The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Andrea

March 18, 2014 at 3:22 am

Hey, my ex and I broke up 2 months ago, the first weeks we stayed in touch because we said we would “be friends” then one day he texted me but I was so bussy and I wanted to start NC that I texted him back saying “hey, I think I need some time and space right now, some good things have happened lately and I’m so bussy” and then I saw I should’nt have said anything like that to him just stop replying, I was ashamed but there was no going back, I started NC, 2 days latter he said “Its ok, I agree” and I never reply. I’ve been doing NC for 20 days and he hasn’t contacted me, I think it was because of what I sent to him, do you thing there is still a chance he might miss me or contact me during this time? (Even though I sent that text)
Annie

March 18, 2014 at 2:31 am

Hey chris.
I been through ncr now and i thought before i mess up and send him a lame text he wont reply to id ask if you think about it first. Can never be too sure. Haha. Anyway so i thought of sendim him the i have a confession to make text and then tell^ ” im out with the girls having cocktails. It reminded me when we were having the date in the cocktail bar. made me think of how much fun that was and couldnt resist to smile.”
Is that acceptable or should i think of something else?

Annie

March 19, 2014 at 1:33 pm

Well i send that messages anyway and got a positive response but i messed it up right after again sending a really stupid message… what do i do now? Go back into no contact? Keep on with the plan?

D

March 17, 2014 at 7:18 pm

My ex and I broke up a month ago and still talked about the problem a month after and he said he couldn’t see us getting back together. We live 3 hours away from each other and I went and saw him to see if it would make a difference and it did for the most part. However towards the morning he reconsidered reconsidering us getting back together. I explained to him I wanted a solid friendship foundation to lead us back into one and he just said he couldn’t see it working bc of our problem. We discussed fixing it but it was still hard for him to believe that it would work. Anyways he wanted to be friends and was upset when I declined. I still have some of his things that he needs to pick up because one of it belongs to his mom. We haven’t spoke since out final Skype call. In a way I sense that he’s confused about what he wants but I’m in denial of him not wanting a relationship, I just feel that he’s hurt…would no contact even work? It’s been 3 days and I don’t have the urge to text him or anything but I do miss him
Jody Lolich

March 17, 2014 at 4:38 pm

I assume defriending him on FB is included in NC? Im on day 7 NC, defriended him yesterday and am freaking out that he is pissed. That he will think im being dramatic, which he hates. I know he went to my wall, therefore was checking up on me.

why is defriending him killing me? I made the mistake of allowing us to be friends, we texted alk the time. Finally saw him after 3 months post break up and I asked what our intentions were. He only wants to be friends. I told him I cant do that, and hafent spoken to him since. And I looked great between, ive lost 17 lbs and he said nothing about my appearance 🙁

I was devastated, and confused. Went to his band gig 2 days before we met to talk and he flirted with me all night. He said he didnt remember, and was doing his best to attempt this friend thing with me. He felt like he lost his best friend, but needs to focus on himself, that he was going through some stuff. If we dated he would be holding me back from finding the one.
Mia

March 14, 2014 at 7:12 am

Hello Chris, me and my ex were in no contact rule.One day neither he nor me started to contact each other.Before that we had fights but never talked about solving problems, i wanted to discuss but he acted as nothing is happening and avoided to talk about problems.So I decided i would never ever call him and keep no contact for 28 days and he texted me.Here in my country ( Armenia) that day was Holiday ,it was Women’s Day and he texted me late night (11:30pm)to congratulate and i text back saying “thank you” just from politeness .Does it mean i didnt keep No Contact? Does it mean he regrets and wants start to talk but he is scared? Thank you
Jessica

March 14, 2014 at 6:17 am

This is wrong. No contact is a drastic measure taken by recovering victims of abuse. Often of the narcissistic psycho/sociopathic, or personality disorder kind. While those words are often over used and thrown around a bit too much these days, there are serious issues and situations that have created the need for a last resort such as no contact. No contact is meant for self growth and rehabilitation. Not some cheap form of manipulation suggested by some blogger that has no real investment in his/her readers. Also realize that “no contact” as defined by professionals that actually have some sort of demonstrative education/knowledge of social disorders or behaviors, means FOREVER. Not 30 days, or 60 or even a year. No contact is to better oneself, not manipulation of another. Call it low level trickery.

