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Emily
April 11, 2014 at 4:24 pm
My boyfriend broke up with me almost a month ago to my utter surprise, I knew we had problems, but I didn’t realize this bad. He was unhappy with our communication and my weight and our sex life becuase of the weight; because I kept saying I would change it, but I actually gained weight instead. He says that made him loose trust in my promises especially with the communication because he felt he tried harder to fix our problems then I did. I know he’s right on some levels, but there was a lot else going on too. I lost my job 4 mths into our lease, my friend moved into help with her 3 young kids into our 2 bdroom apt! That was so difficult and looking back, really stupid. It took me months to find another good job, which in the meantime both of them were begging me to just find any old job, which was hard bc I was the one who made all the money before and supported them. To say the least it has been stressful. I don’t know if it’s all over because we just “don’t work” as he says, or because maybe we just ran our of patience and time and grew apart with life and with each other. When we started dating, we were best friends and in college together, but I graduated 2 years ago and he’s still going and kept changing majors… I always felt we were off track because of that. Then add an awkward roommate situation we took on to pay bills… he says it just sped up what would have happen, but I feel different. Hes very logical and looks at things with little emotion when making hard decisions, and now he’s “shut his emotions off” because so busy with school and work and moving out (still in process of that, so living together still).. and i’m going crazy with them all the time!!! And we both would like to at least be friends because we were before.. but also for me because I think this feels wrong to quit after 4 years.
I have done a lot of talking to him to the point that he says he can’t handle the emotional stuff anymore, that he if I even bring up the past, he goes quiet. I can’t help it, he was my rock, my confidant, idk what to do!
I know I’ve talked too much to him and any space I give him now, he will gladly take. Lately he has been trying to be there for me, which has been sweet, but only as friends and because he says it harder for me because i wasn’t prepared as him.. he had been debating for weeks when to talk to me! It feels like he just turned it off while i still wait for my kisses. I just want to know he still cares, which he says he still loves me and cares, but he has to move on. I just want to know he thinks abt all the things we are losing and will miss and i want him to realize they are still worth fighting for.
I did find out he cheated 6 mnths ago, but not until a week ago (broken up almost month now).. and he never told me bc he regretted it so much, he was just unhappy with our sex life (again i’m overweight and mind.. he is not, he loves working out) and didn’t want to hurt me after he thought abt what he had done. He never did it again. I don’t know if i can forgive him yet, but at this point its not like i can punish him.. and all i see is that i wish i knew then bc i just didn’t realize how bad it all was from his perspective. I thought we had time to work on us still since life had gotten so crazy. I would like at least the chance to work it out, but its so complicated.. i just know I still love him…
He won’t ask my forgiveness for cheating bc he says he doesn’t deserve it. And I just still love him.. i cant shake that.
Also how do you do it when we still have some bills and accounts together and will take months to end? Is it too late? Have I done too much damage to make this program work like the NC rule? I think we have something real and there is a lot going on, but I want to try!
admin
April 12, 2014 at 4:02 pm
Well, luckily you can work to lose the weight.
I guess I just want to ask you if you really want him back if he cheated on you?
Simran
April 11, 2014 at 8:07 am
hey, question? what if he doesn’t get in touch with you because he is very strong headed? but you know he has not moved on, he still loves you to bits and is totally diverting his mind by overworking himself? Should the NC rule still be applied?
admin
April 12, 2014 at 3:48 pm
Have you read the male mind during NC article. I actually talk about this.
Sarah
April 10, 2014 at 7:08 am
Guys… what the heck… me and my ex broke up so long ago and I did all the wrong things in attempt to make him come back…
He said he is not ready for a relationship, that he can’t take care of me (i suppose he did) and needed to focus on himself… and that i do to .. i guess its true…
But we have been seeing each other, sleeping over… doing everything wrong.. and I get angry because he can’t have his cake and eat it too.. but I have simply not been able to help it.
Its been 3 days since I initiated contact and I have not heard from him… what if he has found someone or .. ah my mind goes crazy.
