

March 7, 2014 at 7:59 pm

Can you please reply
admin

March 8, 2014 at 6:56 pm

Yes? Whats up?
rani

March 9, 2014 at 1:24 am

Should I.let.my x knw that his been ignorre ? Brcos hr take thibgs seriously .

Lau

March 6, 2014 at 6:47 pm

Hello,
Im 31 and my ex and I separated two months ago. When we decided to star the relationship the only way for it to go on was for me to move down to Argentina where he is from. he left the house once he decided to finally tell me that he didnt love me anymore and that we had to split. I agreed. I never saw him again. i told him that i had decided to leave Argentina. he didnt say much..we arranged a coulple of economic issies and never heard back from him. days later, when i was already here in the U.S he emailed me to ask me a favor regarding the vacations we were supposed to go together and that i planned and arranged al by muyself and that he dicided to go to with his brothers. I helped him. 10 days ago he sent me another email asking me for the pictures of the time and travels we did together. they ere al in my computer. I was shocked. he never contacted me to see what had happended to me and now he emails me for some stupid pics. yesterday, 2 months after we decided to separate. I sent him a whatsapp. wishing him to feel better for his grandmom’s death and once he replied i asked him why he emailed asking for thos pics now, why contacting me for those kind of things and never to see what had happened to me. I started telling him how much he had hurt me. he said he was sorry and bla bla. i also said that he still thinks the decision to separate was the right one. I agreed telling him that love inst sacrifice and mistreatment. i said a couple of things more, of course i said mucho more than he did. i cried non stop while texting him and after. I have not been able to recover my self from that conversacion. Im angry with him and mostly with my self for texting him. i though i needed to get some closure by telling him how much he hurt me but now i feel horrible. Why? was it sus a huge mistake to text him? how can I get over this now..I feel very sad and angry and stil confused…I never get what is in his mind…or may be he simple doesnt care.
Thank you!!!
Liz

March 6, 2014 at 4:08 am

I dated a guy for three months and he would say I was an amazing woman only his behavior did not make me feel that way. He would go absent for three, four day stretches (blamed it on crazy work schedule), he would not invite me to his home, although he frequently stayed at mine. He said my house was better than his and he would show it to me when I returned from a two-month trip planned before I met him. What was surprising was a month into dating he said we WERE A COUPLE which was a surprise to me because he clearly doesn’t like to talk on the phone, though we do well when we see each other once a week. If we are a couple I would like to see him more.

He called me for a date because his project at work ended. I congratulated him via text and no response. I said, “Hello?” and he again alluded I have poor timing and hurt my feelings. I rarely call or text the guy. I then broke up via text and he said “Ok, have a great time on your trip.” I didn’t respond and went into NC, went on my trip and been having a great time. It’s been three months of NC.

My question: was the behavior he was exhibiting a good reason to end it and go into NC? I don’t want to waste my time but also don’t want to give up if there is a chance.

admin

March 7, 2014 at 6:28 am

Yes his behavior is consistent with someone who is hiding something.

Call me old fashioned but if you are dating someone they should have the right to know where you are at. Someone who goes absent for three or four days straight… thats not good.

Alice

March 5, 2014 at 7:59 pm

Hi chris,

Me and my boyfriend just broke up about a week ago, he said he wanted to be just friends. Of course at first I was struggling against it , but gave in later acting all cool and chill about it. However I haven’t lost hope just jet, so I went into the no contact mode since Sunday but there is just one question I have. How does whatsapp effect the no contact rule? Today he apped me asking how I am and that it would feel good to hear from me, ofc i stayed true to the NC rule but the one thing that bothers me is that it is super obious on whatsapp when u ignore somebody due the ‘online’ and ‘last seen function’. So yeah what kind of effect do you think it has and if it matters much, because i can literly not think of what I would tell him in the future if he asks why I ignored him without sounding like a asshole or weak…

admin

March 7, 2014 at 6:11 am

It matters a little bit but you know what. I think you should read this: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-get-your-ex-boyfriend-back-version-2-0/

Do this version of NC.

Abu

March 5, 2014 at 12:38 pm

Chris, thank you for the lovely blog!

I’m a gay man in early 30s. I have been with a guy on-off for 4.5 years; he was my non-bf bf. – we did everything together. He only mentioned that he has not been with girls since his college; and would joke about marrying the right girl if he found one (Okay, I am to blame here for being stupid not to see what was coming). I guess he was bisexual but never wanted to admit it.

