The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule- What Is He Thinking?

1,386 thoughts on “The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule”

Melodie

November 4, 2015 at 6:02 pm

Hello Chris,
I’ve been looking at your pages for a while now. My boyfriend of almost three years broke up with me two months ago. He really wanted to be friends so I was trying to force myself to be his friend. I made a drunk call, made a few mistakes that really got to him. We hung out a few times and it felt like old times when we did. But those mistakes hit him hard. He fell out of love with me. I believe a lot of it has been through this breakup. Now I am implementing the 30 day no contact rule, but he is the one who started the break from eachother. After he started the break he kept saying that he doesn’t want to say goodbye and he said he really appreciated me during our relationship. His thought for breaking up first was because he doesn’t want a relationship. He wants to go to Montana and he is trying to figure out his life. And trust me, it is not another girl. This is the sweetest man ever. I feel like he is really confused in his life. But he said he isn’t in love with me. Is he just saying that to make things easier on him? Because I see potential in him. Even if he isn’t in love with me, can he fall back in love? We are also eachothers first love. We used to talk about being together forever, but we ended up getting a house together and everything fell apart. We lived together at my dads, but it wasn’t a big responsibility. I really think he is stressed out and he told me he isn’t ready to settle. He wants to be friends, but he said he can’t handle it right now. He cries if he sees me cry. He also said he could see us being together in the future. He had all these visions when we first broke up and said even if it’s two years from now, if he wants me back then he will fight for me… Will the 30 day no contact be beneficial? If I don’t get him back then I could be his friend and then get him back when he is ready for a relationship?
Star

November 3, 2015 at 5:36 pm

Chris –

I have read a decent amount of your content on this site and I really value your insight. I would like to ask for some input on my personal situation because it has been driving me insane and has become hurtful. In a way, I am proud of myself for completing the “No Contact” step successful… but in the same sense, I feel awful! I’m also very afraid to actually reach out now that the “No Contact” is long over with. I’m confused, scared and just want this to all be over with! If you would agree to hear my full story and email me your suggestions, advice and input, I would be SO thankful! I understand if you are too busy though. I was just hoping to get solid input from someone who is really good and knowledgeable with stuff like this! Thanks so much ahead of time!
Annie

November 2, 2015 at 7:07 pm

heya … i just stated … the nc… ..mmmmm …. aftr reading ur 3 articles … i really feel cnfidnt ..in myslf .. now .. i would … like to explain my relation situations… which was before brkup … he was constantly .. begging me fr brkup .. n i was constantly begging him to sty … n this was sceenario of last 3-4 months … and he wants brkup bcz …. accrding to him .. he was not able to give me happiness which i deserve … n .. ultimtly … we brkup last mnth … aftr tht … we were tlking … bt ..few dys bck we fght again … n thn aftr a long fight … i stpd txtng him … n.. the last msg was his … n ..from last 3 days i hv not communicated with him … bt .. we 2 are added to a same whtsapp grp .. n.. my Qs are like ..
1. shld i sty in tht whtsapp grp n ignore him .. or should i leave!!
2. will he come bck :/ !!?
C.H.

October 29, 2015 at 10:59 pm

Hey Chris,
I will try and give you the condensed version. We dated for year no commitment. I was at the point where I had to go one way or another he didn’t want a relationship and made it perfectly clear. I was very successful with slowly disappearing from his life and decided to Just to clear my head and gain a grip on my emotions I did a 30 NC. At the end I decided that I was better off and wasn’t interested in seeing him anymore. I SERIOUSLY considered ghosting him but figured after a year of dating that would make me a major B####. So I initiated contact and TRIED to break things off for good. Words cannot explain how happy this guy was to hear from me and did not want things to end and started talking marriage, kids, progressing forward with a relationship! HUH???!! This dude is confusing the hell out of me and I am thinking of going another 30 days just because I have absolutely no idea which way to respond!
Sofia

