What Your Ex Boyfriend Is Thinking During The No Contact Rule

546 thoughts on “Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule”

Flo

November 18, 2018 at 1:03 pm

Hello Chris,
I did a week of no contact two weeks after he moved out to live with his parents, and after that week had passed he started texting once everyday. On the 7th day he called 3 times different hours asking me if I was alive? Or ok… I didn’t want to just disappear or become a ghost, nor did I want him to show up at our apartment. I responded very cut and dry “Needing some quiet time in my life to reflect on things and focus on my healing. I’m ok….”, he texted me the next day “no problem, Sorry for my insistence I was in the area and wanted to stop by and shower perhaps eat something (he had gotten out of work, and was heading to nursing school in Miami (reason for wanting to shower)). This had happened once before …I let him in, and we became intimate. That is when I started the NC rule. I did not want this to happen again… by messaging him did I break the NC rule? We’ve known each other for 5 yrs and out of those years lived together for 4 years… I have not contacted him since last message nor did I reply to the last message he sent about wanting to stop by again…

Chris Seiter

November 18, 2018 at 7:27 pm

Hi Flo!

Well, you do get more out of NC when you let it build slowly and also when you do the things within NC to optimize its advantages.

Mary

October 26, 2018 at 8:42 pm

Hi chris,
I am in the NC period and my ex contact me after 14 days, and he want to talk to me. I answer and tell him that i am in hurry and if is something important that he want to say a will listen to him. He aksed me, when will we go on that trip we plan to go together, and i say that i dont know and tell him, i am sorry but i have to go, can i call you later, and he went silent and i repeat to him i will call you later. I didnt call him, and it was 4 days ago. We broke up because he act childish, and non stop insist to talk with me but when i tell him, we talk more than 1h, insted we see each others, he tell that he is tired and so on.. and after 20 days of talking and not seeing i told him that i cant be in this kind of relationship and this has no sense to me. And that is the day when i go for NC rule. What are you think, does he miss me and want me back, and is he ready to change and fullfild my needs? I dont understand him at all.

Chris Seiter

October 27, 2018 at 1:06 am

Hi Mary!

Yep…some guys will act immature and childish. I think NC is the right medicine. Fee free to tap my website as I have a lot of information about NC in the form of eBooks, etc!

Candace Willard

October 14, 2018 at 11:07 pm

To my long comment below…

Hey again! Improving?? He hasnt talked to me more than a hi at work in over a month… I feel more confused than ever! To call me over to talk to him and someone else?! I mean… idk what he expected me to do? Since were not friends.. like I said we havent talked since the break up.. u dont think hes just playing games?

Chris Seiter

October 15, 2018 at 3:06 am

Hi Candace!

Probably best to focus on your own healing right now which will help you with managing better whatever ex recovery plan you choose to implement.

Sindi

October 14, 2018 at 3:06 pm

Hi Chris. My boyfriend told me we need to take a break. It’s 3rd day now and I’m really dying to know whether he is going to contact me or not, and when. Do you think giving his the space he wanted will make him want to come back to me. Confused.

Chris Seiter

October 14, 2018 at 9:10 pm

Hi Sindi!

So I hope you are following my program. Pick up my eBook and make sure you know how the NC process works.

Candace Willard

October 14, 2018 at 5:15 am

I cant find any of my comments! 🙁

Chris Seiter

October 14, 2018 at 9:35 pm

Ummmm, not sure where they went Candace!

Candace

October 14, 2018 at 5:03 am

Hey Chris.. I cant find my original comment… but i gave u a lot to think about about a week ago.. my ex was the one who lost his son a cple years ago in a car accident and we work together Since that comment, I have found out from ppl at work that my ex broke up with me because of his personal stuff.. that it wasnt me.. ok.. well on Friday nights I been painting the town with my cousin..and dressing my best even at work (I dont have a dirty job so I can) and I leave right after work which is 1130pm..anywho Friday I wore a brand new outfit and caught him glancing several times..and I was getting the hellos and smiles and stuff..I keep it friendly at work..but have stopped texting him btw.. well tonight were up in the parking lot at break (well I snuck out), and he was out there talking to one of the girls who work there….. he goes Candy..i turn around and he says u can come over here..i dont bite and i turned back around..and hes just giggling.. so I turned around again and hes like kind of waving me over and he said you can come over I said I know I can..so then I went to put my cig out and i said now I’m out of here..and hes like you’re leaving early???!!! I said no I snuck out for a cig… hes like oh ok.. then once inside he calls me over to show me his new tat..I said oh that’s cool..hope ur putting aquaphor on it..hes like no they said a and d I said well they are stupid..cause its aquaphor that keeps it moisturized and you can buy it at the dollar gentral for 5 bucks (he always thought it was funny I called the dollar general that) and he repeated it, laughed. I smiled he says I’m getting another one in 2 weeks..I was like nice and walked away..THEN he said nothing the other 2 times he saw me! Wth was that?