For the initial 3.5 years he never made me a part of his larger life (friends; family, etc) and refused to meet any of my friends too. Then he introduced me to his friends – mostly girls – and I got along well with one of them particularly. 1.25 years ago, he told me that he was dating her and what I thought of it. It was very very hard for me so I tried to avoid him for weeks but he would call like nothing changed. Long story short, I started avoiding him, not return his calls and those few occasions we met, it was extremely difficult for me to be my usual self. The nail on the coffin came when he went for a holiday with his male friend to a destination that I had been wanting to go.I let all my frustration out when I met him subsequently. He told me he knew all along that I was trying to pretend cool though I was hurting inside. He said that nothing had changed for him and that I was still very dear to him and he didn’t want to lose me.

Though we spoke and I felt lighter, I never really could be the same though he insisted that he felt I was thawing and it was great that we spoke it all out. This January he said he was marrying her in April and he hoped that I would not step back any further from his life (than I already am). I knew all along that this was coming at some point but the week that followed the news was the lowest I have felt in life.

I told him 10 days down the line that I wanted to be friends with him but that it can’t now and that we should not be meeting each other. I asked him not to call and insist that we hangout together as buddies. It’s been 30 days since I have not met him, though we exchanged a couple of text messages and e-mails. I deleted him off my foursquare but kept him on FB.

I have come back from a holiday feeling absolutely rejuvenated and I am going to be away from the city for a month for work. I miss him but don’t crave for his company and I am not sure how to put this – I really don’t need him to be myself and feel happy. We were planning to partner together for business but I don’t know if it’s a good idea anymore.

Should I re-establish contact? I really don’t feel the urge to because am happy with the status quo. Or let him do it and reciprocate it?

Thanks!!

admin

March 5, 2014 at 6:04 pm

So, the two of you were never official?

Your non bf-bf comment confused me a little bit.
Abu

March 12, 2014 at 9:33 am

We didn’t put a name to it… he was uncomfortable with the idea of being called boyfriend. lol. So that’s why I said non-bf bf.

Nice girl

March 5, 2014 at 12:03 am

I started dating in January 2014. I thought I found the right man for me. He pursued and even asked me to be committed with him. I happily agreed. Now he wants to put the breaks on with seeing each other but he continues to text me. I really like him. I’ve been leaving the texting up to him. I only text him if he texts me first. Should I not even reply when he texts first? I always get “good morning, have a great day! :-)” texts every morning. Is it wrong to reply wishing him a good day too?

admin

March 5, 2014 at 5:26 pm

If you are in NC then you can’t. I know its tempting but don’t do it.

Jade

March 4, 2014 at 6:20 pm

Hey chris, ok so here is my story. we had been dating on and off for 5 years, he just recently broke it if like a week ago. he was seeing someone behind my back and when i found out he denied it then confessed. he said that she makes him happy and that they have alot in common, and we dont as when we go out to dinner we have nothing to say to each other. He was unemployed for a long time and i helped financially, no he has a good job, his own car as he was using mine. he said that his love for me started fading 2 years ago, we had split and last year July we got back together, when i asked him why he did it if he didn’t love me he replied by saying he thought the feeling might come back but it didn’t, and that he has been unhappy and i tried changing, the big mistake i made was being rude to the girl he is dating i caused drama, how do i fix it. I love him very much. he doesn’t wanna speak to me and if we have a conversation which was last week he tells her everything. what do i do, this break up is emotionally and mentally . destroying me. can love for someone just disappear, i will admit i gave him alot of drama and seems like he got to a point where he couldn’t take it. How do i fix it
Amy

March 4, 2014 at 11:36 am

My ex/boyfriend and I were still seeing each other often until I left dec 4th, to go to california for a break. (we moved to Oahu together). It’s now been several months and I already did the 30 day rule. Now we are talking about grabbing dinner, as I am returning to Hawaii this week. He is on match.com though 🙁 and he has told me he feels nothing has changed and that he has fallen out of love with me. But everytime I probe him on the topic, he just seems super upset all we do is talk over the phone now, and keeps saying he wants to meet in person. When we meet, how do I even act? 🙁 LAst time I saw him, he was giving me a kiss goodbye at the airport and I was staying with him actually for the weekend, so it was very good times.

admin

March 4, 2014 at 7:05 pm

Have you read my page on what to do during a meetup?
Amy

March 4, 2014 at 11:41 am

***but he wasnt saying “I love you” even then, and even then said he was no longer in love. I was accepting the friends with benefits treatment big time. And he broke up with me back in June. He actually moved out on me. He told me we were going to do a two week break while I was working in california, and instead he moved out on me. He didnt call or anything. It was incredibly cruel. I got back to Hawaii, and ignored him, and he kept wanting to see me. I would see him, we would have our fun, and he wouldn’t committ again. It just keeps repeating. I really love the guy. Been two and half years now…and he left his career for me in california, for a very very tough one in hawaii because my career didnt work as planned, so he has a lot of resentment about money towards me 🙁 I feel like 90% of his anger or issues with me, is all about money. He works 6 days a week, 12 hour days, and makes barely $50,000 a year…even his motorcycle got stolen in oahu. He blames me for a lot. :/ Granted, much was my own fault, (depending on him, being too controlling, etc)
admin

March 4, 2014 at 6:44 pm

50k isn’t horrible….