Sometimes I find myself on the brink.. making excuses like ‘well if he doesn’t its because he is scared and thinks this is the right thing to do and is trying to be fair and kind…’ I guess i’m despairing because he has not contacted me since three days ago… guys i think i’m going to contact him.. please tell me if this is a terrible idea…
I am REALLY trying to keep busy. I go out every night with friends, do all my work, exercise… but when I’m alone.. ahh … I just want to know he cares.. and thinks of me while we find out own way independently as we relied on each other too much….
Help! How do I do NC without being irrational… does it get easier?
admin
April 11, 2014 at 3:49 am
Yes it will get easier. My recommendation is to take it one moment at a time. Make yourself as busy as you possibly can. I know its hard but hang in there.
Desiree Rojas
April 8, 2014 at 11:04 pm
My ex left me three weeks ago he was in complete depression after his sister death and was taking out me. He said he felt trapped and was unhappy with himself. But he contacts me everyday and argues with me and tells he doesn’t love or want me anymore. I deactivated my facebook so he wouldn’t message me anymore. 20 minutes he emails me upset that i blocked him. Then today he emailed to get his stuff Eventually am i going to be civilized. I love him i dont what to do.
admin
April 10, 2014 at 1:44 am
Just give him some time to calm down. He is acting like a crazy person right now.
Christina
April 8, 2014 at 3:27 pm
Ohh soo confused. So my boyfriend of 1.5 years sat me down and said we needed “time apart”. Due to trustissues that keep haunting us from the past. I walked away calmly and decided to go no contact. He blew up my phone all night after and after not replying hasnt tried again. Am I right for going no contact in this situation? I know we love eachother but it seems like we never can communicate/ understand eachother. Its day 3 and Im having that anxiety feeling I wanna run but something keeps always pulling me back. I need insight into the male mind because im 100% woman confused why he cant understand my view on things. Blah! Cant decide whos right.
Britt
April 7, 2014 at 9:39 pm
My boyfriend and I have been dating for little over 2 years. I recently found out from someone other than him that he cheated on me with my married friend for about 2-3 months. He told he he probably did just give up the best thing of his life for a stupid choice/mistake. I just don’t know if I believe him. You have a lot of helpful articles on here, but not what I’m exactly looking for. I really don’t think I want to get back with him, even though I miss him terribly. He was my first love so it makes it kind of harder on me I believe. I’m still trying the NCR just to help myself. I don’t know if I just want to get over him and forget him completely, or maybe eventually try to forgive him and see if it’s worth fixing. Please help.
admin
April 8, 2014 at 5:34 pm
Why don’t you focus on getting over him. If you aren’t 100% on getting him back he isn’t worth getting back trust me.
Britt
April 8, 2014 at 10:37 pm
How do I get over him? He was my first love, I worshipped and trusted him with everything I had. Then he just threw it away on my “friend” who is a walking ****. I don’t think I ever want to trust anyone ever again.
Becca
April 7, 2014 at 9:03 pm
Ive been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years now and we broke up about 2 weeks ago. Im devastated, I put so much time and effort into this relationship and hurts that he just wants to go. He we broke up because I get way to jealous, but he is the one that makes sure im not talking to anyone or texting anyone he does not like. I cant even wear certain clothing items because other men may be checking me out. Yes I know it seems very controlling but I really love him and want him to come back. Im going to try the no contact rule today and I have started to exercise a lot more than usual and go out with family and friends. He blocked me on all his social media sites and cell phone. I don’t know how he is feeling and it really sucks. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have tried messaging him but no reply. what should I do???
admin
April 8, 2014 at 5:34 pm
Give me a specific situation where you were jealous?
Melanie
April 6, 2014 at 5:27 pm
Does the NC rule work with emotional unavailable guy also?
admin
April 7, 2014 at 4:58 pm
It can yes.
no contact and jealous angry ex?
