Today I’d like to cover a controversial topic in-depth. Specifically, the protocol and texts you should send to your ex after a no response.
Now, when I say “no response” I’m specifically calling attention to the fact that you’ve sent a text to your ex, usually after no contact, and they’ve simply ignored it.
Most of our clients freak out not knowing how to handle it. Luckily, over the past decade we’ve had a lot of practice in how to handle this situation.
We think abiding by the following protocol is best,
- Schedule & Timing Identification
- The 48 Hour Rule
- Treat Your Ex As A Friend
- Sending Your Second Text Attempt
- Jumping Back Into No Contact
No clue what any of that means? Well, you are in luck as I’m going to go through it in-depth.
Schedule And Timing Identification
So, it goes without saying that a lot of our clients exhibit very anxious behaviors especially when they don’t get a response from their exes.
But one of the things you need to realize is that the timing of when you send a text to your ex can make a big difference on if you are getting a response or not. That’s especially true if you sent a text that arrives when your ex is busy with their schedule.
The following is a screengrab taken directly from our private facebook group.
“I wouldn’t worry, someone has waited over 13 hours before.”
To give you some context they are referring to how long it took an ex to respond.
In fact, one of the things that I’ve been harping on recently when it comes to sending text messages is to not send them when you know your ex is busy. It’s almost always best to send a text message when your ex is alone.
So, really the first bit of advice I have for you if you have a “no response” from an ex is to not panic and first identify if they simply haven’t responded yet because they are busy.
Now, this begs an interesting question.
How much time needs to go by before you hit the panic button?
The 48 Hour Rule
Generally speaking you know pretty quickly if someone is giving you the cold shoulder, especially in a romantic situation.
I’d say that if you’ve sent your ex a text and they haven’t responded within 24 hours it’s usually unlikely that they’ll be responding.
However, I’d like you to add an additional 24 hours to that count before you try anything meaningful.
So, that means that after 48 hours, if your ex hasn’t responded to your text, you can officially claim that text as a no response and enter the next phase of the protocol and like all the most important things in life the next phase of the protocol has more to do with your mindset than anything.
Treat Your Ex Like You Would A Friend
I really wish I could claim credit for this mentality but it’s actually a comment I saw in response to a question about an ex not responding to a text that gave me the idea,
“Treat him as a friend. If a friend ignores one message what do you do? Sometimes you can even forget you sent the message in the first place and remember it a few days later. Be natural.”
This resonates with me specifically because this is exact how my friendship texts go between my friends and I.
I’ll give you a real life example. The following is an excerpt from a conversation I had with my friend Simon last night.
Notice how there was gaps in our responses to each other. He sent me 5 text messages back to back in the span of a minute.
I didn’t respond to those texts for nearly two hours and when I did he basically didn’t respond to me for nearly two hours.
Here’s my point. I didn’t freak out when I didn’t hear from him. In fact, I wouldn’t have even taken it personally if he hadn’t responded at all. Sometimes an entire day goes by where we don’t talk. Schedules get busy. It happens.
So, why is it that your ex would be any different? You need to have this mentality when you get no response from your ex.
Don’t try to force a round peg into a square hole by blowing your exes phone up trying to get them to respond. In fact, that’s what the 48 hours is for.
It protects you from yourself. So that you aren’t seeming overly anxious and blowing your exes phone up.
After 48 Hours Send Your Second Text Attempt
So, there are two things we want to talk about here.
- What to do if your first text didn’t contain a good hook
- What to do if your first text did contain a good hook
Let’s take it from the top.
What To Do If Your First Text Didn’t Contain A Good Hook
One of the things that I’ve personally noted is that most “no responses” from exes happen because our clients don’t use proper texting strategy.
If you look at my article from yesterday I talk about the formula of a good first contact text message.
Hook + Interests + Open Ended = Positive Response
Essentially you want to adhere to the basics of this formula with your second reach out attempt.
- Make sure the text has a good hook.
- Make sure it is based in your exes interests
- Make sure you ensure the conversation has an open ended question embedded into it
The example I used yesterday I feel is pretty solid at demonstrating this,
You know everything about AT drums (interest + hook). Need some help buying one. What would you recommend? (Open Ended Question)”
Essentially just follow basic texting principles we teach and give yourself a better chance of getting a response.
Of course, what happens if you’ve already adhered to our method and still gotten no response?
What To Do If Your First Text Did Contain A Good Hook
This is always tricky and one I’m going to let our very own Coach Anna handle.
The following was a question we received in our private facebook support group last month,
I’ve been trying to plan my 3rd RO after a second no response. One thing coach Anna recommended is trying a low investment text. Does anyone have any examples of what that would look like?
As it turns out Coach Anna herself responded and I’ll let the master take it from there.
“You don’t expect a response from a low investment text. It’s simply a visual of some kind. The purpose is to give you a break from coming up with a high investment text utilizing an open ended question and volleying his answer into a conversation. It also create a low pressure environment for him.”
The initial poster of the question then responds,
Ahh ok, so there’s a short funny TikTok video I’ve seen recently that I know would make him laugh. If I send something like that, expect a no response and then take 21-30 to regroup and try a reach out again?
To which Coach Anna responds,
A low investment text isn’t included in the 3 no responses in a row count. Wait two weeks after the low investment text and then send your third.
Here’s the main point. If you’ve attempted a reach out using our methods and gotten a no response more than two times continuing to approach your ex the same way probably isn’t going to yield great results.
As Albert Einstein said,
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
The low investment text is simply meant as a soft reset to create a friendly environment. One in which a response isn’t technically required.
Think of it like the set up before you go into a mini no contact period which just so happens to be the very next part of the protocol.
Jumping Back Into A Mini No Contact
Coach Anna kind of spoiled the surprise in her write up above but we aren’t going to keep beating a dead horse.
If your ex isn’t responding we aren’t going to keep texting them over and over again.
We need to give them time.
And believe it or not this is on brand for most of the exes we’ve observed in our practice.
I’ve been on record stating that most exes are avoidant,
And one of the things we know about avoidant exes is that if you consistently push them it can bring them back into the trauma of the relationship.
In fact, my research on avoidant exes and when they miss you,
Has proven to be pretty revolutionary in helping us understand that avoidant exes need a lot of space before they even consider having nostalgia about the past relationship.
So, a no response is a clear indication that your ex isn’t comfortable talking to you yet and that’s fine. Let’s give them exactly what they want for a spell.
Our general protocol is to advise our clients to go into a two week mini no contact period and then trying again.
Except what happens after that two weeks if you attempt to reach out again and your ex doesn’t respond?
Well, in that case you need to go back into another no contact period except add on a week.
Just continue on like that until one of two things happens.
- Your ex responds
- You decide this isn’t worth it anymore
The last thing I want to do is have you pursuing an ex and wasting your time.