It’s the hours he is putting in to get it. Unfortunately, I doubt that his job situation is going to change.

Cathy

March 4, 2014 at 2:17 am

I’m in a funny situation. My ex of over a year broke up with me about two months ago. Right after we only contacted each other infrequently for two weeks, until we decided to meet to give each other back our stuff. He wanted to catch up and go for lunch also. On that day he was overwhelmed after just hanging for a while by the fact that he hadn’t moved on yet (he said so) and that he misses me all the time even though he feels that what he decided was right for him. We ended up hanging for like six hours and then hooking up at the end. For the following two weeks we were in sort of limbo and hooked up and talked about how we still loved each other but were really confused/didn’t want to be together.

After a while of that we decided to stop hooking up as it was too confusing and that we would just leave things friendly between us, because it was less confusing and potentially hurtful than being in a grey area. I asked if this meant we were done talking about ‘us’ and he said no, but for now this is what is probably best. The next day I got really ill and had to have paramedics called (yeah…..) and he came with me to the hospital and stayed with me the whole time then took me back to his place to take care of me. We ended up being in bed together asleep and holding each other that night. The next morning he made a move on me and we started hooking up (I guess being in bed together makes it inevitable……) His roommate came home and heard what was going on and then just sort of walked back out. After that he got really overwhelmed and was like “no we need to stop, this is a bad idea”. He then told me he’s moved on and isn’t in love with me anymore. At first I was really hurt and upset (He just took me to the hospital and took care of me all night wtf) and then we ended up talking more reasonably.

He ended up contradicting himself a few times in that talk by first saying he’d moved on then later being like “well everyone’s been able to see I’ve been a weird guy this past while cause I’ve not really moved on”, and saying at first we shouldn’t spend time alone together anymore to “I’m okay with being friends and hanging out because I need you”. It was kind of a mess.

When we left we decided mutually not to talk for a few days at least and that he would text me first. It’s been two weeks and a bit since then and in that time he’s commented on my facebook stuff and has hooked up sort of consistently with another girl. However it’s his birthday and so I figured even though he was seeming to use this as a NC period, I should wish him well. He replied super quickly and asked me a bunch of questions about things I’ve done recently and then stopped replying after we talked for a while.

what the fuck is going on lol

admin

March 4, 2014 at 3:36 am

The friends with benefits thing probably muddied the waters a little.

Clary

March 4, 2014 at 2:11 am

Hey chris,

Will no contact still work if my ex boyfriend is giving me silent treatment? He has cut off contact with me for a month now. Please advise!

admin

March 4, 2014 at 3:34 am

Sure it will!

Shey

March 3, 2014 at 9:00 pm

Started dating January 2013, but I was moving out of state to be with another guy. Other guy was aware and not upset by this. Left in summer for move. The guy I was leaving was unexpectedly torn up by my leaving. Got to new location. Within 2 months I knew I didn’t want to stay. One month after move my guy started NC on me. Got very mad at him and all I thought about was him. I came back and thought we would be together but he was distant, and I pressed for some kind of exclusivity which we had never discussed. He disappeared. I started NC. Texted him after 29.5 days. He appeared (supposedly to visit someone else that lives here) and I had a little conversation about general stuff but didn’t chase him or ask any questions. He wanted to know why I hadn’t come to a festival we were going to go to….said he had been there and cell reception was bad. Told him that was his space and I wasn’t going to go uninvited or trample on his space…cause everyone needs their space. He barely even looked at me. We hugged at first friendly like. After about 5 minutes he said he was going to walk down to see one of the other people that lives here. I said, okay, see you later then. He likely expected me to go with him. I didn’t. He didn’t ask me to. He went to visit and never even came back to say goodbye, not even a wave, though he could see me. Now what?

admin

March 4, 2014 at 3:22 am

Have you done anything to build attraction through the text messaging?
Shey

March 4, 2014 at 4:03 am

I don’t know. It’s hard to get inside his head without being sexual. I think he has another girlfriend. I don’t want to come on too strong. I only texted him one time and then waited for a day. He showed up so fast…sort of blaming me for not showing up at the place he’s been for most of the month doing a lot of work to pitch in, but he had cell reception so he could have texted me. I didn’t make a fuss about it though. I just acted warm and sweet but not accusing toward him.
Shey

March 5, 2014 at 9:26 pm

I did the build attraction today and now we wait. You’re right though, NC is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
admin

March 7, 2014 at 6:14 am

It is very tough.
Shey

March 3, 2014 at 9:09 pm

BTW — I bought your book and followed all of the directions. But I don’t really know where to go from here. I guess I just wait???

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6,804 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”