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1,382 thoughts on “The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule”

  1. ida

    February 2, 2015 at 11:08 pm

    Hi! great site first of all! So me and my ex boyfriend have been broken up for about a week, after being together for six months. I havent spoken to him at all and soon to start my second week of the no contact period. However, we kind of left it on a weird note, as we were arguing, but then decided to leave things to the summer, he didn’t promise anything nor saying that he didn’t want anything more to happen ( he has commitment issues and goes back and forth all the time). Will the no contact effect still work on him even though we left things on a good( neutral) note? thanks!

    1. admin

      February 3, 2015 at 1:15 pm

      Thanks!

      Yes, the no contact rule can be effective!

  2. yasmin

    February 2, 2015 at 7:31 pm

    Hi,
    ( i dont know if this message is on the website before i couldnt find it)
    my boyfriend broke up with me he told me that I’m a girl he wish to be with but its not going to workout because we are from diferent countries and he wanted us to be friends after a week of that i didnt take it so i sent him a goodbye message and he replyed saying will you be my lover -we are not from the same place so he was worried that because we are away from each other after a while our love is going to be lost so he needed some time with him self after that he said ” you shoud trust me and you shoud understand that you are not the onely one that i dont respond to her in time and we will talk but not everyday and when the right time to talk comes we will talk ” now if i send him a message he respond after days i dont feel that he cares and that was the problem about a week before breaking up i mean if he wants me why he is acting this way and he will never going to admit that he did something wrong so i just gave up and stopped talking i just dont understand him .
    after two days of not sending him any message he sent me a voice message saying ” i hope that you are ok i think that you are busy or you dont want to talk but i miss talking to you ” i replyed after a day i told him that i’m not ok and i realy wasnt i was letterly dying without him , any way he asked how im feeling now and things and we talked for two minutes after that and then he gone , he didnt seem like missing me i dont know so i asked him what are we now friend or what ,because i thought that what he said earlier when he said that you should trust me and things means that we are together again , but he said ” we are together now and thats the important thing just leave this Q to the time ” . now i dont understand anything ,i dont understand what he meant about every thing he said , i dont know what should i do , shoud i stop talking to him for a while ? what should i do ?

    1. admin

      February 3, 2015 at 1:05 pm

      Its on the site!

      Have you started NC?

    2. yasmin

      February 7, 2015 at 12:11 pm

      No,i know that’s on the website but i don’t know if NC is what should i do because i was thinking that if he really believes that its not going to workout on internet then he is not going to come back to me, even before we started the relationship he was saying that he is afraid to fall in love with me and break up after that because of the distance maybe he don’t have any choice i don’t know .and i haven’t talk to him for one week now just because i don’t know what to do and he didn’t send me anything so i just wanted to ask if NC is what should i do

  3. 50 shades of cray

    February 2, 2015 at 12:18 am

    Was back in contact with my ex for about a month. He originally ended it with me because of trust issues. We did not speak for over a year. I reached out to him recently and we started talking. He was interested, flirty, and asked me out. We made plans twice over a week’s time but on both days other stuff came up and we ended up not meeting up. He text me once more, asking if I wanted to
    meet up that night but I had a prior work commitment.

    A few days later, he messaged me that he’s done waiting around for me and that he’s seeing somebody else. He feels like I was leading him on, outlined every wrong thing I had done in the past month, and said that history always repeats itself. He also basically told me that he asked out this other girl solely because he’s tired of my bullshit. I responded that I was sorry that things couldn’t go further because he can’t relax and try to trust me and to not be a stranger.

    My question is.. Is he actually dismissing me and no longer interested or is this some sort of man tantrum? Is it nuts to try and go into NC, in hopes that he will calm down and have some regret? Or is it time to let it go permanently?

    Thank you, wise one!

    1. admin

      February 2, 2015 at 2:35 pm

      And the winner of the funniest name today goes to YOU!!

      50 shades of cray…

      That is great.

      My money is on man tantrum!

    2. 50 shades of cray

      February 7, 2015 at 11:28 pm

      When can I collect my prize?! ; )

      Can I be greedy and ask what you think is the next best move from here? Should I give him time to cool off, then attempt to reach out casually? Should I do a full 30 days?

    3. admin

      February 9, 2015 at 3:42 pm

      Sure, email me at [email protected] and I’ll give you a little something for making me laugh.

  4. Claudia

    January 27, 2015 at 5:37 pm

    Hey Chris,
    Okay so I successfully completed the no contact rule arpund Christmas and sent a Merry Christmas text. We had a few exchanges. Then we text a few times on New Years. I left it alone till just this week and reached how with a funny picture and said “hope your New Year is off to a good start” He replied to the pic and asked how my new year was. I replied and asked How are you?….no reply. Its been 2 days. Is that normal? Do I just drop it? I thought we were on a road to at least conversation 🙁

    1. admin

      January 28, 2015 at 3:15 pm

      Well, the problem there that I see is that your text message was pretty weak.

      “How are you?”

      Isnt a very strong message to continue the conversation.

    2. Claudia

      January 30, 2015 at 7:35 am

      Okay, i thought that was a normal conversation question but I can’t take it back and try again and I still have no reply. How do I move forward from here ?

  5. Akala

    January 24, 2015 at 4:32 am

    Hi, my 5 year relationship is a long distance one, I feel like it is losing touch. He recently said he’s not sure how he feels about me anymore. Unfortunately our relationship was filled with fights, jealousy, a little trust issues too… and well I’ve recently been going to see a counselor and things are getting better for me , he’s seeing a counselor too after I said I was going to do that (not sure why though, he doesn’t have that many problems). When I contacted him he didn’t really respond, so I tried not contacting him first, and he ignored me for a day through text, then the next day he asked me how my day went and I only responded when he asked… I don’t know if there is hope for our relationship.
    How can I show him that I’ve changed, and have him regain feelings for me. I know that’s a difficult question, but is my approach right for my situation. I don’t know if I should go on no contact as he hasn’t officially broken up with me, but stated he doens’ tknow how he feels yet he doens’t want to break up. It’s confusing for me, as I can’t find advice specific to my situation, Thanks so much for reading this.
    -Akala

    1. admin

      January 26, 2015 at 2:52 pm

      5 year long distance relationship? Did the two of you not have a means to wind up together in a more permanant manner.

  6. Jennifef

    January 23, 2015 at 6:10 pm

    Hey..

    My ex and I only broke up a couple weeks ago. I was very much in love with him and I thought he was with me. He would always talk about the future and moving out (two days before he broke up with me) and acted like i was the one. We moved extremely quickly in our relationship, we were only dating for 3 months and did everything together. It was moving to fast for me as well. He even went to another state with me because I was going to have surgery there and he wanted to be there. He also sat in on personal doctors appointments that week and everything (which was the week before he broke up with me). Out of the blue he broke up with me, saying he doesn’t know if he feels the way he used to anymore and he doesn’t know how he feels at all. He says he wants to be friends and hang out, which we have been. But im still in love with him and it hurts a lot to hear him say I’m his friend. He says a part of him still has feelings for me and the other part wants to be alone and have no relationship. He goes back and forth over what he wants. When he is around me he says he gets caught up in the moment and thinks about getting back with me and taking things very slow (which is what I want if we ever got back together) and then as soon as I leave he changes his mind. He just really doesn’t know. Today would be my first day of NC, but how is that going to work if he wants to be friends and hang out? I really need help with all of this. I really want him back when the time is right of course.

    1. admin

      January 26, 2015 at 2:20 pm

      Well, being friends and all that is going to have to take a bit of a backseat for now.

  7. July

    January 21, 2015 at 1:06 pm

    Hi!Thanks a lot for your advices. My ex relationship was a long distance one. For the first of the year, after NC, I sent a short message to wish him a happy new year. I got a positive answer and we exchanged few sentences about his health. I didnt answer to his last message.
    After a week I contacted him again with a powerful mess about a memory and he definitely replied in a positive way telling the rest of the story, but then I immediately cut off the moment and told him we will hear later cause I was busy. Contacted him again after a couple of hours and I got an answer at night with an unexpected compliment and another one that needed an answer. But I just replied the next morning and we started a light conversation which I ended after some sentences.
    Contacted him again after some hours using a super funny meme which made him laugh, tried to start a conv but he was busy so I just greeted him. Then he contacted me at night talking in my language (which he didn’t know before) and we started to talk. He sent me some video of himself and I threw a hidden compliment, it was funny but I cut it again after short and he sent me the goodnight with a kiss (me no kiss).
    The next afternoon I sent a funny suspense message which got a positive answer and some laugh but then he didnt aswer to my last sentence.
    I waited 3 days and then sent another powerful message which got a positive answer, again after some sentences I ended it and in the afternoon I sent a smart message alluding to a big cool new on myself. I waited some time before revealing it after his answer and then he was amazed by this new. He called me with the nickname he was used to call me when we were a couple, made me a compliment and he was very talky, (although he was at gym and for him this time is sacre). Later in the day he contacted me 2 times and he was totally into the conv but after 45 mins I cut it off meanwhile he was starting to tell a new story because it was time to sleep for me. The next evening I sent him a pic like a meme and he answered neutral, I didn’t answer him back yet (it’s the day after).
    In my opinion he looks interested. How long should a conversation last now? What to do if he doesn’t answer with something that I can reply or just doesnt answer? When should I contact him again? Or should I just wait 3 days hoping he will contact me?
    Thanks a lot 🙂

    1. admin

      January 21, 2015 at 3:25 pm

      Question, during your relationship did the two of you ever have a plan that you would move closer together?

    2. July

      January 21, 2015 at 4:02 pm

      We are both studying in different cities at the moment, thats why. But we planned to set close as soon as our studies were done! We are 20 years old

    3. admin

      January 22, 2015 at 3:42 pm

      Financially was it viable for the two of you to end up together?

    4. July

      January 22, 2015 at 4:11 pm

      Yes, we both can financially. Moreover, he is studying something that he can work everywhere in the world, and me too more or less.
      Anyway the situation has no news since my comment: I’m still waiting xD

    5. admin

      January 23, 2015 at 4:07 pm

      Ok, well that is a very good sign that financially it is possible. Most couples aren’t able to overcome that type of distance.

    6. July

      January 23, 2015 at 4:23 pm

      Ok, that’s good. But what should I do now? 3 days passed now and he didn’t contact me. He is the one that answered neutral the last time. I guess I’m gonna send I’m another powerful mess and then start a longer conversation… But what to do if he doesn’t answer with something I can reply?
      Thanks a lot!!

  8. Maria

    January 21, 2015 at 4:24 am

    Hey Chris!

    Two questions!

    1. What’s the best text message to send a guy you haven’t talked to in a few months that claimed to “move on”? I’m trying to casually start a conversation again since a few months have passed.

    2. What’s the longest you’ve ever seen it take a guy to tell his ex girlfriend he messed up and wants to give the relationship another try?

    You’re the best!

    1. admin

      January 21, 2015 at 3:17 pm

      1. I am a fan of the remind me of type texts.

      2. 10 years!

      (seriously.)

    2. Maria

      January 24, 2015 at 4:12 pm

      Hey Chris,

      Thanks so much! In regards to the 1st question, his birthday is in a few days. Is waiting to text him on his birthday a cop out?

      Thanks for all the advice!!

  9. Rayann

    January 21, 2015 at 2:23 am

    Hi! Thank you for this.
    I did 60+ days of NC with my ex, got no response, so I waited another 30 days and finally got a cautiously optimistic response. My ex and I have been talking for 3 months now. Still haven’t seen each other, but 10 days ago he brought up the idea of taking a trip together. We talked for several shouts about where and when to go, finally settling on him getting back to me after he’d heard from his realtor. I haven’t heard anything from him since. I have received the advice to just wait for him to get back to me, and to trust that he will give me sufficient time to prepare for a trip. Right now, I’m ok whether or not the trip happens. I want this trip for me, and have no expectations of anything beyond having a good time with good company. I wonder though if he may be waiting for me to contact him. He is stubborn and can be passive aggressive. I’d like a male perspective. Do I leave the ball in his court? Wait for him to contact me, or text him with something light and don’t bring up the trip at all?

    1. admin

      January 21, 2015 at 3:12 pm

      May I ask you why you were in NC for that long?

  10. Venus

    January 20, 2015 at 11:30 pm

    Dear thanks for respond ..
    Honestly at this point I just want to get him back from that woman … She knew he was with me ..
    But why he is saying because I didn’t respond to him so It means I m with someone and he won’t bother me anymore ?!!!!!

    1. admin

      January 21, 2015 at 3:09 pm

      WEll, what have you done so far?

  11. Sarah

    January 20, 2015 at 4:53 pm

    Hi Chris.

    So in my situation my ex and I broke up but ever since he has still acted like my boyfriend. We don’t live in the same state but he still says he loves me all the time and comes to visit me. However, several times in the past few months he has acted like he wants to go do his own thing or date other girls and I have accepted that and stopped talking to him and then he comes back every time. I did the 30 day no contact and he kept texting and calling. I’ve also gone several weeks without talking to him a couple times and he always tries to get ahold of me. For Christmas he gave me a bunch of presents including matching couples shirts. However, I stopped talking to him for several weeks and then he kept trying to tell me he wanted to talk in person. I finally called him and he explained that he’s gone on a few dates with someone but he doesn’t feel the same about her as he does with me and he’s not going to continue to see her. He also talked about how he still see’s a future with me. Then he came over even though I told him not to. We didn’t do anything sexual but we did kiss. He told me over and over that he loves me and that he’s going to work harder to show it. He talked about possibly moving in together in the future and more things like that. The next day I texted him letting him know that he can’t stay the night again as long as he is pursuing other women. Even though he told me is not still seeing the other girl I know its possible that they’re still talking or that he will date someone else and I’m not comfortable with him staying the night under those circumstances. Well last night he texted me saying that that night was a mistake and he gave me no reasoning for it.
    I am extremely confused as to why he would say it was a mistake when he was the one pushing so hard to see me and I was saying no. Why would he talk about a future with me etc? I know there could be many reasons why he said it was a mistake: the other girl, him not wanting to lead me on, him pushing something I didn’t want, etc. But do you have any idea which one it would be? Also I’m thinking now but be a good time to just cut all communication with him for about 2 months until he has time to mature and figure out what he really wants. Us going back and forth with each other doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere.

    Please let me know what your thoughts on this are. Thanks!

    1. admin

      January 21, 2015 at 2:57 pm

      It could be a combo of all three things?

    2. Sarah

      January 22, 2015 at 7:26 am

      Okay well I don’t think its the other girl because he is not seeing her anymore, they just went on a few dates. But was what I suggested a good idea to do? Cut all communication with him for a couple months or however long it takes for him to figure out what he wants?

  12. Venus

    January 19, 2015 at 6:05 pm

    Hi Dear .. hope all is well
    ex bf and I have been together for 3 years … he has commitment phobia as well .. he cheated on me with his ex and I caught him one month ago .. I went NC right a way .. he started to text me and calling me that how sorry he was … but I ignore him ..
    then one week ago he texted me that he promised to not lie anymore but if I don’t answer him it mean I am with someone and he wont bother me anymore !!!!!! I didn’t respond again .. so he hasn’t contacted me since !!
    what do u think ?
    Thank you for your time

    1. admin

      January 20, 2015 at 3:36 pm

      Can you forgive him for the cheating?

      Realistically?

  13. Cristin Crockett

    January 8, 2015 at 10:53 pm

    My ex and I broke up the day after Christmas. I’m using the no contact rule currently. I was thinking after the 30 days i would return all the stuff he left here (including the shirt I got him for Christmas) with a note suggesting happy hour. Seem like a good idea to you, or too much perhaps?

    1. admin

      January 19, 2015 at 3:21 pm

      Usually a note isnt ideal until your ex is properly primed to say yes to a get together.

  14. Ginger

    January 8, 2015 at 9:55 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I thought my x would have contacted me by now. It has been about 2 weeks since he broke up with me. (seems way longer!) I broke the NC rule one time on NYE, so I had to start all over again. Just a brief background we are both in our 30’s no kids, and were together for nearly 7 months. He broke up with me out of no where a few days before Christmas. I did not see it coming at all we never fought and things were really amazing between us… He is very stubborn and 100% an alpha male… You touched on the stubborn male in some of your blogs but the Alpha Male any insight?

    1. admin

      January 19, 2015 at 3:20 pm

      Well, an alpha male will have this belief that he can get any girl (and he usually can.) Your task is to make him think you are the one girl he can’t get.

  15. TANYA

    January 4, 2015 at 3:59 pm

    Hi Chris and happy new year.
    I think you should cover this one here:
    when your boyfriend leave you during no contact period for another girl, not only to be with her but he proposed to her !!! I am sure he only met her while I was doing no contact on him ! I spoke to him about it I asked him how come ??? his answer was “You made me do it, it is because of you ” what do you think Chris ? is this some kind of maddness ?? will his engagement last ???
    I look forward to your answer.
    with thanks

  16. Pam

    December 26, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    Hey Chris,

    My ex agreed to meet up with me, although we have not set a date. We broke up because I had “given up on myself” and he couldn’t handle the pressure of carrying me through while dealing with his own life. Now, we have gone back to talking almost everyday, although he still does not regret breaking up. We agreed to meet up when we initially broke up, just as respect to our relationship, as we didn’t want it to end on bad terms. However, things escalated and got messy quickly and two months later, and a lot of arguments later, (before we have become civil and talking again) we still haven’t met up. I told myself that meeting up will either confirm to me that it is dead, or remind him that it is not dead. Now my question is, is there a way to increase the chance of it being a reminder to him that we are still meant to be together? I don’t want to give up, but I am also tired of being hurt.

    I really hope to hear from you.

    1. admin

      December 29, 2014 at 2:41 pm

      What made you “give up on yourself?”

    2. Pam

      December 29, 2014 at 11:28 pm

      I was under a lot of pressure, being a recent graduate who didn’t know what to do with my life. I was stressed out over not having a “real job” while he did. And it being my first real relationship, I expected it to be perfect and any time it didn seem perfect, I took the pressure on myself

  17. kristi

    December 23, 2014 at 5:13 pm

    Hi Chris,
    New here and getting a lot of good info from your site. I have/had a good friend “Jimmy”. We were basically great friends with benefits. Eventually I think we both sort of started falling for each other, but we never crossed that bridge or really discussed it. I think we were both too afraid of what the other would think/react. Everything was perfect when we were together face to face, he was so caring and sweet, always going out of his way for me, saying nice things to me, holding me, cook for me etc.. and the sex was amazing. Our problem was always when we were APART. It was the total opposite. He would rarely text or call, or if we did text it wasn’t for very long. We both have very tough schedules so I would only get to see him about once every two weeks, sometimes longer. The past few weeks he seemed to be in a really bad mood. I really wanted to see him but didn’t want to push. Then things just completely blew up.This past Thursday I sent him an afternoon text saying “hey what are the chances that you’ll be home tonight?” … I knew he was still at work, but thought at least I would let him know I wanted to see him, and plant the seed in his head ya know? By evening he never responded. I didn’t want to just sit around and be sad and mopey, and I didn’t want to text him again and be annoying, so I just decided to forget about it and I ended up going out to see one of my best friend’s band play at a local club. I posted a pic on facebook of the band and tagged my friend Michael (the one in the band) and myself and what a good night it was. Keep in mind I post things about Michael’s band all the time. Anyway, about 20 min later I got this awful text from Jimmy saying ” I would have invited you over if it wasn’t for all the dumb ass comments you been putting on facebook”…. I post a lot of things on facebook and could not think of one thing that would have been about him. I told him I was confused and didn’t know what he was talking about, from there he just went into this crazy pissed off rant saying I don’t make time for him, and he can see I just make time for the ones I really want etc… he was so MEAN,saying and he has never said a single mean thing to me ever. I then made the mistake of saying “what do you mean I don’t want you, I love you… you asshole!” I had never said I love you to him before…and this is the way I say it for the first time….just perfect. I could kick myself. His reply was ‘Well, GUESS WHAT?????” I said ” you hate me.. I get it” In which he replied” no, you’re retarded and I feel bad for you, I hope you can go fix yourself”… and that was it.. boom, he was gone. He hasn’t spoken to me since. I did send him a text a few days later saying ” I typed out a long message but deleted it, I don’t want to leave things like this, especially over Christmas. You mean the world to me. Please talk to me. I’ll be here when you’re ready”. I figure I will just leave the ball in his court so to speak, I will now implement the no contact rule. I WAS going to send him just a quick Merry Christmas wish on Christmas, but I don’t think I will now. I said I’d be here waiting, and that’s what Ill do I guess. I don’t know how to fix this, and I still don’t understand what I did that made him SO MAD. Any thoughts or advice?

    1. admin

      December 29, 2014 at 2:23 pm

      Sorry this is a bit late but my advice is not to send him a merry christmas.

  18. yess

    December 21, 2014 at 2:26 am

    Hey really quick and exciting news!
    So my ex and I are now talking again after alittle over a year.:)
    We talked how we just wanted to start over and he said he had feelings for me and I said I had feelings for him and for over a year of not talking it went really well he brought up a lot of jokes and stuff from our past relationship! Is this going in the right direction? He said he wanted me to come over his house and hang with him, and he also was complimenting me. How do I get him to feel even more admiration for me?
    Thanks chrissss!!

  19. Vivnne

    December 15, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I have been reading your website for quiet some time, It has helped me calm down but I have a lot of questions running on my mind..
    My boyfriend and me broke up about 1.5 month ago.. He broke up with me, our families knew about us and my family is perfectly fine with him.. But his Mom has been pretty much against it since last year and she has very well convinced him after a lot of drama that was created with his dad passing away.. I was devastated why he would do this.. He did not speak to me over a month and then suddenly called me and started speaking as if everything he did was ok! and when I asked him about his behaviour he said ” you have to understand I cant hurt my mother” and that was the justification.. I realised that he just never really understood how much he hurt me and what he is doing, he just does not think he is wrong.. He is in a different country on business trip and now I have stopped responding to his calls as he does not think what he did to me is wrong…
    We were together for 4 years… Please advise I really want him to understand and think about our relationship..

  20. Ashley

    December 11, 2014 at 1:33 am

    Hi Chris,

    My ex boyfriend and I broke up 6 months ago. We dated for a year and a half. I am well aware that getting back with an ex is never a good idea. However, It’s been 6 months and I still miss him everyday so I want to explore my option here. After the breakup, I dated someone else for 3 months (rebound). During that time, my ex and I rarely talked except when I bumped into him on the street. He insisted on giving me a ride once when I was drunk. Recently, in the last month, he has reached out to me twice and asked me the same question. He wondered if it’s weird that his parents are still commenting on my FB. I asked him why and he said he doesn’t want his parents to hold me back from moving on. But then, he proceed to ask how I’ve been and voluntarily told me what’s he been up to. I was just wondering if he just makes an excuse to talk to me or because he really wants me to move on? Will there be a chance for me to get him to want me back? Thank you for helping.

    1. admin

      December 15, 2014 at 5:17 am

      You have a decent chance.

      What are you ages may I ask?

    2. Ashley

      December 16, 2014 at 3:19 am

      Hi Chris,

      Thank you for replying to me personally. I really appreciate this. I am 23 now and he is 31. I tried to follow your article and sent him messages twice on FB since I posted the previous question (I deleted his phone number when we broke up). The first time was about an inside joke that we had. He responded positively right away and I ended the convo first. The second time was about a bonding experience that we had. But he hasn’t responded. I can’t help but feel maybe my instinct was wrong about how he felt.

    3. Ashley

      December 23, 2014 at 12:14 am

      Update: After 3 days, he finally responded to me staring with “Haha…” so I guess it was positive. The next day, I hadn’t had a chance to reply to him and he messaged me asking what my plan was for Xmas on FB. We messaged back and forth, and I made an excuse that the FB app drained my phone battery and asked him to text me. He told me he didn’t have my # anymore. I gave him my # and he texted me right away “OK Better? :-p” I think it’s a positive sign so far so Thank you. And I just bought your book 🙂

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