How Do I Break Down My Ex Boyfriend’s Emotional Wall?

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

Well, I’ve got bad news if you think you are going to break down anyone else’s emotional barriers. That kind of life change requires a willingness to change. And judging by the fact that he’s your ex makes me think that he’s probably not quite ready to make that leap.

Have you ever tried to tame a wild animal?

When I was little, my dad got me a pony.

No, I wasn’t some privileged brat. I just grew up on a farm in Texas.

Anyways, I have always been little. Even now I’m barely over five foot. All of our horses were waaaaay too big for me to ride. I mean, I was only about 7 or 8. So, my dad got a great deal on this little paint horse because she was completely wild and unbroken. She would get spooked so easily that, for the first month or two that we had her, she wouldn’t let anyone near her, let alone put a saddle on her.

But, because she was mine, it was my responsibility to figure it out. Now, I was pretty good with the bigger horses. They were used to me being around. They would let me bathe and brush them. They would even stand next to the gate so I could climb it and braid their manes. So, I was pretty frustrated that I couldn’t even get this pony to come when I called her. I would take a book out and sit by her feed trough every day for the first month that we had her. You have to realize for an impatient 7-year-old, a month is a ridiculously long time to wait.

So, there I was every day brushing the other horses, feeding them carrots, and leading them around the pasture to make sure they got enough exercise before I would sit down near the barn to read.One day, I had just sat down at the edge of the feed trough to read when I noticed that she was standing near me in the shade. It’s Texas it wasn’t unusual to see the horses go out of their way to find a shaded area. But she had never gotten so close. I mean, she was only like 10 feet away. That’s when I made my mistake. I stood up and tried to walk to her.

One day, I had just sat down at the edge of the feed trough to read when I noticed that she was standing near me in the shade. It’s Texas it wasn’t unusual to see the horses go out of their way to find a shaded area. But she had never gotten so close. I mean, she was only like 10 feet away.

That’s when I made my mistake. I stood up and held out one of the carrots I’d chopped for them. She flipped out and marched away. Everything in me made me want to follow her and make her let me feed her carrots. But I had watched my dad do this with the other horses a hundred times. If I tried to make her do what I wanted, she would be more afraid of me.

Instead, I sat back down and read a few chapters. Whatever I was reading must have been really good, because I didn’t even notice she’d come back till I felt her breath on my arm. It wasn’t just her. The other horses had come up to. They knew I had carrots for them.

I pretended I didn’t see them. It wasn’t until Gypsy, my mom’s horse who was about two feet taller than me, nipped my pocket and nearly tugged me off the fence that I even looked up. I took one of the carrot chunks out of my pocket and held it out in my palm with my hand flat like my dad had taught me when I was just a toddler so she wouldn’t accidentally get a finger instead of a carrot.

The whole time, my little paint was watching intently. I knew that if I waited she would come to me.I went back to reading. Sure enough, a few minutes later, I felt a

I went back to reading. Sure enough, a few minutes later, I felt a nose at my pocket. Horses are basically just really big dogs. They will do anything for a treat.

I held the carrot out just far enough so she would have to get closer. I did this without trying anything else every day for about a week.

One day, when she went to take the carrot, I reached out and pet her nose. She had grown to trust me.

It only took a few months for me to get her used to being around people. I could get her to wear a saddle and a bridle, but the biggest feat I didn’t have to put one on her. Before school, I would go out and feed them in my nightgown and a jacket and then ride her bareback around the pasture without reins, a saddle, or even shoes. She trusted me completely.

I used to be a personal assistant for a couple who had 6 dogs. I was with the dogs more than my bosses were. They had a second home in Belize. One of the dogs was a rescue from one of their vacations. He was homeless and was basically being beaten by the dock workers. My boss’ wife paid thousands of dollars to bring him back to the states.

He went through extensive abuse, but he was still so willing to be loved. Yet, he wouldn’t go down a dark hallway.