Chris Seiter

October 14, 2018 at 9:37 pm

Seems like things are improving.

Pennie

October 13, 2018 at 4:41 pm

Dear Chris thanks for your sincere workable advice, this is my concern I broke up with my Ex yesterday over text coz I was very angry with him for not calling for 2days, what actually pissed me off is when I asked him why he just told me not to mind about that, I should know he is always thinking about me and he loves, I took it that he didn’t care and may be he didn’t contact because I’m not his priority, I quarreled and cancelled the call then I sent him a text saying its over, he didn’t reply, he hasn’t yet called even, what should I think now, I’m feeling so bad, we have been together for a month

Chris Seiter

October 14, 2018 at 9:50 pm

Hi Pennie!

Your ex needs to learn to treat you with kindness and pay attention to your needs. A little break will do you both good.

Mel

October 12, 2018 at 10:52 am

Hi Chris, I’ve been with my love for 10 months and we are both in Australia alone just have each other. I am about to be 26 and he’s soon to be 28. We’ve lived together since the beginning and we’ve been through ALOT together. I love him so much but I had to leave him due to him still being on dating apps, testing other girls and even almost going to meet them. He swears to god he loves me and I know that for a fact due to some of his reactions towards some situations.

We moved to a new city (took a 27-hour drive up north and he took weeks to fix the car) for my visa stuff and he left his job, friends and all to move here with me. He said if he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t do that. I know he’s online looking for girls and last time I saw him at the bar trying to talk to someone. I am very heartbroken and have been trying to talk to him about it and told him it hurts me many times, cried many times and he would hug me and say he only loves me and that all of that means nothing to him. Last time I was so upset, i took the car and drove off and he texted me ‘I love you more than anything, thats true. I dont know why I do that stupid shit, but trust me theres nothing wrong with you’.

Anyways, he said he wants to stop doing that and he promised he will work on it, but no change. I packed my bags on Monday morning, left him a note that he hurt me and I cant do this anymore but that I do love him and I wish him the best. I left, he was still sleeping.

I am on NC day 5 now. So far, he has called me about 6 times altogether. Day 1: He tried ‘to be nice’ to me, by saying he has some money and if i need any he can give me, I didnt respond. Also called me I didnt respond. Day 2: I posted on FB that I am sick and he said if I need anything to let him know. Day 3:He called me twice. I didnt respond of course. Then day 4, he said that I have his medical card and its in my bag and he needs to go to the hospital because he might of dislocaked his sholder.I didnt have the card actually, it was with him in the room in a very evident spot, so must be lying..I didnt respond to his text, then he called 3 times and then texted ‘Thanks I hope you are having a good time’…. My friend is in the same hostel with him and said hes always alone now and not very social like usual, just by himself on his phone and that he looks sad, but tries to hide it.

Now today day 5.. he havent reached out to me yet. Maybe since its friday after he drinks tonight he will try again.. I dont know what to do, because he is all about challenge and competition as you mention. I think now hes in the angry phrase. Please tell me your thought and how long I should do NC for? Also I read the article but didnt undertsand when is that thought that they had ‘lost me forever’.. is that at the end of the NC..or in the middle..so I know when to act. Also, in the articles ‘the texts’ you show us are not visable.. I dont know why but I cant see them. Maybe you can email me the article and that would clear things up..Please let me know if I have a chance of getting him back. I know I left but I had no choice. I love him and we even talked about rings, future, kids..

Thank you

Chris Seiter

October 13, 2018 at 2:16 am

Hi Mel!

Best to stay with your NC as planned. But give him a heads up that you are in a quiet period. You can say: “ I’m taking some time for myself to heal and take stock of things. Just wanted you to know why I won’t be available or communicating for some time. There are some exceptions when you can end things sooner. Take a look at pick up my 247 page eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” as I cover all of this in detail!

Daisy

October 5, 2018 at 7:48 pm

What if he knows you’re doing no contact because an idiot friend told him? By the way greattttt article.

Chris Seiter

October 5, 2018 at 8:53 pm

Hi Daisy!

It doesn’t matter. He probably suspected it. He just doesn’t know quite how it will all unfold and the psychological principles can still put a grip on his mind.

