What if I were to tell you that there are five questions that you can answer to determine if your ex is the right one for you. One of the most popular questions I get asked is, should I try to get my ex back. Well, with these four questions, assuming you have the right answers, you will know be able to figure out if you should be trying to get an ex back or trying to move on.
So, what are the famous five questions?
- The Non Negotiable Value Question
- The Loneliness Question
- The Passing Time Question
- The Abuse Question
- The Magnum Opus Question
There’s a lot to dive into here so lets begin!
The Non Negotiable Value Question
This is one that I don’t talk about nearly enough but since we are trying to figure out if your ex is right for you it’s a matter of compatibility.
And weirdly, this is something I explored in one of my more recent articles. When asking my clients what exes they would avoid at all costs in my private facebook group I got this answer,
It’s interesting because the person above talks about religious differences being the cause of a breakup and that’s always a difficult line to walk but if you really think about it, it boils down to a non negotiable value.
Now, I’m not really one for recommending people create a “pros and cons” lists.
However, I do think a list worth creating are non negotiable values. In other words, what values will you not put up with, within an ex.
There can’t be like fifty of them either. As a general rule, each of us has at least two or three values that we need our mates to have.
I’ll use myself as an example.
- I will never date a smoker
- I draw the line at cheating (cheat on me at your own peril)
For me, these are non negotiable. That means if you fall under one of these values in a negative way I won’t even consider you for dating. Now, each persons list is individual to them. Some people aren’t bothered by smoking but they are bothered by alcohol.
The non negotiable list is only for you, only meant to be seen by your eyes.
Of course, an interesting thing happens when we are trying to get exes back. We sometimes disregard our non negotiables. We give exes leeway. Maybe we never even thought about non negotiables before and were just so desperate to be in a relationship.
But it’s time to start.
If your ex doesn’t share your non negotiable values then I can tell you right now that they aren’t the right person for you and you should move on.
If they do, well, lets continue down the list.
The Loneliness Question
Here’s where we bring attachment styles into the fold. Most of our clients believe that they have an anxious preoccupied attachment style,
This means that most of our clients suffer from the same core wound,
They are terrified of being abandoned.
In fact, in many cases they’ll do everything they can to avoid it which often leads them to searching the internet for advice on how to win exes back but what I’m going to do is challenge you to make sure that you aren’t making a decision based on your current loneliness.
One of the interesting things I’ve been studying this year is the correlation between individuals who move on and get their exes back and those who trudge forward without moving on at all,
What we’ve found is that if you are unable to outgrow your ex then you actually hamper yourself when it comes to getting them back.
Loneliness is often borne out of desperation.
And desperation is an anxious attachment quality. So, here’s the question I want you to honestly answer.
Do you want your ex back simply because you can’t take the loneliness of being alone?
If you aren’t able to say “No” to that question then in my opinion you aren’t ready to begin this journey. In fact, I’d say need to work on getting over your ex first before you try to get them back. Now, in that vein we come to the next question.
The Passing Time Question
This one is probably going to be hard to hear but you need to hear it.
The question you need to honestly answer is,
Are you willing to wait a minimum of 5.2 months for success?
According to our internal research the average amount of time it takes to see success with our program (meaning an ex asking for you back) is around six months.
But honestly, I’ve seen it take longer in some cases.
Why does it take so long. Well, there’s a lot of factors that go into it.
- There’s the initial no contact period (which takes time)
- There’s the situational circumstances (like being in an LDR or having them date someone else)
All of this stuff adds up and ultimately adds more time to the process.
Patience is sort of a requirement and if you don’t have it then you aren’t going to do well.
The Abuse Question
This is the one non negotiable that should be obvious.
Any type of;
- Physical Abuse
- Emotional Abuse
Is a non starter. Avoid this person at all costs. I just did a big write up about this and added a bit of an addition.
I’d even avoid exes who had a history of violence with past partners.
I’m not saying that they aren’t capable of change but I don’t want any of my clients to risk their well being.
The Magnum Opus Question
I hinted a little about this above but I’m really going to go into it here.
If it’s true that the correlation we are seeing is that those who have their own life seem to have an easier time at getting their exes back then how does one “get their own life back?”
How does one outgrow their ex?
Well, the only thing that I’ve ever seen work for my clients is having them find something that they care about more than their ex. Something that they feel gives their life meaning.
I’ve been coining this thing the “magnum opus,”
Your life’s greatest accomplishment. Something that you feel so strongly about you have no problem putting your ex on the back burner.
My question is this.
Have you found something that you feel this powerful about?
If the answer is no then I can’t recommend you to get your ex back. Not until you have found it and kicked your ex off the pedestal you may have them placed on.
You see, the thing about the magnum opus that is powerful is that it helps you put the breakup into perspective.
And if you do it correctly, by pursuing your magnum opus you become more attractive to not just your ex but all potential suitors. You give yourself the best chance to find happiness.
The Importance Of Choice
Most people think they want their exes back but that’s not really what they want.
What they really want is to be in a relationship where they are happy with a high potential for marriage.
They convince themselves that their ex is that person.
And maybe they are.
But half of all of our success stories have broken up with their ex again in the first three months of reconciliation.
THAT NUMBER IS TOO HIGH FOR MY LIKING.
So, how do we cure it?
For years I studied advice on maintaining healthy relationships but in most cases people weren’t able to get out of their own way. So, I’ve switched gears. Now I think its really important for everyone who is even considering trying to get an ex back to first figure out if their ex is the right person for them.
And yes… that means doing something scary.
It means running both yourself and your ex through a gauntlet of questions designed to weed out the failures.
Because what I don’t want and what you don’t want is for you to get an ex back only to have them,
- Mistreat you
- Break up with you again
- Leaving you even more devastated than the first time
So, as you go through my gauntlet of five questions be brutally honest. It’s not my happiness at stake, it’s yours.