Popular posts
The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back
How To Make Him Miss You After A Breakup
The Ungettable Girl
The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)
The Male Mind During The No Contact Rule
The Male Mind AFTER The No Contact Rule
What Your Ex Boyfriend Says Vs. What He Really Means
Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule
What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Blocks You
Signs My Ex Wants Me Back
Recent posts
Traits Avoidants Find Attractive
What Happens When A Narcissist Collapses?
How Do Avoidants Sabotage A Relationship?
Dismissive Avoidants And The No Contact Rule
The Power Of Silence After Rejection
Why Are Dismissive Avoidants Cruel?
The #1 Reason A Man Suddenly Commits
How Long Does Avoidant Deactivation Last?
How To Let Go Of An Avoidant Partner
How Do Avoidants Create Distance?
Post categories
Amelia
April 23, 2015 at 8:40 am
So what if I did all the above? We slept together months still after our break up. Then I DID the NC. But he found another girl to have sex within that Minh. And as soon as I come back, we start having sex, he tries to be “honest” by saying she is coming the other night, I flipped out, threatened to never speak to him again, so he cancelled her coming over and then gets mad at me! I’m sorry, but playing it cool was not an instinct. To tell me she is on her way to his house and that yes they are just sex, I felt like punching him through the phone! He came over to my place instead, we talked for an hour, and because I felt a lil better, I sent him a text that went on a ratio or 3’to 1, twice! So I sent 6 total texts and be only replied twice. I have hit such a low. He even said “every time I see u , you do something new to push me away.” I can’t afford anymore mistakes!! Plus he broke up with me cuz towards the end this all above is how he described me. He said he will get over it, but to give him a week or 2’of space. 1st question: Can another NC really reverse the damage of not looking like a crazy girl anymore? 2nd question: how and why?
Chris Seiter
April 23, 2015 at 1:17 pm
Yes, but it may take longer than just a few weeks to work.
Tiana
April 18, 2015 at 11:29 pm
Let’s see. I got divorced two years ago from a man that cheated and tore me down, made me feel like I could not do anything right and made me feel like I was not good enough or enough to keep him home. Last year started casually dating. I met this man and even though I was not looking for it, we fell for each other pretty fast. I have never felt like this for another person. We got pretty serious pretty quickly. We moved in together pretty quickly and spent the majority of our time with one another. One night he went to the gym, it was really the first time he had just gone and done something on his own. And it seemed as though all the insecurities I carry with me due to my marriage come crashing down around me. I started doubting how he felt about me, wondering if I was enough to keep him around and interested, and questioning things. And it made me become jealous, clingy/needy. After a few months of him living with me, for important reasons, he had to move out. And even though I knew that the reasons for him moving out were important and necessary, it made me even more insecure about our relationship. The first few months we saw each other 3 to 4 times a week. We still did so much together. But during this time it seemed as though I was always asking him when we would see each other again and if I did not get to see him for some reason I would get upset about it. As time went on I started taking offense to when he would not sit by me, hold my hand, or something else that just made me question or doubt… But also left me feeling clingy. The last couple of months he became distant and we would hardly see each other. We saw each other 1 time in 5 weeks… I knew he was pulling away and he was telling me that he needed space, he needed me not to always ask when we were going to see each other. I tried to do the things that he asked, but it would seem like days would go by when we wouldn’t see each other and all of a sudden it would effect me emotionally. And I would get frustrated with him. About 3 weeks ago we broke up. It is not what I want but we agreed on it. He says that he wants to still be my friend, he calls and texts me just like when we were together, that we are just not together right now because he needs his freedom and his space. He says that us breaking up does not change the fact that he loves me and cares about me. And he tells me that he wants to be with me but he can’t right now, that he cannot be what I need him to be right now. I am not sure how to fix this even though I feel like it can be fixed. These last few weeks I have been letting him initiate contact with me and avoiding all the clingy behavior. Some days I feel like we are making progress in the right direction, but I do not know for sure. I have been trying to spend time improving myself. I have quit smoking, lost weight, started eating healthier, have redone myself with a haircut, contacts instead of my glasses, a new skin care regimen (my skin has always made me a little insecure). I am trying to find things that I like to do because I am not sure I had really done this since my divorce. I am doing things already that you advise doing, but I just do not know what to do to win this man back.
Chris Seiter
April 20, 2015 at 9:20 pm
Ya… if he just went to the gym and you got insecure on him then I can see why that would raise a red flag for him.
I think honestly time is your best friend here.
You have a decent shot of winning him back.