NN

October 5, 2018 at 4:23 am

Hi Chris,

I’ve been in a relationship for a year, and has been broken up for 5 months. During that 5 months, my ex always come to me, chat me, and even drunk twice and come to see me.
He said he scared he can’t get away from me.
Actually I do no contact rule for now, and already in day 16th.
He already send me a message once, but i ignore him.
Do you think this NC will work?
I do really wish able to get him back.

Thank you 🙂

Chris Seiter

October 5, 2018 at 9:56 pm

Hi NN!

I do think NC holds promise. I talk about how NC can help you in so many ways and how to maximize its use in my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”. So take a look at that if you need a Companion Guide.

Helpless

September 17, 2018 at 9:56 am

Hi, after two years of long distance relationship he broke up by ignoring me. I came to see him and he ignored me, and finally he said that he doesn’t want contact with me because he thinks that I manipulated him for two years and that this is it. I tried to contact him (calls, texts, WA,..he didn’t open even one text) next 10 or 15 days. He ignored me again. I stopped. Day 11 and I still didn’t contact him. What should I do? P.S.I’m 100% confused because I have never manipulated and I have no idea what’ş going on. We fight a lot during those two year but treatment like this I don’t understand. Couple of days before break up he said „I told you that I will never break up with you“ (I didn’t ask him even). Is it possible that this is just excuse and that he stopped because of something else? I still love him. What should I do? Thank you.

Chris Seiter

September 17, 2018 at 9:24 pm

Hi Helpless!

So its time to stop being Helpless! I have a ton of resources here on the site that can help you. You should consider No Contact and focus on your on healing

D

September 15, 2018 at 9:23 pm

Hey Chris I have a pretty unique situation. Me and my ex were together for 6 years. We hardly fought about anything. 4 years ago his brother died and he changed a bit….a year after that he broke up with me then we got back together 2 months after. recently his other brother(only one left) committed suicide and immediately moved in with his mom and started to distant himself from me and eventually broke it off saying he couldn’t give me what I wanted and got the rest of his stuff from our place and took it to his moms. I’m devastated and confused. Everyone is! Even his friends. I just don’t know what to do or think anymore. What should I do?
simran

September 2, 2018 at 9:34 am

Hi Chris
while i am following the no contact rule, he has actually called me twice, on the last call i told him that i needed sometime and i will contact you once i know i am ready. i also mentioned that i need to get over all that has happened.
during the relationship if we ever had a fight we would resolve and move forward the same day itself. we have never stayed out of contact more that 12 hours or so in the 5 year relationship. i am on the 5th day of the no contact rule and this is my 2nd try at it. i am very sure i will be able to get through 30 days of no contact.
but after the last conversation we had i am wondering will it still work?? will he still be missing me and feel the void of is he going to just think that i am just taking some time off.
And to add on to the information, he is a stubborn and an introvert person. he used to only open up to me about most of the things in his life.

Chris Seiter

September 2, 2018 at 8:31 pm

Hi Simran….I am glad you are NC. Given your relationship history as a couple, you might want to employ a shortened no contact approach. The idea is you both probably need time to clear your heads and recover from the chaos of the breakup, but if his communications he leaves you are positive, it may be appropriate to end no contact and try to rebuild some trust.

Maria

August 31, 2018 at 6:04 am

Hi, I am a 27 year old female and I met a guy on Tinder who is 33 and we have dated for about 4 months. We started off at a slow, steady pace, and our relationship prospered beautifully. We texted every day throughout the 4 months. We went on several dates, such as walks at the park, dinners, visit wineries, etc. From the start though, our relationship was a bit rocky due to life circumstances. About 1 month in, he had gotten a new job in a new city (only about 1 hour away). Still, we both agreed to make it work. The new job took a toll on him since he had escalated to higher position and earned a much higher income. During this time, he expressed how appreciative he was for me. He opened up to me a lot. He expressed things like “You are the best thing that has come into my life” and “I love you, you make me feel wholesome.” He would bring up the future at times and mention how he can see us together, although it’s not something he is ready for right now, but way down the line. He told me he loved me. He also wanted to meet my family. This guy had really made me feel wonderful and I felt safe, secure, and happy with him. I developed love for him.

About 2 weeks ago (4 months into our relationship) on the night that he was supposed to meet my family, he had added a couple new photos to his Tinder account.

I was incredibly shocked but tried to keep my cool. I brought up my concern via text and we had a discussion about it that lasted 2 days (they were long messages with about 5-8 hours in between responses). It was a conversation that led to the topic of commitment and the long term/future. He told me that he doesn’t care about Tinder and that he cares about us and doesn’t want to talk about it. He said that he is only committed to me. I told him that I don’t care about Tinder, I care about us and our relationship and I am willing to go 100% in… I told him if he feels the same, I’d happily delete my account.

