The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

1,382 thoughts on “The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule”

Mika

August 10, 2015 at 8:44 pm

I have completed 30 days NC, but in the meantime I have not gotten any messages from my ex. It has been exactly 33 days. During the relationship, we broke up couple of times, so I decided to continue NC for a little while longer. Do you think it is wise to do that? We are now also living in different countries. Due to work, he had to move, which was kinda influential on the final break up as well. How long should I continue NC?

Chris Seiter

August 19, 2015 at 3:42 am

Ah that is really tough, you can reach out to him but to be honest living in other countries is almost impossible to sustain a solid relationship. Is he coming back to where you live?

Anastassia

August 8, 2015 at 4:10 pm

Chris! I am in total shock right now and know you are the right guy to come to. I followed the no contact rule for 30 days and I’m proud of myself! I thought within this time things would cool down. I was feeling better about the situation and ready to get my man back. I hadn’t heard anything from him during no contact so I reached out after the 30 days were up. To my surprise he answered but told me he was happier without me. He was upset that he had not heard from me in 4 weeks and that he figured we were both moving on. He said what else was he supposed to do. I, of course, am in total shock. How can I fix this? the main reason we broke up was because we were fighting a lot, so the break was nice to clear our heads, but I know deep down the fighting can be stopped. I hope you can help me. It would mean the world!!

Anastassia

August 21, 2015 at 11:13 pm

UPDATE! So I took your advice after a week of space and texted him with a non threatening message. At first he was still defensive, but ended up calling me. I stayed calm the entire time, and let him speak. It was like a light switch went off and he totally changed and started opening up to me. We had a great conversation and resolved a lot of issues. As of right now we aren’t together, we decided we needed more time to ourselves, but I’m hoping as time goes by we can try again? I don’t want to rush it. What’s a good way to handle this situation? And thanks for all your help!!
Chris Seiter

August 25, 2015 at 7:40 pm

Sounds great, glad you finally got him off the defensive!! Slowly build the attraction, keep the texts light and engaging and sporadic. Gradually increasing texts.
Anastassia

August 17, 2015 at 11:54 pm

Thank you for your thoughtful reply! I definitely have my work cut out for me. I’m just afraid of annoying him. When I last spoke with him, he said he wasn’t ready for any talking, he was hurt, and couldn’t be with me any longer because the stress was just too much for him. It was extremely upsetting to hear because this was so out of character for him. I feel like I need to give him his space? I don’t want to give up, but I don’t want to chase him away either
Chris Seiter

September 2, 2015 at 3:38 am

I’m glad your doing well. Your welcome. Yep go back into no contact. Try again in 2 weeks.
Chris Seiter

August 17, 2015 at 6:26 pm

I’m sorry he felt that way. Just try talking to him casually and don’t bring up any fights. Read the guide on Texting to Get Your Ex Back. It takes time to get your ex back. On average I find the people get back with their ex’s anywhere from 3-6 months is the most common range so just doing no contact is not going to immediately get your ex back. On rare occasions it does but generally you have to work at getting your ex back slowly for a while.

Jain

August 5, 2015 at 3:35 pm

I really appreciate what you are doing out here.
A little about what happened with me. I have been dating with my ex for almost 8 years and he one days just comes up and says I am no more attracted to you and I don’t want this relation but the truth was he was guilty that he had by mistake cheated one night on me and that guilt can get him back. But the reality is he got attracted to the other girl and worn off by me. He is now dating her. I begged cried and pleaded to return back but then I cam to the site and realised I made a mistake and I should have not just contacted him. So I went ahead and maintained a good 30 days of no contact. Now those 30 days are over and I don’t know how to get him back. Can you please suggest.

Brut

August 16, 2015 at 5:04 pm

To be honest with you, 8 years is quite a long time and as human, we always love to try new things. Nevertheless, it is not enough reason for a man to treat a woman like nothing. You need to start acting like you dont care. Take care of yourself, always appear more beautiful and happy to both him and other people. There is a fifty percent chance he might admire you again.
Chris Seiter

August 6, 2015 at 9:45 pm

Have you attempted a first contact text message yet?

chica

August 2, 2015 at 5:48 am

Hi chris.
in fact it does not concern an ex bf but rather a friend whom i was texting! we were texting a lot until he asked a friend abt whether i am single or not. i was damn angry when i learnt abt it n told the third party abt our relationship which was secret till now. i think he didnt like that i made our relationship public and he told me that we r just friends.
we r no longer on speaking terms and i want to whether the no contact rule will work same on such a guy? i will be really grateful if u can get bak to me asap. thanks.
Jassabelle

July 30, 2015 at 8:23 pm

What if my boyfriend ended the relationship in a big fight. Things were said from both sides and I went strait into no contact without leaving him anything positive. Do I go out of my way of no contact and tell him that we both said things and I hold nothing against him or do I continue no contact ? Please respond. Thank you

Chris Seiter

August 6, 2015 at 8:57 pm

Continue with no contact, your first text after no contact is crucial. Make sure it’s something positive and light.

Denise

July 28, 2015 at 3:38 am

I’m currently on Day 17 of NC & going strong. 🙂

Ironically, my 30 days is up on his actual birthday Aug. 10th. My question is should I take this into account when sending my 1st text?
shoegal

July 26, 2015 at 5:10 pm

Dear Chris,
Your advice would mean everything to me. I read your articles religiously and I find them extremely helpful, though I can’t find a suggestion that would suit my case best, so I would really appreciate your advice!
Me and him were in a relationship for almost 6 years. We’re both 23-year-olds and he was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend. We were an amazing couple, love from the first sight. We had this magical ‘thing’. We communicated perfectly and could always work things out together. Absolutely NOTHING went wrong between us. I was never obsessively controlling him, expecting him to marry me etc. Suddenly, a 1,5 month ago, he got scared I think (we planned to move in together for the first time) and broke up with me using some cliche excuses, like he needs to be alone, he endlessly reassured me that’s him, not me and that he doesn’t regret a single moment spent with me and still wants to stay in touch, but as friends. But that’s not all. He said that he felt too safe with me always being supportive. He said he doesn’t know himself, because he has never spent a day as a single. He doesn’t like himself and needs to become a better, true male and work on himself. He said he must have freedom to do everything that he wants in his life and with me by his side it wouldn’t really be possible. He doesn’t want to regret never trying how it’s like to be with someone else and must take the risk (kinda ‘grass is greener’ I feel). He cried a lot and got really emotional. But I was not begging him to come back, I told him the opposite, that it’s tough for me, because I truly love him, but I won’t beg for anything. He was relieved when I said so. Chris, I am sure he’s the one. What was between us was magical. I will do anything to reignite the spark.
Now, I’m going through the no contact period of 30 days. It’s day 26. Chris, taking into consideration what he revealed, he apparently needs time on his own, but on the other hand I’m scared, because he said he doesn’t want to regret having only one girlfriend in his life. The thought he may involve with someone else makes me wanna die. Do you recommend no contact for more than 30 days in this case or should I just proceed to texting as it’s suggested after that? I was thinking that maybe it would be better to wait until he feels it’s right for him to contact me (as he wants to stay in touch), but I also feel that I cannot wait forever until he does that first if I want him back, because it may never happen as well (especially if he finds a rebound), what do you think? And another question, is there any recommended time that texting should last before I suggest we catch up over coffee? I don’t want to keep texting for too long and accidentally become a friend.
I would be more than happy to get your advice.

