By Chris Seiter

Published on January 18th, 2022

Today we’re going to look at the benefits of outgrowing your ex. I had the pleasure of interviewing Brandon who is not only going to give us some insight into the male mind during a breakup but he’s going to share his amazing story on how he was able to recover from his breakup.

So, if you’ve ever wondered,

  • The types of thoughts that men have as they go through a breakup
  • Why outgrowing your ex is essential
  • How you can handle a breakup with dignity

This is definitely the success story for you.

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Learn How Brandon Outgrew His Ex

Chris Seiter 0:02
All right, today, we have a kind of a special treat, you know, most of the time on the podcast or on the YouTube videos, we’re talking to women success stories. But today, we’ve got a male success story. And it’s unique in all kinds of ways. So I’d like to introduce you to Brandon. And we’re just going to kind of organically talk and go through a situation. So how are you doing, Brandon?

Brandon 0:24
I’m doing just fine. Just making it through.

Chris Seiter 0:27
Alright, well, Brandon, just now is recovering from COVID is Vax. But still, despite that, he got COVID. And he’s starting to just now feel better. So we’re, we’re, I feel lucky that you’re good enough to actually come on here and do this.

Brandon 0:45
Yeah, it’s okay. It’s not too bad. It’s my pleasure.

Chris Seiter 0:49
All right. So why don’t you take us back to the beginning of like, how this relationship with your ex formed the break up, and then we’ll kind of keep going through there.

Brandon 0:57
Yeah, so um, so a little bit about me. Um, so I swim in college. I live in Georgia, but I go to school in Alabama. So it’s kind of far away from home, but not really. And when I first got to college, I had a girlfriend actually. But it was long distance. And I just told the girls like, look, I care about you. But this isn’t going to work. We’re both not in places in our life, where we can make this happen. And so it just happened to be that my ex was there. And so um, we kind of hit it off, like from the start. And like, we it was just, it is basically kind of how like, the story is always goes like, you know, the gun fired. And it was just off to the races. And, you know, we were on the same swim team, we did everything together, like we were in, even in the same clubs somehow, like, she was basically like carbon copy of me in a way, except, like a little different, like I was maybe going to school for business marketing, and she was doing business accounting. And that was pretty much the main difference. But I mean, really, were really started to change was, as we both got older, I started wanting to do things a little bit more independently, you know, away from the team and kind of grow up a little bit more. And she wanted to get closer to the team. And that’s where some of the strife really started. And then I had my own personal issues with the team and everything like that. So ended up just causing like a really weird situation. And that’s where we, that’s how we got to where we are now.

Chris Seiter 2:22
So how long total from when you met her to when you break up? Did you actually date like how many timeline was days? Years? Once?

Brandon 2:32
A week before two year anniversary? Okay, that’s pretty pretty long time. And

Chris Seiter 2:42
like, how serious was this rule? Sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt.

Brandon 2:45
You’re fine. You’re fine. You’re good. You’re good. Like, seriously, that was pretty serious.

Chris Seiter 2:49
So you were like, like, potentially, like marriage down the road? Things like that.

Brandon 2:54
Oh, dude, I It’s funny. You say that all summer I had actually, I saw a coach on a swim team. I actually got a second job to pay for a ring and had actually planned on buying a ring this semester, this upcoming semester, had told my whole family like grandparents, parents, sister, like I was like, guys, like she’s the one like she’s literally like, amazing. Like, I love her so much. And, you know, um, we ran into this issue where she wanted to go to law school. And I told her, I was like, Look, I will follow you when we first met. I told her like, I’ll follow you to law school, you know, because she was like, I’m gonna go to the big SEC school. And I cool I can do that. It’s plenty of business opportunity. And then, over the summer, she goes, I want to go to Stetson University in Clearwater, Florida. And I was like, I mean, it’s got a great law program, but the business program is like, not good for an MBA. And that’s when she told me she was like, well, if we’re gonna do some long distance, I don’t want you to pop the question until after that. And that was Red flag number one. And, I mean, it was it was pretty serious. Like, we were talking like marriage, like when we were gonna, like, you know, propose, like, you know, that kind of stuff, talking about post college, like, where we wanted to go together. I mean, her family would, or at least at least, her mom would always be like, your family to us. Like, she texts me all the time and be like, thank you so much. Like, you’re so great to our daughter and stuff like that. But yeah, no, it’s pretty, pretty serious. Pretty pretty up there.

Chris Seiter 4:24
So this is a very serious relationship. You didn’t buy the ring yet? I’m hoping. No, no, thank the Lord. But you were thinking about it. And so eventually, you kind of allude to some problems on the swim team or some friction there and yeah, and like, what exactly causes this breakup? Is it just like a confluence of factors or is this like one clear thing?

