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DeeDee
September 3, 2014 at 3:21 am
My ex and i fight constantly. I love him most days and just want us to have what we used to. Neither of us have done anything absolutely awful, like cheat, but our arguments get really hurtful sometimes. I know he still loves me, and i think we both miss what we had. We had another argument 4 days ago and i decided i was going to NC for 21 days. I see it recommends a full month here. Long story short. Day 4. He showed up at my house staying that he was worried because i hadn’t answered his texts or calls. Do i have to start over? I did not contact him and i sent him away right away.
admin
September 3, 2014 at 3:44 pm
Why are you always fighting? Over what?
DeeDee
September 4, 2014 at 1:02 am
Insecure Jealousy. Both sides. That is basically baggage from past relationships. He’s terrified of the friendships I have with men. I don’t like how he’s kind of a flirt with other women. Even though i really don’t think either one if us would ever take anything to a completely inappropriate level, it doesn’t stop either one of us from assuming the worst.
Money. Isn’t that the number one thing couples fight about? At one point we tried to move in together, but his credit is absolutely trashed. I was disappointed, but tried to assure him that just meant we had to work hard for a bit to get to that point. But he’s positive that this event changed our relationship in a negative way. I think it made him feel like less of a person to have his past financial mistakes dragged out and analyzed in front if me.
I love this guy, but man do we have problems and now were broken up because of it. It’s not what i wanted at all and i don’t think he wanted it either Hut were wedged between a rock and a hard place.
DeeDee
September 3, 2014 at 7:05 am
Also? Am i supposed to tell him I’m NC him for whatever amount of time? I see some ladies saying it was an agreement between the 2. But he said some awful things our last argument. I’m so angry at him that i don’t want to talk to him long enough to tell him I’m not talking to him. We need an adult time out really bad. You know a woman is really angry when she stops yelling.
I’m crazy and he’s an idiot, and the main reason I’m crazy is because he’s an idiot. Thanks George Carlin.
T
September 2, 2014 at 4:58 pm
I know this is for people with established relationships but maybe you can help, will try and keep a 4yr story short.
Met a guy about 4yrs back and the moment I spoke to him, I kind of knew I wanted him in my life forever, I had a short lived initial attraction, which faded after he did some things I didn’t like early, on and off chatting, till I just let go one day, after that he saw me out and ended up contacting me and spending almost everyday with me for months, but I was in love with an on and off fling and I even let him know this. He hated the guy and even the next guy (will talk about that one later).
We stayed very good friends and we would chat for hours all day almost everyday sometimes. When he finally met someone, he said he had found the one and I was so jealous, but they broke up soon because she was “clingy”. After which I was not sure of my feelings anymore so I didn’t act. We had a big fight sometime later and we did not speak for a year. He was very mean and I said a load of hurtful things. When we finally had a sit down which I initiated, he seemed so sad and like he missed me, like a puppy. We started hanging again, but then I met someone else, after which we lost contact.
I reached out to him this year and he seemed happy, I met up with him and his friends and we had a fun night which led to a drunken kiss which he initiated. Asked him if he liked me and he said “you know I do”, I asked him why he never said anything, ashamed to say I don’t remember his response due to being intoxicated, but I went on to say I like being his friend. I got a bit scared and decided to choose friendship over anything and I ended up steering convo back to friend zone territory. Already had one heart break this year, didn’t feel I could risk another one, especially not with him.
Problem now is I have had to initiate every contact and convo since and the last time we hung out with a group, he gave me minimal attention which is a big contrast to all the attention he gave me the night we kissed and for the first time I saw him show another girl interest in front of me and that hurt. I asked him if he was in a relationship at all and he said no, then I asked specifically if he was dating the girl, he said no again and gave reason why not . He gave her subtle touches that show there is definitely something brewing, so I wasn’t that convinced. Ended up saying goodnight with a knot in my stomach.
I had a bit of a problem with my car at his and I took a cab, sent my driver to get my car and called him to give him the heads up, he never called back or replied to my messages, figured he was still asleep after a long night, driver got the car from outside without any hindrance from security, but he never called back or sent a message to see if my car situation was sorted. I normally wouldn’t care if not for new developments but I was upset he was not being a gentleman, so I sent a sarcastic message saying “thank you for checking if I got my car” and he responded “Welcome”. That had me reeling, but I’ve been quiet since. I realize I’m ready to take the risk, since there is no friendship left to lose (not interested in one sided friendship). Will the no contact rule work for me, it came naturally to me before to disconnect from him, now that I have these feelings I’m not sure what to do. HELP! I just want to know how he feels and hopefully it’s positive and we date and if not I move on and maybe we’ll reconnect as friends in the future.
admin
September 3, 2014 at 2:34 pm
When was the last time you talked to him?
