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1,052 thoughts on “He Cheated On You And You Want Him Back… What Do You Do?”

  1. C

    January 25, 2014 at 4:15 pm

    My ex and I have known each other for 9 years. During 6 of those years, it was a constant chase from both our ends. One moment, I was the one crazy about him, then it would turn around and he would be the one chasing me. Finally, we started dating. After two years of being together, we decided to move in together. I was so happy for us to move in, and came home after work excited to tell him about my day. I was the happiest I had ever been!
    This winter, I went home to France to be with my family for Christmas, and everything was going well. We would Skype everyday, talk about what was going on on our sides of the world, have a bunch of “I love you” and “I miss you”. Then, as the days progressed, I started having family issues, and needed to talk to him. On NYE, I talked to him, and he would barely respond and said “I don’t have anything to say today.” Being a bit upset about this, I just responded saying that he can just talk to me when he does have something to say. The next day, I received a message saying “we need to talk.” and he would not respond. I overreacted, then did not hear back from him for a week.
    When I got back to the US and to our apartment (after 12 hours of traveling), he announced that he had been unhappy for months now, and that he wanted to end this. His reasons were that I was too messy (guilty) and that I was not always the nicest to him (to which he never EVER expressed until that day). That breakup came completely out of nowhere, so I thought that if I showed I could turn things around, he would reconsider. The next day, I cleaned our apartment spotless, and I found a girl’s shirt that was not mine. It turned out that after I had overreacted, he brought some girl into our apartment and cheated on me. When I found out, I was completely crushed. I’ve know him for 9 years, and in all those years he had never done anything like this to me or any other girlfriend he’s had. In fact, he was always the one to be cheated on and I was the first relationship he had where he did not get cheated on. In my mind, I felt completely betrayed (obviously) and could not understand how our relationship went from 3 years of happiness, talking about marriage and family, and even picking out baby names to him completely rejecting me like this. A week after breaking up, he told me he was going to go see friends in the city for a week. We were somewhat on good terms at that point, and he even expressed worry about leaving me alone. I told him it was fine, and to go be with his friends and clear his head. For the entire week, I did not hear from him, which was fine. This week, I found out that he actually went to see that girl he cheated on me with. ONE WEEK after breaking up? All the progress I had made to take care of myself in the three weeks of breaking up felt like they were for nothing, and I went back to day 1 of feeling heartbroken.
    Today, he is supposed to get his stuff from our apartment and move out. After coming across this website, I decided to follow the NC rule and just see how it plays out. I am not sure if it will work, but who knows?
    For me, I want to get him back despite cheating because in all the years I’ve known him, he has always been a great guy. I never took it for granted, and he did not either. To me, I see it more as why should I throw away all hope for this one slip-up when we’ve had such a great time in the 3 years together? I do not know if it is a good enough reason, or if it considered to be legitimate enough to try to get him back… Any insight would be great.

  2. Mich

    January 24, 2014 at 10:44 pm

    Im constantly angry at my ex and i let it rip whenever I talk to him or text him. we have a child together, who he hasnt seen for 6 months because he refuses to. Ok how do i get him back and this time get him to commit. Yes he has cheated but i Love him and want him back… help please.

    1. admin

      January 27, 2014 at 6:39 pm

      How many times has he cheated on you?

  3. Rhiannon

    January 22, 2014 at 8:58 am

    Hi,
    My boyfriend and I we’re together for just over a year, happy and everything was perfect. He went travelling, which was I was always aware may happen although I hoped he would have changed his mind. Anyway, he went – planned for a year. We decided to enter a LDR. We rowed a lot as the situation was harder than I thought. First he said he would come home sooner as he missed me but after am argument he said he was staying for the year and possibly didn’t ever want to come back. 2 weeks ago he called me and told me he had cheated. I said its over and that was the last I heard. It’s been 12 days no contact. Not sure where to go from here…

    1. admin

      January 22, 2014 at 6:07 pm

      Ok, let me ask you this. If he cheated on you why do you want him back?

    2. Ufosenna

      February 14, 2014 at 9:34 pm

      I don’t know if you can call it cheating, but it pretty much was.
      He told me he needs a break to study but then I found out he was with another girl for two months after the break. But that two months relationship was just on facebook. They never met or anything. But he used to call her just the way he used to call me at the beginning of our relationship.
      It hurts to know.
      Now he is begging me and he has assumed that soon he is gonna ask me out and I will accept his proposal.

      I need advice.

    3. admin

      February 15, 2014 at 1:45 am

      What specifically do you want advice with though?

    4. Rhiannon

      January 22, 2014 at 10:34 pm

      He said he didn’t cheat, because we had rowed a lot and hadn’t spoken much it doesn’t count as cheating. I’m not sure I agree with that as in my eyes it was wrong. I’m not sure if I want him back, I wanted him to be sorry and regret it, initially he was extremly sorry – for a day.. but I haven’t heard anything since then. Do you have any advice for me?

    5. Rhiannon

      January 22, 2014 at 10:39 pm

      Can I just add that before he left we had the most perfect relationship. Seemed too good to be true. We planned a life together for when he returns & I agreed to wait. Now I don’t know what to do as I never expected this from him – not in a million years

  4. Facebook cheater

    January 19, 2014 at 4:51 am

    I am hearing a lot about infidelity on Facebook breaking up relationships and marriages. My bf left me for someone that he met in person during his travels for work then carried on emotional relationship for 2 months on Facebook ! Ugh I found all this out after the breakup.. He claims it wasn’t cheating and he didn’t cheat! ! Of course he is a lying dog! What are your thoughts on this?

    Do these type of relationships last?,,,,

    1. admin

      January 20, 2014 at 12:44 am

      Be more specific?

      Did he ever meet with the girl before?

    2. Timer is going off !! And ringing loudly!!

      January 21, 2014 at 9:49 pm

      He met her at a concert after party then became FB cheaters ..er I mean FB “friends” after that.. I had no idea she existed until he broke up with me 2 months later for her..

  5. Amal

    January 13, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    Hi Chris,
    Here is my story , my ex & i were in long distance relationship for 2 yrs from May 2011 – Nov 2013, we met online , i live in Abu Dhabi & he lives in Antwerp , he came to visit me 3times during our relationship , first time was on oct 2011 , 2nd time was on feb 2012 & 3rd time was on Feb 2013 , i found out on nov 5th that he lied & cheated on me with a girl in macao , it seems they met on May 2013 when she was on a trip to europe , it was a 1 night stand , they kept talking online , became friends & he fell in love with her it seems , his ex before me was the one who contacted me & the new gf about it , neither of us knew about eachother , he told his new gf that he broke up with me on sep 2013 which was not true obviously & she was very hurt, we skyped & talked on the night of my breakup , she was crying & was very upset that he lied to her & cheated on her with me durin their relationship, i was shocked , devastated & hurt , i couldn’t believe what was goin on but after 2 days of the breakup i decided to forget everything & just be friends , i seduced him once , it worked but he felt bad about it since he cares for his new gf & didn’t want 2 use or lie 2 me anymore , thought it was only an attraction & 2 open his eyes that he loves me not her , we agreed to be friends , after his trip 2 hongkong on oct 2013 (when he cheated on me & lied) he went on another trip on Dec 2013 to macao 2 see her again & then both we’re off 2 malaysia 2 spend christmas , his bday & new year’s there , i started the NC several times on /off , it never passed 10 days though , he told me he still wanted to be part of my life so i believed him , we were just catching up whenever there was time after he came back ,till this friday he re added me on fb but deleted me the next day cuz his new gf didn’t like it AT ALL , last time we talked was yesterday , we were talking for hours about alot of stuff & things were goin great friendship wise , i got a text this morning wishin me luck on my first day of the new job & i was so happy that the first thing when he woke up , he texted me but then when i got back from work i got a long email from him sayin that he had a talk with his new gf & she didn’t like us bein friends at all & she wants me out of his life & since he loves her so much & wants to build a future with her , he decided to grant her request so he deleted me from skype , i’m upset , hurt , shocked , it’s like the breakup happening all over again , i don’t have him in fb either , the only way of contact left is texting or emailing him , after i read his email , the first thing i did was write everything here , i still didn’t reply 2 his text or his email , i’m really scared chris & i don’t know what to do , i love him so much & i don’t want to give him up , i know u think i’m crazy but i know he’s the one for me , everything we’ve been though any other guy would have left ages ago but he was there till the end , please be honest with me , is there a way to get him back ? his relationship with his new gf is also a long distance as well , i’m willing to do anything you say & stick to it if there is hope.

    p.s i know it’s a long mail & thx alot 4 takin the time 2 read it , appreciate all the help & advises u’re giving 2 all of us desperate women out there.