April 6, 2014 at 5:06 pm
Hey Chris….you are awesome….been reading your site for a about 4 weeks or so now. So here’s my story briefly (i sent you an email and forgot to copy and paste lool). My ex ended our relationship 2 months ago. We had been together for 10 months. We are from different religious/cultural backgrounds and when we met he hadn’t been practicing and hadn’t been to his home country for 18 months (thought that was strange). First 6 months were like a dream come true, he was so amazing, we had the best connection. However i had made a comment on his fb 1 day and within days he deactivated his account…then he went home for his first visit and up to this point i felt a strange vibe and we ended up arguing. His friend who lives here told me that his family had been putting pressure on him. We ended up splitting for a short while but gradually things got amazing again though he was quite reserved in terms of feelings etc though his actions proved otherwise. So even up to xmas everything amazing and he went home and so do did i. He was msging me constantly like for hours at a time and was excited to see me again. When he got back we spent next 3 days together and the next 2 weeks were awesome. Then coming up to Valentines Day we had a huge discussion and i had raised many things that i needed to get off my chest. He took this really badly apparently. He said i had 2 days to decide what i want. A few days later he still hadn’t came back so i messaged him and that next week things changed…he went from saying he was gonna come see me to the end of the week that he felt it was best if we ended…that i deserved better and he couldn’t give me what i needed…total shock. So i initially went to meet with him but then realized he might just have needed space. I spoke to his friend again for advice but he never got back to me…which i thought was weird (i had helped him with his girl who he is now marrying). To cut it brief i then stopped contacting my guy but would respond when he initiated (sometimes a couple of days later). So he’s still in the can we not be friends comments, i still care for you. He sent me v day message, my aunt died a week later and he sent me msg too. Then he was behaving quite childish, i spoke to him on the phone one night. Then suddenly i thought this is enough. He has a v busy job and one of the weeks he appeared to be partying a lot (it was work related tho lool)…So there’s this other friend i had never met was with him a lot during this time and he was much more mature and settled. Eventually i deleted my guy from fb and other social media and ignored him. I had lots of parties and events going on and one fri night got a message from another one of his friends. I then spoke to my guy the next day and i told him we cannot be friends i’m all or nothing…at this time he was still confused. I said we should hv a night out and then say goodbye for good. He asked me to postpone that. So from that day up until 2nd ap i did full no contact…so 31 days. i also found out that the original friend who i confided in showed him all our messages. During that time i got a happy st pats day msg on a friday night at 11ish pm(i didn’t respond)….his birthday was the following monday (i didn’t send him a HBD msg) hen his friend (that i didn’t know) added me as a friend on one of the sites (4square)…i didn’t accept his request straight away as i was traveling the next weekend. When i returned i accepted. Two days later was our anniversary, i let it go by. However his friend was liking all my stuff and commenting a lot. BTW his friend used an old picture but i already knew who he was so i played along. So gets to last wed – 31 days of nc…i sent my ex a really good, nostalgic message reminding of something in our happier times. He messaged back later and we had a nice convo and i ended the conversation…this was early evening. He sent me 2 more messages i didn’t reply. Woke up the next morning to a message from him asking me could he ask me a question (this was sent again 11pmish) random, fishing (for info) type question. I spoke to him briefly and he flirted with me a bit but i again had a laugh with him and ended the conversation. So Fri just past i was going to a friends event and i had checked in as normal at a bar. Net thing i know his friend is on his way to there (he was with him but got dropped off somewhere else). I know he had been with him a few times that week. So his mate turns up at the bar i’m in. I was with a group of friends, one of whom is male and one of my best mates. We then left to go the other place and lo and behold his mate then checked in there too!! I saw him in both places btw but remained elusive. When i got back home i checked in and his mate commented straight away. It was late and i went to bed. in the morning i responded and i said oh i thought i saw you there, you should have said hello. He said i didn’t think it was right (i.e. he thought my mate was my new bf). A conversation ensued with him slightly. So in between i sent my ex a few jokes and just said hello how is work today? (i knew at this point that he was with his friend in a restaurant lol). He replied no work today just partying! I said good enjoy…we must catch for coffee some time. This is where the problem starts. He then msgs last night at 11pm and we get into a conversation for 2 hours…he had been drinking as i had i…conversation was very confusing and strange. i basically said i know your friend is following me (in different words)..he immediately went on defensive. We did say we might meet up for coffee or dinner. Although this was not a particularly good conversation. He actually used the he never loved me thing….What has happened here? Is he jealous? He seemed quite angry with me actually. (PS a few times in the recent past i hv had pics of me on fb (my pics are public) and it seems to hv not gone down well…just partying and at events. Your advice/opinion is greatly welcomed.
admin
April 7, 2014 at 4:54 pm
4 weeks and you haven’t commented. I wish you would have sooner.
He definitely seems jealous to me.
no contact and jealous angry ex?
April 7, 2014 at 5:08 pm
I know…me too.
So don’t know how to play this…today i tried to be nice to him again…gave him a compliment on his pic. This evening he has went to being v confused…mentioned us, then started getting nasty, then nice then nasty again. i don’t know whether to walk away. He seems to be very angry with me or himself and very jealous. tried to make me jealous too…
no contact and jealous angry ex?
April 6, 2014 at 5:35 pm
I also just want to add that i have lost 16lb in weight these past few weeks, have been getting a tan and just being back to the fabulous self i was before i met him.
admin
April 7, 2014 at 4:57 pm
16 lbs ALRIGHT! I am proud.
no contact and jealous angry ex?
April 7, 2014 at 5:06 pm
Thanks 🙂
Hi
April 5, 2014 at 9:34 pm
So after my parents making me break up with my gf, we talked again for a while for about another two weeks. It’s been 4 months, and we talk at times, but no so much. We’re like acquaintances. If I use the NC tule now, will it work?
J
April 5, 2014 at 4:06 pm
hi chris, i have been on NC for 4 days.
We broke up because his priority changed to career & he no longer loves me, he feel terrible to tell me its over but have been struggling for few months to get his feelings back but failed. he is just too busy in his life right now, we were having a LDR for 1.5years and i admit i used to stress him too much.
Just wondering, during this NC time, am i not supposed to post anything on fb? I have posted a picture of myself (he is always attracted to my looks), posted some “positive relationship moving on” quotes & links on FB. Nothing negative, and seems ‘happy’ in my life. So far, he did not contact me in any way.
Justine
April 5, 2014 at 1:23 am
Hi Chris and anyone who can relate-
I’ve been reading your articles as they are helping to know other people are going through similar situations. I would really like and value your take please – I dated my now ex for a year and four months. He was my best friend – we were going to move in together and talked of marriage and children (I am 41 and he is 38). We had some problems in December – he told me he had a “wall” up and wasn’t able to feel or express himself as he should be by now ie. saying he loves me (although he said he loved me – I get the feeling he meant in love)and so we took a short break so he could figure things out. That didn’t last long and within a week we were back together, he said he was going to go to a therapist and sort himself out to make us better.
Mid February I just was feeling like we were at a plateau – no more talks really about moving in together and frankly we weren’t really doing anything that fun together – it was kind of boring. He was never the most affectionate guy and that always bothered me – like snuggling and holding hands – so I eventually just got frustrated. We had a talk about it that I initiated and it came out that he still had unresolved “wall” issues. So we took another break.
About a little over a week later he asked me to dinner on a saturday night – just to tell me again that he still had this wall feeling and loved me and did ask if i would wait for him to resolve it. But I instantly just felt so awful that I said I couldn’t wait and that if he wanted to break up with me he should just say it himself. So he did.
I was devastated – crying hysterical – and did contact him after because I felt like I was hit by a truck. I never imagined we would break up as that time apart he sent me roses for valentines saying I meant the world to him and was texting how much he missed me. In the post breakup texts that I initiated he told me he missed me more than words could say and as time went on he was feeling things he didnt know he could feel for me.