It was adorable. He would snuggle up with me on the couch for hours but when I went to my office he would sit right outside of the hallway right past where the shadow fell. He would move with the shadow. Oddly… his name was actually Shadow.

Strange right?

Anyways, people have similar animal instincts for self-preservation. We don’t trust just anyone. Especially, if we’ve experienced pain at someone else’s hand.

The Pleasure Principle

“The instinctual seeking of pleasure and avoiding of pain in order to satisfy biological and psychological needs.”

It is a natural instinct to protect yourself from feeling pain, both physical and emotional. Putting up emotional barriers does just that. You can’t force your ex to grow as a person, especially if you guys are already broken up.

However, what you can do is learn to be perceptive. You can’t push him to let you in, but you can pay attention to how he reacts to you when you feel yourself trying to get close. When you care about someone it’s natural to want to keep them close, create a bond. You want to know that he will never leave you and that you can trust him not to hurt you. Well, he’s doing the same thing by trying to keep you at arm’s length. That keeps him safe from being hurt, just like your desire to hold him close is meant to protect you.

Understanding that he most likely went through some serious emotional distress as a child or in other relationships if he’s protecting himself to the extent of avoiding making connections all-together is paramount. However, if he has no issues building new connections with new people, then it’s possible that he built that wall just for you. This leads me to wonder if there is possibly something unique to you that is making him see you as a threat. It doesn’t matter if you gave him cause or if it’s just in his head, you have to earn his trust. If you didn’t do anything to make him think this, then it’s possible that he’s just a jerk.

Trust me, I’ve dated my fair share of jerks. Letting someone get close doesn’t make him vulnerable it just makes you harder to get rid of. If you want to know what I’d do in that position, then I’ll tell you what I’ve done. I walked away. I would still walk away… every… single… time.

Why?

Well, there is no knocking down a wall that was built specifically to keep you out. At some point, you have to decide what you are willing to accept, especially if you want a future.

Getting Around the Wall

Let’s say that it’s not just you. Assuming he is having trouble connecting with everyone, there is still a course of action after you go through with No Contact, master texting, and land yourself a ticket back into the relationship ring.

Alter Your Response There is a generalization regarding women saying that we are prone to nagging. But, I’d be willing to bet that people, in general, are becoming more emotionally guarded with each passing generation. Although, if you are wanting him to let you past the walls he’s built, you are going to have to fight the urge to nag him about it.

When most women realize that their boyfriend is keeping them at bay, they generally go for the guilt approach. The “If you cared, you’d tell me how you feel,” approach.

Instead, fight the urge to pressure him at all. The better approach would be, “look, I know that you are dealing with something right now. You don’t have to talk to me about it, but I just want you to know that I’m here if you need anything.

Unconditional Love This means that you learn to overlook the wall and be there for him. If you love him no matter what, then that means even if he won’t let you love him the way you want to love him, by talking about your feelings.

Listen We he is finally ready to talk, I suggest you be ready to actually listen to what he has to say. Don’t read into what he says and hear what you want to hear.

Don’t Push He wasn’t going to let you get close before. Why would he start after some time apart? Even if he spent that entire time missing you and begging for you to come back, that isn’t going to rewire his brain even if you spent months apart. That kind of progress takes some serious growth and it will take more than a breakup to make that happen.

What now?

Basically, what I’m telling you is to be patient and give your ex some time to grow up and learn how to take down his own walls. But, what is important is that you set your limits. Know where your limits lie. Don’t just sit around and wait for his heart to grow three sizes. Know what you are and aren’t willing to accept.

Like I always say, take that time during No Contact and make yourself into the very best version of yourself. Set your life on the path to being what you need it to be to grow as a person. I think you will find that, once you do that, you won’t stand for anything less in a relationship than you deserve, even if you love him with every fiber of your being.

Self-respect goes a long way. In this case, it will save you years of wasted energy spent on someone who clearly doesn’t want you close enough to hurt him, then you can’t get close enough to get the love you want from him.

So, what you should do is work through the full program, then, once you get him back, be patient and understanding as long as you are willing to and no longer!

Along with every other woman who comes to us to help them get their ex back you deserve to be with someone who appreciates the love you have for them to its full extent.

As I said earlier, as a child I was smaller than everyone my age. Most of my friends were bigger than me. And me, being my feisty self, would play fight with those friends. Almost every time I would end up with their palm on my forehead as I would try desperately to hit them as they held me just out of reach.

That’s basically what people who are emotionally unavailable do to the people who want to be close to them. The only way to get out of that situation is to back up.

See what I’m getting at?

Why Pulling Away Works

Don’t worry we’re not done yet.

The time during No Contact gives your ex an opportunity to miss you. When he reaches out and you don’t respond, he’ll wonder if you could possibly be doing something interesting without him or if you are seeing someone new. That curiosity is what you are going for. Don’t give in when he texts you. Let him wonder what it is that’s keeping you occupied.

In that time, you get the choice to make yourself and your life into whoever and whatever you want. take the chance to improve both since you can be sure that once you peaked his interest he hit up your Facebook and Instagram.

You take this step back and his curiosity will have him stepping up to get you back.

Once he steps up, you need to get him to invest in getting you back. Don’t just fall into his lap swooning or he won’t value having you back.

If you keep stepping back, making him step up, he’ll be more likely to let that wall fall down. Better yet, he might even start taking it down brick by brick with his own hands.

The more you make him step up, the more he’ll value your relationship once you get him back.

So, step back and let him come to you.

March 28, 2017

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

Take 4 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Your Chances!

What Do You Think? (38)

  1. Anne - 0

    Anne

    recently I’ve been contacting my ex and I get the sense he’s trying to play it cool. He responds mostly with funny one liners, using emojis like and doesnt reply unless I ask a question and leaves me to do all the work. Is this a bad sign? I feel like hes being stubborn and trying to ‘win’ the game. I´m trying to be the ungettable girl but its difficult to talk about myself as he doesnt reply.

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      It’s ok to hang out if he initiated it..rest from initiating for now

  2. Kamath - 0

    Kamath

    Hey

    Just a month back, my ex and I were really happy and everything was normal. One day I met this person who impressed me in the very first meeting. I went to see this person again the same week and I don’t know why but I lied about it to my ex. One day my ex (he wasn’t my ex then. We were still together) somehow ended up being at the same place where me and the new guy I met had gone for dinner and he (my ex) had called me a few minutes back asking where I was to which I lied again but he saw me with that new guy and got very angry. I was very disappointed and over texts my ex claimed that he lost trust in me. I thought that my ex will never come back to me anymore so I kept meeting that new guy I met. Eventually the new guy and I got physical (just once, it meant nothing, just casual, not romantic) and the next day i realized that I wasn’t being my sane self. I needed to get back my sanity. I was feeling very lonely which is when I realized what a horrible mistake I had done by leaving my ex and not even meeting him once and seeing what he was going through. I went to meet my ex, and he said he found out everything about me and the new guy, and I mean EVERYTHING! My ex has lost every bit of respect on me. He is terribly hurt and heartbroken. He said that what was so Important and close to his heart I took it for granted and went to another man. He has completely changed. He is no longer the guy who had fallen for me. He has become completely different and doesn’t even want to stay near to girls. He says he can’t find his old self anymore anywhere. I regret doing everything that hurt him. Is there a chance for reconciliation?