    1. admin

      January 13, 2014 at 6:28 pm

      Love is crazy… no one can blame you.

      Are you in NC?

    2. Amal

      January 13, 2014 at 6:40 pm

      i’ll start i guess , what do u advise me ? & do u think that i have a chance honestly ? can i get him back chris ?

      Thx 4 replyin

    3. Amal

      February 1, 2014 at 8:52 am

      I’m guessin since i didn’t get any reply means , i should give up & move on ????

    4. admin

      February 1, 2014 at 6:43 pm

      No it means I am incredibly busy and you accidentally fell through the cracks haha.

    5. Amal

      February 2, 2014 at 8:53 am

      lool , then give me a hint of hope , something to do , anything ?? i’ve been on nc since jan13 till today , i didn’t send or receive anything at all….

    6. Amal

      March 3, 2014 at 5:11 am

      Hi Chris,
      Was wondering if you got my messages still regarding my ex’s email.
      Please let me know

      Thanks alot

    7. admin

      March 3, 2014 at 6:33 pm

      I am going to say no I didnt.. 🙁

    8. Amal

      March 6, 2014 at 12:41 am

      OK in that case i’ll write it again here.
      Well I got your book & i finished my 45 days of NC & i kept myself busy as you advised & it really helped me alot.
      On Feb 24th 2014 my ex sent me an email saying :

      Hey Amal,
      I know it’s been a while and I promised myself not to bother you,
      but it’s been too long, and I must say I missed hearing from you…

      Just wanted to know how things are going for you;
      the new job, the new place you’re living @, ….

      If you ever find the time,
      let me know 🙂

      xxx

      I was really surprised , didn’t expect that email at all , I haven’t replied yet so i wanted your advise on that .
      How long should i wait before i reply to his email ?
      Should i reply back by email or by text in this case ?
      What should i say ? this is his first email since that long email he sent me on jan13 which i didn’t reply to as well btw.

      thx alot in adv

      P.s wanted to remind you that we’re still separated by the same distance & he has a gf long distance relationship as well.

    9. admin

      March 7, 2014 at 6:22 am

      Wait about a day to reply.

      This is a good sign but don’t get your hopes up completely.

      Keep the response very interesting. Make sure its interesting. The idea is you want to get him to reply back.

  6. Cassandra

    January 11, 2014 at 4:14 am

    Hello Chris, I have wrote to you before but I have all the information about my ex boyfriend that is new to my knowledge. I’m 22 years old and 8 months pregnant and my ex left me on November 8th. I found out a day after my birthday January 2nd that he has a new girlfriend…. They’ve been together 2 days after he left me. So that means he planned on leaving me for her, and he left me for her before like a year and a half ago. I am so hurt cause I thought he’d come back… And he was kinda stringing me along, he never told me about her and told me 2 days ago that he doesn’t love her then I said “why are you with her then?” He said cause he was just bored. And two days before that he ended up calling me cause he wanted to say something to me and he also said “cassy I’m sorry I really am…..” (In text) so he lost his phone he said and called me and I told him I was worried about him and that his best friend and I were talking and he was calming me down when I was worried about my ex, then my ex said “you’re talking to my best friend?” (Which I was friends with his best friend before I met my ex anyways) I said “yea?” And then my ex got furious and said “my best friend is not gonna fuck my baby momma and vice versa.” I said “we are just talking and it really wouldn’t be your choice anyways.” So he hung up on me at 12 in the afternoon and then I non stopped called him from then till 11:24 at night, I was pissed and determined to get shit outta the way but he ignored me the whole time. Then the next day he called me cause my cousin told him online that I wanted to talk to him and he was hesitant at first but then he told me about his rebound and not loving her, I also asked him if he loved me and he said no and he’s healing, so then we got into it again and he hung up on me again then I kept calling and texting like last time but this time I quit after a few calls and texts. I called my mom crying and she told me to tell his rebound about me and what he’s been saying and doing. So I did and oh yes this girl remembers me cause I almost killed her last time I seen her. Anyways I told her that “her man” my ex said he doesn’t love her and everything he told me, she didn’t believe me and I told her I was pregnant and due in a month almost and sent her a picture for proof, she didn’t care. Then I called my ex cause I knew she was telling him what I was telling her and then he said to me basically “why are you lying to her”……. I said you weren’t telling her the truth so I was. (I’m assuming they were next to each other) and then he said he planned on leaving me for the longest time but didn’t cause I’m pregnant and that if I wasn’t pregnant he would block me and never talk to me and wishes I wasn’t pregnant… I am a very nice women, I loved him dearly, wanted marriage and a family but since I found out how he really is he won’t ever see his daughter, she’s bein adopted out and I’m not gonna tell him which is gonna make him hate me more. I want him back cause I love him and miss him but its too late for me isn’t it Chris? If you know a step by step method for me to get him to love me again let me know. What if I do the no contact with him? And if so he might just call to check if I had her of not cause he wants to see her. What should I do? Please email me or something I really need your help, you’re an expert and I don’t have money to get a guide book from anyone and by the time I do get money it’ll be too late. Please I don’t know who I can get help from other then you. 🙁

    1. admin

      January 12, 2014 at 4:42 am

      Well, first things first. Tell me why you want him back. Give me a good reason.

    2. Cassandra

      January 12, 2014 at 9:22 pm

      I can’t see me without him at all. I know there was love there. To me he is my everything and I don’t want to lose him. I could see my future with him, wanted to grow old, I always told him he doesn’t have to be a bad person, I know deep down he’s not he just has some issues. I’m in love with him unconditionally in love with him. I can’t sleep or eat and it hurts to know his new girlfriend was rubbing him in my face. I know he can’t just drop feelings for me but maybe so I don’t know, I need to know what to do now, time is running out please Chris.

  7. Lost and Confused

    January 7, 2014 at 11:57 pm

    Ok so I met my ex online dated for a year it was ldr. He always came to see me and I never went to him. He wld have no contact for days and always had an excuse why like phone broke etc.. So he went mia during holidays I got suspicious so was googling him and found nothing. Then decided to use his moms madien name with his last name and bingo a facebook page there was a pic with him and his girl (his words not mine). I admittedly tried calling and texting him and nothing. Went to line (app which u can message each other) and wrote Ik abt your girlfriend u liar and cheat I hope that works out for u cause I am prettier and deserve better than you. He wrote back stop harassing me and stalking me. I wrote back am not I am done with u. He immediately changed his profile pic to a pic of him and her and put me on ignore. Do I have a chance to work things out or should I give up? What does him changing his profile pic mean that he chose her?

    1. admin

      January 8, 2014 at 6:18 pm

      If you enter into NC and stick with it I think you have a shot.

    2. Lost and Confused

      January 10, 2014 at 1:23 am

      Thanks for the reply been in nc for 6 days and he has gone insane lol We met on a game and now he is making new ppl and messaging any guy near me saying I was his and a I am cheating on him and a slut basically. Still havent said a word to him. He hasnt tried to contact me other wise.

    3. Lost and Confused

      January 7, 2014 at 11:59 pm

      *immediately not admittedly

  8. LJ

    January 6, 2014 at 9:56 pm

    Hey, I’ve been on here a couple of days now and I’ve noticed that most of the relationships “were” long term, mine lasted only 5wks so I’m feeling like mine is nothing compared to most on here, its also taken me those couple of days to talk myself into sharing my experience with strangers…to me it’s not an easy thing to do…guess being in the UK its a little of that stiff upper lip malarkey in me ha!