Bottom line – I never let him go for a month – I always pushed for answers and was hoping for a reconciliation and all the while he was leading me to believe he missed me too and gave me hope. He finally asked to get together – so we did twice – a Sunday night (nothing substantive was said) and then he asked for the next weekend – so we got together last Sat night for dinner – we had a lot of fun – and after I initiated a discussion and basically he said he was in the same place. (I asked him if he was dating anyone before we went to dinner and he said no.) But I had an opportunity to snoop his phone (which is very immature I know) and saw that even while at dinner with me he was texting another woman. He was with her the night before (and that morning in his bed) and was seeing her on Sunday. PS – I have come to find out she is 28, works with him and from her background I can tell that it wouldn’t go anywhere serious without strong issues from his family. I confronted him – we had a big argument and he said he just started seeing her and that I too had told him I had been on dates. Bottom line – I told him I loved him and he was leading me on with all this I miss you stuff and think of you all the time stuff – yet he apparently had no intention of getting back together now and also denied he was leading me on by saying those things.
End of a long story – night ended with me crying and him telling me I was his best friend but he was having a hard time feeling more and that he was so conflicted about us. I finally told him to please not
contact me unless he had something substantive to say and that I wouldn’t contact him either.
It’s been five days – this is the longest we have ever gone. I have heard nothing – I can’t stop thinking about him and have no idea how I will replace him. Am I completely wasting my time by thinking not contacting him will make him realize what he has lost or is this a waste of time?
Thank you so much for your time
admin
April 6, 2014 at 4:52 pm
Well, I understand your pain. I really understand it.
I think its time to rebuild yourself a little bit. Use this time apart to kind of center yourself.
Justine
April 10, 2014 at 11:10 pm
So are you saying you think this no contact thing is a waste of time in this situation? Meaning thinking it could lead him back to me?
Obviously you get a ton of emails so I appreciate your taking time with a sincere response – you have seen many more of these situations than I have. Thank you
Katy
April 4, 2014 at 6:43 pm
Iv been split with my ex for 2 weeks. We were in a LDR for a year. It ended badly and I told him how much he hurt me and couldn’t believe he could do this to me. Will the NC work in this situation? Apparently the distance was the issue. He texted me last night after 5 days of NC but I haven’t replied…should i have replied?? HELP
admin
April 6, 2014 at 4:50 pm
Do you two still have distance between you.
J
April 4, 2014 at 12:55 pm
My boyfriend left me to get back with his ex girlfriend .. They were together 4 years ..they’ve been on and off already 2 wice within a year she’s left him .. After 7 months of it being me and him .. Him telling me he loves me and only wants me ..he gets back with her …all he kept saying was I was everything she never was .. So on and so fourth .. Now what? I’ve been texin him for a week now and nothing … Should I do nc rule !! I want him back …
EmotionalWreck
April 3, 2014 at 9:38 pm
Hi Chris
My boyfriend of three months recently disappeared on me. I’ve been devastated,it been almost three weeks since the disappearing act. I haven’t made any attempt to contact him since he wasn’t making any effort too. I also found out he’s been living with the mother of his child all along and lied about it. He’s been putting her pictures on social networks lately and he was aware that i was seeing these pictures. I’m hurt. I thought we had something. I still want to try and make things work. I still believe if he could cheat on her with me the first time, he can do it again..right? I know it sounds completely absurd and shallow but i can’t help it. I’m stupid inlove with him. He took my virginity. Will the NC work in my situation? Even if he has his eyes on another woman?
A response will be appreciated. Any insight..anyone?
Rachel Twigg
April 2, 2014 at 9:34 pm
My ex boyfriend and I ended it about a month ago. It first started with a break. I still don’t really know the true reason why we took a break, but he lives with a bunch of a guys and there is a girl that always comes over. The guys he lives with and the girl love to stir things up. The girl kept coming around and I started getting jealous. Everytime I would find out about her being there I would go crazy. Freak out on him and everything. Then I found out that they had sex. He cried to me and told me how sorry he was and I thought this girl was finally out of the picture until the girl starts coming around again. The girl posted a picture of the two of them on Instagram, but the picture of them is so old. What is really going on here? He swears nothing is going on and at times I believe him because the people that tell me about it can not be trusted. I tried the no contact rule and he started blowing up my phone so I sent him a text here and there but nothing major. But when I started messaging back he thought he still had me wrapped around his finger and was acting rude again. It’s hard with the no contact rule because there is another girl and I’m afraid I’m going to lose him to her if I don’t let him know I still want to be with him.
admin
April 4, 2014 at 4:33 pm
Wait… he cheated on you with this girl?
Taylor
April 2, 2014 at 8:39 pm
Hi Chris,
Great article/blog. I’m in, or was in a LDR for 6 months. It was casual. He initiated contact 99% of the time and we saw each other every 5-6 weeks. Last trip he disappeared a week before we were to see each other. I was pissed, didn’t show it or say a word, except that I deleted him on FB because I thought he was pulling a Houdini and gone for good. He called me out on it. Turns out he had a major illness in the family. I apologized so I didn’t look like a complete troll for deleting him, even though I was still pissed that he did not take the time to send a simple message and let me know what was up. I’m not ok with the disappearing act and I think if you truly value another person, you don’t fall off the planet like that. Was calling me out on the FB delete an ego thing, or does he really care? Either way, I’m not initiating contact now. 16 days and counting since he last messaged me, which btw was not a convo starter, he was basically replying to my last message, which didn’t require a response. It was rather odd and I did not reply. So ball’s in his court. Do I NC it if I hear from him now? I feel like there’s grey area here because of the family illness, or is that an excuse on his part? I’m fine either way, but I don’t feel it’s over and would be open to him if he was to put the effort in again. I guess I’m asking if NC is cruel if someone is going through a rough time and needs support. With the distance and casual nature of our relationship, it’s hard to know where the boundaries are. Thanks!
admin
April 4, 2014 at 3:48 pm
Make sure you check out my long distance page.
NC can be tough and cruel but sometimes it is necessary to make a man sit up and realize what he has lost.
Taylor
April 4, 2014 at 5:30 pm
Thanks Chris! That’s exactly what I needed to hear 🙂
Julie
April 2, 2014 at 6:18 pm
Hi, I tried the no contact rule for 5 days. I did text him the night we broke up but he just said my text made him cry and that I can’t do that to him. He said if I tried to contact him again he wouldn’t answer because he needs time, and for me to contact him much later when I was not in love with him anymore. So I started the no contact rule and it’s been 5 days now. He just texted me today saying “how are you doing”. Should I reply to the text? Is he just concerned with how I am feeling?
Maria
April 1, 2014 at 10:55 pm
Hi Chris,
Just to recap- I have been in no contact for nearly 3 months. I ignored his first attempt to contact me a few weeks ago, and I ignored his birthday on March 29th. I am starting to feel like after this long he should have changed his mind by now if he missed me 🙁 I was thinking not contacting would give him a chance to miss me and ignoring him would essentially give him a reason to chase? Am I missing something? What should I be doing right now?
Thanks so much!
admin
April 2, 2014 at 5:32 pm
You should have already tried your first contact. 3 months is long enough.
Maria
April 3, 2014 at 5:07 pm
Okay! So is it bad that I ignored his attempt to contact me after 2ish months? And that I ignored his birthday a week ago? I feel like I always do the wrong thing 🙁
Thanks Chris!! Can’t thank you enough!
Katy
April 1, 2014 at 12:24 pm
Hi. I’m at the end of my tether with my BF. He is being a total t**t and said last night that I was stalking him. (I’m not obviously) We are in a long distance relationship, so we don’t see an awful lot of each other, but I have reason to think he’s using me and I don’t even know if he’s being faithful. I’ve tried to do this before and never lasted longer than a day or 2. I know I have to because I’m sacrificing my self respect. I have very little of that as it is and I think this is a make or break situation. Wish me luck
admin
April 1, 2014 at 5:15 pm
Good luck!
You can do it. I know you can.