misty
April 9, 2015 at 11:57 pm
hi chris I just read this and this has got to be the most helpful this ive ever read when it came to men. I have to say I am the girl you talk about to badly but that my fault not yours im going through a break up and i really love the guy though he is something else im not ready to give up because of my neediness and insecurities. so there for ii will write down these steps and do what i need to do to get my man back wish me luck. its been three yrs an
Tiffany
April 2, 2015 at 8:21 pm
I found this article quite interesting, I have a rather different story I think, I work with the guy he started here last summer and I always had a little cursh on him but i never said anything then he came out to a bar with me and a friend for my birthday which was in january, and we started seeing eachother right after it was pretty great, we were texting all the time, he always wanted to see me, he was okay wait for sex I think we waited about 5 weeks, anyway for certain reasons the last 5 years of his life havent been to normal and he hasnt had a girlfriend, im the first person hes seen since, he has two kids from a different relationship,about two months in i asked if we were together he told me labels scarred him but he didnt want to see anyone else, i was okay with that, then things started to kind of dwindle he wasnt wanting to come over every night which is fine really I have life to I just enjoyed seeing him, and he didnt text as much, he does work long hours and he is 8 years older than me (im 29) and he isnt a huge fan of texting…but then it dwindled even more to the point where I was getting completely neurotic…I know what I did…It was watching myself be a this girl im not but i couldnt stop myself…I started asking him if he wanted to quit seeing me he said no he just liked being alone sometimes, and he was trying to make sure he was making the right decisions, this went on until this week it hit its all time worst…he stayed the night friday and got drunk and stupid and I was sober…so I was annoyed he had to get up for saturday I usually get up with him but I just stayed in bed…he came in and gave me a big long hug and I thought I was going to see him that night but he ended up kind of blowing me off…the next day we had plans to go to bass pro but he blew that off too..saying he had alot to …he hasnt been feeling to good…(i should say I gave him a gift about a week ago to which he responded with ” thankyou that was very thoughtful and caring im so glad youre in my life) also he got drunk one night and told me he loved me during sex…never said it again…i pretended not to hear it because I wasnt ready and I brought it up in a fight after that asking why he said it…anyway back to this sunday…I text him…no response…I text him again…no response (yes im aware of my behavior) likr 4 texts later he responds that he is very sorry but that he wasnt feeling good and had been asleep….I got a little cooky..I asked him again if he wanted to quit seeing me, why was he ignoring, asking him to just talk to me that im an easy going person and id understand and if he didnt want to see me anymore he should just tell me…this was monday…I got nothing…no response after 5 texts…in the morning being the idiot I am I couldnt help myself and asked him ” can you answer me now” he did he said ” i guess im just taking a step back to evaluate myself to see if im making the right decisions, im sorry if ive blown you off while i do it, also i havent been feeling good so im sure thats part of it” thats all well and good and I respect that but he didnt answer my question does he still want to see me…so i asked…nothing…now i see him all day every day at work we dont talk becauase we are busy but I see him…got to work he still had answered me…i was sure at this point he was done with me ( i mean any sane guy would be done because ive went nuts right?) so around 10am I shot him a text saying ” look its simple itl take 5 seconds yes you are done or no you arent” I figured he said yes..but he said no….but still ignored me…he told me he did like me and did care about me but why wont he talk to me… then around 8:30 last night he played an april fools joke texting me telling me hed gotten drunk and wrecked his car” he thought it was funny…I dont know what to do..I dont like the person this has turned me into checking my phone every 5 seconds, blowing up his phone like a crazed idiot…thats not me…he hasnt ended it with me but he wont talk to me… I work with him thought I mean like i said we dont talk to much here, I just want things to be fun and easy I really care about him and im confused by whats going on and what i should do, please help!!
Maritess
March 31, 2015 at 9:37 am
Hey, Chris. It’s your favorite screwball.
So, I did NC. And the first couple times I texted him were brief and fun. Then the third time, I probably moved too fast and brought up the whole “shared memory” thing before he was ready… because he went silent and two days later replied “No clue what you’re talking about.” (OK, mister amnesia. I’m sorry someone hit on the head with a coconut.) Whatever. I laughed and brushed it off. Two days after that, he starts following me on Instagram and liking my pictures. (???)
ANYWAY. The thing you have to know about me is that I am book smart, but sometimes clueless when it comes to popular culture. I haven’t had a TV in eight years. And I only started Instagram to stay in contact with my sister since I recently moved for work. I didn’t know what the heck I was doing. Soooo… last week, I took a trip to a cool city for a couple days (also for work), then tried to upload like 12 photos in succession… in an attempt to create an album. ONLY I GUESS INSTAGRAM ISN’T LIKE THAT AND I TOTALLY CLOGGED UP HIS FEED. So of course Prince Charming gets annoyed and probably thinks I’m nuts and “unfollows” me. Whatever.
Next day, I send him a text to apologize for the dumb mistake. But I guess he was still humorless about it, and didn’t reply. Two hours later, I read about the gas explosion in Manhattan (only a mile away from where he just moved to). I sent another text saying: “I just read about the explosion in Manhattan. I really hope you’re okay. Please be safe.” Two hours later, he responded with “Thx.” What a dork. I know he thinks I’m a spaz, but he’s the spaz.
So that was 5 days ago. I haven’t texted him since, and a week ago I took down my trip photos and transferred them somewhere better equipped for that stuff. Now what should I do? Go back into NC all over again? His birthday is in 16 days… Should I wait until then to text him? That would be 21 days. *$^@(%#$*!#
PS: Badass podcast, btw. I’m gonna record something this week 🙂
admin
March 31, 2015 at 10:46 pm
Definitely do record one.
Also, he is a spaz.
Maritess
April 1, 2015 at 2:25 am
I’m a little confused… 1) Should I go full-fledged into “No Contact” again because of this bump? 21 days marks his birthday. Or 30 days, if you think it’s right..
2) Should I occasionally post a photo on Instagram?
Maritess
March 31, 2015 at 9:50 am
Also, if I am “No Contacting” him, do I just stop posting on my Instagram? Because I haven’t posted since.
What’s your rule on that kind of stuff? He’s probably still looking, huh?
admin
March 31, 2015 at 10:46 pm
Yes, and your Facebook if you have one.
sk
March 29, 2015 at 8:17 am
hi i was seeing this guy fr 6 months. In the beginning he was totally into me. He told me he cant guarantee about our future together as he is from a conservative family and we should get to know each other first. After 3 4 months he told me he cant go against his family and i should move on. But i was sticking to him. Encouraging him to do something and take a stand for me. This further pushed him away. He asked me why all the time i am pressurising him for marriage. Later on during one of our fights he blurted out that i am the kind of girl who wants constant attention and he cant be around me all the time. He is not compatible with me and he doesn’t want any relationship with me. Indirectly he told me i am clingy. Due to my job i had to move to a different city. But before shifting he called me several times as i stopped receiving his calls. He wanted to meet me. We met and he wanted to spend time with me. Nxt day i texted him again.. And once again he went cold. He even told me to talk to him..to share things with him as he doesn’t want to lose me as a person. I started texting him why isnt he is texting me or talking to me. To that he again got annoyed and told me he doesn’t want to talk to me now. I am upset. I blocked him so that i could not text him. But he has not called me. What should i do to get him back. Is there any chance?
admin
March 29, 2015 at 2:05 pm
Sure there’s a chance but you definitely have to shed the clingy look.
sk
March 30, 2015 at 12:25 pm
I have stopped calling and txting him. This has happened in the past. When i step back he would appear. But he never gave a proper relationship. He told me he doesn’t want to commit. He used to spend time with me( no physical relation) and meet me. But asa i used to raise the topic of commitment he would back off and stopped talking to me. Before i moved to the new city he even told me to he would meet me..and asked me to talk to him through texts. But 5 days back i asked him y aint he texting me..he told me if i m texting him all these thn he dznt want to talk. What should i do to make him miss me? Will he commit to me?
Sam
March 27, 2015 at 5:36 am
I recently met this guy at uni, and we’re in a group for several subjects assignments. He’s 4 years older than me, I’m 18. Well I looked on this post and realised I was guilty of being a text gnat, and I have been one for some time. I’ve been a text gnat with everybody in my life basically. So I realised that my text gnattiness may be the reason he hasn’t been replying to my messages as often. I mainly talked about uni-related stuff but when I started texting normally then he seemed to withdraw after the first couple of conversations. Person to person we’ve been flirting so far, but I want to make sure he doesn’t see me as some annoying kid as well Is there any way I can reverse that? Have a do-over of some sort, so he doesn’t think I’m an oddball?
Lilly
March 24, 2015 at 2:24 pm
I had been with the most amazing guy for 10 years. He never really wanted to get married but I pushed for an engagement. He tried so hard to win me in the beginning. Trips to Paris…he is also very moral and loyal. Our wedding was in June. He called it off two weeks ago. I’m clingy and controlling. I was involved in every aspect of his life. He said he loves me but doesn’t know if he loves me enough and he needs to see if he misses me. I have done everything wrong since the breakup, cried, called, text, slept with him 3-4 times. I’m guessing I need to do no contact. Do you think he will miss me? Do you think he will want me back? By the way I’m devastated, and he seems fine. He is out at bars with mutual friends all the time. Is he just glad I’m gone?
admin
March 31, 2015 at 6:44 pm
10 years is a long time and he still didn’t want to marry you?
Ok, I think definitely NC is the way to go.
You are definitely a little too desperate right now but hopefully you can turn that around.
Mira
March 23, 2015 at 10:41 pm
So I’ve been seeing this guy for about 5 months, last week I thought he was talking to another girl i got so frustrated and by mistake told him that i wanted to let go, it was a moment of anger and i explained it to him, But then I realized i was wrong and I’ve been trying to fix my mistake since then, I text him long texts explaining everything but he seems like he is punishing me, his responds are cold and he keeps saying i asked for this when all i’ve been trying to do now is tell him it was a mistake and i made it so obvious i do not want to let go, he doesn’t tell me that he wants nothing to do with me i asked him and he said I dont know and then he said let’s give it time and see and he also told me i mean alot to him but what happened cannot be thrown behind our backs, he is not letting me go either in a way but what is he trying to do??? I understand all that I kinda might have seemed clingy or desperate this past week but i was only trying to make him understand where i am coming from, but still he was being cold and acting as if he does not care. What is he thinking exactly? I told him to stop by yesterday if he can because texting isn’t making anything better he told me he’ll see if he can make it but he never did, so after that i texted him saying that i have been putting so much effort but you are only pushing me away and it’s letting us drift apart so he texted me saying “and you are putting effort after causing this so that makes you think you’re the good person here and i am the bad guy, and then i told you i’ll see if i can make it I didn’t tell you for sure” I didnt reply to that and i think i should, maybe it’s time to ignore it and start the NC rule. Right?? Please tell me what you think of this situation and what is the best to do?
admin
March 25, 2015 at 7:54 pm
Yes, start the no contact rule. You hit it right on the head.
ArmyGirl
March 19, 2015 at 5:13 pm
Does it take a moment for a comment to load?
admin
March 22, 2015 at 3:39 pm
Hi Army Girl,
No, I have to approve all comments.
(To make sure they are legitimate.)
ArmyGirl
March 19, 2015 at 4:00 am
Hello Chris,
Your website is very helpful. I am on day 10 of NC. Listening to your podcast and reading the E-Book have made me more at ease everyday. NC is very difficult for me.
My ex boyfriend was literally my best friend since I moved for my job in the Army. We were best friends initially and then started to date. I was the ungettable girl for him at the beginning of our relationship for sure. We had been dating for 14 months and were planning to take a trip to Europe together this summer and I have no doubt that our sexual chemistry and love for each other was there. I admit I am clingy and needy now and I often check his phone things that were no “kosher”.
