By Chris Seiter

Published on May 5th, 2023

This is a complete guide to staying positive after a breakup.

Today, I will help you navigate the 5 core ideas that have worked for our clients. Ideas that have helped countless people to regain their happiness and confidence after a breakup.

Here’s a quick overview.

  1. Take control of your anxiety.
  2. Adopt Our Holy Trinity Concept
  3. Find A Trusted Community That Can Support and Hold You Accountable
  4. The Importance of Allowing Yourself to Grieve
  5. Employ The Ungettable Confidence Cake

Let’s dive right in.

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#1: Take control of your anxiety.

You are probably no stranger to anxiety, especially after a breakup.

In fact, I want you to take a look at something,

This is what is happening neurochemically to your body after a breakup.

That elevated hormone is called Cortisone,

Also known as the stress hormone. In fact, research consistently points to cortisol being elevated during crazy life-stressing moments.

And you want to know what cortisol is often associated with?


Chris Seiter, our founder, had the chance to interview Gina Ryan, an anxiety coach, a few years ago,

In the interview, she explained that her anxiety made her feel insecure and caused her to become more nervous than necessary, even in situations that haven’t occurred yet.

“It isn’t like a light switch,” she adds, describing her panic attack episodes as “the type that come and go,” making her feel like she was waiting for impending doom.

Interestingly, if you do end up listening to Chris’ interview with her. They end up going through a bunch of different common anxiety symptoms experienced after a breakup.

  • You develop a fear or unease about the possibility of failure and self-doubt. This feeling can be similar to experiencing fear or apprehension about something that never happened in your relationship. Still, you believe it to be a significant cause of the breakup.
  • You have difficulty sleeping or eating. This often occurs because stress can impede digestion and create a numbing sensation that makes it challenging to recognize hunger signals.
  • You’re unable to stay calm. According to Chris, when you’re excessively fixated on your ex, your brain craves replenishing the “oxytocin” you once had with them.
  • You are shaking and feeling dizzy. As Gina and Chris describe it, the sensation of being on a boat can generate a feeling of uneasiness or discomfort in the chest, which has the potential to evolve into a traumatic experience.

So, how do you actually do something about the anxiety?

Let’s lean on Gina’s knowledge,

“You can take it two-fold. Calm down for now. Build a plan for the future, not just a quick fix.” – Gina

By building a consistent plan, she discusses the RAIN Method. This acronym stands for Recognize, Accept, Investigate, and Non-Identify.

  • First, you need to recognize the experience. It would help if you acknowledged the fact that you’re feeling that emotion right at the moment. It’s okay to feel those; you’re a human, not a robot.
  • The next step is acceptance. You’ve probably heard the saying, “Acceptance is key,” and it’s true. It can be hard to accept things that hurt us, but allowing ourselves to be in the experience is essential. If we deny our feelings, it can actually make it worse.
  • After that, it’s time to investigate. Take a look at what you want, like, and prefer. Identify the root cause of your emotions – you might be surprised by what you discover! Just remember to approach it with curiosity, not judgment.
  • And finally, non-identification. Take care of yourself by offering compassion and self-care. Don’t let the problem become a part of your identity – remember, as Moana said, “It’s not who you are.”

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The RAIN method is an effective way to manage negative thoughts and emotions in the long run.

Try to make this method a regular part of your routine, like a meditation practice.

By doing so, you’ll build a space that gives you a choice in responding to challenging situations. And it’s a space just for you – nobody can take it away.

#2: Adopt Our Holy Trinity Concept

The holy trinity concept is a fundamental philosophy mentioned throughout Ex Boyfriend Recovery.


The Holy Trinity Concept consists of

  1. Health
  2. Wealth
  3. Relationships


To fully understand this, you must know how it works. Watch this video Chris did on it,

Take this scenario as an example:

You just went through a tough breakup with your long-term partner. It left you sad, lost, and unsure of what to do next. But then you decide to try something new to help you move forward.

You start by focusing on your physical and mental health. You join a gym and start going for a run every morning. You also began meditating and practicing yoga to reduce stress and improve mood.

As your mood improves, you can focus on your career goals, building wealth. And by wealth, I also mean experiences and knowledge in life, not just money.

By being focused, you can be productive and achieve your desired goals.

But let’s think about this for a moment. How were you able to achieve all of this?

Just like the quote says, “No man is an island.”

Your friends, co-workers, and family supported you through it all. They were a powerful healing force that made you maintain good health and wealth. In the process of all that, you build confidence and feel supported instead of waiting for time to heal you.