    Reply
  3. Nicole - 0

    Nicole

    I left a comment but it disappeared. About my long distance relationship. My ex just told me last week he needs space and time to think. This all started after we got back from a wonderful vacation and he got bad news his company won’t be transferring him here to live anymore. He was devastated. But he’s always said that he wants to make us work regardless. He started getting very upset saying that I can do better and I don’t deserve someone that makes me cry even though it’s never been anything bad we just go through normal things. He’s expressed that whenever I voice concerns he feels like I’m criticizing him but that’s not the case. He wrote me a long message in the middle of the night saying he’s never been happier and I’m perfect and he has to let me go be happy. It doesn’t make any sense. Then he blocked me. In the morning he unblocked me and told me he just needs time to figure out a fix and if we move forward how to do that. But he won’t tell me what he thinks needs fixing or communicate anything with me. It’s so unlike him .. he is always so open and honest so what the heck?! After two days I just can’t wait around it kills me and he’s been ignoring me and I feel he’s just making an excuse. So I told him I’ll be here for him but I need to put an end to things to move on. He got very upset and said he couldn’t believe I would take him off fb and told me to grow up and then blocked me again ??? Like this was him choosing to shut me out. I don’t know where this came from but I wish he would realize he messed up. Do you think he just can’t do ld anymore? Or it’s me? Can I still get him back ?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You have to let go of trying to make him realize because you can’t control other people.. Either start no contact, heal and improve and then slowly rebuild rapport after while continuing to improve yourself or move on..

  4. Nicole - 0

    Nicole

    So me and my boyfriend are long distance and have amazing communication. He’s so sweet and caring and we just went on vacation. When we got back he got the news that his job won’t be transferring him here and he has fallen apart since. We have gotten distant and he has started getting depressed and telling me he has never been happier but I deserve better and all this. He blocked me, then told me he just needs space and time to think.. but won’t tell me WHY he needs time to think. Says we can’t move forward without a fix. But refusing to communicate with me. So unlike him. I am hurt and I can’t just wait around so I told him I have to move on but if he decides to talk I’ll be here for him and I removed him from social media as well. He responded by telling me I need to grow up and blocked me.. again. I’m very confused. Do you think he just can’t do long distance now that we know he isn’t moving here and just won’t tell me? I really only want closure and I would love him to realize he made a mistake and come back but it’s all so confusing.

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You have to let go of trying to make him realize because you can’t control other people.. Either start no contact, heal and improve and then slowly rebuild rapport after while continuing to improve yourself or move on..

  5. Sara - 0

    Sara

    Will NC even work if your ex started to emotionally deatach from you while being in the relationship, and then suddenly break up and act cold and distant from one hour to another?

    Been in NC for almost 3 weeks, broke it only to arrange around returning of items in a proffessional/non caring manner. He has not expressed or showed any kind of regret and answers in one word or one sentense kind of way even if there were no particular fight when breaking up. He is checking out my snapchat stories though, even if he doesn’t seem to snapchat people. But that is all. How long should I maintain NC? Or should I just give up?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Finish 30 days nc first and then continue improving yourself while building rapport..if it doesn’t work, move on

    • Erin P. - 0

      Erin P.

      I am in a similar situation and NC definitely helped, so it might work.

  6. Sierra - 0

    Sierra

    Last year when my ex boyfriend broke up with me I didn’t fully understand why he did it. You see he completely blocked me out in every way possible and I didn’t do anything, our relationship wasn’t perfect however there was a lot of emotions. Until I reconnected with him I didn’t necessarily understand why we broke up and he gave me the answer without even saying anything he was emotionally unavailable and still was when we reconnected. He then wanted to be friends because he missed me but I didn’t want that I wanted to get back together or even see if we could get back together. I tried to be his friend but it was really hard and made me miserable I tried multiple times to walk away and then I finally just did that walked away I don’t regret it. However he’s still on my mind sometimes I wonder if maybe he’ll change his mind and make the changes he needs and grow up. The truth is I feel as if I lowered my standards to be with someone that wasn’t what I wanted in a man he was immature, selfish and had a whole lot of double standards. What can I do to keep my mind off of him

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      acknowledge and then just keep doing what you’re doing.. that’s normal because you’re moving on.. It’s one thing that he crosses your mind, it’s another if you always let it get to you.

    • Sierra - 0

      Sierra

      Right. I know that you guys advise to not block your ex however I did it because I wanted to avoid looking him up plus he blocked me after I had reached out to him. Now I’m wondering if it’s a bad thing that I have him blocked even though I don’t see a reconciliation because he’s way too stubborn and prideful to ever apologize for anything he’s done or said to me. Should I unblock him?

    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      If it’s helping you to block him then block him so you can heal and improve

  7. sarah - 0

    sarah

    My ex & I have been on and off very good friends for years, we have sex on occasion because I just cannot resist him I love him so much and would do anything for him and he knows it, but he has a wall specifically up for me. I want us to be as close as we were before but I just can’t get through that wall what an I doing wrong? I have even had several NC encounters and at first it seems to work, he seems very happy to see me and then, Bam, I will text him and I get absolutely no response from him until I just have to pop up on him again. Please help I feel he is my true love and I just want him back!

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I think you know the answer Sarah.. you need to stop sleeping with him and start valuing yourself.

  8. AA - 0

    AA

    My ex fiancé and I were suppose to meet up after 6 months of breaking up but we didn’t cuz he had been overwhelmed with things that happened that week and he was going to have meetings all day that day and we agreed that the focus should be on us and nothing else.he said he’d reschedule but hasn’t. When I text him he responds quickly, positively and would send me videos of him doing things that I don’t ask for. Our texts aren’t all the time and it’s me engaging him into texting me. He has not once text me first. I ask if he’s seeing anyone his responses are IdK even though I knew he was. Recently he had told me that the things I said to him any other man would have blocked me/cut me out of their life. Why didn’t he cut me off is what I want to know and why doesn’t he know? He has his wall up i can tell and he’s a stubborn man and manly man where he wants no one in our business and telling him what to do. We haven’t talked about what happened with us and I found out from someone that he didn’t tell me stuff before our break up and I think if I knew that I wouldn’t have said the things I did. Our down fall was our communication I know. So what do I do? How do I get him to open up, see me to talk, find his feelings for me and break down that wall and forgive me?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I think you need to try the advice of pulling away

    • AA - 0

      AA

      So give up and walk away?? Even though I feel like he’s confused and says he has unanswered feelings and questions.

    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      pulling away..like do an nc of at least 2 weeks or 3..

  9. April - 0

    April

    My ex and I have been broken up for 3 months now. I’ve been focusing on myself and working on myself and accepted the breakup. While we were broken up we lived together up to two weeks ago. He blocked me on social media (we weren’t friends on it anyways since I deleted him) and he texted me some mean stuff saying how I was his big mistake and how I make him realize how easy it was to let me go. It was kinda out of nowhere that he said that stuff since we barely spoke with each other in the three months we were broken up. Basically got into a argument over text and I decided it was time for me to leave and I couldn’t live with that kind of energy in my life. Then a week ago he texts me that he is gonna charge me a extra month of utilities. Not paying for it tho. But I didn’t reply to his text since I’m doing the no contact over again. How do I build attraction if he blocked me on social media? And why is he acting the way he is?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      just keep posting and make the posts public.. probably to get your attention because ignoring him is working..

  10. Vy - 0

    Vy

    Is it possible to get an ex that has no feelings for you back? I mean, is there any way to make him love me again? I’m doing the NC, trying to improve myself. But I have a feeling my ex is glad to have broken up with me. He thinks breaking is a good idea,that he did me a favor, that he doesn’t want to continue loving me. He’s quite a stubborn and a busy man, and the last time we talked we actually said goodbye on mutual term (I said I still loved him, but goodbye) to each other and I agreed to not contact him. Will he ever think of waiting for me to text him first after NC ends? I’m having tough time breaking down his walls.

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      if he knows how much you love him, he’ll get curious why you’re being silent and not chasing either now or during building rapport.. so continue improving and posting.. nc is for you to heal and improve..if it doesn’t work at least you have done what you can in the proper way.

  11. Rose - 0

    Rose

    My ex boyfriend has dealt with depression the last few years, we have been on and off during this time. He broke up with me twice before because he didn’t know how he felt and I believe becaus we are both still young, wanted to see what else was out there. He came back and wanted a second chance and things were going great until he moved back home to where lie some bad memories. (Parents divorce) He has before told me he is going through an existential crisis. As soon as he moved back home he became very distant and irritable with me but seemed to be fine with everyone else. I felt like I had to break up with him as I couldn’t deal with being ignored, and because he didn’t seem to feel any remorse for how he had been making me feel. I tried to stay strong for him but how could I stay with someone who didn’t even want me around? I was making all the effort in the relationship and he would happily go weeks without saying a word to me. Whenever I would see him he would say he wanted to be with me but say nothing else about his feelings. If I tried to talk to him he would refuse and get angry. When i broke up with him 2 weeks ago he didn’t say a word and hasn’t spoken to me since then. This isn’t the person I know or fell in love with.

    Reply
  12. Nicole - 0

    Nicole

    Hello,
    So my ex boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago and since then he sends messages asking how I am and I ignore them….he even sent multiple messages showing jealously…I ignored….3 days ago he said “we need to talk” I ignored….yesterday he said “hi are u there…answer me please” he even updated his whatsapp status with messages directed to me…. today I gave in and replied “what do u wanna talk about” and he ignored me. What should I do?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Nicole,

      restart the count of nc, and stick to it.

  13. Maya - 0

    Maya

    Hi Amor, my ex dumped me a few months ago because i was needy and insecure, and then after no contact i messed up by trying to guilt trip him through texts, he blocked me on whatsapp, unfriended my snapchat, but he still follows my instagram, but he hides his instagram stories from me (i use my friend’s instagram account to look at her stories) not only that but he also hides his instagram stories from my sister who happens to follow him, what does his behavior mean i don’t get it ? why didn’t he just block my instagram altogether?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Maya,

      maybe he doesn’t want to cut all contact risky because he’s open to being friends someday

  14. Martha - 0

    Martha

    How do you know if the wall is specifically built for you or if it’s just a wall for anyone who wants to get close to them?

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      How is he with everyone else besides you?

    • Martha - 0

      Martha

      He has friends and is communicative at work as far as I know.
      He will go out with friends occasionally. He is very good at small talk, but he will not have a deep conversation about how he feels with anyone but himself.
      He started to get close to me again and i felt he was stsrtunf to trust me with talkung about his depression… his Mum and i are the only people that knkws and he talks to us about it.
      Right near the end he even cried on my shoulder. He Is a very private person. He lost his Dad as a child. I think that caused issues he is unwilling to accept.
      He also had an ex that He really loved and it all got a bit messy with her cheating on him.

    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      can be.. but he’s not really an extreme version..most of us are actually like that, especially guys..

  15. Jenny - 0

    Jenny

    My boyfriend broke up with me about 2 months ago. It was completely out of the blue and he said after his train wreck of a breakup about a year previously he just wanted to be single, despite the fact that he and I had been dating for a month and everything was great. The day he broke up with me we were out with a friend and she even commented on how happy we looked. I did no contact for over a month, during which time he kept apologising and desperately wanted to be close friends again. Weve since hung out a few times, and while he keeps reiterating how nice it is to see me again, he always offhand brings up the fact that we’ve dated. Is this a sign that he still cares? We’ve had a few moments but I’ve made it clear I will be keeping my distance from him. I’m thinking of moving in the next 6 months and the other day he was jokingly saying I should stay because of him. However, in the past I used to casually date a friend of his and he did take some time to get past that fact. Can I get him back? It’s nice that we’re friendly again but I do miss him

    Reply
    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Jenny,

      move in where? If you keep building rapport and attraction, there’s a chance you can get him back.

    • Jenny - 0

      Jenny

      Sorry, moving across country. He had me over for dinner a few nights ago and nothing happened, but since then he’s dropped a few jokes about sleeping together (he broke up with me before we slept together) and even today mentioned it without it being a joke. How do I prevent this from becoming a friends with benefits situation?

    • EBR Team Member: Ashley - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      dont move just for him.. just dont sleep with him…either be cheeky or serious when saying no.. like,
      hmm..

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