The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,280 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Jamie

May 1, 2015 at 3:26 pm

I apologize if this double-posted, but I saw my post and now it’s gone…? Can you please help, Chris? 🙁

Hi, Chris. I would like your advice.

My boyfriend and I dated for 2 and a half years. It was rocky, admittedly, but we loved each other very much. The issues we had were distance and the fact that we both have three children as we were both married before. Our kids range in age from 4-12. So, we have had our ups and downs with driving an hour and a half to see each other and us both having kids with sports activities and such, but I would spend my free weekends with him, and he would come 1-2 nights during the week and stay the night.

Last year he broke up with me twice, 8 months apart. Both times he said he just wasn’t sure how the situation would work in a marriage. Admittedly, I had pressured him for engagement because I wanted to make sure our relationship was going to be long-term since we both have children and were both around each other’s children a lot.

The first time he broke up with me, it only lasted a little over two weeks. He kept trying to text me, saying he missed me and he wished we could be together forever, but that he just couldn’t figure out how with the complexity of our situation. We were both on a dating site during that time, and he went out on a date around the week and a half mark. I went out on a date the day before we got back together. I went into NC with him just after his date. I didn’t even know he had gone on one, but it was around the day he did that I decided I couldn’t talk to him anymore, that it was too painful. I pleaded with him not to contact me, to leave me alone. The night of my date he texted me and basically said he wanted to get back together. He had been crying all day, thinking I was on a date based on a post I made on my FB. We got back together. He was a wonderful boyfriend to me after that for 8 months. Absolutely wonderful.

The second time, I had been noticing he was distant for a week or so prior, so I basically forced him into breaking up with me because I knew it was what he wanted. He told me that he loved me but that his feelings were still the same on the situation. I found out he was talking to someone he met on a dating site again (after we broke up), and I confronted him about it, and he insisted she was just a distraction to get over the hurt. I contacted her, and she said nothing sexual or flirtatious was said and that he told her he had just gotten out of a relationship. We ended up back together before the week was over as we stayed in contact, and it evolved. But during that week, I BEGGED him to leave me alone unless he knew he wanted to get back together, that the contact was hurting/killing me.

Well, let’s just say that he started a new medication in March, and I noticed a huge change in him after that. He went distant again, wasn’t really saying he loved me unless I said it first, etc. And just seemed off. Almost three weeks ago I asked him what was up, and he called and said he just felt the same about the situation, that he didn’t see how it would work. He said “I don’t know 100% that a blended family with 6 kids would work, so I can’t make myself commit. I don’t want to experiment with 6 kids’ lives.” So, basically the same reason. He likes my kids, and I like his, but he just can’t see us all together. He’s a very technical person personally and career-wise, so I get his hesitation. His ex wife also cheated on him with a friend, and they got married. Coincidentally enough, the person she cheated with/married also has 3 kids. They’re making it work. I know we could, too. The money is there. The bedrooms are there. It’s not like we would be poor with 6 kids stuffed in 2-3 bedrooms. Everyone could have their own room as he has 7.

Anyway, so basically we broke it off over the phone. He still liked my business page on FB and still was friends with someone we do double-dates with who is really my friends. I couldn’t stand it because it was giving me a glimmer of hope that he didn’t want to close the door forever. I contacted him 3 days after phone breakup, and he said it wasn’t intentional, that he would unfriend. I asked him to meet with me in person to say goodbye. We met a few days later, so 5 days after phone breakup. We met at a mall halfway between us. He started crying before I did inside the mall. Literally sobbing, holding my hand saying he didn’t want this, that it wasn’t about me and him, that he loves me, but that he just can’t see how it would all work out, and he’s not willing to experiment, etc. He said my kids need someone now, every day, and not just once a week, and that he needs someone there for his, too, as he has them 50% of the time. It hurt me so much that he would basically admit he would choose a situation over love. He said it was a tragedy. He also said he didn’t know how he would feel in 1 month or 6, but that he knew this was the best decision for now. Something odd to me was that he told me not to go out and sleep with everyone, and I asked why, and he said “Because then I wouldn’t WANT to come back.”

We said goodbye, he gave me his hat, and we agreed not to talk again. I had a panic attack a few days later and reached out again, to let him know and reiterate the fact that I didn’t want this. He said he had a rough time too but that he knew it was the best decision for both of our families. I asked if he ever thought he would come back, and he said he didn’t know. I said if you’re so at peace and you know this is the best decision for our families, how can you NOT know that you WON’T? I said he must not KNOW it’s the right decision. His response was, “Yes, but how do you know if something is the right decision or not until time goes by?”

I asked if we could reconnect in 3 months to see how we both felt, see where we were both at. He said sure. When we reach that point, I have decided I’m not going to contact him…that I will let him wonder why I let July go by. If I haven’t heard from him by August, then maybe I’ll send a text saying I have some stuff of his and what he wants me to do with it??

I don’t know what to do. He always told me I was his best friend, that he never understood people when they said their spouse was their best friend, that he thought it was just something people said. But he said with me, he understood that. He said we have a connection that he’s never had before.

Is it possible this is a case of GIGS? He basically said without saying it that he would be looking for someone with no kids, possibly 1, so that there were no barriers in his mind about committing. I think that’s so stupid, as he will have to have children with them, and what woman in her 30s doesn’t have kids and wants to take on 3 of someone else’s?? He will still end up with the same amount of children most likely!

Is it possible this is a sudden freakout because he was contemplating engagement and then realized he couldn’t do it because he needed to see if he could find something more suitable? It has been 10 days since we texted. I am not itching to contact him, but I do wonder if he will ever reach out/contact me or change his mind? I wonder if he hasn’t contact me because it’s easy for him or if because he knows based on the last two times that he left me that it hurts me and he wants to be SURE that he wants to commit before coming back…?

I really feel like we have something special, but maybe we don’t… 🙁 Does it sound like maybe he met someone else and it gave him the courage to really break up this time?
Jamie

May 1, 2015 at 2:25 pm

Hi, Chris. I would like your advice.

My boyfriend and I dated for 2 and a half years. It was rocky, admittedly, but we loved each other very much. The issues we had were distance and the fact that we both have three children as we were both married before. Our kids range in age from 4-12. So, we have had our ups and downs with driving an hour and a half to see each other and us both having kids with sports activities and such, but I would spend my free weekends with him, and he would come 1-2 nights during the week and stay the night.

Last year he broke up with me twice, 8 months apart. Both times he said he just wasn’t sure how the situation would work in a marriage. Admittedly, I had pressured him for engagement because I wanted to make sure our relationship was going to be long-term since we both have children and were both around each other’s children a lot.

The first time he broke up with me, it only lasted a little over two weeks. He kept trying to text me, saying he missed me and he wished we could be together forever, but that he just couldn’t figure out how with the complexity of our situation. We were both on a dating site during that time, and he went out on a date around the week and a half mark. I went out on a date the day before we got back together. I went into NC with him just after his date. I didn’t even know he had gone on one, but it was around the day he did that I decided I couldn’t talk to him anymore, that it was too painful. I pleaded with him not to contact me, to leave me alone. The night of my date he texted me and basically said he wanted to get back together. He had been crying all day, thinking I was on a date based on a post I made on my FB. We got back together. He was a wonderful boyfriend to me after that for 8 months. Absolutely wonderful.

The second time, I had been noticing he was distant for a week or so prior, so I basically forced him into breaking up with me because I knew it was what he wanted. He told me that he loved me but that his feelings were still the same on the situation. I found out he was talking to someone he met on a dating site again (after we broke up), and I confronted him about it, and he insisted she was just a distraction to get over the hurt. I contacted her, and she said nothing sexual or flirtatious was said and that he told her he had just gotten out of a relationship. We ended up back together before the week was over as we stayed in contact, and it evolved. But during that week, I BEGGED him to leave me alone unless he knew he wanted to get back together, that the contact was hurting/killing me.

Well, let’s just say that he started a new medication in March, and I noticed a huge change in him after that. He went distant again, wasn’t really saying he loved me unless I said it first, etc. And just seemed off. Almost three weeks ago I asked him what was up, and he called and said he just felt the same about the situation, that he didn’t see how it would work. He said “I don’t know 100% that a blended family with 6 kids would work, so I can’t make myself commit. I don’t want to experiment with 6 kids’ lives.” So, basically the same reason. He likes my kids, and I like his, but he just can’t see us all together. He’s a very technical person personally and career-wise, so I get his hesitation. His ex wife also cheated on him with a friend, and they got married. Coincidentally enough, the person she cheated with/married also has 3 kids. They’re making it work. I know we could, too. The money is there. The bedrooms are there. It’s not like we would be poor with 6 kids stuffed in 2-3 bedrooms. Everyone could have their own room as he has 7.

Anyway, so basically we broke it off over the phone. He still liked my business page on FB and still was friends with someone we do double-dates with who is really my friends. I couldn’t stand it because it was giving me a glimmer of hope that he didn’t want to close the door forever. I contacted him 3 days after phone breakup, and he said it wasn’t intentional, that he would unfriend. I asked him to meet with me in person to say goodbye. We met a few days later, so 5 days after phone breakup. We met at a mall halfway between us. He started crying before I did inside the mall. Literally sobbing, holding my hand saying he didn’t want this, that it wasn’t about me and him, that he loves me, but that he just can’t see how it would all work out, and he’s not willing to experiment, etc. He said my kids need someone now, every day, and not just once a week, and that he needs someone there for his, too, as he has them 50% of the time. It hurt me so much that he would basically admit he would choose a situation over love. He said it was a tragedy. He also said he didn’t know how he would feel in 1 month or 6, but that he knew this was the best decision for now. Something odd to me was that he told me not to go out and sleep with everyone, and I asked why, and he said “Because then I wouldn’t WANT to come back.”

We said goodbye, he gave me his hat, and we agreed not to talk again. I had a panic attack a few days later and reached out again, to let him know and reiterate the fact that I didn’t want this. He said he had a rough time too but that he knew it was the best decision for both of our families. I asked if he ever thought he would come back, and he said he didn’t know. I said if you’re so at peace and you know this is the best decision for our families, how can you NOT know that you WON’T? I said he must not KNOW it’s the right decision. His response was, “Yes, but how do you know if something is the right decision or not until time goes by?”

I asked if we could reconnect in 3 months to see how we both felt, see where we were both at. He said sure. When we reach that point, I have decided I’m not going to contact him…that I will let him wonder why I let July go by. If I haven’t heard from him by August, then maybe I’ll send a text saying I have some stuff of his and what he wants me to do with it??

I don’t know what to do. He always told me I was his best friend, that he never understood people when they said their spouse was their best friend, that he thought it was just something people said. But he said with me, he understood that. He said we have a connection that he’s never had before.

Is it possible this is a case of GIGS? He basically said without saying it that he would be looking for someone with no kids, possibly 1, so that there were no barriers in his mind about committing. I think that’s so stupid, as he will have to have children with them, and what woman in her 30s doesn’t have kids and wants to take on 3 of someone else’s?? He will still end up with the same amount of children most likely!

Is it possible this is a sudden freakout because he was contemplating engagement and then realized he couldn’t do it because he needed to see if he could find something more suitable? It has been 10 days since we texted. I am not itching to contact him, but I do wonder if he will ever reach out/contact me or change his mind? I wonder if he hasn’t contact me because it’s easy for him or if because he knows based on the last two times that he left me that it hurts me and he wants to be SURE that he wants to commit before coming back…?

I really feel like we have something special, but maybe we don’t… 🙁 Does it sound like maybe he met someone else and it gave him the courage to really break up this time?
bec

April 30, 2015 at 9:58 pm

Hi chris,

My case is one where the guy involved never committed. He lied, cheated and didn’t treat me as i deserved. He was never my bf. But lead me to beleive it would develop then the next minute would be teling me to get a bf. In saying that yes there was a good side. I fell for him and endured a hell of a lot of pain, uncertainty and many broken hearts. Being in limbo is horrible especially if its prolonged, you set a time limit and you keep pushing it out and you set boundaries but slowly they get pushed aside and you end up accepting things noone deserves. At any rate its been on and off and we were actually starting to make progress. But i caught him out again and of course it was turned around on me. I wanted closure, he refused to communicate , blocked me etc. I have never met such an evasive person in my life. Throughout this journey I have slowly gotten to the stage where i caN let go. I realised i would never get closure. For a long time he was my drug and my behavior was crazy sometimes due to the trust being broken and not knowing where i stood. Anyway i wrote him a goodbye letter after HE broke it off , he blocked me everywhere and tild me never to contact him and so with not much choice but also knowing ending it was for the best decided to opt for no contact. However before we had broken it off he lent me money. Anyway i get to day 22 and he messages me. I don’t reply… he calls me. I dont answer . He emails my work. I replied politely and asked for his acct details and gave him dates i would be paying him back. He then said it wasn’t urgent and to take my time and to just communicate.

Lol a funny thing coming from him. My question is. Due to the fact i owed him money… did i break no contact. My responses were professional but i did pop a line in tht was sarcastic and he told me my number isnt blocked. my question is do i do the rest of the nc days. And what after that? Can i speak to him after? I know this time i can’t go back to that situation. But i also wanted things to end amicably
Pip

April 30, 2015 at 7:44 pm

Hi….I was in a relationship for over two years , we had a fantastic time together but he had to move back home……so i went into a long distance relationship with him….we spoke every hour every day for 9 months…..it was just us two……then a friend of his began poking her nose into our relationship,……he would sometimes defend her if i said i didnt like her comment or what she said to me…..she told him I was drinking far to much for a girl and she wrote me an email saying you need to curb your drinking…( i only drank a glass of wine a night even the weekends).. it went on for a while and finally i stopped contact with her and blocked her….he became worse…sometimes even nasty…calling me names and saying things like your a mess or a lair …….the first few times i forgave him but on sunday he said it again then sent me a whole 8 chapters on love being an illusion and once the illusion was gone he would be happy in his life…….I then started no contact at that point…..its only been 4 days but he hasnt sent me a message or tried to contact me…..i will see it out to 30 days ……do you think we have any chance of rekindling this…..or is it gone forever…….does he think about me ….its so hard to do no contact ….every few minutes i think i will say this or that but i dont …..i find a distraction……..im so heartbroken ……i just want a sign he is there somewhere ………but so far i got nothing ……only silence………… i hope you can help me …….im drowning in hurt at the moment
thank you pip
Lilly

April 28, 2015 at 7:01 pm

Hi Chris! I’ve got a question for you. My boyfriend and I dated for about 6 months. We had a healthy relationship with open and honest communication (at least I think haha). We did a good amount of long distance during this time. I was moving to another country (where I met him) and its been taking a few months to really get my life over there from America (moving with a business is not a one day process). He doesn’t think moving there is a good idea for my business, but its really not up to him. Anyways, last time I was there for 2 months and we lived together – I felt that he was very stressed, nervous and insecure. He wanted to sign a lease together, but I felt like it was a bit too much for both of us to handle for the moment being and that I should get settled in my ‘new country’ for a bit without him feeling pressured or stressed. I came back from America, he wrote me a beautiful love letter expressing his love and commitment to me, told me he bought a plane ticket to visit me in America – went missing for 3 days – and then 5 days later he broke up with me saying ‘it was all too much’. I implemented NC immediately right after and 6 days later he wrote me a super nonchalant email asking me how I was? and how he is thinking about me, said something good about his job and how he would love to ‘hear from me more often’ — weird… because YOU BROKE UP WITH ME 6 DAYS AGO YOU SILLY GOOSE. Anyways, I replied 2 days later with a short response of “Happy to hear you are doing well. I’m doing fine. Have a great day!” No questions, short but I’m not one to completely ignore people — it doesn’t seem respectful after our connection. Whats up with him? Is he just playing games and I should still do 30 days no contact? Or do you think he is feeling regrets and wants to try to make it up for acting irrationally? Your help is appreciated!
Stephanie

April 28, 2015 at 1:43 am

Chris, is it bad or going to mess up any future chance if I’m in NC and my ex sees my online dating profile? We are both on the same dating site. Or should I completely disappear off the planet?
Jo

April 26, 2015 at 5:55 pm

I’ve date my ex for two years and about five days ago he broke up with me. I was very depressed most of the year and then my mom died a month ago. I was being negative and fighting over stupid things and he broke up with me saying it was one sided. And how we have different goals for ourlives…..do u think I can still get him back? I know what I’ve done wrong and it kills me everyday for him to not want me because of my actions. Please let me know if I can try and get him back…I love him so much
Priscilla

April 24, 2015 at 12:45 am

Chris, a guy friend explored a type that I think is different from any of these maybe you can give some insight. What about an ex that doesn’t contact at all because they’re still trying to figure out what they want, seeing what single life is like? Are there ever men that don’t want to speak to us yet because they haven’t decided OR don’t want to hurt you because they already made their decision to walk away and hope that the silence will just freeze us out and make us give up? My mistake is the last thing I said was “take your time and space you know where to find me” which lets him think I’m waiting, pining, and giving him the upper hand. I don’t want him to think that- it’s already been 20 days.

Rosa

May 6, 2015 at 4:09 pm

Hi Priscilla,

I’m in your same boat, 17 days he has not contacted me. I thought I had him back and I asked him if we were headed towards that path and he tells me I am being “too intense” and it scared him. He said we should talk about it and then I never heard from him again. I find out this week he has a new girlfriend.

What happened with you? Have you heard from him yet?

Rosa
Chris Seiter

April 24, 2015 at 10:49 pm

Its not the worst mistake in the world though, trust me.

Cassandra

April 22, 2015 at 3:19 pm

I need a little additional advice Chris! I already commented on another post and am waiting on that reply (I only sent it in like 12 hours ago so no worries there!) but after extensively reading your website I have some new concerns.

My ex and I promised each other that we would never, under any circumstances, ignore each other. Now I understand that the NC rule is crucial, but I feel as though I am betraying our basic foundation if I ignore him entirely. The break-up was my fault, for being overbearing, controlling, and jealous. I realize the error of my ways but before I had time to correct them he said he needed time to be himself and to feel like he was in control of his own life. Now obviously I have some personal work to do before we consider actually getting back into the relationship so that I don’t mess this up again, but I’m pretty wary of the no contact rule (as I’m sure many women are despite your proof about it).

When we broke up he immediately said that things certainly could work out between us, and that after some space he’d like to try. He said that contact would probably be minimal for a few weeks but he still wanted to talk and in a few week’s time he’d like to take me on a date and we can start from the bottom up. Now personally I love the idea that he still wants to try. I screwed up, and I know that, but the reassurance that he isn’t going to entirely walk away from me makes me feel a lot better.

He’s a very emotionally sensitive guy, and I know that by not answering his texts and ignoring me that I am going to make him feel upset, confused, and likely angry. I know your answer will probably be to do the NC anyways, but I’m feeling unsure about it and want advice because I feel like I have a unique case where he already wants to try to fix this, and where we have that promise to each other.

I certainly have no intentions of contacting him first. As hard as it is I have deleted our conversations so I can’t re-read them, I’ve logged out of everything that he had signed in on my devices, I’m ignoring the hand twitch with wanting to check his Facebook and such… but I don’t know what to do if he contacts me. I mean if it’s a simple “Hi” then I just won’t say anything, but what if it’s more, and what if he gets upset and feels betrayed because I’m breaking our promise? I don’t even know when he’ll contact me, but I can pretty much guarantee that it won’t take too long because I know what he’s like. I’m just so confused about the fact that we already want to work on it and don’t want to ruin that chance.

PS. What do I do about Facebook? I am pretty sure he won’t take our In a Relationship status off, and I feel really awkward about doing it. Should I just let that piece lie and ignore it entirely, or does it need to go asap? We broke up last night.

Mabel

May 11, 2015 at 2:06 am

I can´t believe it but I can totally relate! Same here! We were best friends before being lovers for 3 years (we were 14 years old) and started our realationship at the age of 17, and we lived the greatest days together until now, we broke up 2 weeks ago and I followed the NC rule for a week, but I’m afraid because he is a very sensitive guy and I hope he doesn’t get mad at me after ignoring him (We are 22 now). He says he feels exhausted but he loves but maybe it’s time to let go. I love him so much and I don’t want to move on yet.
Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:31 am

If I was you I would just take it off.

Jem

April 22, 2015 at 11:23 am

Hi Chris,

So my ex and I started this whole breakup process a month ago (he was going back and forth between trying again and not). Last week he implied that he missed me and asked if it would be okay to message me everyday like before. I said yes, thinking i’d be okay. I decided to implement NC after talking with him like normal for a whole day because I realized I was painfully missing him as a boyfriend. He emailed and texted the day after I started, I didn’t respond. Four days later he texted again and I still didn’t respond. Last night I realized he has deactivated his facebook and removed me from skype…. I’m kind of freaking out. Is this a more extreme form of frantic caller turned ignorer? We were long distance when we broke up, but he’s moving back in a month so I was hoping to reconnect when he came back but i’m afraid he won’t want to.

Chris Seiter

April 23, 2015 at 12:30 am

I think if you build enough attraction after NC he will.

Rachel

April 21, 2015 at 12:35 pm

What is the most successful way I can get in touch with you, Chris? I’m under a serious time constraint- he’s freaking out after one day of no contact and we graduate college and leave each other for a while after than in three weeks. We dated for 1.5 years very happily until he stopped trying at the end and we mutually split because I was tired of bending over backwards for someone who didn’t meet me halfway.

Chris Seiter

April 21, 2015 at 6:00 pm

This is probably it!

Commenting on the site.

Lisa

April 17, 2015 at 10:09 am

My ex and I had an argument about something stupid. We never argued, now after 7 years he wants nothing to do with me.
I tried for 2 weeks to do anything to sort things and he just refused. I’ve implemented no contact but my biggest fear is he’ll be happy with it.
robyn

April 15, 2015 at 10:36 pm

Is there a email I can message for advice?

Chris Seiter

April 16, 2015 at 3:34 pm

Unfortunately no.

I am no longer offering the email service.

Kate

April 15, 2015 at 7:56 pm

Hi Chris, I am 17 and I was in a relationship for 1 year and then I broke up with him a month after, (last October) because I thought I could do better. He begged for me back but I said no. Then we were friends. But then I realized how much I love him and don’t want anyone else, so I told him that. When we were hanging out he promised we would get back together but out of no where last week he said he wanted to stop talking. Please help me I have fell into a deep depression and its killing me.
AMY

April 13, 2015 at 6:40 pm

I am 4 days into my NC with my ex. I cheated on him (no intercourse, but I did kiss, touch, etc..so I cheated) so he is between the “Angry” guy and the “Stubborn” guy, as he has contacted me since the break-up and before the NC . This is hard to do, however, I am determined to get him back so I will stick to this NC rule. I absolutely love this site. I am afraid though that if he contacts me and I DONT answer that he will lose interest, however, I BELIEVE in your words and with this NC, I cant wait to see what happens. Id LOVE to read more about being the UG girl…..is there a way to search on your site?

Connie

April 18, 2015 at 10:00 pm

Hey Amy
I’m 3 days into the NC and I’d love to hear from you since you’re 4 days into it. Well my ex boyfriend broke up with me saying I’m bossy just because I asked him not to talk about the past until I’m over it. So yeah I’m not contacting him in anyway. Let me know how we can keep in contact.

Sorry Chris I’m new to this and might do with some support from other women.

jessica

April 12, 2015 at 8:24 pm

Ok so I think my boyfriend is in the stubborn section who seems to be playing the victim. Tad annoying but I’m obviously the grown up in this, how do we turn these guys into the ones who contact. There were trust issues in our relationship, never cheating but he always pushed the boundaries. I have enjoyed and hated the NC period.But i am coming close to finishing NC and he still hasn’t messaged. What would you say would be the next step Chris ?

jessica

April 19, 2015 at 7:37 pm

Any advice Chris?
jessica

April 12, 2015 at 8:25 pm

Ex ! Ex boyfriend * ha

Penny

April 10, 2015 at 5:06 am

I’m 3 weeks into NC and although my ex did contact me around day 10, wanting to know how I was doing. I still didn’t respond. My question is more a curiosity. . Since he sent that one text on day 10, and I did not respond. . he hasn’t sent any other inquiries/texts.. Am I back in a NC duel again since I didn’t answer him? My ex has a bit of the Peter Pan complex. Seems very fearful of any kind of commitment. He dumped me before and then chased me to get me back. Once he had me back. . he seemed not to care as much about keeping us together, and didn’t want to have titles ( boyfriend/girlfriend). Then he just started to be in less and less contact until I was kind of left to figure it out I guess. So at that point, I went NC. The thing is.. I’ve been told by a friend of his (without my asking) that he may not be completely over an ex before me who dumped him. So that leaves me really hurt and confused. I guess at this point I’m trying to understand him. And why, after pushing me away again.. Did he try to contact me during my NC period. And now we both are in a NC. So confused. Maybe you can do a piece on the Peter Pan complex and dealing with exes who seem to have it. Lol
V

April 7, 2015 at 1:05 pm

Hi Chris, my boyfriend and I were together for over 5 years. We’ve both just turned 21 and around 3 months ago he started suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and also depression, which he then started taking medication for. Up until this point we were happy in our relationship and had basically grown up together. Everything was fine until his mother (who i was very close to) suddenly decided to blame his illness on me, she told me to my face that I’m an abusive girlfriend and manipulative and i made him feel trapped. My boyfriend told me he didn’t believe any of this. She cut me out of everything and for three months i endured her constant phone calls to him asking who he was with and rude remarks about me. I wasn’t allowed in their house or to his 21st birthday party. She basically told him that she didn’t want us to be together anymore and that he needed to make a choice between his family or me.She also managed to convince him that this is my fault and he told me that i “gave him an anxiety disorder”. This obviously put strain on us and i couldn’t cope anymore, so i left him, but he convinced me not to telling me that he loved me and wanted to work things out, so i said ok. However, the next day he changed his mind, became blunt and told me we need to break up because he’s been “unhappy” for a long time and that he can’t have a happy family life with me in the picture so he ended things with me after 5 whole years. During the 5 years i haven’t told my parents about this relationship due to cultural differences, but i was always going to pick him over my family. I feel hurt that he decided to make this decision and didn’t try hard enough to convince his mother that this wasn’t my fault or that he loves me. I am now 6 days into no contact (and he has already tried to guess my Facebook password to see what I’m up to ). i don’t know if i should hope that we can get back together, people are telling me he’s weak and a coward for not sticking up for us or trying hard enough to make things work, but i love him and i know that he still loves me too. I also feel as though he is the clueless type and won’t even realise that i haven’t spoken to him. What should i do? thanks !

V

April 7, 2015 at 1:20 pm

Also the last time we spoke, when he broke up with me, he was harsh and said that i need to leave him alone and start getting over it and that he needs this to be over because its stressful for him. Im wondering if no contact is just going to give him (and his mum) what he wants. Do you think this whole issue can be resolved?

Maddy

April 6, 2015 at 1:12 am

My boyfriend and I broke up not too long ago. After a two years of dating, I received a job prospect to teach abroad for a year so we started doing long distance. Initially everywhere was fine, great in fact. But with four more months remaining in my contract we decided to end the relationship. I’ve always looked forward to our future, believing that we will end up together because I didn’t want to believe otherwise. A romantic maybe? My ex was much more logical and more practical. He thinks that even though he loves me now, he’s had failed relationships in the past, and how does he know there’s not better, more suitable people out there for us. One day we were talking on the phone, and we realized that our dreams didn’t line up anymore. I told him that there’s a chance where I may move away for a year or two to go somewhere else, and if I did would he come with me ? He, being the honest and caring person that he is, said he wouldn’t. He explained that he doesn’t ever want to leave his city because he has priorities here, and will never let our relationship affect the goals and aspirations that he has. He says he doesn’t want to tell me that things might be okay and we can work it out together because he is scared of disappointing me by giving me false hope. He said while I would follow him to the ends of the earth, he wouldn’t. Realizing this imbalance, we came to an agreement that maybe we wouldn’t be suitable and it’s better to end things now than to find out later down the road that we can’t be together. Right now we are having no contact with each other. We’ve never stopped loving each other, and I don’t know how long it will take because the wound heals. I don’t know if I want to get back together with him.. In fact I don’t know if he would ever want to be with me ever again. I just wanted him to want to be with me and be brave for us.. but I feel like maybe I sabotaged our relationship and pushed him away and asked too much from him. All my stuff is still in his apartment and I have to retrieve it / see him again in four months time. I’m terrified to know what is going to happen.. I feel like I’ve made a mistake, but I can’t face that fact that I’m not in his plan..
Hannah

April 5, 2015 at 1:17 pm

My ex broke up with me because he wasn’t ready for commitment (we’d been together two years), he felt he was too young and we had some issues which are fairly reconcilable. He also wanted to sleep with other girls and enjoy party life whilst he was young, he had only slept with me and I did understand that, we spoke about it months before we broke up. He actually left a couple days into a break, in which I was excited to see him again and get the spark back so that really hurt.

He became very nasty after the break up though- rubbing things in my face, insulting me, sleeping with girls (he lost his virginity to me) etc. He eventually apologised after I sent him a long text about wanting to be on good terms and not to be like this. He also arranged for us to meet up like a month or so after the break up. We’d spoken/argued throughout that time. Around this time, he would text me first quite often so doing NC at this time probably would’ve been best but I didn’t even think of it at the time and missed my chance to take full advantage!

We met up and we were fine, we spoke and he hugged me tightly for ages and text me immediately after I left saying it was nice seeing me. He even said I smelt nice and it was enjoyed hugging me (this was literally about 2 weeks ago). If I brought up things about the relationship, he would get quite upset and told me not to remind him. He said he knew he wasn’t good, that he’s probably the worst ex now etc. I would say things like “this would’ve been our third summer” and he would sadly say, “don’t remind me” so he obviously cared but he’s been ignoring those things and his feelings for a while. I felt happy that we were on better terms again but it went down hill.

He seemed to be getting through the break up with ease whilst I was still upset, angry and heart broken which resulted in me going psycho bitch again on him. Constantly arguing and bringing up the relationship, I completely changed.

He calmed down, he stopped being nasty and wanted friendship but I kept fucking it up with my behaviour. He eventually said he couldn’t be friends with me anymore because I kept bringing up the relationship, he said he’d never be able to talk to me like a friend and has ignored me since (about a week ago). I sent him a long closure message, reminding him of everything I did for him and this is how he repaid me etc. I said I wanted friendship, that I wouldn’t bring up the relationship again. A couple days later on April fools, I told him I was going to prank him, that I planned last year but I couldn’t now, in a friendly way but he ignored it. I hoped that would peak his interest but nothing. I sent him a link to a car that was for sale that he’d like and he saw it the next day but ignored it. I was trying to show him that I could be decent to talk to. I text him “I’m sorry. I won’t talk to you again” and now I’m planning on not talking to him for a month, I think I can manage it though I really wish he’d contact me or at least listen to me. I plan to ignore any messages or at least delay my responses if he does send me a message but I feel ignoring his messages will put him off me or after the month, he’ll be happy to not talk to me any more. Would that happen? Do you think blocking him on everything will make him want to contact me more seeing as he can’t check on me? Do you think he’ll even get in contact?

Since the break up and before ignoring me, he’s said that he loves and misses me still, that we might be able to try again in the future and we’ll see if fate brings us together and when I text him “happy anniversary” on our would’ve been two year anniversary, he said it back. He hasn’t posted any clubbing pictures and he seems to have stopped adding girls. A couple weeks ago, he said he had a lazy week of doing nothing and seemed really low (he’s usually very busy) so I presume he spent that week thinking about me. A few weeks ago, he told me that he read my love letter. He didn’t even text me happy birthday yesterday which really hurt. I thought he respected me more than that.

He wants to be single and I respect that but I want to at least be on good terms with him so we can hang out comfortably and possibly reignite that spark again but now I worry that I’ve blown my chances. I know he still respects me and he always said he never wanted to hurt me etc. He doesn’t really have anything to be angry about against me, I haven’t done anything bad to him ever, I just went mad with heart break and I assume he can see that.

He said I was the one, that I was his soul mate, that he’d never felt so strongly about a girl since me, he always spoke about moving out with me and he lost his virginity to me so I don’t imagine I’d be a hard girl to forget/ignore. I felt just as strongly for him and our relationship was something out of a romantic movie, he soon became my best friend. I’ve never felt so in love with an ex before, I’ve never felt like a break up was such a terrible decision. I feel like I can’t possibly find someone who made me as happy as he did. I still feel we’re soul mates so it’s difficult being ignored by him or feeling like there is no chance for us now. I wish I could read his mind!

I would greatly appreciate a response and some advice on this situation.

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