Stop taking advantage of people in pain for your own need for attention or entertainment. You fucking sham. (I mean the blogger)

In other words….try to stay dignified in the face of someone who doesn’t care about you anymore. The initial sting makes it hard. But when the emotional dust settles, you will be so glad you did. Now go find someone you deserve. Or maybe you already did. Stay tough. You will love and be loved again. Don’t repeat the same mistakes. It’s more often than not our own doing.

No contact is not a tool for manipulation.
Chelsea

March 13, 2014 at 2:07 pm

It seems many people initiate NC for basic, short term/long term relationships…but what about a marriage? My husband of two years and I split. I have relocated to my mothers temporarily to take time apart. It has been six weeks. We contact eachother daily and were on the basis that we would get back together. Unfortunately one week ago my husband did a complete 180 and decided he was permanently done with the marriage. Along with that I found he has been spending time with a co-worker ( a rebound for sure). I kind of went a wee bit crazy for two days with talk/text and pushed him away. We have never seperated in our entire five years, we’re both good problem solvers. I am hoping NC will bring him around since we’ve been best friends and lovers for so long. Not to mention we’re married. Point is: Could this work in a marriage? We own a house together, share a bank account, health insurance, car insurance, ect. I will do NC put pulling my check out of the bank…is that contact? Thank you!
Sarah

March 13, 2014 at 7:49 am

How significant is it if he does or does not message you on your birthday if it falls during the NC period? …Also does contacting his mother asking for your stuff back count as contact?

I am waiting to see if he will at least text/ring on my birthday or around it. Our break up is what you define as a “good” break up with it being his idea and myself being upset but not shocked. He has blocked me on ALL forms of social media but has not blocked a handful of my friends and my cousin. I decided if I get no word from him on my bday, I will ask his mother if I can come over to their place to collect my things ( maybe a week after my birthday and when he is out at work so I dont see him). If this does happen it will be the first time I’ve driven to his house ever (As he would always come pick me up from my house) ie Im going out of my way to avoid him and collect my things and doing it out of character. Will it turn him off knowing I went out of my way to avoid him and get my things? It will be 17 days from the break up day to my birthday.

My ultimate goal is to become good friends with him.

Thank you for your time 😀
Jahnace

March 13, 2014 at 7:48 am

I need help. Me and my ex broke up four weeks ago and he pumped me up to believe he as gonna propose on my bday feb. 26th. We were together for 8 months. He told me a week before my bday he didn’t wanna be with me so I broke up with him but I also caught him telling his friend to hook him up with some girls 3 days before and on valentines day he went to that friends house & started acting different & disrespecting me then Sunday when I caught what he texted his friend the weekend before he went to his house on Friday I was hurt but stayed with him even though I couldn’t trust him he said he didn’t mean it. Then Monday he was saying sorry so much and then he switched and started yelling at me, then was nice the rest of the night, Tuesday was our anniversary and he was being nice then around 3 he started yelling again and told me maybe I should go find the one. Next thing I know at 5 he calls and is crying saying he’s sorry and didn’t mean it and he doesn’t wanna lose me so I forgave him then he told my mom sorry for how he has been treating me and told my friends he was still proposing so I trusted him. He said he was changing and wouldn’t act like this again. Then the next day Wednesday he was still sweet till evening at 7 he started yelling again saying he needs a break to decide weather or not he needs me and I hung up later at 10 I called him to break it off and he cut me off saying he would always be here & always be my diary and then I said if you don’t wanna be with me just say that and he said that’s what it is. Then I said I thought I was the one and he said you are it’s just and I hung up then he text me asking when I was coming to get my stuff and I said I would have my mom puck it up and he said what time and I said text her and ask and he put lol I deleted her number so I said ok then he said we can still be diarys right and I said no and he said ok lol and I ignored it then he went and posted all over social media how he was single within 20 minutes I was hurt but I stayed mature and the he was telling my friends he was done with me because of my attitude but he handled it for 8 months so I didn’t quite understand. Then he posted a picture of a couple and said this is what I want but he had it so I was confused. He’s 18 and I’m 17. People asked him if he was okay and he said I’m perfectly fine but I don’t understand because the day before he was crazy in love with me and would cry over me when I was mad at him or about to leave him. We were really serious which is confusing so last week he messages my friend he had never talked to asking how I was doing then Saturday he messaged my bestie saying what’s up and she deleted it. But in December when we were together I found on his Facebook him talking to this girl but he said it was his friend then January a girl called his phone when I was at his house and he said he hadn’t talked to hr since before we started dating and then few is when I caught the text in his phone and then we broke up 3 days later. I been crying and I’m just confused and real lost. & now his friend contacted my friend asking if I loved him & was doing okay
Sherry

