6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

1. 

   Daan

   January 16, 2017 at 11:19 pm

   I have been dating this girl for 6 weeks now. I am 17 and she is 18 and we live a 45minute train ride from eachother, but she realised yesterday she was not ready for a relationship yet. Now this seems easy… just wait it out and see when she is ready… But the thing is we agreed to remain friends. She also said she still finds me atractive and really sweet. Now the distance is also a big issue, but ill be studying next door to her in 1.3 years. Wich will make it easier to date. I am now willing to try the NC rule. At the end of this period ill ask her to hang out(or shell ask me if all goes well) but ill also be having exams when that period comes… and after that shell be a week in belgium so that would result in not seeing her for 7 weeks. Should i meet up with her in 4 weeks and then after be bussy with exams in 7 weeks or is it better to wait the full 1.3 years. There is also a slight chance ill imigrate to Canada in 2 years. And she is really wort it…

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 17, 2017 at 3:38 pm

   Hi Daan,
   try texts first after no contact period..and then calls and then meet ups because you have to slowly build rapport first before meeting up again

2. 

   Diane

   January 15, 2017 at 4:33 pm

   I disagree with ignoring the ex. It depends on what the ex comes back with after you’ve done NC. In my case, he came back with something very substantive to say and a solid reason. If he simply said Hey – I’d ignore that. But don’t ignore a man who makes a real effort. Otherwise you’d look like you are playing games snd men do see through that. Good luck!

3. 

   DDC

   January 12, 2017 at 6:20 am

   Hi,

   I’m currently doing the no contact rule however my ex contacts me still with some personal matters, left over things, et al. I reply to him about those but should I reply to him if he is asking a question about something. I also would like to know if I will break my NC if I text/remind him about financial stuff? In case he forgot to make the payment. We still have unfinished finances that might go on for the rest of the year so I dunno how to approach it. I’m currently on my 11th day and I’m doing the 30days.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 13, 2017 at 12:22 pm

   Hi DDC,

   it’s ok to talk about important stuff, just make it only about those stuff.

4. 

   Mln

   January 10, 2017 at 11:47 pm

   I was wondering whether this also applied to the early stages of dating. I have been dating a guy for a month and all of a sudden he decided it was not working and that we should probably stop seeing each other for good. He sent me a text telling me that and I told him that if he really felt that way, we should probably see each other and talk it out. We did now and I feel extremely heartbroken. He still does not want to see me and I am afraid that his life will just continue as if I never existed and he won’t think about me for an instant. Do you think that NC will work for this particular guy?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 11, 2017 at 12:15 pm

   Hi Min,

   there’s no guarantee that it will but it’s either you move on, or try doing no contact period and improve yourself

5. 

   Laura

   January 8, 2017 at 4:58 pm

   My boyfriend of 7 months broke up withon dec 11th.he said he dont feel the same.he is no a dateing site i told him i wanted him back and he said he dont.5 days after we broke up i told him i loved him he said it back.i still love him and want him what should i do.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 8, 2017 at 10:33 pm

   Hi Laura,

   do you want to try the no contact rule?

6. 

   Lori

   January 7, 2017 at 2:42 pm

   After dating my ex for a month, he just stopped texting or calling. He reads my texts but doesn’t reply. On new years eve, he decided to block me on whatsapp but didn’t unfriend on fb. I unfriend him, mistake after reading the article of not. I’m doing the NC right now but after showing how he’s so inlove with me and then just stopped, I just don’t get it. We didn’t even fight.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 8, 2017 at 8:48 am

   Hi Lori,

   before you got back together, why dod you break up and how long were you broken up?

7. 

   Sarah

   January 6, 2017 at 1:15 pm

   Hello!

   My ex boyfriend broke up with me on the day before New Years. Not only is the break up hard, but I’ve moved towns for him, and after him encouraging I also moved jobs closer to where we were living. In the area I only have 1 friend and no family. I started the no contact rule after our last conversation on New Year’s Day. I’m lucky to have that 1 friend who is allowing me to stay at here until I figure out what I’m going to do. I packed most of my things but there are still a fair few things I need to get from our house. These are things just like extra clothes, small belongings and text books which I need for uni which starts again in feb. When should I go to the house to collect these items without breaking the no contact rule? I’m in no hurry but he’s a bit of an idiot and I’m just worried about those things left there, and don’t want him throwing them away. I can usually guess what time he usually isn’t home. Should I go in when he’s not there? I still have keys and I’m on the lease. Thank you!

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 8, 2017 at 3:51 pm

   Hi Sarah,

   why did he break up with you? If you can get it without seeing him better..it’s ok to talk about your stuff during nc, as long as it’s only about those

8. 

   Sherry

   January 5, 2017 at 10:46 pm

   My ex-boyfriend and I are older (51 and 48) and started out pretty hot and heavy about 6 months ago after meeting on eHarmony. We are VERY similar (matched between 96 and 100% on all categories by eHarmony) and love to crack each other up. He talked pretty early about moving in (eventually) and marriage (“unless something MAJOR happens”). (This would be his 3rd marriage and my first.) Unfortunately, we both experienced about 3 months of VERRRRRRY stressful time (work mostly) and we had less time for each other (we even went over 4 weeks without having sex because he was SO exhausted–genuinely!). I thought that once things settled down (in December, but then there is Christmas!), we would regain our connection and time for each other. We took our first vacation together, but it was uncomfortable for me and it wasn’t very romantic, despite being in a very beautiful, mountainous, romantic setting. When I asked him about his distant behavior, he said I was “reading too much into it.” When we got home and talked about it (New Year’s day after playing tennis and laughing/hanging out having fun!), he said maybe we are too much alike because, although we still have AMAZING sex, he feels like I’m more like a friend (or even a sister–ugh!). We jointly and amicably split up because, despite my belief that we could regain the passion we once had, he didn’t believe he would change his mind (he said he had “thought” about it for several weeks). He asked if I’d still like to be friends and I said, “The girl in me says yes, but the psychologist (yes, I’m a psychologist!) in me says that won’t likely work,” since our future partners aren’t likely to appreciate us spending time with an ex, even as a friend. We hugged goodbye and I heard him take two quick breaths (like he was crying, although I didn’t see any real tears). As he walked out to his car, I told him I loved him and after a couple second hesitation, he looked back and said, “I love you, too, Sherry” and got in his car and drove away. The next day (as expected), I stalked his FB page and saw that I was no longer his friend or following him (I’m not sure how the following thing works, honestly). I thought long and hard about it for two days and (before I found Ex-boyfriend Recovery) decided to write him a brief e-mail saying that since we are basically in the same field and have SO much in common, I felt I made a hasty move (as my brain was BUZZING from the fact that he wasn’t willing to try to fix things) and would of course like to be friends, since I generally enjoy smart and funny people for friends. I sent this Tuesday morning and haven’t heard a reply 2 days later. I read information from your pages about NC and what to do on my FB page and how to focus on my own self (I posted that I’m returning to ballroom dance lessons and plan to post a pic when I play tennis tonight). So, my question is:

   What do I do if HE is doing NC to ME???

   I don’t feel overly anxious (well, not as much as I usually would in this situation) and know that he will see all the fun I’m having on my FB posts. I have to believe that he will remember how much fun we had and how much we have in common, but if he never contacts me, I guess NC doesn’t work! Should I EVER contact him (after a month or two)? Any advice??? Thank you!

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 7, 2017 at 6:08 am

   Hi Sherry,

   If he doing the nc rule, that means he wants you back because after it he would have to build rapport. But I think what you mean is that he’s ghosting you. There’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work but it wouldn’t be nice to keep messaging you when it’s apparent that he’s ignoring you. And I think what he meant with what he said is that there is no mystery in you, because you two are too alike. He can’t see you as someone intriguing enough to make him interested and chase you.

9. 

   PS 0708

   January 5, 2017 at 7:27 am

   I met this guy and we fell for each other pretty fast. I asked him if he was ready as I am not ready for a heart break again ( lost a lot of my family recently). He was sweet and understanding. Made me believe that he won’t break my heart and he is ready for a relationship (he came out of a 5 year old live in relationship 7-8months ago). But after 2 months of staying together and having fun. One fine day he starts behaving distant ( his ex gf got pregnant) and when I asked about it he said he wasn’t giving me anything. He is struggling with his career yada yada. And when I asked him what does he want he.said he isn’t ready for a relationship. I was heart broken. But in a couple hours I calmed down and forgave him. I told him what he is going through. ( I really do) he wants to be in touch with me still. Should I talk to him or just move on. I thought he was the one. ( We broke up a week ago)

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 7, 2017 at 4:22 am

   HI PS 0708,

   he got his ex pregnant? For me, you should move on because you said it yourself, you thought he was the one, which means now you know he’s not. So, why would you stay?

10. 

    Kay

    January 4, 2017 at 6:37 pm

    If you are in no contact and your ex is sending you snapchats should you not open them?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 6, 2017 at 7:16 pm

   Hi Kay

   not really but it would be better if you dont open them

11. 

    Rose

    January 4, 2017 at 12:27 am

    my ex bf wished me for happy new year like at 2:30 am on the 31/12 ( not yet New Year’s Eve ) it wasn’t a cold msg
    I wished him back too ( not a cold msg as well ) and I don’t know if I did wrong but I asked about him, he answered but he didn’t ask about me as I said hope always he said assuming I’m good ” you more as well ” the conversation stopped here ( I got pissed), then he liked my nye’s pic on insta .-.
    In fact on the 3rd of dec he sent a heart on instamsg then unsend it so I asked if he sent anything he was like nothing just wanted to say thanks for the support I welcomed and that’s was the conversation
    And On the 28th oct I tried contacting him after 4 months of NC but I was cold formal, he tried to break the ice by calling me with my nickname; I remained cold so he ignored me.

    im wondering what is this ? What should I do?

    Ps i have improved so much since the break up

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 5, 2017 at 8:57 pm

   Hi Rose,
   it does mean you cross his mind but what do you want? If you want to build rapport, do it through texts and calls first. If you want to move on, ignore him

12. 

    Christina

    January 3, 2017 at 5:02 pm

    my boyfriend just broke up with me 4 days ago and we’ve been together for almost 7 years. We have not talked since. Today I received the message from one of our shared friends that his grandfather died last night and he is now on his way to the airport to be with his family. I knew his family well obviously and loved them. I feel like it would be appropriate to send condolences to him and his family. Just a short message. Is that an exception to the rule?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 5, 2017 at 2:51 pm

   Hi Christina,

   Yeah, that’s ok.

13. 

    Gisselle

    January 3, 2017 at 5:14 am

    Hi,
    My bf and I have been in a relationship for about a year and 9 months. We broke up about two months ago because I am about to graduate from college and he seems not to focus on his career or future. The thing is he broke up with me because during our relationship I focused on helping him to follow a “correct” path for him to have a better future…and a better future for both of us. Getting him on the right track was pretty difficult ’cause he kept flunking and missing classes, so that kind of dissappointed me in a way that I started to treat him a little…indifferent. Dont get me wrong I loved him…and I still do. He is a a very nice person and besides he flunking he was perfect to me. He really treated me like a queen and I have no complains whatsover about him. He dumped me because he says that I was too “cold” cause he made every possible effort for me and I didnt. Thing is we tried being “just friends” and dating and that obviously failed terribly. After a date, I decided to tell him that we shouldnt contact each other for two weeks (final weeks for final exams cause NOW he says that all he cares about are his classes) so that we both have a little time to cool off, think and get out of college stress. The idea was that after those two weeks, we could talk about what we have thought. He didnt reach out for me…so I did. He finally told me that he’s not comfortable talking to me right now. A friend of his showed me a text where he told him that he didnt want to see me (several friends of ours and him were going out) because for him out time had already gone…After that I basically started the NC without actually knowing. I now have about 12 days since the day I asked him If we could talk. I really dont know what to do by this point. I plan on keeping the NC but Im scared that he really just looses all interest in me.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 5, 2017 at 2:33 pm

   Hi Gisselle,

   Then take this as a restart. When did you ask him to talk?

14. 

    Amanda

    January 2, 2017 at 4:17 am

    I have been separated from my husband about a year now. He has come back twice trying to make it work but then after 2 months says he just can’t be the husband I need & I deserve better. He suffers from depression & anxiety. I know he still loves me because he says he doesn’t want to ever stop seeing me or being part of my life. In the past I have begged & being needy so I am thinking of doing the NC rule because in this time he has always known I was there so no fear of losing me. I haven’t spoken to him in 3 days and he messaged me now so my question is do I actually tell him I need time thereby initiating the NC rule again or do I just carry on ignoring him giving him no context as to why I am not writing back.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   January 4, 2017 at 4:27 pm

   Hi Amanda,

   if you’ve talked everyday like friends then it would be better to say to him that the current situation is not working for you and you need space bit dont tell him for how long you’re going to do nc

15. 

    Kai

    December 30, 2016 at 6:48 am

    My boyfriend of 3 years (almost 2 years living together) broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. I had just come back from a holiday to visit family for 5 days, I had a bad time while I was away because there has been a lot of rough times during this year for my family so I was feeling down a lot. We kept in contact during my holiday as we were still together at this point but I was always acting really down and not engaging in conversation much with him. Once I came back I was staying at my fathers place for the night which is roughly 1 1/2 hours away from where my boyfriend lived and while I was at my fathers I called him late at night upset that he had barely talked to me all day. Basically we got mad at each other over the phone and he was extremely tired from working lots, I was so mad I even said to him “I will only say I love you to someone who loves me back” I didn’t mean it but I was just mad at the time. He said I love you and goodnight but I just hanged up on him. The next day I went back to his place where we both lived together but he was acting weird all day. When I got there I said I wanted to talk about things because I wanted to apologise for my actions the past week, he then broke up with me saying he doesn’t love me like I love him and he didn’t miss me while I was away. He said that he was happier with me gone. Anyway, I went back to my parents place and a few days later went back to his place to pick up my things. He didn’t want to talk about anything and kept saying he doesn’t miss me or regret his decision. I went back again a few days after that to say goodbye to his parents and to pick up more of my belongings, I ended up staying the night because it was raining and my car is too unsafe for the 1 1/2 hr trip home. We talked a lot that night and he said he feels lost and like a huge disappointment. Anyway, I’ve stopped contact with him since then because I was texting him too much and getting barely any reply. I’m scared that the no contact rule will be pointless and that he truly is happier without me. Before the break up we did fight often but always forgave each other, I thought we always seemed in love but suddenly he just completely changed. I feel that to no contact rule just makes it easier for him to forget all about me, that he has already moved onto another woman. I’m very confused and lost because he doesn’t seem or act like the man I know. Sorry about the long story and thank you !

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   December 30, 2016 at 3:08 pm

   Hi Kai,

   you mean you want to move on?

16. 

    Sarah

    December 26, 2016 at 9:14 pm

    Does no contact period still apply if you’ve spoken once or twice throughout the 30days… only brief chats spaced maybe 1-1.5weeks apart?

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   December 29, 2016 at 4:13 am

   Hi Sarah,

   as in small talk? Nope..

17. 

    Angie

    December 26, 2016 at 7:41 am

    Hi so this is my second time doing the no contact rule. The first time I only lasted 1 week and 5 days. Oops. Anyways I’m doing it again. & I started the 23 of dec. Here’s a little back ground info, we were together for about a 1 & 2 months. But known each other for about 3 years. We honestly broke up and got back together within 2 weeks, more then 8 times. Before I decided to do the 30 no contact rule again, we were already broken up, but still talking and acting like we were still together & did that for about a month. But I hated that because I felt so stupid and lost. He didn’t want the title of my boyfriend but still wanted me to act and treat him like he was that. & I really wasn’t happy with this situation so I told him I would be leaving, and that I needed time. That I thought we both needed time. So now it’s the 25th, Christmas and he texted me saying “Can we talk about what would need to happen for us to be together? Like, a serious conversation?” And I was just wondering if I could get advice on whether to text him back saying I need more time, or just ignore the text.

1. 

   Angie

   December 29, 2016 at 11:30 pm

   Yes. I said not now I need time. And he tired calling but I ignored it. His birthday is coming up too. /:

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   December 30, 2016 at 2:36 pm

   I know its hard but you have to ignore that too

3. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   December 28, 2016 at 5:26 pm

   Hi Angie,

   did you reply?

18. 

    Kitty

    December 22, 2016 at 10:24 pm

    Hey,
    I’ve contacted you before also. And things really worked out between my boyfriend and I. It’s been more than a year since we were together. Always breaking up and then coming back to relationship. But now I’m so sick of it. I want a constant and long term relationship. Recently, he broke up with me without giving me any reason. Maybe because I was very clingy. I’ve followed NC rule even before and it worked out as I said. But will it work this time also? I am afraid.
    It’s freaking me out. I’m so desperately in need of help.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   December 27, 2016 at 2:32 pm

   Hi Kitty,

   even if there’s no guarantee in doing the nc rule, commonly 30 days doesn’t do much help for on and off couples because it’s not really breaking the cycle.. For you to have a restart, you have to accept and let go of the relationship and then do a long nc before reconnecting to build rapport.. sometimes it can gake 3,6 months to a year of nc

19. 

    Fateha

    December 18, 2016 at 3:32 pm

    I don’t usually do these sort of things going online advice and for support but this situation really got me hard and I didn’t know where else to turn until a colleague told me about this rule so I googled it myself. My boyfriend and I met this year in October so it’s been less than 3 months we’ve been dating and just few weeks back he was feeling off about our relationship I don’t know what mess was going through his mind but he still gave us a go and still tried not to give up. Just recently we separated but I don’t even know the status of our relationship as we’re still in contact with each other but rarely even talk compared to the way we spoke when we first met as friends. He acts weird with me whenever we see each other as its hard to avoid him when we have the same friendship circle and I try my best not to see him or speak to him and keep myself busy but it comes to a point where I’m pressured to go see my friends so I’m forced to see him such as friends birthdays etc. I love him dearly and we even spoke about marriage but suddenly he feels as though he is not good enough for me even though I’ve told him thousand of times he is perfect in everyway and no two humans is good on this earth. It came to a point where it got to him and broke down so we gave each other space but 2 days later he said its best if we did our own things but if I wanted to still have him there for me hell be there always whether I want him there or not. I hope really do hope we can sort this out and get back together but no sense of words from me or anyone will change his mind about us for now so I haven’t given this NC rule a go because I’m not too sure if it will work. Even after knowing his past relationships and how he was I still chose him out of anyone. He is the type to not get jealous over anyone no matter how much he loves them and he is a very open minded person so if I was to go ignoring him for 30 days later he will become really negative about the situation and then ignore me and think I’ve moved on so he wouldn’t bother me anymore and cut me out of his life which I do not want at all.

1. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   December 22, 2016 at 1:23 am

   Hi Fateha,

   If he’s really open minded, he wouldn’t get angry. But if you want talk to him about the relationship first.. If he’s still consistent on not trying and then lay your standards..tell him being friends is not working for you right now.. There’s no guarantee that the nc rule will work, but right now it just looks like you’re friendzoned

20. 

    Anne

    December 14, 2016 at 4:58 pm

    Hello I contacted you earlier in the year regarding a friend who came out that he was in love with me on a night out.
    I was previously in a relationship and made the mistake of telling him that we had split up. He took that as me hinting I was interested in him and told me how he felt.

    I reacted quite badly as I did not expect it at all and all his hints in the past were very subtle whilst I was with my boyfriend so I wasn’t picking them up. Basically he was friendzoned with me for years and I was treating him more like one of my girlfriends.

    The night was quite intense and the weeks afterwards I was trying to piece together what had happened as the initial emotional shock was un barable for me. He denied the night ever happening I figured he was very hurt by my response.

    I told him how I felt and told him I would give him a chance. But he was right in the middle of finishing off his degree so was ignoring me a lot whilst focusing on that.

    I decided in March this year to stop texting him and tried to put together an explanation properly explaining why I reacted the way I did and how I was never friends with him because I had a romantic interest in him.

    He was reading my messages but was avoiding talking or responding to anything related to that night and how he felt. He would give me one word answers and answered questions around the topic.

    Over a few months I pieced together more explaining to him that I understood he was trying to win me over from my boyfriend and why it wasn’t working on me at the time.

    I then explained to him not to make friends with girls as my reaction was because he was so far friend zoned I told him if he changes his mind and he wants to try again I will hear him out.

    The problem is this was all very soon after me and my boyfriend of 9 years were also trying to work things out between us our 10 year anniversary was in August. I explained to my friend that when he told me I was working through my break up.

    I still live with my ex and my friend knows this. Over time I’ve tried to get him to make more of a connection with me and I told him how I feel but it’s starting to feel like all he was ever interested in was just the chase.

    But i’m not sure if he’s just really scared to get into something given how emotionally painful our last encounter was and he knows he’s gotten into a complicated situation with me as I have given my ex another chance to work things out with me.

    I saw my friend after 6 months, he was in the passenger side of his friend car he saw me and put his arm against the window to hide his face whilst, his friend stormed off in his car. I don’t think he noticed that I saw him.

    His replies online are very abrupt like he is just angry with me. He is passive-aggressive and told me he would see me in 3 years the night I saw him.

    The last few times i’ve text him, it isn’t showing that he has read my messages he’s either got the same widget as me which hides the seen messages or he is just plain out right ignoring me or deleting my messages.

    I told him i’ve had enough now a year is long enough for me and just decided to delete him off social media.

    I’m not sure what to do he is very introverted and shy or at least he is with me and hid his feelings very well with me and he told me it takes him time to pluck up the courage to ask girls out and the way that night happened was very intense for us both.

    I’m not convinced it was just all about the chase for him he spent far too long trying everything to get my attention and i think playing games is just annoying. I’ve lost a lot of respect for him and as far as feelings are concerned they’ve started to go as I wasn’t emotionally invested in him in the first place.

    Iv’e just spent the last few months telling him off for trying to steal me all those years trying to avoid rejection which I figured was all he was trying to avoid and told him off for talking to me drunk.

    I also explained to him that all his female friends arn’t romantically interested in him. As i noticed in the past he was coming across like he thought girls talking to him were interested in him and it was coming across like he was trying to see how I would react with other girls. None of it phased me as I had a boyfriend I was very much in love with, i also remember him shouting at me for being so ”hard to get”

    The more i reciprocated this year I noticed his social media interaction changed I’ve embaressed him alot and he was using his female friends to make me jelous again as he was convinced I was playing games with him.

    He finished uni and I continued to tell him off and explain how none of his female friends are interested in him because of how girls are and I know all of them have boyfriends anyway and he’s so subtle none of them will reciprocate too.

    He also told me the night he told me how he felt that I was the only girl who was close to him. He barely comes online as much as he did now when we used to talk before. It is just a few minutes then he logs off this is for all social media I noticed. He will go on one app and another at the same time. It’s like he’s just making it look like he has a social life but I know he doesn’t.

    I decided to delete him off facebook now to force him to interact with me in person instead plus he has a lot of my friends as mutual friends so he can use that to spy which he was doing before plus he knows my boyfriends still around.

    Can he still have feelings for me after a year or has he moved on. I heard if men are really interested they will do whatever it takes to get the girl but his self-esteem is so poor i wouldn’t be suprised if he’s just gone back into a shell of fear again after all the stress and embaresment.

    Plus my boyfriend of 10 years never pursued me it was me who chased him and he fell for me. My friend and my boyfriend have very similar personalities but my friend over the years started to turn bitter which I never understood why before but i figured it was because he was getting no where near me fast cause of my boyfriend.

    But they are very similar in personality and it took alot of telling my boyfriend off and telling him what to do to get him to come out of his shell.

    Does chasing all introverted men work or does it put pressure on them. I’m also introverted I hate men chasing me so were were clashing a lot cause he wanted to chase and work on his pace and I told him off cause I wasn’t ready to drop my time for him.

    Any advice would help and sorry for the ramble.

1. 

   Anne

   December 23, 2016 at 1:35 pm

   Thanks for you input,

   As it stand I still live with my ex, when this came out with my friend me and my ex had only recently separted a month prior. So we were both working thorough our feelings for each other and our future. Where we saw each other progressing etc.

   We both live in a fairly large house and he isn’t from my town and has work and friends here. We separated our rooms and our lives a bit more. We are still on good terms and good friends with each other. I didn’t want to make things any more painful for him nor did I want to rock the boat for myself until we had both talked things through with each other about progressing.

   So at the time I was working through that with him and my friend assumed because we had split it was an opportunity for him to come out with how he felt, assuming my ties with my ex were over and chances are I hated my ex etc as I assume he thought break ups were only because people are on bad terms or out of love with each other etc.

   Only it was un-expected for me and the way he was forcing me to go out with him at the time was in an aggressive way and I reacted aggressively back.

   The reason I was explaining the past to my friend was the event with him was emotionally painfull for me too as I didn’t want to lose him as a friend over it and explained why I had missed his hints in the past as they were mainly online and he hid his feelings really well from me in person.

   I had lost my memories for weeks afterwards but I did my research and found how I reacted was typical when the guy friend leads the female into thinking he is only interested in friendship and the female is being only friendly back not flirty. Which i was the whole time with him I never stepped over my boundaries with him once. I never spent 1-1 time with him etc apart from when I last saw him but I was separated at the time so it was okay for me but i kept physical boundaries and conversation cordial.

   I also read men over estimate female interest. It felt like his interest in me was border lining obsession at the time and after the event he told me he wanted to just stay friends. But I explained to him that we can not go back to being just friends now as the dynamic has changed for me. He is acting aloof and cold.

   I also believe he is on the autistic spectrum as I remember him mentioning something like that to me years ago also that he hasn’t been in a intimate physical relationship with a female before either.

   His habits are that of someone with autism too and it explains why there was alot of confusion between us and him not understanding why I wasn’t reciprocating in the past.

   So i was just trying to explain the dynamic between females and males. I wasn’t developing more than friendly feelings for him because I wasn’t physically intimate with him and I assume he was using the media etc to court me in the past as that is his understanding of romance.

   So we both have very different ideas of romance and I was just explaining that to him. My ex also is on the autistic spectrum his habits were very similar to my friends in the past but over the years he learnt to be more emotionally available and relaxed as he too feared intimacy.

   I don’t want to lose my friend but I have made it clear to him that talking online as we used to is not something I want to do as it’s more effort and communication and meaning is lost so by deleating him, I feel it’ll force him to interact with me in person.

   I don’t want him to chase me or persue me, for me men chasing me doesn’t feel natural i’m not sure why it’s always been that way, but I’ve always been the aggressor in my relationships but because of it, i’ve attracted more feminine more subtle men.

   Mainly insecure mamas boy types, but i’ve always been really happy with them.

   So I want him to just treat me as a friend as I have him and try and get him used to learning more about me first instead of just jumping into a serious relationship as he was trying to do before but this time with us both understanding where we stand with each other.

   My ex was the same in the past and he too was really eager to jump into a serious relationship I had to teach him about give and take and trying to cater for each other needs and wants and made him understand how you don’t just get a girlfriend and fit her into a dream you cook up in your mind.

   Me and him lasted as long as we did for a reason and I feel me and my friend could work out based on his traits too.

   But my problem is I think he has withdrawn emotionally to make it easier on himself, he has completely become isolated more so than before and I believe him when he said that he has no other females in his life or has connected with any one else.

   But I come with baggage and I feel this is what he is scared to get into, me being with someone this long means I’m more experienced than him and he has jelousy issues and he knows I still live with the ex.

   I have spoken to my friend in the same time frame as I did in the past once or twice a month. Only in the past I was only checking in on him and being friendly, the last time I sent him a message was on the 17th Dec just telling him that if he wants to stay friend he knows where I live and is still welcome to hang out as we did before and I just said I missed him.

2. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   December 28, 2016 at 6:15 am

   You need to stop trying to be his friend because if he really wants that..he has long done so.. even if he is introverted.. you’ve kept the doors open and he just doesn’t want to reconnect..

3. 

   EBR Team Member: Amor

   December 15, 2016 at 9:23 am

   Hi Anne,

   so, right now,you live alone? When was the last time you talked to him and to your 10 year ex? And you hvae to stop talking about the past with the other guy, because it’s starting to look like you can’t move on, just chasing and trying to convince him why he should try to chase you again