Brandon 4:51
It was, it was everything to be honest. I mean, like, you know, without without like, getting to nitty gritty in it, but like the whole attachments styles and everything like, avoid. Definitely a lot of avoidant behaviors we’re in, we’re in all of it like, and I saw that for some reason it was in all of our relationship, but because of my past relationships, I was actually somehow able to be like, Hey, here’s what we can do. And it just worked. It just worked for two years. I don’t know how, but um, no, it was just, it was a lot of things. Um, I kind of butted heads with a lot of people on the team. I used to be like, like, our freshman year, we were the inaugural team, I was very, like, prominent, like, I did a lot of like, Captain like things at first. And then I didn’t get voted in to be a captain or sophomore year. And that kind of hit me really hard. Because, you know, growing up, I’ve always been, you know, that guy, like, I’ve always been, like, I’m not the, I’m not the fastest, I’m not the best. But, you know, I’m, I’m gonna be a leader. And so that hit me hard. And then the team kind of just took a turn culture wise that I wasn’t, I didn’t like and so I butted heads a lot with people. And then also, during all of that, I hit like a huge injury like, like, like, spree over two years, like that I cannot explain. I wasn’t really in the water. And then people kind of like, spun that and got very judgmental about it. And we’re just saying that I didn’t want to be here, they were making up stuff about me. And it’s just kind of created a very toxic environment for me. And, you know, where it really put a wedge between us with the team was, there’d be days she’d go to practice, and I wasn’t there because I’m sick, I’m injured, I can’t be there. And I was told not to be there. i My coaches and my trainers, and people were like, where’s Brandon? Like, where’s he at? Like, why is he not here? What’s wrong with him? And all the time, and all the time? And then, you know, people also being like, Oh, I saw you in Brandon walking the other day out of like, this building, and stuff like that. Just, I think the way and then I put it was just people that needed to grow up a little bit more. I guess. Like, it’s really? Uh,

Chris Seiter 7:00
yeah, I mean, to me, it seems a little bit of like peer pressure. Yeah, coming at it from from her ankle. So like, you know, you got the swim teams kind of like, why are you still dating that guy? He’s like a trader? And maybe that just begins to weigh on her potentially? Who knows? A bunch of immature babies, for sure. But yeah, eventually this breakup does happen. So we do know, you know, kind of the whispering in the ear seem to kind of get through a little bit.

Brandon 7:33
Yeah. And, yeah, I mean, when the breakup happened, you know, it, it didn’t hit me by surprise. And I could feel to pull back and I hated it. Because, you know, I wish I could, I wanted to do so much to help not get those pull backs. And, you know, at first I was like, Okay, I’ll just mirror it, you know, because that’s what I’ve always done is if they pull back, just give them their space, wait till they come back. Because that’s just that that’s just what a healthy relationship does. And so I would do that. But then, you know, every time I messed up, it was almost as if it was like, tenfold and, like, something just triggered on her, or like in her and, you know, it just got to a point where the day of the breakup, we’d had a fight, because I had asked, I’d accidentally because my job cuz I’m an RA. They’d planned something over our anniversary. And our, like, our anniversary night. And I felt so bad. But the only catch was, is that because we’re so busy with swimming, is that we had planned to do something that weekend anyways, and so I just told her, like, Hey, can we just move it to this weekend, like, I’m gonna be really busy that night, I was like, but we can still hang out. I just have to get this, this project done right after practice. And she did not like that at all. And she was saying stuff like versus the anniversary than it’s other things. And, you know, after after practice, we made up and she was like, you know, I love you so much. And then two hours later, she hits me with like, Brandon, I just think your pride and your ego and your anger. It’s just too much for me. And she was like, I just don’t know if you’re the one for me anymore. And I was like, oh, like I literally and all to it. Like the Wind, like the wind, the breath out of my lungs were just gone. And so I told her, I was like, Well, what do you want to do? I’m like, what can what can we do for you? Is there anything I can do for you? Because, you know, I don’t want you to feel like this. And, you know, it was kind of at first it was mutual, because I thought I told her like, let’s just take a break. I was like, I’ve been feeling burnt out too because like the stuff I was telling you like the avoidant behaviors just feeling like it was like, I had to be perfect all the time. And no, no, she was like, No, we just need a break up the next day, like the next day she comes in. She’s like, we just need to break up. This is it. I was like, oh, okay, that’s cool.

Chris Seiter 10:00
You know what, what’s interesting about it is it seems to me she was like looking for maybe months, any excuse to like leave, flee any authentic excuse to leave and kind of like, the good guy. And like, the anniversary thing might have just been like, Oh, this is the perfect excuse. And then, you know, I feel like potentially what was also going on is, when you offer the break in initially, she’s kind of like, Alright, we’ll see. And then the next day kind of goes by and she’s like, No, I think ultimately, it was always a no, she just didn’t want to be like that girl. That was Yeah. You know, like, gonna be like, no, like, No, I don’t ever want to date you again. She wanted to kind of she didn’t want to hurt you. Which I think, I think in a weird way ends up hurting you more, because it kind of like prolongs the breakup a little bit. But obviously, it sucks to get broken up with and probably you also have this feeling of like, Oh, she just chose to swim team over me because of all the friction and

Brandon 11:02
yeah, yeah.

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Chris Seiter 11:04
So Alright, so now we’re gonna get to the fun stuff here. What? What did you do any kind of the typical crazy behaviors after the break up? Or were you pretty well behaved?