March 13, 2014 at 7:00 am

I just got broken up with last night. We were only together for a month, but I think we actually had some potential. He said “the relationship stress was too much right now.” He’s a college student, dealing with finals soon and trying to get in to university. Would no contact work for me? Should I go for the full month considering the length of time we were together was so short? I actually really like this guy. Thanks for the help!
Janet

March 13, 2014 at 5:57 am

Me and my ex boyfriend were together for 3 months before I left for school. We communicated everyday at first then in the second month calls kept coming in on a week – once every 2 weeks basis. I felt so lonely. But when we did we had great conversations. But this guy came along (total player type) and I cheated with him just because I wanted company and that sense of “affection.” Not too long after my boyfriend began calling and texting on a regular basis and told me he was sorry for abandoning me and I’m the most loyal girlfriend he ever had and he’s lucky to have me in his life. I felt so terrible lying to him. When his intuitive kicked in he asked if I was seeing someone else and I lied for days even though he told me he just wants the truth and he loves me and won’t get angry. After his pleading with me for the truth I told him but it was too late. But he has never called me out of my name. Fast forward to when I saw him again, we fell in love all over again, he treat me like a princess even though I broke his heart, in his arms were home – true affection. We were joint at the hip for 3 months and we loved it. I left for school again and it slowly fell apart. He can’t get over me lying and always thinks I’m cheating or flirting. Trust completely shattered. He began to pull away for months but would always hang in there because of the love we shared. Last week he officially broke it off with me and is “falling” for another girl, apparently he mentally stimulates him and I don’t. I’m so afraid of saying the wrong thing because he may take it wrongly. I never thought I’d have a man who respected and loved me so much, I was an angel in his eyes till my betrail. How can I get him back and what are some questions I can mentally stimulate him with? Please help me. This is the love of my life, I saw a family with him.
Nina

March 13, 2014 at 2:57 am

> We were together 6 months and a few days
> We were engaged, the reason for being engaged quickly was that we connected so well on so many levels…
> My past relationships and my parents being separated over my father’s infidelities made it hard for me to trust anyone… We were distancing ourselves all of a sudden, no meaningful conversation. I took his password and looked through his banking account and he felt betrayed. Then I didn’t go to his Great-Grandmother’s funeral. That night was it.
> He broke up with me the night of the funeral. His dad drove him there and he said he “couldn’t give himself another chance.” He said he loved me but he just didn’t care anymore. He left me the ring.
> I’m on day 4 NC, didn’t give him a heads up just implemented after he left. He texted me Day 3 to ask if he could return the rest of my stuff and that he would be leaving town for a few days and didn’t know when he’d be able to get back to me.

What do I do now?
N

March 12, 2014 at 7:53 pm

Hi Chris,

I just bumped into my ex at my climbing centre, I was polite and said hello but we then had a bit of a climb together and it was amicable. I’m day 15 into no contact and was wondering whether to contact him now that I bumped into him or should I hold off until 30days?

Nicola
Brooke

March 12, 2014 at 12:46 pm

I have a quick question. My ex and I continued talking after we broke up about 2 1/2 weeks ago and as we have similar friends have been at the same parties/events about three or four times. I decided no contact would be best but im only two days in and he has texted me asking if I am okay, because surely he doesn’t understand now which is normal. Should I let him know I just need some space right now? Should I explain or just leave it at that?
ekz

March 11, 2014 at 11:09 pm

Hi,
I just had a question(s) about the no contact rule process…after its over how do you respond when they ask why you’ve been ignoring them? I understand you’re supposed to take the time to work on your self, but no one is really so busy that they can’t answer a text or a call in 30 days. Also, what if during the no contact they send you a “Just let me know that you’re okay” message? Do you still ignore them? Thanks for any help on this.

ekz

March 23, 2014 at 8:30 pm

Hey Chris will you respond to this?
admin

March 24, 2014 at 5:38 pm

Of course! What’s up?