    Ok well I met K through an online dating site, I wasn’t interested in him, as I’m 48 and he was only 38, I had an 18yr still at home with me, he’d never been married, engaged nor did he have any children, yet he wouldn’t give up on me so after we’d chatted on the site for 2 wks, I then agreed to phone him but only on the understanding that I withheld my number because at the end of the day….I didn’t know him. Anyway we ended up chatting non stop for over 2hrs!, he asked me to phone him again next evening, same thing again, so he then asked if I’d meet up for a coffee, I agreed but then I cancelled, we rearranged but I ended up cancelling that one as well, so again we rearranged and when that day came I was all set to cancel again and just not bother(the age thing was really getting to me) but he seemed a really nice guy and I thought…give him a chance, its only a coffee.
    We met and hit it straight off, the 1 hr coffee turned into a 3 hr…2 coffee’s and 1 Pepsi later, the time had just flown over! one thing I will mention at this point is…we mirrored each other for most of those 3hrs, I really can’t remember that happening to me before, which I suppose it has but maybe not often for it to stand out like this one had, K was the one who mentioned it to me just before we left, anyway he asked if he could see me again and he asked for my number, he text me as soon as he got home, and that was how it was between us, texting etc until our second date, I was feeling more nervous on the second date then I was on the first! We were meeting for a quiet drink and the night flew over again, we got on like a house on fire, he made me feel really special, the chemistry between us was instant and strong. He took me out for drinks, for meals, the cinema and he wouldn’t let me pay for anything, he lived 15 miles from me, yet he always insisted on driving to pick me up and then head off to where ever we were going, he was a proper gent, and wherever we were…he’d always be 100% with me, not looking around or pretending to be interested in what I was saying or sitting with nothing to say, we got on great, infact after only 2 wks he said he wanted us to be a couple, said he really liked me and wanted to see where it could go between us, so I agreed. After dating for 3 wks, he invited me over to his, to watch a film, eat pizza and just chill out, he said that if I felt comfortable enough I could stay over, he never ever forced anything, which is one of the things I liked about him. I knew I was going to stay over at his, it just felt right, if that makes any sense? the evening went great, he was really smooth with the talk and I use to rib him a lot for it saying he was as smooth as a bar of Galaxy chocolate, so when he gave me a big bar of Galaxy chocolate(its a UK thing) it made me smile as it was a really nice thing to do, but the biggest surprise for me was the fact he’d actually bought me a toothbrush? now I’m not a serial dater and its been 3 yrs since my last boyfriend, but no guy I’ve dated has ever bought me a tooth brush! or was I thinking too much on that one? We spent an amazing night at his, and then he dropped me off at home lunch time. The next 2 wks just flew over and we we’re getting on great, he stayed at mine on Christmas eve, got me a really expensive Gucci perfume set! which I wasn’t expecting! Everything was going great…My Grandmother had a lot of little sayings she’d come out with…one of which was..If something seems too good to be true..that’s because it normally is.
    So what went wrong your wondering?

    Ok well after he said he wanted us to be a couple, which was on the Friday night, my mate phoned me on the Monday afterwards, saying she’d just seen my boyfriend as showing online on the dating site, my stomach hit the floor, I was sitting thinking…what the heck!!!? I text him asking what was going on, he tried phoning me but I couldn’t speak to him, all night I sat there thinking, but in the end I rang him and we talked, he swore blind he wasn’t on there, he’d never ever lie to me and that he would never ever hurt me, said he was totally smittened with me, I even said to him, look if you want to see other women, just say and I’d walk away and leave you to it, but he insisted that the only woman he wanted was in his life and that was me, so I thought I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Everything was going great, until the Monday before Christmas eve, my mate foned me to say she’d seen him again as showing online on that dating site, I messaged him and he phoned me straight up, saying he wasn’t in there, hadn’t been in there since he’d met me, he wasn’t sure what was going on but he wasn’t in there, I said look if your wanting to finish, just say? he was like…no way LJ I think the world of you, no way do I want to finish, and again I gave him the benefit of the doubt because at the end of the day, I really liked him, he came over christmas eve and everything was great between us. He invited me over to his for New Years eve, he was going to cook me a meal and we would see the New Year in together. On the Sunday before New Years eve, my mate asks me to go see her on the Monday before I meet up with K. So when I get to hers, she tells me that he’s been showing as online in that site alot over the past 2wks, but she hadn’t mentioned it as she knew I liked him…a lot, so she then said I want you to look at this, there on her laptop was a conversation between someone called Becky(my mate) and K(my supposedly boyfriend), I was confused and wasn’t grasping what I was reading, but it turns out that my mate had made a false profile, and had been messaging K, but he hadn’t replied to any of them, so she’d gone on the site on Sunday to delete her profile thinking she’d had him all wrong only to find that he’d replied with a simple…Txt me with his mobile number, at 6am that morning. His profile had about 5 photo’s in it and it stated that he was single. My world just stopped and I sat there not sure what to think, trying to make sense of it all, and that’s when she passed me a mobile phone and said…read these texts. She’d simply text him a Hello K, how’s you? his reply that evening was…Is this Deb?, she had then replied no its Becky! so I now knew there was at least 2 women he’d given his number to. His texts stressed he was only looking for fun, so she had said that’s what she was looking for as well, she asked to meet up with him at the time he was meeting me for drinks that day, his reply was soz no can do already got plans, she then asked to meet up with him on new years eve, again he replied…Soz got plans and wont cancel, but I’ll defo hook up with you after new years eve, she replied ok but that she shared a house with her mate so they couldn’t go back to hers, all he replied was…You can come to my place. I just sat there numb! not knowing what to think! or to do! I couldn’t believe my mate had gone to these lengths to entrap him but then I just couldn’t believe he’d replied!!! her profile didn’t even have a photo in it!!! All she said to me was…LJ your my mate and I care loads about you, and sometimes you have be to a sneaky sod to catch an even sneakier sod!!!!
    So I went to meet K in a daze, reading the texts again, I just couldn’t believe any of it, but there it was in black & white in a text, then when I had a closer look I realised…he’d been texting me at the same time!! saying how much he missed me then texting “imaginary Becky” saying he couldn’t wait to hook up with her!!!! and he didn’t even know what she looked like!!! I cried then.
    Think I was on auto when I met him, we walked to the pub, he was chatting away and I was just devastated, I sat looking at him thinking…why?
    He didn’t even notice how quiet I was at first, just telling me how much he’d missed me, how he couldn’t wait for tomorrow night as spending new year eve’s with me was all he looking forward to blah blah blah.
    All I said was, is everything ok with us? he looked shocked saying everything was great between us, I was like, you sure? asking stuff as you do, thinking maybe everything had seemed great to me but to him it wasn’t but he assured me again again everything was great, I then said, is there anything you want to tell me? good or bad it doesn’t matter but if you do, then tell me now? I sat there willing him to confess what he’d been up to, to me that would of made it not better but the fact that he was being honest with me would of made a difference to me, yet he sat there saying he had nothing to tell me…he couldn’t look me in the face, he started to sweat, he even said, boy its hot in here isn’t it? all I said was…no it isn’t! that’s just the hot seat effect on you!! I could see him really starting to sweat and he learned into me saying, LJ what have I done? I can tell I’ve done something to upset you…I then said, I know about the women K, he looked like he was going to have a heart attack! the colour just drained from his face, the sweat was pouring out of him, he said texting other women? I replied..I never mentioned texting, and that’s when he confessed all, swore he’d never met anyone, had only given his number to 2 women and that he’d had no intention of meeting anyone, I sat and listened then all I asked was why K? he looked me straight in the eye and said, I don’t have a reason and I mean that, everything is great with us, I don’t know why I did it, I wreck everything thats good in my life and now I’ve lost you. I could feel the tears coming, he was sitting in the middle of a crowded pub, white, sweating, shaking like leaf with his head in his hands, saying he couldn’t believe what he’d done to me, and that he’d wanted to tell me but he was so frightened that if he had he’d have lost me, said he was disgusted with himself, never meant to hurt me, he then told me to slap him, pour his drink over him, shout at him! for me to just do something!, all I said was…you’ve lied and bullshitted me! I feel an utter mug! all he kept saying was that he liked me loads and didn’t want to lose me, all he kept saying was how sorry he was, as I reached over for my coat I said, remember on the phone when you told me you’d always be honest with me and never ever hurt me…well that was just another one of your lies! I got up and left, he followed me, saying he’d drop me off at home, I refused, he then said he’d walk me to get the bus, again I refused, told him to just leave me alone, as he walked away, he started crying.
    I went home in a daze, got home walked in the door and just broke my heart for hrs, but I just couldn’t hate him at all, I’d really fallen for him big time and wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, after more tears and serious thoughts I ended up texting him later that night, saying that to me New Years Eve was all about Fresh starts, new beginnings and second chances, he replied straight back saying he’d love to have that chance, we chatted, I offered to go over his the next night for new years eve for a chat, he said he couldn’t believe it but he’d love me to go over. I cried most of the night but I also thought…talking is a good starting point, so lets see how it goes. Next morning he text me saying he’d had no sleep, he was just so disgusted in himself for how he’d hurt me and what he’d done and that he’d never forgive himself for doing it, just kept saying how sorry he was, I replied saying we’d talk later and see how it goes, he then text me saying I’d never ever believe another word he said to me, so maybe tonight wasn’t a good idea, I phoned him up then, he just said, I don’t know how I’m going to live with myself after how much I’ve hurt you and what I’ve done to you, your the best thing thats happened to me in a long long time and I’ve totally wrecked it, I’m just so sorry, no matter what I say to you, your never ever going to trust me or believe me again, I’m going to feel so uncomfortable tonight knowing what I’ve done to you, so I think we should just call it a day as I’ve hurt you enough and I don’t want to hurt you anymore, I was like..your not even going to try at a second chance?, he said…I’m just so disgusted with myself LJ your better off without me.
    All I said then was…it might in a day, a week a month or a few months..but if you do ever wake up and think…oh god I’ve made a mistake!!…I said…just don’t bother! then I put the phone down.

    It will be 7 days tomorrow morning at 9am, I’ve not tried to contact him nor him me, all my mates keep telling me he was a player and that he just used me and I had a lucky escape. Maybe he was, but I also think that he did care, there was something between us, it just felt so right when we were together, I’ve no idea why he done it, don’t suppose I ever will, I had given him two chance to finish it between us, he had a way out not once but twice yet he refused..why? but then I think, if he had genuinely cared for me…he wouldn’t have hurt me? Yet it was him who wanted us to be a couple, him that insisted on meeting my 18yr child who is still at home with me, does a player waste all that time, effort and money on a woman? its not like he even tried to get me into bed, he waited until I was ready, Have I been a total foolish idiot???

    I have no intention of making any contact with K until day 44, the reason it will be day 44 instead of day 45 is because…its his birthday that day.

    1. admin

      January 7, 2014 at 6:41 pm

      What is your reasoning behind going beyond the 30 days?

    2. LJ

      January 7, 2014 at 7:00 pm

      Hey Chris, thank you for the reply. When I first came across your site, I read the section on how to get your boyfriend back after he cheated on you, in that you mention to up the NC to 45 days instead of the usual 30 days rule, should I stick to the 44 NC?

      LJ 🙂

    3. admin

      January 8, 2014 at 6:14 pm

      Do whatever NC rule feels the most natural to you.

    4. LJ

      January 9, 2014 at 4:57 pm

      Actually none of it feels natural, my first thought when I get up in the morning is…wanting to contact him and that’s how is it throughout the day & night…every day, in the beginning I’d hadn’t contacted him because I was hurting very badly and took a big step back, but when I came across your site a few days later and read what you’d put…you made sense of it to me, I’m still totally confused over whether he was genuinely interested in me or not, my mate told me yesterday that she’s not seen K on that site since we finished and that there’s no photos in his profile any more, I told her that I really don’t want to know anything about him, I just want to be left a lone to try and deal with all this.

    5. LJ

      January 18, 2014 at 6:38 pm

      Hey Chris, well its been 18 days today with
      the NC rule, I’ve stuck to it great, its not been easy not by a long shot but managing to reach day 18 has given me hope, I’ve no idea what he’s up to nor have I heard anything about him, anyway my mate asked me to download the WHATSAPP onto my phone as I’ve never used it, I downloaded it and was scrolling down the list of my contacts that suddenly showed up instantly and there at the bottom of the list was my ex K(I’d changed his name to Wan*er! on my phone..well it made me feel better)…so his showed up last, his status was…I’m at work! I was just gob smacked as I didn’t realise that all my contacts on my phone would automatically appear on this app!!! I had three instant emotions, firstly my stomach hit the floor, secondly I felt sick and then thirdly…I just burst into tears! none of the emotions I’d expected!! I immediately panicked and unistalled the app, then ran to the toilet crying to be sick! its taken me a good hr to pull myself together. I just can’t believe that seeing him on my list would have such an effect on me!? and there I was thinking I was doing ok, I’ve just gone back to how I was feeling the day I found out he’d been texting other women, I’m usually an easy going/chilled person, so the way my emotions erupted within me has kinda shocked me, to be honest, it’s frightened me a little as well.

    6. LJ

      January 29, 2014 at 10:49 pm

      Hey Chris, I was watching a programme on tv tonight that reminded me so much of my ex and I ended up texting him…its day 29, so I really shouldn’t have text him until tomorrow but it felt like the right moment to contact him. I was shaking like a leaf!! when I decided to text him, but I also knew I had to do it, all I said was.

      “Hey K, just been watching Only Fools & Horses…which made me think back to the first time I went to your place & the good laugh we had that night x”

      When I pressed the send button my heart jumped and I panicked, but I just kept thinking…no expectations LJ! don’t expect anything back.

      7 mins later he replied!! his reply was.

      “Yeah deffo was a good night and yeah had a good laugh always had a good laugh together. I’m at work at the moment.”

      As I realised he’d actually replied!! my heart was literately in my mouth! then as I read it…I started to cry, think it was a mixture of utter relief that he’d bothered to reply, that his thoughts of us sounded positive and that even at work, he’d risked being caught to reply to me. he text me 45 mins ago & as yet I’ve not replied. I’m still sitting here saying to myself…no expectations LJ! breath deep & be calm! time wise its 22.50 so my reply will have to be a short I’m off to bed, have a good shift.

      I know I cheated by one day Chris and I’m really sorry I did, but as , if you feel I should start the 30 days no contact again, I would do it

    7. admin

      January 30, 2014 at 5:57 pm

      No you are good! I think that went great.

    8. LJ

      February 14, 2014 at 12:00 pm

      Hey Chris, just an update as it’s been awhile since I last messaged you.
      Firstly I want to say a massive THANK YOU because if it hadn’t been for your site, I honestly don’t know what position I’d have been in right now and I honestly mean that x

      I followed your steps on the texting theory and for every one text I sent K, he was sending 2/3 back, it really took me by surprise at first! I followed your plan to the last and it was working….he then sent me a text saying “he’d thought about me every single day since we’d finished”….yet he’d never once tried to contact me?…He then sent another text saying he remembered every single moment we’d spent together because they had all been special moments to him” I was like wow!!! for all of one second…because strangely enough for every moment he remembered…that didn’t include that “really special” third date we spent together….that one had totally slipped his mind…

      I’ve got a hot date tonight and what better night for a date then Valentine’s Day….it’s not with K though….I decided that he just wasn’t worth all the time and effort I had been prepared to put in…I want someone who is prepared to put as much time and effort into a relationship as what I am. I think about K everyday, the special times we shared and the laughs we had and I’ll never forget that but I also think…maybe I was the lucky one for finding this site, taking the time to read everything to then sit and weigh up the pros and cons and to finally decide on my own…that my life is better without him in it. I’ve lost 16lbs so far and still going strong, kept my long hair but daringly changed the colour with the help of my hairdresser and it looks great! I feel positive and dare I say happy within myself, don’t get me wrong it’s not been easy but today I sat and typed all this and I feel really proud of myself.

      Think Leona Lewis says it perfectly in her song ‘Better in Time’.

      I came across a quote that stuck in my mind yrs ago and now I’m thinking…how very true it is…

      ““You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the hell on.”

      I’ve moved on x

    9. Lesley

      November 26, 2014 at 12:04 pm

      Hey Chris, I still haven’t replied to his 3 messages and he’s not contacted me, so I’m pleased he’s giving me time to decide.
      So if I do decide to meet him, should I agree to meet up for the meal & chat or should I opt for a coffee chat instead?

      Month’s ago I’d have honestly jumped at the chance of meeting him, but now I’m being very hesitant at the chance….the irony of all this is that….it was exactly 1yr ago Monday just gone that we’d actually had our first date, kinda weird that he would ask to meet up exactly on that same date.

      Don’t worry Chris….if I do meet up with him….I’ll be wearing my Bridget Jones underwear ha

      Lesley 🙂

    10. Lesley

      November 24, 2014 at 5:40 pm

      After he messaged me on Fri, I replied later that night, asking him to stop messaging me & to just let me go.

      He sent me 3 messages in a row last night, saying he was interested in me that’s why he’s kept in touch the last 6months, he also asked me out, for a meal & a chat, saying he hoped I wanted to see him again but would totally understand if I said no.

      I’m in shock! Talk about a bolt out of the blue! Him asking me out was the last thing I expected.

      I’m I interested? I honestly don’t know Chris, like I said in my first ever message, there were never any bad times between us….apart from our breakup.

      I’ve not replied to his messages, as my head is all over the place.

    11. admin

      November 25, 2014 at 2:42 pm

      Well, if you want him back or want a relationship with him then you should probably go just to see what happens.

      Oh, and whatever you do, DO NOT sleep with him.

    12. Lesley

      November 22, 2014 at 3:19 pm

      Hey Chris, about 6months ago my ex who I told you about above^^^^ started messaging out me out of the blue, took me 4 days to decide to reply, since then he just randomly messages me…its usually 2 to 4 messages a month. I reply…we message a few times, but then its always me who stops replying, he’ll then messages me again a few wks later, if I don’t reply straight away he sends more until I do…4 being the most. He’s never asked me out or asked if I’m seeing anyone, he just asks how I am and that I’m ok. He’s the one that brought our breakup into the messages, that he was sorry and other stuff.
      To be honest Chris I really don’t know why he keeps messaging me, I’ve asked him a couple of times and all he says is that he cares for me and just wants to make sure I’m all right.
      I’ve been single since our breakup, I’ve been on a couple of dates but that’s been it, I do still have feelings for him but as to how much I’m really not sure, I’ve never seen him since I finished with him. I’m totally baffled.

      LJ

    13. admin

      November 24, 2014 at 4:13 pm

      Probably testing you or gauaging you to see if you are still interseted.

      Are you?

    14. LJ

      January 30, 2014 at 11:03 am

      I text K back over an 1 hr later with…
      “Yes we did always have a good laugh together. I’ve got a busy day tomorrow so I’m off to bed. Have a good shift :-).”

      3 mins later his reply was.
      “Yeah we did ok sweet dreams ;-)x”

      Being honest here, I’m now very unsure as to what my next move should be?…as I honestly hadn’t expected him to reply when I’d eventually text him. Think my 3 biggest fears had been…a reply from him asking who I was!? which would of meant that he’d deleted my number, no reply at all! or if he had replied!
      I didn’t get hardly any sleep last night, a lot of things kept going around in my head, I’ve always been one of those women whose belief was….if someone cheated on you…then that would be it! no second chances! no excuses!! once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater!!! but then when you find yourself in that position yourself…its not as easy as that is it? it’s ok for an outsider looking in, giving their opinion and scoffing/being judgemental at you because you want to give it another try with a person who has basically broke every rule in the relationship book….and now here I am…wanting/hoping to get another chance with my cheating ex…do I really want to put myself through it? for maybe history to repeat itself again? knowing what I’ve been through, the hurt, the tears, the confusion, the blaming myself, trying to understand the why, the wondering of who he’s with now, if he ever thinks about me? the list is endless isn’t it?, never been in this place before and I hope to God I never will be again…but even after all that has happened…my feelings haven’t changed at all for K and I do want that second chance with him…everyone deserves one right?

      I’m really sorry for waffling on, but for some reason… it helps, if that makes any sense.

      LJ

  9. layla

    January 5, 2014 at 10:38 am

    hello at first forgive me about my bad English I’m not from USA .
    i don’t know my ex boyfriend if he was cheating on me or not but there’s some Signs like he doesn’t call me like before , he Always busy , and if we go out he always wants to go his home early . that he tired or something and when i tell him you are cheating he told me I’m a sick girl and when i told him i want to break up he told me ok
    pls tell me you know better

    1. admin

      January 5, 2014 at 8:16 pm

      Have you went NC yet?

    2. layla

      January 6, 2014 at 12:12 pm

      i’m sorry what happened to delete my reply ?

    3. layla

      January 6, 2014 at 12:13 pm

      i send u an email thank you

    4. layla

      January 5, 2014 at 9:33 pm

      no not yet 🙁 i read it today I’ll start , but you didn’t told me if he is cheating?

    5. layla

      January 5, 2014 at 10:04 pm

      we broke up a month ago, During this month i talk to him many times every day and he reply but without interesting and when i asked him if he thinking of me he said not much i just saw your website i read the NC i’ll start but i really want to know if he was cheating or not

  10. Marie

    January 3, 2014 at 9:42 pm

    Ok Ive been reading this site for days. I recently broke up with my bf of five yrs. We have a 3 year old daughter and were to be married in Dec 13. Around the time we started planning our wedding he started seeing another very loose woman. He started coming home later and later and then not coming home at all. He denied being with me three times on three different phone conversation with her, him and I. She has disrespected me and he has allowed it. He even took her out with my daughter which led to a huge fight. Now I know why I want him back, its because I love him unconditionally and even though I know I can do better he has always been the one for me. Further I want my daughter to have her whole family… Ok so last night I confronted him about some pictures she posted with him biting her on her ass and her skirt up in the air on Old Years Night. He apologized and said he didnt know she would post that to fb and that he still wants to be with me but he thought we decided to take a break which we did. I told him that even though we are on break he still need not disrespect me. When the affair started I cried, I begged I basically acted like a crazy person. He now lives with her but most of his clothes is here. He says he will be home in less than six months and he just wanted some freedom. He still pays our bills, gives us money etc. I worked parttime up till christmas vacation and he is the main breadwinner. I am trying the MC rule but its hard because I have to see him everyday for our daughter. I dont believe they will last because I am a lady of class while all this girl does is drink and party. Which he is now doing with her. Yes I want him back, yes I know he is a jerk but we had an amazing relationship. I have insisted she not contact me also as she kept calling me and texting me to show off she had him and everytime he comes over his neck is ridled with hickeys. Is there anything i can do to get him to leave her, return to me and be faithful or should i just walk away? I can send you more details if you would like.
    PS, I love the advice on this site and I intend to apply it as best i could.

    1. Lu

      January 22, 2014 at 7:02 pm

      Marie,
      you wrote it. you two HAD amazing relationship. that relationship will never be the same again. there could be some new start or building new relationship if hes really willing to.but what he is doing now is having sex with another girl (for 6 months) while he knows he can get back to you when he will have enough of her. love is when someone wants his/her spouse to be happy. you think you love him unconditionaly, but that will stop after you will have no contact with him for some time. the only think he deserves is support yourbaby financially.

    2. admin

      January 4, 2014 at 6:46 pm

      I think what he did was really wrong.

      I am so sorry that this happened to you.

      MC I think is a very good idea and actually I would recommend this: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-get-your-ex-boyfriend-back-if-he-has-a-girlfriend-version-2-0/

    3. Marie

      January 6, 2014 at 11:53 pm

      Thank you. I don’t know why you do what you do but it is pretty damn awesome 🙂

    4. admin

      January 7, 2014 at 6:44 pm

      Your welcome.

  11. Yolanda

    January 3, 2014 at 10:09 am

    Hello. I found this article to be very interesting and it was extremely helpful. I was in a relationship with a man 9 years younger than me. He’s 32 and I’m 41. We dated for almost 3 years. During those years, he was in prison for 19 months. I was complety loyal and stayed by his side the entire time. Prior to his first release he had been incarcerated for about 10 years. After he was released, he was out on parole then was reincarcerated after being out for 11 months. He was very young when he went to prison and he had a hard time adjusting to society when he was released. After going back to prison for parole violation he was released once again. In the beginning, the honeymoon period was great. We were so in love and he was happy to finally be home with his family. The second time he was released it was different. I started to hear rumors of him cheating on me. He never gave me reason to suspect him until he started changing. He would constantly be on his cell phone texting. Even while in church. He was always made a huge deal about his phone and never left home without it. He was also a registered sex offender and had several conditions he had to follow while being on parole. He wore a GPS tracking monitor on his leg and he had a 10 pm curfew. It felt like our relationship was so juvenile cause he lived at home with his parents and was so limited to what he could do and where he could go. Especially with being labeled a sex offender. I often felt like I was on parole as well.

    I did so much for this man and felt like he was the one who benefited from our relationship. He was super needy and never gave back in the relationship. He was easily influenced by others and always put others ahead of me. Make a long story short he started distancing himself from me, the texts stopped, phone calls decreased. I had a feeling something wasn’t right. So I started hearing rumors and confronted him about them which of course he denied at first. I went on a rampage and sent texts to his phone cause I was so angry & hurt. He kept.calling trying 2 explain. Then finally admitted that he was seeing another woman during the time we were still together. He claimed they were just friends but I beg to differ. He constantly finds excuses to contact me. I blocked his number so I wouldn’t receive calls or texts from him. Recently I saw his Facebook page with a pic of him and his new girlfriend the one when he said was just his friend. He had the time when they were in a relationship which was the same time we were still together. We never officially broke up. He just got caught up in his mess and was trykng to get out of the relationship for whatever reason.

    Not sure if he is on the rebound or not but he cheated with this girl while we were still in a relationship. He know once I found out about it that there was no going back. I have zero tolerance for cheaters. He has done absolutely everything he said he wouldn’t do to me. I’m not saying our relationship was perfect but I had no idea that he was ready to end things. Maybe he wanted someone more of his age. I’m not sure. But it still wasn’t

  12. Shay

    January 3, 2014 at 6:40 am

    We broke up a few months ago he stayed with the girl he cheated on me with but he always remained to be in contact with me. There broke up 3-4 times since he and I broke up. They are broken up now and he has always said he made the wrong decision even when he was with her. I was with him first and known him longer. I’m at a point where yes I still love him and want him back, however, what he says he hasn’t acted on. Such as, he wants to be with me and ultimately wants me to be his wife and blah blah blah blah. Is the no contact rule just for right after the break up or can it be done in my situation now? I need real advice. I don’t want to be a fool or heartbroken again. I love him so much. How do I know what he says is true. He hasn’t contacted me since 2am New Years 2014, and I haven’t contacted him either. Ughh what do I do?? Please help.

  13. Shay

    January 3, 2014 at 6:39 am

    We broke up a few months ago he stayed with the girl he cheated on me with but he always remained to be in contact with me. There broke up 3-4 times since he and I broke up. They are broken up now and he has always said he made the wrong decision even when he was with her. I was with him first and known him longer. I’m at a point where yes I still love him and want him back, however, what he says he hasn’t acted on. Such as, he wants to be with me and ultimately wants me to be his wife and blah blah blah blah. Is the no contact rule just for right after the break up or can it be done in my situation now? I need real advice. I don’t want to be a fool or heartbroken again. I love him so much. How do I know what he says is true. He hasn’t contacted me since 2am New Years 2014, and I haven’t contacted him either. Ughh what do I do??

    1. admin

      January 3, 2014 at 8:03 pm

      Stop stressing. IMplement NC!

    2. Shay

      January 16, 2014 at 12:59 am

      What about if him and the girl are broken up and he moves back in with her to rent the other room in the apartment she has?

  14. Anaisa

    December 26, 2013 at 1:13 am

    Hi Chris,

    My ex boyfriend of 2 yrs cheated on me and I just found out 4 days ago.
    I´ve been suspicious of the affair since June and I even confronted him asking him several times if he was having an affair (even identifying the person) but he denied it every time.

    I told him since we had no children together (he has 2), we weren´t living together or anything like that and if he was interested in someone else there was no “obligation” for us to stay together. For me it makes no sense: if somebody finds another person there’s no point in going on with the old relationship if it’s not working. I told him that.

    He denied it saying that our problems had nothing to do with third parties…

    I love him and he knows this and I never gave up on us.

    We had some rough times in the past and we used to argue a lot and I recognize most of the arguments were my fault because I’m such a stubborn and strong minded person and I have a very hard time admitting I am wrong.

    In the past 2 months I started to consistently change my behavior and we started to (somehow) bond again and getting closer (not much but much more than in a long time – our sexual life however was still dead). We had no more fights and it was very pleasant…

    But the truth is, since June our relationship grow apart each day. Everything we had and it was a lot started to fade away.
    We had such a complicity that it is hard to find. It was unique. Even with our fights…

    With that said, last Saturday he forgot his tablet at my place and for the first time in my entire life I did a thing I find condemnable: I went to his Facebook inbox and all my suspicions became true.

    I read everything I wanted and everything I didn’t want. I read his texts to her saying he adores her, that she is his love, is wife, that they are a couple and so on.
    I read things he told me in a past not so long ago.

    As you can imagine, I was so hurt and so angry that I could kill him. But…

    Once he denied the affair (by now I really don´t know which one of us was the “official” one because I’m almost certain that she doesn´t know we were still together – they started when we were apart and by now I know he is a pretty good liar), I took a pic of some “memorable” threads of his FB inbox and send it to him with this text:
    “I hope you forgive me for violating your privacy but it was stronger than me. I hope you forgive me for this and I wish you all the best. Kisses and I hope you achieve in life all that you want.”.

    He read the text a few hours later and texted me this:
    ”What’s this?????????”.

    He knows I read that text but I didn´t answer it.

    That was last Saturday night.
    NC on Sunday and yesterday, Christmas eve, he texted my mom this:
    “Just to wish you a Merry Christmas. I have a present for you and we should meet so I can give it to you. I intended to give it to you today but I am away with the kids at my parents’ house. The kids also send you kisses”.
    My mom replied:
    ”thank you and I also wish you a Merry Christmas”. I told her to text this…

    10 minutes later, he texts me: “Merry Christmas”. I didn´t reply.

    Today at noon, he texts me:
    ”I left at your door step your present and your mother’s. Once again Merry Christmas”. I didn´t reply.
    (Btw the present was bought yesterday.)

    My mom, a few hour later thanked him her present.

    I am very hurt. I feel humiliated. I am not sleeping. I feel a pain in my chest but I still haven´t cried a single tear.

    I still don’t know if I’ll ever forgive him or if I want him back. It’s too soon. But I know I still love him. I wish I had an on/off button.

    What I need to know is: Am I doing the right thing? Am I handling this the best way possible? His actions these last days mean what?

    Thank you for helping.

    PS sorry for the spelling but English is not my first language

    1. admin

      December 26, 2013 at 6:18 pm

      Right now you need to figure that out. Whether you want him back or if you want to move on.

    2. Anaisa

      December 26, 2013 at 7:55 pm

      Yes!! I know that. But I definitely need more time. My head is still a mess.

      But I’m truly committed to the NC rule. I believe indifference is the best weapon: hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is…

      Btw, today he posted on his FB page this quote: “don’t worry about the people in your past. There´s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future”

      He is right!!!!!!!
      But what a nerve!!!!! If he is trying to punch me in the stomach he is dead wrong: it made me laugh by showing that he’s disturbed with the cheating issue.

      Many thanks once again

    3. Anaisa

      December 27, 2013 at 7:50 am

      As I told you before, when I found out we was cheating on me for the past 6 months with the same person, lying pretty much every day, I immediately ended our relationship.

      So I´m supposed to be the “dumper”.

      However, the truth is I feel like the “dumpee”.

      Once he is with her and has all those feelings for her I really feel like he left me for another woman…

      Is this normal? What shall I do to avoid feeling miserable?

      Many thanks again

    4. admin

      December 27, 2013 at 7:36 pm

      I get that…

      Why do you want this guy back?

      Not trying to start anything with you but seriously… is he worth it?

    5. Anaisa

      December 26, 2013 at 6:33 am

      In the meantime, he texted me asking if I could leave is iPad at the front desk of is work in the morning (he needs it).
      I didn´t reply but I will be doing so tomorrow morning.
      The text was very sharp and short and he thanked me at the end.

      Other way he would have to come to my place to get it and we would have to see each other.

      I forgot to mention that he still has the keys to my place and a lot of clothes from the time (end of last year and begin of this) we were almost living together and he actually talked about marriage.

      After that (since March) all derailed and I think he stopped believing in our relationship and started to believe that it would not work since we ended always to get into a fight. It was a vicious circle (which doesn´t justify what we did to me, anyway).

      I don´t know if it was clear in my previous comment that hes still with her.

      Thanks

  15. Melanie

    December 24, 2013 at 7:01 am

    Hi, I have been on this website for a while, and after reading most of the guide, I decided to ask for your personal advice.
    My ex boyfriend and I were together for about a year and half, we are in the same college. Our families are very close and he has constantly mentioned marriage to me, the plan was to marry after college and go for our graduate study together. I have to admit that he is quite a selfish guy to begin with, he will always put his needs before mine. But I do love him and want a future with him.
    Things went downhill when we moved out of hostel to an apartment out of school this semester. We shared the apartment with a friend of his, who is a chronic liar and a player. And by Nov, the two of them started lying to me. My ex went out to date another girl from school while I was sick at home, and his friend will lie to me and say he is studying or whatever. By end of Nov, I found out he went to hotel with the girl and I confronted him very calmly. He told me he did not have sex with her (which later the girl admitted to me as well that the furthest they went physically was to hug). So I decided to forgive him when he promised he won’t lie to me again. However, two days later, another girl appeared and texted me to ask if I am his girlfriend, I said yes, and the girl was furious telling me to keep an eye on my boyfriend and that she really thought he was single. My boyfriend then texted me and accused me of screwing him up by telling the girl I am his gf and said he wants to break up with me. Being extremely hurt, I said okay and immediately moved out of the house that afternoon.
    He came back to an empty house and after one night he started searching for me. He texted me and called me to find out where I am. I did not reply at first, but then he begged and begged and I agreed to meet him. When I met him, he cried and begged for forgiveness, telling me how much he loves me and needs me in his life, and blamed our housemate for his negative influence. I told him I need time to think about it, and he agreed to give me time. For the next two days he showered me with affection and I was happy and I thought he actually regretted his actions. However, on the third day, he suddenly said he just wants to be friends but continued to say I am the love of his life. I was so confused and upset and eventually I agreed to be his friend in the hope that we can somehow work it out.
    He constantly asked me for help with school and personal life, and told me he misses me and our time together and came to find me for sex. (I know I made a huge mistake allowing him)
    And what happened was, I went to our old apartment on saturday morning, and found the second girl (the one who asked if I am his gf) sleeping with him. And he actually said it in my face that “we broke up already. And I think I made the right decision to.” I then started speaking to the girl and he got scared and went to wake his friend up to help him with the situation. His friend then told the girl “Don’t believe in her(me), believe in what Nick(my ex bf) has done for you this past three weeks.” And needless to say, my heart was completely shattered and I left.
    His parents learnt the situation and are both incredibly disappointed with him and are now forcing him to move back to hostel.
    Both girls that he cheated on me with came to talk to me to understand what is going on, and I realised that my ex boyfriend has been lying to them as well. So now as far as I know the two girls cut contact with him as well. One of them are flying back to her homeland in a week (she is an exchange student).
    I started no contact with him since saturday, and he tried to call me four or five times and texted me two apologetic texts over the next three days telling me he is sorry and he has realized his mistake and will now change. He did not say anything about our relationship though. I did not reply any of his texts.
    Sorry for the long story. My question now is just will he really change? Is it possible that he was really misled by his friend? What should I do if I want to save this relationship? Do I just continue to go NC for 45 days as you suggested while working on myself? From a third person’s point of view, is he even worth it?
    Thank you so much.

    1. admin

      December 24, 2013 at 7:29 pm

      I have an important question for you.

      Why do you want him back? I mean, he seems like a jerk from everything you said.

    2. Melanie

      December 25, 2013 at 12:25 pm

      I guess I put in too much effort into this relationship and I kind of hope he is just badly influenced by his friend, and that he will actually learn a lesson from this.

    3. admin

      December 26, 2013 at 6:00 pm

      There is nothing wrong with you putting too much effort into a relationship. It says more about him that he didn’t appreciate it.

    4. Melanie

      December 27, 2013 at 12:47 am

      You’re right. I am experiencing so much pain from the betrayal, do you have any advice on how to rid this pain?

    5. admin

      December 27, 2013 at 7:24 pm

      Nothing I can tell you will help.. it is just going to take time.

      Stay active let your friends be your friends and cheer you up.

  16. Megan Cumby

    December 16, 2013 at 1:22 am

    I was wondering if you might address the issue of commitmentphobia. After reading the book “He’s scared, She’s scared, understanding hidden fears that sabotage your relationships” I found that mine and my husband’s relationship was pegged to a T. Commitment phobia is defined as a claustrophobic response toward intimacy. We were married for 3yrs, together for 7. I am separated and in the process of filing for divorce. The worst part is that we are dragging our 3yr old through our commitment conflicts. Looking back, I see all the signs of true commitment conflicted behavior for the both of us, as I am passive and he is the active runner. We both very much enjoyed our space equally and I have never been the jealous type. Well, he took advantage of my trust twice w 2 different women. Once when we were dating and of course he took the easy way out by commiting adultery, the ultimate way of creating distance in the relationship, w a girl he knew for a long time and very well had a chance with long before we met and before he initiated our very quick elopement. I was already pregnant before and when we got married, which was a planned pregnancy. We started a trucking company after the birth of our child, which we thought was a good idea against the advice of friends, because he is a traveller and not interested in schooling and it allowed me to raise our child. Turns out that was another way to create distance because the relationship went downhill from there. He stopped trying to keep the commitment and put up walls and the harder i tried to reconnect, the harder he pushed me away. Slowly the things he liked about me he gradually found a way to dislike and found fault with everything i was or did. It was less than a month after we split he began introducing the new girlfriend to everyone including our son. I atleast thought he would have given himself time to heal before jumping right back into the thick of it and I thought he learned from the 1st girl that the fantasy is better than the reality, (that one lasted less than 3 mnths as I let him go and he came crawling back.) Well, I have no want or hope to get him back; obviously because it appears that he is already over me and because this is the 2nd offense. I dont think he will try this time even if this one doesnt work out. Part of me is very conflicted only because I feel that its right for families to be together and I made a commitment. However i will not accept him back if this new relationship doesnt work. I already gave him the chance to make it right-that was a lost cause. The push/pull has become default behavior in our relationship. At one point during the separation I became the other woman. It is too confusing for one minute we can’t get enough of eachother, and the next he can’t get far enough away. We had good and bad times like every relationship and the attraction is still real. He says things like this wouldnt be so hard if he didnt still love me. I don’t get it. He chose to complicate things by falling for 2 women. He refuses to take responsibility for his behavior saying that it sort of happened. He has this unrealistic attitude about true love thinking that the romantic feeling will last forever with the perfect soulmate. The moment he has to work at a relationship he’s done. And so am I. I thought I’d bring some attention to this subject if it hasn’t already been addressed. Thank you for letting me post on here.

    1. admin

      December 16, 2013 at 6:37 pm

      I think in the end you have to ask yourself… is this the man you want?

      He has done a lot to you..

  17. daka

    December 13, 2013 at 2:40 am

    I dated a guy for 7 yrs..he left me for another while I was still in training..v hve contacted each other. .m it was so bitter….will d nc still work if he doesn’t c me n is still .Datin a new girl…reply pls…..sos

    1. admin

      December 13, 2013 at 7:27 pm

      Sure it will! You need to check out my latest guide.

  18. Jennie

    December 3, 2013 at 10:03 pm

    Me and my guy have only been dating for 3 weeks or so (After talking online for months. He lives 2 hours away.) We didn’t slept together right away, but we did on the 2nd meeting (after he said I was his girl). After a 12 days or so of not seeing each other because he was on disaster relief work – with the recent tornados, when he was done he called me – probably hoping to come see me, but I was sick, so he went home. Then he slept with what he calls, his “just friends with benefits” that he was trying to stop talking to after we met…. she was going through personal issues (that she confirmed on Facebook) and wanted to come to his house just to talk – and it happened. She sent me a facebook message the next day.