T
September 4, 2014 at 11:47 am
Saturday the 30th of August after his “welcome” response. Decided to do no contact, while waiting for your response. Not like he’s reached out since then, like I wrote I’ve been initiating lately. Does the “no contact rule” apply to this situation?
T
September 8, 2014 at 11:48 am
Hi…
admin
September 15, 2014 at 3:14 pm
Hi…
Nicki
September 2, 2014 at 2:37 pm
Hi Chris,
I wrote a few weeks back in the ‘what if he doesn’t contact you in NC’ page…(12 aug 11.50am) 4 mths since break up, didn’t do a full NC period, tried to build attraction, slept with him, he wouldn’t commit, I went NC and didn’t hear from him.
I got a positive response to the initial contact msg 3 days ago. He responded
Immediately, asked what I was up to, I replied – no direct questions, he responded immediately.. And kinda ended the text saying ‘…have a good one missy x’ so I didn’t reply as couldn’t really end the conversation.
So last night I sent second ‘first contact text’ about a tv show we both love. Got into a convo of 4-5 msg’s each. He set it up perfect for me to get in pfunny, short, embarrassing story. I ended it nicely by saying ‘TV show on.. Night night x’
In the convo I asked him questions to keep it going – he volunteered info about what he’d been up to, so I kept the questions about that…
Problem is – he hasn’t asked me any questions about what I’ve been up to… I know I have to wait a couple of days and try again… But
1. how long to I stay on these first contact type messages until trying to transition to good memory if he isn’t initiating contact or asking me questions back?
2. If I keep getting positive responses, do I just keep doing the same.. Every couple of days? Or do I need to mix it up a bit with time between convos?
I got your book – thanks!
I feel I’m at last chance saloon to re attract him now and being super careful.. (I know he’s at least texting another girl – but she’s long distance, ha!)So I might seek your support a little in the coming weeks – though I’ll try and keep it brief and succinct!!
Cheers x
admin
September 3, 2014 at 2:30 pm
1. Usually you want to end the conversation fast at the beginning and then slowly but surely have longer and longer conversations.
Jaz
September 1, 2014 at 8:22 pm
Hello
I need some advice. My long term boyfriend left me a week and a half ago as he said he was unhappy. We have had a heart to heart since then and he said he is depressed and doesn’t feel like himself anymore, he is struggling to see purpose in life and wants some time to deal with these feelings. I have been suffering from work stress and anxiety for best part of a year and have just come through it all. Problem is i lent on him too much and treated him poorly. I stopped appreciating him and completely lost my sex drive and this i believe made him feel bad. He tried putting more effort in but i still hadn’t recovered fully and once i had, felt it hard to reconnect as he had become cold and distant towards me.
He said i had cut some deep wounds in him emotionally and needs time to figure his life out and push himself to recover from the anxiety issues he has developed and the depression. He has suffered with depression before but it was new to me and i didn’t know how to handle it all.
He texted me everyday for the first week and a bit and has come round the house 4 times to collect his belongings. The last time we spoke i kept really positive and he said how happy he was that i was dealing with my issues and working on being happier. I asked him to get rid of his stuff quicker so i can move on and so my friend can move in. I know he will want to keep coming round and getting his stuff so NC will be hard.
He is still moving out and has told me to get someone else to move in to help support me with the rent. He said he can’t tell me how he will feel about trying again until he has dealt with his own issues.
Today i started no contact and he has not text me at all.
I asked him to get rid of his stuff quicker when he came round so i can move on and so my friend can move in. I know he will want to keep coming round and getting his stuff so NC will be hard.
Shall i keep up NC? What should i do when he wants to come round and get his stuff (we lived together for a year and a half).
Also his mum is a therapist and has offered me help to talk through my issues, should i go to her? He is staying with her so i don;t want to bump into him but i feel if i go to her and speak through my issues he will see i’m working hard on myself. He did say in one post break up convo that he needed time to see how i would cope back at work (been on summer hols).
Any advice would be appreciated x
admin
September 2, 2014 at 1:34 pm
Yup, I would say keep up NC right now.
Jaz
September 2, 2014 at 5:51 pm
I messaged him back after waiting a whole day and said: Thanks for thinking of me and finding this!! Really appreciate it! 🙂
He messaged me back an hour later telling me about something funny that happened at work. It was a very excited and upbeat message. I think he wants my response.
Shall i wait a bit and message him back or ignore it?
admin
September 3, 2014 at 2:38 pm
Wait a bit and message him back.
Jaz
September 3, 2014 at 3:34 pm
Ok I messaged him back after 5 hours, kept it really short and fun and he texted back immediately after every one. He said he will find out something and let me know. I ended saying i’ve got to go and he replied ‘Ok speak to you soon 🙂 x’
This is good right?
I am actually feeling really better and confident in myself now too. I just want him to message me to hang out. He still has loads of stuff to get from the house still though.
How do i deal with situations where he is coming round to get more stuff?
Jaz
September 1, 2014 at 8:24 pm
He has just now messaged me on fb and linked a post to buy a new TV as he has took his and it was the only one in the house. He is still thinking about me but that’s a hard message to take
Devin
September 1, 2014 at 4:29 pm
I met my ex-boyfriend in June as a fellow intern, knowing that he had to go back to school in Arizona, while we are in Texas. Dated for the whole summer, fell deeply in love to the point of us talking about the future (coming back, moving in, getting married, etc.), and he decided that he was not ready and did not want a long distance relationship. He had two bad ones and felt that he didn’t want to go down that path again. So, we decided to date until he left and the minute he left was the minute that we are no longer dating. We both mutually agreed and promised to be friends throughout this process. Before he left, he told me to delete his phone number and he would call me in a month. After a week of no contact, he blocked me on Snapchat. After two weeks of no contact, he texted me last night discussing about the recent leaked celebrity photos.
He’s ahead of his schedule. Can you please help me understand why he would choose to text me randomly?
admin
September 2, 2014 at 1:29 pm
Hmmm… well, its been a month and he said he’d contact you right?
Lou
August 30, 2014 at 9:16 am
Hi,
so I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 10 months. We’ve been through a really rough patch of about 6 weeks where we were arguing 2/3 times a week, often caused by me,as i have a lot of insecurity due to a past relationship.
The arguing has decreased to zero in the last couple of weeks, we have our disagreements but they are solved within minutes.
We dont live together and if he doesnt see me for a day he texts saying how hes missing me and wishes I’d come round for a cuddle etc.
but then after a really great week and us both agreeing how happy we are and how we can see a future together, i caused an arguement.
Ive been really stressed with a new role at work and i became a little reassurance seeking, but went about it in the wrong way in hindesight, asking why he hadnt texted me and saying he wasnt bothered about me, this turned into an arguement and the next day he broke up with me saying he has had enough of arguing and if we argue then it proves we will never work.
do you think he’s right?
it just seems like after how great we’ve been this one argument has pushed him over the edge. should i try NC or do you think its too late?
admin
September 2, 2014 at 12:21 pm
Are you two still together or have you broken up?
If you are still together I wouldn’t recommend NC.
Lou
September 2, 2014 at 3:53 pm
No he broke up with me, he said that ew had enough of the arguements and that this last one has pushed him away for good. I have seen him since the break up and he said there is no chance that he will ever give the relationship another go. Should I believe him or is he still just too fresh from the arguments? It’s been four days
Sara
September 16, 2014 at 8:58 pm
Lou, this is exactly my story. Let me know what happens with your ex
missya
August 29, 2014 at 11:56 pm
I was in a relationship with a guy for 8mos. We became very close. He was talking about moving in together and just started using the L word. The problem was he was attached to his mom. He lived there and worked with her. When he told her we were going to move in together she cried. Thing was he is 33 and never moved out. His Longist relationship was 1yr. When I agreed to move in and was pushing it he started with excuses of why we should wait. I asked him why I never met him my… more excuses. I put him down alot in anger of feeling the way I felt he was a scared mommas boy along with other hurt full things. I didn’t hear from him. I text him the next day and he said he couldn’t do the relationship anymore. I told him I was sorry I was so mad and for the hit ful things I said. And I love him but he made up his mind. He didn’t respond. Haven’t talked in 3 days now. Do you think there’s any way he will cut the mothers cored and the NC will work?
