The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

4,271 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”

Channey Chan

May 15, 2020 at 9:10 am

Hi! So, if your ex caves in and all these steps follow of the no contact rule and you basically win. What will it resolve now later in your relationships, sounds like an odd question, but will it change his behaviors? Or will taking him back go back to the same cycle of why we broke up before?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 15, 2020 at 5:16 pm

Hi Channey, that’s a great question. So, when we state to have an ACTIVE No Contact rule it means that you take action to work on yourself, in that time your ex is going to see you blossoming into this Ungettable person and realise that you were great. If they want to get back together straight from NC (It happens sometimes, but a lot of client have to work on rebuilding connection and rapport. Which is the texting phase) Then you would agree to get back together, but slowly so that you do not fall back into old habits, and work to have a better stronger relationship this time around

hopeful heart

May 10, 2020 at 6:10 pm

I broke up with my ex 3 months ago going on 4 this month. It was a real messy break up. Though hes never been nasty, we aren’t on speaking terms and haven’t spoken since. Would he be considering the NC rule himself itll be close to 90 days…I’ve reached out then got the hint and backed off. Only to be ignored. he’s never responded to my texts for voice mails only just simply carried on. He also has done the FULL block out as you put it. Respecting his decision is good. Though its hard to tell him he’s giving me the cold shoulder or just simply has moved on.
Sara

May 9, 2020 at 3:44 am

Hey,
Me and my ex were only dating for about 6 months. He didn’t want to make it official or anything because I wasn’t he’s priority at the time as he was having lots of other personal problems. I love him so much and I’ve expressed my feelings to him lots of times but he’s never expressed how he feels about me. He was jobless for 5 months and I was making most of the effort and Persuing him. He recently got a job 2 months ago something just for the time being until he finds something better.
Everytime I would call him or text he use to sound very depressed and sad. He would never make an effort with me I would always arrange dates to meet up, also I use to most of the time initiate contact with him. But when we are together we always have a good time we are always happy together we’ve never fighted in person. If we do argue we always argue on the phone. So he’s been living with his uncle all his life and just 2months ago he left his uncles house and had a rough time finding somewhere to stay. Since he left he’s uncles house things between us went really cold. Just now during quarantine he broke up with me. After he broke up one week later he sent me a sorry message saying that he’s sorry that he doesn’t love me as much as I love him and he wishes that I would forgive him.

Does he really mean that he doesn’t love me or will time make him realise that he does love me. Because when we were together I know he had feelings for me but because of circumstances it wasn’t working out.
Stella Monteleone

May 5, 2020 at 3:37 am

I think my boyfriend does alot of nad things behind my back.. he cheated on me once or what i know of and we have eachother locations on our phones and i saw one nite he was at a hotel .. texted him all nite and he called me the day after amd told me he was with his friends. My trust is very low with him so I broke up with him . Should i
Do no contact for him to know what he lost? Amd if will ever change! He denys
everything amd always has excuses .. but when i ignore him He shows up at my house and calls me. What should i do?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 7, 2020 at 10:39 pm

Hi Stella yes you should complete a no contact period but ask yourself if this is the person you are willing to give another chance to if he cheated on you and isnt accepting blame or apologising

Esther

May 3, 2020 at 12:21 pm

Hi, I just broke up with my 2 years boyfriend few days ago. Our relationship was great for the 1st 1 and a half year, then it went downwards few months ago because we keep fighting for the same reason and he told me that he actually want a “romantic-loving” relationship where he willing to do anything for his partner and said he couldnt feel that for this 2 years relationship. It obviously hurt me and for the past few months i keep begging him to try and try but eventually few days ago i have came to a point that i am so tired for keep dragging our relationship like this and i can felt he doesnt really wanna continue this relationship anymore so i decided to break up… I am sad and devastated because i DO NOT want to break up with him but i hv no choice bcuz i really care abt his feelings… my last messages to him were a bit brutal (but i managed to delete it before he read) and all he keep saying were he’s sorry… do u think this NC period will really work because i really want to make him realised what he hv lost…

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 7, 2020 at 10:56 pm

Hey Esther, if you want to try and get your ex back then following the program is your best chance of this starting with a No Contact, where you take action and follow the rules and advice in the articles

Christina

April 27, 2020 at 5:21 pm

I initiated the no contact rule. My reason was for space to allow him time to think. He has never been verbal with his feelings. I was the person who always drove to him. In eight months we only went to the park twice, movies once and maybe the restaurant once a month. That’s not a norm for me. He bought Christmas and Valentine’s but still never allowed me to hear him verbally about his feelings. The more I had to go to him the more I felt pushed away and he noticed a drastic change but never put the pieces together. He ignores or doesn’t hear me when I speak out and later on asks me why I am bringing it up now when I had actually been bringing issues up all along. He stays isolated, he’s tight with money, he never takes me anywhere not even a stroll through the neighborhood hand in hand. His excuses were either his son every other weekend, cold weather or working. He claimed to enjoy my company but I’m not so sure. So, again I initiated the no contact being I don’t know what this is/was between us since he never spoke out and since he never spoke out I held back verbally but displayed by buying cards, gifts and going to his house. And he also claims working nights is another reason he doesn’t get to go out much.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

May 5, 2020 at 9:59 pm

Hi Christina, I am not sure what you are looking for advice wise, but I will say that you do not sound happy with the person he is, in a relationship. And that is not likely to change if he is content with who he is. I would suggest that while you complete a 30 day NC and think about what you are looking for in a relationship before reaching out to him.

Kiki

April 27, 2020 at 12:45 am

I recently split with my ex of a year. He says he is struggling with his feelings and thinks it may be because he’s not ready for a commitment. He needs more life experience. And needs space to figure things out. I failed at NC in the beginning, but it has been a full week. Im wondering if getting him back is even an option! How will NC work if he’s the one that wants the space? Things were left on good terms but what if he never contacts?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 29, 2020 at 9:09 pm

Hi Kiki you need to reach out after 30 days to open communication and re build your connection

Confused

April 24, 2020 at 3:10 pm

I have a close guy friend, which we have a romantic history. He was a flake, he would start to fall for me, and have to back off. Now we’re close friends. I have come to love him, I told him and he stated that he won’t “let himself reciprocate” those feelings. I don’t understand it. It seems like it should be black and white, he either cares about me or doesn’t. He has, on separate occasions told me he appreciates me and values me, but won’t admit to feelings, but does admit he misses me if we go a week or so without talking. He said he needs to be a better friend to me, and he does make an effort to call me more and initiate contact, because that was one thing I hated. I ALWAYS was the one to call or text first. I’m confused at whether he has feelings or not. He is a “hardass” and stubborn man in general, so I cant tell if he just wont admit it and does feel something, or if he legitimately doesn’t care about me and I should just give up.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 24, 2020 at 8:39 pm

Hey C, so only you can really decide what you want for yourself. If you want to try and get this guy as a partner then you are going to have to get him investing in you romantically and make him work for time

leslie

April 23, 2020 at 5:04 am

my bf pulled me away in 2 weeks then he called me for helping him. his acting was nothing happen. i thought we were ok but then he got cold again. i tried texting him but he didn’t respond. next day, he texted me and said he not ready for relationship bc he’s busy with everything, he wants to be alone and i said it was ok. i did nc in week already. we didn’t argue or anything. our relationship was good. what can i do now?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 25, 2020 at 11:39 am

Hey Leslie, I would suggest that you start your No Contact period where you ignore and do not reach out to your ex for 30 days minimum and focus on your holy trinity and then reach out to your ex with a text that Chris suggests after 30 days