Brandon 11:16
Look, I, I would say the craziest thing I did. And I did two things that I really think are crazy. Besides like, maybe talking to the team about it being like, hey, like, she mad at me like what’s going on? Like, because it hit me by surprise. Because two days before that she was telling our team like some of our teammates in a room. She’s like, Brandon, I’ve been together for two years. And our coach talks about swimmers dating is such a bad thing. We’ve only had one issue ever. And it was a pattern too, because the year before that, literally almost to the day, we had had a similar issue where she like almost broke up with me.

Chris Seiter 11:53
Like around the anniversary.

Brandon 11:56
It wasn’t about the anniversary, but it was like, two days before our anniversary the year before.

Chris Seiter 12:01
I feel like that’s a tipping point for her for whatever reason, like and you kind of see this was avoided some time. Like there’s always like these weird tipping points in relationship moments where they’re just want to pull back. And it was just too much for

Brandon 12:15
Yeah, well, I mean, I was her first and like, you know, I hate having like, like, like putting it onto that. But I was her first real boyfriend of any type. And her parents are separated too. So I was just like, okay, um, but no. So I didn’t really do much of like the begging or pleading, I think what I did do was I think I texted her like, the next night at, like, 1130 at night and I said, Hey, so are we like, dun dun. And, and she goes, Yeah, that’s what I told you, isn’t it? And I was like, okay, just making sure because our pictures are still up on Instagram. Like, you didn’t take down our one year anniversary posts from last year. And she goes, Why just don’t want to be petty like that. Um, but like, it just it didn’t make any sense to me. I was like, Okay, I was like, but yet you just told me this morning that like, and then, you know, I went back and read it later, I was like, Okay, well, she was really hurting. And I was being selfish. And I thought about myself. And typically, that’s how like it happens in breakups is when we’re upset, we only think about ourselves. But then like, the next week, I, you know, I got I got lit with some friends that night, or like that, that weekend. And I like ran into her and she like, yelled at me and was like, laying into me. And all this other stuff. Because I used to hate drinking used to hate it. And then through the relationship and through just growing up, I learned to enjoy it. And not not just like enjoy it, but like, learn my boundaries. Because I have a very like traumatic past with it. My mom, like, went through a program or whatever. Um, so just just, it’s just, it’s run in my family, like, not even her like just passed. And so, um, you know, just trauma with that. And so basically like, I was just like, Why are you yelling at me? And the next day, she, she blocked me on everything, everything like and she found out I had like love like it. Oh full like hard luck, like and in and well she found out that I had gone at Tinder to based off of some guys recommendations. They’re like, just just start swiping. And I was like, okay, like, why not?

Chris Seiter 14:25
What irony there is, wouldn’t she need to be on Tinder also to find that out?

Brandon 14:31
Well, she found out through her friends. Her friends told her I was like, Yeah, I mean it, but she took it the wrong way. She was like, You’re just there to hook up with girls. If you just want to like get your body count up. That’s the way to do it. And in my head, I’m just like, I just want to feel better.

Chris Seiter 14:47
Like you just like looking for a distraction to dull the pain. I think he’s like an accurate way of putting it which is like a completely normal grieving process. And it’s funny, like I often talk about like It’s time dilation with regards to attachment styles. So like, typically, you don’t really strike me as much of an anxious person. But typically most of the clients are anxious. But, you know, like, there’s that trajectory of like how you grieve after a breakup, you know, you have initially the denial and the anger, the depression, I feel like you are kind of in that depression state, you know, like, you’re looking for ways to dull the pain. Well, what’s funny is with avoidance, they take a lot longer to go through those five stages. And so where she at, she’s at the beginning, she’s at the anger stage. So setting setting her off.

Brandon 15:34
Yeah. And like, that’s so so that’s, that’s actually how I found the program was because she that was on a Sunday. Like, she blocked me on everything. And then she intercepts me on the way to my like room and apologizes to me. And it was like, normal, and that but she, but she doesn’t block anything but my number. That’s it. And so, I was like, okay, I can I can work with that. That’s cool. Um, because I’m, I’m on good terms with my exes. So, whatever. But then, like, the hot and cold was really weird. Like that afternoon, I saw her and she goes, Hey, how’s your day? What the hell? Are you talking to me? Like, he just broke up with me? What are you doing? And blocked, like on Snapchat, Instagram, like, the full shebang and Facebook? I’m wrong. 20 I don’t know. I started using Facebook as VRP. Like,

Chris Seiter 16:29
because when I was 20, Facebook was the tops, you know, Instagram or Snapchat. There was literally MySpace and Facebook. That was it. And MySpace does not exist. I think it’s like for bands now. Right? So it was Facebook. And in my mind, it’s still like the biggest thing but every time I talk to someone in your generation, it’s always like Instagram or Snapchat. I’m just like, I really need to like figure out how to how to like reshift my mind on the social media stuff. But yeah, that’s that’s