Thank you,
Shoegal
Jackie

July 24, 2015 at 1:12 am

Hi Chris,
I met this great guy online about 3 months ago. We are long distance. In the beginning he said he feels Long distance (LDR) are hard. I told him I understood. He continued to contact me, texting, emailing and calling me. We connected very well and shared a lot. He has never expressed his feelings but continues to contact me. We talk sometimes for 2.5 hours. My question is why does he continue to contact me almost daily if he is not interested in a relationship with me (he hasn’t said this though), I feel like I am in limbo not knowing what is going on. I have told him I like him and given him tokens of love as he said men like to be pursued sometimes too. But still, no romantic talk from him, no pet names, no expressing his feelings, I am not even sure he really is into me now. But he still continues to contact me.
Carley

July 23, 2015 at 4:01 pm

Hi Chris,
My boyfriend of a year just broke up with 2 weeks ago and I did the NC rule for a week and a half of it, but yesterday he texted me multiple times getting angry with me. I just simply replied that I needed space then he just got more angry with me and went on a rampage. Then at the end told me he would contact me again but I’m so mad at myself for telling him I wanted space. Now I just don’t know what I should do?

Jassabelle

July 30, 2015 at 8:26 pm

Start no contact all over

Abby

July 21, 2015 at 3:10 am

I recently purchased your e book and I read it all at once. Your book really makes sense to me. I’ve been dating a guy who I completely am in love with, and we broke up a week ago today. We are both 20, and in college and lately we’ve been fighting a lot. He says I yell at him 24/7 and I think he doesn’t listen to what I say. It was one big cycle. Last week we got into a big fight over something dumb and he ended it. I tried to tell him we need to work it out, but all he kept saying was we can’t be together in these circumstances. He reiterated over and over how much he loves me and wants to be with me, but we can’t as of now. It makes it more difficult that he leaves to intern in California (3000 miles away) August 20th. He is out there every 4 months and it sucks. Do you think we have a shot of making it? I miss him so much already even though I understand he doesn’t want to constantly be fighting and it got to be too much for him. He mentioned talking again when he gets home in December but I feel like I will go crazy. I started NC last Thursday and I’m going strong. I’m surprised he hasn’t texted me yet because he normally does after a fight so I am kind of worried. I keep remembering that he did say a lot of times that he loves me, so that’s good right? My mom heard me crying on the phone with him because I was upset at something he said and she took the phone from me and said “we need to act like adults or end it all together, I am sick of my daughter crying.” Like any protective mom would do. My ex and my family other wise have a GREAT relationship so I think he felt attacked. My mom wrote him a 2 page letter explaining her remorse for what she did and wants him to know that he is a good person and she is sorry. Do you think he’s just upset about everything and could possibly want me back? We’ve broken up once before in March over something bigger than this and we ended up not talking for a week and got back together. I know he has no interest in other girls, I’m just suprised he gave up completely. Do you think there is hope for us? 🙁 I don’t get why he’s being so glass half empty about it. I said we need to work on ourself and he mentioned it’s impossible because of what my mom did. Ugh I need advice. Thank you.

Abby

July 21, 2015 at 3:18 am

Also I should mention that we are the type to talk all day everyday. So this cutting each other off thing is weird, usually I am the one to contact him he has always been the one that wants to “chill and cool off” so is this normal? I’m afraid he will never talk to me again 🙁

dela

July 19, 2015 at 5:56 pm

Hi Chris…..I have some questions?……I was in a long distance relationship for 6 months and broke up over a text lie.The text lie was from him saying he was getting his phone ext cut off for 12-15 years.He was really acting like that was happening.After that night, I was sick and could not sleep until 4:30 am.The next day I texted him saying love you I’ll miss you, he received.The next day after, I tried again and he responded saying it’s getting cut of that day.I was so upset that he lied to me, but then I lied to him, but apologized for all from the bottom of my heart.I couldn’t stay mad over what happened because I lied too.I ended everything with a simple fun quote that said something like “If you think about problems they double, but when you laugh about them, they turn into bubbles”… .Maybe it was pay back or something I don’t really know.After that happened he hasn’t texted me at all.I love him so much and tried my best to be the best for him.Ive been through a lot my personal self as in having aniexty disorders such as one main Atelophobia (fear of not being good enough).But back to us…. We as a couple had lots of fun times together and had sexy fun times as well.He is 19.I remember reading your post about how men’s ages do affect relationships.Am so happy you exposed that side of men and young males.I really had no idea that affects much of his opinions or actions towards things.He said he never had a girlfriend and still has virgin lips and .Maybe that’s the reason why he isn’t responding as much.When I would ask him like how he feels or like emotions he would always say “am good”. Another I noticed he said when we broke up during that text lie was ” maybe that’s what we need to do idk” ( as in breaking up).He says it so much it gets annoying, that I don’t know thing he does.But yeah…..We met on insta and texted on kik( texting app) that’s what we ended our relationship on (kik)…..I love him with all my heart and can’t see myself with another man.He is everything I could as for…….my question is when I ended the moment with that quote and said love you see you later, will the no contact rule work still work?…,Or will it not because I said see you later?…… Will I be able to get him back after the no contact rule?….. And Do you think he is just being young and will realize?…..Thank you Chris☺️!
SARAH

July 17, 2015 at 7:46 pm

Hi Chris!
About 2 days ago my ex-boyfriend broke up with me. We started dating about 2-4 months ago and it was mostly me doing the effort in it. To me and some of my other friends, he was very flirty with other girls and didn’t like that i felt that way. Also, I was very busy for about a month and till now because I’m helping my family with business then he hated that i never had time to talk (communication was important due to it being a long distance relationship). Then one night (2-3 days ago) he said we needed to talk. I tried to talk to him but he didn’t even try to resolve our problem, only I tried, but nicely and not being pushy about it, but he right away wanted to end it. So i said “ok i understand……. goodnight”. i haven’t contacted him in 2-3 days and will continue with NC but two problems are occurring. You see next week then in the two first weeks in August I am going to camp events and I know he’s going and I know he’s the type of person to want to talk to me, even if we did break up, but i dont want to break the NC rule, so what should I do? Also, he hugs every single one of the girls, and i know he’ll ask for a hug, I think with no contact, hugs shouldn’t be allowed, so how can i go about avoiding that? (he insists on hugging you even if you don’t want one)
If you could get back to me that’d be great!
Thanks!
Symone

July 17, 2015 at 11:37 am

Hey Chris. I appreciate you helping me along with other women out here. A little background: I have a child with my ex after 3 1/2 years. We were engaged. We’ve been broken up for 3 months now. He’s the Stubborn/Angry type. Before I read your articles, I messed up and texted/called too much and got too emotional. Said/did some things I shouldn’t have. He would be nice(give me time of day), then he would be mean (short one worded texts), then nice (sending throwback pics of us), mean again (I dont want you back, get off my line), then sociable(told me he’s horny), then mean again (I didnt want to tell you about her, but you asked directly so I answered) and I would react every time (sad I know). He did apologize for talking to me rudely though. Just yesterday, I asked him did he find someone else and he said yes. I broke down. He’s unfriended me from FB twice now and threatened to block my phone number. I started the NC today, after reading your material last night. I also am in the process of filing child support, but then he told me last minute that he would send me support after I already started the process (it’s not final yet I have until Monday). His grandmother told me that he waited a long time before he went on booty calls. We’re also 2 1/2 hours away from each other (same state). I want him back, I’ve always loved him and I want my child to have his father figure actually be his father. Most of this just happened starting from Sunday this week up till yesterday. My question is did I lose him completely, is it too late now?
Craig

July 17, 2015 at 8:42 am

Hi Chris,

My ex broke up with me three weeks ago as I planned to say goodbye to someone who was leaving the country. Trouble is things happened with this person beforehand and I had agreed to no contact with them. He saw a message on my phone asking to meet and the day later ended things after a year and a half. Things have always been great with him. I broke no contact today and again I was shut down with ‘you need to move on’ and a ‘clear line was crossed’ He is a stubborn person which makes me think he wont change his mind? Any suggestions?

Thanks
Amaya

July 15, 2015 at 11:48 pm

Hey Chris,
My boyfriend and I were together for 6 months but broke up 3 days ago (offically). We had been going back and forth, together then not together because he had family issues going and was stressed. I got tired of the back and forth limbo and told him, “The break up is fine. I’m done with the back and forth stuff. I hope everything with his family works out for the best,” to which he responded, “Ok, I still love you.” I never responded and haven’t since I told him I was done which was 3 days ago. My problem is the NC rule. His bday is coming up and I feel like if I don’t say happy birthday to him it’ll hurt his feeling and he’ll think I don’t care about him or that I hate him (he’s pretty dramatic when it comes to this stuff). Do I break the rule and just say happy birthday and resume my silence OR do I not say anything? Thank you in advance.

Chris Seiter

July 16, 2015 at 6:07 pm

Nope… I don’t recommend breaking NC even for that.

Ana Gabriela Aquino

July 7, 2015 at 11:40 am

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend and I broke up a month and two weeks ago. I did the NC rule perfectly, he talked to me 4 weeks after the breakup (exactly one month after) but it was a very particular way of talking, he started sending pictures of us to me, like 20 pictures, and wrote me when he saw I left the message seen: I had a lot of things I haven’t sent you. I just ignored this text. Now, my question is: Should I wait for him to talk again or should I approach him telling him something? Please I don’t know which step to take here.
lo

July 6, 2015 at 8:28 am

Hey chris im 22 from Ethiopia ,my english is not that good but there it goes ; So i dated who i taught was the love of my life ( also 22 btw )for 364 days he dumped me a day before our one year anniversary i begged him to think abiut it and to reconsider his decisions,its been alnost a month now and we still contact each other get intimate (i know uts wring i regret it) he has done so many things and i forgave him every time,durubg our relationship we used ti fight a lot but then make up riggt away we have been through so much together (health issues,faniky,school,work),we always told each other we should move out and live together ,get married we agreed we wanted to to the promise rubg thibg for our anniversary but all of ut just faded away when he dumped me he says he still loves me but he just cant forget what happened ,the reasin he says he cant be in a relationship with me anymore is because before we started dating ny ex asked ne ti marry him nothing seriius just a suggestion kinda thing no ring and all and i said no because i honestly did not even take it seriously ; after me and ny current ex started dating i only told him that that person was just an ex and that we dated in hugh school never lived him or anything but we were pretty serious after that he hates that guy and always mentioned him during our fights and told me to call him and be with him but when we make up that guy was forgotten again, anyway my current ex says thats the only reason why we broke up i dont understand ?
So i finally decide to just not call and do the no contact rule but whenever i start doing it he calls and says hey i just wanted to see how your doing, i just wanted to call,im outside your house can we talk yada yada yada ,its almost a month now since we broke up and i am so confused in what to do im an emotional wreck my first love just dumped me i feel like hes taking it so well and im the one who’s not movibg on i want him back what should i do ? PLEASE HELP here in Ethiopia i cant realky talk to anyone abiut things like this very untraditional i am stuck with my own advices and opinions which i think are horrible pkease help me i want him back so bad but i hate him as well for being so cold and did what he did . HELP !!!!

Chris Seiter

July 8, 2015 at 11:36 pm

Ethiopia…

WOW!

It’s amazing to me that this site gets attention from all around the world.

Well, how long have you been in the NC rule for?

Nerea

July 5, 2015 at 1:28 pm

Good afternoon, Mr. Seiter;
Let me explain my case briefly:
My boyfriend and me were together for 5 months, but on 30th June he broke up with me because his life is a mess, currently. He has tomake his mind about important decissions, he´s overwhelmed with work and doesn´t feel able to maintain a relationship that makes me happy. At least that was his explanation, and he also said he would contact me if he feels better. Since we really didn´t argue, I hope he will eventually get back to the picture.

I´ve been using the NC rule since then and I know it won´t be a problem for me because it´s number 1 rule that my mother has teached me. I have read all your articles and took notes on the most important things, but I have serious doubts:

As you write in this post, there´s a probability that he gets angry if he tries to reach you but you don´t break your NC. While that´s a good thing, if he writes: “WTH is wrong with you, why don´t you answer?” or something like that, How are you supposed to write back when the NC is over?

Do you ignore the fact that he is angry and just write something nice? Do you apologize by saying that you needed to take distance as well? I still have time to think my strategy because it isn´t even a week since NC started, but this really worries me. Of course I want him to miss me, but I don´t want him to think I´m laughing at him, if you know what I mean.

Thank you so much in advance

Chris Seiter

July 8, 2015 at 11:41 pm

You can call me Chris!

No, you just ignore the fact.

Though if he goes crazy angry and sends a minimum of 7 texts in a row you can break NC early.

Tanya

July 3, 2015 at 10:48 am

Hi Chris,
I am so glad to have come across your site.
I met this guy online for some professional reason, and we hot it off immediately – I am a pretty happenning girl, down to earth, and attractive. He pursued me for a couple of months, became busy once in a while like me.. and then started distancing.
I avoided “the talk”, but almost after five months, i brought it up, and he did not respond. We broke up two weeks back, him coming and saying that it was a casual fling, and that I deserved better. I personally feel that i became kinda clingy towards the end, messaging him far more than he did.
thrd week on ( sooo difficult), but i am not sure if the NC will work here , and that in your opinion, is it a male mentaility to be commitment-phobic, or taking the casual fling (friends with benefit thng) – I clearly told jim I do not want a FWB.
Pls suggest.
Lily

July 1, 2015 at 7:04 am

Hi Chris!
I’ve been over the web for so many times reading and searching, i’ve heard about the no contact rule before but never had the courage to try it until now. i’m in the middle of the second week now, not sure if i will be strong enough to finish it and not sure if it works in my situation, please bare with me and listen to my problem and let me know what you think.
I’ve been in-love with this guy for so many years now , he was a colleague and did not want to have any relation with me, after a while I left work and got married to another time and stopped all contacts with him. of course i didn’t forget him and i married the wrong guy, after 3 years I filed for a divorce and contacted him again. Then surprisingly he respond really positively and we start a secret ‘some kind of a long distance relation’ he told me how attracted he was to me and and and … He is the kind of guy who can have any girl he wants, he is so confidant, calm, secretive, very very paranoid and he have a huge fear of commitment. He will be 40 years old in few months. He had a long term relationship ended up by breaking up after 9 years and i think it ruined him!
We started this secret relation in April 2013 because he’s so paranoid and don’t want anyone to know, don’t want any problems with my EX husband.. and lots of other thing, we agreed that what ever this relation is, there is no commitment, no guarantees. I said yes to all his conditions because I’m head over heals and I would do anything to keep him! and now for more than 2 years we’ve been on and off, one day he says he love everything about me, we go on a secret vacation together, he fly to spend a 24 hours with me, then next day he say i’m not the image he is looking for in a wife! For those past 2 years with him I was clingy, making drama every time he leave, then after a while I talk again and he comes back and we starts things again, of-course according to his rules. At the beginning of last month he flue to the country where I am spend 12 hours with me and flue back to his country. After that I texted him few times then I just felt that I need more, he rarely text me, I don’t even know what he feels for me and when he was with I felt some kind of new closeness so i though I made a progress and something changed. then I texted him and having a conversation with him about us, he ended up telling me again that i’m perfect and nothing wrong with me but it’s just i’m not the vision of what he wants in a wife , i’m different and he wants different many things! he said i’m more than a friend and it’s as any 2 people who date and break up but the thing is that we are never breaking up for good!
After this conversation he said good night, i kissed him good night I was very mature about it and that was it. I stopped contact, it’s been 11 days since I stopped contact but the thing is he didn’t initiate any contact too!
SO what do you think ? will this no contact rule work in my case? especially that I used to text him every 2 days, telling him how much I love him and he used to respond to me.. so now i’m sure he notice that I stopped texting for 10 days!
Please let me know ! Thank you

Chris Seiter

July 9, 2015 at 12:28 am

Where are you struggling with NC right now?

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1,382 thoughts on “The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule”