By Chris Seiter

Published on February 14th, 2023

Today we’re going to talk about the major signs that your ex is actually leaving the door open to get back together.

(And each one of these signs is based on a real life example that I’ve encountered in my coaching practice.)

  1. They Set Up A Time In The Future For You To Talk During The Breakup
  2. They Actually Future Pace During Your Climb Up The Value Ladder
  3. They Can’t Help But Fall Back Into Old Habits With You
  4. Rapport Is Easy To Come By In The Texting Phase
  5. They Escalate The Process After No Contact
  6. They Initiate Meetups With Your Friends And Family
  7. The Investment Of Their Time Into You Is High

There’s a lot to cover here so let’s start from the top!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Sign #1: They Set Up A Time In The Future For You To Talk During The Breakup

A few weeks ago I took on an interesting coaching client.

He was trying to get his ex girlfriend back but there was some debate on if she was even his ex. After all, “they were on a break.” Sort of reminiscent of Ross and Rachel from Friends,

I only worked with him a week. Well, both my wife and I did. I basically ran the coaching calls and then both her and I helped him after the fact with his burning questions.

After just 7 days his ex asked for him back.

By far the quickest success story I’ve ever had with a coaching client. What struck me as interesting about this particular case was there was an embedded date for which the two of them were supposed to meet.

So, here was the setup.

  • She initiated the breakup.
  • However, there was an agreement had between the two of them
  • After a month they were going to meet up over dinner and talk things out.

The truth was that my clients ex could only last around a week before being open to reconciling. This is reminiscent of a situation where she wasn’t fully ready to let go of the relationship.

So, if you ever had an ex that insists on seeing each other again after a month or so post breakup it could be a sign that they are leaving the door open.

Sign #2: They Future Pace You During Your Climb Up The Value Ladder

A few clarifications on this one.

If you’ve never heard of the value ladder then I’d encourage you to take a look at this graphic,

This is the overall approach that we recommend our clients take after a breakup if they want to,

  1. Get their ex back
  2. Get over their ex

But for this particular discussion we are interested in the “getting an ex back” portion.

One of the surefire ways to tell that things are working is if your ex “future paces” during your climb up the ladder.

Once again, this is the ladder I’m talking about,

At some point as you work your way through it if your ex future paces…

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Future Pace: Make plans with you to do something in the far off future

It’s generally a sign that the door is still very open.

I’ve seen all kinds of variations on this.

  • Ya, we’ll do that one day.
  • If you are excited right now wait until you see what I have planned
  • You get the idea…

Sign #2 as you can see is eerily similar to sign #1. They are mirrors of each other in an odd way. Dark twins of one another.

Sign #3: The Fall Back Into Old Habits With You

How often have you been in a situation where your ex breaks up with you only to have them treat you exactly the same in the post breakup period?

They don’t stop contacting you.

They rely on you for emotional support.

Sometimes they still keep the physical relationship up

One of the odd things I’ve noticed some exes do after a relationship is that they have a hard time letting the old habits die. This is especially true in situations where you are dealing with years and years of habit building.

That doesn’t go away overnight.

But why?

Well, I think there is a hint of comfortability surrounding it and usually what we find is that the grass is greener syndrome plays a huge role.

Your ex breaks up with you because of GIGS (they think they can do better than you,)

But inevitably they don’t find anyone that fulfills them the way you did so what do they do? They come back to ground zero, the relationship that they have grown comfortable with.

Now, what’s interesting is that just because they basically do everything with you that they used to do (minus the title) doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll commit.

I’d recommend reading this article start to finish to figure out how to do that.

All this means is that the door is still open.

Sign #4: Rapport Is Easy To Come By In The Texting Phase

One of the big projects for this year is me redoing a lot of my texting advice that is outdated.

It’s literally been five years since I’ve last gone through and updated the programs texting approach. I know so much now that I didn’t back then. For example, one of the primary indicators that things are going incredibly well is that rapport is coming to you easily.

In fact, I think it may be the single biggest indicator that you are likely to get your ex back.

But what does that mean exactly?

How does one define easy rapport?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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I’m actually going to point to my experience coaching hundreds of individuals here.

The last time I took on more than 60 clients in a month (I’m far more selective now sometimes only taking on a handful a year) was in 2016. What’s interesting about that level of volume though is you get to experience a lot of different personalities.

  • There are some people that you just click with right away.
  • There are other people that you don’t.

Not to say that anyone is doing anything wrong but there’s a gut feel that you get along better with this person as opposed to that person.

I’d say rapport building is a lot like that.

It’s a gut feel that things are going well.

Though I suppose you want technical things to look at, don’t you?

Well, in that case you are looking at the big three,

  1. Texting Ratio: You are maintaining a 1 to 1 text count. For every one text they send you send one in return.
  2. Word Count: Their messages are wordier than yours.
  3. Response Time: They respond quicker than you do.

If you have that trifecta working then generally you are building rapport.

Sign #5: They Escalate The Process After No Contact

This is something that came to mind after that experience I talked about in sign #1 with my client.

Sometimes you have an ex that escalates the process and jumps the value ladder for you.

Almost always this happens after a no contact rule.

Traditionally what a successful situation looks like is,

  • Completed no contact
  • First reach out
  • Rapport building in texts
  • Brief phone call phase
  • Meetup
  • Date
  • Romantic date
  • Ask back out

Sometimes though what happens is an ex wants to rush that process for you,

  • Completed no contact
  • First reach out
  • Ex asks to meet up with you

I always use the analogy of zero to sixty.

Usually you’ll find fearful avoidant exes fall victim to this pattern because their anxious side gets triggered.

Sign #6: They Initiate Meetups With Your Friends And Family

I’m going to preface this by saying that I have only seen this a handful of times and usually with my clients who don’t want their exes back.

It’s funny how it’s usually the exes you don’t want to come back that actually try to come back.

I talk a little about that concept in this video,

One of the things that an ex who still very much is open to a reconciliation will do, especially if you aren’t responding to them, is try to capture your attention by trying to get your friends and family to meet up with them.

I’ve talked a lot on this website about the sphere of influence idea.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Basically every one of us has a circle of friends and family whose opinions we truly care about. The opinions of these individuals can sometimes shape our entire way of looking at a situation.

Don’t believe me?

Look no further than political views.

If you grew up in a household with Democratic parents then you probably are more likely to vote Democrat.

If you grew up in a household with Republican parents then guess what? You’ll probably vote Republican.

This is the sphere of influence at work.

And inherently we all understand how this works even if no one spells it out for us. Your ex, especially if they are interested in reconciling and you aren’t will look for any way to convince you and that means pitching themselves to your friends and family.

Your own sphere of influence.

Sign #7: Their Investment Of Time Into You Is High

The interdependence theory…

I’ve talked a lot about it on this website and have even added my own flourishes to it over the years but at its core it revolves around three components.

  1. Satisfaction
  2. Alternatives
  3. Investment

Researchers believe that above all these three pillars make up the primary reasons for why we commit to one another.

You see, the IT (Interdependence Theory) posits that humans make commitment decisions based on an internal pro and cons list. We are always searching for the best deal possible.

How do we grade this deal?

Simple, we look at,

  1. How satisfied we are in a relationship?
  2. Are there better alternatives out there?
  3. How much have we invested into this person?

So, why the emphasis on investment?

Because even if you score poorly in satisfaction and alternatives as long as you have invested into something it makes you think twice by throwing it away. Why do you think so many people are trapped in loveless marriages?

They aren’t satisfied…

They definitely think they can do better…

But they’ve invested so much and don’t want to admit that the time invested was spent poorly.

Thus, if your ex is investing a ton of time talking to you, seeing you in person.

It’s a good thing.

They are spending a currency on you… a currency that once is spent can never be regained.

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