In other words, by working on health, you positively impacted wealth, and by working on wealth, you positively impacted relationships until all three elements of the trinity are balanced.

Do you get the picture?

If you concentrate on the Holy Trinity concept, you can rebuild your life after a breakup. By doing this, you can stay optimistic and full of hope increasing the chances of your ex returning to you.

#3: Find a Trusted Community That Can Support and Hold You Accountable

One of the things we’ve noticed with our own Ex Boyfriend Recovery community is that it works because there are three layers of accountability.

Peer To Peer Accountability

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You have other people that you are struggling with and going through breakups. People who can relate to what you are feeling.

Veteran Member Accountability

You’ll have people further ahead of you who will be helping you through the breakup, showing you how to engage in healthy habits, and cheering you on every step of the way because they’ve done it.

Expert Accountability

You’ll be looked after by the founders, coaches, and moderators who have done hundreds of different times.

So, by joining a community, you aren’t just making a bet on yourself, but you are betting on these layers of accountability to help pull you through one of the most challenging times in your life.

#4: The Importance of Allowing Yourself To Grieve

When you allow yourself to grieve, you acknowledge your loss and take steps toward healing.

Recent studies have started to acknowledge that the emotions related to the loss of a romantic relationship – including the love that was once present – after a difficult breakup are similar to the grief felt when a loved one dies.

Some of the prominent strategies that Dr. Jeremey Sutton, Ph.D. recommends for therapists who are in training when it comes to grieving is,

  • Teaching people not to fight their feelings. Similar to the A in the RAIN Method, you need to accept what you’re feeling because fighting it can worsen your holy trinity-health, wealth, and relationships.
  • Being upset emotionally and having complicated feelings may be unwelcome and uncomfortable but should not be ignored or suppressed.
  • The therapist should work with clients to identify their feelings (positive and negative), explaining that these are normal and healthy and should be experienced fully.

Remember to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise.

With time, you will learn to adjust to your new reality and find ways to honor the memory of what you have lost while also embracing new beginnings.

After all, there’s an end to everything.

#5: Employ The Ungettable Confidence Cake

The Confidence Cake is a metaphor for building confidence that Chris Seiter discusses in his book, Ungettable.

Here’s a fact, The Ungettable mindset can be one of the most profound methods employed during a breakup recovery. It helps clients focus more on self-growth as they become the main character in their life, not their pain.

So, here’s how Chris relates ‘staying positive after a breakup’ to a cake.


  • The Surface Layer is all about how people perceive who you are. It allows you to shape how you present yourself to the world and to create a positive impression that may attract new opportunities and relationships. By recognizing that the Surface Layer is only one aspect of your identity, you can work on building a stronger and more authentic sense of self, which can help you navigate the challenges of a breakup with greater resilience and confidence.
  • The Lifestyle Layer is all about what you do and how you like to improve yourself. This layer is about setting goals and achieving them. Whether it is something small, like finishing a book or learning a new skill, or something more significant, like getting a promotion, accomplishing goals can help you build confidence and a sense of pride.
  • The Internal Layer focuses on developing the ability to respond to emotions in a stable manner, which can give you confidence that you’ll be able to handle challenges without being overwhelmed. By prioritizing your overall well-being, you can improve your self-esteem and feel more in control of your life. This layer can be compared to the base layer of a cake, as it provides a strong foundation that can help you avoid returning to your previous state.


Pain and relationship change is inevitable, but there are five ways to stay positive after a breakup.

Let’s do a recap!

  • If you want a long-term solution to manage your anxiety, use the RAIN Method. You need to recognize your experience, accept that it is happening to you, be curious to investigate your preferences and remember to non-identify because the problem does not define you.
  • If you want to be confidently beautiful with class, adopt our holy trinity concept, which aims to allow you to prosper by providing you with a new focus and making you strive to be a better version of yourself. The process ensures that you’ll feel good about acquiring grace and wisdom. Remember to balance the trinity because Chris Seiter said, “If you take one aspect of the trinity away, the other two are negatively impacted.”
  • Moreover, finding a trusted community that can support and hold you accountable is essential. Having support from people that understand you is a powerful healing force.
  • And, of course, knowing the importance of allowing yourself to grieve is the first step that could help you see the next move you need to make, similar to the quote, “Suffer now, enjoy later.”
  • And lastly, Chris Seiter’s confidence cake. Focus on building your confidence in each of the three layers to create a strong foundation and become the best version of yourself.

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