Brandon 17:00
Look, look man. The new things tick tock yet I get on there, man. I know tick tock. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, no, that’s, that’s, that’s the new big one that’s probably going to be big for Eska. It’s like the neck spine. But whatever. Um, the breakup? Um, yeah, no, in the hot and cold was unbelievable. Like, I mean, I was doing everything I knew, I knew how to do like, you know, I was improving myself, I started going to therapy. And so, like, it was like, as soon as she broke up with me, I was like, Oh, I’m not, I’m not about to go through this. I was like, I need to fix whatever I’ve got going on. Because if there’s anything wrong with me, I like I want to fixed. And so I, it took me about a month of solid just like working on it. And during that whole time, like, there’d be days, like we had classes together. She went from sitting next to me, it’s like sitting next to our teammate and another row. And then I was like, okay, that’s, that’s cool. Um, but then, um, she do that, but she’d see me and I actually got a concussion that week after the breakup. And she goes, how’d you get a concussion and, like, made fun of me, like, in like, a kind of flirty way. And I was just like, bro, what the heck, like, the, I just, I didn’t like it. Because the whole hot and cold. I was like, Look, I still care about you a lot. And you don’t know how to react with this. And I don’t really know how to react with this either. So I’m going to figure out a way to either a get you back, or to get to a point where I don’t care if I get you back. And I know that with time I could get there. But I think that if I just do the time method, it was gonna take a lot longer. So I was like, I need any people. So that’s where I found ERP. And I mean, ended up being a great support system. You know, the whole battle buddy thing, like that’s what really got me. Like, I I know you say this all the time in your podcast and everything, but like, people just getting the program for the Facebook group. Yeah, I was one of those. Yeah, that was me. I mean, it was great. Like, that’s

Chris Seiter 19:05
what it is, man. You know? Yeah.

Brandon 19:07
I mean, and like, you know, I, I went out I went full force. I was like, I’m going to get better. And so I took all the money that I was going to pay for the ring. And I said, this is my breakup money. How are you going to

Chris Seiter 19:19
get it? So all $47 that you had saved up for this ring? You put into the program?

Brandon 19:26
Hello? Oh, yeah. 47 plus some? Yeah, right.

You did? Sorry. Yeah, no, no,

you’re fine. No, and like you know, even before I found you guys I coached with like someone else and Anna and I joke about this all the time. He told me you got this bro. He’s like, I think I think it’d be fun.

Chris Seiter 19:45
I know exactly what you’re talking about too. Well, I won’t say because we’re on YouTube here but yeah, player. i Yeah, believe it or not, that person is not the first coach to say those exact words to to another client.

Brandon 19:59
Yeah, and like I told Anna on our personal it’s like, when he said that I literally just went, Yeah, I know. I know I got this, like, I’m gonna be fine. I just want to know what to do because like, I’m in uncharted territory, you know, like, you don’t send a ship out to sea with no. Like no radar. Come on man.

Chris Seiter 20:19
Yeah, exactly.

I mean, so. Alright, you go just break up. You found the program. Yeah. I’m actually kind of interested. Like, I want to pause to talk about the battle buddy thing too. They partner you up with a female or another male.

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Brandon 20:33
I got a female and she’s actually I feel like

Chris Seiter 20:38
yeah, I feel like it’s helpful things you’ll get it, you’ll get the female perspective on on things and also she’ll, she’s older so she’ll be able to kind of like, I don’t wanna say grant some wisdom, but maybe she’s a little bit more patient. Did you did you find that?

Brandon 20:53
Well that and also um, she’s a fearful avoidant. Okay, so that was like, super helpful. So I like I lucked out like it was the lottery. Um, and she told me she was like, Yeah, I think your ex is probably a fearful avoidant, but also both of us were sitting there were like, we’re not psychologist. So like, we don’t like we’re not gonna diagnose her. But we’ll just pretend as if she were. But no, I mean, yeah, it was, it was the best like I got paired with female older like, fearful avoidant, and the crazy thing is, is like, our situations just kind of worked out to where like, both of us had advice for the other person. Like she’s got long distance, and that’s all I had done before this, like I dated a girl that went to New Zealand for six months. So like,

Chris Seiter 21:40
just crazy. That girl. That’s for distance. 00 time, okay, so that’s why that relationship failed,

Brandon 21:49
bro. Well, no, she lived here. And then she was like, Hey, I’m going to New Zealand for six months. I was like, okay, cool bricks up with me on Thanksgiving over text. I was like, Oh, Lord. But, um, anyways, so yeah, no, the battle, but the program was amazing. And like, I still talk to her to this day. And when I told her I was like, yeah, like, I think I’m just gonna move on without moving on. She’s like, do I need a new battle, buddy? No, cuz I was like, I’m still here for you. It’s like we’ve been talking for like three months. I’m not just gonna leave you like that. Come on. So

Chris Seiter 22:17
yeah. Well, what’s interesting about Brandon’s situation is he’s actually at that point. And I talk a lot about this on the podcast about like, getting people to the point where they’re kind of out. they’ve outgrown the breakup, or they’re, I don’t want to say they don’t necessarily want their exes back. But they’re kind of like, okay, I don’t care if I get my ex back. Brandon is at that exact point right now. And that’s what’s kind of fascinating, because I think the entire goal for everyone is to get them to this emotional state that you’re having right now. So what did you do to get to this state?

