Today we’re going to talk about when you should text an ex after the no contact rule.
And to just put the conversation to rest, yes I am of the belief that if you want to get an ex back after no contact then you will need to contact them.
I know that sounds like common sense but believe it or not there are a lot of coaches and articles out there that tell you to either,
- Not reach out after a no contact rule
- Wait too long to reach out after a no contact rule
So, this article is going to be talking about not only if you should be reaching out but a little about how you should be reaching out.
And I’m going to let you in on a pretty COOL acronym.
- C- Completed No Contact
- O- Outgrowth Mentality
- O- Open Ended Questions
- L- Leave The Conversation Relatively Quickly
It’s best to think of this like a checklist that you need to go through before you reach out to an ex after no contact.
Let’s just dive in to it.
C- Completed No Contact
This may seem like common sense to you but there are actually quite a few articles out there that say something along the lines of,
“Why experts think you shouldn’t reach out during no contact.”
The articles then go on to argue that reaching out after the no contact rule is bad because it basically causes you to “re-obsess ” over your ex.
Here’s my thoughts. It wholly depends on if you are trying to get over them or get them back.
If you are trying to get over them then yes, maybe reaching out after no contact is counterproductive.
However, if you are trying to get them back then reaching out is a must. The only question is how to reach out to them.
Well, we’ll cover that in a second. First things first, let’s talk about completing the no contact
The “C” in our acronym.
It should go without saying that you shouldn’t text your ex until after you’ve completed a no contact rule.
Here’s the interesting thing though. The only versions of no contact we’ve ever studied are the timeframes we’ve recommended on our website.
We tend to be against longer no contacts like 60 days or 90 days because usually they tend to be so long that it gives an ex a chance to move on from you.
So, to be hyper specific we believe you shouldn’t contact your ex until after you’ve completed a no contact rule of at least 21 to 45 days.
If it’s not been 21 days yet then don’t reach out. If it’s longer than 45 days then it’s time to reach out assuming you’ve got the rest of the COOL acronym covered.
O- Outgrowth Mentality
This is really where the rubber meets the road for most of the people reading this article.
In 2020 when I personally started researching success stories and figuring out what made them successful I noticed an interesting trend.
Successes like these did what this girl did,
Essentially they spent all of their time in no contact trying to outgrow their exes.
Trying to find something that they cared about just as much as their ex.
All in the pursuit of answering one question.
If I don’t get my ex back will I be ok?
Someone who hasn’t outgrown their ex can’t imagine a life without them. Someone who has can.
You’ll hear me talk about finding your magnum opus. I personally noticed that a lot of our success stories had something that they were more passionate about than their ex.
And perhaps that’s the main separating factor from the way we teach no contact versus our peers.
But this creates an interesting paradox.
What happens at the end of 45 days if you haven’t achieved this mentality?
What if you are just as obsessed with your ex as you have always been?
According to the C acronym you can’t go past 45 days. Well, in that case I’m a strong believer that it’s worth risking the chance that an ex could begin to get over you so that you can get over them.
We’ve seen time and time again that between the two factors making sure you have the right “outgrowth mindset” is far more important because.
So, yes, while the clock is certainly ticking and there is risk with extending a no contact rule to achieve the outgrowth mentality the risk in my opinion would be greater if you reached out to your ex without achieving the proper mindset.
Make no mistake about it. It’s not like you have infinite time during no contact and if you spend all your time wasting it obsessing about your ex you are literally wasting the “clocks” time so to speak.
But lets assume that you’ve gotten to this place emotionally where you have outgrown your ex. You actually have a better chance of succeeding in “recovery” from the mindset versus proceeding from the wrong mindset.
O- Open Ended Questions
So, I’ve talked a lot about how to properly text an ex after the no contact rule on this website.
Sure, you have a hook. A type of bait that causes your ex to get engaged. Something that provides a lot of mystery and hype.
But it needs to be the right type of hook. For example, one of the biggest mistakes I ever made when I was starting out was recommending men and women text this to their exes,
It’s a great hook, right?
But the flaw was that it immediately brought the ex to a negative headspace and therefore they would put those negative emotions onto you.
Whenever possible you want to bring your ex to a positive head space.
Not to mention that hook isn’t even an open ended question. Rather, it’s an ominous statement.
Additionally, you need to try to veer the text more towards your exes interests as opposed to yours to ensure favorable responses.
But really where most of our clients make mistakes with the first text after no contact is they don’t frame their hook as an open ended question.
It’s best to think of it as a math problem. To get the best results post no contact you need to combine three elements together in a creative way
Hook + Interests + Open Ended = Positive Response
So, what’s an example of this going well?
I thought a great example would be to take a real life question from our private facebook support group where someone is struggling with crafting a first contact text message and show you what we came up with.
The clients wants to send a typical damsel in distress text message.
I need your drum expertise, and I trust you above anyone else.
(Wait for a response)
Misty and I are going to start a Women’s Drum circle here. I’d like to find a drum like the AT drum. What kind is it?
Remember, there are three things a good first contact text message needs.
- Open Ended Question
This specific text technically has all three elements.
- Hook: I need your help
- Interest: drums
- Open Ended Question: What kind of drum
Don’t get me wrong the text conversation itself is not bad, in fact I think alone it’ll have a great chance at getting a response. But we want to make sure the text messages are presented the right way and there are some tiny errors in the presentation.
So, here was what one of our moderators suggested changing the text to,
I need to tap into your drum expertise.
(Wait for a response)
I’m looking into buying an AT drum or something comparable. What would you recommend?
So, immediately the first big change we see is that our moderator basically went all in on the hook as an initial first text.
She removed the “I only trust you above anyone else.”
Well, the smartest approach is to not appear as if you are immediately complimenting an ex.
“I trust you above anyone else” can be taken as a compliment. So, by just removing that and going all in on the hook it might be more effective.
The second change was the actual open ended question. It’s a lot more business like a direct.
Before the client had the text saying,
“Misty and I are going to start a Women’s Drum circle here. I’d like to find a drum like the AT drum. What kind is it?”
The recommended changes were,
“I’m looking into buying an AT drum or something comparable. (Interest) What would you recommend? (OEQ)”
It’s shorter. A lot more to the point. Also, the open ended question is slightly different.
It uses the word “you” which indicates you are making the text all about your ex. Of course, I personally would alter the text a little bit more because technically that “you” is offset by an “I.” Let’s go all in on making this open ended question about your ex.
Here’s my change.
“You know everything about AT drums (interest). Need some help buying one. What would you recommend?”
Notice how in my version there is no first person perspective indicators.
No, I, me, my.
But there is a lot of “you’s.” This indicates the text is all about your ex and not about you.
And what do exes love talking about more than anything else?
L: Leaving The Conversation Relatively Quickly
And now we enter the final phase of our acronym.
This is all about leaving the conversation relatively quickly. When I first started ex boyfriend recovery I noticed that a major issue many of our clients had was that they were getting seduced by the length of conversations.
They’d overstay their welcome and ultimately scare their exes off.
I want to make this really simple for you.
You don’t want to have a long conversation with your ex after no contact. In fact, it’s better to get in and get out.
Slowly establish communication and live to fight another day.
Remember, tide theory is a thing.
You want an organic unfolding when it comes to the length of conversations you are having with your ex.
So, what does that mean?
Well, let’s use our clients text above as an example.
She asks her ex about the drum stuff. He responds giving her information She says thank you and ends the conversation
A first contact text exchange with your ex after a no contact rule isn’t supposed to be where you win them back. Rather, it’s just about establishing communication.
All of the “get them back” conversations happen afterward.