October 28, 2015 at 8:10 pm

I met this guy my junior year of high school. We hung out occasionally during my senior year because he was away at school. I graduated & summer of 2014 rolled around. He asked me to hangout all summer & things got pretty serious (he met my family I met his, etc.) I knew there was an end date though because he would leave for the military come October 2014. We hung out more & more & it felt like we were dating. Before he left for boot camp I had the “what are we talk.” He said he didn’t see us as bf/gf, which caught me off guard. The only communication that we had while he was away were via letters. In one letter he referred to me as his girlfriend which through me for a loop. I was off at a university when he graduated boot camp. In all of his letters he said that he’d visit me…he didn’t. He went off to more training & we didn’t talk. Valentine’s Day comes & I receive a text from him. It was short like he wanted to catch up. Finally in March he asks if he were done talking. I said I think we should worry about our own lives at least until I graduate from the university & he’s done with the military. I am extremely good at cutting people off & that’s what I did. 7 weeks ago after 6 months of no contact I receive a text from him. We’ve been talking about everyday – text, phone calls, facetime – something we never did before. He told me he loved me & that he wants me back. I’m not quite sure how to take this. I can’t tell if he’s messing with me or not. My family and best friend hate him but I feel like he’s a completely different person. What does this mean?
laura

October 27, 2015 at 6:54 am

Hi I do love your writings I keep coming back to read and remind myself of NC. I broke up 3 month ago after almost 2 years of the relationship. We were hanging out casually as friends but then I couldn’t take it anymore and started NC. On my day 4 he started contacting until yesterday day 9. Yesterday he told me it’s going to be his last try and that he wants to apologize and check on me. I’m not sure whether it’s even a good sign because he always seems so cool and calm about it. He cares about me still but I guess as a friend. Do you think it’s a good sign and should i continue for good? thank you

Chris Seiter

December 4, 2015 at 2:10 pm

Do you think his apology will include him wanting to get back with you or do you think he wants closure? If he wants closure then ignore him and continue with the plan.
laura

October 27, 2015 at 7:00 am

I just got scared because I feel like he wouldn’t contact me back after NC have a good day

nala

October 22, 2015 at 3:48 pm

I am dealing with a guy who is alternating between being happy, angry and neutral.

I was never in a full-on relationship with him but we were quite close and it was really rocky between us with a lot of fights. He was originally open to the idea of a real relationship but has changed his mind saying there’s too much drama. He says i “don’t know how much the drama bothered him”. I’m trying to get him interested in a relationship again.
After a 2 week no contact period we are talking again and its confusing. He teases me a lot and gets very flirty and there’s a lot of happy banter…. but the smallest thing gets him suddenly really angry, he’s acting like he’s still oversensitive from our past fights.
Other days he acts like he just doesn’t care and seems distant and uninterested and i feel like im bothering him.

How do I handle him, does he need another no contact period? I’m confused coz it’s like he changes every few days towards me at the moment.

nala

October 24, 2015 at 12:00 pm

He doesn’t really bring up the past but he gets mad about new things that remind him of our past arguments – things he would have never gotten angry about a year ago. Overreacts to small and seemingly innocent things
Chris Seiter

October 23, 2015 at 8:27 pm

Two weeks doesn’t qualify as NC. That’s probably why your seeing those alterations in his moods. If you do two weeks nc and then keep going back and forth between nc and talking, your going to put yourself in a hot and cold relationship. You should be strict about doing no contact and do it for 30 days this time. You shouldn’t bring up the past at all and if he does change the subject.

Belle

October 22, 2015 at 11:13 am

What do you do when after non contact the first thing he responds with when you contact him is ‘We arent getting back together’?…….we have broken up before and got back together so i feel like hes really on his guard.

Chris Seiter

November 19, 2015 at 1:40 pm

What kind of text elicited a response like that? Did you talk about getting back together?