Anonymous

April 21, 2020 at 2:09 pm

I broke up with my boyfriend about 3 weeks ago because he was going hot and cold and obviously hasn’t let go of his ex. We did the friends with benefits off and on for about a year and a half and there were times I felt he really cared for me. I tried to end that because I had feelings and wanted more but he wanted to have a real relationship so I agreed to try. We started going on actual dates and he was outing out more effort but then he would pull away. I told him I didn’t want to do this if he maintained any sort of emotional tie to his ex. They have a daughter and she has two other kids. My guess is he was attached to her other kids and was obsessed with her but she cheated on him twice and took him to court to try and get full custody but lost. He says she’s crazy and doesn’t want to upset her in fear that she will lie to their daughter age 6 and make him out to be the bad guy if he doesn’t provide her with emotional support. He talks and texts her often about their daughter but she will try to talk about them as well. He tried to get back with her about a year ago after breaking things off with me. He said he could never trust her again so he gave up. BUT he still has playlists with love songs and stuff with her name on them. I noticed he added a song to one of them recently and it pissed me off so I dumped him. I was tired of being confused and feeling like I was being played with. The song was about leaving someone behind which is good but it still shows he’s thinking about her and how much he cares. I hinted around about deleting the lists a few times and he never did. I think he wants to move on and cares for me but he can’t let go. My question is is it possible for someone to move on if they are still obsessed with their past and since I dumped him then do I remain in no contact and let him reach out if he even will? I noticed he has added another song to her list since our break up! Why do men obsess over women who terribly wronged them!!?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 24, 2020 at 9:47 pm

Hey there, it is hard for a person, male or female. To let go of something that hurt them – they look for the person who hurt them to undo the damage caused and it can take time for them to realise they are not going to get what they want, or at they going to feel better if that person apologises to them. If you want this person you are going to have to stop chasing them and start showing you know your worth.

Nina

April 19, 2020 at 10:26 pm

My boyfriend recently broke up with me, we started having fights and he became hot and cold at the end of the relationship. The day he broke up with me, he told me that he was really hurt by the things that I had done (he felt that at some point in the relationship I ignored him on purpose and preferred to go out with my friends, so he felt really jealous and that I didn’t need him anymore, as well that I didn’t support him enough when he felt sad or down, and either wasn’t there as much or didn’t give him space when we wanted some).
He told me that it hurt him to be without me and that he still loved me but that it didn’t mean that I had to be in his life. As he still has some of my things (makeup mainly) in his house, he told me he would contact me when he “collects” (his words) them.
Other thing that I noticed is that he still has our pictures in social media and stories. Although this might seem like not a big deal, as I have known him for a few years now (2 years of being best friend and 1 year of being a couple), when he felts deeply hurt by people and wants nothing to do with them, he immediately blocks them and deletes everything, which is something he still hasn’t done.
When we broke up at first I was really confused and scared so I did came off as needy and insecure, but after some hours I understood and sent him a message telling him that I supported his decision and that I wished him the best.
It’s been a few days now, and he still hasn’t contacted me (I’m only saying this because that’s what he said he would do as he want to give me back my stuff) so I am confused about what might be happening.
I am 5 days in the NC, with no contact from him at all.
Clueless girl

April 19, 2020 at 7:43 pm

Me and my ex dated for seven months but he didn’t want a relationship because he didn’t want to become emotionally dependent on someone and eventually he realized that he became emotionally dependent on me and we started dating officially for a month and we broke up recently. My ex and I broke up a month ago because he said I was inconsistent about whether or not I wanted to be with him even though he said that the breakup was most likely going to happen because he is transferring schools and that nothing lasts forever. He refuses to see where I was coming from on this even though most girls would not put up with that. I called him a week later telling him it wasn’t a good idea to be friends because I had unresolved issues towards him which I do and he said that he doesn’t get back together with exes because that’s his “policy” and that “what’s done is done” even though I was his first serious girlfriend and he wanted to be friends after it ended. He accused me of trying to guilt him back into a relationship when that’s not what I was doing at all. I was trying to explain how I feel and not ghost someone out of nowhere. We dated for seven months. I then told him that I didn’t want to be friends with him and that he doesn’t deserve better because he treated me like shit because he would say things like “oh it’s going to be hard for you to find someone who cares as much about you as I do” when he couldn’t even give me a title and that I don’t care about him anymore because he doesn’t care about me and then I blocked him on everything not knowing what he said. This was almost a month ago and I regret it but I don’t think I have a chance of getting back together with him and I don’t know if I should apologize or how I should? I shouldn’t want someone like this back into my life but I do:( I don’t know if I should apologize or see if he contacts me first but I don’t think he will. What do you think I should do about this? Try to contact him and if so how?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 21, 2020 at 7:07 pm

Hey there, I would suggest that you complete 45 days NC before doing anything, and only reach out if you are sure you want them back in your life, I would suggest that you date casually during your NC if you can and see how you feel after a few dates with different guys

Angel

April 14, 2020 at 7:00 pm

Am i doing the right thing by implementing no contact? I have been seeing this man for two years but ive always been the one to pull away because im never his main priority. He still sees other people, i was as well, but i haven’t been for the last 6 months or so..we always found each other again and i know he loves every moment together as much as i do. Recently ive asked for more, he has fought me on some of that until i gave the ultimadium and he folded making it clear he didnt want to lose me but im hurt that i had to even force it to that. He should have been there for me from the beginning not because of the ultimadium i presented him. He says he wants to commit to me later in life, understandibly weve both been better off financially than we are right now. I cant accept that though, i cant handle feeling so close to him when we are together then feeling like im nothing every time we part. I know hes still seeing somebody and i know its largely a matter of convienance for him with her but still that sucks im not gonna accept 2nds. I made it clear i asked him not to call, i have ignored his attempts to contact , i feel i need to heal, i am unsure if this is even what i should be doing though since he did give me hope for the future and he did come through for me eventually he did make it clear to me that i am important to him. Just he still wont make me his priority entirely, hes still got her… I just dont think im important enough… Should i just play it cool or continue to ghost him? With all the uncertainty happening in the economy right now its gonna be a while till we are more stable financially. I dont think this is a good reason anyways , i think its better to have a partner through rough times like this so i think thats just another excuse as well. Anyways, he isnt trying to reach me anymore, its been a week… He messaged me first three days then gave up. Oh and im pregnant by him, should i involve him in this at all or just leave him to wonder what im doing with his potential responsibility? He wants me to abort. This sucks

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 14, 2020 at 8:54 pm

Hi Angel, so as he does not make you a priority, yes follow the No Contact rules for 30 to 45 days depending on how strong you feel nearer the 30 day mark. As you are pregnant with his child you need to follow the rules of Limited no contact where you only speak about the pregnancy, and the possibility of abortion. When it comes to situations such as this, I always say it is up to you, its your body and its you who is committing to becoming a parent for the rest of your life. If he decides he does not want the baby, and you do then you have to accept that he is not going to support you or be involved as he has told you he does not want to be a father. If by the time the baby arrives he changes his mind of course that is when you arrange contact agreements.

Sheena Relojo

April 13, 2020 at 11:48 am

My ex is depressed and he chose to do no contact rule to me ( for sure without his knowing because he’s an Arab/Jordanian man. Does no contact rule applied on a depressed man? Because other people said, I should not leave him knowing he’s depressed. Please I need your advice. Thanks

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 13, 2020 at 2:58 pm

Hi Sheena, I am just wondering if other people are going to be there for him such as family and friends. You can not be there for someone who does not want you there. If he has broken up with you then he is going to need space from you. Allow him some time to work on himself and yes you go into No Contact

Winona

April 12, 2020 at 3:46 am

I broke up with my ex over a week ago because he couldn’t make his mind up over whether I was “the one”’or not. We were supposed to meet up in person but he rescheduled on me three times, the third time being that he just lost his job due to the coronavirus. I said I was there for him but would I ever get an answer to the status of our relationship. He said he doesn’t know and that I need to trust him. I texted him saying i felt as though he’s playing games with me and that this is not how you treat someone who is “the one”. So I texted him back wishing him well and told him I hope he finds what he’s looking for and that I’m letting him go because I love him. He never texted me back. I’ve been doing no contact but I wanted to know whether I’ll hear from him again or did I mess up?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 14, 2020 at 8:30 pm

Hi Winona, so it is possible you will hear from him again but if you want to improve your chances. Work on the Ungettable information Chris has produced and apply this to yourself so that your ex sees how great you are and feels that he has lost you because of him not being able to make a decision. I would also complete a 30 day NC before starting the texting phase

Heartbroken

April 10, 2020 at 5:48 pm

We broke up 5 weeks ago, I was dating a person who is scared of commitment hence never being engaged/married, narcissist, alcoholic. After two years of only being the weekend girlfriend and him refusing to be in my kids life I broke it off. I love him and still miss him though. He send me an email a week ago wishing me and family well. I haven’t contacted him nor responded to him. What to do? When I broke it off I told I wanted the whole girlfriend experience, future together etc and he refused .
Rachel

April 8, 2020 at 4:44 pm

Hey me and my ex broke up about 2 months back because things got very complicated we fought a lot mostly me. I was emotionally very vulnerable and cried over small issues. So he decided it was better we stay away. I tried calling and texting him immediately after but it was useless he seemed to have decided that he didn’t want this relationship. So I gave him some some space but he had a leg injury after some time so I texted him just to ask about it. Then I waited for few weeks after almost a month I texted him saying I’m ready to work on myself but he said he wanted to be single. I responded positively saying that I understand. I realised I hadn’t apologised to him so after about 3 weeks I said that I was sorry to which he said okay then we talked casually I asked him how he was and all and he said that he was having fun what does this mean

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 13, 2020 at 3:03 pm

Hi Rachel, I think this was his way of telling you he is still single, or not with anyone in a serious way. If you want this guy back then I suggest that you work on your Holy Trinity, to show your ex that you are doing well and enjoying yourself too. I would read about being Ungettable and apply this too. Any mutual friends be sure not to talk about him to them

Christik

April 3, 2020 at 11:09 pm

Hi, I was dating a guy for about 2.5 months. He had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship about 2 months before we began talking. We also had a lot of problems with our personalities & me being insecure about his ex. He always reassured me that he loved me & wanted to be with me. He said he likes things about me that he felt like his ex didn’t have. We are kind of opposites so it’s an opposites attract situation. When he ended it, he said he felt like he hadn’t been single in so long but that he still loves me & could potentially see a future with us. He said it wouldn’t be right for him to be in a relationship with me if he wasn’t all in since he felt a need to give himself time to be single. I can’t help but wonder if he made the decision due to our fighting or maybe even because of his ex. So basically I don’t know if it was a cop out or if he was serious about just needing time. I’ve started a no contact & as of now it’s been a week & a half since the breakup & we have not spoke. I’ve also used social media strategies. I’m unsure of what else I can do. He says he is doing what he thinks is best and I understand but I also see so much potential with us. Some advice and insight would be so appreciated!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 12, 2020 at 8:39 am

Hi Christik, so I think hes been honest he was in a long term relationship for 5 years and he wasnt single for long after either, this sometimes makes you the rebound – but as you have responded well you still have a chance of getting him back when hes had some head space. Keep doing as you are, continue your NC to day 30 and plan your texts from the articles and videos that Chris has provided

Lorelai

March 31, 2020 at 3:24 pm

Hi so I’m currently really confused. My guy broke it off with me after a fight. He blocked me off everything. I waited a week and then texted him off a fake phone number telling him i still care & didnt want to fight anymore and that i dont want to throw away the relationship. He replied saying he still cares about me too. We talked for a little while more. But now he hasn’t texted me since that night and it’s been 4 days. I’m paranoid that him saying that he still cares was a double-edged sword and could mean that he cares but still wants nothing to do with me? I’m not sure if he’s using this time to gather his thoughts, if it’s a power play, or if he is really just done?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 7, 2020 at 11:42 pm

Hi Lorelai, I would suggest that you give your ex / guy some time and let him decide what it is they want.

Sandra

March 31, 2020 at 5:40 am

My situation is a bit different. I am in a detached marriage. There is no physical or emotional relationship. I met my guy by sheer accident and sparks flew. I was honest with him from the get go. Over time, he was just not comfortable with my living situation. He slowly backed away and eventually I said ok, you are uncomfortable, I cant say I blame you, I appreciate your honesty and I said to take care. Its been only three days and I am climbing the walls. We never had a physical affair, it was emotional, a lot of talking and sharing but I wanted a physical relationship. He is my perfect match. I know he was into our emails yesterday because I have pixel tracking on my account. But he hasn’t been in there since. We never had arguments or anything, it was just him feeling uncomfortable and unable to go further. My best friend said he needs time to process the big picture and to leave him be. I am terrified he is gone for good, that he has decided I am not worth the trouble. I am leaving my marriage when our child graduates which will be spring of 2021, this was decided before I met this man. Please give me some tips and advice.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 7, 2020 at 11:45 pm

Hi Sandra, I would suggest that if you are to speak to this man again that you are planning on leaving your husband but you can not expect people to be accepting that you are living with your husband. You need to understand that for some people this concept is hard to understand.

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4,271 thoughts on “The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule”