The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0) - Ex Boyfriend Recovery

1,163 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)”

Claire

September 14, 2015 at 10:05 am

Hi Chris,
So nice to find your articles. I’m a Chinese girl and my ex was an Chinese American. We’ve been together for 4 years. 2 years in the same university in Beijing, 2 years LDR. Recently, he found a good job in NJ that will be started from September this year. we decided that I apply for a master’s program that close to his new job’s place in the US. So I quit my job this summer, moved to his place and begin my preparation. However, since he was busy for the whole summer( as an assistant in Beijing program before officially starting in the US), we had little time to get along, we were kind of impatient and careless to each other. We didn’t have much to talk and I can even felt his indifference.

Not long ago, he moved back to the US for his new job. Only 5 days after he settled down, he broke up with me. He said we were not that compatible anymore. Maybe the 2 years LDR has made us drifted apart. What made me desperate is that he said he still cares about me but it’s not love anymore, and he is now on the other continent thousands of miles away from me and seems I can do nothing to win him back. Now it’s been more than 2 weeks since we broke up, I initiated the NC about 6 days ago. Does an NC really apply to my situation? From a guy’s point of view, he did this just to escape the commitment or he had met someone new during his summer work in China? What else can I do to save our relationship? His birthday is coming, should I send him a card or message? I really need your help. Thank you so much.
M

September 13, 2015 at 9:57 pm

Hi Chris
I’ve been dating this guy for 4 months, everything was going very well, and we agreed to be exclusive, but not boyfriend/girlfriend title. We were meeting 3-4 times per week. Recently he went on vacation to visit his family abroad, and during his vacation he emailed me and told me he thinks relationship is not right for us at this time, and better be friends. He said he likes me alot. I emailed him back and said there’s no need to rush into relationship, and he told me everyone is different, maybe sometimes the click is just not there. But in the beginning of the relationship, he told me that we had chemistry, and he said if a guy really try, he can create chemistry. I don’t know what happened. He agreed to meet with me when he comes back from his trip. Any chance I can convince him to stay with me in my situation? Thank you.
niloo

September 13, 2015 at 5:59 pm

Hi chris i dont know why none of my comments are posted here.any way i went on no contact rule for 24 he just contacted once so cold and formal i didnt answer days then i texted my ex saying remember that place we went on February in….do u know its name?(We had the best memories there and we became close for the first time) He didnt answer me.today i texted him on whats app asking did u get my message he didnt even open it i guess he has moved on.im so sad and desperate. I lost all my hope plzzzzzzzz answer this one
Taylor S

September 13, 2015 at 5:23 pm

I just wanted to come on here and say that the No Contact Rule REALLY WORKS. I honestly had it in my head that my boyfriend would NEVER reach out and that it was over, completely. I stayed strong and today, day 8 of NC, he called begging for me back after seeing pictures of me on Facebook out with friends. I’m making him work for it. We are going on a date later this week and starting from scratch. Ladies. be strong, it does work!!

Chris Seiter

October 2, 2015 at 4:51 pm

Yay!

Scream it for everyone to hear.

Court

September 13, 2015 at 5:43 am

Hi Chris,

I have purchased your book and have read most of your articles, but I have a question. I may be missing it, but have you talked anywhere about when your ex tries keeping you in their life because they “don’t know what they want right now?” Thank you

Chris Seiter

October 2, 2015 at 4:52 pm

I have in articles but never published an article purely about it.

Dena

September 12, 2015 at 5:34 pm

Hey Chris, Congratulations!!! Awesome news re your little girl arriving. I hope all is well. So, i am in my first week post NC & my ex & I have been messaging back and forth. He has been responding positively to my texts in a reasonably timely manner (within an hour or so), but he is not initiating contact and I am getting fed up. When we were together, he initiated at least 1/2 of the time. We were in an LDR, so distance and different communication styles contributed to the challenge. Personality wise, I am quite extroverted, whilst he is the opposite. What can I do to engage him further, help him to see past the roadblocks of an LDR and inspire him to “chase” & initiate contact? I have been following all your steps, but im getting annoyed now. I know I am a catch – so why isnt he initiating? Many thanks.

Chris Seiter

October 2, 2015 at 4:54 pm

Thanks!

What is annoying you about the process exactly?

niloo

September 12, 2015 at 12:29 pm

hi Chris
so i went on nc for about 24 days i texted him today sayin “remember that restaurant we went on February that was in …. do you remember its name?” ( we had the best memories in there and it was where we truly connected and fell for each other)
5 hours past no answer at all .
i guess he moved on or maybe confused dont know what to do should i give up or what?
i hope u answer this one
Cami

September 12, 2015 at 12:03 pm

Hi Chris,

I was with my bf for almost a year when i was abroad and after i had came back to my home country we continued for two more months until a few days ago he texted me to tell me his decision of breaking up with me. I had a lot of problems too when i was there that we broke up once before. The main problems we had were: I always got mad at him because he was always busy and would never put his priority and attention on me. After we started the long D, the problem was more and more serious because time and effort is even more important in a long D isnt it. But he just never made the time to call me or skype me and thats why i always got mad at him and started a fight. He tolerated that until last weekend i did something (just a tiny deal, not about cheating or lying) that I angered him. After that i kept calling him to apologize and when he eventually agreed to talk on skype, he was kind of indifferent and not too attentive because he was having his friends around. So it was my turn to get mad that i ignored his message during the weekend. And on monday there came the break up text from him saying that he couldnt stand our constant fights anymore and my attitude during the weekend made him realise that I am very childish and uncapable of dealing issues of ours. He said he saw no points maintaining a relationship built up on fights more than talks. And ever since that we didnt talk. Do you think we have no chance anymore? Thanks Chris!!
Jessica

September 12, 2015 at 7:58 am

Hey Chris,
Last night I saw my exboyfriend at a party. We have got a mutual (male) friend where we both have contact with. This mutual friend was standing with my exboyfriend, and so I came to talk to that friend. I think it was a bit (too) obvious I stood there for my exboyfriend. But I recently lost weight, so I wanted him to notice.
As we were standing there, one time my exboyrfriend and I glanced at each other, me first looking at him and then we ‘smiled’ (you know what I mean)
A few minutes later I began to realize it was a stupid idea, so I went back to my friends. I didn’t say a word to my exboyfriend and he neither to me.
Now my question: Do I have to start the NC rule all over? I was at day 14. (And also a not unimportant detail, he doesn’t talk to me ( and won’t because I know him) during the NC rule, he ignores me just as much as I do with him.
Megan

September 11, 2015 at 5:54 pm

I’m currently 17 days into No Contact and I feel like I’m doing really well; my ex has messaged me a few times and I’ve been diligent about not replying and just focusing on myself.

Today my ex messaged me and randomly asked me how much I spent on groceries for myself so he could get an idea for his own moving budget. He said that he would ask someone else, but he doesn’t know anyone else that lives on their own. I know this isn’t true, as one of his best friends lives alone (although I’m not sure if this friend is responsible enough to have a budget), a girl he’s been hanging out with lives alone with a kid, and I know he’s friends with people on Facebook he could ask this question to. When we used to live together, I was responsible for the grocery budget, but he would contribute, so he should know the answer… He apologized if he was making things weird for me, as well.

My initial instinct was to ignore it and continue with No Contact, but I still want him back, and I wonder if this is his way of testing me somehow to see if I still care. My plan is to still continue with No Contact, but I’m wondering if there’s anything else I should do.
Nicole

September 11, 2015 at 1:32 pm

My boyfriend of almost 4 years broke it off with me because he wasn’t sure if it was what he wanted for the rest of his life (he calls it trying to find himself), a month after we split he started dating someone younger. The no contact rule would be easy to do if we didn’t share an apartment together (thou he has been staying at his parents since the split, but is still paying his half of the rent) and have bills together and that’s the only reason we text or talk. I try and keep the conversations to just talking about our bills but it seems like he’s trying to carry on the conversations to talk about stuff besides money. And he’s the one that said we shouldn’t talk everyday because then he wouldn’t know if he really misses me, but yet he trys to drag out conversations….What should i do?
KT

September 11, 2015 at 6:06 am

Hi Chris,

I was wondering if you can do an article about

your boyfriend loving you but he wants to explore other options and go to grad school in a different country and just wants to be single. Even though I said I would support him no matter what, he doesn’t want a gf. That to me just means he wants to explore other options. However, he still wants to stay with me until he leaves which is pretty selfish of him but I see his point of view. I broke up with him however because it isn’t fair to me. What’s the likelihood that he would want to get back together? Am I suppose to wait for him for a year? Help please 🙁
Eleanor

September 10, 2015 at 11:16 pm

I read through the article, and I think this will work! I’m going to tart using the NC rule starting today! Thanks for writing this ♡
Sophie

September 10, 2015 at 5:24 pm

Dear Chris,

I’ve been reading all your articles and I appreciate it. I admire the fact that you take time to help women worldwide. I’m 23 and French, and let me tell you that you have A LOT of readers over here.

Like every girl here, I have a problem with getting my ex boyfriend back. We’ve been together for 4 years, we were each other first love and growing up with him was challenging but very inspiring. It wasn’t the perfect relationship, but we were happy and there were so much love and tenderness between us.

The thing is that I had to go study abroad for a year (In Germany), we broke up after a few months when I was there. The break up was terrible, we’ve been really rude to each other. I tried to move on (in vain!), we didn’t talk for 9 months.

After this long period, I contacted him via texts. I was back in France for a year again, in the very same city that him. By texts, I’ve admitted that I still love him (don’t be mad at me haha, at that point I didn’t know EBR). He was straight to me on the fact that he didn’t want to get back with me because “too much things happened between us” and he “had to moved on”… I still wanted to see him in person, so we met in a coffee. He said “yeah maybe but not now later”. The day after he send me an email in the middle of the night telling me “ok you are probably right we should see each other”.

That was weird at the beginning but thanks to your article about dating I did a great job. I’ve also lost 25 pounds during the year, and I’m on my way to be an ungetable girl 🙂 . We talked about our lives, we laughed a lot. He admitted he was seeing someone, but he said he didn’t love her as much as he loved me. He actually admitted that he had still feeling for me but that was too “complicated”. I asked if he wanted us to be a couple again some day, he said “I don’t know maybe one day but not now”. He said that we could meet an other day too, as old friends.

At the end of the date, I went for the short hug, and his hand touched my behind accidentally (how shocking!) I played it like I was shocked, I was about to go and leave when he took my hand and KISSED me. Honestly the best kiss of my life.
I didn’t know how to react so I just left and took the subway (I’m so clumsy… 🙁 ). 2 Minutes later I received a text from him: “sorry I should not have done this, let’s say that it’s was our goodbye”.

I understood that he felt a lot of pressure so I reassured him (9 hours later) and told him that there were no pressure and as he said we could meet an other day again.

The morning after he texted me, talking about the good old times, and how happy he was with me. He said “even if we are not together, that we have our own lives, Ill never forget you and how happy you made me feel”…. I wasn’t really happy with that text, I felt like I was just belonging to the past. I texted him as you taught, using sweet memories, and he was really receptive to this, he answered straight away and he seemed to flirt with me. He even sent me a screenshot of our conversations back in 2011. The problem is that he never texts first (he did it just one time), but especially that it’s been a month since I saw him, and he didn’t proposed any date or real action, or not even a phone call. If I don’t write he doesn’t either. Last time we spoke was 3 weeks ago, I began a NC period and I’m on my 18th day of NC.

I have an excuse to see him again (I’d like him to fix my computer because he is a informatic professional), but I don’t know if it’s the best solution. I don’t wanna be the one that asks and stalks to see him.

Was the NC the right decision? Knowing him, I know he probably won’t write me until I do. What should I do? I’m afraid that after all that time apart, NC will just make him think I’m not stable and not trustworthy, now that we have a bound ( a really fragile bound) or he could forget about me.

I don’t know if he is playing with me or just using me emotionally while he can have fun physically with other girls. How could I get an other date? Should I use this excuse ? Honestly I’m way more effective when I see people in reality rather than texts.

This all thing is really confusing, I need help to understand him and know if I have to give it up or continue. Thank you for your time Chris, it means the world to me.

(Sorry for my English it’s not perfect haha)

Sophie
Xxxx

Chris Seiter

October 2, 2015 at 5:00 pm

Your english is pretty perfect!

I actually went to Paris last year and loved it.

I definitely think NC was the right decision.

Stefanie

September 10, 2015 at 5:06 pm

I did something stupid. I’m still freaking out if I did the right thing or not. I’m only on day 5 on NC rule. I was texting my dad telling him where a store was at, but I acidently text my ex instead. My ex responded, but I didn’t respond back. Was that the right thing to do?

Stefanie

September 13, 2015 at 3:47 pm

I was forced to break the No Contact rule yesturday. His nephew got really hurt badly and needs surgery. I love his family like my own. His family don’t know what happen to us yet. Everytime they wanted to talk to him when we were together they call me. I didn’t think I contacted him and told him call his family. He started asking me bunch of questions on what happen, but I kept telling him to talk to his family. This all happened yesterday. My heart still beating hard for his nephew. I was told today by his family it was a rough 36 hours but the nephew is stable now. Thank God. Do I have to start the No Contact Rule all over again? I also have a bill of our that I can only aford half of it. Should I ask him for the other half. I also found some personal papers of his. Should I mail it to him or tell him to come get them? I really need answers very soon.

Elizabeth

September 10, 2015 at 9:51 am

Hi Chris,
I am on day four of week two of NC with my ex boyfriend of nine months. We were fighting all the time, he brokeup with me then wanted to work it out two days later and then we ended up hanging out again for two weeks and then I ended it again. He tried to treat it like I wasn’t serious and wanted to continue talking and I said “If there’s any hope for us in the future then we need to let each other go now. It’s different this time.” I also told him I had went on a date with someone else. Three days ago he deleted me off Facebook, Instagram, and SnapChat. Can you tell me what this means? Am I getting to him? Is he trying to get a rise out of me? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.
Cami

September 10, 2015 at 7:49 am

Hi Chris,

I was with my bf for almost a year when i was abroad and after i had came back to my home country we continued for two more months until a few days ago he texted me to tell me his decision of breaking up with me. I had a lot of problems too when i was there that we broke up once before. The main problems we had were: I always got mad at him because he was always busy and would never put his priority and attention on me. After we started the long D, the problem was more and more serious because time and effort is even more important in a long D isnt it. But he just never made the time to call me or skype me and thats why i always got mad at him and started a fight. He tolerated that until last weekend i did something (just a tiny deal, not about cheating or lying) that I angered him. After that i kept calling him to apologize and when he eventually agreed to talk on skype, he was kind of indifferent and not too attentive because he was having his friends around. So it was my turn to get mad that i ignored his message during the weekend. And on monday there came the break up text from him saying that he couldnt stand our constant fights anymore and my attitude during the weekend made him realise that I am very childish and uncapable of dealing issues of ours. He said he saw no points maintaining a relationship built up on fights more than talks. And ever since that we didnt talk. Do you think we have no chance anymore?
Brittany

September 10, 2015 at 5:01 am

Hey Chris,

I think your website is really great and I’ve visited often in the last year trying to find hope and answers. Well turns out in my situation my ex got his current girlfriend pregnant. And well for me, I just want to move on from this heartbreak once and for all. I wish you could respond to me with a response on how to move on or even better an article outlining steps to move on from a relationship. I didn’t get closure from my relationship and to this day I don’t know why I was dumped. I know you’re very busy but it would mean the world to me if you could reply and create a final article on the actual recovery process from a relationship. I would be so grateful! Thanks. 🙂
NC queen

September 10, 2015 at 1:28 am

Hello Chris!
So I’m on day 20 of no contact and been very good! however I have two questions:

1. My ex has finally cracked and sent a message saying Hi. Should I open the message so he knows I’ve read it and then continue NC or leave it unopened?

2. He’s likely to contact my best friend to ask about me because I’ve NEVER not answered him back before. What should she say to him if anything?
Michelle

September 9, 2015 at 7:34 pm

Hello Chris, if he has never made it clear that we have broken up, and instead acted caring about me when i tend to drift away, but dont agree to meet for 3 weeks, still talk to me like normal, but once i told him i still like him and will be here for him, he act cold and moody, are we still bf/gf? Should I initiate NC? Would talking to him less n less everyday help him getting used to life without me, just like quitting smoking? Do you have any advice Chris?

Michelle

September 20, 2015 at 4:15 pm

Hey Chris, its been a monty since we last met n talked. He didnt give me a closure but we were quite intimate last time. He just doesnt agree to come out, and every time i showed i still love him, he act more distant. But i still have sth to give him. So we keep texting everyday, but i feel the more i text, the dumber he think i m, my philosophy and all that. When i went two day, NC, he didnt care (he used to initiate contact within a day if i go NC, i feel like he doesnt care anymore. ). I dont know how much chance i have left, and i dont know if my keeping contact has ruin my chance. But i dont know what to do, u r the only one who can help here, please Chris. Should I go NC directly or should I meet him one more time to make his feeling towards me come back (he usually treats me a lot better when he sees me..is he just being polite?) and go disappear? Chris I wundt know my move until I hear from u, I am worried!
Michelle

September 16, 2015 at 3:52 pm

Hello Chris, do u think i should be proactive and confront to him and break it up and then go NC? Becuz ever since i told him i still like him last week, hes been super cold to me, and i tried NC for two days but it failed becuz i was not sure if that is the thing to do in my case, in which he hasnt made the break up clear but acting cold. Chris can u help me with decoding a little bit here, and give me an action plan to get him back?
Michelle

September 10, 2015 at 2:50 pm

And if he hasnt put in too much effort throughout the relationship, would NC still work?

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1,163 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (Version 2.0)”