Long story short, our text conversation ended where I expressed my feelings – that I am only interested in dating exclusively and no one else, and that the idea of a long-term commitment down the line doesn’t have to be addressed now, but it can’t be totally blocked out for good. Otherwise, I don’t know what his intention is in the relationship. He agreed with me 100% and said that he feels the same way. However, he never took action on deleting his account and our conversation ended casually in a few words. He wrote the last text, and I never responded because it was short and didn’t merit a response. I also felt that I had said too much already and didn’t want to keep talking. Since then, he had not initiated further contact with me. It’s been about 2 weeks and I still have not gotten a follow up from him.

During the 2 weeks I have cried, been back and forth about whether or not I should follow up and see if he wants to talk over the phone. As much as I wanted to reach out, I never did. I have been truly sad these past couple weeks because this man was great and had become a significant part of my life. My parents were rooting for him and they were looking forward to meeting him. He never gave me a reason to believe that he didn’t care about me or loved me. The Tinder thing was a complete shock and 180 degree flip. I know that we were not officially boyfriend/girlfriend, but I assumed that dating someone for 4 months and expressing deep and meaningful words, led me to believe that we were only dating each other and no one else. I would appreciate any help or guidance on this issue… I’ve been back and forth about texting him, but I have not. I am so hurt and filled with confusion, don’t know what he’s thinking, and would like some piece of mind about what steps forward I should take…

Thank you.

Chris Seiter

August 31, 2018 at 2:24 pm

I can see why this has been confusing. I think you should employ no contact and get up to speed on my ex recovery program so to optimize your chances. Part of your quest is to focus on your own healing and finding that piece of mind you deserve and there are activiites for that.

Pam

August 30, 2018 at 6:48 am

We’ve been separated 11 months. Only three in NC. The first 8 months he texted after a week when he asked for space and kept texting and calling for holidays and everything like he was really concerned like nothing had changed. I did not understand that. I was so confused feeling good and I let him get to me and I let him back in . But that ended up with me and finding out that he had been intimate with a woman and is still now engaging. As I was still allowing him to text and engage with me these whole 8 months I even saw him in person . Fast forward to now. I did stay in contact with him too long and that was wrong because all I did seem like was to make him stronger and make him think he can have his cake and eat it too. So Something hurtful happened with us in May and ended up on FB and I was like I’m done I went home and started NC. He reached out 2 weeks in. Congratulating me on my son’s graduation then the next month he personally message my daughter for her 21st birthday. And he liked her post. So I am determined not to contact him. I believe he is wanting me to reach out to him. If he is engaging with another woman still and he’s told me that she still around in there just friends but that’s not what it looks like. And contacting me he did not mention anything he hasn’t apologized to say anything to me about the situation. So I’m just trying to go day-by-day and move on because I feel like I did a whole lot and too much and staying in contact with him this long. I should have left him at the door months ago. Don’t you see it’s been practically a year but because these three months is the first we’ve been actually separated them talking it’s only feels like 3 months. So do you think he’ll reach out. He knows how much I love him and have always thought I’d be there. This is the first time I actually gave a consequences to his actions. So he’s still counting on me reaching out to him I bet. So I don’t know.

Chris Seiter

August 31, 2018 at 3:12 am

Hi Pam…certainly possible. Seems like a stubborn guy and a somewhat confused guy. I would stick to my guns.

Sarah

August 28, 2018 at 12:51 pm

Hey, great article!
I’m just curious, but if the guy is intent on ‘winning’ the break up and wanting her to message first – which results in a loss of feelings as no chase etc – then how do we win back the ex-boyfriend when we end no contact?
Thanks!

Chris Seiter

August 28, 2018 at 9:32 pm

Thanks Sarah!

Good question…..you know, my experience is guys so intent on winning the breakup are usually the first to reach out. But my program does not rely on that and if you do reach out, you control the messaging, the tone, the timing, etc.

Erin

August 25, 2018 at 5:54 pm

I was dating this guy for a couple months and things were going really well. Talking all day, seeing each other multiple times a week, going out on dates, etc. He told me how happy he was with me and how much he liked me constantly. He started to get cold feet when we brought up exclusivity. For a month, every week we had a different relationship status. Boyfriend and girlfriend to just dating then back to boyfriend and girlfriend when finally he decided we should just date until he gets a handle on work. But he gave me no timeline. He became distant and wouldn’t respond for hours but if I did that to him, he would get on my case about something being wrong or if I was mad. I texted him to let me know when he decided what he wanted to do with me but until then we should go our separate ways. He called me and texted me multiple times saying that he wanted to fix this and work on it. I didn’t respond because I told him that he can tell me when he had an answer. He called later in the day and left a voicemail telling me ignoring him all day was immature and he “cant do this anymore” because now I’m too stressful. I call him back all confused because a few hours ago he was ready to fight for me but then he does a 180 tells me he that I am just like all the girls he’s dated (whom he despises now) and a huge disappointment because I “know he goes off the deep end when he’s ignored”. He was very rude and talked to me like i was being punished. He said that he could see a long time future with me but Im the one who ruined it by doing what I did. I would appreciate your take on what happened and if our relationship would be salvageable. I’ve been in NC for over two weeks. But what now?

Chris Seiter

August 26, 2018 at 1:33 am

Hi Erin!

Yep…some guys get nervous around talk about commitment. Maybe he is just not mature enough yet or maybe a bit insecure. Certainly, he was behaving badly by being so rude. I think a solid course of No Contact is in order. Feel free peruse my site and my home page as you will want an ex recovery plan to optimize your chances.

Samantha

August 21, 2018 at 3:28 pm

I am doing Limited No Contact (we have a child). We’ve had a long, hard relationship. 6 years, lots of back and forth, lots of fighting. He told me he just can’t give me his time anymore, and he knows I am trying to change things he just doesn’t know how to go back on that decision. I did GNAT for a week or so (horrible, I know). I finally told him a few days ago I was gone since that is what he wanted. 3 days into NC he sends me a picture of our son, nothing important, just a cute picture and said he was trying to make me smile, if I’d prefer him not send pictures he wouldn’t. I just said thank you and left it alone. He is kind of seeing someone else (rebound). So I am not sure how to take him randomly texting me. Should I ignore photos of our son since it is not an emergency? I simply said thank you and nothing else, he didn’t try to carry on conversation either. How long should I do limited no contact before trying to mend things?

Chris Seiter

August 21, 2018 at 10:26 pm

Hi Samantha!

6 years counts a lot. It creates roots and connections that usually come into play later. Don’t beat yourself up for any mistakes you may have made (gnatting). I think his random texting to you in a positive way would suggest he is still feeling a connection, yet clearly a period of healing and space should benefit you both.

Confused

August 20, 2018 at 1:25 am

I’ve been in a relationship with a man on and off for at least 3 years. Known him for 10, and sad to say started talking to him when we both were marrried. We’re both divorced now but he’ll call it off with me because he says his feelings has changed then 2 weeks later he’s texting. Telling me he’s done a lot of thinking etc. It’s been the same way for 2 years now, only gets more serious and deeper in the relationship each time we get back together. I’ve gotten closer to his kids and everything. I’ve started the nc, and going on day 8. I really think he has problems. A lot is my fault for trying to make it work each time. I forgive so easily. Why does he do this to me?

Chris Seiter

August 20, 2018 at 8:27 pm

I there Confused!

I think NC is the right move. Perhaps he has some issues around insecure attachment…not sure. I don’t see things as your fault. You are simply doing the natural thing in trying to make the relationship successful and work. Use this time in NC to heal and do things to bring meaning to your life. Also, you should pick up my eBook, 247 page ebook “The No Contact Rule Book” as it will help you immensely thru this process on how to maximize the effectiveness of NC both for yourself as well as re-attraction if you chose that path.

Ros

August 12, 2018 at 8:21 am

My boyfriend & I just split up after a 3.5 year LDR. He admits to having a commitment phobia. I did all the travelling due to him having big business commitments & it was difficilt for him to get away. The chemistry between us was amazing. I was looking for a bit of commitment back from him, I felt I couldn’t keep doing all the travelling, without knowing if we had a future. The relationship has been quite up & down from the start. Due to me going through a divorce, having 2 children of my own to consider & having to rebuild my own work life. He has 3 children been married twice & has an extremely busy work life which I have supported him with over the last 3.5 years. It came to an end because I felt I was fed a lot of false hope so be both decided to have a break.
I am now worried that I have lost him for good, seems such a pity because we were so good together when we were together, but I did struggle with us having so much time apart, and came over as insecure & needy I think.
Anyway I am 4 days into the NC. Do you really think it will bring him back based on the basis of the relationship I talked about above?
Or should I just except it’s over?
Obviously not much detail there but it gives you an idea.

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546 thoughts on “Here’s Exactly What He’s Thinking During The No Contact Rule”