Today we’re going to talk about your breakup and if it might actually be a blessing in disguise.

Now, most people who visit this website want one thing above all (they want their exes back). For the most part I’ve catered to this audience. However, earlier this year I began interviewing success stories from our community (people who actually got their exes back) and stumbled across something pretty mind blowing.

Most of them actually had to “let go of their exes” before they came back.

And thus, we entertain todays article.

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Is Your Breakup Actually A Blessing In Disguise?

One of my favorite t-shirts actually says “Change the paradigm” upside down on it.

It’s sort of my litmus test to see if people are smart enough to get it.

Upside down writing on a T-shirt is a break from routine T-shirts and that’s kind of what a paradigm change is all about –

Looking at something from a different point of view.

Looking at your breakup as a blessing requires a huge paradigm shift because it means seeing loss and turning it into an opportunity. That means no more endless moping and seeing a breakup as the worst thing ever and instead, seeing it as a blessing.

I probably wouldn’t have said something like this a couple of years ago but like I mentioned earlier I’ve been interviewing several of our success stories and it’s really opened my eyes to some new things.

The most interesting trend I’ve noticed in people who successfully got their exes back is a specific mindset where they mourn their breakup while still having the fortitude to see it as a blessing.

I Believe Most Of The Breakup Industry Has You Focus On The Wrong Things

Contrary to popular expertise in the breakup industry, achieving this mindset of seeing a breakup as an opportunity for personal growth is much more important in getting your ex back than saying or doing the “right” thing.

There is absolutely no magical phrase or conversational strategy that can guarantee results in this process if you’re not looking at your breakup as a blessing.

Now are there exceptions to this?

Sure.

But do you want to bet on being that exception who life works out perfectly for?

Probably not.

I’m sure plenty of people in this industry will tell you that they have the magic bullet solution like a certain phrase or action that can make your ex come crawling back to you. But that’s just not how this works.

Promising magical solutions to emotionally vulnerable people who just went through heartbreak is probably the biggest issue in the breakup industry.

So I am not here to do that today.

I’m here to share how REAL people who got their exes back think and how their frame of mind helps them succeed.

People who successfully get their exes back don’t look at a breakup as this all-encompassing depressing moment, they look at it as an opportunity to improve themselves.

I was recently talking to a friend about this concept as he was trying to figure out why a girl he likes responds better to certain things as opposed to others.

As he obsessed over each little interaction, I sat back and thought more about the successful people who got their exes back.

I realized that these success stories are extremely positive and most of all, at some point they stop caring about whether they got their ex back.

In other words, they shifted the paradigm.

Where most ordinary people would kind of give up (on themselves and maybe even the relationship) after a breakup, extraordinary people would take that time to improve themselves and fall in love with themselves. That way they make themselves so irresistible that their ex would come back to them even if they don’t care anymore.

I know that this mindset change works because so many success stories prove it but I wanted to find a psychological reason to explain this too.

I don’t want it to seem like I’m waving some magic wand saying “stop caring about your ex and then all of a sudden they’re gonna be interested in you again.

The answer to why this works lies in attachment styles.

Why I Believe Attachment Styles Are The Key

Now this attachment style concept is one that I’ve recently talked about in a video for my other website Ex Girlfriend Recovery.

I essentially talked about the attachment styles and why someone might reach out or pretend you don’t exist according to their attachment style.

Attachment styles are also very relevant when it comes to seeing a breakup as a blessing in disguise.

Four main attachment styles

  1. Anxious
  2. Avoidant
  3. Fearful
  4. Secure

Let’s expand on each of these.

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment style is basically marked by discomfort with deep connection.

Typical behavior in people with this attachment style is things like ghosting or just believing that any display of deep emotion is overkill.

Sometimes avoidants will even use humor to mask deeply emotional moments because they don’t know how to process them.

If that sounds familiar, it might be because your ex is showing an avoidant attachment style, and your efforts to get them back probably make it worse, especially if you have anxious attachment…

Anxious Attachment

The opposite of avoidant attachment, anxious attachment fears the loss of connection.

People with this attachment style are almost always hopping on from one relationship to the other. They crave an emotional connection so bad that they cannot imagine life on their own.

For an anxious type, being without that cherished connection can feel like dying.

Most of the people I work with are anxious types of attachment styles and it’s one of the reasons I came up with the term GNATing:

GNATing – Going Nuts At Texting

Does this sound like you?

If you see your breakup as the worst thing ever, you’re probably blowing your ex’s phone up and trying to fix the problem as soon as possible.

Now couple that with the possibility of your ex having an avoidant style and this kind of behavior will just make them put up their guard even more.

Fearful Attachment

Fearful attachment combines the most challenging traits of anxious and avoidant attachment styles.

Think of it as the worst of both worlds. This style is often characterized by an internal tug of war where you will crave attention one minute and be super uncomfortable with it the next.

People with a fearful attachment style are unpredictable and will often self-sabotage their relationships.

Luckily, only 2% of the human population has this attachment style. In other words, there’s a safe 98% chance your ex is not a fearful attachment kind of person, so you don’t need to worry about it too much.

Secure Attachment.

Arguably the best attachment style, secure attachment involves a deep trust in having the fortitude to deal with the fear of loss.

The relationships of the secure type aren’t usually driven by fear. That’s not to say people with a secure attachment style don’t feel fear, they absolutely do. They just have the resolve, strength, and hope to not let that fear control their relationships.

Most of my success stories exhibit signs of having (or faking until they become) a secure attachment style. They get to a point where they don’t care about getting their ex back anymore and that’s what makes them even more attractive to their ex.

Secure Attachment = The Technical Magic Bullet You’re Looking For

So if you ask me for a magic bullet to get an ex back my answer won’t be a perfect text message or the no contact rule, it’ll always be pushing yourself towards a secure attachment style.

Notice how I said “pushing” yourself? That’s because most of us don’t naturally have that style. It’s an ideal for us to work towards so don’t put yourself down if you don’t have it. It’s not too late to start changing your mindset and attachment style.

Also, fake it till you make it is definitely a valid strategy when working towards seeing your breakup as a blessing in disguise.

After all, your ex doesn’t know whether you’re faking that secure attachment style or whether you’re so content that you truly don’t care if they come back to you.

Eventually, you’ll get so good at faking it that your mind and heart will genuinely start helping you to achieve that ultimate paradigm shift. You’ll be able to inspect how you were before – fearful, avoidant, or anxious- and how much progress you’ve made in getting to a secure attachment style.

The ultimate goal is to speak to your ex with your inaction.

We’ve all heard the classic “actions speak louder than words”, but inaction and silence can be even more powerful. You can unlock new levels of confidence and attractiveness by simply letting your ex have time to figure life out.

In the meantime, you work on yourself and your secure attachment style.

If your ex comes back, cool. If not, you’re still a better person than you were before!

Plus, if you do get your ex back, the secure attachment style you learned after the breakup will help fix the overall dynamic of the relationship that was wrong in the first place.

Conclusion:

Breakups hardly seem like blessings at first but if you see your breakup as an opportunity to focus on yourself and develop a secure attachment style your ex will find you intriguing and they’ll be more willing to get back with you!

What to Read Next

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5 thoughts on “Is Your Breakup Actually A Blessing In Disguise?”

  1. Avatar

    Claudia

    November 24, 2020 at 7:41 pm

    Thank you for posting a different type of perspective regarding the whole break up issue. I came here thinking about how this website would help me get my ex back, but instead I got something so much better: the ability to trust myself, gain confidence and work on myself disregarding whether my ex comes back or not: anyways I will be a better person . Thank you for this

  2. Avatar

    maddie

    November 10, 2020 at 8:07 pm

    @Haley, same here. I’m ok by myself but I know my ex won’t be back because she thinks she has nothing to work on. Or at least, within the relationship. But I’m making myself better for me, and so my next relationship will not have the same issues. At least, I won’t bring them.

  3. Avatar

    Gemma

    November 3, 2020 at 11:11 am

    I really like the .meaning behind this post. I have a question, it is entirely my choice but my ex emotionally cheated 1yr ago, we’ve recently been trying to make it work again as we had a lovely relationship up until that point. However he told me he would do anything to prove to me that he has changed ans is ‘all in’ but he recently disappeared for a few days and I ask why and he had started dating someone else too, but he said he still wants me? I’d be a fool to take him back wouldnt I?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 4, 2020 at 6:21 pm

      Hi Gemma, so this situation is that he feels that maybe he lost someone who was amazing, but is not willing to wait around while you decide. If you went back with him I would suggest that you explain to him that you are going in with the expectation that he is going to be faithful and honest this time around. You also must accept that you cannot use the past against him if you choose to get back together, leave the past in the past. If you don’t think that you are going to be able to fully trust him then I would suggest that you think about moving on.

  4. Avatar

    Haley

    November 3, 2020 at 10:41 am

    These blogs have really helped me remember why I’m sticking to no contact, and why I’m taking steps to improve myself after my devastating breakup. It’s so that I can feel confortable by myself, not so that my ex can feel comfortable with me.