Brandon 22:53
I mean, as cheesy as it sounds, self work, like, what like, if it wasn’t for me, just taking every opportunity I could to just do something for me. Like, I, I basically, I realized that we had the same friend groups, and I wasn’t going to get better around them. Like, I would always be told, Oh, well, there’s plenty of fish in the sea. And that’s not what I wanted to hear. So I, I made new friends. I basically just started, you know, investing in myself a lot. I got like a life coach. It just happened to be one of my teachers. I was teaching him how to do some lessons. And now we’re like, great friends and everything. And, you know, we we shoot each other texts all the time talking about how Georgia beat Michigan and stuff like that. So I’m a huge UGA fan. national champs, um,

Chris Seiter 23:45
just a quick plug in there. In the dating podcast, just quick plug there.

Brandon 23:51
Um, yeah, so um, no, I just I, I know, it sounds so cheesy. But all the work that you put into yourself. As much as I know, the program, like we always preach like, oh, the program is for you. It’s not for your ex like, No, that is like, if you go in with that mindset, like, you will win no matter what. And, you know, I tell this to my battle buddy all the time. Because, you know, we all struggle with it. Like, there are days where I’m sitting there, I’m like, why are you saying this? Like, you should know, you should know by now. Like, what to do, but then I’ll have days like that. I’m like, Okay, this is this is why it’s helpful. But, um, no, I mean, I think like, I picked up guitar and stuff like that, again, like, I would do music. Um, but I didn’t just make myself busy. I think like, I realized that I needed a support system the most. And, you know, doing life alone, especially after being in a long term relationship like that, as serious as it was. It was lacking a little bit and so I just built it up as best as I could. Yeah, I

Chris Seiter 24:54
mean, I that’s kind of like the the cliche answer that everyone I feel like in their heart kind of knows, but they’re they, they think there’s like some other big trick to it. One of the things I’ve been talking a lot about is trying to find a purpose that you kind of care a little bit more about than your X. Did you find? Did you find that helpful at all? Did you? Did you kind of approach it with that type of mindset? Or was it more of just initially starting out thinking like, I’m gonna do all these things will kind of dull the pain a little bit, and then you find yourself enjoying those things?

Brandon 25:27
And no, it’s definitely the second one. Like, at first, I was just like, I was heartbroken, literally, um, you know, I can eat, do stuff like that. And I think quickly, I realized that, if I didn’t snap myself out of it, I was never going to snap out of it. Um, and so I’m a junior in college. And so I was like, Okay, I’ve got, I’ve got a year and a half, I’ve got a year and a half until a master’s program. What do I need to do to get there? And so I basically just went crazy in terms of I was scheduling meetings with teachers, I was, you know, doing the extra like going the extra mile in terms of building relationships with people. And I’m like, not just that, but trying to figure out like my career path, because, you know, I want to go into like, sports marketing of some type. And so where are the opportunities? And so I remember I would meet with a teacher, we would get my resume together. And we’d be like, Okay, well, what internship opportunities can I look at for this upcoming summer, and like, this is back in October. And internships only been open until like, August, or not, not August, like January. And so I just, I went headfirst into, you know, just just that, and not even just that, but like, whenever I had coaching with Anna, like, her homework was crazy, like so much information. And I remember she gave me books because she told me she was like, yeah, like she she told me her, like, basically her her pedigree or whatever, of like schooling. And then she gave me a bunch of books to read. So like, reading a couple of those like, I mean, I’m starting never split the difference now. by Chris Voss. That one’s pretty good. There’s, it’s the yellow one. I think it’s the power of influence, I think. Yeah, that’s the one I’m reading. And then there was another one. Oh, I mean, calling the emotional storm, but that one’s just a pug. Like, I just listened to it. Whenever I I

Chris Seiter 27:24
feel I guess you got like an audible just to kind of like, listen,

Brandon 27:27
yeah, when I drive on three hour, three hour trip.

Chris Seiter 27:29
Yeah, dude, I’m with you there.

I’m all over that. Yeah, my favorite of those is usually never split the difference, but only because it really teaches you the tools on how to get through to someone who does not want to hear what you want to hear. But yeah, I mean, you had, you’ve had a really interesting, unique approach to this. And I’m kind of curious, while you’re doing all this self work, did you see any kind of difference from your ex at all? Was she a little bit kind of like a moth to flame drawn to it? Or is it has it been the opposite?

Brandon 28:07
When I was a no contact, um, basically, I, I, I basically told myself, I was like, I am not gonna read into my ex, because I will overanalyze it, and I’m just not going to look into it. And so I just ignored her. Like, I mean, not in my not a bad way. She said something to me, I’d say, hey, you know, stuff like that, you know, cuz I’m seeing her in class. Like, I literally swim two lanes away from her every day. This is like six days a week, so I can’t just ignore. Um, but no, I definitely noticed as soon as I got out of limited out of my no contact. Um, it was her birthday. I was like, Hey, happy birthday. Um, you know, really hope you have a good time. And so she was like, thank you so much. And then oh, my second reach out. I was like, Hey, did you see the new Spider Man trailer? And no, she did not like that at all. And she was like, she literally, I think she was like, Dude, are you serious? It was negative response. And I was like, wow, let’s talk. We’re

Chris Seiter 29:04
talking about movies, apparently. Gotcha.

Brandon 29:06
Yeah. Yeah. Even though she’s like, she’s a huge Marvel fan loves going to the movies. Like they, my team goes and watches them, like, on all the premieres. And so I was like, okay, that’s weird. But then her sister texts me on Thanksgiving, and says Happy Thanksgiving, but at 9am 9pm at night. Wonder why. And then we get back. And basically, my ex pretends like I’m not really there, but she’s like, laughing at my jokes kind of warming up. And I think like, the next week, she like comes up and just starts talking to me about one of the tests that we had. And I was like, Why, like, this is so weird. And like, we’re laughing together, having a good time. And then, you know, I, I would design garlic effect. I basically, like took the high point and I said, okay, cool, walked away. Like, and we’re in the middle of our cafeteria, and so I’m out through that I think we had a swim meet. And I said, Hey, congrats on this race. And she goes, thanks and walks away. So I was like, bro, what the heck? Like, this is so weird. And then I get a text. Like, I know, I’m like, I’m giving you all the examples, but hope this helped, right? Like, yeah. No. And then like, not even a couple days later, I get a text and like, I’m sick with the flu. And she goes, Hey, can you bring my HDMI cable to practice today? I had forgotten, like, it was from like, like, it had been three and a half months. And I was just like, Sure. And when I brought it, I was like, like, she almost looked hesitant to come approach me about it. And so I just said, Hey, I got your HDMI cable, you go. And she was like, Oh, thanks. And I was like, Yeah, you know, I was just thinking about keeping it forever, you know? And just like, joked around, she goes, I mean, now they’re, like, 20 bucks, and it kind of set in like a mean ish way. And I just said, Oh, okay, I was wondering why you texted me about it. And then just just left it at that. But it just, it was like, so hot and cold and like, I won’t want my mom text her. And she’s like, super like, like positive to my mom, which don’t, don’t recommend that for anyone else. Like, don’t don’t look, they’re gonna try to reach out. I’m just saying like, I didn’t know about it. I didn’t know, stuff happens. But I was I was way out of no contact. Like I was basically building like rapport in a way my nn eyes like program like through coaching coaching is great as well. Like just putting that out there if you think that if you can afford it, I’d say do it. Because whether or not you get them back or not, it is a step by step way to get better. And so Anna just told me she’s like, it’s just gonna take time you’re building rapport, it’s just time so much with

Chris Seiter 31:47
like a potential fearful avoidant, it’s like the, the period of time when you’re getting responses, just you’re not you’re not experiencing anything that hundreds of other people who’ve come through the program have experience with fearful avoidance with that hot and cold behavior. Yeah, I’m wondering, how has it turned it? Or is it just been pretty consistent this way the entire time?

Brandon 32:10
Um, so let’s see, the last reach out I had was actually Christmas. Um, so I just text her a simple like, Hey, Merry Christmas. Because we also do a lot of stuff together in our club. I’m the president, and she’s our national rep. And so like we taught, we have to talk anyways. And she just liked the message. Okay, like didn’t even didn’t even say Merry Christmas back, I think. Okay, cool. Thanks. And so I kind of just took the time. I this is this is what I told Anna was that I kind of grew a lot of resentment towards her during that process of up and down kind of in her just being like, really weird. And so I was growing a lot of like hatred in a way like not hatred, but just anger. And I didn’t like it, because that’s not who I am. And so I kind of took, you know, that time away from her, like, physically, and I said, I’m not going to worry about her, not going to talk to her. And so after the Merry Christmas thing, a couple days later, I said, you know, I’m just gonna delete her contact, I can get it back. I was like, I know people with her number. But right now, I don’t need that. And I didn’t. And so I deleted it. And get back to school get COVID and haven’t talked. I’m just haven’t talked to her since. I mean, then again, I also haven’t been there to talk to her. I just don’t I don’t want to just text her outright. Because she might. She might be weird about especially since I can just walk up talk to her practice. Yeah, but uh, that’s the one different thing about my situation is like, the texting portion is Yeah, yeah.

Chris Seiter 33:47
Yeah, I mean, I think like the the, like, the asset or the problem, however you look at is the fact that you can see her theoretically every day in person. So like, specifically, it’s hard to create some space between the two of you like ideally, the No Contact Rule is supposed to do that. But you really weren’t able to do a No Contact Rule, you kind of do a limited no contact rule. So that idea of space existing and desire existing in space rather, isn’t really there for you. So like, it’s hard for her to desire you when she can see you like a constant reminder. But you got the right attitude. And I think that’s the key that I want to harp on here. Which is like, it’s really challenging for a lot of people to get to this point emotionally where they’re just like, You know what, I’m not really like, I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. If I don’t get them back. How long did it take you to from start to finish to like, get to that point?

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Brandon 34:43
Yeah. Well, when that when the breakup first happened, of course, like that’s when that’s when I start but, and I’d be lying if I said I’m still like, I like I’m 100% like, Okay, now like I am, like I would say like nine times out of 10 I’m going to be okay, but at Every now and then you get that little bit of grief. Yeah. And one thing that I learned from like emotional, like calming the emotional storm is feel it. Like it’s okay. Like, just feel it. Because if you try to suppress it, you’ll end up in the same situation with like a blow up. And so, you know, there’s some days where I just get really upset, and I’m like, What the heck, like, You’re stupid. Like, and, you know, like, and I’ll be like, I don’t understand why you did that. But I’d say it definitely took like, a solid, two, three months of just working on myself, figuring out what I wanted. Because, you know, one thing about a breakup is you need to figure out, Is this what you really wanted. And so I remember I would post something in the group and someone was like, Well, you’ve known or your whole college experience. Now you don’t. So you get to choose whether or not you want to continue with her. And so I mean, that that helped. But I think another big one, too, is that I, this is something really, I think would help other people is that it’s, if you’re doing the right work, other people notice, like other people notice. And that’s one thing I’ve no like, I’ve definitely seen is, you know, whether it’s other girls, I’ve started talking to sense or my friends, like, they’ll say, Wait, so you did this, this and this. And you’re like, like, you’re acting like this right now. Why did she, huh? Yeah. And so, you know, if you do the right work, if you focus on yourself, you can’t go wrong, and other people notice. And, I mean, I, I really do believe that whether or not you get your ex back, if you work on yourself, you’re gonna get someone way better, they’re gonna treat you way better either way. Like, because I mean, you are ungettable. You know, that’s what you got to live life. Like, like the book says, you know, you know,

Chris Seiter 36:52
it’s really insightful. What you just said is, I’ve been going through a lot of our previous success stories, and really looking at them trying to find the weird commonalities that I potentially missed the first time. The first pattern I always noticed is people with sort of the mentality that you’re talking about, which is kind of like, I’m pretty much okay, nine times out of 10, I may maybe have that one day where I’m just sort of, you know, not feeling yet. Usually, they tend that like that, that mindsets consistent throughout. But what’s really interesting is, I’ve also noticed this fear of loss component where they’ve started dating someone new, and all of a sudden their ex pays attention. So what you just said about, like, when you’re doing the work and other people notice, like, if other girls are giving you attention, that actually helps your cause? Because not only could you potentially find someone better than your ex, but also it allows your ex to weirdly enough feel more at ease, which is I’m not sure something that you potentially thought about, but no, I’ve noticed, like, Have you have you gone on dates with other people at all? Yeah, yeah. Have you? Gone? Have you liked You’re not dating anyone, though? You’re still kind of single at this point.

Brandon 38:00
Yeah, I mean, I’m talking to like, like a girl or two, not nothing like crazy serious. But I mean, like, I think there was a there was one, like, not too long ago, she had been and like a four year relationship was even engaged. And she was telling me all the like, all this stuff. And I his funny, she goes, Yeah, we broke up. Because if he he had some issues, and she just didn’t couldn’t deal with it. And he got a girlfriend two weeks later, and I wanted to be like, That’s a repo, don’t worry about it. But I was like, I’m not gonna scare with ERP stuff. Oh, and I would have

Chris Seiter 38:35
been like, attachment style. Right? Yeah. Touch is very avoidant. Yeah. Like, he actually just doesn’t feel okay with himself. Okay. Um, he’s using

the girl as a prison for his pain.

Brandon 38:49
Oh, my goodness, um, but no, like, and I started talking to her, and when we hit it off immediately. And so she, I asked her, I was like, so, um, you know, tell me a little bit about yourself. And she’s like, 23 kind of job and everything. And she was like, How old are you? I was like, Oh, I turned 21 in like, a month or two. And she was like, what age gap? Come on. At my age, man. I don’t know it, but but she told me she’s like, you know, I never would date a guy younger than me. But she’s like, you’re changing my mind. I was like, okay, cool. And like, she’s not the first one to say that. And so like, you know, it’s not just me, though. It’s like, it’s working on myself and all that other stuff. Like, when I’ve gone out on dates, I mean, they’ve walked away and they’ve been like, wow, this is amazing. But I’ve had to be like, I’m not ready. Like, I’m sorry. Like, I like you’re a great person, but I can’t give you 100% yet, and I’m sorry. And I think that’s been the hard part for me. It’s like I want to be able to give that to someone. But I can’t because you know, get

Chris Seiter 39:56
really Yeah, morally I think like your conscience. Perfect. You from from getting into a relationship with someone when you’re no when you know, like you can’t fully commit when you’re still kind of grown up a little bit. I think that’s probably a mature way of going about it. But my question for you now is has your ex found out that you’ve gone on these dates?

Brandon 40:22
Maybe? You don’t know. I don’t know. But I do know that guys on the team know that I’ve gone out on dates, like, I do know that. There was, there was one, there’s one point because we’re all on the same team, like we’re at a party and me and a girl were talking like the whole time. And then like, we had been sitting together at the caf and talking a bunch like, that whole month or whatever. So she sees me, she sees me as other girls. And so I just, I wonder, but I think for, I think another thing too. And this this goes, this is for people that directs if they don’t really have as much experience, let them find out, like, let let like, that’s the hard part is you have to let them find out what they missed. And sometimes that means they have to get hurt. And it doesn’t matter how much you love them. Like, you know, it’s gonna suck, especially if they come back. And you know, they’ve got baggage now. But you know, if you love this person, you mean cliche as it is you got to let them go. Like, let them figure out what they missed out on. And that’s that’s been what I’ve kept me going a little bit is like, I’m gonna be okay the way But will she? And so I can keep moving on. And she may come back, she may not. But, you know, once she realizes what she had, like, maybe maybe she’ll have second thoughts. Well, who knows?

Chris Seiter 41:39
Alright, so final question here. What would you consider to be the most important aspect for as cliche as it sounds your recovery after this breakup? Oh, like if you had to pick one, this is the chain part. It just one thing. One thing Oh,

Brandon 42:05
I, you know, it has to be working on yourself. But like, there’s, there’s nothing else like.

Chris Seiter 42:11
So I guess that’s like more of a time management thing. It’s like what you’re doing on time, as opposed to focusing on your ex, you’re focusing on yourself, which is, you know, the cliche thing to say, but

Brandon 42:22
yeah, works. Yeah. Yeah. And like, you know, and you’re never you’re never the first one to be doing what you’re doing right now. Like, I guarantee, you know, every person that will ever hear this will probably be like, You guys are either going asleep right now, or you’re listening to this while you’re walking around? Because that’s what I used to do. Like, I mean, I wouldn’t, I would go on walks, and I would listen to, you know, ERP stuff all the time. Like, I even got to the point where I used up all the all the the girlfriend recovery, and I listened to the the boyfriend recovery.

Chris Seiter 42:56
Yeah, it was like, rubbish. I

was like, EBR Yeah, yeah,

Brandon 42:59
I was, like, it’s the same principle, just learn how to use it a little bit differently. And so like, you know, it’s okay, like, that first month, it’s, it sucks, it sucks a lot. And you’re gonna hurt and you’re probably not gonna want to go to bed. You know, without hearing something without listening, like that anxiety is off the roof. Or, like, OT, like, out of this world. Especially if you’re like an anxious, preoccupied, like, you know, my heart goes out for you. Because, you know, you are probably going crazy right now. And so, it’s okay, it gets better. Just relax. I know, we don’t like to hear that. But just take a deep breath, relax and move on. Like, like in terms of like, just take it day by day, because no days guaranteed, but the moment that you’re in is so you know, try to live in the present. You know, like, that’s, that’s my advice is just live in the present. Because, you know, you’re gonna want to listen to the video. And I know you’re going to hear a video that says, you know, like, like time management and only give your ex an hour of your day. But in the end, like, just slowly, slowly, you will get better and like, slowly take away that time. You know, some days, you might have to give them four minutes, listen, like four hours with the podcast help you get through some days, you may only need an hour, but eventually, you’re not gonna need any. And when that day comes, that’s when you know, you’ll be ready. Because you can confidently walk on and say, I’m okay. And that’s what that’s where I’ve gotten is like, maybe every now and then the nine, like the one out of 10 I need a video. But outside of that, I’m just like, Okay, I’ll be fine. So that was my advice.

Chris Seiter 44:38
I think that’s I don’t know what else to say, man.

That’s that’s pretty much it. Yeah,

I just wanted to take a moment to say thanks for coming on and sharing your story.

Brandon 44:49
No problem, man. And I appreciate everything you guys have done. It’s it’s been life changing.

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4 thoughts on “Success Story: Why Outgrowing Your Ex May Be The Key To Getting Them Back”

  1. Ally

    April 25, 2022 at 4:44 am

    Hey Chris, really appreciate if i can get some advice..the recovery was starting well with the messages contact but he started to pull away and noe he says that he feels stupid and sorry for having even to have been with me. He wants me to move on from him..why does he think like that..?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 26, 2022 at 9:00 pm

      Hi Ally, this sounds like more of a guilt message than anything. I would suggest another NC where you spend 45 days working on yourself, start appearing as if you are dating – even if you are not ready allow socials to appear that you are doing so, live your life and spend time with your friends, socialise and make sure that you read and apply the UG information that Chris has provided.

  2. Julia

    March 3, 2022 at 1:21 pm

    Hey Chris, my bf of 1 year broke up with me about a month ago. He said he felt overwhelmed and wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. He was really upset and we left things on good terms, I told him I respected his decision and wish him all the best. I went through 3 weeks NC after which he started sending me a few messages saying he misses me, he keeps thinking about me, etc. We ended up having two phone conversations where he seemed really interested in what I’ve been up to, told me he’s been completely miserable and depressed, hasn’t rebounded at all and confided in me that he’s even starting therapy to work through his issues. I would love to get back together with him but not sure where to go from here?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 10, 2022 at 8:20 pm

      Hey Julia, you need to spend some time reading through the texting information and then reaching out with the text suggestions that Chris has made in his articles and videos.