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M.
January 24, 2015 at 12:16 am
Hello,
I’d like to ask for your opinion about a situation I’m currently going through…
Seven years ago, I met a young man in college. I liked him and he also liked me but we never told each other, we just “knew” it. We used to chat online but never dated. During that time, I went back to the states (since we’re from another country) and stopped contacting him. Now, seven years later, he decides to search for me. When he found me online, we started chatting again and hadn’t stopped talking/texting since that day. He now lives in the states and I’m back in our country. Long distance isn’t an issue -at least it’s never been brought up. But it wasn’t to my surprise that whatever we had going on wouldn’t last very long because I tend to be too insecure and need reassurance all the time. Since I’m aware of this, I try to withdrawal from the type of behavior that it leads to but most times I fail. However, I like communicating my feelings so not to have him trying to guess what’s going on when I ask or say certain things. He’s a great listener and truly cares for what I have to say. This is a good thing. The bad thing -and was triggers my insecurities more- is that he doesn’t want me to show him affection. He says he hasn’t been in a relationship for years and that he doesn’t have feelings anymore (if that’s even possible). I’m no psychologist but I do understand a little bit about human behavior. So, I respect his rather cold way of being. I know he cares for me and he could be sweet at times (mostly by actions rather than words) but when I show him affection, he shuts me down. At first, I was trying to deal with our opposite personalities but having him shut me down hurts sometimes and the uncertainty of not knowing what he wants with me makes me anxious; hence, I’d started sending him long messages accusing him of playing with my emotions and giving me false hopes. I told him that if I wasn’t good enough for him then, I should leave. I think that if a beautiful, curvy woman were to catch his attention, he would be willing to make things work but because I’m a plain Jane, he doesn’t care to keep me no matter how much of a good woman he says I am. (Yes, those were my insecurities kicking in). He’s told me many times that I have all the qualities he would want in a woman. But, if that’s so then, what’s stopping him from telling/showing me that he’s interested in me?
I’m not asking to be his girlfriend or anything at the moment. We still need to get to know each other a whole lot more and definitely interact in person first but I do want to know where I stand -what changes I have. I don’t want to say he’s wasting my time. That sounds so wrong. However, I am scared that I’m putting my feelings where they’ll never be reciprocated and miss the chance of getting to know someone who is willing to be with me for all the right reasons. I guess he feels pressured by me. He’s said that we should take it slow. I’d agreed. We should. But, the other day, I felt so anxious that I kind of pushed him into letting me go. He said he needed time but I told him that if he really knew what he wanted then, he didn’t need time because giving time is for high-schoolers who don’t know what they want and end up dating other people. We tried this “time” thing twice last month but the first time, I reached back to him in less than four days and told him I would give him more space but that I didn’t want for it to be goodbye for good. Sadly, I continued on with the same insecurities and started being needy again and even though he stayed, I wasn’t feeling good about it because I felt he was with me, not because he wanted to but, because I asked him to. The second time, I stopped communicating with him after offering to give him the time he needed but he was the one to text me after only three days and I quickly replied. Big mistake. I vented out all my emotions and kind of pushed him into ending things for good. I was just so tired of not knowing what he wanted with me. So, I said goodbye.
It’s been four days now and I’m planning on following the “No Contact Rule” but I’m not sure if this applies since he was never my boyfriend to begin with. I’m scared that I’ll lose the chance of meeting with him in person since, he had plans of visiting me on February or March. I’m not sure if his plans still remain but I’m almost certain he will come. I know that meeting in person was very important for him. Maybe it would some way help him “know” what he wants with me. He’s mentioned it various times (“We haven’t even seen each other… This is going too fast… We need to slow down…”) At first, I thought he was being superficial but I know he thinks I’m beautiful. It has more to do with getting to know each other on a more personal level. We both know that there are many factors in getting to know a person and determining if they’re the right candidate for you. He has a lot of qualities that I think are important and I like him so much. I guess I’m just scared that I pushed him away for good and I’ll never get the chance to be with him. I think I said goodbye in hopes that he would beg for me to stay and use that as the reassurance I needed. I want to use the NCR to see if he really wants me or not but I don’t want to risk losing him for good by using a mind game such as this NCR technique.
What is your opinion about all if this? Do you think I should follow the NCR? If so, and assuming he contacts me to let me know he’s coming to visit, should I reply and go meet up with him? Your opinion and/or advice would be of much help to me.
Thanks in advance,
~M.
admin
January 26, 2015 at 2:39 pm
I think you should do the NC rule and if he contacts and says he is visiting and you think that will be your best chance of seeing him then maybe you break it and do it.
Jane
January 22, 2015 at 11:00 pm
Help!!
I dated a guy for 6 months then we remained friends for almost a year. When we hung out it was great, but when we weren’t I txted too much. I was still in love with him and couldnt handle not being something more. So I ruined the friendship. I tried to talk to him but he refuses to talk about anything. So I got really upset and became the crazy texter. I know I was acting like a crazy person but I couldn’t control it. I feel like he completely hates me now. Do you think that he would ever be okay with speaking to me again. I feel horrible and hate myself for becoming the clingy ex-girlfriend.
admin
January 23, 2015 at 4:19 pm
I think he would eventually with time though.
Jo
January 22, 2015 at 9:00 am
My ex boyfriend and I have been together for three years. He is a very passive person by nature and I’m very go-get-it kind of girl, although I have my insecurities (that’s how I found your site, which is awesome and thank You for it). Being so passive I wasn’t feeling like he was puting enough effort in the relationship and by our third month of relationship I wanted to break up with him but he said that he would change and would do everything for me to be happy.
Of course that didn’t happen (neither did I want it to, I would be perfectly happy with a little iniative from his side) and although we became best friends I cheated when we were together for almost a year. I was immediately sorry and told him the very next day. He broke up with me and a week later we met up to exchange things and started to talk and he took his part of responsibility, saying that he didn’t do his best in being my 50:50 partner in our relationship and we both agreed that is was the worst week of our lives and made up.
The next few months were hard and required a looot of talk and understanding each other but we did it and slowly everything started to get back to normal, although now he tried a bit harder in meeting my needs. Then in the winter of ’13 we started talking about trying to live together and he was very unsure about the idea from the start.
I found a job on the seaside and went for four months and he called me daily, which was very new and sweet to me because through all of our relationship I was the one calling and texting and making plans to see each other, and I can’t even count the times when he wouldn’t answer or would say that he doesn’t want to do anything, just sit in a caffe. For those four months I would tell him to install skype daily and he never did, that is how lazy he is regarding our relationship while in other times he will sit with me on the phone for four hours until we (well, to be honest, I) talk out everything we have to say. We talked about about that a lot of times throughout our relationship and he would always claim that he IS interested in me and we would joke about me being a clingy girl and him being a dead weight, but our communication was always so open and honest that not one time did I feel really threatened by that.
Starting early October I was tired of that talk of moving in together and him not wanting to live with me (we’re 27) and we fought a lot and I thought it would be best if we break up, to which he said he doesn’t want to break up and that we are a perfect match and that he wants to continue dating me. Ten days later I realised that I trully don’t care if we live together, that I just want him in my life, and he said that maybe we sould take a ten day break to figure out what we want. He called me on the eleventh day, to tell me that he realised he wants to be single because he likes it.
The thing is, to him everything is a nag and he just wants to be left alone and put on a desert island. He is very passive and calm-on-the-outside kind of person, he is very good and intelligent and very gentle. He has a very loving, but very controlling mother and I think he is depressed, but he is also very stubborn and veeery procrastinative so we won’t know for sure until he decides to go to a doctor. On the other hand, he is very afraid of passing of time and the concept of eternity and I think he froze to the possibility of two of us FOREVER. (with him, everything is very very)
We never went anywhere, we never did anything except weekly beer with his friends on Saturdays. First nine months of our relationship I was in another city in college and every weekend I would hitch-hike to our city, he didn’t even want to come for the first seven months, to quote „I don’t hitch-hike.“ I feel like I have put so much pressure on him with what I need that he was just relieved that I wasn’t there anymore with my criticism and unsupportive attitude toward his eight-hour long beer daily routines with his work friend, who is 35 and in the same existential problems as we are in our mid twenties, and I think that a true friend is not someone who tells you that the world is fucked up and you are greater and smarter than day-to-day problems and shouldn’t be bothered but someone who slaps you and tells you to fight and to do something about your surroundings to make it better for you.
So for the last three months since we broke up I have been calling every week or so – he answered every time. We have been on tenish coffees where we talked about our relationship and the chance of us two getting back together and he was always very firm about his stand not to get back together. I tried to be okay with that and gently tell him that I respect his decision about being single and taking a break from everything, although I did tell him that I would fight for us til very last breath (very dramatic, I know). He said he wants to be friends with me and we both explicitly said no FWB relationship is possible or desireable. He knows that I am at home, depressed and with no desire of being with someone new, I’ ve made every desperate move to convince him that I want him and only him. ( I’ve read about the part of him knowing that he can have me)
Fifteen days ago I called him and told him that I realise now that for the past three months he’s been telling me that we are over and that I let him go. We both cried and it was awful. Then a week ago I had a break down and called him to aks him what to do about all this feelings I still had and he told me that he is also feeling very bad and that it’s normal and that we just have to live through it. After that call I deactivated my facebook and few days later when I came back I realised that he also deactivated his (we couldn’t bring ourselves to defriend one another or to erase the photos). The only time in this three months that he initiated communication is when he called me for Christmas and he is always that self controlling, no matter what he wants to do.
The last thing that happened is that I called him this Monday to tell him that I would want to give him back his hoodie because I can’t see it or wear it anymore and he said he also doesn’t want it for the same reasons (you know that one item in every relationship that signifies everything good) and after that told me that I’m the most beautiful and wonderful person that he ever met, that he misses my friendship very very much, that he doesn’t want to lose me, that he doesn’t regret a single day of our three years and that he wants me to know that I can always count on him. He told me that he is not happy being single, but he is more calm since then because he has no obligations, he can go to work, go to beer with his friends if he wants to and have a good night sleep. I never forbid him anything and he always thought that I was against him having a beer with his friends. No, I’m not. But there a difference between having a beer and being in a pub every day for few hours. Okay, he doesn’t want to go home for some reason. But when he is with me suddenly he can’t wait to go home.
Everyone around me tells that I’m better off without him, and even I sometimes think that I’m crazy for wanting to be with him so much but he is truly the most wonderful person I ever met and I do think that we love each other, but are so different that it is hard for us to put ourselves in the other one’s shoes. What do you think Chris? Am I crazy for wanting this to go on? Should I want it to go on? Am I really being too clingy/bossy/crazy? I feel like I’m the only grown up here and that I keep making myself feel bad for something perfectly normal. I don’t want him to change, I want him to realise that things around him are changing whether he wants them to or not and helps himself because I see and feel how lost he feels in all that. Am I a bad girlfriend? Did he really let go? Is this going on for so long only because he doesn’t know how to cut me off completely without hurting me or because he is unsure himself what he wants?
I feel so confused, I know it’s a cliche but I sincerely doubt that I will find someone like him ever again and I still don’t want to let go. I am sorry for such a long post and for my english, I’m not a native speaker but I feel like I will go crazy, my friends can’t hear about this anymore and I don’t have money or will to go to therapy, I already know that if I want healthy relationship I first have to love myself, but the problem is I still love him. Can you help me? Would a NC even work for us at this point, with him being so self controled? Thank you for taking the time to read this.
admin
January 22, 2015 at 5:08 pm
Your english is great!!!!!
I think NC will work at this point. I mean, you haven’t tried it yet right?
Jo
January 22, 2015 at 6:40 pm
Thank You! No, I haven’t, although since Monday I have remained silent so I will continue for the noxt 30 day and hope that he will notice
Sarah
January 21, 2015 at 6:19 pm
Help! I haven’t honestly even started dating this guy in my grad class. He non aggressively pursued me for months before I decided I wanted to see if it could go anywhere with him. We started texting more regularly, but we were on break and in different states. Im normally very straight forward and independent. I’ve been single by choice for 6 years, never really “clicking” with people i’ve dated. Something snapped when talking to this guy and ive started sweatin him. For the first time in YEARS I am actually sweating a dude. I was consciously not texting too often, but I was always the one to start the conversation. He said he enjoyed our convos and he was excited to hang out. When we both got back to town we had the opportunity. He came over, we hung out and talked, etc; however, I had a few glasses of wine, and something I ate didn’t sit well and I got sick. I wasn’t trashed or anything. But it killed the vibe. Hard. That night he said it was all good, that we would hang out again, and he even kissed me goodnight. (Don’t worry, I had brushed my teeth and scope!) however, since then it seems like all has changed. I have only texted twice since that night. The first one I asked if he wanted to hang out and told him i felt bad about the occurence, hour later he responded that I shouldn’t feel bad and he was busy that night. I responded cool. another time… no response. I let a day go by before texting again. Again just, hey, would you want to hang out tonight? I could cook if you’d like (this was something we had previously talked about doing). no response. Still waiting for one. I feel like he got freaked out because my behaviors turned from how things were to me being actively interested. Am I just over reacting? I like this guy, but I am really just more excited to spend some time with him than anything else. I recognize I should have been more responsible and not had the wine the first time we hung out. It could have made the difference, but that happened. I feel a bit out of my mind because usually I dont have any problem just doing me and not worrying about anyone else. Now I am constantly thinking about it because I don’t want to lose the opportunity to get to know him and spend that time. I dont even want a relationship right now. I am super slow moving in that manner. So… my question boils down to this. Am I over reacting? Should I send him a message, recognizing my over enthusiasm, and letting him know that im good and the balls in his court? Or should I just stop contacting him altogether and just let him do his thing? I am confused. Help. 🙁
admin
January 22, 2015 at 4:45 pm
How far into the NC are you?
Hannah
January 19, 2015 at 3:52 pm
HELPPP
So, my boyfriend hasn’t broken up with me yet, but he has told me in the past that he has needed space bc I was smothering him, that was about four months ago. We got back together during those four months and everything was great, until two days ago when I had gotten upset with him. He knew I wanted to go skiing with him and instead he lied and said he wasn’t going and when I found out he was really just going with his friends I got really upset and cried infront of him. I felt really dumb afterwards bc I knew that I had fallen right back into my same trap of being to damn clingy. I shouldn’t have gotten upset bc he took me skiing last weekend. I shouldn’t have cried and made a big deal. I told him that I had ruined everything again, and he said I didn’t and then he said that I just didn’t get it. then I proceeded to blow up his phone and now he is being distant, is it to late to save the relationship or is him being distant a sign he is going to break up with me. If I stop being clingy will I make up for the face that I cried and went off on him for not hanging out with me even though he said I never give him time to miss me bc im always up his ass. I just don’t know what to do bc I love him and I want to be with him. but I am to damn clingy and therefore I feel like I ruined things again.
admin
January 20, 2015 at 3:21 pm
I think you need to have a talk with him. You can’t really put the things on this site into action until a breakup occurs.
I think you do need to stop being clingy though…
Steph
January 7, 2015 at 12:20 pm
Please help me Chris! I wish I had discovered your book earlier!! Is it too late for me now?
I have called my ex-boyfriend everyday for 3 weeks crying, arguing, and begging him to take me back.
Then just before new years he told me he did not want anything to do with me and for me to move on. We agreed to meet at the end of the month at my insistence but he said for me not to hope anything will eventuate.
I really need your help as I really love him and really want this to work. We broke up as we had a fight and he said he needed space to focus on work and moved out of our place, but he still messaged me to see how I was. But after I kept crying and begging he changed and now ignores my calls and messages. We have been together for 1 year and a few months and I’m the only girl he’s taken to meet his mum, who lives overseas, and dinners at his dad’s place, mainly because most of his ex-girlfriends were from overseas where he used to be based. We had lived together for 4 months prior to him moving out and had discussed marriage and we both believed we were spending the rest of our lives together.
I have started your no contact rule for a week and have been going to the gym every day.
Is it too late for me, please help me, what can I do? Will he eventually change his mind and start to want me back?
admin
January 19, 2015 at 2:59 pm
Sorry fot the late response.
No, its not too late.
Just keep on keeping on. What else are you doing in an effort to get him back? Give me more details.
Steph
January 7, 2015 at 12:29 pm
he initially wanted to work it out with me in a few weeks after he focused on his project but I was so upset him at him potentially breaking up with me that I acted a bit crazy and kept calling him and messaging him. Then after two weeks, after I turned up to his friends party which he did invite me to pop by but I guess I outstayed my welcome, he told me it was over and to move on. He is now staying at our studio while I moved back with my mum. He told me he did initially want to work it out with me but after me not leaving him alone during the break he did not want anything to do with me.
Is there any hope for me if we meet up on Jan 21st as we had agreed? Can I turn this around at all?
I’m not too sure how to implement the no contact rule in the interim as I was planning on selling our place if we are no longer together as I don’t want to keep such a sad memory but he is living in it until he finds another place to live.
Can I turn this situation around?
Please teach me what I must do besides the no contact rule as I am working on become the ungettable girl while on this no contact. he has not contacted since our agreement not to talk until the 21st Jan.
Do I have any hope and what can I do to get him back?
K
January 7, 2015 at 1:10 am
Had been with boyfriend 3 years, kept arguing so ended in February 14. We got back In contact again in June and got back together. In September he got offered a job abroad and took it. We agreed to stay together and were working towards him coming home in February 15. We spoke daily however we kept arguing due to the distance and I became more needy and insecure the more I missed him. He’s now ended things and once again I am devestated. Will the no contact rule work when this is the second time we have broken up ???? Or is there no hope????
admin
January 19, 2015 at 2:54 pm
So, you two were in a long distance relationship?
Have you read any of my articles regarding that?
K
January 20, 2015 at 12:27 am
Yes been long distance since September and he’s coming home in a month for a month and then potentially goig back abroad. Yeah have read all your articles and they have been so useful but am just worried If no contact won’t work if it’s second break up and long distance for potentially an extra long while ?
So your opinion would be greatly appreciated!
K
January 31, 2015 at 7:34 pm
It’s been 22 days no contact is there any hope? Any help is so appreciated. Unsure what to do.
admin
February 2, 2015 at 1:45 pm
Sure there is…
Try not to get so discouraged.
K
February 4, 2015 at 12:29 am
The longest we haven’t spoken is 25 days and we are past that now and he hasn’t sent Me any form of message. This makes Me think it’s more serious than all the other times. Where should I go from here? Do I just continue no contact until he reaches out????
admin
February 4, 2015 at 2:16 pm
Well, maybe he is just more stubborn this time.
K
February 4, 2015 at 3:44 pm
Do I continue nc?
admin
February 5, 2015 at 3:01 pm
Yes!
K
January 9, 2015 at 10:46 am
He is completely cutting me out for the second time, he has so much control and I don.t know what to do
K
January 14, 2015 at 11:55 pm
Any help would be soooooo useful!! Thank you so much!
Anon
January 6, 2015 at 10:17 pm
Hi Chris, I was hoping for some advice.
My ex boyfriend and I had been together for about 3 months- not very long at all. We met online and hit it off immediately. He lives in a different city, which is only about a 45 minute drive from me. He asked me on a date after a few days of talking and we set something up for a week or so later. When we finally met in person it went better than I could have imagined. Everything felt very natural and we ended up back at my place just talking into the early hours of the morning. After this, we began seeing each other once a week or so. Things were going very well, I had never felt that type of genuine happiness with someone before, and he agreed. He was happy, I was happy. We had small arguments, but nothing that isn’t normal. Just this Christmas, we spent about 5 days together due to the time off, and went to each others family christmas gatherings. His family loved me and mine him. He had said that I was the first girl in a very long time he even considered introducing to them.
During this time though, one of my good friends roommates came out with a bunch of us one night, and added my boyfriend and I on Facebook. No big deal. Then she started liking and commenting on a lot of his things- even from the past. It weirded me out to a point, so I mentioned it and he agreed it was strange. New years eve rolled around and we spent it at my house drinking and just having a good time with a couple of his friends. At this point, I started becoming more needy as we had spent so much time together and suddenly not nearly as much since the holidays ended. I will admit that I became clingy, and we had a small fight about it. But we agreed that it was not worth breaking up. A couple days later, I discovered that he had been texting and snapchatting this girl that I mentioned earlier. Naturally, I felt jealous, especially since she made no efforts to befriend me, only my boyfriend. I became insecure, and we got into a huge fight. I was angry that he did not tell me about this girl even when I asked, and he didn’t understand. It then somehow escalated into our feelings being uneven and I liking him more than he likes me or that I am more invested that he is- all of which I said, not him. I asked if he felt the same way as he did when we met and he said no. That he doesn’t like me less or more, and at this point I got extremely frustrated and upset. He mentioned maybe taking a break or giving each other space but he thought that I would not be okay with that. I am sometimes hesitant with the idea of “breaks” because of the potential for bad things to happen or men using it as an easy and delayed break up method. By the end of it, he said that he thinks that we should end things. We were both very upset and hurt, and he said he felt terrible for hurting me with all of the stuff earlier, when really it wasn’t his fault at all. I became clingy, controlling, and needy for no reason at all. Immediately after we got off the phone I texted his even though I knew I shouldn’t. I said I was sorry and that I didn’t want his to give up on us yet, and maybe we should have just taken space because I genuinely think that would have been a better decision in the heat of the moment. He did not reply, and since he said he still wanted to talk I texted him that morning asking how he was. He was very short with me and when I mentioned a few things he still had here he said “i’ll come grab it sometime”. I asked if he would like his space for awhile, because I wasn’t sure what he wanted, and he replied with yes. I apologized for getting so upset and told him he could text me whenever he’s ready. I also noticed that day that he changed his relationship status on facebook explicitly to single, whereas I only changed mine to not viewable, or blank. It has been 3 days since we talked and it is so hard for me, because I feel that this was a rash decision in the heat of the moment and that it would be a mistake to throw it all away. I know we were moving too fast, and that is why I became so clingy. We do need space, I know that. But I am not ready to throw it all away, and seems like he is.
So my question is, what is your take on the situation? Is this at all salvageable? I know he is also hurt and did not want this to happen, so I am left feeling very confused. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
admin
January 19, 2015 at 2:52 pm
I think this is salvagable but that space you talked about is important.
Anon
January 10, 2015 at 12:09 am
Update: He texted me last night out of the blue to say he wasn’t angry. He told me to not be hard on myself, and I told him that that is impossible.
I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what is going on in his head, but I can’t go on the way I am for much longer. I don’t understand how he can just throw it all away after one fight.
I just don’t know what to do.
Ashley D
December 30, 2014 at 12:03 am
Hi Chris, me and my ex broke up over 2 months ago. I broke it off because we are in a long distance relationship and I couldn’t see him as much as I wanted to. I begin no contact the next day because I realize I made a mistake. one week later, he calls me like 12 times in a row, and he texts me saying “pick up, it’s an emergency!” so I eventually answer the phone (thus breaking no contact) and he begins to tell me he misses me and wants me back. Stupidly enough, I didn’t take him back that night. I go into no contact again and Three weeks later, he’s in a relationship with a new girl (I highly doubt it’s a rebound, as he seems to like her a lot) and obviously this was hurtful to me. So in the end after having to restart no contact, I completed 30 full days of no contact, I lost a lot of weight, I dyed my hair, basically transformed my appearance altogether (he doesn’t know this since he hasn’t seen me). After NC, My texts to him were engaging, I always took varying amounts of time to text back, I always ended the conversations first. after about 4 conversations out of no contact, we had a long conversation until like 1 AM (over text) about our old relationship and we agreed to just be friends. The next day, I text him and he ignores me. I asked his best friend, and he said my ex feels like I was trying to sabotage his relationship with his new girlfriend (I had no intention like this whatsoever). So tonight, I texted him a super long apology text about how I didn’t mean for it to come across like that, and he hasn’t replied. I am aware that possibly that is creeping into crazy ex girlfriend territory. So my question is, are my chances with him ruined? I’m so lost and I honestly have no clue what to do.
admin
January 5, 2015 at 2:37 pm
Well, lets see where we are at first.
Did he respond to the super long text first?
Ashley D
January 4, 2015 at 5:13 pm
Update: Yesterday he broke up with his girlfriend, and we went on a date that night (accidentally saw each other at the mall and just ended up hanging out). He was all over me 🙂
admin
January 5, 2015 at 2:25 pm
That is great news. Be careful of being a rebound though ok.
love is a drug...
December 29, 2014 at 6:28 am
I have sat here trying to figure out how to describe my situation, and the more I think about how to describe it, the more I feel pathetic. After reading your articles throughout this year, and finally reading your most recent “soulmate” article, I figured it was time to actually seek your guidance (among the 1 million girls trying to do the same).
Went on a date with a guy and talked for a month. Incredible chemistry between us every time. After a month he expressed how “there was something” that apparently he felt was preventing from pursuing me as a GF. figured it was another girl, however anytime we hung out it resulted in the same manners as before where chemistry was high.
I moved away for about 6 months for a job, which our relationship slowed but someone maintained. When I announced I would be returning he seemed to be excited and contacting me a bit more. Once I finally came back, he asked to see me so I did. Chemistry is still there, however I did my best to not let history repeat itself.
throughout the week of Christmas it was constant texting (which….was….very…..rare! and clearly my hopes were built)
Since he is the type to not respond for 2-4 hours on end, I learned to just not take offense to it…that is until our last encounter. We hung out at his place, I taught him to two step, we danced even more, He introduced me to Die Hard (yea yea i know I’m behind on a lot!) and….we ended up igniting the chemistry once again. I left discouraged. I planned this speech in my head, where I would ask him to respect my heat and his own and to not make me an “in between” girl.
I am either his gf or friend. No in-between.
After our hangout he does not text as often, and I seem to be emotionally all over the place. Clearly I care, and clearly I do not want to be clingy…But I also do not want to seem like I do not want a relationship. I am just not strong willed, I suppose.
What should I do?
Love is a drug…
admin
January 5, 2015 at 2:26 pm
Die Hard! Seriously?
That movie is so old haha.
Have you attempted NC yet?
Love is a drug
January 5, 2015 at 3:28 pm
I did but caved yesterday because a friend convinced me. They said that it sounds he is preoccupied with another girl and to just be nice and say hi. Afterwards they said to try to meet up with him and get it out of him, but i think I’m just going to do NC
When I first moved back I tried to make all my texts important and meaningful to him, and it worked, which was how he was so involved and chasing me, but once he got me I guess he lost interest or something
My main thing is that this has happened now, twice (shame on me I suppose!) and I definetly feel disrespected & want my respect back.
Lol hey now, Die Hard IS an old movie but since it was a Christmas Movie, apparently I just “had to see it to get the full Christmas spirit” lol
admin
January 6, 2015 at 1:49 pm
When I think of Die Hard I think of Bruce Willis going to town on bad guys…. that sounded wrong.
Yes, just do NC at this point.
Love is a drug
January 6, 2015 at 4:19 pm
Haha! That’s what she said??
He pretty much did though! And might I add….he did it all BARE FOOT! The only time I find it attractive hahah.
Ok cool. Ill do NC and see how it goes. Hopefully in a month I can reply where we left off!
Oh & congrats on everything 🙂 Not too many things are happening here in Texas anyway.
admin
January 7, 2015 at 5:24 am
God can you imagine stepping on glass barefoot like he did in that movie?
Thank you!
Anything else I can do to help you?
Love is a drug
January 7, 2015 at 2:53 pm
No sir! If anything I’ll let you know the results in a month (if any occur).
Thank you again! I appreciate it.
kimmy
November 20, 2014 at 5:54 pm
Me and my bf broke up about a 3 week.. I was a gnat texter he said it was overbearing. I miss him so much I dnt know if he will ever come back I told him I will change but he isn’t hearing that. What should I do ?
admin
November 24, 2014 at 3:56 pm
Actions speak louder than words.
Take things one step at a time and make small progress here and there. Remember, this is not going to happen overnight.
kimmy
November 24, 2014 at 8:01 pm
He said the same thing but I been working on myself
kimmy
November 29, 2014 at 1:49 am
Me and him decide to meet up today… didn’t went good got into a argument he said I didn’t change.. he said he love me but cant be with me right now and he said hes going to start dating other people … is my chances gone of us getting back together?
Natalie
October 24, 2014 at 3:18 am
Please disregard my last bulk of comments/questions (Natalie from October 22). I wanted to merge them altogether:
My situation is a little bit unique (as I am sure most are): I was hanging out with a guy since the beginning of 2013, and he kept doing all the chasing. We were intimate with one another, but i didn’t want a bf. It was obvious to him that i was “unavailable” and very hard to pin down and not as into him as he was into me. But i was still hanging out with him, responding to him, being his best friend, etc. In april of this year, 2014, he got a new job (was a bar manager at one place, and started at another), and it all went downhill from there. He because extremely busy, stopped contacting me, asking how i was doing, what im up to, or showing interest. I really wasn’t sure if it was his job he hated so much or if he just wasn’t into me anymore. I had just recently found out around that time that he started talking to other girls. I was very hurt, and we talked about it, and he said he had no choice when i constantly kept rejecting a relationship. However, he was never honest with me about wanting to make me his girlfriend either – he would always agree that he didn’t want a girlfriend either, and he claimed, “That’s all i COULD say,” b/c he didn’t have an option since I didn’t want a bf. Several months went by between April and now where I would run into him at the same 4am bar we had always frequented. I would text him drunk and stuff, and he would sometimes text back the next morning (saying he is sorry for missing my text and he is so busy) and sometimes not (which became more recently), depending on if he was asleep already. We have had three previous “drunk” talks during these last several months since April, where he would spill his “true” feelings for me and tell me that we should just commit to one another b/c he cares about me and has feelings for me and blah blah blah. But each time, it has been the SAME scenario: things would be amazing together, and then i wouldn’t hear from him and i would get ignored.
Now, a week and a half ago, we had another long talk – granted it was a drunk talk, but it felt real – and he admitted a lot of things as to how he felt about me, and so i felt reassured about us. He wanted to give us a shot finally, and he knew i was hesitant b/c i was fearful of him breaking my heart again and not putting in the effort, time, etc to show me he cares by at least sending me a simple text asking how i am doing or what I am up to. But he did that very next night, so I was happy. but then again, it went “poof.” He stated that he absolutely hated his job, his car, and his life, and that life “blows.” So, I understand he is miserable right now. He is going to train to become an EMT in January, and I assume that includes quitting his bar managing job.
This past weekend I went out friday, saturday, sunday, and i had texted him each night asking if he was working, and also saturday asking if he wanted me to come visit him at the bar, but he said that the bar was dead and he was closing early. i had also asked him if he wanted to hit up another place with me or if he wanted to come over and he said he couldn’t because he had to work in the morning. Again, this made me feel rejected and as if he didn’t want to see me. Sunday I had messaged him a few times, and stopped by his work and left after a drink and sent him a couple other texts. In the morning I had screenshotted our texts to him to show how one-sided they are and how it feels so amazing to feel ignored especially after the talk we had the previous week. and to please just tell me (again, i had asked him this SEVERAL times b/c it is what i do feel, but he always says no) if he is over me or not into me. He finally responded that he is “not doing this anymore. i’m not sure what the definition of a relationship to you is, but getting a barge of drunk texts from you over a weekend of working over 40 hours doesn’t work for me. Hope we can remain friends.” I had responded that a relationship to me means communication on both ends. not being ignored. and that i do text out of insecurity of where he stands and b/c i have feelings for him, and i do apologize for sending drunk texts and that i do not like that about myself at all. and that i will stop. i sent a couple more texts later in the night to again apologize and to tell him that maybe timing hasn’t been the best for us, but that i am still willing to give things a shot if he isn’t totally against it, and that the door is still open on my end. ( i regret that now)
He didn’t respond to any of the texts after his last one about how “he’s not doing this anymore…”
Thinking about it, I am not sure if that was a cop-out/excuse to get out of the “relationship” and another way to tell me he is not into me anymore, or if it truly did piss him off. Also, what is strange about him is that he’s rarely talked to me over the last few months since his new job (at least no where near as much as he used to), and many of my texts go unanswered, but every time i see him or am with him, he brings up stuff from my facebook. It’s like, you have time to learn everything about me off of facebook, but no time to communicate with me, answer my texts, etc.? What do you think this means?
So my question is, I will do the NO contact rule, BUT, what if he texts me? Do i Respond? do i wait a couple days to respond? Or do I completely ignore him? Also, since we both frequent the same place, do I stop going to it, or do I just act like nothing has changed?
And also, how long would you say is long enough to do the NC rule if we haven’t talked every day (mostly the entire week until weekends or couple of weeks) since he started his new job? Before that, he used to contact me almost incessantly, every single day, asking me how i am and how my day is and what i am up to, and just to flirt with me.
Do you think I have a chance of turning the tables again? of him becoming so interested in me and chasing me and wanting to be with me? Or do you think it is hopeless? I have made a HUGE list of affirmations to tell myself that i should not want thi guy and that he does NOT deserve me. but of course, my head and my heart are pulling me in two different directions, but I am really trying to stay strong to move on to find someone else. It’s just bizarre! Especially with how much he pretty much smothered me in the past. So, I do question, is it really his job that makes him SO busy, or is it that he isn’t into me anymore?
What do you think?
Thank you!
KJay
October 21, 2014 at 3:34 am
Hi, I can really use some help. My ex broke up with me 8 days ago via TEXT message. A brief history is that he had pursued me for 1.5 years..we were good friends…but I wasn’t ready for anything and took that long to admit my feelings for him (almost lost him as a friend!) Then, when I did, we met up, he kissed me, and we were like that for about 2 months (all the while him asking and asking if I was his lady/girlfriend/etc yet :/ ) My ex before him had cheated on me and I was just plain scared…and that’s a great transition. So anyway in about middle june this year it had been like 1.5 months since I first let him kiss me, and I know I hurt him by not being official, we became official a couple weeks later but he had started this ignoring thing (as he was hurt and unsure what to do) and then I started blowing him up (bc I was afraid of losing him)…then it became a terrible cycle that followed us into our relationship.
We were always great in person but then I felt like I didn’t get as much time as I should, I would drive to see him during his lunch breaks and then a couple weeks before the break up we had finally scheduled a date night. but that didn’t happen bc of this drama (and before that it was his work’s fault.) So we would go on in this cycle throughout the rship of blowing up/ignoring but I had noticed if I ignored him he didn’t like it either..even though he didn’t admit that. He also would get upset and shut down….including when I couldn’t make it for breaks. I’m seeing now we got ourselves in a bad dynamic when due to our friendship and our history, things could have been so great.
So the break up. He did it via text when he was angry, I had improved in blowing up and it was improving our relationship; however, I had gotten upset the night before and def did it…morning I texted him something unrelated…he was still upset, it escalated and he texted me saying “It’s not always about you. U are selfish in a relationship, this isn’t working. We are not good for each other. We are done. Then stuff about dont respond try to negotiate make it better etc ” I of course responded and wanted to talk in person, he said no..saying I wouldn’t “allow” it and he didn’t wanna put up w drama. We bantered for a bit then I left the convo..came back, and he no longer responded. the next night I sent 2 long texts but nothing more. I was gonna wait longer but I was so insecure. At the start of our relationship one of MY mistakes had been using it as leverage saying if he didn’t do this..we were done. So we had both thrown around those words so I just wasn’t sure. Also, my friend from HS had stopped talking to me and ended our friendship w a myspace message and my ex knew how much that hurt me…but then Tuesday morn (we broke up Sunday) I sent another text trying to be the voice of reason and he said we are broken up whether I like it or not, etc…I blew him up.. I said I trusted him, accused him of not caring, even drove him to say “i don’t and didn’t care stop texting me its stupid i udnerstand youre hurt so stop texting me” I had obviously made things worse &then he said he was gonna ignore my msgs…I only tried calling once but kept txting (I mean he was gonna ignore them?) Well, he didn’t ignore them. Then Wed. around 430 AM I sent a few longs ones, I had calmed down, but still the quantity.. he responded 4 hrs later saying “if you continue to text me I will go to the police and open a case against you for stalking. Bye” So I sent 2 long ones back..one saying he shouldn’t treat me like that but I understood anger and the other again saying I wanted to talk. I was mature but again, quantity. And he said “like I said, If i receive any more calls or msgs I will go to the police. I”m not playing or joking. Dont ruin your career over obsessing. I will go to the police.” I know him & knew this was purely anger but I was calm at this point and only sent one saying Please stop texting me out of anger and threatening me. Youre hurt and upset, I cannot reason wth you. I won’t text you until you’re cooled off.”
He didn’t respond and I have had no legal issues… lol, so it’s in the clear. But then the next night I realized I had been immature so I sent one text saying “i don’t want legal issues but wasnt to apologize for blowing up &saying hurtful things **my hurtful thing was that I accused him of never caring, I never insulted, attacked, threatened or any of that stuff** I also said I was wrong to try and force him to have a convo in person w me.” He didn’t respond.
I then implemented no contact. However, can this even be effective? This is the man who fought for me for 1.5 + years and only me…said he lvoed me , talked about marriage, then our relationship went sour I believe bc I hadn’t let go of my anxieties and fears of being cheated on again..and he was trustworthy..but I was overly clingy and anxious! This is end of Day 4 of no contact for me and it has been HARD. Can no contact work given that he threatened me w contacting the police -_- …I know he wouldn’t and he didn’t and that was his only way to convey how much he needed space, but i want him to KNOW i’m leaving him alone on my OWN accord…Idk if he would miss me if he thinks i’m just scared of that empty threat… His bday is also on Day 22 of NC…i REALLY want to say happy bday.. but is that not a good idea? Is it too soon? I really need advice given particulars of this situation. It is clear he was LIVID. And from what I’ve read, that means he is hurt and wants to be with me deep down? I have realized in 4 days I have work to do myself, working on trusting, not looking at his fb, trying to not get irrationally jealous, realizing my own fears led to this (he contributed as well, I’m aware of that as too) We are both 24 but have acted quite immature. I still see our potential though and want him back. In person we were always great it was just the stupid text thing. Is it possible for me to get him back? Should I text him on his bday or is Day 22 of NC too soon is this situation? Can he still miss me even though he made that stupid angry empty threat (i mean I texted after that but I didn’t blow up by any means..) My roommate is saying she thinks he may not ever talk to me again…she never met him but I feel like that’s not something he would do to me! We were friends 1.5 years then complicated (but really like dating) 2 months and dated 3… I want him back but in a NEW relationship, not our old one. PLease help me 🙂 Did blowing up ish the first day and definitely the 3rd day ruin all my chances? Thanks!
KJay
October 28, 2014 at 3:01 am
Me again. I’m freaking out. I’m on day 11 of NC and he hasn’t said a thing. I feel like I ruined our relationship bc during it I was an anxious mess. My ex before him cheated on me and I took it out on this ex…when I had every reason to trust him! I want to text him sooo badly and let him know I will NEVER blow his phone up again. I want to say “Hi, I understand how unfair I was blowing up ever and threatening you to lose me (yeah, I did that at the beginning bc I wanted to see he cared…I dont know why…he pursued me for 1.5 years and I was still afraid :/) I hurt you and acted in a way that wasn’t right at all. I feel awful simply bc I took my anxiety/past of being cheated on/ fear out on you when it was really my own inability to let fears go at the time and control my own emotions”
I REALLY want to send him that. I want him to know we can be good together…we were in person! Our fights were only the ignoring/blowing up text things over stupid things butit became way too frequent and over way too many things. Please please help me. I am madly in love with him. I waited so long to tell him then I was an anxious mess in our relationship. Please let me know how I can get him back. How can I tell him of my realizations during this time? Also will NC be effective given he made that stupid threat about telling the police the one day I blew up his phone after we broke up -_- (all I did was text..he was just that level of angry..and I know his anger shows he’s emotionally deeply connected but STILL) Please help I feel like I can’t do NC much longer without letting him know I’m working on me/realized what I did wrong/want to change. I would love a good plan of attack :/
admin
October 28, 2014 at 4:31 pm
You are still so early in the NC though.
Just stay calm.
Tell me, what are you doing during NC to keep yourself sane?
KJay
October 28, 2014 at 5:59 pm
Thank you for getting back to me! I actually am struggling today with wanting to text him THIS right now …”I needed this for a wake up call. Blowing up was unfair& hurtful..my inability to face MY insecurity. Now I control it, it doesn’t control me:)”
I’m just fearful he will think we never can be good together…our stupid arguments were only via text in person we never fought. And now I’m working on my issues that pushed him away. I’m also a little worried about his stupid empty threat. Does that still make NC effective?
Right now I’ve had both unhealthy and healthy coping mechanisms. I started running again but also have stress ate :/ I baked cookies but then ate lots. My eating hasn’t been good i either eat nothing or unhealthy things. I’m working on it.
I also went to see a friend last weekend and am doing the same this weekend then I am going to disney world with my family. Kind of getting away but better than moping around.
His bday is day 22 of nc and not sure if that’s enough time for me to reach out or if I keep waiting
Today is day 12 of nc and still nothing. I’ve learned a lot about what I need to work on but I am struggling. I want him to know I’m working on me :/ I don’t want him to just not give me another chance thinkin I won’t trust him and will blow up his phone :/
admin
October 29, 2014 at 2:29 pm
Don’t reach out until after NC and don’t text that to him even though you want to. You want to say that to him once you rebuild some attraction.
KJay
October 29, 2014 at 3:34 pm
Okay. Will do. Should I be concerned that he made that stupid threat about opening a case against me for stalking if I texted anything else -.- that was immediately after the break up too. He was just enraged and I didn’t get it because he broke up with ME! He said it wasn’t working, I was selfish in a relationship and we weren’t good for each other -.- and this was right after a fight.
I’m day 13 of NC, should I do a 30 day? His bday is on day 22 of NC..I wanted to have him know I remembered but if I do 30 days I won’t say anything.
I will definitely hold back with saying that I guess until much later. I’m just scared he won’t think I was able to change that horrible behavior! Also will NC still work given his stipid empty police threat? I mean come on we had just broken up and I blew his phone up one day -.- …but today is day 13 and he has said absolutely nothing 🙁
admin
October 29, 2014 at 4:09 pm
Hmm… Do the 30 day!
KJay
October 30, 2014 at 3:40 pm
Wtf I just got a text from him “Hey I’m going to be late to the meeting, just left court”
Did he actually mess up or was that intentional -.-
I don’t think anyone he works with has my name and he hasn’t messed up like this ever before…
Is it possible he purposely sent me this and wanted me to respond for him to say “wrong person” or do you think it was 100% mistake????
KJay
November 7, 2014 at 2:02 pm
He said “Thank you”
I didn’t reapond 🙂
admin
October 30, 2014 at 6:40 pm
Intentional I am betting.
KJay
November 7, 2014 at 1:21 pm
Ugh I sent a bday text. I did 21 days of absolute silence and I don’t even know if he will respond. I said Have a wonderful 25th birthday. Hope you get lots of pecan&apple pie& 25 ninja turtle cupcakes.
I could have waited but I really felt like a jerk if I said nothing and he has tried indirectly getting me to talk which is dumb but Blah. I hope i didnt make a huge error saying that though, if I hadn’t done 21 days I wouldn’t have considered it…I sent the text like 30 min ago. I’m okay if he doesn’t respond the only response I wouldn’t want is a rude one. I plan on keeping my phone off most of today. I kinda hope he doesn’t respond so I can do another week of NC. Maybe I shouldn’t have sent anything. I wanted to do 30 days but this BDAY has literally been eating at my mind for a week. If he didn’t have a bday today I would have kept my mouth shut. Do I need to start from day 0 now even though I’ve completed 21 days
KJay
November 5, 2014 at 4:18 pm
And I haven’t heard anything else and today is day 20 NC. His bday is in two days and I wanna break so bad. I’m worried he will be upset if I say nothing . Also Why is he indirectly contacting me? He def searched me on Instagram intentionally too… :/ why isn’t he just sending me a direct text meant for me and not “accidental” help? 🙁
KJay
November 3, 2014 at 5:02 pm
Welp about an hour ago he just liked two of my instagram photos…he isn’t even following me so he definitely searched me to look at my page -.- it seems like NC might be working! I’m working on me and he seems to be thinking about me lol
KJay
November 3, 2014 at 3:00 pm
I didn’t respond! I’m on day 18 of nc and getting upset because I haven’t received anything else and I’m not 100% sure if he intentionally sent that wrong message. For a long time now I’ve been the one trying to reach out or make things right bc I was scared of losing him and I want to send a lot of things still…I feel like he didn’t completely let me in bc he was scared of getting hurt from his past and I think he had his own trust issues. I want to address this but know this isn’t the time. His bday is in 4 days and I’m sad I can’t say anything but I’m most upset I haven’t received anything else since that “accidental” text 🙁 it feels hopeless
KJay
October 30, 2014 at 6:56 pm
Wow. That’s dumb. Like that message clearly is meant for someone at work and he’s never made that mistake before (ps court is also part of work, he is a social worker )
I didn’t respond. If it was a mistake I wanna show him im bigger than that. Two weeks ago I would have reacted but not today!
If it was intentional I don’t want to feed into anything…
And at least I know he still has my number in his phone lol…hopefully he doesn’t get mad I don’t respond but I don’t see anything positive coming out of me responding. I’m going to prove to him that I will NOT blow up his phone!
admin
November 3, 2014 at 2:20 pm
Don’t respond! Thats the best way to approach it haha.
KJay
October 29, 2014 at 4:23 pm
Okay. That means he will not get a happy birthday I suppose… :/ I still don’t understand why he was so angry at ME!! And it’s day 13 of NC…I went running again yesterday and felt great…Imma keep it up. But he has said nothing. Should I be concerned? Will he think I’m not texting him bc he threatened me (even tho I sent two after one saying I can’t reason w him and the other apologizing for blowing up n trying to force him to talk in person and he obviously didn’t report me -.- it was stupid and frustrating) can NC still work? When I do contact should I say happy belated or just say something reminded me of him etc
KJay
October 28, 2014 at 6:52 pm
And now I feel like I’m not so early in the NC, this is day 12 🙁
I’m freaking out thinking if I don’t send him “”I needed this for a wake up call. Blowing up was unfair& hurtful..my inability to face MY insecurity. Now I control it, it doesn’t control me:)” he won’t realize I have learned and he will just move on.
I don’t want him to move on…
Diana
October 19, 2014 at 5:39 pm
Is messaging my ex once a week considered needy and clingy?
Lyns
October 7, 2014 at 3:32 am
Hi Chris
I have been seeing someone on and off for just over a year. When I met him, he had just come out of a relationship and was not ready for something new. It was all very cliche as he still treated me as something more. I fell for him pretty quickly but am not very open with my feelings so would always brush it off when he would start to talk serious. He had to go away for work and when he came back he asked if I missed him and i joked and said ‘as if’ etc so even though i had completely fallen for him, i never let it show because he had initially said he wasn’t ready and I was scared of losing him in my life. We talked less frequently and hadn’t spoken in about a month and I text saying hi etc and he replied and in his second reply mentioned that he’d been seeing someone for about a month. My initial reaction was to reply and I blurted out all of my feelings and how I could see us being together etc. He just told me he was speechless and that was it. I followed up with him a few times wanting to meet up and have a chat etc however it fell on deaf ears and he didn’t get back to me. This all happened about two weeks ago now and today he deleted me off all social media. I feel like I have been too clingy in trying to find out how he feels and making contact with him. Although we weren’t technically together we have a pretty big history and I really want him back in my life. Do you think there’s anything I can do to salvage the situation? I am not sure that he is serious with the girl he is seeing.
sarah
September 29, 2014 at 4:19 pm
Dear Chris,
Thanks for taking the time to read my comment! My boyfriend and I were dating for 3.5 years. We have been mainly long distance (2.5 hours apart) for this time. We are seniors in college now. We have only broken up one time before, for a month.
Its always hard for me to transition from being together at home every day in the summer to only about 2 weekends per month.
I was driving home for my friends birthday and stopped by his place. He lives halfway between where I live and home. So, I asked if I could stay at his place to make my trip easier (that’s what I normally do). He said yes, but he was indifferent, as new video game was coming out so he wouldnt have a lot of time to hang out. I became angry because we rarely see each other. I ended up visiting him anyway. We got drunk, I snooped through his texts (now I realize i was so insecure). he was texting some girl in his class that he read the 50 shades of grey book (which he didn’t) and I felt jealous and disrespected. I of course was a gnat and woke him up and fought about it. I think he gets bored with long distance and resorts to flirting through text with other girls. I know he has trouble communicating to me because of my insecure tendencies. Im sure he didn’t bring up my clingyness while we were still together because he is afraid of confrontation and i wouldve probably flipped out. I realized he wasnt getting satisfaction maybe because I stifled his openness. when we broke up, I voiced this to him and apologized for making him feel he can’t talk to me.
On my way back home, he said he wanted me to stop by his place. He seemed glad to see me. I don’t know how the subject came up again, but he ended up saying he didn’t wanna be with me, hes “not the relationship type”, itd be easier to be alone, and he is bored. I of course cried, but did not beg him to change his mind. I apologized for being psycho to him the past few weeks we I did not stay the night, I left and drove home.
After the breakup I was the “texting gnat” you described. I called him, texted him, and he didn’t answer. I begged him for closure for about 4 days. I was acting crazy and angry. Finally, when I stopped, he contacted me a day later. He admitted I was suffocating him in our relationship. I said I was sorry I realize how I was being the “typical crazy girlfriend”. I asked if he wanted me out of his life, and he said “I would never want that”. I said it seems like he doesn’t love me anymore and he said he does love me and he thinks about me a lot. He called and apologized about being an ass. He texted me today saying “Your aunt posted a pic on fb (which he was tagged in) and it made me sad :’( “. He has not taken our relationship down from Facebook. He said he doenst want to hook up with other girls. He wants to “find himself”. I have not been doing no contact with him, but I have been working on not being a text gnat.
My dilemma is that I have a date party for my sorority in 10 days and another 2 day formal in 48 days. I would of course like to take him. We always have a blast together and he rarely gets to come to date parties because its usually on Thursdays, but this one is on a Friday! I usuaully end up taking one of my girl friends.
I am afraid to take another guy to the one in 10 days because I don’t want my ex to see pictures on Facebook. That would be a bad look if I want to get him back. Also, I don’t have another guy that I am close enough to ask! Sometimes my friends get “set up” for dates to these parties. Another friend finds a date for them (kinda like a blind date)
To me it seems like my ex needs time to himself. I know he loves me and I know he and I have things to work on individually. He is a type of guy who no contact would make him go insane! I want him to want me as much as he did in the beginning of our relationship.
I am asking you what I should do about this date party? I don’t want to take a guy I don’t know, or another guy at all for that matter, and ruin my chances of getting back with my ex. I don’t want to take a girl friend either. I know you usually suggest 30 days no contact. Would it be wrong to give my ex about a week of no contact (I think that’s what he wants anyway), then ask him if he wants to go to the party with me? If I did that, I wouldn’t put pressure on him to get back together. I wouldn’t bring up past shortcomings in our relationship. We have SO much fun together. I don’t know what to do because he seems so receptive to talking and he is already saying he misses me and still loves me.
Fiona
September 26, 2014 at 12:51 pm
Hi Chris
I have really tried almost everything, well I feel like I have,,,did 35days no contact rule successfully, started things with “I was driving around and got the ticket, reminded me of u blah blah” and he replied immediately with “I was thinking of you actually the past few days” then we started talking about our daily lives, family but never about us and I would leave him for days without talking and it worked, he started complimenting me daily as I was working out during the break up, tried the daydream bait, I started complimenting him too, tried the jealousy bait as well and they all worked.
I went mute on him for a few days and it was his birthday then he asked that we meet up and spend his birthday together and we did *spent the night together and did the deed* well I know it was wrong but then after that night we started acting as if we back together though we never had that “talk” so a week past still talking like a couple and at the beginning of this week we planned a movie date for Friday *today* he even made me choose the movie that we will be watching so now the problem is that today no one is touching the movie date topic, in the morning he sent a morning text and we spoke a bit but didn’t mention the movie date even once, the time we agreed on has past already, right now am just sitting hoping to get a text or call from him but nada! I told myself that I won’t ask him so the question is does he also have the same mindset as mine or he is playing games with me???
Your reply will mean a lot to me,,,thanks for this site Chris
Anon
September 24, 2014 at 6:35 pm
Hey Chris
I decided to look at your page after months and I went back and found the old comments that I posted. I never realized but I was quite desperate to get back with my ex. Its been almost seven months since my ex and I broke up and I have made major improvements in my life in terms of personal, academic, physical and all around general improvements. Its been almost two months since I spoke to my ex and truth be told I still miss him and want to be with him but I am enjoying life a lot at the moment.
I see my ex almost everyday and he tends to hover around me but never says a word to me. He tends to stare a lot and sit in my direct line of vision quite often. He also gets upset when mutual friends hang out with me. He never talks to me directly but seems to like being around me. Do you think he does this to get a rise out of me or its something to actually pay attention to? Also he hasn’t been single since we broke up.
I’m really losing hope about him.
Thanks again Chris for all your advice.
please help
September 18, 2014 at 11:23 pm
Hi, Chris. Hope you remember me.
I have written about my ex who betrayed me and abused me in many ways.
I was too clingy as he always complaint about me like saying his love wasn’t enough, we couldn’t have a deep conversation, my English wasn’t good enough, we didn’t share any interest etc…
I tried so hard to be an enough girl for him – he never appreciated me and thought I could never enough. In the end, I’ve lost myself and confidence as a woman.
I thought I was in a relationship with him and we still slept together but he thought it was ended. However he didn’t tell me. It was only in his mind which I didn’t know. Then while he was flirting another girl who is his current gf of 10 months, he slept with me and ignored me completely afterwards.
When I was away from him after that, he texted me to break up and I begged.
He finally confessed everything and it shocked me. He met other girls behind of my back which I considered as a cheating, but he said he didn’t think of it as the cheating because he didn’t want to be with me – at that time I was in my country. However he didn’t tell me the way. He said he loved me but because of differences we had, he didn’t think we could be together anymore. It hurt me extremely and made me hate myself so when I held him, he said that yes and he would try further. But behind of that, he met other girls. The situation led me to try hard though, now I saw my efforts was something he never appreciated. He always said he couldn’t have a conversation with me but I tried hard and he didn’t want to listen to me at all I felt like.
What I wanted to ask you is that if the guy who was so much loved by his ex who was loyal, honest and never betrayed him and never threatened him by insisting break-up or so, do they regret in the future? Will he know if I was a good gf who was willing to do everything for him and is there any possibility he will miss me even if he is with another girl?
They are in LDR and after break-up with me, he hid the relationship with her, asked me to have a sex twice which still hurts me incredibly. Anyway he is doing whatever she wants, he goes to visit her which he hasn’t done to me at all. He does things I asked him to do for her but never did for me. I haven’t got any present from him when I gave him a mobile as his b-day gift. He got it and cheated on me with the mobile. Still use it well…
He does things she wants to do when they have an arguments then she asks him to think whether they should continue seeing each other.
Is there any possibility he will realize how much his behavior and mistreat hurt me extremely? Does it normally happen that guys never appreciate with girls who treat them like gold and do everything for someone who doesn’t do much for them? Then should I stop being nice to guys like what I used to do? Doing my best for people and giving them my love is the way I live and respect others but people way I was wrong. I was too nice and kind so he got bored about me, according to others. People say he took me for granted because I did everything for him so he doesn’t appreciate me.
Is that true? Is there no guys who appreciate girls’ efforts and want to be a better person for her?
He said he was unhappy with me when I found that he was still with her and asked me to sleep together and he was hoping to see me changed stronger then he wanted to see the future with me but because I hadn’t been changed, he didn’t want to see the future with me at all and went back to her.
I really tried to understand him and tried to have a conversation with him and be flexible for him. but he hurts me more and more. Also he said it was mostly ok without me.
It’s been almost a year after break-up. but during the 10 months, he used to contact me once a month even though he was going to her country to visit her.
If I truly loved, cared and did everything for him, then he will know later how much his behavior hurt me? Will he miss me and regret his attitude towards me?
Shouldn’t I be kind and nice and understanding anymore like before?
I couldn’t have my voice because I was afraid of losing him. He had power over me all the time and it belittled me more and more.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just tried and tried and tried and now I got hurt extremely and hard to get it over.
I really want to forget everything about him. He and his current gf slept right after I was back to my country shortly and there was my all luggage in his room. It’s really disgusting for me. I’m not sure if that happened in real but I could guess by their messages.
I feel like I’m gonna be mad and I feel so horrible by the fact that he treated me like a whore. I was trying my best for him all the time but what I’ve got from him is only treated really badly and saw he abused my name and made me a fool behind of my back to other girls he knows.
I let him noticed that I entered his fb account so that I can realize I really know everything that he did behind of my back.
I completely cut him off. I’m not sure if I have to block him or not. I don’t know but I just want to make him regret about his mistreatment to me.
But still I’m so sad to know he betrayed me and never appreciated my efforts and really want to know if there is still a chance if he will regret about his behavior for me later and he will miss me and if there are guys, who don’t take me for grated even though I would be too kind and nice for them, exist or if guys are mostly like him all the time..
He said he was physically attracted to me when we had an argument last month when I found out that he was with her and it hurt me incredibly. I wanted to be loved rather than be attractive because of my appearance. I fought for it all the time but he was attracted
by my appearance rather than my trying and personality..
Most importantly, how can I forget him and get over this painful betrayed memories?
I’m suffered by sociophobia after this bad situation. If you might remember, all his friends knew about this situation and they helped him. They were people who I thought also as my friends. I was wrong and was betrayed a group of people. His current gf is a friend of one of the group of people. One of them introduced his current gf to him and then it happened.
I want to be happy. This miserable pain kills me indeed. I’ve lost my mental and physical health.
Please help me by answering my questions… I know it’s so messy writing but please help me.
admin
September 29, 2014 at 12:50 pm
Well, I wrote something about how to move on from an ex if you are interested in that?
Jenna
September 18, 2014 at 8:05 pm
Hello,
Have been reading your blog and was hoping for a bit of advice.
My ex and I lived together, and I moved out after the break up.
I didn’t want it to end, and he knows I want to rekindle. He was very kind to me, and helped out a lot when I was moving out. He even went to a wedding with me after the move. There was no hostility, and he is a wonderful person.
I wasn’t texting or calling a lot, and we still see eachother about once a week. But I’m always the one to initiate it, even though he’s up for hanging out, and even says things like ‘next time let’s try this place..’ And ‘maybe we can hang out this Sunday..’
I’m confused as to if he’s just trying to be friends? Or if he still harbors feelings? I know for a fact he wouldn’t lead me on if his heart wasn’t in it.. But why isn’t he texting or calling me? Does the No Contact even matter if we are both on good terms? And should I bring this up to him and ask him how he feels?
Thank you for any input you may have, I appreciate it 🙂
admin
September 29, 2014 at 12:45 pm
Probably a bit of both.. he has feelings and wants to be friends.