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Renee
February 16, 2014 at 7:37 am
Hi Chris,
So me and my ex recently broke up. I left him after an argument. Whenever he makes decisions it seems as if he really doesn’t care about me when he makes them and that he doesn’t make me one of his priorities. Anyway after breaking it off with him, I noticed he was starting to come to the gym at the same times I’ve been going to the gym (something he never does because he works early in the morning, and I go late so I won’t run into him). The first time and every time I’ve seen him, he’s made sure he crossed my path only to ignore me. I don’t understand this at all. He purposely tries to come around me so he can ignore me and he tries his hardest not to look at me but I still catch him. I do miss him and want him back but I am almost 100% sure that him taking me for granted will certainly continue which is the only reason I left. How can I get him to regret losing me and influence him possibly to want to change how he treats me? One thing I won’t tolerate is being mistreated or taken for granted but I do miss him and I know he’s gotta feel something or he would go through all this mess he’s doing at 37 y/o lol! Plz help!!!
Lynn
February 16, 2014 at 6:57 am
Chris, I do not know what to do. I feel like my ex just could care less about me now. 🙁 We’ve been inseparable (talking-wise) ever since we first met online. Don’t think we ever went more than a few days without communicating in some way (even if it was just short updates or emails while on vacation, etc.).
We were friends for a year and a half before dating. He actually helped me through my last break up. We both liked each other when I was dating my past-ex, but were strictly friends. We went really slow, but couldn’t deny that we both felt something really special. 6 months after the break up with my past-ex, he finally asked me to be his GF. I was so elated!
The whole relationship has been LDR, which is really hard for us both. He is in an entirely different country. But we would talk and Skype everyday, play games together, fall asleep together, watch movies. 6 months into being official, he came and surprised me for my birthday by staying for a week. It was amazing and perfect. Everything felt so right. I’ve never felt even close
to feeling this way about anyone else I’ve dated.
3 more months later, I go to see him for his birthday for two weeks and stay with his family. It was kind of awkward for me since I am quite introverted around people I do not know well, but they seemed to like me. Between my bf and I though, this trip was probably even better than the first. We got to travel around on day trips, cook, walk his dog, play wrestle, cuddle with
movies, etc, etc.
After that things continued on the same. Everything was good. 5 months later, he was going to come see me again, but this time his whole family was going to come, too, on a family vacation (since I live in a popular vacation destination). They would be here for two weeks, and I was going to stay with them for one of those weeks. I was a bit worried since I did not think we’d
get much alone time together just him and I, but was ultimately just glad I could see him at all so did not complain.
That’s exactly what happened though. We spent all day everyday out with his family at different theme parks. Believe me, it was still really fun and we got to be together, but at the same time I felt like we could not be as close or affectionate with each other as in the past because I did not want to make his family uncomfortable. At night, everyone would be really tired from the
day. He was always especially tired. We’d be lucky to just have a round of “intimate times” before he’d fall asleep. Then in the morning we’d quickly get ready then be out again all day.
Think there were only like 3 times when we had longer time alone. The first time, we grabbed a quick fast food lunch. The second, we went out for a short drive and his mom sent out a search party (his dad) for us because we were gone too long? (We were only gone maybe 1 – 1.5 hours and we’re both around 25 year old
adults…) And the third time was the last night I was there, we played mini golf and had a really nice dinner alone and walked around the waterfront.
Also it probably did not help that I was pretty anxious and possibly a bit moody being around his family for so long. It’s not that I did not like them, I do, but it stressed me out wondering what they thought of me and I wished it could have been more of him and I since we so rarely got to see each other. I was never rude to anyone, I tried to always be pleasant and went along with whatever they wanted to do, but it made me be a bit short with him sometimes when we were alone. 🙁
Anyways, cut to me leaving. It felt like we could not really say goodbye properly, because I was heading home right before they were going out for the day. Everything felt super rushed. We were both sad though.
This is where everything went wrong I suppose. After the whole trip was over and he was back home he starts saying he’s unsure if he still loves me. Says he feels that way because when I left he did not miss me that much, whereas I was really sad, so he doesn’t know what to think. I think he was feeling this way because of the reasons I listed above – we didn’t get a chance to really get as close as our past trips, barely got to say goodbye, and then he got to go spend another week afterwards in the happiest place on earth, while I was back at home feeling sad and missing him. His days were full of fun stuff to do, so it makes sense that I was probably missing him more in this case.
Ever since he said that though, it has not really been the same. I kept wanting to know where we stand. He wrote me an email saying he did not want to break up, he still wanted me, but was unsure where we were headed or how long it would take to get there. He said he thought about me all the time. Being together was so good, that he was impatient when we were apart. He didn’t want to lose me, so he was not going to. He said we would fix it and get through it together. That gave me so much hope, but I was terrified he was going to end up just breaking my heart down the line…
That was the end of Sept. Things appeared good, but a lot of times it seemed like a chore to get him to show affection. We were also barely “intimate” anymore, although I was still helping him when he was in the mood, he never seemed interested in making the time for mutual fun. Figured maybe is was mainly because we could not do things in person so it was frustrating him, but idk. All of this was really making me upset and feel insecure.
There was a flash of hope in the end of November when he got a great new job. We both thought this would be great for us since it meant being together was finally in sight. He was going to get a bump in salary so he could eventually afford (maybe in a
year) a place of his own. He told me he wanted me to live with him when that happened. I could eventually get a job there, too, and in the mean time I’d keep our little place nice, cook us meals, etc. I was so excited and he seemed to be as well. We’d look up houses together online just for fun and imagine what we would do in them.
He started the new job and really liked it. In mid Dec though, he started going out every weekend with all these new people from work and also old friends he reconnected with. He’d go out occasionally in the past, but this seemed out of character for him. (He seemed to be a big partier in college, but that was years ago and never since we met.) I was worried because most
times he would never let me know what was going on until it had already happened or was in progress, didn’t really know who he was with, and if something were to happen to him while drunk I had no idea if any of these people had his best interests in mind. Also, after awhile it seemed like he would rather go out all the time now than spend time with me which really hurt
and made me a bit clingy at the end. I didn’t care that he went out, just wanted to feel that we were okay and had time where we could do things, too.
The fourth week in January, he was barely around at all. That Monday we texted in the morning and everything seemed great actually, he was way more talkative on texts than normal. Then in the afternoon we chatted a tiny bit on Skype, then he disappeared saying nothing was wrong but he wanted to be alone that night. Okay. The next day I ask if anything is wrong and he says no he just didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Forget exactly what happened after, but he was not on Skype for the next few days. He went out drinking that Friday night without saying he was going anywhere. I texted him just to ask if we could talk. He said okay he’d be home in about an hour, but then said he was going to go back out with friends after that. I then asked if that meant we wouldn’t be able to talk after all and he said yes he’d make time. I don’t hear anything for awhile then the plans have suddenly changed and he ends up staying the night at a male friend’s house. Don’t hear anything again for awhile, but he
randomly says he was sorry and I deserved better.
BREAKUP
He gets home the next morning, we Skype early afternoon and he just immediately breaks up with me, saying he thinks it’s best if we don’t see each other anymore. Basically says he doesn’t love me like he used to/the “loving feeling” is gone, he wants to be selfish and not put any effort in, the distance seems to be a factor, too, but the feeling I got was that it’s mainly he thinks
I’m not the one for him, with no real reason why. (He used to say things like I was his dream girl.) He said I was still beautiful, sweet, lovely, etc. I feel devastated and cry and finally hang up. Later that evening I text him asking if we can talk. He finally agrees. I flip out a bit, ask him if he will change his mind. Basically I say anything I can think of to change his mind. Cry, beg, plead, remind him of what we had. Feel really desperate and pathetic, but don’t know what else to do. He stops me and
says no, I’m not going to change my mind. We both fall asleep on the phone.
Next day would have been our 19-month anniversary. We chat on Skype a bit. He doesn’t seem to talk much. Says I’m not accepting his decision. I ramble on, still in shock and can’t wrap my head around it all. He says he just sees me as a really good friend, but that is all. And that if we keep talking as much then nothing has really changed. “As much as it hurts, this is what I feel is for the best”. I ask why he made it seem like things were okay between us, why he was still asking me to live with him in the future, why he suggested we go on a romantic vacation, etc. (all very recently) if it was just lies. He said that was his way of “making it work”, carrying on as if everything was normal and
ignoring his doubts. He seems 100% sure he is not going to change him mind about us. He keeps saying he tried fixing things, but IMO he didn’t and now he’s just running away/giving up and being immature.
I ask if we could play a game together to get my mind off things. He sort of reluctantly agrees. It was okay, but felt like I did most of the talking/trying to keep the convo going. Told him I enjoyed playing with him and we should again sometime. He said okay. We talk a bit more. He answers questions but never really seems to ask anything about me. I also turned my webcam on since we had not seen each other in awhile, asking if I could see him. He says no because it’s not plugged in, don’t know if that was just an excuse. A few minutes later I was just sort of staring off into space, thinking about us. Started to cry a bit, tried my best to turn away from the cam and not let him hear – not sure if he realized or not. Little bit later he has to go spend time with his parents. We both just say bye.
After all this I kind of have a mini-breakdown and pretty much sob for the next 2-3 days. My mom convinces me to do NC for at least three days. I agree, but then found your website in the meantime and decide to do the 30 days. I am on day 20 right now, every day is a struggle. I’m always wondering what he is doing or if he’s thinking about us. At night it’s always dreams of him.
Have received two messages from him, but they were early on. The first was on Day 2, he said he was giving me space so if I did not want to talk to him just say so. This was confusing because I never said I wanted space. That’s the opposite of what I wanted. 🙁 The other message was on Day 4, he basically just asked if he could talk to me. When that was ignored, then he just said
“okay not to worry, hopefully talk to you soon :)”.
At the time I thought these were good signs, but as I said there has been total silence since then. At the beginning he was on Skype more frequently, now it is less and less. He seemed to still check WhatsApp at least once a day but I’ve since realized he’s probably just using it to talk to other people and not check up on me. I see him on Facebook, but he never says anything. There were a few pictures of him on there the night before Valentine’s out with people from work. He’s obviously having a great time w/o me. It just seems like he’s acting like a totally different person now. He’s just easily tossed everything we had aside after 3 years of always being there for him.
Is he lying about the real reason for the breakup? I don’t get how he can just all of a sudden be so 100% sure now that he wants nothing to do with our relationship. He was even the one to bring all the major “firsts” up (first to say he loved me, first to say he thought of us getting married/having children, first to talk about living together). When we were together everything was so good. Our foundation for everything was that we are best friends. We never fought, just talked through it all rationally. We are compatible in so many ways. Sexually, interests, religion, politics, money, traveling, the list goes on. And the ways where we are different compliment each other instead of clashing. I want to say the distance must be the real reason he broke things off because that’s the only complaint either of us ever had, but when I brought up how we were closer now than ever before to actually living together he just brushed it off completely.
In spite of all this, I still see myself having a family with this man, even though I’ve always been unsure of children. I love him unconditionally and was a great GF to him, we were a team through everything. Everyday I felt so lucky to have him in my life. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, he always felt like “the one” even before we were officially dating. There was always just something that drew me to him. We instantly clicked. If you believe astrology even a bit, look up the compatibility of an Aries and Sag relationship and that describes us completely.
What are the chances do you think he’d change his mind? Sure there is always a tiny chance, but do you think there is a pretty good chance in this case? It just seems like by doing NC I’m just giving him exactly what he wanted (to not talk as much and not be in a relationship anymore) so it’s not bothering him and we’re just growing further apart. I realize the world will obviously
continue on, but it feels like half my heart is missing. It still feels like we are meant to be together. 🙁
Sorry this is so long. Thank you for reading and any insight you can give.
admin
February 16, 2014 at 6:24 pm
Hey, at least you made it 20 days that is very admirable.
You can change his mind but obviously it won’t be easy.
Tell me what was his reason for the breakup?
Lynn
February 16, 2014 at 8:27 pm
Thanks for the reply, Chris.
Not sure if you read the whole story, but after our last trip in Aug to see each other he started saying he was unsure about things. But he made it seem as though it was mainly because of the distance and not because of something wrong with us.
In Sept, I asked if he wanted to end things because he seemed distant in terms of showing affection and I was scared he was going to just end up hurting me down the line… He wrote an email saying no he did not want to break up, did not want to lose me so he was not going to. He said we would fix things and get through it together.
Now it was January and all of sudden he just wants to give up and it’s best if we don’t see each other anymore. Basically his reason was he got too comfortable? He wants to be selfish and not put in any effort. The “loving feeling” is gone and just sees me as a friend.
The distance seems to be a factor, too, but the feeling I got was that it’s mainly he thinks I’m not the one for him, with no real reason why. Things were always so good between us, he used to say things like I was his dream girl and he’s never met another girl he was so compatible with.
Why is he just suddenly giving up and not trying to fix things after everything we’ve been through? It’s like he’s a totally different person in the last month. Even when breaking up on the phone he just seemed so cold and 100% sure he’s not going to change his mind about things.
Do you think there could be someone else? 🙁
admin
February 17, 2014 at 7:36 pm
Its not impossible but obviously you would be in a position to know more than I would.
Jessica
February 15, 2014 at 2:40 pm
Hi I have a question if my ex is regretting me. On Valentines day I wore a tight red dress that I was supposed to ware on our year anniversary. So I am doing the no contact rule but his friends are my friends and I don’t want to seam like I droped our friendship because of my ex. Anyway I hung out with them during passing yesterday and I just ignored my ex who was ranting his favorite teacher is getting fired (no one cared they actually are pissed at him for what he did to me). I saw my good friend Ryan had new beats head phones and I asked to see him. I believe my body looked flirty because my ex got po and stormed to class. I then go to my next hour class as an office aide. And guess where I have to deliver my pass? Yep same building my ex is in. Anyway I got a drink of water from the water fountain and when I looked up I saw my ex was starring at me from a far. He was talking on the phone to his dad saying he has to stay after school for Valentines day to make up a test. I had to walk passed him and he kept starring at my hour glass figure. And I just kept walking with a smile on my face until I realized he looked depressed and kindly asked you okay? He quietly said yea and watched me walk away. Then later that night he unfriended me from Facebook. I am so sorry this is long but I am so confused does he still care for me or am I just wasting my time? I have already been asked out by a lot of guys some even asked me out in front of my ex and if there is no chance he likes me I feel like I should just move on.
admin
February 15, 2014 at 6:38 pm
I think your time is very valuable and you should move on if you feel there is no hope with your ex. But if you feel there is then you should go for it.
Jessica
February 16, 2014 at 8:21 am
I want to believe there is hope because our relationship was actually really good (no big fights) but after reading your old post I realized what went wrong for our relationship. It got boring (it was repetitive:hangout at his house and watch movies) and I didn’t give him as much compliments ten months in our relationship(only handsome). Anyway I know how to fix the relationship if we got back together (if we start over) but is he showing any signs of regret/wanting me back?
Kanne
February 15, 2014 at 4:34 am
I do want him back. I’m just trying to read him. I am just frustrated with men and the whole process. But something draws me back to my ex. We talked a little tonight and he made a (pardon me here) but a sexual reference btw us and I said it’s not gonna happen since you don’t want to try again and neither do I. He responded with ” ok then lol”. I said that he was clear that his didn’t want to and I respect that. He responded with “I never said I didn’t want to. ” I mentioned I had asked a while ago and hesitate to ask again. He told me to not ask and just go with the flow and see what happens.
How loosely do guys typically say that? This is not the first time he has said that ( about seeing what happens- yet it’s been six months or more).
admin
February 15, 2014 at 6:13 pm
Usually not very loosely.
vday sucks
February 14, 2014 at 8:09 pm
hi, chris.
i just started reading a bunch of your posts yesterday. my ex just broke up with me on wednesday, after feeling it falling apart and his distance. his reasoning this time (we’ve had teeny breakups before) was that “we don’t listen to each other”.
i acted cool and calm, and like i agreed. i said some desperate things (i.e., i’ll never give up on you, is this going to be forever?, will i get to see you on valentine’s day?, etc.), but i didn’t cry or anything.
during the holidays, he bought a pair of tickets to go watch book of mormon (my favorite musical). the tickets are for tomorrow.
when he broke up with me, i asked him about the tickets and he said he’d go with me cuz he doesn’t know who else would want to watch it and that they were a gift for me.
well, he hasn’t contacted me ever since wednesday. obviously i’d want to do NC, but i reeeeally want to see the musical and he KNOWS how much i love book of mormon!!
please help me asap. i don’t know whether or not to bring it up. after this weekend, i am for sure going to do NC, but i just want my fucking tickets :{
admin
February 15, 2014 at 1:42 am
Hahaha “V-Day Sucks”
Awww you poor thing.
I think you should go see the musical.
Jane
February 13, 2014 at 1:25 pm
Hi Chris.
I wouldn’t usually do something like this, but you genuinely seem like you actually know what you’re talking about. I need your advise. I promise to follow the NC steps if you would kindly let me know how I’m supposed to move on when I work in the same place as my recently ex boyfriend. He finished with me 2 weeks ago after a year and a half together. We lived together for the majority of that time.. I have since moved out and got an amazing place of my own. I’m 20. So this is quite a big deal. He’s 28. His reasons for breaking up with me were that the age gap became apparent and he felt he was looking after me too much. I accept it. Yet now I’ve moved on and going ahead with NC (which is absolutely no fun by the way but I know it’s the right thing) he’s acting mad at me for doing it. He wanted to be friends. What is it with guys that thing they can be your friend? I don’t get that at all. Basically my huge issue is, where I sit at work, I can hear him, I can see him, he’s literally just right at the top of the stairs next to me. I drives me CRAZY. I love him, I was happy with him, I didn’t see it coming, and now I’m being forced to start a whole new life without him. Maybe it’s a good thing. But I know that right now I am determined to get him chasing me again. He still looks and tries to talk to me whenever we bump into each other at work, how can I make this 30 day (I’m doing 60) NC possible without looking like a right idiot in front of everyone at work? HELP 🙁
admin
February 14, 2014 at 3:18 am
I love it when ppl like you comment. You know, ppl who NEVER comment haha.
Question.
Why do you want to do 60 days?
Jane
February 14, 2014 at 9:10 am
Haha like literally, NEVER comment.
I don’t know.. if 30’s enough then 30’s enough. Do you think it’s enough?
Why the hell is it Valentines Day today 🙁 I had flowers arriving at reception for me this time last year. ARGH. 🙁
If this doesn’t work Chris I’ll go mad!! I do trust you though. Can I just say, his names Chris too… Uh ohhh.
admin
February 14, 2014 at 6:51 pm
Haha yup those are my favorites!!!
I think 30 is enough BUT its up to you obviously.
I can’t guarantee it will work but I can guarantee it will raise your chances drastically. I will be here if you need anything.
Jane
February 15, 2014 at 8:19 am
Chris, thank you. Currently I imagine this to feel like I’m coming off drugs, SO hard. I’ll do it though with your support & keep you posted. Thank you again..
Jane
February 20, 2014 at 9:30 am
Hi Chrissy,
I have a theory I want to ask you about. As you probably already guessed, NC was broken when my ex keeps trying to talk to me at work. He’s now at the stage where is saying it’s not a yes, and it’s not a no. He “just needs time to think.” I agreed to give him that time, while being civil and friendly to each other. I text him yesterday saying “I miss you.” No reply. Yet he still approached me at work and started making small talk with me. So that’s where I’m at. I’m currently doing NC again since my last message was ignored; if he wants the time he can have the time. NOT FOREVER THOUGH.
Anyway, my theory I want to team up with you about is; do you think NC has more of an impact if you end things on good friendly terms and slowly start to distance yourself from his life, as opposed to having the biggest argument you’ve ever had and cutting off all contact after that? If he’s in a ‘friendly’ state of mind, thinking he’s not 100% sure about his decision anymore, surely if you slowly disappear and stop contacting him there’s more of a chance he’d be less stubborn and contact you during NC? I think in this case, 15 days is my new aim… I think that’s long enough to know if he wants his life with me or not. I’m sick of the literal aching chest 🙁
Hope you’re okay Chris.
admin
February 20, 2014 at 7:51 pm
Chrissy….
Don’t call me that please haha.
I actually love that idea. I think you are absolutely right.
Jane
February 27, 2014 at 3:18 pm
Hey!
It’s my 21st today and I came in to a card and present on my desk… What are YOU sayin’?
admin
February 27, 2014 at 7:08 pm
Haha that actaully seems really nice.
Jane
March 20, 2014 at 10:03 am
The world has been put to rights again Chris; we’re back together!!!
Thank you!!!
admin
March 20, 2014 at 5:44 pm
So glad to hear this!!!!
Kanne
February 13, 2014 at 5:37 am
Chris, so my ex and I didn’t talk for two weeks bc he was on vacay. I messaged him Monday and cut the convo short after a few min of texting. I messaged him again today and we talked. He finally admitted he was the reason for our break up. Phew!! I was telling him that I am done with dating that emotionally I can’t take the heartache anymore. I am done with hoping for a relationship and resign myself to being alone. We talked and I said he should know how it is since he is anti relationship as well. He said he hasn’t found everything he wants. I responded with ” ouch!” He said nothing against you but I just done know what I want. I told him he needs to be flexible. I mentioned had I not been I would not have dated him or others. I told him the good that I took away from each relationship and things in each that I wanted in someone. He responded with ” you are ao sweet”. I said I know and suggested he be more emotionally available and open. He agreed. I suggested we meet up one night this weekend and he said he is going out if town. He said we will meet up when he is free.
What do you make of what I just said. Should I give up on him or what?
admin
February 14, 2014 at 3:05 am
Do you want him back? Do you see a happy future with him? You just said it was stressful on you.
Kanne
February 14, 2014 at 3:47 am
I do want him back. I’m just trying to read him. I am just frustrated with men and the whole process. But something draws me back to my ex. We talked a little tonight and he made a (pardon me here) but a sexual reference btw us and I said it’s not gonna happen since you don’t want to try again and neither do I. He responded with ” ok then lol”. I said that he was clear that his didn’t want to and I respect that. He responded with “I never said I didn’t want to. ” I mentioned I had asked a while ago and hesitate to ask again. He told me to not ask and just go with the flow and see what happens.
How loosely do guys typically say that? This is not the first time he has said that ( about seeing what happens- yet it’s been six months or more).
Rachel
February 12, 2014 at 4:07 pm
So I did Nc on and off until I got txt saying ‘if you are doing Nc please let me know so I don’t look like an idiot’ so I did break and said it was healthy space. He said he understood and I told him it would be at least for a friendship and I truly meant it. I said I was using this time for me and he came across like he understood.
Roll on a week I get a snap chat I ignore, then I get a txt asking I’m ok. Which I ignore. The following morning he sends me a txt saying if this is how it’s going to be he promised he would not contact me again… And deleted me off facebook! WTF?
So I called him and left him a message satin that I thought he understood, that it was time for me/us to get over this. And all he ever wants to do is communicate through txt. I said well te balls in your court again now. He then said that no being friends on facebook wasn’t the end of the world.
I get his angry, male ego etc. I have been putting positive images and messages etc. and using like a tool like you recommend.
I’m going back into NC again as I was feeling totally cool and happy but what is his problem Chris please help :))
Nik
February 12, 2014 at 2:25 am
What a great article! Your site has saved me from spinning into just complete sadness and has been so helpful and motivating!!! Definetly giving me hope and making my heart ache more bearable. Obviously Im hoping he will contact me first though!!!
admin
February 12, 2014 at 7:38 pm
I have a pretty good article coming up this week. Keep an eye out for it.
Nik
February 12, 2014 at 9:58 pm
Looking forward to it!!
Naina
February 11, 2014 at 5:22 pm
Hey Chris,
So I finally ran into my ex at a party that he wasn’t planning on attending initially. At the party, he brought a bunch of his friends and friends of friends and basically ignored me the whole time. He could have easily stayed with his friends at their frat house, but decided to come to the party I was at, with all this friends (by the way I didn’t even know he had this many friends). I wasn’t trying to pressure him into talking to me, but I wasn’t ignoring him either. I acknowledged him like how I would to any acquaintance, and he would briefly mumble a “Hi” and then pretend he’s having so much fun with his friends and whatnot. He went to the extent of complimenting another girl when I was standing right next to him, so I just kind of walked away from the room so that I don’t have to deal with listening to it. So I backed off and moved to a different room so that it’s eases the tension between us. He comes to the same room as I but once again doesn’t talk to me and just is being loud and obnoxious with his friends. His best friend acknowledged me though to my surprise, since I thought his friends hated me, and so I caught up with his friend for a bit. But my ex interrupted us and wanted his friend to come drink with him some more. What is going on? Why is he being so strange? Have you ever been guilty of treating a girl similarly to this, and what was going through your mind when you did so?
Naina
February 11, 2014 at 5:32 pm
Also, how can I handle the situation just to make things less awkward between us? I am getting a bit fed up with how he is handling things, and I want to just be able to be in the same room as him without it being super weird.
Sara-belle
February 11, 2014 at 1:13 pm
Like Elle I was in a long distance relationship. But was planning to move back. He stopped communicating with me a while, I called him on it and he asked for us to take a break. When we were meant to talk again he seemed to be ignoring me again. I lost my cool and broke up with him. I felt like he’d already said we were breaking up anyway. I’d really like to talk to him to clear everything up. I have unknowingly been doing your no contact rule. Does it work the same way if I was the one who said it was over? And does it have to be 30 days?
admin
February 11, 2014 at 6:07 pm
Yes it should work the same way.
Elle
February 10, 2014 at 3:48 pm
Chris,
I wrote you about 3 months ago regarding my relationship of a year. In November of last year my boyfriend spontaneously broke up with me following a move. The majority of our relationship was long distance prior and I made the decision to move to be with him. After that move, he broke up with me (literally 4 days later). After going through hell and anguish I relied heavily on your methods and practiced your number one rule of No Contact. It worked and in early December he came back to me. We spent the holidays together traveling and we were happy and grateful to have each other back. From the start of our reconciliation he apologized blaming his lack of experience in relationships (I was his first serious and longest relationship and he’s in his late twenties). He was the first to pick up the “I love you’s” and I felt extremely loved by him and it was like the beginning all over again. Though I was blissful, I asked him if we could inject more security into our second go of our relationship, which he happily agreed claiming that he’d never hurt me like he previously had, and I gratefully trusted that.
A side note: Throughout our reconciliation, his friends began giving me a very hard time blending into their circle. They would say hurtful things to me or ignore my presence in a very immature way. I do not like confrontation so I remained calm and kept trying to be friendly which they shot down every time. My boyfriend mentioned it to them once in hopes of fixing the tension, however it did not work and my boyfriend lessened his time with them to my dissatisfaction- though he promised he didn’t mind. It was a problem, and it bothered me that he was forced to choose between me and his childish friends.
After going out the other night with his friends, we got into an argument. We don’t yell or throw things but this was a big fight for us. The end result was a break up (his choice) and tears on my end. Though I know it’s vital to keep composure for the sake of dignity, I can admit that I was extremely upset and disturbed by his commentary. As it stands, I’m struggling with the fact that a man who claims to still love me can walk away so easily stating that he placed very little value on our relationship towards the end. I’m wrangling with the thoughts that I had it all wrong from the time of our reconciliation and I now feel very foolish to have allowed him to do this to me a second time. I don’t believe in bailing on my relationships and especially on love but when is enough, enough?
My question through all of this (my apologies for the novel) is, how do you know when to simply stop and give up hope? As a women it’s very hard to let go of love especially when you still feel it but how do you get someone back or make them regret the breakup when he himself seems very conflicted and indifferent…? Do I allow him to grow up? Do I push it in hopes that he finds the lesson? Or do I let it go and move on as difficult as it will be? Currently, I am back to No Contact and though it’s early I feel the weight and the urge to reach out already. In my eyes, you don’t break up with someone you still claim to love just because you’re mad. There was no betrayal, I did not premeditate a way to hurt him or anger him, it was simply an argument that I don’t feel was enough for him to leave me over. I’ve done a lot for our relationship and I’m willing to continue to do so, but I can only do so much and take it so far. Then comes him.
Any help and guidance is greatly appreciated as I am very conflicted and confused by all of this. For the second time, he has broken my heart.
Thank you for listening,
Elle
admin
February 10, 2014 at 6:59 pm
I remember you!!!!!!
It’s your name that jogged my memory mostly.
So, he basically didn’t cool down and try to communicate with you?
Elle
February 10, 2014 at 7:08 pm
Chris,
Thank you for remembering me!!! It’s really awesome to have your support, I value your methods so much!!
After our argument the other day, he literally shut down. I couldn’t really get him to talk to me and I struggled with getting him to communicate.
The thing is, this particular break up surprises me. He moves every 6 months for work and we were in the process of discussing OUR next move. I could understand if that is overwhelming, moving is stressful, but we’ve done it before and it was fine. To go from zero to sixty then back to zero in the snap of a finger is tough to comprehend. Those last few days made me feel like he could care less if I was even in the room…and that’s a sad feeling when you love someone so much. When it comes to making him regret breaking up with me (again) how do I make that happen when his behavior makes it seem like he just doesn’t care?
Does he care?
Can I make him care more?
…and for the love (literally), how do you tell the difference between indifference, confusion, and immaturity…?
admin
February 11, 2014 at 12:45 am
Hmm… the moving thing can defiintely cause some strain.
Were you ever telling him that you just wanted to stay put or were you fine with moving with him?
Elle
February 11, 2014 at 1:10 pm
It was a hope of mine to move with him. I wanted to and was subtly planning to do so. However he mentioned a few weeks ago that he thought I wasn’t best for me (for both career and personal reasons) which I agreedto because it isn’t easy moving every 6mths but I was overly happy to do it because I love him and I didn’t want to be apart… I guess that stuck with him and he silently made the decision that it wasn’t right for me to move with him this time. During our breakup over the weekend he made the comment that he figured we’d be done when he left to go back up north in 2 months, but he said life was too short to waste time prolonging the inevitable, which was extremely hard for me to hear because he had been dragging his feet on discussing the move with me for months.
Do you think that the move holds a lot of weight on his choice to break up with me? And if so, how do I repair that? Can I repair that?
Another quick question: Today is his birthday, and I am currently on day 3 of no contact. Should I break it and reach out to him out of respect? Or would it send a larger message and make him regret the break up more if I stay quiet?
Please let me know what your thoughts are, I am very grateful for your advice and guidance.
Elle
Elle
February 10, 2014 at 7:26 pm
OH!
Additional info:
He’s moving for work again in about 2 months (hence the discussion about OUR move…) These moves are usually from the south where I live (FL) to the northeast (PA and MA) usually. So it’s not remotely close, we’re talking states away.
Would you say that I’m in a bit of a time crunch to get him back?
Thanks again!
Pam
February 10, 2014 at 4:02 am
So, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me over a week ago. We live together and we both cannot afford to move out. Our lease ends the end of March. Since day 2 I have been trying my hardest to implement the no contact rule, but living together makes it hard. He is in the living room and I in the bedroom. He had spoke to me a few times (him making the first talk) all times have been about little things like about brothers life and feeding the pet. How am I able to get him to regret breaking up with me while we live together?
lisa kelley
February 9, 2014 at 11:03 pm
Chris,
I lived with my ex boyfriend for 5 months. He has cheated on me 6 weeks ago and this weekend. The other woman has money and I do not., I am moving soon and do not really want to do that. We both have young kids that live with us and he stole my heart. I knew him and his wife 16 years. I gave up my life and career to come here and I lost myself in him., I became clingy and needy and quite sad actually. I smothered him and nagged and now I am losing a good man. I did not help like I know he wanted financially but it is hard to find real work here. I have gotten a great marketing job, lost weight, dress sexy, smile, and try to not contact him Pray I get his attention. He is thinking this woman is going to help start his company., She is 15 years older than him. I do not want to lose him he says he still loves me and sees the changes but he cannot build a future with me because he has no patience anymore and he is laid back and I am high strung. Please I waited 16 years for him. HELP ME! I started back with activities I did before. He says he knows what he is right but he cannot build on love and sex alone. Help
admin
February 10, 2014 at 5:51 am
16 years????? That is a long time to wait.
I think you are doing the right thing. Get back to being that woman he fell in love with.
Elayna
February 7, 2014 at 4:17 am
Hey Chris,
My boyfriend broke up with me because he said I was selfish. I said okay and didn’t speak to him for a few days because I didn’t know what to say. A few days later when we spoke I cried and begged him to give us another chance. He said no because I was selfish. I called him again the next day and he finally admitted he had fallen out of love with me. I flipped out called him a liar, a jackass, and told him fuck you I’m over you you. I started the NC rule today. Do I still have a chance or have I ruined it?
Max
February 6, 2014 at 8:27 pm
My ex is in a very involved new relationship with a girl for the last 4 months. The hang together almost daily. He said its long term and she thinks he’s amazing and won’t leave him. Our relationship lasted over 5 years. We haven’t spoken in 2 months. All of us are in our late 50s.
What if he won’t respond to my initial text message? I tried texting him right before NC about 2 1-2 months ago and he barely responded back. When he did, it was all negative and nasty. Told me we would never be a couple ever again. Very mean. I am a sweet low key woman. I do believe he has emotional/immaturity issues.
Again what do I do if he doesn’t respond to initial text message?
Does it sound like this man is capable of feeling regret about letting our very long relationship go?
Thanks for your input.
Maxie.
admin
February 7, 2014 at 6:28 pm
Can I ask you something?
What is your ultimate goal when it comes to relationships? Are you looking for marriage?
Cecilia
February 6, 2014 at 11:46 am
Hey Chris. so my boyfriend whom I dated over a year broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. It was a really bad breakup as we had just gotten back together and seemed to be inlove again. He complained that I always nagged and was needy. I think in my defence he had no right to because he had done stuff that really pissed me off and he wasn’t spending as much time with me as I wanted him to. He’d said it was because he really felt despondent about his career, we couldn’t be spending too much time together as he was really trying to make sometbing of himself. I’m not insensitive so I understood where he was coming from but he used this as an excuse to continually do whatever he felt lile,esp not spend time with me.
so anyway to cut a long story short I implemented NC and got a job,a new haircut and started goi g to the gym but found out after Day9 that I was pregnant. I decided to call him on Day10 and tell him this. I was really civil and limited the convo to the baby but he insisted on being all aggro and talking about how he’s tryna find himself and what he wants in life. I thought this was really unnecessary so I gave him all the info abt the breakup and hung up. 2 days later I asked himin a text about his medical history as this would be NB for the next app with the OB/GYN he replied and said the baby is the last thing that would get us bk together. the breakup seems to be hitting him rly hard now coz I dont know why else he would try to slip it in our texts to each other, well based on what I know abt him he seems to be in shock as to why I hvnt bn contacting him or talking abt our breakup like he expects me to (or how I previously did the past 2 tyms we broke up). So I ignored him for about 3 days and he called me wanting to talk about the baby, I kept the convo strictly ltd to that then hung up after 2mins. tiz been 2 days since then. I don’t really know what to do ryt now shud I carry on with NC, and how considering I’m pregnant? What should my texts to him from now on be like?
admin
February 6, 2014 at 6:21 pm
I think you need to tell him. If you are pregnant break NC and tell him.
Anonymous Gal
February 5, 2014 at 1:39 am
My ex also happens to coach me on the side. This consists of a minimum of two texts per week! how can i do the no contact rule with him also being my coach?!? I should add that we were really good friends before we dated. I’m think maybe i can do a variable of this. For example,only talk to him about my workouts and while I’m friendly communicate that I have moved on by not being chatty with him at all? I just can’t really ignore him bc he’s doing me a favor!
admin
February 5, 2014 at 6:48 pm
How does he coach you?
dan
February 4, 2014 at 10:09 pm
Im still following the NC,its been 21 days since our last convo and he left to Uk for masters degree for 1 year, is there any chance to get back? Wont he talk to me again? W had a strong relationship for almost 3 years, he was really good to me all the time..
dan
February 4, 2014 at 10:13 pm
Although we broke up cuz hes leaving to UK
Amelia
February 4, 2014 at 9:09 pm
Hi Chris!
I love the info on your website. I will try to keep this brief :S My boyfriend of 4 years dumped me 2 weeks ago. I was away for 5 weeks over the holidays, when I got back he told me he realized he’s no longer in love (things were very good before I left, he was very affectionate and expressed his love every day, our sex life could have done with a boost though, and he was overwhelmed with work while I was unemployed). I couldn’t understand it but started to move out (and out of the country) then I found a receipt and he told me the truth – he very drunkenly slept with a girl after a party, felt horrible and ashamed but it happened another few times before I returned. He said he omitted these details so as not to hurt me, he finished things with her before I returned as he has no feelings for her. But he is very adamant that it made him realize he no longer loves me and he doesn’t want to give me false hope of anything ever happening between us again. He says I am the best person he has ever met but he is not in love anymore – and things are amical between us. He cried a lot during our breakup. I am hurt, very upset and I still love him and want him back. I have applied to go to grad school in my new country and am working out/working on being happy. Yesterday I told him by email I wouldn’t be contacting him for a few weeks (to do NC). I have to see him in a month to pick up some stuff and will be staying with him for 4 days. Did I make a mistake announcing the NC? Do you think I stand a chance despite the whole 2 countries thing? Thanks!
admin
February 5, 2014 at 6:37 pm
Yes… BUT it will be very very hard.
How old are the two of you?
Amelia
February 5, 2014 at 8:44 pm
I’m 29 and he’s 32. I asked him (before I knew about the cheating) if at some point he had seen himself spending the rest of his life with me and having kids – he said yes and was crying :S