How To Get A Long Distance Relationship Ex Boyfriend Back

5,234 thoughts on “The Complete Guide To Getting An Ex Boyfriend Back In A Long Distance Relationship”

Apple

October 28, 2013 at 3:25 pm

Dear Chris,

Thank you for your posts: NC, LDR, UG,making your ex back in love again…

My LDR BF broke up with me last week, saying he’s SURE doesn’t & won’t love me any more, and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me.

We dated half year, I started as the UG, had fun and we were serious. However, second half is cross-continent LDR, and we are in extreme different state of minds. He’s young, in fun every day thus has not much willingness to contact me since the LDR, totally different when we were in the same city. I lost my cool and pushed too hard to ask him to talk to me. Communication went wrong, he says we are too DIFFERENT on basic LIFE APPROACH,as his life attitude is not “pushing hard”, so he doesn’t love me any more. Truth is this is not ME,I just got lost. However, he’s sure the feeling is gone, no matter whether I’m still the same person or not.

I went stupid for 3 days, showing my heart (confessing my jealousy), analyzing what he said won’t be a problem for us. He’s still sure abt his feelings, but talked to me to help me get through. But then I decided to keep distance and take the NC rule, and I find myself a happy/positive/fun person again, when he fell in love with.

I have several questions for your advice since there’re some exceptions in my case.
1. Though I want to fight him back, however, since he’s really SURE he won’t fall in love w/ me again, (and he’s too immature to work a relationship out). Is it WISE to have a try?
2. We took a trial breakup without contacting for a week, then texted briefly for 2 weeks. I felt we are back on track, but he felt the feelings were totally gone during this period. Does this mean a high chance that NC won’t work for him, but drive him further away?
3. I’m vising him for 2 weeks as planned before we break up (too costly to cancel), and we’ll be doing lots of things just two of us. However, it is only 2 weeks after the break up. How can I keep the NC rule work?
4. Now I feel like the happy person he fell in love with again, like UG. But from a guy’s view, will he feel so again?
5. Basically I want to keep a friendly tone, and show this happy person to him, as a close friend. Now I have a dilemma: It’s less than 30 days of the NC rule, but I felt this trip creates many intimate opportunities in your LDR post, since we’ll spend lots of time just two of us. How do I utilize this? Keep the distance while utilize the intimate chances?

Looking forward to your reply!
Apple

admin

October 29, 2013 at 2:34 am

Is your name really Apple b/c if it is then you have the coolest name ever!

1. Only if you want it.
2. I think it can still work maybe you could shorten it a tiny bit if you are really that worried about it though.
3. Hmm… you really can’t if you are going to see just him. I guess have a fun time. I have a guide coming out about going on a date this week you may want to read that.
4. Only if you can show him/ reignite his feelings.
5. Honestly like I said I don’t think its possible in this case it is one or the other and I actually think spending time working on intimate chances is the way to go here. Don’t sleep with him though. That is my number one piece of advice for you. DO NOT SLEEP WIHT HIM!
Apple

October 29, 2013 at 6:30 am

Haha, thanks for answering all my questions despite the long text. And my name is Apple. 🙂

He texted me yesterday, but just asking how I was, because when he broke up with me, I was very sick, had major broke dowm, and he says he still cares abt me despite no love, will help me out of this. His mother is visiting him now, do you think is her advice, or is NC really working on HIM? Or he’s just being polite?

And be proud of me, I didn’t even bother answering!:)
admin

October 30, 2013 at 3:44 am

Coolest NAME EVER!

I am proud of you!

Maybe it is a combination of the three.
Apple

October 30, 2013 at 8:25 am

Just read your new post, and gonna download your book.

Need further advice about DETAILS in the 2 week travel with him next week.
1. My tactic is to thank him for breaking up, as I have found myself back, become very positive within in days (he said I’m always negative). I’m also shocked at how fast I’ve changed. If I can show him, will he be convinced? Or will he be shocked or even think I’m pretending all these to fight him back? For this tactic, I just wanna create a pleasant basis for our trip, changing into the pusher, then move forward.
2.As you said, I should use the intimate chances, but not sleeping with him. Do u think it’s proper to naturally touch his arm/face (like a friend) in a pleasant conversation and revive his feelings or even let him kiss me? Some friends say when he finally sees me again, maybe things will be different. Or it’s too fast?
3.having to stick together 24 hours is bad, I plan to party with his friends. Any other advices to create some spaces in such a case?

Sorry for having to bother you with all these questions, but this situation is too special and there’s no text book to follow. I don’t wanna screw this chance up. 🙂
admin

October 30, 2013 at 9:27 pm

1. I like your tactic and if you can show him he may be convinced. Showing him is the tough part though. You have a really really good grasp of this I am impressed.
2. I think it is. I even think kissing isn’t a bad idea as long as you kind of play hard to get a little bit. DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM THOUGH.
3. Hmm… don’t be afraid to go on excursions alone. Also, make new friends while you are there.

You aren’t bothering me 🙂
Apple

November 1, 2013 at 11:09 am

Coach Chris,

I am determined to get him back, following your guide:
– Upgraded my look, spirit, life (go out, post positive words/photos on FB, and he saw them.)
– Recalled his signs for love: I am his 1st serious GF though he has many close female friends in his past 24 years. (His family/friends even won’t believe he dumped me.)
-Reflection about LDR
.I gave in too fast, lost attraction
.It was mainly his fault, but I was also too clingy, negative, didn’t give enough love.
***When he stood me up for Skype (twice/week, audio only), I made “rules” to force him to talk, then he says we are too different, esp. LIFE APPROACHES, you don’t use rules to force life, but only do things if you want to. This makes him SURE that he won’t love me any more, the DIFFERENCE. However, it is not the real me.

However, I also analyzed the concerns that may screw my plans to get him back. I’m bad at male psychology, esp. an IMMATURE one, so need your coach, from a guy’s perspective
1. We had problems for 2 months, but really took him 2 weeks of sort of NC to be sure he won’t love me any more. I said you never know if you don’t try to find your feelings back. But he said he tried before, but he’s sure it won’t. Does he mean it? Or a big part is emotion.
2. I restored myself as the happy girl he loved, not the negative controlling and negative one on the phone (he even hasn’t seen me in video in 3 months, only photos). When I appear in front of him visually, which girl is he more likely to connect me with: the former or the latter?
3. During our trip, is it proper to bring up some nice memories we had, which you suggest doing usually after NC despite the concern below? And will he sense my intention to get him back from this move?
My concern: in the problematic time, I sent him photos of where we went on our first date, made plans for our coming anniversary… Things sounded fine from him as well, but after 2 days, he broke up with me.
4. I realized my mistakes, is it proper to apologize a bit if we have a relaxed chance to talk things openly? Or is it still too early, will I lose my attraction with this move?
5. I wanna keep a balance, draw his attraction back, hard to get, but not too hard so that he’ll give up. How he deals with his ex girlfriends and his life attitudes is: if things gets too hard, he won’t try to fight it back, kinda like give up things easily, he grew up always getting what he wants.
Which one shouldn’t I do to keep a proper balance? Thank him for the break up; tell him I’m happy; I’ve moved on; tell him I now smile about the good memories; this breakup has changed my life attitude into totally positive; 2 guys asked me out after the week we broke up…
6. I’m doing NC. But there’s also concern. Friends suggested when he finished his exchange he’ll be bored and think about me back. But seems no chance for him to be alone or bored. Eg. he still goes to every party now. He’s always around people or busy. And he thinks friendship is a substitution for relationship. This is how his parents recovered from divorce. Now they are both happy, spending lots of time with their friends, never wanna get married again.
One sign from NC also raised my concern whether he is giving me up easily. I didn’t reply his msg, and he went online twice the next day to check. However, the past two days, he went silent again… Is NC not working?

I wish I could be in the States and hire you for a one-on-one session! A relationship with a yet-to-be-mature guys is so confusing. But I see great potential in him to grow.
admin

November 1, 2013 at 6:55 pm

Yes it is still working it looks like.

Also, I have something coming up for NC that you are going to really be interested in.

Katie

October 28, 2013 at 2:13 am

You know what, Chris. I’ve just decided to let my ex be. It doesn’t seem fair that I’m trying to reel him back in for my own selfish reasons. There must’ve been something uncomfortable in his part if he ended it with me, and getting him to go back into that uncomfortable part is just really wrong of me. If he still wanted to be with me, I wouldn’t even be in your website this moment. Thank you for your wonderful advices though. You were a big help!

admin

October 29, 2013 at 2:02 am

Well look at you. I respect that. You have integrity and I really relaly like that quality.

cece2013

October 27, 2013 at 8:33 pm

hie chris
me and my boyfriend have been together for 4years. We were so much in love. I loved the man so very much and viceversa. We were having great sex atleast every four months, phone sex and things have been pretty awesome. He went outside the country for 1 week for business. Thurday, we had another phone sex and it was awesome, he said he wanted some more friday night problem is my younger sister and her husband came visiting and i was entertaining them when he texted wanting the session when i told him i was with visitors my sister and he said he doubts. When i asked him why he didnt believe me he said he was only human and i got angry and told him we shud just sleep and he asked me if he was here eferring to my old boyfriend whom he made me end the relationship when i met him. I got mad at him not believing me and i answered him yes he is here and we were having sex’. I realised i went overboard and i apologised to him but he did not reply. He came back from his business trip on saturday without calling me. He only sent a text when i apologised again that i hurt him real bad and he was triumatised. Last week he sent email that we should move on. He hasnt called me up todate only on wednesday he sent e-mail good morning to which i responded. I have started a nc rule yesterday to last for 30 days, it isnt easy condiering we used to talk almost daily even when he went/goes out of the country. When he said we need to move on, i got so hurt, as if something has stabbed me on the heart, i know he misses me as well. I love this man and i want him back so much. So far i have not called him only emails to which i completely did out of ignorance on the nc rule. I have started a completely total silence yesterday (saturday). He is 57 and i am 35. Please advise if this is something i can still pursue.

admin

October 27, 2013 at 11:07 pm

The age difference certainly adds into the situation.

NC is still worth it in this case I think!

Yoshi

October 27, 2013 at 2:26 am

I am in desperate need of your help. I have been with my bf for 4 years, we have just married in city hall in the summer and we started living together for 2months… We had our own ups and downs and my main problem is I am a jealous girl, and I have trust issues with him…, and I show my emotions every easily. He is a great guy I love him but he broke it off with me 2 weeks ago because of all our problems.. He’s a sensitive guy so things bother him easily and we get into fights after fight, and this time it’s serious, I see him also talking to a girl texting alot smiling and what not … I know it’s nothing serious but he flirts and I know where not together but it hurts me as to how he can do that…. Im afraid he might really have real feelings…And i go back to my trust issues.. We live together sleep in the same bed, I try to be happy but I’m not. I want him in my life so bad I’m driving him away. He’s going out of the country for one whole month for an important game as he is an athlete and in this time I want him to miss me, I do want to try the NC period but I don’t want to run him the wrong way, if I don’t talk. Right now I feel he would talk to her more than me because he told me I look sad all the time miserable immature. I wear my emotions on my face, when I want to talk to him about our relationship I can’t help but cry and he hates it to death. Even if I don’t cry, my eyes get glassy and I’m holding it back he still hates it and it turns him off so bad, I can’t help but cry I really can’t. In this time I promised while he’s away for the month ill fix myself be a better person, I’m afraid because he told me once he comes back he wants to live by himself, if that happens I’m sure there no more hope. What can I do in these 30 days. He’s leaving tomorrow and he doesn’t want spend anytime together he’s just been in and out of the house or in the bedroom, I feel like I don’t know him anymore 🙁 I can’t give up he doesn’t feel me anymore it will take time but I’m worried he will drift to someone else and I can’t handle that. I’m also a type of person who texts to much overboard when we fight or when I feel something is wrong. He says he can’t be with me because I’m immature I can’t talk because I start getting emotional… I think I have to play my cards right in the 30 days be busy hang out subtle Facebook post of me having a good time and just being positive and friendly if we do talk or text, he will be overseas and I’m not sure if he would want to Skype with me. I want to say so much to him but he doesn’t allow me to and he gets turned off. I just want him to turn back on and see the good in me I promised I would be a different girl once he is back..

Yoshi

October 27, 2013 at 3:46 am

Forgot to mention that he will miss my birthday while he is away and I do want to play that to my advantage, to make him think and miss me more. Maybe get him jealous and help him remember all the good times because right now he is thinking about every bad time. So I do understand that he wants to forget it and talk to new people. How can I stay positive in this time? Because I have been negative in my emotions and actions and it’s been turning him off :/ I just want to get him to give me a chance again any advice it’s really complicated. Thank you and loving ur website.
admin

October 27, 2013 at 10:20 pm

How can you stay positive? Hahaha I find the best way is to talk to your friends, meet new people and just force yourself to be positive no matter what. Try to look on the bright side of everything.
yoshi

October 28, 2013 at 2:27 am

He didnt want me to take him to the airport, its a big deal considering he always travels multiple times and im always there to take him or pick him up plus its a month long..not even a hug :(.. We got into another fight right before he left, snaped over nothing.. We did talk a bit on the phone after and texted before his flight and he did say for me to take care myself to eat well train well and to have a good time no matter what. I dont know why he said that the good time part, but i will try to be positive in this months time.
admin

October 29, 2013 at 2:04 am

I am sorry you got into a fight. Relationships can be so complicated can’t they :/

Oli

October 25, 2013 at 5:32 pm

Hello! I just wanted to leave a quick update. The night before I sent my first contact text I bought your guide and am now using it in combination with this article. I followed the program to the tee, first sending out the first contact text, then testing in a convo and then the good times text, each time leaving the appropriate time (2 days) in between. I got a positive response to each convo. In the final convo I followed the advice in the how to get your ex to chase you article. Saying I was busy and then coming back to the convo later. He then didnt reply until the next day so I decided not to reply and will now wait two days before I move on to the girlfriend status texts. I feel it’s going well so far but I do get the feeling that maybe he’s just being friendly? Hope I’m doing the right things 🙂

admin

October 26, 2013 at 5:31 pm

You are doing the right thing!
Oli

October 29, 2013 at 11:14 am

Hello again,

So I have started the girlfriend texts, with the first two days going well, again getting positive responses and ending the convocation on my terms but today, the third day which is meant to be the day off to give him time to miss me, he called. But only to ask me to sign somethings over to his name, which I did. So my question is, should I continue with the girlfriend texts tomorrow or give it an extra day to ensure he misses me?
Oli

November 3, 2013 at 12:04 am

I waited an extra day in the end. Today was the last day of girlfriend texts but before I got to a memory text, he ended the convo saying he had to go, as he was on the way out, but would talk to me tomorrow. Should I continue the convo on to a memory text tomorrow if he texts me or should I wait/go back to no contact? Just to add, he’s responed really well to all my texts so far, always replying straight away and positively…. Thanks in advance 🙂
admin

November 3, 2013 at 5:40 pm

Glad he is responding positively. Do the memory text.
Oli

November 3, 2013 at 6:36 pm

Arghh! It just happened again… He text today, as he said he would and before I got the chance to include a memory text he said he had to go. I was going to do the memory text today and then move onto a jealousy text in a couple of days but now I’ve been completely thrown! What should I do next?
admin

November 4, 2013 at 4:52 pm

Keep things really slow. Get that memory text in before you move on.
Oli

November 4, 2013 at 10:46 am

Just to add, he has just text me this morning again, as he said he would….
admin

October 30, 2013 at 3:49 am

You have a guage of the situation but I think it would be ok to do it tomorrow.

pea

October 25, 2013 at 12:45 pm

Before I start.. You are absolutely amazing! I’ve read all your posts so far and you really do help!
I admire you for being able to answer to so many people with all the support and great advises! Well done!

Since I’m here, it’s obvious I’ve gone through a long distance relationship break up. Men are so complicated sometimes..

My ex and I broke up three days ago, because he says he can’t take it anymore. I completely, absolutely understand that, yes. Our relationship is complicated, we live very very far and until at least summer we won’t be able to see each other face to face again. It bugs him more than me, I guess, physical absence works worse with guys than girls most of the time.

But the real deal is that we’ve been together for such a long time and he’s never had such problem.

We’ve been breaking up, then we had pauses of two, three, six months, and if I exclude all of these, we’ve been together for a year and a half, and whole this thing between us has been going on for over three years (excluding the part when we were only friends).

He told me that for me he could carry the world on his back and that the distance won’t prevent him from being with me. Many times he called me telling me not to quit on us ever. What is this now then? (he is the one who broke up, by the way)Why breaking up all of a sudden when we were doing so great?

I’m trying to take whole this situation completely maturely and to give him some space. It could be the NC rule, but I didn’t stop contacting him just to get him back. It’s because I want him to clear up his thoughts and realize what he wants. But what if he wants to move on without me?

I love him, that’s obvious.

Problem is that when we were breaking up, he told me he has never met someone like me and he loves me with all his heart, with the real care and he can be my friend but has no strength to be more than that. What the…? He begged me to contact him soon and promised he’d be waiting for my initiative. Huh?

He said our relationship is not healthy because it makes us sad too often. OK. Understood.

But wait, last time he broke up with me because I told him our relationship was not healthy and I wanted him to go out more and not only spend time in front of computer or phone with me. When I was saying it, it didn’t make sense to him and he thought I didn’t like spending time with him. And now he’s letting whole this thing go because of the same thing? What…? Is there more behind it? It’s not like I doubt but I just don’t find any logic in it..

I asked him if he wanted us to break up. He said no. He said he wants to be with me, but he can’t take it and the break up is the right thing. Why breaking up when you don’t want it? Why breaking up with someone you love who loves you back?

He suddenly just asked me “what’s wrong with me?”. What a question.. What’s going on?

You’re a guy, I thought you could explain it.

I truly love him, but I’m afraid to even try to get him back (as I know I can) because he says he’s not happy. Should I just let it go? I don’t want to be the reason he’s unhappy. But then again, I think of it this way – if he loves me, wouldn’t he be unhappy without me as well? I’m so confused..

Sorry for the long writing. The greatest regards to you! I hope they pay you for this or something.

admin

October 26, 2013 at 5:24 pm

I think you should try.

Though I will say one thing. If he sits in front of the computer all day (and is introverted.) You have a tough hill to climb. Those types of people hate risk and hate taking chances. It’s all a matter of showing him you are worth the risk though.
pea

October 26, 2013 at 8:05 pm

Thanks for the answer!

I understand.. Well, I’ll let the whole 30 days pass and think of it all. Maybe I should just move on. And I would be very happy if he did the same.

I mean, it’s not only him who has had some hard time in that relationship. It’s been my friends and parents (as well as his of course!, it’s been me. Getting back together is pretty much of a big risk, and since you say people like him don’t like it..
Perhaps it’s the right time to end what we had once and forever.

God, relationships are hard!

Keep up with the great work! You rock!
admin

October 27, 2013 at 10:04 pm

Relationships are very hard. Just when you think you have them figured out BAM something happens that changes your perception entirely.

Cey

October 25, 2013 at 6:22 am

Yes. When he broke up with me last may, after to days he sent me a msg. But i ddnt respond. And after 2 months he msg me again. He said “how are u?” it took me 1week to respond bec. I really don’t knw what to say. I said i’m okay. Then he asked me if what was going on in my life. But i ddn’t answer his question instead i asked him “wrong sent?” he said “No. How are u? Hows ur life?” and until now, i don’t know how to respond. That conversation ended last month. I want him to chase me again. What do u think is the ryt thing to do?

admin

October 26, 2013 at 5:13 pm

Haha read the latest article.

Mel

October 25, 2013 at 5:14 am

Hi Chris! I just wanted to say that these articles have really made me feel strong about my entire situation and made me feel tons more confident in my ability to work on myself during the NC period :).

I guess I’m just scared right now and need reassurance. We had been in a relationship for a year and then he went off to university 8 hours away about 10 months into the relationship. When he was around things were really fantastic, of course a few bumps happened but it was generally always positive. Then he left, and things were ok, not as good as they were before. We both supported each other but things were hard. He is a shy turtle who is having an incredibly hard time making friends at college and I think his studies are stressing him out immensely too.
I also think I put a lot of pressure on him to try and ‘be romantic’ and seem like he cared about me (which in retrospect, he did a really good job actually, I just wasn’t used to not having the large amount of attention/physicalness as before). I’d get snippy at him for this, and also because I was pretty depressed at the time, would depend on him a lot.
I think it all got to be too much for him and we broke it off.

In the call after the break up I was naive as this is my first relationship I sorta tried to pressure him to be friends immediately and he ofc pushed back. He said that we shouldn’t talk for a week and that we should be allowed to see other people, which after reading your articles I now realize is a great idea, but at the time I was freaking out. He said things like ‘It was a good run while it lasted’, ‘I might want to see other people’, ‘I cannot promise you anything’, etc etc. It was scary and it makes me think he really doesn’t want a relationship again, even though I was fantastic for him tbh and he knows that.

I think he is scared of it all because his last relationship ended poorly – girlfriend was emotionally manipulative and abusive, he tried to make it work and it fell apart after they broke up, etc etc. so I’m scared because I’m afraid he will not be able to get over his fears and see how AWESOME I was for him and how the crap that happened ever since he went off was due to stress, pressure, and insecurity – not anything inherent in us.

I plan on doing the NC thing, it’s been about 5 days and things are great. I’m just afraid he is dead set on not being with me, and that he can’t deal with the distance, which he said a few times as well. What do you think? Do I have a chance? Thank you so much for your help~

admin

October 26, 2013 at 5:12 pm

To me it sounds like the breakup was caused by his insecurity rather than anything you did.

NC is going well for you at this point and I am glad to hear that.

I think your situation is definitely worth a shot.

Marie

October 24, 2013 at 3:37 pm

My boyfriend of 18 months and I recently broke up. He moved a few states away for a job a few months ago. Everything was going good- we had plans for me to move there with him in a few months. He reconnected with an old (single) friend and started to go out all the time and decided he just didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. Obviously I’m devastated and want him to realize the mistake he made but I know he needs to come to his conclusion on his own. He was the first to text me 1 day after the break up just checking up on me- to which I did not reply. (I am a firm believer in the NC Rule.) I still have some of his things, things he is going to want that can not be mailed, so I assume I will hear from him. How do you handle something like this without breaking a NC Rule and not holding his things hostage?

admin

October 24, 2013 at 8:18 pm

You can break NC do get the things back.

Cey

October 24, 2013 at 6:11 am

Hi Chris!
My ex- LDR boyfriend and I broke up 5 months ago. We are separated by 10,000 miles. We met here in our country last december 2013. Everything was fine, and we have the same nationality. And when the time came that he need to go back in their country he cried and promised me that someday he will marry me. We had a 5months LDR and last May, he broke up with me because of DISTANCE. He said that he really loves me but our situation is difficult, and he wants us to be friends bec. He said that if we stay friends, he will not lose me. I said that i don’t wanna be friends to him. It really hurts so bad cause i really loved him. But i never beg him to stay.

we only broke up in facebook chat. After the br8kup i unfriend him in fb. And after 2days he sent me a msg saying “alwys take care of ur self” i didn’t respond. After 1week he’s friend texted he said that he’s friend (my ex) ask him to text me to say “always take care of my self, and thankyou for all the things that i’ve done 4 him.” again, i didn’t respond. After 2months my ex bf add me in facebook. He sent me a msg saying “how are u?” i said “i’m fine” at that time, his profile picture is a fansign of his name from a pretty girl. But I noticed that he just edited the picture. And some of his friends notice that his name on the fansign is edited.

After 2days he replied asking me if what was happening in my life ryt now. I said, “wrong sent?” he said “No 🙂 how are u? 🙂 hows ur life? :)” and i didn’t reply to him. Bec. I really don’t know what to say to him. I was really hurt and i don’t want to pretend that i’m okay even if i really wanted him to come back. His msg is 1month ago. I want him to msg me again. Even if i ddn’t respond to his last msg. But how? I really don’t know what to do. There so many what if’s in my mind. What if he just wanted to be friends with me that’s y he reached me out?

admin

October 24, 2013 at 7:58 pm

Have you been in NC yet?

sandy

October 24, 2013 at 4:10 am

my ex. and i broken up
and the reasons are the distance and physically.

so he asked me can we bakc to be friend?
then i said yes.
what should i do in this situation?

admin

October 24, 2013 at 7:52 pm

Do the NC and kin dof follow this guide!
sandy

October 24, 2013 at 4:15 am

by the way we net before!
we are The Internet To Person LDR!!
admin

October 24, 2013 at 7:52 pm

Really!

Suzy

October 24, 2013 at 1:34 am

Chris, your NC advice really did help, because I’m 23 days into it and he has called me about 11 times over those days and texted me a few times asking me how I was, but I remained true to my NC period. But this morning I was sleeping and he called me at 6 AM from a blocked number. I thought my parents were calling my cell (because they went overseas) and I picked up not thinking it would be him. I was going to hang up the moment he said “it’s me” but he sounded desperate when he asked me not to hang up.
He was telling me how bad his life has been since I’ve been gone from his life and how things aren’t the same with his new girl like how it was with me. He pretty much was sad all around because of the guilt he felt from treating me the way he did. We ended up talking for 3 hours where we were pretty much talking, laughing about the old times and keeping the conversation up. I also mentioned to him about a guy I am kind of seeing and he seemed jealous because he wanted to know things about him then criticized the other guy at the same time. I didn’t realize how fast 3 hours went by, but I ended the conversation telling him I had to go. He asked if I would text him back or pick up his calls now that we can talk, I told him maybe.
I guess I am a little sad to say I did break the NC rule. Should I restart the NC period or should I just cut it short and start replying to his texts?

admin

October 24, 2013 at 7:40 pm

Man I wish you could tell EVERYONE on this site that if you stick with it, it can be really helpful.

TBH I am starting to get a little frustrated with some people messaging me over and over again that they don’t last 2 days in NC. And then when they don’t get their ex back they blame ME.

Sorry that was me venting.

No, you are ok on your NC I think. You are doing pretty good. You are handling it corectly.

Katie

October 24, 2013 at 12:38 am

Question. I clicked on the contact and sent in my story and I was wondering if you do reply, will I get an email or will I not get any reply at all? Just wondering.

admin

October 24, 2013 at 7:35 pm

Oh Kate,

I get 100 emails a day, 100 comments a day, 50-80 Facebook messages a day, 10-20 support emails a day.

I can’t answer all of them so I had to take out the emails. BUT if you friend me on Faceobok I will get to you eventually.
Katie

October 24, 2013 at 9:03 pm

Oh and i don’t really know if you’ll be saying this or not, but I know that he’s busy and he’s trying to focus on school, but is it really necessary to block me from all social media’s and not have any contact with me at all? If he still has feelings for me, then why is he trying his very best to ignore and get over me?
admin

October 26, 2013 at 12:58 am

It may be a way of punishing you for what hes feeling? It’s not unheard of.
Katie

October 24, 2013 at 8:58 pm

Weeeell, I just happen to be one of those few weird people who deleted their facebook account. So I’ll add my story here and MAYBE you’ll get to it? 😛

I’ve recently (more like 4 or 5 weeks ago) broke up with my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for 3 months or so, and the reason we broke up wasn’t because we had a fight or anything. This relationship was a long distance relationship, I was in CA for a year and met him there and even though he knew I was moving back to PA, he still asked me out and said he would wait for me until I came back. We’ve been doing long distance for 3 months and it seemed fine. There were times when we fought and broke up for a short amount of time but we always go back together. But recently school started for both of us and he couldn’t keep up with his classes and have a relationship, so he broke up with me, but he told me “I still like you a lot, I just don’t have time for you.” before he broke up with me. So I said fine, but then a week later I found out that he unfollowed me from all social media’s. When I asked him about it he said “I didn’t want to be tempted to go to your page every time I get on those accounts.” But then about a day or two later, he requested to follow me back on instagram, so I accepted and requested to follow him back, only to find out his best friend denied my request to follow him and made his account unfollow me. When I asked about THAT he said his friend didn’t approve of me. I hope you know where this is going. We had several interactions like that after he told me, he would follow me on twitter and I would follow him on twitter, he would reply back to my tweets and favorite them, and then suddenly he would unfollow me and then block me so I wouldn’t be following him back. He even went far has to deleting his oovoo account, because we use to oovoo a lot. There were times when I contacted him first though, I would text him first and he would reply back waaaay later. When I asked if I was annoying him, he said “no” and when I asked if he didn’t want to talk to me he said “if I didn’t want to talk to you, then why would I be texting you back?” He asked me to facetime because he deleted oovoo, but he wasn’t pleasant. He ignored me and texted his friends, basically he was acting like a bitch. When I complained to a friend of mine who knew him about him, my friend texted him and then later sent me the screenshots of the conversation, but the thing is, my friend didn’t send me the whole entire conversation. Just bits and pieces, and when I asked about it, my friend would reply back three days later or so and act confused and claim that he doesn’t remember where he was going with it. But basically the part of the conversation my friend sent me said “I still like her but I have to put my studies first. I want her but not right now, does that make sense? And I can’t stop her from moving on, and if I want her back I’m willing to fight for her, but that doesn’t mean I won’t move on from her either.” The part of him moving on got to me because I made it clear that I still had feelings for him when I was texting him first. About a week or two weeks ago however, I sent him this text message saying “I won’t bother you anymore” and haven’t texted him or messaged him, however I did follow him on twitter for about a three days and then today I found out that he blocked me again so I wouldn’t be able to follow him. It also gets to me, because like any other girl, I stalk the people I miss, and I’ve visited his twitter profile a couple of times, and some tweets were “Damn, she’s so cute” and I know he’s not directing that tweet to me. I’m so confused, when I talk to my friend about missing him my friend (who talked to my ex) keeps saying “he’s waiting” and then doesn’t reply back when I ask him what he means. I’m going back to CA and I was tempted today to text my ex and ask him if he’s willing to hang out with me when I move back to CA, but I don’t know if it’s the right move. Should I follow your article and do the NC and if I do, how long do I do it? Do I add in the 4 weeks we’ve been apart or do I start from the day I stopped talking to him? Is there a better way? I’m honestly scared I’m going to lose him. Even though my friend and my ex clearly told me my ex still likes me a lot, his actions and his blocking me from all social media’s says another things. I’m confused. Help?
admin

October 26, 2013 at 12:56 am

Your not weird. I once deleted my MySpace account over a girl so I can kind of get the feeling (best decision ever btw.)

I do think NC is the way to go in this instance.

Carly

October 23, 2013 at 11:30 pm

I was in a relationship for four years and six months ago I cheated on my partner and I regret it every day. He gave me a second chance and then I blew it again. We have tried to feel happy again but it has been hard. We went on vacation and things started to feel better. Now I am abroad and will be back to the States in about a month and he tells me he does not want to be with me. Although he says that, he also says he loves me and would get back with me if he can feel that happiness and love like before. He cries on the phone and says this is difficult for him and he feels terrible that I did that.Right now we are on a no contact policy for a week and we have not tried this before. He said he needs space and cannot guarantee he wants to get back with me when I come back. Do you have any recommendations on how to get that spark again? I am truly committed to him and I have learned that I will never do that again. I love him and I know he loves me truly. This week has been terrible. Please help me. Thank you

admin

October 24, 2013 at 7:31 pm

Well, have you started a NC period? You need to give your ex some time to calm down.
Carly

October 24, 2013 at 9:01 pm

Yes. We said we would not communicate for a week. What should I say to him after the week is done?
admin

October 26, 2013 at 12:57 am

Nothing too controversatial. Just work on rebuilding our rapport.

Divya

October 23, 2013 at 9:34 pm

Hey Chris! First off, I wanted to say I think you’re pretty great for this site, I know it’s really helped me and I’m sure many others.

I just wanted your opinion on my specific situation. My ex and I dated for just about two years, but we had some major history before that. Long story short, we met on the first day of high school and he’s tried to get me ever since, while I friendzoned him. He had other girls, but always a soft spot for me. I think I might have been an ungettable girl to him? Two and a half years in, I became attracted to him and he noticed and asked me out. We had a great two years together, completely perfect. He told me I was his dream girl , and it always seemed like he put more effort into it, sacrificed more. I know we were young, but we were building a life together. We had the same goals and ambitions, and named our children (naïve, I know) and all that jazz. But then college decisions came around…and we realized we wouldn’t be together for the next four years.
We hit a rough spot, and began to fight a lot about small things. It didn’t seem like we were compatible enough, even though we had worked for all the time before that with only small fights. He did however convince me to try long distance.
The first month of ldr was fine, perfect. I went to visit him at his college, and everyone he introduced me to knew me, he had pictures of me everywhere, (his phone background) and he would wake me up in the middle of the night with kisses, telling me he couldn’t believe I was there, and that he wanted to stay like this forever. When he dropped me off at the bus station, he told me he didn’t say any reason why we would ever break up, and that I’d be coming here a lot more.
Fast forward to a week later, and I was angry at him for not being able to give me more time. I ignored him that night. The next morning he calls me saying I was right, and things were fine all day. However that night he suddenly tried to break up with me. I pushed him for an hour to tell me why, and finally after getting past his bullshit of you’re too good for me, he admitted that he cheated on me with a random girl last night. I didn’t believe him until I asked his friend (who is a girl and comes in later in the story) who I’d met and become good friends with, and she said he had. At that point, I was completely devastated. I was hysterical and in a dreamlike state He was on video chat with me, completely unemotional and a wall, acting like it didn’t matter to him. I ended the chat and went to sleep, somehow. He told me the next morning we should take a break, but I, in my emotional mess, convinced him not to, that we could make it work. He agreed, and we had…a messy next two weeks. I was up and down, wanting to make it work one minute and then reminding him of what he did the next hour. Two weeks in, I finally got the courage to tell him we should take a break. He got incredibly angry with me, and told me it would be a break up.
We didn’t talk for a week in, and then he called me crying. I picked up, like an idiot. He told me he wanted me back and I said…no. That night he went out, got drunk, and hooked up with his close friend, the same friend who’d confirmed to me that he’d cheated! Who I’d borrowed clothes from! Who he used to ask for relationship advice from and who told me that he still loved me! And they’ve been consistently hooking up ever since. Is she a rebound? She’s smart and sweet and pretty. They were good friends before, they have the same goals and future. The day after, I messaged him asking if we were okay, and he was totally and completely fine. He said he was over it, that we were better off as friends and he had to put school first, he couldn’t do a relationship at the same time. I (like an idiot) told him we could be best friends again, like we were before we went out. I gave him girl advice (with that friend he’s hooking up with) and he gave me guy advice (with some guys who are interested and pursuing me). However later, their whole situation, their hooking up, began to bother me so much more. I messaged him explaining maybe we couldn’t be exactly like before just yet, and that I needed more time. However things got out of hand, and I ended up telling him just how angry and bitter I was that he’d ruined everything, and how it was ridiculous how he was hooking up with that girl, of all girls. He said some horrible things, like shit happens to everyone, stop living in self-pity, I can’t believe I dated you, you don’t support me like you used to, etc etc. I was pretty much stunned and furious. But we somehow resolved it, and said okay. We’d be friends. And that’s where we stand now. I never explicitly cut ties. In fact, we both want to still be in each other’s lives.
I know you’re all about the NC, but he’s the kind of guy who’s out of sight, out of mind, and he has so much work to do at his college, I’m afraid he’ll forget about me. He’s also incredibly ambitious, and he knows that a relationship wouldn’t help him with his future now.
So I’m wondering if I should do something different. Should I try and stay friends with him, but act as though I’ve friendzoned him? That way I could remind him of how I’m always there for him, how we click so perfectly and how we have such good times together, and still leave him wanting more by ending the conversation early, asking for guy advice and all that. I just don’t want him to forget me, and replace me with the hookup girl! She’s interested in him apparently, calls him over when her roommate is out of town. Same girl who told me she hopes things work out between us and that he still loved me literally, a week ago -.-“” (Girl code, anyone?!) So yeah. What do you think? Is that the total wrong way to go?

admin

October 24, 2013 at 7:25 pm

Actually I am not trying to give you the blow off here but have you read this guide:

https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-definitive-guide-to-making-your-ex-boyfriend-love-you-again/

It actually can give you some good ideas!
Divya

October 25, 2013 at 4:49 am

I HAVE read that guide, and I’m still wondering- do you still recommend NC in this situation? He messaged me, and then texted me today, and I didn’t reply. He hasn’t attempted contact since about noon today….
Should I play nonchalant and be friends…or NC?
admin

October 26, 2013 at 5:04 pm

I would say NC quite honestly.
Divya

October 24, 2013 at 5:43 am

She also has the same sense of humor we used to have, at least from what I saw that weekend:( She’s got the looks and the personality too. The fact that he hooked up with her/is hooking up with her really, really throws me off and makes me super uncomfortable, as I’m not sure if she even qualifies as a rebound girl or not.

While I was there, I noticed that he did talk to her more than any other girl friend he had, and that she was the most attractive of his girl friends.

Still, it’s not like he hid the fact that he had a girlfriend, or his feelings for me. He told literally, everyone. He used to ask her for relationship advice for me. And he was on the phone with me one time when they were hanging out, and he wanted her to meet me. He put me on the phone with her, and we talked totally casually and fine.

However when I was there, he did at one point leave me alone (which almost never happens) to talk to her. Like, a totally casual conversation I could hear, as I was talking to someone else like three feet away, but she is the only other girl who holds his attention there. I don’t think this is just a rebound:(

Also, I think he has the idea that I’m totally and completely over him, and that I’m seeing other guys. I’m afraid this will totally drive him to get over me even faster, and get closer to her subsequently. IS NC REALLY A GOOD IDEA RIGHT NOW. I feel like he’s going to forget about me, if I do this…

ALSO. She too just got out of a really long relationship with a bf of a year, and when I visited, she was actually into ANOTHER guy who lived in her dorm. AND her ex was still texting her angrily. However she never actually hooked up with the guy who lived in her dorm. And now, a week later she’s into MY ex, is actively trying to hookup with him, and I’m sure her old boyfriend is still texting her.

Also, this all happened within the span of the first month of college. And I’m just generally confused as to what my ex is thinking and doing. And why she is suddenly completely into my ex, literally a week after we broke up. Not cool-.-
admin

October 24, 2013 at 7:56 pm

Well, these things have a way of playing out. Just be patient.

Citlalli Ramos

October 23, 2013 at 8:30 pm

Hello! I just finished reading your article and I found it very helpful and interesting.. I had a LDR with someone from london and we dated for more than a year… some months before he broke up with me i became a bit clingy over him because he was not coming online as before and as he had just finished college and working and he was stressed and all.. well he broke up with me and he told me how amazing i was and didnt want to stop speaking or thinking of me, at first i was angry and was not going to speak to him anymore but as soon as i became scared of losing him or even imagining him with someone else, i just could not put up with that idea so i used to text him on facebook, leaving messages which sometimes he used to respond and other times he just would not reply me back , he became serious and cold with me after I had suffered a lot and showing him i was depressed and letting him know how much i love him and would not trade him for anyone else but i made a video message at the end of september telling him and showing him i was happy and we could be friends, then he replied and started contacting me and then he was still cold but funny! so now we just saw each other on skype and then he just confessed me he wishes he would hold me and hug me and romantic stuff but then when i show him my feelings, he avoids me or just not reply or say anything about it…. now we have been speaking and then I became a bit desesperate to know about him again and he’s not replying.. he even sent me a week ago, he would need to go out to have fun with girls or just find someone else in his life like having fun … but seriously then we saw each other at that afternoon and rub that in his face and he said he shouldnt have said that to me, now i just want him back and I don’t know how to get him back what should i do? :O i need ur help

admin

October 24, 2013 at 7:21 pm

Well, usually the NC rule is a good place to start.

Isabella

October 23, 2013 at 4:16 pm

Hi Chris,

Is 30 days NC still effective if they don’t try and contact you during the 30 days (on day 22)? I started 30 days about a month after we broke up, before that a week was the maximum we had without one of us texting.

The way we broke up was very strange and we hadn’t had any big fights, neither of us cheated. It was heat of the moment comment which he wouldn’t let me take back. We had talked about getting engaged and everything so it doesn’t really make sense.

admin

October 23, 2013 at 10:25 pm

Yes it can be! Remember, you are going to initiate contact after NC.

Janae

October 23, 2013 at 9:49 am

Hello! So, my 30 day no contact is way over (ended around last month) and my ex and I have started getting back into contact. At first the conversations were very short and formal, but slowly, with each new conversation we would talk longer and longer (he even mentioned getting back together sometime) so this is good news right? So, things were going so great, and all of a sudden, I text him one night and he says he can’t talk because he has to get up early the next morning, and that he will text me tomorrow, he put a smiley face too, so I was pretty excited to hear from him the next day, only, he never texted :/ I’m scared I must have messed up at some point? It’s been around 3 days since that happened, and I’m not sure if I should like wait 5 days before trying again or wait untill he texts first?

admin

October 23, 2013 at 10:12 pm

Hmm… at this point I say wait another 5 days and try again.

anisha

October 23, 2013 at 5:29 am

Hi
my boyfriend proposed me in jan,2013 i liked him n started to make love but there was another guy who is my friend that happened to propose me in feb.i evn said yes to him n kissed him twice and went till the second base.but lately in june i started to ignore n break up with the second guy cuz i was in a serious relation with the first. I really love guy n had no feelings for the second. now the one i love came to know about the .two timing iv done though it was oer two months ago.he even saw my pictures kissing the other guy ..unfortunately d guy i love left to germany for his higher studies in august.so it was a LDR for a month now. He was broken when he knew this n even broke up with me and blocked me everywhere. All of this happened .two days ago n iv put hm many texts apologizing n to give me one more chance.bt he blocked me everywhere in d evening yesterday.now i really want him back and i cant imagine a life without him(first guy in germany) please help me ..

admin

October 23, 2013 at 10:02 pm

Have you started a NC rule yet?

Kathrine

October 22, 2013 at 7:00 pm

Hi Chris

I love your page! You have some really great advice!

As you might have guessed I would love to get my ex back.
My now ex-BF (who lives in Norway, I live in Denmark; he’s also Danish though) and I broke up 5 months ago..
I was quite put together when we broke up on skype, whilst he was crying his eyes out. I said I understood but that it wasn’t what I wanted. He wanted to meet a week later to exchange things since he would be in Denmark then. I said yes, but cancelled on the day, where he started crying as well. In stead a friend of mine went to exchange our stuff for me..

The reason for the breakup, he told me, was that he thought it was too difficult with the distance and that he felt like he was hurting me. But I know see, that it was propably because I was feeling so insecure since he’d moved to another country (to work) and was constantly nagging him for confirmation of his feelings (which he’d give me), and saying really hurtful things, making him feel guilty about not being a good enough boyfriend (kind of like he “owed” me since he was the one who moved away), distrust him, cry on the phone and be a real martyr.
So I as an extremely bad girlfriend after he left for Norway, and I can really understand he couldn’t manage the emotional torture and stress I was putting him through.. The fact is I loved him so much I was just constantly so affraid of losing him because of a really bad relationship I was in before. At the time I didn’t know how much it was affecting me and what was going on, but I do now.

Well, almost 1½ months passed, and I then send him a nice and personal but short private facebook message for his birthday. He responded by asking if we could meet, since he’d be in denmark.
I agreed and we met, and he said he was not sure if it was the right thing not to be together.. It’d been doing some soul searching in the meantime and even though I still loved him I couldn’t see how we could make it work.. So I told him that even though I still loved him I thought it was the right decision – for now, I hoped we’d be able to get back together when (if) he came back to Denmark.. He was sad but said he wished the same..
Well, two days went by and he then came to meet up with me and my friends a night I was out on town and we ended up going home together and spent every moment together after that until he went back to norway. It was wonderful and we totally reconnected.

When he came back, he was unsure if we should stay in touch, since I’d said to him that I still thought it was best if we weren’t back together. He’d briefly mentioned that perhaps he should come back to Denmark, but I’d said he shouldn’t ruin his career plans for us, cause he’d regret it and that would destroy our love.
We then started sending small private messages on facebook, memes, liking each others pictures etc. And then one day I had a revelation. I discovered how I’d been acting and how I’d pushed him away, and how I’d also misbehaved in my other personal relationships. So I started working on my behavior with a therapist and I started my personal change. So now I believed the relationship could work.

I went to visit him then. He then had doubts it could work, since I’d told him very clear the last time we met that it wouldn’t work.. and now there was even more insecurity and distrust between us..
But then he decided he wanted to try to see if we could find a way to make it work.. So we’re dating now.. Talking on the phone, sending pictures and small messages, visiting each other.. Seeing if we can start a positive connection instead of the vicious cycle we were in before..

Last time we saw each other it didn’t go so well though. We had a bad beginning due to a misunderstanding of plans, and it gave a bad mood for part of the weekend we had together. Also one evening I was not feeling my best, and instead of talking to him about it (I was affraid he’d think it was him who’d done something wrong) I was just kind of closed off. The next day I’d figured out what was wrong and I told him, that I’d been reserved cause I was affraid of losing him again. But it still ruined our entire saturday evening together, and I could tell he’d been really disappointed, cause he’d tried his best to prepare for a nice cosy evening at home for us.
So it wasn’t a very fantastic weekend unfortunately. And now I’m affraid that he might not want to see me again, cause it was totally me who was ruining the mood of the weekend.
I did appologize and explain why I was acting like I was and told him it wasn’t anything he was doing, and explained what was gong on with me..

I think your advice on what to do is really good, but I also think I’m maybe a bit further ahead in my “relationship” than those steps..
So I’d be really grateful if you can help me with these questions I have now:
1. How do you rebuild trust when you’ve hurt your man deeply?
2. And how do make him feel safe that he won’t be feeling like he’s hurting you (being blamed) if you enter a full-on relationship again?
3. How do you convince your man (ex-man) that even though he’s been really hurt, it’s worth keeping on trying to make it work, even though everything’s not perfect all the time (I guess no relationship can be perfect all the time)?

Thank you!

admin

October 23, 2013 at 8:14 pm

1. You have to realize it will take time and effort.

2. You are going to have to take things slow.

3. Again, take things slow and work to reignite his feelings for you. He has to think that you are the best girl for him.
Kathrine

October 28, 2013 at 1:00 am

Thanx for yor advice! 🙂

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