Nat

October 20, 2015 at 9:29 pm

Hi Chris,

My boyfriend and I broke up two months ago. It was very sudden and nasty on both ends. He got scared and ripped the rug essentially from under me by saying he just “can’t do this” or “intersect his life with anyone else”. After a few days I gave in, and contacted him crying saying sorry and asked to talk and he shut me down. After a few more weeks of fighting via texts, I gave in and started NC. He wrote me saying sorry two weeks later and I replied only for him to disappear again. I began NC again for the second time and on the 30th day (yesterday) he initiated contact with me me saying sorry (yet again), but still continues to be stubborn and refuses to discuss things in detail/ in person with me. At this point I could go with or without him because I refuse to subject myself to someone who refuses to meet me 1/2 way, but I still want a face to face conversation to understand all of this/ his reasoning (we still haven’t seen each other since the day we broke up). I’m at a standstill and do not know what to do. Thanks.

Chris Seiter

October 22, 2015 at 1:37 am

Did he say why he wanted to break up? What was the specific reason?

kerise

October 20, 2015 at 9:41 am

I am very interested in a man I have had a close long distance friendship with. We were interested in each other and talked about dating. He said he did not want a long distance relationship but would want to see where things would go if I lived closer. Still, we continued talking and flirting all the time and it felt like we were dating, at least to me.

I became possessive, insecure and more intense than he was ready for. We began fighting quite a lot, he said the fighting was really stressing him, backed off gradually and eventually ended it after a year, treating me just as a platonic friend.

I did a 2 week no contact period and limited contact for about 2 weeks after that. At first he contacted me saying how much less drama he has in his life without me, but then he started warming up, initiating conversations, becoming nicer and eventually very flirty again and weve stopped fighting.

But i still feel stuck… I am currently much closer geographically than I was, but only for 3 months. Still long distance but a lot closer – about 3 hours away now. I would like to use this time period to get to know him better and spend time with him, especially as we’re both currently off work tIL at least christmas. I wont have another chance like this to spend a lot of time with him for a long time but i also dont wanna push anything when things are still fragile.

He is talking to me most days and has been flirting with me heavily, but hasn’t invited me over and seems resistant to seeing me in person or even on webcam. I’m not sure what’s happening or what I can do. We’ve been talking regularly again for about 3 weeks. I’m confused because he is being quite sexually intense with me but making no move to actually meet and do the things he talks about. I haven’t seen him since last year and miss him terribly.
Sabria

October 14, 2015 at 3:44 am

Hi Chris – this is my situation. I slapped my husband 4 months ago due to jealousy (which he kept denied). He told me I hurt his ego and we went throught separation – until now. He stays in his parents’ house, so do I. I am the perfect example of a needy and desperate wofe who wants her husband back — crying, begging, stalking, trying to get him back through his friends and family — no success. Things went worse since he involved his whole family. I continuously sending him messages-sometimes he replied, sometimes he doesn’t, but I can sum up it was all dry messages, no emotions involved. I’ve been trying NC method and failed it successfully (shame on me) that I am so desperate and think that there is no way we csn get back together.
Here is the problem:
1. I promise him that I’m changing into a better wife, but he gives me no chance to show it to him. How can I show it to him?
2. I can tell how hurtful he is. I tried to see him once but he didn’t want to see me. He didn’t even say sorry for not showed up. Will NC method works well on us? Considering he’s been ignoring me so well and looks like he loathes me. Thank you for responding it, Chris.

Chris Seiter

October 16, 2015 at 2:09 am

1. Sometimes you have to show it to him indirectly
2. I think it really can work.

mary

October 10, 2015 at 2:07 pm

I follow to the core your advises. Its been 47 days since I broke up with him. There was no cheating involved. He is acting like a victim. He sends me messages regarding a business we ran together. Things he wants to know. I have contacted him twice thrue email. And no answer. I broke up with him because we had no communication other than work related. I know he loves me we have been together 4 years. Why isn’t he responding. How long will it take.
artgirl

October 9, 2015 at 4:16 am

I have tried the full 30 – 45 days of no contact with guys before in the past. And it never worked…usually I never get a response and then I would wait another week or two and try again and still nothing until eventually I would just give up. When is the best time to give up? What are some reasons the NC rule wont work? I never had a terribly bad breakup with any of them. Usually they were just mutual at the time or we just got annoyed with eachother and fought. Other than that it wasn’t anyhting bad. So why didn’t it work?
Cindy

October 9, 2015 at 1:39 am

Hi Chris, me and my ex broke up a week ago because he said that he got back with his ex. And i was doing my NC since then. However, i just wonder if he cheated on me. If he and his ex did not broke up( which he told me that he broke up with his ex when he dated me). Is he miss me? We had a good time together and he text me every single day for 1 and half year straight. I can feel his love, but all of the suddent, he broke with me. And, the day before break up, he even asked me to go travel together. So we had no argument before we broke up. And we barely had argument in our relationship. I love him and care for him and he knew it. I just wonder why he get back with his ex? Even he is not really love her? He keep saying sorry to me, but no contact since the day we broke up. (one quick question, what you think if he has sexual issue such as ED?) is that any chance that i can get him back since he did not text me for a week now
Trina

October 7, 2015 at 3:28 pm

Nice website Chris,

I’ve actually used no contact twice in my life but didn’t realize it was a “rule” each time I did reunite with my ex’s but no contact was used once for two months and once for two weeks. I’m currently using it again after being dumped. It’s been two weeks and he wrote a letter of apology after I left his apartment after him telling me I invited myself into his life. By the time I got home he had sent a letter of apology that I didn’t respond to and he has sent a few text messages. We are so much alike and can be unpredictable. He probably is surprised that I’m not blowing up his phone becAuse that’s what I would have normally done. Now he’s sending short text weekly asking how I’m doing. After 30 days I think I’ll just write and say I’m ok just needed to take care of a few emergencies. thise emergencies are taking care of myself and making sure I’m staying on track at work. I have totally neglected myself for 3 months trying to show him how much I care for him. It’s time to build myself back up. This is indeed an emergency. I’m not 25 anymore.

Trina

October 12, 2015 at 10:12 pm

Actually, I told him he wanted his cake and to eat it too and at this point is where he said he didn’t eant anything and that I invited myself there etc… Initially we had planned it together but I guess he forgot. I asked him twice “so there’s nothing going on between you and I” and he just sat there and I so changed my flight back … The night before I left he played Adele “someone like you” and Alicia keys “if I ain’t got you”… He mentioned In his letter that he wish he had the courage to talk to me before I left.
Trina

October 12, 2015 at 9:51 pm

He had to move away for work. We were friends for three years up till that point. I was miserable at work focused on my changing careers rather than trying to date him. I never led him on. After I got my job I was ready to try it with him. I felt more secure in life but he he announces he was leaving. We did hang out for two months before he left without putting titles on it and he was very lovey dovey and tender. I became a little needy the last three weeks before he left but never crying or anything. After he left I had an anxious moment one night and sent him 5 text in a row. Nothing bad just typical “why aren’t you answering the phone” I miss you etc… He said he didn’t want to date long distance and don’t want me to move for him. After two months I visited him ( in sept) and things were good the first two days the third day I informed him I was coming back for Halloween and he said “we’ll see and said he didn’t want to plan” and basically I told him I’m not desperate and didn’t want to be anyone’s number two. I asked why he texted me so much and he said it meant nothing. I kept calm and changed my ticket back to my city and the morning when I left he didn’t get up to hug me goodbye. He said have a good flight and I left. When I landed he sent a email saying he apologize for being so harsh with me and he appreciate the house warming gift I bought but thought it was best I know what to expect from him. He can never say directly “I don’t want to be with you” it’s like I’m a fallback plan that he text everyday just in case. meanwhile he chased me for 3 years or maybe he was only trying to seduce me for three years. I went into NC as soon as I left and at 21 days now. I do love him and its hard ignoring him but he hasn’t sent any more text since day 14. I’m going back for Halloween and not for him but because I wanted to be there anyway for Halloween. My 30 days are up 7 days before Halloween and I’m thinking about touching base to say hi. Thoughts?
Chris Seiter

October 11, 2015 at 7:16 am

Do you mind if I ask what caused the breakup?

Hazel

October 7, 2015 at 6:53 am

Hi Chris! Is there a chance of my ex going back if he broke up with me because he said he wants to try something new? I begged him and became needy in the last days of our relationship then he said he lost feelings for me (in a matter of days) and wanted to break up. I finally agreed. I made no contact and broke it on day 5. I said I want to talk, not to beg him but for closure. He agreed but he cancelled due to his sched. I asked him if we can do it the next day, but he didn’t respond, and since that, I never contacted him again. I deactivated my twitter, never used my fb, instagram, tumblr. I deleted every social network apps on my phone! I don’t stalk him as well and I don’t want any news about him. I told my friends and family not to give me any info about him.
However, he is confusing me. My family had a bonding (at a grill, my cousins and aunts and sibs), and my cousin posted about it on fb (pics which I was tagged). My ex liked it. And my cousin also tweeted about it, I was also tagged and my ex favorited it as well. I learned all this through my cousin because when she updated and tweeted it, my ex liked and favorited it right away so she told me. This is kind of a big deal for me because this is during no contact and he didn’t even care about my posts when we were in the verge of breaking up; he wasn’t liking it, even when I changed profile pic on fb! And on twitter, he wasn’t favoriting my tweets or replying to me. Why is he doing that?
And here’s another. When we broke up, we had an agreement not to change anything on social media yet because I don’t want to deal with the people’s reactions yet. I told him to give it at least three months. He agreed. But last week, he changed his profile picture already (according to my friend, I know they’re so annoying for telling me these things lol). It wasn’t even a month since our break up (it’s been only 3 1/2 weeks) and he already changed it! He knew that it would hurt me when he change his profile picture because I told him that before but he did it anyway. Why is he doing this?
I didn’t do anything about it, I didn’t do the “revenge.” I still just kept quiet. I don’t want him to think that I am still reacting to his actions.

Anyway, it’s my day 30 of pure no contact. And I am proud of myself. I don’t have any urge to contact him. I’m feeling good but I miss him sometimes. I think I don’t want to get back together with him but I just want to feel wanted after he left me, I want him to want me? Do you get me? I am confident and much prettier right now (accdg to others lol) because I am taking really good care of myself during this no contact period. I am wearing prettier clothes now and treated myself a lot lately. 🙂

He also never contacted me during the 30 days. He is a narcissist. Haha.
Jillian

October 6, 2015 at 8:28 am

Hi Chris,

My ex broke up with me a week before I went to work in the US for 2 weeks. I implemented the NC rule and on day 25 he text me to see if I was back. I replied with a short ‘yes xx’ I shared a picture of my hire car ( he is into cars) and he replied within 30 seconds saying ‘Im not jealous at all 🙁 lol xx’
Where do I go from here? He knows that i want things to work out between us ( I told him this in our last conversation) , it is him that ended things.
Do I now wait and see if he contacts me again- or do I try to initiate a telephone conversation? I dont want to be the one chasing him around, I made that mistake when we were together. I am higher value than that.
I did say to him when he broke up with me that I could not do the ‘keep in touch’ friends thing. I dont want to be dangled on a string excited that he may still want to be with me, when all he is doing is checking I am OK to make himself feel OK.
I am a little confused on what to do next. Could you help me please?

Jillian

October 9, 2015 at 9:37 am

Does anyone know how long comments take to be posted on here?

Alex

October 3, 2015 at 7:16 pm

Chris I dont think you’ve written an article on this topic yet, but I would like to know what you think about this.
I notice that you focus on getting an ex back via no contact which the way you suggest implementing it is brilliant. However what if the aim is to get a certain behavior to stop, like him talking to other women and being a constant flirt to the point that women have accepted his advances. We’ve been together almost two years and whenever we have a fight and I say Im done (which we always makeup within a day or two) but he always quickly has a backup to go on a date with due to him always communicating with women while we’re together. I found this out by going through his phone and his response was that he can’t help himself, yet he wants to marry me and have kids … I don’t get it.
I texted him 4 days ago and told him I’m done dealing with this from him and he can feel free to talk to whoever he wants. Ever since then he’s been a nervous wreck calling me all the time and leaving messages saying how he doesn’t want to lose me and that he can’t live without me and that he’s miserable, but he never once said he will change his behavior in any of the messages.
My question is do you think his behavior will change and if so will the no contact for 30 days help with that change or is this a lost cause?

Chris Seiter

October 6, 2015 at 4:10 am

Interesting…

That is a difficult thing to accomplish indeed.

There are so many variables and generally speaking change is possible BUT extremely difficult.

LISSA

October 2, 2015 at 4:41 am

HE IS SOOO CHARMING CHRIS!!! I started no contact a week ago and I really miss him but I’m staying strong, I’ve already decided that I wil do this! The only thing is that he keeps calling and apologizing via text, he has sent flowers to my job and he is expressing his love in every way he can. But he does this everytime he does something wrong and I ignore him for a couple days then I give in.
My problem now is that I’m pretty much done with this 2 year relationship, he constantly talks to females on fb, he signs up on dating sites, he seeks women out in every way he can although I honestly dnt believe he’s had relations with any of them, but still I’ve expressed how it makes me feel, and eventually its gonna happen if the opportunity arise i feel. On top of that he has anger issues and makes very disrespectful jokes about everything anytime anyplace, that he really doesn’t think people should take serious.
I am willing to take him back after the no contact period if he has gotten some help for his anger management and his disrespectfully rude jokes…otherwise I will not look back.
What should I do if he doesn’t get the help himself by the end of the 30 days? Should I talk to him about getting help one last time or just assume he doesn’t care enough since he didn’t get the help (we’ve had many discussions about it and he’s never followed through) Also, if he has gotten the help he needs with his anger issues, what do I do about his problem with always seeking women out … he claimed that he does it because it turns him on to talk to hot women that he may never get a chance to be with (I’m pretty hot, but he likes black girls with a nice figure and a massive ass lol…. that I don’t necessarily have ? … I’m hot with a nice body but not a great big butt so I dnt knw if he’ll always be talking to women with a big butt since physically that’s just what he likes. WHAT DO YOU THINK ??? (I’m black he’s greek)

LISSA

October 2, 2015 at 6:01 pm

Wooow!!! Thanks for responding !!!!! ???Can u please explain why you say 21 days instead … also do u have any thoughts on my other questions that I asked?? Thanks in advance
Chris Seiter

October 2, 2015 at 4:08 pm

I actually think you can probably lower your NC to 21 days!

nicki_m

September 27, 2015 at 4:01 pm

Chris- I have commented on your site many times and never get a response back but i would SO appreciate one if you even see this. My ex contacted me towards the end of my NC period it was about a week before the end and i responded we did not speak about anything serious. However since then i reached out once to him to see how he was doing and we spoke briefly and then i haven’t heard from him since. I see him often and we don’t speak but he has looked at me intensely as he did when we first met with a look that says, to me at least, he is still very attracted to me. Then sometimes he will barely acknowledge my presence and seem to want to avoid seeing me at all. Sometimes i want to just give up and move on and then i think i put in all this work during the NC period and this person means something to me i don’t want to give up with out at least trying. What is your advice for me?

Chris Seiter

October 1, 2015 at 6:15 pm

Sorry about that Nicki,

No one is guaranteed a response anymore since I get so many comments.

I basically have to pick and choose randomly but I choose you!

Tell me what have you been doing during NC to improve yourself. Half the battle of NC is that YOU get something positive from it. Check out my new article on NC.

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1,386 thoughts on “The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule”