Today, we’re going to talk about how to break down your ex-boyfriend’s emotional wall.
- More specifically, we’re going to actually talk about what an emotional wall looks like when your ex is putting it up.
- We’re going to talk a little bit about why they put up an emotional wall and what type of attachment style people who have these emotional walls typically are.
- And finally, most importantly, we will talk about how to break down the emotional wall that your ex is putting up after a breakup.
All right.
So let’s just jump right into this.
What does an ex putting up an emotional wall typically look like?
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizBreaking Down What An Ex Putting Up An Emotional Wall Actually Looks Like
Now there’s a lot of different symptoms of the emotional wall, but most of the time, the symptoms are going to have four things in common.
The first thing is you will be with your ex-boyfriend after the breakup, or maybe during the breakup, or maybe even a little bit before the breakup, but you’ll have this feeling and you don’t really know how to describe it.
- Maybe you’re picking up their body language being different.
- Maybe you’re picking up the responses not being as quick.
- Maybe you’re picking up that your ex-boyfriend or your boyfriend is not as interested. You just get the sense that they’re becoming distant.
So if you noticed they’re distant a lot, this is maybe one of the first dominoes falling with regards to putting up that emotional wall.
The next thing you’re probably going to notice a lot is a lot of hot and cold behavior.
So this is kind of a weird one, but sometimes, especially after a breakup, what ends up happening is your ex will flirt with you and you will be, after the flirting, you’ll go to bed at night thinking, “Wow, I’m making a lot of progress.”
Then you wake up the next day and you won’t hear from them and you’ll think, “Okay, well maybe they needed some space.” Then another day goes by and you don’t hear from them again. Now you’re starting to become a little bit worried.
Well, what typically is happening here is the ex has put up the emotional wall.
Why?
Well, typically speaking, when you’re really hot, they’re allowing themselves to be vulnerable. So when things are going well, they’re flirting with you, it seems like they’re kind of into you, they’re allowing themselves to be vulnerable, but when they become vulnerable, they get scared because they have past experience where you’ve maybe hurt them, or they are hurt by the breakup that they put this emotional wall up.
And then the emotional wall comes down and they get hot again, or they’re on the on again phase and the emotional wall comes down, they get afraid, the emotional wall goes up, rinse and repeat.
This is the hot and cold.
Now what’s interesting is a lot of times when you’re noticing that they’re hot and cold, or you’re noticing that they’re becoming distant in conversations with you, you’ll say, “Hey, are you okay?”
And they’ll simply reply, “I’m fine.”
They’ll become extra defensive when you call them out a little bit. These are the typical signs that someone has their emotional wall up.
There’s a lot going on internally when you notice an ex-boyfriend has their emotional wall up, but what’s important or what can maybe shed some light onto what’s going on internally is actually by understanding why they’re putting that emotional wall up.
Now, there are really two big reasons for why people or why exes will put up emotional walls.
Number one is it keeps people out, and number two is it protects them from being hurt.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizNow we’re talking about ex-boyfriends in this case, so most of the time when you’re encountering an ex-boyfriend who has an emotional wall up, it’s because they’re protecting themselves from being hurt by you.
You are the source of their pain.
When they think about you, and we see this a lot, even in social media, when they look at your social media posts, you’re posting something on Instagram, you’re posting something on Facebook, it hurts to look at that stuff because it reminds them of the good times that they had, and it reminds them of the pain and the emotional turmoil that they’re feeling currently.
So by putting up the emotional wall and keeping you at an arm’s length of distance, it protects them from being hurt, especially if you’re getting back in touch with them.
The other thing, or the other factor that I think is often lost on a lot of my clients is past experiences can sometimes inform their reality.
Let’s say that … and you’re going to find that this actually really, really plays into this a lot when we start talking about the attachment style tendencies and the self-fulfilling cycle tendencies.
But oftentimes, if you have dated an ex-boyfriend who has a lot of bad experiences with breakups, they will naturally assume that this breakup is going to be the same and they will naturally have their protective walls up. So those are basically the reasons.
So they want to keep people out and they want to protect themselves from being hurt, so it’s all about self-preservation. They look at you as the source of their pain. They won’t always look at you that way, but when you begin to get close to them, when they become vulnerable with you, they will look at themselves and protect themselves and put up that emotional barrier.
Why Looking At Attachment Styles Is A Good Idea To Understand Your Exes Emotional Wall
Now, where this gets really interesting is when we look at the attachment style of people who have emotional walls up.
Now we know from research that most of our clients have anxious attachment styles, so as you can imagine, most of the people that are coming to our website or watching our YouTube content or listening to our podcasts want their exes back, or they’re going through a breakup and have at least considered the idea of getting an ex back.
These are people who have anxious tendencies, because people who have secure tendencies tend not to think about getting their back.
They’re like, “Okay, cool. I will move on with my life. I’m too cool for school. I’m cooler than you.” That’s the way they have this internal swagger, this internal confidence.
Anxious people are the exact opposite.
They look at this relationship as if it’s the entirety of their world.
They don’t have a world outside of this relationship, and so they do everything they can to fix their world or fix the relationship.
This includes very anxious behaviors, like constantly blowing up an ex’s phone, nagging, which is going on to texting, showing up at their ex’s doorstep, sending their ex gifts, all sorts of the desperate behaviors are very anxious type of tendencies. But what’s interesting is when we actually do look at the research, most of the time our anxious clients have avoidant boyfriends.
Now, avoidants are kind of an interesting thing, because we’ve done most of our research when it comes to attachment styles on mostly anxious people and avoidant people, because those are the two most foremost types of attachment styles that we see at our coaching practice.
So what’s interesting about avoidant tendency people is, it really fits with the emotional wall.
A lot of the reasons or a lot of the times that an avoidant will push someone away, is if they feel themselves becoming too vulnerable, they really value their independence to a level that if they feel that their independence is becoming threatened, they feel like they need to do what they can to preserve that independence.
And sometimes when we become vulnerable and we become emotionally intimate with someone, we can honestly feel the pressure of expectation, specifically expectations of marriage, because some people look at marriage as this constraint on their lives.
And I know this is kind of a weird way of talking about it, but it does need to be talked about.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSomeone with an avoidant tendency does not look at marriage the same way as someone with a secure tendency, because someone with an avoidant tendency tends to see the cons of the marriage.
Well, if I am with this person, that means I have to move in with them, I have to live with them, that means I’m not going to have my own free time anymore, all of my time is going to be stretched out into this relationship. And this just becomes too much for them, and they actually have these really interesting anxiety ridden fears that are not true.
So the idea of just maybe getting married or the idea of being with someone where things began to get serious threatens the idea of marriage, they start to freak out and think all of these things that aren’t true or haven’t happened.
And what’s interesting about it is this is why they push you away, because they want to preserve themselves, they want to protect themselves, they want to keep you away so that their independence is preserved.
And what is cool about this is the avoidant person has the self-fulfilling cycle that they go through.
So a lot of times the biggest misconceptions that people have about people with avoidant tendencies is that they don’t want relationships.
That’s actually not true.
People with avoidant tendencies or people with an avoidant attachment style want a relationship, a loving, intimate relationship, arguably more than anyone else. They want the relationship so badly that they’re willing to get into a relationship with people, but they enter into this self-fulfilling cycle and they’re not even aware of it.
So they start out the cycle wanting a relationship super badly, so they find someone that they can have a relationship with, you. And they start thinking, “Wow, this is cool. I have this relationship, I feel really great,” this is the honeymoon period in action.
But what’s interesting is avoidant people tend to be drawn towards anxious people and anxious people tend to be drawn to avoidant people. That law of playing hard to get for the anxious attachment style. But when they’re with someone who has an anxious attachment style, the avoidant begins to realize, wait, this person is starting to ask for too much too soon.
Something as similar as even asking for a picture together can freak an avoidant person out, because the cause and effect or the causality of the situation makes them believe that you’re going to eventually ask for more.
So they start percolating this idea, this anxiety ridden fear pivots in their mind, and they first get the idea that they want to leave the relationship, but they’re too scared to do anything about it because they do care about your feelings, they’re not a monster.
And as they become more distant, as they begin to put those emotional walls up, someone with an anxious style tends to be really good at bomb sniffing, dogging this concept out. They notice their current boyfriend or girlfriend is becoming distant.
They’re hot and cold.
They’re becoming super defensive.
And this, in turn, just ends up freaking the avoidant out more, because as the anxious person feels like the avoidant is about to leave the relationship, they start pushing harder to fix things. This freaks the avoidant out because they feel more responsibility and end up finally leaving.
And then of course, they start thinking, “Well, why is this always happening to me?” And they kind of get down on themselves and ultimately leading to the beginning of the cycle, which is, I really want a relationship so badly. And they just rinse and repeat that concept.
So this leads us to our million dollar question.
How do you break down the emotional wall of someone who goes through this cycle?
How To Break Down Your Exes Emotional Wall
Well, there’s a lot of things you can do. I think the first thing really revolves around understanding the anxious and avoidant mentalities.
If you understand that you have anxious tendencies, you can work on those tendencies so that you are not appearing as anxious, and if you understand that your ex has avoidant tendencies, you can make sure behaviors are present that will not trigger avoidant tendencies, or you’ll figure out the language to speak to the avoidant person.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizSo just understanding the concept of anxious and avoidant mentalities will help you in your road.
Now I’m going to go out on a limb here and say most of the people reading this and are serious of getting their exes back, have anxious tendencies, they have anxious attachment styles. And that is the first place that you need to start when you’re looking at how to break down someone’s emotional wall. You start with it. This is kind of a weird thing, but you’re going to start with your time. So we notice that someone with an anxious attachment style tends to dedicate most of their time towards that romantic relationship.
So if you imagine, and this was an analogy given to me by a really, really smart woman named Antia Boyd, who I’ve done multiple interviews with, and I’ve done multiple webinars with and seminars with.
And her jam is attachment styles, and using attachment styles to help understand romantic relationships.
And she gave this analogy once, and I thought it was maybe the most brilliant thing I ever heard. Imagine that your time is like a cake and an anxious person, 70% of the cake is dedicated to their romantic relationship, whereas 30% of the cake is dedicated to all of the other areas of their life.
The smartest thing that you can do, if you find yourself any situation where you realize or recognize, hey, I have anxious tendencies and 70% of my time is spent worrying or trying to win back my ex-boyfriend, you need to shift that. Instead, you need to shift that to maybe 30%. So it needs to be the exact opposite of the ratio that you’re at now.
Most of your time literally needs to be spent on health, wealth, Magnum Opus ideals and relationships outside of your ex.
So 70% of your time needs to be focused on those four distinct categories.
So again, I’ll repeat health, wealth, relationships, and Magnum Opus, but the relationships aspect is only relationships outside of your ex. So, friends, family, even other romantic relationships with different partners. 70% of your time needs to be focused on those things, and then 30% of the time needs to be focused on your actual ex and the process of winning them back. Now, why? Why is this a good idea?
Well, because it signals to your ex, to your ex who has the emotional wall up, that you are no longer as obsessed about them as they would have you believe.
The other concept that I want you to understand is when you do get back in touch with an avoidant ex who has an emotional wall up, this is the principle you need to live your life by. When they pull back, you pull back.
Why?
Well, because it shows a maturity on your part, and it shows that you are different because in the past, when your ex has pulled back, what have you done? You have chased and tried to fix. That has not worked.
The often quoted Albert Einstein said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” Well, if you have chased your ex over and over again, and they’ve just avoided you more, put more of an emotional wall up, well, that approach isn’t going to work anymore.
What we’ve noticed is when you’re dealing with someone who has anxious tendencies, and you’re dealing with someone who has avoidant tendencies, when the avoidant pulls back, the anxious person should also pull back and give that avoidant person space, give them time to work through and realize, eh, I’m being ridiculous, and then they’ll come back. This is what secure attachment styles do. And the beauty of this is this all integrates with that cake analogy. So often times, you’ll have no problem pulling back in your romantic relationship a little bit if your ex pulls back, because you have all these other things on the cake that you can spend your time doing.
The final thing I want to talk about that you can do to break down your ex’s emotional wall is actually using the fear of loss. Now, I was actually trying to research for this specific topic. How do you break down an exes emotional wall? And one of the best places I always start is actually with real people, because I find sometimes if you go to Google and you type in, “Hey, how do you break down someone’s emotional wall?” And you try to find psychological research, it’s kind of bland, and it also doesn’t answer the exact question that you’re asking about.
So what I did is I went to our private Facebook support group. There’s over 6,300 people in there, currently, all of them going through breakups, some of them trying to get over their ex, some of them trying to get their exes back. And what’s interesting is literally today, there was a comment from someone who made a post in the Facebook group talking about the dumper’s experience. And it was fascinating to me because this girl ended up dumping her ex and putting up an emotional wall, it was just becoming too much for her. And so she broke up with her ex while he was on vacation. And what’s really interesting about the whole thing is that he came back from vacation and tried to win her back and tried to talk through things. And she almost gave in and said, “Yeah, I made a mistake.”
And what’s interesting is she went on and said that basically, the reason she did not admit that she made a mistake or took him back or anything was because she was having this huge internal turmoil. So one part of her just wanted to hug and kiss, forget any of it ever happened, let the nightmare end right there. But on the other hand, she was extremely scared and she was extremely emotional, and she was really frightened of things going bad a few more months down the road and she wanted to protect herself. So the prototypical, the emotional wall is up, she needs to protect herself. But it really wasn’t until she found out that he had someone new two months down the road, that her mindset shifted a little bit.
Now this is interesting, because I’m going to use her exact words here to describe what she felt when she saw the fear of loss at play.
“Well, it wasn’t until I found out he had someone new two months down the road. That day I received the news, I kept feeling something weird running down my spine. I tried to shake it off, but it kept piling. I only understood what that feeling was that night, when I finally got engulfed by it. It was the sense of loss. I only felt this sense of loss when I realized he was gone. So it’s true. We really need to evoke the sense or fear of loss in our ERP exes. If not, they wouldn’t budge. I’m not saying we got to find a rebound for that to happen, but we need to definitely evoke that fear in some ways.”
So as odd as it sounds, I think the best approach isn’t to go in the rebound, but I think it is to put forth signals that you are moving on. And this actually meets up with the literature and the psychological research, because what we know about people who have avoidant tendencies is that they don’t begin to miss you until they feel like you have moved on. And this is the case here with this woman. She didn’t feel like she lost her ex or missed her ex, until he had completely moved on to someone new.
And I think this is a lesson that we can all take, because you notice if you want to break down the ex’s emotional wall, a lot of the things that I’m instructing you to do, understanding the anxious versus avoidant mentality, make sure you have your time management skills so that the cake is not taken up directly by the romantic relationship, making sure that when they pull back, you pull back, making sure that you are instituting a fear of loss, however you’re doing that, are all things that indicate you are okay with moving on. And this is the key to breaking down an ex-boyfriend’s emotional wall.
Mady
October 18, 2021 at 11:07 pm
What does pulling back look like when you do get in contact again with an avoidant ex who seems to be acting hot and cold? Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 22, 2021 at 11:38 pm
Hey Mady, so pulling back would be less word count in the texts, longer time between replies and just a lack of interest in the conversation for a few days.
Sylvia
September 29, 2021 at 6:14 pm
Hi,
My ex and I broke up two months ago. We had a four month relationship. We were long distance for about 2.5 months of it because he had to go home for the summer overseas (we’re in college). We broke up because of arguments I started due to stress of long distance/general anxious attachment. After we broke up, I begged for one day but then went into a 35 day NC. When I returned to campus, I started to text him again. I met up to give back his things and had a heart to heart, and I brought up getting coffee to catch up, and he agreed. We matched on Tinder the next day, which was odd. I ran into him at a party and things seemed smooth, but he was the one who walked away. We made plans for coffee but he bailed last minute, and I told him its not a good move and if he doesn’t want to get coffee, just be honest. He freaked and said maybe its too soon to be friends and we can meet up later. I backed off for a week, and texted him again. He responded, bragging about his vacation he was going on and was using smiley faces, so I took it as a good sign and we talked about possibly meeting that weekend. I ran into him at a party and we were flirty, and I tried to confirm plans with him in person. The next day, when I texted him about it, he told me he thinks it would be weird to hang out alone and he is fine with only running into each other at parties with mutual friends. I texted him too much after that, trying to reason with him, which was a mistake. He called me needy. What should I do now? Is all hope lost? It has been a couple days and I have not contacted him, should I go into another 30 day NC or just give up? Our relationship was short, but as this article said, he was giving mixed signals.
Sylvia
September 29, 2021 at 1:28 pm
Hi,
My ex and I broke up 2 months ago. We dated for four months, and about 2.5 of those were long distance because we are in college and he went home for the summer overseas. We had some arguments during the relationship, I was too clingy and argumentative once the long distance started. I begged for him back one day after the break up then went 35 days no contact. I texted him a couple times and then returned his sweatshirt. We had a bit of a heart to heart and I asked him if he would like to get coffee, and he agreed. Fast forward the next few weeks, I bump into him at a party or two and we talk briefly, it goes well but he always walks away. I make plans to meet for coffee once and he bails last minute. I tell him if he doesn’t want to see me just say. He freaks and says maybe it’s too soon to be friends. I wait another week before contacting him. He acts fine, sending smiley faces. We discuss possibly meeting during the weekend. I run into him at a party and act flirty and try to confirm plans. The next day I ask him if coffee is still on, and he says he doesn’t want to hang, he is just fine running into each other. I go overboard with the texts after that, and he ends it with saying stop being so needy. What should I do? I can’t tell if I have no hope left or if I go into another NC it will be fine.
Angie
September 22, 2021 at 4:46 pm
Can you still start a no contact period now even after your ex has been dating someone right after the break up? It’s been some months now since the breakup. Is it less effective if the no contact period doesn’t start immediately after them dating? Can I just skip the no contact and just do the being there method since it’s been months now?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 23, 2021 at 4:30 pm
Hey Angie, yes you can follow the 45 days NC and then the being there method
Lilly
June 21, 2020 at 4:54 am
Hi,
I work at the same place but different department with my ex boyfriend. I break up with him 3 weeks ago because of he is emotionally unavailable. I said there is no point for me to stay around. So, I took all attention from him, I changed my break time that we see each other before. Now, he found out the time I am taking break and started to show up every day to see me. Seems like he wants to come back but can’t really say it. I want him back but I a don’t want him to be the same. If he comes to me, what should I tell him? I need your advise. Thank you
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 4, 2020 at 12:04 am
Hi Lilly, you need to work on your Holy Trinity and Ungettable, if your ex wants to get back together then I would explain how you felt in the last relationship and why you ended things. If things fall back into the old patterns then I would calmly point this out to him without causing a fight. But you also need to understand that this could be who he is in a relationship and may not ever change
Sandra
September 4, 2017 at 9:55 pm
He has built up an emotional wall since after we got back together from the nc. (He left me) He doesnt express his feelings for me at all verbally nor even says anything like he used too like making comments to me about how nice i look or anything. I get absolutely nothing now whereas before it was non stop complimenting me and saying i love you. I do give him compliments. Not sure what to do to get this aspect of our relationship back? He even commented he didnt like the way i kissed one night. Yikes. But we talk everyday and go out very regularly. Thanks!
EBR Team Member: Amor
September 7, 2017 at 8:35 pm
did you maintain your routine that you started in nc? are you maintaining having your own life?
Jessie
August 15, 2017 at 5:17 pm
Hi, I have a question. How do you make your ex boyfriend step up? My ex boyfriend is still attached to me, but since I cheated on him right nowwe’re just talking, (being open and communicatin better, listening to one another). But he’s emotional about his current girlfriend and me. He said he’s afraid that when she leaves he’s going to miss her. He misses me but he just wants to stay friends first, (not forever) so he can trust me again. So they fight and argue, he messages memail and says that he doesn’t know what to do. I tell him that if he’s not happy, and if he’s in pain he can end his relationship with her. But he’s still confused on what decision to make. His current girlfriend treats him badly, controls him and tells him what to do in the relationship. He’s getting tired of her arguing with him and everything. She wants to move out, but he’s afraid of missing her once she’s gone. I told him that he can’t see me and her at the same time. He hasaid a child with me. My ex is very emotional and hurt right now. MY QUESTION IS: How do I let him step up? Last year I went to him. This year I want him to realize that we have a child, and my son needs him as a father. I want to be there for him, but I also want him to step up and start making time to tell me that he still values me and everything.
EBR Team Member: Amor
August 15, 2017 at 10:37 pm
He’s not.. He just wants the best option for him and him alone.. He thinks about which choice he’s going to be happier, you think about how he’s going to be happier too..
Who thinks about your self respect?
If he wants you, he has to be a man and deserve you..
Dont make yourself as just “one of” his options. If you respect yourself enough, you know he shouldn’t even be thinking like that..
If he really loves the other girl, he has to man up and leave you.. If he really wants you, he has to man up and make it work with you..
Lily
May 21, 2017 at 9:50 am
My BF broke up with me 3 weeks ago right after I left home to come back to my home country for 3 months. One week before I left we argued because some small staffs and had a cold war for 3 days. However, we told each other we will try to work it out and build more mental connection even if he said he could’t see the future at that time. And then his family went to the town and we spent amazing weekend together. His reason for breaking up is because he always has the doubt about the future but he doesn’t know where the doubt come from , so he thinks it’s good for both of us to break up even if he still loves me and cares about me. I used no contact rule after I begged him and only after 3 days he contacted me first and asked how am I doing and showed me the new shoes he bought. And of course I replied… but I behaved really positive but he didn’t mention anything about getting back together…Now i don’t know what he means and what I need to do. I have to go back after 3 months and move my stuffs out of our apartment. Should I keep using no contact rule in these 3 months?
Lily
May 24, 2017 at 2:11 am
He just asked me how am I doing and showed me the new shoes he bought and said let him know if I need any help. However, he didn’t mention anything about getting back. And we already broke the nc rule only after 3 days. Should I keep using nc rule then? He’s so stubborn and he even couldn’t figure out the real reason to break up with me. Only because he had the feeling that the relationship probably won’t work out.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 24, 2017 at 6:33 pm
he’s trying to friendzone you because he’s still used to having you around and talking to you.. yes, you need to restart the count.
Lily
May 23, 2017 at 12:59 am
He asked me how am I doing and showed me the new shoes he bought and told me to let him know if I need anything or any help. It looks like we already broke the no contact rule in 3 days but he didn’t mention anything about getting back together. Should I keep ignoring him? I don’t know what he’s thinking about because he is the one who said he’s not sure whether we have the future or not and broke up with me.
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 22, 2017 at 7:38 pm
what he means about what? what did he say?
Anne
April 22, 2017 at 3:14 pm
recently I’ve been contacting my ex and I get the sense he’s trying to play it cool. He responds mostly with funny one liners, using emojis like and doesnt reply unless I ask a question and leaves me to do all the work. Is this a bad sign? I feel like hes being stubborn and trying to ‘win’ the game. I´m trying to be the ungettable girl but its difficult to talk about myself as he doesnt reply.
Erin P.
April 25, 2017 at 10:29 pm
Hi Amor,
What if I’m getting a similar attitude from my ex as Anne, but he posted this on Facebook?
“While slowly dropping fear and prejudice, I choose to pursue the person I love.”
And he even confirmed this the next time I saw him, teary-eyed, hugging me, telling me he misses me, and discussing a plan, albeit vaguely.
That was around the end of NC.
I think I might be texting him too often for his personality and not choosing the best conversational topics, but I fear he doesn’t want me around.
He shows signs of hoping I would text him (eg: answering almost immediately if it’s been almost 2 days since I contacted him; texting me goodnight when I don’t text him).
But otherwise he doesn’t initiate and he either playfully makes fun of me, gives me a lukewarm/one word response, or just disappears.
The last couple of times he tells me he was busy driving or hanging out with friends.
I waited & told him, “That’s fine, I really need to relax after my long wonderful exhausting day…”
Him:
(Why *three* thumbs up??)
Thank you so much, Amor.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 29, 2017 at 9:50 pm
HI Erin,
how is your situation now?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 25, 2017 at 4:33 pm
It’s ok to hang out if he initiated it..rest from initiating for now
Krista
April 22, 2017 at 2:13 am
Hi, I’m having what seems to be a unique situation. About six weeks ago me and my ex broke up over money. We had only been together for a couple of months when he asked me for $6,500 because he said his bank took the money out of his account by mistake. I lied and told him I would give him the money because I panicked. He came home from work as usual and I was at his house cleaning and he came to where I was and told me what had happened and like I said I panicked. A couple of days later I broke down and told him the truth and said that I didn’t feel comfortable giving him that kind of money because I didn’t know him that well. I should add that 3 days before this happened he told me that he was finally starting to he told me that he was falling in love with me and I told him that I felt the same way. For three days after we broke up he ignored my messages and then he finally started talking to me again and he talked about us hanging out and working things out in a few months when he got more financially stable. But then it seemed like he expected me to wait around for him to have time to hang out with me and I told him that I was not going to do that because I have a life too and not only that I’m not going to let him use me for sex period he said I will always appreciate what you did do for me and I hope you find love and happiness someday but I’m done with you. I responded with well I wish that we had never been together and you have more problems and I want to deal with so we don’t belong together anyway. I went 30 days no contact after that and I just completed it Tuesday so I texted him I was thinking about you today and it made me smile. I’m really glad you were in my life. Hope all is well and he wrote back thank you I’m glad we got to know each other better and I’m sorry things ended on such a bad note. I replied I’m sorry too and I hope things work out for you. He told me that he had court the next morning so he hoped it went well period the next day I asked him how court went and he said horribly and I said I’m sorry to hear that if you need to talk I’m here to listen and he wrote back thank you and I said well like I said I care about you and he wrote back you’re sweet. He’s been answering my text pretty fast. Finally I wrote him yesterday you no you can talk to me about whatever it is. He’s not quite opening up about everything that’s going on but he did say that he’s not ok but he’s keeping busy working. He didn’t respond to the last text that I wrote him and I haven’t texted him since yesterday and he has not attempted to contact me period I kind of feel like I messed up. Is there anyway I can start over in a way? Thanks.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 28, 2017 at 4:05 pm
Not really..he’s being honest that he misses you but that doesn’t mean he wants to go back with you..
Kamath
April 19, 2017 at 1:45 pm
Hey
Just a month back, my ex and I were really happy and everything was normal. One day I met this person who impressed me in the very first meeting. I went to see this person again the same week and I don’t know why but I lied about it to my ex. One day my ex (he wasn’t my ex then. We were still together) somehow ended up being at the same place where me and the new guy I met had gone for dinner and he (my ex) had called me a few minutes back asking where I was to which I lied again but he saw me with that new guy and got very angry. I was very disappointed and over texts my ex claimed that he lost trust in me. I thought that my ex will never come back to me anymore so I kept meeting that new guy I met. Eventually the new guy and I got physical (just once, it meant nothing, just casual, not romantic) and the next day i realized that I wasn’t being my sane self. I needed to get back my sanity. I was feeling very lonely which is when I realized what a horrible mistake I had done by leaving my ex and not even meeting him once and seeing what he was going through. I went to meet my ex, and he said he found out everything about me and the new guy, and I mean EVERYTHING! My ex has lost every bit of respect on me. He is terribly hurt and heartbroken. He said that what was so Important and close to his heart I took it for granted and went to another man. He has completely changed. He is no longer the guy who had fallen for me. He has become completely different and doesn’t even want to stay near to girls. He says he can’t find his old self anymore anywhere. I regret doing everything that hurt him. Is there a chance for reconciliation?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 26, 2017 at 1:46 pm
Hi Kamath,
check this one:
Fix Your Relationship If You Cheated On Your Ex Boyfriend Before Its Too Late (Video)
Nicole
April 18, 2017 at 7:20 pm
I left a comment but it disappeared. About my long distance relationship. My ex just told me last week he needs space and time to think. This all started after we got back from a wonderful vacation and he got bad news his company won’t be transferring him here to live anymore. He was devastated. But he’s always said that he wants to make us work regardless. He started getting very upset saying that I can do better and I don’t deserve someone that makes me cry even though it’s never been anything bad we just go through normal things. He’s expressed that whenever I voice concerns he feels like I’m criticizing him but that’s not the case. He wrote me a long message in the middle of the night saying he’s never been happier and I’m perfect and he has to let me go be happy. It doesn’t make any sense. Then he blocked me. In the morning he unblocked me and told me he just needs time to figure out a fix and if we move forward how to do that. But he won’t tell me what he thinks needs fixing or communicate anything with me. It’s so unlike him .. he is always so open and honest so what the heck?! After two days I just can’t wait around it kills me and he’s been ignoring me and I feel he’s just making an excuse. So I told him I’ll be here for him but I need to put an end to things to move on. He got very upset and said he couldn’t believe I would take him off fb and told me to grow up and then blocked me again ??? Like this was him choosing to shut me out. I don’t know where this came from but I wish he would realize he messed up. Do you think he just can’t do ld anymore? Or it’s me? Can I still get him back ?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 25, 2017 at 3:47 pm
You have to let go of trying to make him realize because you can’t control other people.. Either start no contact, heal and improve and then slowly rebuild rapport after while continuing to improve yourself or move on..
Nicole
April 18, 2017 at 12:01 pm
So me and my boyfriend are long distance and have amazing communication. He’s so sweet and caring and we just went on vacation. When we got back he got the news that his job won’t be transferring him here and he has fallen apart since. We have gotten distant and he has started getting depressed and telling me he has never been happier but I deserve better and all this. He blocked me, then told me he just needs space and time to think.. but won’t tell me WHY he needs time to think. Says we can’t move forward without a fix. But refusing to communicate with me. So unlike him. I am hurt and I can’t just wait around so I told him I have to move on but if he decides to talk I’ll be here for him and I removed him from social media as well. He responded by telling me I need to grow up and blocked me.. again. I’m very confused. Do you think he just can’t do long distance now that we know he isn’t moving here and just won’t tell me? I really only want closure and I would love him to realize he made a mistake and come back but it’s all so confusing.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 25, 2017 at 3:47 pm
You have to let go of trying to make him realize because you can’t control other people.. Either start no contact, heal and improve and then slowly rebuild rapport after while continuing to improve yourself or move on..
Sara
April 18, 2017 at 5:22 am
Will NC even work if your ex started to emotionally deatach from you while being in the relationship, and then suddenly break up and act cold and distant from one hour to another?
Been in NC for almost 3 weeks, broke it only to arrange around returning of items in a proffessional/non caring manner. He has not expressed or showed any kind of regret and answers in one word or one sentense kind of way even if there were no particular fight when breaking up. He is checking out my snapchat stories though, even if he doesn’t seem to snapchat people. But that is all. How long should I maintain NC? Or should I just give up?
Erin P.
April 25, 2017 at 10:09 pm
I am in a similar situation and NC definitely helped, so it might work.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 25, 2017 at 2:54 pm
Finish 30 days nc first and then continue improving yourself while building rapport..if it doesn’t work, move on
Sierra
April 14, 2017 at 8:40 am
Last year when my ex boyfriend broke up with me I didn’t fully understand why he did it. You see he completely blocked me out in every way possible and I didn’t do anything, our relationship wasn’t perfect however there was a lot of emotions. Until I reconnected with him I didn’t necessarily understand why we broke up and he gave me the answer without even saying anything he was emotionally unavailable and still was when we reconnected. He then wanted to be friends because he missed me but I didn’t want that I wanted to get back together or even see if we could get back together. I tried to be his friend but it was really hard and made me miserable I tried multiple times to walk away and then I finally just did that walked away I don’t regret it. However he’s still on my mind sometimes I wonder if maybe he’ll change his mind and make the changes he needs and grow up. The truth is I feel as if I lowered my standards to be with someone that wasn’t what I wanted in a man he was immature, selfish and had a whole lot of double standards. What can I do to keep my mind off of him
Sierra
June 21, 2017 at 2:06 am
Your right I do rush it a lot of the times because I felt like the reason he wasn’t committing was because he wanted to be with someone else I second guess his feelings for me at times now I know that he really does love me. I get worried because of all of those women he became friends with today he posted a picture of cartoon couples and it made me feel happy/sad because idk if he’s talking to someone else not that I can control that but it’s like if he was why would he unblock me thoughts like that run through my head when I see him doing stuff like that
Sierra
June 19, 2017 at 1:35 pm
So I felt like I waited enough and I messaged him on Facebook last night he hasn’t responded. I thought that because he unblocked me that may have meant he was done being angry but now I’m thinking maybe because I blocked him and took time to message him he may resent me now. Idk why would he unblock me if he didn’t still care?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 20, 2017 at 7:59 pm
If he really resents you, he wouldn’t have unblocked you.. but I think you jump in too early..it’s like he’s just starting to calm down but he’s not ready to talk to you yet
Sierra
June 18, 2017 at 3:15 am
Ok so how long should I wait to contact him? Or should I contact him at all? It’s already been 3 months since he blocked me
Sierra
June 16, 2017 at 12:43 am
Ok I just get real bad anxiety and I feel like that played a role last time cuz I feel as if I was so close to getting him to commit but I’m impatient and took it as an insult when he didn’t want to commit last time. When I think about it I had him around my finger but I was afraid that he was going to go back into his shell and maybe that was because I was trying to force it. After we broke things off the second time I started dating other guys and it I ran into some jerks but it made me see that my ex really did love me however he lives in the moment a lot of the times and it’s hard to know if we have a future even though we’ve talked about having a future together when we were dating. At times I feel like he’s changed for the worst I feel like he became friends with so many women on Facebook and before we were dating he didn’t do that until after the breakup does that mean that he’s trying to replace me?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 17, 2017 at 6:54 pm
yeah but that can be a good sign because that means he’s looking for a rebound
Sierra
June 13, 2017 at 9:47 pm
Ok good so my game plan is to wait it out for him to reach out first because I feel as if he is so used to me being the one iniating contact before I didn’t do that I reached out first I always do and before he says let’s be friends I say that to him first so he doesn’t think that what I want is a relationship what else should be part of my game plan? Any suggestions?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 14, 2017 at 4:46 pm
for now, just keep being ungettable.. continue on your activities
Sierra
June 10, 2017 at 6:38 pm
I found out last night after I unblocked him he unblocked me as well apparently before I did this time. I haven’t reached out to him. I feel that maybe now he did miss me cuz on his profile he is acting real sad what do you think?
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 13, 2017 at 4:38 pm
That’s good but observe more..let him act more because actions are more reliable than words
Sierra
June 8, 2017 at 11:54 pm
Ok that makes sense he has a history of saying things he doesn’t mean and I feel as if he may have broken up with me to control the relationship to comeback 4 months later. He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship when I pressured him about our future but the moment he found out I talked to another guy romantically he claimed we were working on getting into a relationship and got upset. Should I take what he says and does with a grain of salt? Because I’ve been living me life since the last time him and I spoke but now I’m giving in to lingering feelings and I don’t know if I should move on or try again from a far distance
Sierra
June 4, 2017 at 1:29 am
Hey amor,
It’s about to be the anniversary of me and my exes relationship and when he came back into my life last year I was more busy than when we actually dated when we dated I wasn’t working two jobs or in school so my time revolved around him and when we reconnected he said I liked the fact that you were clingy and I said that’s not healthy to constantly be caught in your relationship which is probably one of the reasons we broke up. It’s almost like he didnt like me doing things for myself and making him accept responsibility for his actions cuz I called him out countless times on his bullshit. I guess my question is if a guy doesn’t like his ex gf doing better things for herself what does that mean? Cuz it just felt like he wanted me to depend on him like before.
EBR Team Member: Amor
June 5, 2017 at 7:04 pm
it can mean a lot of things. He can be insecure, afraid, selfish or maybe you just dont communicate well but if you really love a person, you would want the best for them.
Sierra
May 17, 2017 at 9:09 am
I made the mistake of looking him up on Facebook. I started talking to someone and it didn’t end well and for some reason I looked up my ex boyfriend what does it mean? I don’t know why I felt a strong need to look him up but I feel as if I was doing so well and I took a big step backwards I didn’t reach out to him
EBR Team Member: Amor
May 19, 2017 at 7:22 pm
that’s normal.. you got curious.. at least you didn’t message him
Sierra
April 19, 2017 at 3:23 am
Right. I know that you guys advise to not block your ex however I did it because I wanted to avoid looking him up plus he blocked me after I had reached out to him. Now I’m wondering if it’s a bad thing that I have him blocked even though I don’t see a reconciliation because he’s way too stubborn and prideful to ever apologize for anything he’s done or said to me. Should I unblock him?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 25, 2017 at 6:21 pm
If it’s helping you to block him then block him so you can heal and improve
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 16, 2017 at 8:49 am
acknowledge and then just keep doing what you’re doing.. that’s normal because you’re moving on.. It’s one thing that he crosses your mind, it’s another if you always let it get to you.
sarah
April 10, 2017 at 1:15 am
My ex & I have been on and off very good friends for years, we have sex on occasion because I just cannot resist him I love him so much and would do anything for him and he knows it, but he has a wall specifically up for me. I want us to be as close as we were before but I just can’t get through that wall what an I doing wrong? I have even had several NC encounters and at first it seems to work, he seems very happy to see me and then, Bam, I will text him and I get absolutely no response from him until I just have to pop up on him again. Please help I feel he is my true love and I just want him back!
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 10, 2017 at 8:07 pm
I think you know the answer Sarah.. you need to stop sleeping with him and start valuing yourself.
AA
April 9, 2017 at 12:30 am
My ex fiancé and I were suppose to meet up after 6 months of breaking up but we didn’t cuz he had been overwhelmed with things that happened that week and he was going to have meetings all day that day and we agreed that the focus should be on us and nothing else.he said he’d reschedule but hasn’t. When I text him he responds quickly, positively and would send me videos of him doing things that I don’t ask for. Our texts aren’t all the time and it’s me engaging him into texting me. He has not once text me first. I ask if he’s seeing anyone his responses are IdK even though I knew he was. Recently he had told me that the things I said to him any other man would have blocked me/cut me out of their life. Why didn’t he cut me off is what I want to know and why doesn’t he know? He has his wall up i can tell and he’s a stubborn man and manly man where he wants no one in our business and telling him what to do. We haven’t talked about what happened with us and I found out from someone that he didn’t tell me stuff before our break up and I think if I knew that I wouldn’t have said the things I did. Our down fall was our communication I know. So what do I do? How do I get him to open up, see me to talk, find his feelings for me and break down that wall and forgive me?
AA
April 10, 2017 at 9:07 pm
So give up and walk away?? Even though I feel like he’s confused and says he has unanswered feelings and questions.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 11, 2017 at 9:48 pm
pulling away..like do an nc of at least 2 weeks or 3..
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 10, 2017 at 6:16 pm
I think you need to try the advice of pulling away
April
April 8, 2017 at 6:33 pm
My ex and I have been broken up for 3 months now. I’ve been focusing on myself and working on myself and accepted the breakup. While we were broken up we lived together up to two weeks ago. He blocked me on social media (we weren’t friends on it anyways since I deleted him) and he texted me some mean stuff saying how I was his big mistake and how I make him realize how easy it was to let me go. It was kinda out of nowhere that he said that stuff since we barely spoke with each other in the three months we were broken up. Basically got into a argument over text and I decided it was time for me to leave and I couldn’t live with that kind of energy in my life. Then a week ago he texts me that he is gonna charge me a extra month of utilities. Not paying for it tho. But I didn’t reply to his text since I’m doing the no contact over again. How do I build attraction if he blocked me on social media? And why is he acting the way he is?
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 10, 2017 at 5:55 pm
just keep posting and make the posts public.. probably to get your attention because ignoring him is working..
Vy
April 7, 2017 at 3:46 am
Is it possible to get an ex that has no feelings for you back? I mean, is there any way to make him love me again? I’m doing the NC, trying to improve myself. But I have a feeling my ex is glad to have broken up with me. He thinks breaking is a good idea,that he did me a favor, that he doesn’t want to continue loving me. He’s quite a stubborn and a busy man, and the last time we talked we actually said goodbye on mutual term (I said I still loved him, but goodbye) to each other and I agreed to not contact him. Will he ever think of waiting for me to text him first after NC ends? I’m having tough time breaking down his walls.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 8, 2017 at 4:18 pm
if he knows how much you love him, he’ll get curious why you’re being silent and not chasing either now or during building rapport.. so continue improving and posting.. nc is for you to heal and improve..if it doesn’t work at least you have done what you can in the proper way.
Rose
April 5, 2017 at 11:02 am
My ex boyfriend has dealt with depression the last few years, we have been on and off during this time. He broke up with me twice before because he didn’t know how he felt and I believe becaus we are both still young, wanted to see what else was out there. He came back and wanted a second chance and things were going great until he moved back home to where lie some bad memories. (Parents divorce) He has before told me he is going through an existential crisis. As soon as he moved back home he became very distant and irritable with me but seemed to be fine with everyone else. I felt like I had to break up with him as I couldn’t deal with being ignored, and because he didn’t seem to feel any remorse for how he had been making me feel. I tried to stay strong for him but how could I stay with someone who didn’t even want me around? I was making all the effort in the relationship and he would happily go weeks without saying a word to me. Whenever I would see him he would say he wanted to be with me but say nothing else about his feelings. If I tried to talk to him he would refuse and get angry. When i broke up with him 2 weeks ago he didn’t say a word and hasn’t spoken to me since then. This isn’t the person I know or fell in love with.