In December I found a screenshot of a girl from Tinder after we took a break and I asked if he has pursued other girls during our break and he said no and that someone just sent him that picture.
In February we took some time apart (instead of spending every day together) after Valentine’s Day, saying that he missed me as an independent girl who would blow him off and do my own thing – be sexy for him – the ungettable girl for sure!
Since Valentines we had the best three weeks in our relationship. We did a scavenger hunt in our town, went to a ball together, and ran a half marathon together on the three weekends! But I definitely had trust issues after December and like most girls I would check his phone periodically.
Well I found his Facebook was linked to the Tinder app in the second weekend after Valentine’s Day. So I downloaded it and searched for myself. I found him and it said active two weeks ago (which was during our break).
I brought it up on Sunday two weekends ago and he became very upset and he said “Why do you not trust me and go through my phone?” “I have never cheated on you” “I let you have my phone and password and you should trust me”- he ended up breaking up with me saying that he is “done with the relationship” because I had made him feel “untrusted and like dirt”.
I wouldn’t tell him how I found out but I told him I searched on Tinder myself.
I don’t think he has ever cheated on me. I trust him so much – I am just uncomfortable with him being on Tinder. Why do guys use it – do some just use it for an Ego boost?
Why would he break up with me on a dime like that!? I feel so bad for ever bringing it up and I will do anything to get him back!
I am going to continue NC and then initiate the first text and then ask for lunch looking hotter and skinnier than ever before! I have already lost a few pounds since he has broken up with me – mostly because I have no appetite (girls know what I mean).
Thank you so much Chris and I hope that you answer this or address it in one of your podcasts!
admin
March 21, 2015 at 3:43 pm
Yes, the NC is extremely challenging.
Some use it for an ego boost and some use it for sex.
All in all I don’t like tinder one bit.
ArmyGirl
April 8, 2015 at 9:00 pm
Chris,
I completed 30 days no contact and he sent me a text saying that he collected the rest of my things and to let him know when he can get them to me. Is this a sign that he is totally over me? Is it ok to ask him to lunch to exchange the things? He unfriended me on Facebook and unfollowed me on Instagram and removed me as a follower. I think because I hadn’t responded to his message for three days and I posted a bunch of fun pictures to Facebook and Instagram. I think I’ve done a good job to make it look like I’m moving on. What do you think about that? Should I ask him to lunch to exchange things?
Thank you Chris!
F deeley
March 15, 2015 at 5:52 pm
My boyfriend and I met nearly 2 years ago and we sent a few texts but never went out as I gave him the brush off really. We met again 9 months ago and slowly started our relationship.
He is a complex character he lost his mum and dad when he was 9 which he has told me he has really struggled with over the last 2 years. He has opened to me about this a lot and said he considered couselling. I told him I thought it was a good idea but didn’t want to push him into it. He had one serious relationship before me which ended when his girlfriend cheated on him. This has made him insecure.
In the last few months he has started to talk about our long term future all initiated by him. We’ve had a weekend away together and planned holidays. He has mentioned marriage and kids in passing but I’ve tried to avoid talking about him.
Recently he has started to pull away from me. I know when things get on top of him he shuts people out and goes into a mode where he ‘protects’ himself. I know deep down he loves me and wants a future but I think he has almost scared himself. On top of this he has had major problems with a house renovation which has not helped. When I have tried to be helpful I realise that it may have come across clingy. I have tried to give him space but every time like I feel we take a few steps forward we then move back.
I’m love him and I kno he loves me but I am now thinking should I sugges we take a break to make him realise what he is missing out on. I’m just so scared that if that happens I will lose him forever. He said he cant believe how lucky he is to have found a girl who understands him but I think he needs to realise this again and think about my feelings.
admin
March 18, 2015 at 6:35 pm
I am working on a post on mixed signals right now that I think would be a great read for you!
S
March 12, 2015 at 10:44 pm
I’ve been seeing a guy off and on for the last year. But he has pulled away from me since I’ve moved back to town. He starts to make plans with me then we don’t fall through on them. I am guilty of over texting him because I felt lonely and wanted to see him so much since it’s been awhile. We talk a lot still but he tells me to stay focused and get things going for myself again then we can get together again down the line. Did I mess things up by being clingy or too needy?
admin
March 13, 2015 at 8:27 pm
Yes you did but that doesn’t mean you can’t get him back.
S
March 17, 2015 at 6:26 pm
He tells me I’m a good girl, not sure if that is a compliment or not.
admin
March 18, 2015 at 9:00 pm
I personally think it is.
S
March 17, 2015 at 6:00 pm
What’s the best way to go about getting him back? No contact?
admin
March 18, 2015 at 9:00 pm
At first but thats only half the equation.
S
March 19, 2015 at 5:44 pm
What would be the other half? I’m probably focusing on it too much so it feels like it won’t turn around anytime soon.
admin
March 22, 2015 at 3:40 pm
During and After NC (what you do and how you aproach your ex.)
S
April 6, 2015 at 11:40 pm
Hi again!
So me and the guy reconnected in person a few weeks back and things went great. I didn’t contact him for a week after then he started contacting me all of a sudden however when I started reciprocating he backed off and got distant again.. What did I do wrong?
S
March 23, 2015 at 5:51 am
Yes
S
March 10, 2015 at 9:55 pm
So, my ex boyfriend and I were in a long distant relationship for s year and a half. The first 6 months were amazing of course, like the “perfect couple” can’t live without type of relationship. It was pretty serious to the extent we planned to get married when he was done studying. Here’s the thing… I started getting insecure, majorly! I did everything I wasn’t suppose to do in the relationship, plus post break up craziness. He says I’m not the girl he fell in love with, I’m pushy, the most demanding girl he’s ever met, clingy, make everything about myself and because he knew I loved him a lot he always had the upper hand and broke up with me over silly things when he wanted his way, naturally I gave in. This time, he was pretty determined and told me I make it so difficult for him to leave. Also, it’s too risky being with me because his studying medicine, and the fights were unbearable. So basically his scared to be in a relationship with me now. I begged him for like 4 hours straight on the phone asking him to take me back, called him every few days after stalking his profiles which made me even more crazy when I realized his moving on with life without me and showing interest in other girls, which he was doing while with me but told me it meant nothing.. In fact that was what the fights were mainly about and he couldn’t handle it eventually.. But really, he once told me that I’m the reason he doesn’t go out looking for any eye candy so of course I was going to question his sudden interest in other girls and it scared the heck out of me losing him to any of them and the fact that they were prettier made my self esteem lower since he always loved certain features about me.. and I’m quite ashamed for the desperation I showed but I wasnt in any rational state and I let all my emotions get the better of me and sent him a million long deep messages about past memories and how much I loved him and the future we were suppose to have blah blah blah…. Of course that only left him with telling me how I’m making him regret more and more why he left me and I should respect the decision that he made and that it’s the best thing for the both of us, and for him the good times were just not enough and the bad times were more.. His main reasoning is that we’re incompatible. His priorities have changed and doesn’t want to be in a relationship or want to get married any time soon.. (The only reason he was going to marry me after his studies was coz of course.. he met me and anothe reason my family would want me to get married once my studies were done as well) .. And he’d be more than happy to be my friend.. So I told him I want to earn being with him and hopefully I can show him that through friendship (I really had no idea how I was going to do that, I guess I was just scared again) and he said he feels that somehow being friends with me is giving me more hope. And I should move on. And that he’s so much happier than when he was in the relationship with me. And the worst part is.. I always felt like a burden to him when he was cold and distant in the whole year and he had to rub it in and make me feel even more horrible. Oh well..
We are very similar in nature, our flaws are even the same.. We always tried to make one another understand what we were feeling in our own twisted way and never saw eye to eye on it. To me, it seems the day I lost my self respect and dropped my standards when my insecurities kicked in is the day he started disrespecting and devaluing me. It is my first relationship with a guy, and the first serious relationship he has been in also. He knows that since small, I’ve always been the type of person that wasn’t very confident because I’m nicer to the people that always hurt me, even when he use to hurt me I’d be the one to make it up even if I was hurting so not being able to stand up for myself always lowered my self esteem.
He told me I make him feel safe and secure but that’s not enough.. And what he feels is just the tip of the ice berg. His not really one that’s good at expressing how he feels unless I inspired him then I’d get a long message but the last that happened was in our “honeymoon phase” and on our anniversaries.
When he broke up with me, he told me he wasn’t comfortable when he use to meet me and even our phone conversations were awkward. Firstly, whenever we met.. Yes I’d have to beg him to meet me because where his studying is away from home so in the holidays he had to pass my hometown to get to his.. So I had to beg him to stop and I guess me having to do that already made me feel like I had to be something that impressed him to make it worth it for him meeting me.. And he’d message me after and say he loved the date and can’t wait to see me again and meeting up is the only thing that keeps us together.. So I didn’t worry about the “not being myself” thing. Same goes with the phone conversations, he eventually stopped calling me and I started calling him and I’m not the type of girl to phone the guy, so already it made me tensed when the phone was ringing and what am I going to say and I just completely forgot how to be myself because I was so focused on trying to get this guys attention more than anything else.. And if I have to try to explain to him that I wasn’t completely myself with him because I was so worried about messing things up on our dates or awkward because I can’t be someone I’m not, he’d see it as another excuse since I tried to give him a million excuses why things would work out. I’m the type of person that’s a people pleaser unfortunately, I’d always try to be the best that they want me to be. He does know this and I know confidence is something that a guy likes in a woman… It plays a major role.
I did the no contact thing, after he told me he ignored my last long lovey dovey message and replied casually asking how I am.. I never reply to that message. Two weeks later, he messaged me to ask how I am, and his been wondering about me and hopes I’m looking after myself. I never reply. It’s been about two weeks since that message and one month no contact. I used the time to heal and pull myself together. I’m glad that I’m myself again, I do feel a lil fear of losing him forever in me still but I push the thoughts away with not letting my emotional side get the better of me. I just needed some personal space completely away from him and everything and from social networks to pull myself together. On thing about me is that I’m pretty unpredictable.. When it comes to handling someone hurting me, I can easily stop caring, cut them off and not bother since I’ve been dealing with those kind of people my whole life. I’ve come to a point that when someone hurts me, I can take it to a certain point and then I’m like that’s it.. I can’t do this anymore.. I’m done and it’s made me stronger over the years. This situation.. Yes it hurts me but not as much as it did 4 weeks ago, I guess coz I’m not stalking him lol. It has made me maturer and I I realised that I have a lot of flaws that I need to work on and it’s an opportunity to be someone better. But then you think.. Why did my flaws have to come out with the perfect guy?!
One thing I do know for sure, we both truly wish that things could be like the first 6 months. He doesn’t see me as the girl he fell in love with. He did also mention to me once that if I don’t bring back that girl he fell for, then things are never going to be okay.. I was always the patient, kind and understanding one, and there were times if I was not emotionally clouded I could have handled the situation entirely different, in a mature and rational manner. I kept drowning in this emotional pit and expected him to sort the situation out by putting some effort instead of being so cold and distant and was naggy and always complained. He also pointed out that I don’t appreciate what he does for me or don’t notice it.
My situation is so complicated I feel like no matter how many internet sites I may read which I have been doing this entire month (it somehow gives me confidence and stops me from breaking down), I know what I have to do and it’s just to be myself and the girl he fell in love with but I just get really nervous about it. I don’t want to be the one to initiate contact because that is not me and it’s going to set me back again, and he knows I want him back according to my last message that he got from me. I can’t be friends with him either because it’s just going to be too painful to go through that whole re-attraction phase and it’s going to frustrate me eventually if things don’t work out and I’m probably going to get hurt again. I haven’t been on social networks from the time he broke up with me, so it’s like I’ve completely disappeared just like he’s been pushing me out of his life for the past year and finally pushed me away completely out of his life of good. I usually do that when I feel upset which he knows about as well but this time it’s been really long and I feel happier being away from everything and from the hurt that I feel I’m about to expose myself to, and just happy in my little shell stuck with memories and wishing that he’d magically call and save me the trouble of heartache and tell me he misses me and made a big mistake. But he’s so stubborn and once his made up his mind, nothing can change it. I know, he does probably miss me but he won’t do anything about it. And since its long distance it’s even more difficult. He’s the type of guy that likes the chase, okay All guys do. But he doesn’t see me as valuable like he used to, to want to chase me or fight for me and evidently his not even afraid of losing me, like how he use to always tell me he’d be lost without me and he doesn’t know what he’d do without me and hopes we make it through things. And he was superly protective over me to the point that my cousins made him jealous.
I’m glad he pointed out all of my flaws.. And definitely working on all them.. As for the good things that he saw in me I’m aiming to be 10x better than that coz I know i have the potential.. Being single and independent always made me set the highest standards to the point I didn’t think I’d ever find the right guy and always played the hard one to get… With him at the beginning I guess that’s why he was so interested I was always the mystery type of girl.. But when it comes to someone I’m interested in and really value.. It’s like my standards just drop! Everything just seems sooooo impossible.. Sometimes no matter how I’m feeling inside, I feel like coz of all the hurtful things he told me I just wanna let him be happy and live his life but then again, it’s those good times that we spent together in the first 6 months filled with love, care and so much of respect that nags me to want to make things work out. But why should I put in all this effort for prince charming who swept me off my feet and made me fall madly in love with him and then swept me away like I meant nothing at all. It’s crazy how we can still love the people who hurt us and want to fight for people who wouldn’t fight for us. Is this all worth it? The guy that I fell in love with is, not the jerk that he turned into.
One last thing… Showing him that I’m happy at this point can also push away, making him realise how much happier I am away from the relationship.. This guy is soo confusing. Like he wants me to be myself and the girl he fell in love with who was a happy carefree person that let nothing get me down.. But also seeing me in that way again could also push him away for good!
Lol I think you get my super long story here already.. So, considering my very long story and rather complicated situation, what do you think?
Zoe
March 14, 2015 at 6:05 pm
Hey Girl, I read your really long but very interesting story here and I feel for you completely! Im in a similar situation and it is one of the hardest things in life to get through a breakup when you are still in love. But it is important to look forward and learn to get go of things and people that were not meant for us.
I think you are doing a great job with the no contact, that is the only way a man might miss you and contact again. But even if he contacts, it dosnt mean he wants to get back together…maybe it is for an ego stroke, testing waters, feeling lonely etc…
Unfortunately, you really cant control others or make them love you or be with you, but hey, the good news is that it doesnt matter…You have grown and learnt so much as a result of this breakup, be proud of yourself and just focus on you and love yourself. I think you should just let go of the thought of being with this guy again. At least for now. Because you keep going though the would should could haves and not paying attention to what IS. And what is right now is that you are not together bc he was not making you happy, was not satisfying your emotional needs etc and you became insecure. Remmber that if it was meant to be, it will happen, if not, be grateful for the good times and the lesson and move on to someone better who will actually make you happy. xxx
admin
March 13, 2015 at 6:58 pm
I think your problem is that you are too available for him.
If you can flip the situation to your advantage some amazing things can happen.
S
March 10, 2015 at 9:56 pm
Dated for a year and a half* oops typo!
Needing advice
March 8, 2015 at 6:56 pm
So here is my situation. My and ex boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 and a half years. I found out that he broke up with because he felt like I was too controlling and clingy and that I was not super supportive of his interests. We have been broken up for 3 weeks now. The only contact that I have had with him was when I had to give him back some of his stuff. Even then, he treated me just like he did right before we started dating. I found out through a common friend that he broke up with me because of all of things that I listed earlier. Well my ex and our common friend were at a party, both were drunk, our common friend asked him if he could ask me out and my ex got mad and told him that he would kick his a** if he were to try going out with me. I have been trying to give him space since the whole break up. I have been taking on some of the things that he loved doing when we were dating. What would be the next best step?
admin
March 13, 2015 at 3:36 pm
Jealousy tactics might work on your ex if he is still that protective.
Taylor
March 4, 2015 at 8:56 pm
I am wondering if you have any advice? or think its even worth it to try and get my ex back…My ex and I broke up about a month and a half ago. It has been honestly really hard for me. In the relationship we would fight all the time….id get really made if he didn’t spend time with me, or if he chose pot and the bar over being at home with me and my daughter, or picked his friends…I also would bring up past things that he did wrong because he would never really sit and talk to me about it, he just brushed it off….he wanted me to let it go. well we both made some mistakes witch ruined our trust in each other. I was just always angry with him, but wanted him to be with me all the time….he started to lie to me about where he was going, or just wouldn’t come home sometimes because I was always angry about something…..fast forward to now, like I said we broke up a month and a half ago..I moved out and right away I new it was a mistake, I wanted desperately to get back with him. I also have to add I am pregnant with my second child and he is the father. anyways I would constantly text and ask if he would give me another chance, he told me he needed space and time to focus on himself and his job. Sometimes he would tell me in 6 months we could get back together, sometimes he told me there was no chance. there would be days were he would text me saying he misses me and my daughter, and that he still loves me and always will. I got even more clingy and texted him constantly. I say the 1:1 ration you were talking about….well out of 78 texts messages I sent since the beginning of feb he responded to maybe 35. yeah that opened my eyes and I realized I AM A CLASS 5 CLINGER! anyways I love this guy so much, and I want so badly to get back with him….not just for our girls, but because I really am in love with him….his grandma (he lives with her for the time being) sent me a text saying they got an attorney and were advised not to speak to me anymore, when 5 minutes before that text I got off the phone with him and we had decided I wouldn’t text him anymore (I would text him multiple times a day while he was at work) and we would only talk on the phone when hes driving home from work. we had agreed to work on ourselves to maybe one day be in a relationship. he even told me he will always love me….but now I am being brought to court because of his grandma, and the attorney is advising a restraining order…I’m not really sure what to do…I love him, but I am not going to get in trouble because of this….I just need some advice. for now I am focusing on myself, but do you think there will even be a possibility he will forgive me and we could try it out again?
A.R
March 3, 2015 at 12:57 pm
chris… is it possible to get my ex back even after knowing that i was slightly clingy? as in, i have an 80% doubt that he broke up with me cuz of that… he said, he wanted to be single and happy…
sarah
March 3, 2015 at 7:44 am
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year, and we pretty much hang out every day whether it’s just us or with friends. He’s a bartender and I always pick him up and hang out at the bar while I’m waiting. His boss told him I can’t come to the bar so early anymore because I distract him from his job. A few days ago we had a huge fight about how I text him too much when he’s at work, asking him what the plan is after work and when he will be done, etc.. I text him allot because he doesn’t give me clear answers. We have had problems in the past because I was controlling and never let him do anything, but that has gotten allot better. The night we had the fight he said he might be done and yelled at me in the car saying I don’t give him space. I told him that I guess we should break up if that’s what he wants and then he changed his mind and felt bad and asked me to stay. This was two or three days ago and I’ve been acting a little distant and emotional because I don’t know how to act after he said he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me anymore. We talked a little bit and he said that he loves me and doesn’t want to break up but I’m just a little clingy and he needs his space etc.. I’m acting weird and not myself because I don’t know how to act around him since I don’t want to be clingy. But I feel like the way I’m acting right now is weird and I feel distant from him. How should I act? Or should I just not text him when he’s at work? I don’t want to push him away by acting this way, because me feeling distant might brush off on him.
admin
March 3, 2015 at 10:11 pm
You should be distant from him…
I think you are being too available for him…
M.R.
February 23, 2015 at 6:11 pm
I need quick advice after reading your article. I met this guy and we hit it off, we lost contact for awhile and he found me again. Everything was beautiful, he called every night and was planning to come visit me. Then like this past week the good morning messages stopped and he kind of disappeared but I noticed he was still active on his Facebook messenger. I wrote him there and the next morning he sent a good morning text before work saying he had some dental issues going on. I texted back once and this morning I called and sent a msg saying I called just to see was he okay. I then went on messenger and sent a backup msg so that I could see if I was being ignored. I hate playing games but I’m not going to say anything else until he writes me. Let me know what you think
S1987
February 21, 2015 at 9:04 pm
HI I have a pressing question, I have a boyfriend whom I’ve been dating long distance for about 6 months we text daily and it’s been over 24 hrs since he last called or text me, a little background I’d that right now his grandma is in the icu and has been there since vday due to complications etc, when he’s stressed out he tends to go silent, I blew up his phone with texts bc I was upset I hadn’t heard from him in 24hrs and it’s going on day two and I still have yet to hear from him,I don’t know if something happened to his grandma or if he’s just fed up with my neediness, I’m scared and upset. I have cut myself off from texting him but the longer I don’t hear from him the worse I feel. What can I do?
admin
February 22, 2015 at 5:18 pm
Have you read the long distance articles and listened to the long distance podcast?
S1987
February 23, 2015 at 8:02 am
Oh and on another side note, he and I got a phone plan together which he’s footing the bill for, it’s a two year contract, this is the only tangible thing I have to show he’s commited, he bought this phone about just over a month ago when our relationship seemed to be getting better, we had finally broke down his barriers about moving in together and things were really starting to feel close. This phone was something that really made me feel secure that he wouldn’t bail on me again and I told him it was a step on the right direction, I was trying harder to let go of my trust issues I had that stemmed from him bailing on me several times when it came time to move me out there. He was always very apologetic about it and adimate that he wouldn’t do it again, but then something always seemed to come up, some things were legit but it made me not trust him, which is what spurred my self centered and sulking attitude the week before he went ghost bc it felt like he was regressing to his old habbits of bailing and I was hurt and confused. He did make efforts to make me feel better, I was just very sulky 🙁
Layla
March 12, 2015 at 3:53 am
Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty much going through the same thing right now. (Misery loves company, right?) It’s almost creepy how similar our situations are. I had been talking to this guy for 5 months and we were pretty committed to each other…we talked about a future full of wonderful things…traveling together, going out together, and just spending every waking hour together. I should also mention that he lives in Europe and I live in the States. His plan was to get a green card (hopefully) and move to the States near me. Things were going great and he was always telling me that he adores me, and that he’s in love with me, and that I’m the only light in his life at the moment. Anyway, shit started happening. About a month ago, he came down with pneumonia really bad, so we couldn’t talk like usual (only texting, but not as often). Then two weeks ago he woke up and texted me that he’s feeling way worse (when he seemed to have been getting better). Then I told him he needs to go to doctor to which he refused and said he’ll just sleep it off. But he was scaring me by saying that he’ll text me “if and when” he gets up. So, naturally I freaked out thinking “omg, he might die in his sleep or something!” Anyway, he went off to sleep. By the following morning, I still hadn’t heard anything from him so I was really freaking out by then and I texted him almost constantly trying to figure out what’s going on. At work I couldn’t think straight because I was so worried. I kept texting and got nothing in return. Finally, by 11 or so that morning, he texted back saying that his dad took him to the doctor and he forgot his phone at home. I didn’t respond right away since I was at work, so then he texted me again about 40 minutes later apologising for worrying me and pretty much saying the same thing again. I text him back about 20 minutes later when I was on break saying thank god he went to the doctor and apologising for worrying so much all the time, which he read but didn’t reply. Then when I was leaving work I texted him again asking how the doctor’s visit went, to which he said that he’s in intensive care for a clot they found in his lungs due to the pneumonia, and he explained that he’s scheduled for a procedure the following afternoon to break up the clot and that he’d have to stay in the hospital for 2-3 more days to make sure there’s no internal bleeding and another clot doesn’t form…and if that didn’t work he’d have to have an operation. So, there I was, freaking out at home about the possible dangers of this clot. And, then he apologised to me in advance for not being able to text a lot in the next few days, so I told him that I’d understand and to keep me updated when he could. Then he told me not to freak out if he doesn’t all too soon, and knowing that I’d freak out anyway, I told him that I won’t. So, over the next few days I sent him text after text about how worried I am…basically being over-dramatic. The thing is, the app that we used to text shows when the person is online and when they were last seen, so I saw that he’d get online sometimes, but never read my texts. So, I freaked out even more because I had no idea what was going on. So, a whole week passed and I still hadn’t heard from him. Today marks 1.5 weeks and I have yet to hear back. I just don’t know what to think…so confused and heartbroken. I think at this point he’s lying about being in the hospital to avoid talking to me. I know that’s an awful thing to think, but it’s my fault for being so overbearing and needy. I’m completely backing off now and not sending anymore texts to give him space. In the meantime I’ll focus on myself and hope that he’ll come around. I suggest you do the same. 🙂
S1987
February 23, 2015 at 7:49 am
The situation is really complicated at its core, we were for a long time talking about definitely getting married,kids and we had planned to move in together. The thing is he panicked several times when he was supposed to fly me out to move in with him and backed out of it with excuses. He did eventually get over his initial worries about it which were mostly financial. In fact the weekend of vday he was supposed to fly me back with him but then this happened with his grandma, I was skeptical at first that he was telling the truth, he proved it and I calmed down a bit. I however got really clingy and complainative bc he was distant which he said was bc of his grandma being sick. He did try to make things right by making time for me and I screwed it up by sulking and stresing him out. Then came the day he went ghost and I blew up his phone, I’ve tried to be silent but have texted and called him a few times bc I’m so distraught, just yesterday I called and the phone rang a few times each time and then went to voicemail,I’m assuming he rejected my calls. I left one last text saying how confused and hurt I was and that I wasn’t sure if he was breaking up with me or if something happened with his grandma, I told him if he needed space bc of something happening to his grandma to just tell me so I can stop worrying and I’d be happy to accommodate. I’m not sure if I’m delusional here or what, I want so badly to believe he still loves me and this is just a phase bc of his grandma but if that’s the case why let me suffer? I realize I made mistakes and was selfish to act the way I did, I just don’t know how to make it right since he won’t even speak to me and it’s not like I can just bump into him seeing as he’s all the way on the other coast. He’s often said I am the live of his life and he’d be devestated if he lost me, do you think I ruined it? How can I win him back if I don’t know where to start. I did read and listen to the pod cast but Ashley has a much diffrent situation, did I miss the point? Please help, I’m in agony!!
S1987
February 23, 2015 at 1:17 am
No I havent, I only came across this site the other day. He still hasn’t contacted me and it’s closing in on three days, I called his phone and he rejected my call twice. At this point I think he’s done wi th me idk, I’m so confused and heartbroken :'(
admin
February 23, 2015 at 9:36 pm
It’s three days…. You are still so early in NC.
Nitya sri
February 24, 2015 at 5:03 pm
Wait.. So if u r in a relationship and u get needy then u should turn around and go no contact?? I don’t understand this advice.
admin
February 24, 2015 at 9:54 pm
Your problem was that you were too needy! NC can correct that.