admin
September 2, 2014 at 12:18 pm
You never met him in person????
missya
September 6, 2014 at 2:27 am
He was so attached to his mom but I never met her… did you read the post?
missya
August 30, 2014 at 1:03 am
* I never met his mom
Anna
August 29, 2014 at 8:25 pm
So my boyfriend broke up with me Sunday and I am on day three of no contact. He was concerned about his ability to commit right now and wants to remain “friends” and still be involved in my kids’ lives, even though I suggested taking a step back from the relationship and taking a bit of space instead of ending it. Problem is, we work together. Different departments in our store, but I run into him quite often. The last 4 times we ran into each other, no eye contact was made and nothing was said. The first time was on his end, the next 3 were on mine. He is stubborn and I always have to come to him to fix things when we have issues. He hasn’t deleted me on facebook and hasn’t hastily returned my things (and my kids’ things), but it feels like we are both using the no contact approach. I guess my question is… how does this work when we are coworkers? Not to mention his brother works with us also and my kids’ daycare is by his house so I feel rather stalker-ish when I have to drive that direction. He pulls away out of fear and I think that’s all this is… but it’s hard to know. It’s awkward and painful when we zoom past each other in front of our friends and coworkers (who have no idea about the split) but it’s not like we can just say hello and be on our merry way, especially when I am implementing NC. He is acting strange… stressed, seems like he’s in a funk and I am just trying to take it one day at a time until the NC period is up and go from there. But how awkward, right?
admin
September 2, 2014 at 12:15 pm
Its an awkward situation but hold your ground. I think you are doing well.
Lana
August 29, 2014 at 3:17 pm
Great stuff I found here. Thanks. My bf broke up with me without even telling me. He’s done this twice this yr. We have been together for over 9 yrs. He ran off for days of course without telling me. He comes back and sends me an e-mail that he wants to have a conversation. Ok, so in 3 weeks he can’t see me to have one when I live 8 mins away? I asked him how does he plan on having this conversation? No answer. Instead at the end of the day he sent some lame text asking me about my job. I asked him “why”? No answer. Holy bat shit crazy mind games. I told him to stay away from me. He’s a coward which I loathe. I blocked him from all lazy forms of communication. I’m done with this disrespecting fool.
admin
September 2, 2014 at 12:05 pm
Him leaving was just out of nowhere?
Lana
September 3, 2014 at 11:54 am
Not really. He took me to Arizona to explore the option of moving there. We had the best time and he researched how I could transfer my professional license there. A month later he told me he found a place down in the Florida Keys and my input on this decision was really non of my business. Huge eye opener. I left him. He always had one foot out the door. He can keep on going. I’m in the pissed off stage if you can’t tell.
Lana
September 3, 2014 at 11:55 am
“none of my business”
HL
August 29, 2014 at 2:49 pm
My boyfriend and I were together for 3 years and we lived together. Long story short I would call it more of an amicable breakup if that exists… But at the end of the day it was him who break up with me without getting into all the details now. After the break up he continued to initiate contact with me pretty frequently asking my opinion on work stuff, and even said he would like to keep the door open between us bc he really missed having me in his life. He invited me to beach weekend meetup which was great and like we were still in a relationship. This level of communication went on for about 3 months before I started no contact. The first few days of no contact he continued to conact me until he finally called me out for ignoring him. At that time I chose to break no contact and tell him how I felt. I love hearing from you but the truth is I cannot be in a half relationship with you, I feel like I left my cards on the table and you told me to fold and it’s too hard to keep talking it just gives me hope we will get back together… So at this time I think it’s best if we take some space. He said he felt the dust still had not settled in the last relationship and he didn’t want to rubs back in without a clean slate (which I can appreciate but also sucks ) 2 days later he contacted me again with a funny picture saying hey “pet name”, one more thing I forgot to send this to you the other day .. I ignored. And that was about 3 weeks ago now. I’ve been having ups and downs of relief and sadness. But in general I can see no contact is best for me, not just to try and get him back.
This morning I woke up to a message from him saying ” “I hope you are well” .. And I will ignore bc I have strong discipline but what do you think? His behavior is ambiguous and confusing . What do you think the purpose of him reaching out was?
admin
September 2, 2014 at 12:04 pm
I think you are right to ignore it.
HL
September 3, 2014 at 6:35 pm
My 30 day no contact period is now over . I was thinking of extending, his last comment felt ambivalent to me. It’s feels like he has one foot in and one foot out and I’m not interested in being in the friend zone. Do you think this guy is worth holding out for ? I want him to see what a break up is actually like, where I won’t be there for emotional support. Should I ever reach back out to him or just let him reach out to me again ?
Margaret Hale
September 6, 2014 at 5:23 pm
Hi HL,
I hope you don’t mind me jumping in here (hope Chris doesn’t mind either). I think you are awesome for standing your ground and maintaining your dignity. Those “hope you are well” messages are just a tactic he is using to keep you on the hook. You are probably always on his mind and he is starting to realize that you can live without him (which you CAN) and this scares the crap out of him. Let him keep reaching out to you (he will!) but don’t give him your full-on support until he reaches out in earnest … to discuss the relationship and to be honest with you. Hugs to you! 🙂
admin
September 4, 2014 at 12:05 pm
You can extend if you want.
HL
September 11, 2014 at 5:28 pm
He reached out to me again saying. … I miss you. You don’t have to reciprocate but I just wanted you to know I think about you often.
Thoughts? Advice? I feel like he’s on a teetering scale between if he made the right decision so I want to proceed with caution .
red
August 28, 2014 at 11:57 am
I was in on again, off again r/ship with ma ex-boyfriend 4 two years. one day I just couldn’t do it anymore so I break up with him. I blocked him from my phone & Facebook. (did I took if too far??) We broke up for 14 days now and I want to ask him ma stuff back plus he owes me some cash too. What should I do??? If I ask him zat means I broke the NC rule??? and if I did break the rule, what he will think of me???
admin
August 29, 2014 at 11:44 am
What makes you want him back all of a sudden?
rosey
August 26, 2014 at 10:36 pm
I have been dating a guy for 9months and we got very serious very quickly, he is my first real adult relationship( he is 26, i am 22). A few weeks back I accidentally went through my boyfriend phone and saw that he was talking to other women one woman in particular stood out and showed he was cheating on me emotionally we tried to make up from that but had another argument so I blocked him when I unblocked I got in touch and that woman was the one reply to me( in my head it seems he ran to her cos we were arguing). when i tried to get answers and couldn’t(he was ignoring my calls) i blocked him on everything, sent an email breaking up with him and implimented the NC…I had to unblock him to send a messgae asking him to not attend an event MY friend was having but he would probably be invited to. he replied saying “thanks, i’d love to come. Is that ok with you?” I don’t know whether to reply or just ignore him? its only been 10 days. pls help.
admin
August 28, 2014 at 12:11 pm
How bad was the cheating emotionally?
Rosey
September 6, 2014 at 3:19 pm
They used to date and she popped up 1 day saying she had a child for him. He swears he doesn’t want to be with her but she dislikes me and says its me or the kid. He’s trying to not have to chose. I ended up replying and we met up to have a chat, i couldn’t stop myself from bringing up all the problems we had he explained them to me and really opened up. but i didn’t know if i was ready to forgive at that point so i kept being distant he felt like i didn’t want him and was planning to just leave him so he ended things. we haven’t spoken for a few days… But i don’t want to lose him how do i get us back on track?
carissa
August 26, 2014 at 10:50 am
what if during the NC phase he contacts telling how much he regrets breaking up and has realised he wants me? Do i respond? Or continue ignoring and act like that msg meant nothing to me? Wouldnt that make him just try to move on
lilone
August 25, 2014 at 2:08 pm
I’ve been in a six month relationship with someone who was a good friend. We broke up after agreeing that we want different things … I want a serious relationship, he isn’t sure if he’s ready. He ended it two weeks ago. I agreed and we gad a lovely separation and agreed to stay friends. He called every day and I didn’t feel like we’d broken up so I put in place tge no cobract rule … which coincided with him working away.10 days in he’s text to check in that I’m k. I’m tempted to reply … because he was my friend first I guess. I have started to move on emotionally and am really shocked to hear from him … I thought he’d justvget in touch in his return … which is what I suggested … that if he wanted to be friends that he gice me a shout when he gets back … but cool if not … any advice?
admin
August 26, 2014 at 12:53 pm
Maybe he is realizing that there aren’t many women like you out there.
lilone
August 26, 2014 at 4:32 pm
Do I reply? Or leave it … in my heart of hearts I want to leave it. I don’t feel like I want contact and am not sure I would want him back if that is what he wanted. I was clear that he go and have a good time while away and that he could give me a shout on his return. I am just a little mindful of our friendship …
admin
August 28, 2014 at 11:53 am
Then leave it..
Maria
August 19, 2014 at 8:27 pm
A very basic question, but I can’t seem to find the answer here… What if the ex doesn’t contact you at ALL during the nc period..? Haven’t happened yet cause it’s only 5 days since the breakup, but somehow I’m really scared that he will not contact me….
admin
August 25, 2014 at 11:25 am
No big deal at all. You just take the reins and contact him. I know it goes against what you probably believe but sometimes you have to be willing to put in the initiative if your man is too stubborn.
hazel
August 18, 2014 at 2:12 pm
Hi chris, i started no contact straightaway as soon as he asked for distance, durin the 30 day nc..after 3 weeks i got a msg. At break up he had given me a cheque to sort out a debt..so after 2 weeks that i could deposit it
(it was back dated the cheque).he txtd telling me to deposit cheque..is it an excuse? Cos being in the situation cant see clear..i have power on him like you say here?what should i expect now.
hazel
August 18, 2014 at 1:42 pm
Hi chris, durin the 30 day nc..after 3 weeks i got a msg. At break up he had given me a cheque to sort out a debt..so after 2 weeks that i could deposit it .he txtd telling me to depisit cheque..is it an excuse? Cos being in the situation cant see clear..i have power on him like you say here?what should i expect now.
admin
August 19, 2014 at 1:55 pm
Sorry do you think you could be clearer. I am having trouble making out what you are asking?
hazel
August 19, 2014 at 4:18 pm
after break up i went into no contact and as you say here there is the mid caller..my ex gave me a cheque at break up to sort out a debt we had and after 2 weeks he sent me a text to deposit the cheque (we wer in a no contact) you think its an excuse too like my friends are saying? thanks
Cleo
August 14, 2014 at 12:18 am
Hi Chris,
First of all, thanks so much for your website. It’s given me so much insight and it inspired me to start NC.
I broke up with my boyfriend about a month ago after 6 years (he’s 26, I’m 25). I broke up with him because he emotionally cheated on me, and ignored me for days when I tried to have a calm conversation about it. He can’t handle confrontation very well. After breaking up, I haven’t contacted him once, but I kept responding every time he would contact me, which was often. He’s used to me just being there every time he feels like talking.
I started NC one week ago, after a fight. I don’t intend to break it, but I usually feel guilty for ignoring someone. What should I do when he contacts me, saying he misses me and wants to talk? Should I keep ignoring him and finish the 30-45 days? Thank you!
admin
August 14, 2014 at 12:48 pm
Yep! Finish the 30 days out.
Michelle
August 13, 2014 at 9:47 pm
I need advice. My boyfriend broke up with me 6 weeks ago, and I have not initiated the nc rule. I have some insecurity issues that led me to accusing him of not putting me first in his life. He would say that wasn’t true, but his actions didn’t confirm it. We live 30 miles apart and each have a child at home, his is every other week. We were only able to see each other 2 or 3 times a week and I wanted that time to be spent alone. He has some neighbors that he s friends with and would often accept plans with them and then tell me about it. I felt like he didn’t think I was important enough to consult before agreeing to the plans. We dated a year and 8 months and were very serious, discussed marriage. We almost broke up 3 or 4 times due to my insecurities. I would tell him that I would change. I honestly tried. I went to counseling, but I didn’t learn any skills to change my thought patterns or behavior. I then tried to change on my own. That didn’t work either. Since the break up I have been in counseling with a therapist who is helping me to identify the problems and to create skills to overcome them. Meanwhile, my ex and I have texted some and seen each other a few times, the majority of that contact initiated by me. He has also gone back to an online dating site, which is how we met. I have asked him to let me show him how I am changing, but he said that “these things take time.” I am learning to be at peace with myself and find joy and happiness in life, and I am doing it for me, not him. He told me that 95% of me was wonderful but that 5% just killed him. He said that I pushed him away. How he expects to find a woman whom he loves more than 95% of, I’m not quite sure. I am willing to try the nc period, but my question is should I date? I am afraid that will push him further away because he is very stubborn. I have absolutely no doubt that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. I have told him that, apologized, asked him to join me for counseling, etc. I also told him I would wait as long as I had to until he told me otherwise. He won’t give me a definite yes or no about a future reconciliation. I feel slightly pathetic, but to me, love is a choice based on feelings. You choose to support someone and work through the problems or you don’t. There is nothing I would not forgive him. Advice appreciated 🙂
admin
August 14, 2014 at 12:25 pm
Man that 95% comment was really mean… I think that’s an incredibly mean thing of him to say because all human beings are flawed and no one is 100% perfect…
Michelle
August 14, 2014 at 4:34 pm
I really don’t believe he meant it negatively. He was saying so much of me was good that he loved, if I could just work on my insecurities. Should I go on a dating site? I really don’t want to do anything that will further push him away.
Susanne
August 13, 2014 at 7:32 pm
I’m so confused…I’ve gotten myself into a nasty little fix in a short time. Technically, it’s not an “ex-boyfriend/exgirlfriend” situation, but the dynamic had potential and I’m afraid I blew it.
We started talking via a dating site, moved to phone quickly and by 10 days, had a date. By then we were well into negotiations about what might “happen” on said date. I’ll preface the following with the facts: I’m 43, he’s a little older. I have never slept with someone on the first date and I know he believes me about that. I seem anything but wild and we are friends on FB so he had a good insight into how calm my life is.
During our predate dialogues, I did not rush to answer texts and while I always returned phone calls, I “missed” many of his calls. I could tell he was very comfortable pursuing the woman, and I felt confident he wouldn’t mind me being a bit elusive.
Aaannddd then I slept with him on the first date. Stupid, I know, but I was certain I’d be okay if afterward I never heard from him again. He made me promise I’d text him to let him know I’d gotten home safely (I told him I would forget, I always forget to let people know I’m home okay). I purposely did not text him; I put my phone away and the next morning I had three texts and a missed call. I was stunned; I’d thought he would blow me off. He texted again first thing in the a.m.: “Are you alive? If you don’t want to see me again, I understand but was worried about you.” I immediately apologized via text and asked if I could call him. He called me immediately and we talked normally, as we did for the next few days. At some point I said I was being more careful about paying attention to my phone as I was “tired of missing his calls” and he responded, “Yeah, right—you just don’t want to talk to me sometimes.”
As you can see, he was probably uncertain of my feelings toward him. Initially I thought this was a good thing, but as the week progressed I started feeling more attached to him, and more insecure. I did NOT chase or text gnat him; I was just more available and quick to respond for texts and calls.
Then I refused to come out and see him one night (it was a spur of the moment invite that felt like a booty call, frankly. Which, you can’t blame him for: I’d made myself available on Date 1, so.) ANYWAY, the next morning I went on the dating site to check my inbox and saw he was on there. I hadn’t been on in a week and so am not sure if he’d consistently been on the site. I also don’t know if he saw me online or not, but soon after I sent him a response to his last text from the night before. Then…nothing. I let a day pass then apologized in a FB message for my mixed messages. I explained I’d expected a blowoff and had tried to not worry about what happened, and that it would have been easier to not care about what I’d done if I didn’t care what he thought of me. He sent me a text “Did you just dump me” which I found weird because we’re not technically dating, really. I sent back “Nooo! I thought you were done with me!” Which in retrospect is stupid wording.
And there it sits. I have not attempted to contact him. He hasn’t unfriended me on FB. I haven’t seen him on the dating site but that might be happenstance. I’m still going on the site because it seems stupid to stay off it on the off chance that he’ll see me, or that by hiding from other guys, he’ll magically contact me.
My question is: no contact is the only way I have even a shot at redemption, right? I feel if I contact him, it would be offputting. I know there’s an excellent chance I’ll never hear from him again anyway, so laying low seems like the only option in any case.
This is my first and last time driving in the fast lane. I think he’s a good guy and I’m totally regretting how I played this.Any insight is appreciated. If nothing else, I’ll learn where I messed up. Thanks!
admin
August 14, 2014 at 12:15 pm
Question… why did you go on the dating site to check your inbox?
Susanne
August 14, 2014 at 12:27 pm
Sorry,should have clarified:I felt it would be overall healthier for me to carry on as normal after the first date, because there had been no discussion about whether we were in a relationship. And since he was on the site when I logged in, it more or less confirmed my feeling that things were still at an informal/casual stage….?