The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

Phoenix

July 29, 2015 at 7:26 pm

Hello,
I have been in a relationship with my ex for 3 years. We dated once, we were immature and broke up and ignored each other – he wasn’t nice and I wasn’t nice. Around 6 months later he wanted me back (we initially only dated for 7 months). From than on we dated for 3 years. We were each others first for everything… We lost our virginity to each other and everything. Like most couples we would fight over stupid things but never break up. I became ill with Dysautonamia, a malfunction in my central nervous system making me feel sick, dizzy, nauseous and more. He was with me throughout all of this. He came with me when I had my first CAT scan and everything. Even though it was hard to go out I hung out at his house with him and ended up going out with him again. Around a year later my parents got a divorce (this year) it was ugly. My father set up video cameras to spy on my mother and hacked into all of her accounts — and more but it’s too long to explain. My father kicked me out and I stayed with Skylar. My mother and I were in an unsafe environment and decided that it is best if we stay with my grandparents. Before I moved I was only 8 miles away, now I am 70 miles away (1.30hr drive). I would have my mother drive me up to see him (since I’m ill) and his parents were unwilling to help drive me back. They only helped two times. When we say each other it was amazing. I sleep over and spent 2 days or so with him and his family. — his mother loves me and wants me to have her grand kids. Arranging the time to meet was hard because he was working and had a lot of hours. A couple days ago when planning on who is going to drive which way we began to fight and he broke up with me. He said this is all too much for him to handle. He still calls me at night to see how I am. He wants to still be best friends, he said the relationship is gone but not our friendship. I spent three years with him and we’ve gone through everything together. He told me that I will always be in the back of his head and that he will always have feelings for me because I was his first love. He told me to go and date other people and to stop being so miserable. I haven’t stopped crying and can’t stop thinking about him 24/7. I just break down. When we talk on the phone it’s like old times we have such great chemistry we can talk on the phone for hours at a time. It just hurts that I’ve been friend zoned so fast. He made it clear that he doesn’t want to see me in person yet — he refuses to see me. I miss him. I still love him. He told me to call him at 10pm every night so we can catch up and hear about my doctor appointments and everything. Like an idiot I begged him to not leave me and got into a dark space where I even said that I don’t want to be here anymore and that this is too hard for me. He always replays saying “it’s going to be hard” and “our a strong girl” and it will take time. I’m scared that if I do the NC rule he will find someone else and completely for get about me. Or it will make it easier for him to move on. I’m still friends with his mom and she still calls me “lil princess” and is nice to me. He still calls me “pheef” a nickname since my name is Phoenix when we text. I just don’t know what to do if feel like it’s set in stone that he’s done. Please help me!

Anna

July 29, 2015 at 5:18 am

I had been seeing a guy for a couple of months, he fell in love with me very quickly and there was a lot of adoration from him (he said he’s never felt this kind of love before, we would talk on the phone every night for 5-6 hours when we’re apart) and we were into the “I Love You’s” for the last 2-3 weeks (he said it first).

We had a wonderful weekend together recently but then he had to go back to his city (a 3 hour drive away). We always knew the distance would be a factor and we both thought it would be great as I would drive down to see him on weekends etc.

But then after our recent weekend he said that he wanted to back peddle a bit as things got very real very fast and he’s a little scared and he thinks that maintaining a long distance relationship is really really hard and we probably won’t work out. He said he has meant everything he ever said to me and he feels so disgusted that he’s breaking his promises to me and he’s hurting so much. He would text me back after I would text him about it but he would just keep apologising for hurting me.

It’s been 4 days since I have contacted him and want to know how much longer should I go before I do a casual “hey, remember that thing I ordered for us, it’s here now” or his birthday is coming up in 7 weeks, should I wait until then and text him happy birthday? I’m scared he will see my no contact as me completely forgetting about him and that I have moved on.

There was no bad aftertaste, just his fear of getting serious in a long distance relationship (which we aren’t THAT far from each other and I always promised I would go visit him, he didn’t have to always drive to me). Is he genuinely scared of getting more in love and serious and is seeing this imaginary inevitable breakup that he feels he needs to avoid or should I just give up and never contact him again?

elle

July 24, 2015 at 2:43 pm

Hi! I just have a general question. My ex and I have basically been on and off for the past 9 months out of our 3 year relationship. I have attempted NC 4 times and it only lasted about 2 weeks because he was the frantic caller and I felt so guilty for ignoring him. My fault, I know, but I feel bad easily. Anyways, I’m actually going through with NC now for a couple reasons. My ex has yet to commit and he gets away with murder. He thinks I’ll never leave. He made that statement to me before. When we are talking, we call ourselves friends, but with the “I love yous”, hugs, kisses, and intamacy. The last time I let him back into my life, he was going through a rough time and he really wanted me there. Me being the person I am, came back. He confessed to me that he still wants a future with me (throughout the breakup he sticks to this), he finally admitted he regrets breaking up with me, and that I’m on his mind everyday. He just doesn’t want a relationship right now, and honestly, neither do I. He has gotten himself into a bad crowd of people that seem to be more important than myself. The last time we saw each other (almost 2 weeks ago) I ended up catching him in a lie and he admitted to me that his “friends” don’t think that he likes me. So I was basically on the DL and I don’t deserve that at all. He wanted to talk later, which turned into him being rude and immature about the situation. He requested that we both should move on right now and get back together in the future. He said he would contact me a couple days after that situation so we can talk, and he never did. 3 days ago he sent me a link to something, I couldn’t see it and I didn’t respond. The day after he contacted me explaining he was in urgent care and asked for medication and that he didn’t know if I hated him or not. I know that was a ploy to see me. I didn’t respond. I didn’t hear from him yesterday. I left a pretty good aftertaste I think, plus he is already contacting me as if nothing happened. He thinks that no matter what he does, I’ll never leave and when he is ready to have me, I’ll be there. Which is my fault because I gave in so many times. This time is different though. I deserve respect and to be valued. I’m not sure if I want to get back together at this point. I miss the old him. The one I fell in love with. I feel he needs time to miss me and that we both really need to focus on ourselves and asses the situation. I know he loves me, but why work for something he “already has”, right? My question is, do you think I am thinking in the right manner? Do you think this will make a good impact, and is it bad that I haven’t explained why I’m not talking to him (even though it is self explanatory) and just went into full force ignoring him? Thank you 🙂

Piya

July 21, 2015 at 4:03 am

Hey,

I will give you little background here.

I was only 22 and he was quite some years older to me. I was confused and naive and unsure when he came on to me too strongly. Although I liked him a lot, he proposed for marriage and I wasn’t ready. But instead of asking him to wait for me, which he would have, I freaked out as I was still only studying back then and I convinced him why we won’t work. And he bought every word I said and now after I went back and forth for two years of confusing him, he finally took a stand and he started seeing someone else. I have no idea how serious they are. Only after I lost him, I realized I had actually loved him all along and wanted to end up with him except I did want to get so serious at 22 as I had felt i wanted more time before I settled down. So after he just started seeing that girl I went begging back him to him but he said he is over me and he likes her and he is very stubborn that he likes me cares for me but only as a friend as he is tired of me being confused. he says “I can’t get back to you as one, I am with someone else, two,just because you are crying or pleading I won’t dance to your tunes. But he is an amazing guy and I want him back. But he is so stubborn. So stubborn. I started my no contact rule yesterday. But I unfortunately told him I can’t be just friends and I needed some time off. As of yesterday we stopped talking. What should I do now?

AvenueI

July 20, 2015 at 3:27 pm

My ex is my best friend of 20 years. We just had a brief 4 month courtship, but she is still not over the end of her marriage a little over a year ago. I am not even sure that I can call her my ex as opposed to my best friend. We are in our 40s and this was the greatest relationship either of us have ever had. She couldn’t continue as it was pretty evident that she wasn’t over her ex husband the loss of her marriage and the guilt was consuming her and affecting our relationship. She decided to end it because it wasn’t fair to either of us. We still talk as we would talk all day even when we were married to other people, when we were single, and during our courtship. How do you do NC with your best friend? What chances do you think does one have of a reconciliation when there was nothing wrong with our relationship, in fact it was the best one we’ve ever had?

Sarah

July 18, 2015 at 3:56 pm

Hi,
My ex broke up with me almost two weeks ago and it came as a complete shock to me. We were long distance and finally about to see each other again and had even been planning a visit the day before he broke up with me. Our relationship was always wonderful, despite the distance – he even flew across the world to visit me in Australia about a month and a half ago and it was an amazing visit. That’s the last time I’ve seen him in person. Now I’m back in the states and he’s only a 2 hour drive away but this is when he breaks up with me after surviving an entire semester abroad. He had always been incredibly kind, caring and good to me and then suddenly told me he doesn’t love me anymore and that he doesn’t see a future and hasn’t said a word to me since. I haven’t contacted him at all since we broke up and yesterday I got a facetime call from him that ended after ringing for a little bit..was that just an accidental call? He never texted to say that it was and I didn’t text him to ask about it but it seems odd that he would accidentally call me and then not say anything. Maybe I’m just grasping at straws here but is he starting to miss me? He was my best friend and I really miss talking to him.

Loren

July 17, 2015 at 10:51 pm

My ex told me that his emotions shut off. He acts like he doesn’t care about losing me at all which is strange because he says I was the best, sweetest girl he’s ever been with. Do you think it’s possible that someone who loved you just yesterday can shut everything off or is he bluffing? How can I get him to feel for me again?

Marie

July 15, 2015 at 4:28 pm

This question isn’t about an ex, but about a guy I’m seeing who I think is starting to lose interest in me. I don’t get those cute good morning texts much anymore, and he texts me less and I don’t come over as much. However, when we do hang out, we do have fun together. I want to know how to get him hooked because I like him and want to see how this will go. How do I reinterest him? And are there any psychological tricks I can use to get him talking to me more?

I mean...

July 15, 2015 at 4:00 am

So I am in the closing end of NC. My ex liked a picture of mine on fb but has not called or texted or commented. This coming Monday will be 30 exact days. Is he liked that one picture once, should I consider that a small victory with a stubborn ex bf? We broke up bc he just couldn’t communicate and he knew this was his downfall. He’s been playing victim in sure and “I’m the bad guy”

Marie

July 12, 2015 at 8:59 pm

What if we had said to not keep in touch for a while, but also decided to stay friends? He contacted me after only a few days, almost a week ago. Should I still wait 2 more weeks? Or should I reply since we are “friends”? What if he doesnt respond ? :/

Nina

July 12, 2015 at 3:36 pm

Hi, I need help big time. My boyfriend and I broke up but he tells me how he can’t talk to me because he n3ed to get over me and how he still loves me, but this past week since we broke up I’ve been terrible. I’ve been calling, texting, social media, and I even showed up at his house drunk. I am never like this but this guy means a lot to me. And now he keeps posting pictures of this girl to make me jealous. How do I stick with the no contact rule if all I want to do is talk to him? Will the no contact rule even work after I bugged him for a week?

Annabelle

July 9, 2015 at 5:30 pm

My boyfriend has recently broke up with me because he lost interest in me. But he tells me that he feels really bad for me, and that he still cares about me. For some days, he starts to ignore my message. What can i do to get him back?

Elenora

July 9, 2015 at 1:04 am

What if, after 8 or so days of NC, he’s waiting at my front door when I get home from work?

Ann

July 1, 2015 at 7:59 pm

What happens if your best friends and work in the same room… I can’t do the no contact rule. I sadly broke up with him and broke his heart 2 years ago and we ended up staying friends and now he’s finally dating and I’m broken … Really need advise on the no contact rule

Marian

June 23, 2015 at 5:54 am

Hi. My boyfriend just broke up with me just yesterday. After asking for space he finally decided that our relationship would not work anymore because he is so tired of all the fights and me always doubting(because I always caught him lying). He also said that the major reason he made this decision is because his love for me stopped growing (we were together for 6 months then) when he found out about a before us becoming official, (we were dating) I had a one night stand with a mutual friend 🙁 but after some time we still became really happy and more in love. plus the fact that he is going through a very tough family problem right now. But our breakup was not drastic. We talked and we thanked each other for all the love and memories. But what kept me wondering is the fact that he said things that gotten my hopes up that we can eventually get back together. He said things like we should become our better selves so that when we get back together we would happy, he also said that he would not find anyone like me and he kept saying that he loves me very much, when in the first place he already said that all his love started to fade. It was also the only time I saw him cry so hard. I think that he still loves so much but the family problem with the frequent fights just got him very tired of the relationship but he still wants to be with in the future. Please help me understand.

Daniel

June 22, 2015 at 11:10 am

Does this still work if you told your ex it’s best not to contact each other for a while and that you’d contact him when you feel better?

Emily

June 20, 2015 at 10:51 pm

My ex and I haven’t talked in like three months. We had a blow up breakup and he told me he never wanted to hear from me again but didn’t block my number or delete me off social media. I noticed today he finally deleted me off snapchat. Is that a bad sign that he is probably still very mad at me. I was thinking about trying to talk to him soon but now it seems really hopeless if he’s now cutting off any form of contact.

Isabella

June 19, 2015 at 4:41 pm

Hi
Chris,

I need some advice about whether or not to try and rekindle a relationship with my ex. He and I met at a party in last May and we talked until we began dating in June. We had a catch though, we lived 4,000 miles away from each other.
He was a really good boyfriend always there for me when I needed him. We talked every night ( FaceTime) and whenever we had a chance would get together when we were closer to each other. During this time I had the opportunity to move to the same city as he and even without him it was the best opportunity for me.
However 10 months into our relationship we began fighting and it had to do with the distance between us. Because we were long distance our relationship took place over the phone. He didn’t like feeling attached to his phone all the time and I began to feel like he would choose hanging out with friends rather than talking to me ( we did every night). This fight led him to end the relationship with the understanding that when I moved we would talk and try again ( in 4 months).
After he entered things he was very attentive. Always texting and calling me everyday to make sure I was doing well and that we had a very good chance in August. This lasted for about 3 weeks until he got very passive aggressive starting he felt like he was too attached to his phone again and that the ending of our relationship was my fault. We fought about this for 2 weeks resulting in him saying I still love you a lot but I’m not in love with you. I was very hurt my this and decided not to start a conversation with him again until I moved. However the next day he was again ver attentive making sure I was doing well and that he still wanted to see me when i moved.
Then 7 weeks before I am scheduled to move he texts and says we really need to talk. When we talk he tells me her has been talking to a former crush who strongly rejected his advances. And he didn’t feel right keeping this from me because he had started developing feelings towards her again. However, he still has very strong feelings for me and he has no idea if she returns his feelings or not. I was again hurt and felt it wasn’t fair for him to have feelings for 2 people. I told him he needed to decide if he wanted to pursuit things with her or with me and he couldn’t give me an answer. He thought it want fair or me to make him decide between her now or me in 7 weeks. We were very angry with each other but ended up having a very nice and civil conversation about our actions and also about some things we need to work on and how we are going to improve so our relationship will be successful if it happens in the future.
After this conversation I started no contact. I am now 3 days in and we haven’t spoken. However he checks my social media very often ( this is unusual). I guess I’m wondering if I have a good chance with him once I move. And if it is worth my time to give us a chance in a few weeks. We had a very good relationship except for our main problem an were very compatible together. I would really like for us to have a real relationship or at least give one a try. Am I hoping for to much? Would he rather be with his crush or with me? And if she reciprocates feelings will he most likely go with her? I am confused on whether I should still hope to be with this man or is it in my best interests to move on. And if there is a good chance for me how should I Handle the situation and get him back and over this other girl.

Thanks
Isabella

Anne

June 17, 2015 at 7:44 pm

Hi Chris ,my boyfriend broke up with me over a week ago ,he said he needed a break and that he wants to be single for a while as we are both still young(18),I think he mite be completely overwhelmed at the moment and I think the pressures of being in our final year of school are mounting. However we have gone out for over 2 years and our relationship has been quite strong and we have fun together and experience a strong connection .He still says he loves and cares for me and he is still physically attracted to me as well.I implemented the no contact rule two days ago and today he phoned and texted like crazy until I gave in and answered ,we had a decent conversation and I feel okay to carry on with a no contact period however he does not know this , we have agreed to still attend prom together which is exactly a months time and I will see him in two weeks at a festival ,I have no idea what strategy I should implement ,please help.

Anne

Guamgirl671

June 16, 2015 at 3:39 pm

Well I chased my ex for like the first two weeks, sort of, and then for two weeks I didn’t contact him until I texted him to say sorry for everything and that I was coming up later ro get my stuff. I got to his place and got my stuff but he was sort of trying to play it cool and was sort of in my space. Then he asked me why I was really there and I just said bye and got in my car and he stood outside and watched me drive off. My question is, he was pissed becuase all he wanted was his space, so instead of missing me or whatever, wouldn’t he just be relieved I’m finally gone? We were together for 9 months

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