Hmae

March 10, 2014 at 6:45 pm

Will the no contact rule work if we’ve only been dating 2 weeks and he chose to move on to another girl?

admin

March 11, 2014 at 4:35 pm

I wouldn’t use it for as long. Maybe NC him for a week… Problem is I am not sure enough of a connection was built for him if he has already moved on. Were you maybe a rebound to him?

MaeMae

March 10, 2014 at 6:30 pm

I was only dating this guy for two weeks. He broke things off with me just randomly without good reason for that matter. Is the no contact rule still going to work on him?

admin

March 11, 2014 at 4:33 pm

I think it can work.

Nina

March 10, 2014 at 4:46 pm

How does NC work with a broken engagement? His family is still holding some contact that I didn’t initiate. I plan to be as calm and collected as can be given we’ve just broken up since Saturday night. Not even 2 whole days ago. You are right, it’s a flurry of emotions right now. I am to see his mother on Friday to go to the optometrist to pick up a pair of prescription glasses for my daughter.
We were happy together, but then we distanced from each other which caused me to fear losing him. It ultimately lead me to make an action that betrayed his trust. I’m known to be very naive sometimes.. it wasn’t until after my actions that I realized what a huge error it had been. I went into his bank account without asking for permission. At the time, I didn’t think it was a big deal because I had given him my passwords to all my social media, including my bank account. But it was after I opened up to my mother, whom I don’t talk to about relationships as much, that she made me realize how wrong I was. He found out before my mother and I talked. It was on Friday he found out. He came over and we talked about it and he said he forgave me and he wasn’t going anywhere. To make things worse, I was expected to go to his great-grandmother’s funeral the day after he found out about it. My alarm didn’t go off. I called him after I awoke, very turbulent emotions running through. He was still in town, barely heading out of his parent’s home. He said he was there early in the morning, and his family wasn’t going to go out of their way again. To note, his car wasn’t in a condition to be driven at that time, so I didn’t go. I told him “I can’t do this anymore” on the phone, before he left town. He assumed “this” as in this relationship and figured I gave up on us. I meant to say that I couldn’t go on messing things up as I had been doing. He left and didn’t talk to me all day, I gave him his space. He didn’t come back to town with his family until a little after 6. He came over at around 8:40 and gave me my things, asked for his and we were both tearful and took some time crying together. I couldn’t believe it was happening, even now I can’t believe it happened. He left, it didn’t seem like he wanted to go. I am devastated.
I am at NC since day zero. His family is communicating a bit. As I said earlier I’m to see his mother on Friday.

What can I do at this point in time regarding his family?
What about social media? I have been off Facebook cold turkey since day one for fear of looking through his profile and the dreaded status change. How should I come back to social media?
Amanda

March 10, 2014 at 8:52 am

Hi,
My boyfriend of almost two years recently broke up with me(due to arguing a lot). I immediately implemented NC and made it through the 30 days. He texted me about once a week during the NC period but I made it through. After NC ended, he called me and we had a great conversation that I could tell we both enjoyed and it felt like the beginning of our relationship again. The next day we repeated this with another enjoyable conversation. After these two days however, he disappeared and blamed it on ” just being busy”. Then, not knowing what to do, I restarted NC and now have not heard from him in almost a week. I was wondering if I could get your opinion or advice on where to go from here.
Thanks
lora

March 10, 2014 at 8:32 am

i’ve just gone 3 days no contact. he hit me up just to “ask how i was doing? and i told him i was still sad and that maybe he shouldn’t hit me up for a while. should i delete him from facebook? should i block his number? i’m not going crazy on fb or anything or texting him.. i simply asked for space since he broke up with me and that i couldn’t tell him how i was doing over text.

Nina

March 11, 2014 at 12:01 am

Would you like a support buddy? We have to stay strong.

You broke no contact by answering his question. Start NC all over again and don’t talk to him and don’t reply when he talks to you.

As for Facebook, I’m trying to find the answers to that too, I’ve been going cold turkey from social media so I’m clueless as to what’s going on in FB.

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6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”