    I really feel like I finally found “the guy” because we have so much in common – it’s weird. We really have a super strong connection, I hate to let this go, before we even get a chance to get to know eachother better 🙁 I have told him from the get that I wanted something profound and I think we do have that… I told my family about him the day after we met – I have really never felt like this before 🙁

    After a week of texting, we need to talk, him saying he was sorry and that that is not the man he is or wants to be – deciding, wait how can we talk about this? I am so ashamed!!! and me sending long messages about how much I cared for him, but how angry I was because I have never been cheated on before… and a week of completely sobbing my eyes out… I decided I needed some time. Have a great thanksgiving! Since then, he has been sending “good night sweets” and such. I have been responding… it has been 3 weeks since we have seen each other – which, with the 2 hours it is not easy to see him. We have not talked for 2 days now.

    I was thinking of not talking to him for a few more days or so, since it has already been a few weeks… and setting up some boundaries if our relationship is going to continue. We need to take a step back, and I am not going to sleep with him. We need to spend sometime getting to know each other first. We can date, but being intimate with me is SPECIAL. (I haven’t slept with anyone for 8 months before him.) Is it too late to “get to know each other better” since we have slept together? I really don’t think he perused this to happen, but it is so early on in the relationship… I wish I could just talk to him about if and how we should try to get past this…. please help 🙁

    1. admin

      December 5, 2013 at 12:53 am

      Well, are you in no contact right now?

    2. Jennie

      December 5, 2013 at 1:34 am

      yes – since sunday

    3. Jennie

      December 5, 2013 at 2:41 am

      do you tell them about the no contact rule?

    4. admin

      December 5, 2013 at 6:37 pm

      No you do not.

    5. Jennie

      December 5, 2013 at 7:09 pm

      So you think I should just not talk to him anymore? This is really hard, but I feel like if he really gave a crap he would drive here and proof it… considering the circumstances, I don’t think he will because we haven’t been dating that long… I’m just so upset 🙁 I appreciate for your advice. If he does want to come here it is going to be really hard for me to tell him no…. I miss him so much 🙁

    6. admin

      December 6, 2013 at 7:13 pm

      Just for a little while. I mean lets be honest here. IF he cheated on you then HE is in the wrong and he should be begging you to talk to him.

    7. Jennie

      December 4, 2013 at 5:40 am

      we did say to each other before this happened, I’m not sleeping with anyone else – I want to pursue this with you.

  19. B

    November 20, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    Hi, me and my boyfriend had been going out for 5 months (We started talking in February.) At first we got along fine but over time he began to take constant advice from his friends on our relationship and because of that we argued ALOT. Then later in our relationship I found out that he was messing around with some girl at our school. Apparently he liked the attention he was getting from her. He was genuinely sorry and I could tell. He made changes and I made changes to make things better and for awhile they were. Just recently he’s been practically begging for sex. (Im only 16 and still a virgin and he isnt) He’s been constantly listening to his friend’s advice and to me it seems he feel like he’s being left out because theyre all having sex. He became very angry I wouldnt have sex with him because its been a long time. Just yesterday I found out he tried to get a girl who is known for being promiscuous’ number but she rejected him. He told me he only did it because he wanted some. I initially broke up with him yesterday but decided to try and talk things over with him today. He told me he loved me and he was sorry but the apology seemed very forced. Then over text he told me I need to let him go. I have no idea what to do. He’s my first love.

    1. admin

      November 21, 2013 at 6:24 pm

      May I ask why you want him back if he cheated on you…

    2. B

      November 21, 2013 at 7:21 pm

      I want him back because before we actually got together we werent perfect for eachother but we got along soooo well. He opened up to me about things he never told anyone and I did the same. He became one of my best friends. He said that most girls he’s talked to werent really girls he could have a friendship and relationship with and he felt I was special. He was very faithful but over time he kept listening to his friends when they called him whipped and said im running the relationship. He said that I deserved better yesterday and now he wont talk to me. Its killing me because today I saw him acting as if nothing even happened, he even flirted with girls when he was with his friends. I couldnt stand seeing him so I left early. I just want my best friend back.

    3. admin

      November 22, 2013 at 7:09 pm

      Well, give it time. This isn’t going to happen overnight. Try to not let these things bother you (which I know is impossible.)

    4. B

      November 24, 2013 at 6:23 pm

      Also I have one more question, he said he wanted our break to be for a little while and im assuming that might mean from now probably towards Christmas time, should I contact him first around that time or should I wait? He’s not the type to really take initiative and make conversation first so should I?

    5. admin

      November 25, 2013 at 7:08 pm

      Well after a 30 NC you can contact him. The key is to stay in NC though.

    6. B

      November 20, 2013 at 9:21 pm

      Actually he’s the first boy ive ever loved not my first love if you understand what im saying.

    7. admin

      November 21, 2013 at 6:24 pm

      Yes I understand.

  20. la la

    November 12, 2013 at 1:23 am

    Hi Chris, thanks for all the great articles. My situation is definitely unique. I was with a man for a year and I really love him. When I met him he was married and said he was separated, but that wasn’t really true. In his mind he was but not in hers. This is going to sound crazy but he is facing a serious charge for something that he says he didn’t do and because of that can’t get a divorce just yet. He needed her on his side and didn’t want to rock the boat with her. He was living with me and I even met his friends and family and he told everyone he met the perfect person (me) and that he would be getting a divorce. but she thought we were only friends. He was paying a mortgage on his house and she was living there and he had nothing to offer me because of it and was always broke. Couldn’t even pay his lawyer. So finally I sent him home to deal with his stuff. And told him I really loved him but the situation was driving me crazy. I still wanted to be with him but then he ignored me for a week. So I initiated no contact on him and deleted him from bbm and closed my Facebook. Looking back I think I over reacted. When I opened my fb account again he kept posting a bunch of carp about how good of a time he was having and friended her on there again. Then I got a call at work from a guy who knows him but doesn’t know me and said he was sorry for not saying hi to me at the hockey game and I said I wasn’t at the hockey game and he went quiet so I knew that my ex went with her. So I deleted him from fb and had my mom delete him too so I could heal. The next day he called me at work sounding cold and angry asking me to bring his stuff and wanted it back. We finally talked were he told me he was upset I deleted him and I told him I was upset he ignored me and that I felt like I was being punished for sending him home to deal with his situation. And said what I found out with the hockey game and that if he wants to be with her that I’m not going to come between that. And he said he doesn’t want her. After we met to give him his stuff and btw he seemed very sad. I sent him a text saying I was sorry for hurting him and that I reacted out of my own emotions not thinking about him. He said that’s fine don’t worry. Then I sent him a text two weeks later said I still care and would like to stay in contact. No reply. And it has been a month since then. He called my work the other day cause he has to deal with my company from time to time and he asked for someone else. I didn’t even know it was him. But another a boyfriend of a friend went into his work last week and he apparently told him that he really misses me and feels bad about how he treated me. He could be going to jail and I don’t know if I should just leave things for now or work on getting him back? Please help. Thanks!

    1. admin

      November 12, 2013 at 6:58 pm

      What have you done so far from the site? The no contact rule?

    2. la la

      November 13, 2013 at 12:07 am

      Been in no contact for over 30 days and never really made any of the break up mistakes. But what I realize today is that we really can’t be together right now because of the situation. And the beat I can hope for is a reconciliation way in the future. Could be a couple years by the time all his stuff is sorted. Right now I feel like I love him enough to wait. What do you think about that? Cause really and truly there is a high probability that he will go to jail.

    3. admin

      November 13, 2013 at 7:10 pm

      Well, I am not going to tell you what to do but I will say one thing. Not sure he is the greatst guy in the world…

    4. la la

      November 14, 2013 at 2:48 am

      I know. He has issues, I’m just hung up on what we had together. We really connected. I’m a beautiful girl and shouldn’t be wasting my emotions on him anymore. It’s just hard.

    5. admin

      November 14, 2013 at 7:14 pm

      Believe me I know. It’s so easy to get sucked in isn’t it?

    6. la la

      November 13, 2013 at 12:08 am

      Meant best I could hope for.

    7. la la

      November 12, 2013 at 1:37 am

      Ps it has been a little over three months since the breakup and very limited contact with at least a month no contact. I did get somewhat emotional the day he called to get his stuff but no begging or pleading. Just told him I send him love to get through his situation and that I really do wish him the best but that he needs to spend some time figuring out what he’s doing.

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