Today we’re going to talk about the types of exes that I don’t think are worth trying to get back. You’d think this wouldn’t be a controversial topic but I’ve found it is.
Mostly because the vast majority of individuals who visit this website are desperate to get their exes back. As a result they tend to overlook things they really shouldn’t but in my opinion there needs to be a line and that’s the intent of this article.
To create that line.
If an ex crosses it then they should be forgotten, forever. Turns out, there are seven exes that I personally think should be avoided at all costs,
- The Serial Cheaters
- Engaged To Someone Else
- History Of Violence
- Doesn’t Share The Same Values
- You’ve Been On And Off More Than Five Times
- The Control Freak
- They Are Ashamed Of You
Like always, lets start from the top.
Type #1: The Serial Cheaters
I want to start by saying that not all exes who cheat are like this. Also, I’m only drawing upon my own experience so do take it with a grain of salt.
What is a serial cheater?
Well, I consider it to be someone who gets in the habit of cheating on their partners.
This isn’t a one time mistake. Rather, it’s a consistent thing that they have done throughout the history of their dating experience. Usually the way this works is simple.
- Your ex, before they dated you, was with someone else
- They cheated on that person with you.
- Then they enter into a relationship with you
- Then they meet someone else while they are with you
- Then they cheat on you with that other person
We always like to think that we are different.
That even though our current boyfriend or girlfriend cheated on their past significant other that it won’t happen to us.
But think about that logic right there.
Someone who thinks its ok to cheat instead of having a breakup conversation before they “move on” has a penchant for lying.
The entire foundation of your relationship was built on a lie. So, why wouldn’t they do the same thing to you?
What’s really interesting when looking at these types of exes is that usually you hear about their history from past partners. I can’t tell you how often I’ll see someone post in our private Facebook support group that one of their current partners exes has reached out to say that they are a serial cheater.
This is a red flag that shouldn’t be ignored.
Type #2: They Are Engaged To Someone Else
It’s painful when an ex who you so dearly loved won’t commit to you.
Maybe even the mere mention of marriage is what caused them to break up with you but the very next person they are with they end up getting engaged to.
You start the self blame.
What’s wrong with me?
How can I fix it?
There is probably even something deep inside of you that wants to pursue them.
I’m here to tell you, don’t.
If your ex is engaged to someone else that should be enough of a sign to tell you that this person isn’t right for you.
My reasoning is simple, lets say you do get them back. They end up leaving the person they were supposed to marry at the altar. The entire time you are with them you are going to have to live with the fact that you were the second choice. Not to mention the fact that someone who takes marriage so lightly before it has even begun isn’t prone to be a great long term partner.
Type #3: A History Of Violence
This is a no brainer.
Any form of physical or emotional violence should be a hard no.
But I want to add one stipulation.
This includes violence done to other people in past relationships as well. So, even if your current partner or ex hasn’t used any physical or emotional violence on you but they admitted to doing it in the past with other exes that’s a gigantic red flag and should be a non starter.
Type #4: Doesn’t Share The Same Values
I can’t claim credit for this one.
I actually went and asked my facebook group if they had any outside the box ideas to include and this answer struck me,
There was one DA ex a couple years back. We were in a situationship for 8 months at the end of our college year. We had to break it off because of religious reasons. I did the silent treatment, never rushed back to him or be clingy to him, he tried to come back around but it’s not for what I wanted.
This got me thinking.
Each of us have our own internal values. I think actually one of the experts I interviewed for my podcast a LOOONNNG time ago brought this up,
In this interview, Chase from I Do Podcast talks about the non negotiable values we have and how important they are to stand by.
The comment above, religion seemed to be one of those non negotiable values that the ex didn’t share.
And that’s ok.
The last thing you want is to be in a relationship with someone who holds completely different values to you. But it’s hard for a lot of people on the outset of a breakup because they so desperately want to get the relationship back. They overlook the fact that the values might not match up with their own.
But if there is a gift within a breakup then it is perhaps the fact that it allows enough time to go by to take a look at our values, see if they line up with our exes and act accordingly.
Type #5: You’ve Been On And Off More Than Five Times
This is something I instinctually knew but it was only after reading this comment that it clicked for me,
Yep my ex before my ERP. We were together for 5 years and broke up multiple times, mainly immature reasons. I got tired of the back and forth after not talking for small amounts of time (so NC unofficially) until I completely walked away for good. Focused on myself and finished school. He came back each time especially when I ignored him fully. This continued for 6 years post break up. Last time he reached out to me was almost a year ago to randomly say something reminded him of me and I was hard to forget. ( this was even after I told him there was no chance of a future together and currently with his new girlfriend )
Can you imagine being on again/off again with someone for six whole years?
I’ve been on record saying that the challenge with these types of relationships isn’t necessarily “winning them back” but it’s keeping them together.
For me, the ex recovery process isn’t really worth it if you are going to get an ex back only to break up with them again. I’m looking for long lasting connection and yes to me that means marriage. I only write articles for this website because I want to help people find the person they are supposed to be with.
- Their best friend
All wrapped into one.
Someone that they have no problem spending the rest of their lives with.
Generally I have not found those people stuck in long on again/off again relationships.
Don’t misunderstand me.
Being on again/off again is ok for one maybe two times but once we start getting up there.
It starts to become excessive and hints at a bigger underlying problem existing.
Type #6: The Control Freak
The typical trope here usually happens when a woman, our client, is dating a guy who is super controlling.
I’d actually like to flip that trope on its head and show you a guy who was dating a woman who was super controlling,
My ERP ex I thought was the love of my life but it turns out that through ROs it turns out it was for the best to leave her. She tried to control what was going on before we even go together ie controlling who I had as friends and who I could and couldn’t see/talk to. These are people I build up friendships with through my NC and people that helped me find who I was, I owe more to them than I do to her
The reason I think this type of an ex should be avoided is that typically that controlling behavior isn’t going to go away on its own.
It’s the Rapunzel effect. They want to lock you in a tower and only let you out when they want you to come out.
It all stems from their anxiety of course.
They are so fearful you are going to leave them that they don’t let you leave.
Type #7: They Are Ashamed Of You
This is perhaps the most interesting one.
I used to date a 6’1″ model (I’m 5’7″). I would always try to plan dates but she would always come up with an excuse to cancel.
Months later after everything ended. I found out she was ashamed of my height but she was with me (behind closed doors) because “women talk” and she wanted to “find out for herself”.
8 years later she’s found out I’m single and she’s sliding in to my DMs.
I love this story because it exemplifies living well being the best revenge.
I’m not really sure I need to add too much more to this. The story tells it all.
Here’s the moral of the story, don’t date someone who is embarrassed or ashamed of you.