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163 thoughts on “EBR 026: How To Get Your Ex Back If It Seems Impossible”

  1. NANA

    October 25, 2015 at 5:10 pm

    I love this guy from work for two years now and he contacted me last year. We dated for a few times and he told me that he liked me for a year. We were generally arguing about silly things during the dates and there was this tension when we were together. Our final argument happened when I said no to sex since it felt early. We didn’t even kissed back then, because I was very angry when he wanted to kiss me and then he refused when I wanted to kiss him… (Ego fights I know.) Then we stopped seeing each other. But then he texted me, called me, and I felt guilty etc…. But he seemed liking me with the body language, he said NO to the relationship. I kind of told him that I wanted the relationship…. Kind of chased him and cried a lot after him…. Silly me. Although we met and sweet talked on the phone from time to time, he had no intentions to get back together. We were tense at times as well. (We were always tense!)

    Well… I called him two weeks ago and he said he wanted me to invite him to my place to watch a movie (great! isn’t it!). I said ok, why not… And the other night he called me drunk.(Perfect, right?) Wanted to come over. I was out with friends and told him that I would call him when I got back home. So we talked like an hour on the phone. It was actually very sweet and romantic but he made himself invited to my place.(Abusive and great, right!) So he came over on friday. I am so stupid. We talked and had really good time. He was leaving but I kissed him at the door and we made out. But I wasn’t comfortable and stopped him and send him home… Then I called him and wanted to talk to him about an issue about mutual friends and asked him to return my staff. We went out, had great time but in front of the house he started a fight (like gaslighting) and mentioned not seeing each other ever again, made me beg him to talk inside. Clever right! Then we made out a little bit again. But I said no to sex again. And he accused me for wanting him to be my husband. I got very upset. He got upset too and told me he doesn’t want to be apart again. But I wanted him to leave.

    Next day he did not pick up the phone. And didn’t call me back. Then I texted him he returned days after… I texted him again, no response. I saw him at work, he looked at me very sadly.

    I want a committed relationship not a husband. But I humiliated myself by kissing him and making out on the first meet up after months. He was pushy after I kissed him…

    He said this is not working… We are bad for each other. But said I am so happy with you, don’t want to be apart again, we should spend time together etc. All confused…

    Would NC work on him? It seems he wants a fwb. But when I reach out he feels like I am chasing him and tells me that “am i calling you? I am not trying to work things out… It’s been a year” etc… However he asked me out, I just wanted my staff back. He acts like he wants me to chase him which I did…. Is he just confused or role playing to get laid?

  2. Trina

    September 30, 2015 at 11:04 pm

    Hi Chris, me and my ex have been broken up for over a year. I feel at this point it really is impossible to get him back because Even though we hang out from time to time and he hasn’t dated or been interested in anyone else, it seems he becomes less and less interested. I’ve tried nc a few times, but at this point he barely responds to my texts when I do talk to him. Should I give up?

  3. LD

    September 26, 2015 at 7:07 am

    hi chirs,
    I write to you all the time because im helpless and so stuck as to what to do. So my ex and i have been broken up for about 20 days now after a 9 month relationship (my first real relationship as well) (i just turned 18 yesterday so im still really young) and i am absolutely miserable all the time. I want him back more than anything.

    Throughout our relationship, we fought about because he was super insecure and super paranoid/jealous ALL THE TIME! since he was insecure he would always talk to his ex girlfriends as friends (as far as i knew). I hated this and asked him to stop all the time but he never did. He made me end some of my friendships with guy friends which really annoyed me. We got into fights about this all the time because i began being skeptical as to why he felt the need to talk to them all the time. It really bothered me and i didnt feel secure in the relationship, understandably so i think. He would always blame the fights on me because i would ask why he is still constanly talking to them and he always through in the age card on me because i am 2 and a half years younger than him (hes 20 and out of school) i tried to tell him that it doesnt matter the age, no girl he is dating is gonna like if hes talking to his ex’s.

    with me being younger it did keep us in a really hard spot because there was so much that i couldnt do that he could. He always had so much freedom and i just wasnt allowed to do that stuff so it hurt our relationship a lot.

    The reason we broke up is a mix of many things. now that i look back, for a while he was telling me subtly that he was falling out of love and had tried to break up with me before. i was very manipulative and without realizing it, guilted him into staying with me. we were continuously fighting for the last month of our relationship and we didnt see eachother that often (he lives 30 minutes away and i dont have my own car). He didnt want to come and see me during the week, ever and that made me even more skeptical that something was going on (because he always came to see me at least one day during the work week) with an ex of his he was talking to. Basically, i dont know the real reason we have broken up because he refused to talk to me about it and i dont really know what it was that made him do this because the last time we hung out we were super happy and then 2 days later he ended it over text and refused to talk to me.

    since the break up, i have done the NCR for 19 days and he has only contacted me once (to say happy birthday). i didnt answer. I see him posting snapchat stories of him having fun with his friends and being at parties and it makes me really upset because he is so happy and im miserable missing him. I feel as if he could care less about me and doesnt want anything to do with me.. I dont know if me implanting these techniques that you suggest will even work with him because of how he is, or if im wasting my time.. what do you think? im so stuck and need help!!

    1. Chris Seiter

      October 1, 2015 at 6:18 pm

      Happy birthday (sorry I am a bit late.)

      There is nothing wrong with you posting happy snapchat stories either. If I had to critique so far it seems like you aren’t doing anything positive for yourself during NC. I would start focusing on that.

  4. Traci

    August 28, 2015 at 4:43 am

    Hey Chris,
    I was with my ex for 4 years. We broke up just 3 weeks ago because we were fighting a lot & he ended it. I will also admit that I haven’t been giving him much attention, but with a 6 month old baby it’s hard to give him attention. I have been devastated. I told myself & him that if we ever got back together that I would do anything to make it work, but he keeps saying he doesn’t want me back. I know that was probably a mistake because it kind of seems like begging. I know we can’t do the no contact rule because of the baby, but do you think it would help do to minimal contact (only having to do with the baby)?
    Also, he says he’s talking to someone else but says he will never tell anyone who she is & there’s no proof of her anywhere, not in Facebook, snapchat, Instagram, or even his texting records (long story). So I think he’s faking it to make me mad (because that’s how he is, he likes to make me mad). Even if she was real, is it possible to still get him back? I feel she would be a rebound because it hasn’t even been a month yet. I want to be with him & work this out more than anything.

  5. Susanna

    August 23, 2015 at 2:01 pm

    Hi Chris,

    Here is my story. I been with my ex since Nov 2013. In August of 2014 we moved in together. Had a good relationship. In June of this year he got out of the service and a month before that he started changing. Seemed lost at times started not caring about things anymore and started drinking every day. So since I had been pretty busy with work I told him to go visit his brother. He left June 17th. On the 25th I got a text from him stating sorry I will be back tomorrow. But he never came home. Didn’t respond to any of my texts nothing at all. I contacted his brother the following week who told me that my ex car broke down on the way back but he bought another one and will be back here at the end of the week. Didn’t happen either. He has ignored all my calls and texts. Yes I said some mean things but am now on NC day 11. I know he planed on coming back cause he left all his stuff and after he had left he had ordered things online and had them sent here. So I don’t know what to think anymore. Any kind of advice would be appreciated. Why suddenly ignore me like this and not even care about getting any of your stuff?

    1. Susanna

      August 25, 2015 at 12:30 am

      Thanks. Am on day 12 with the no contact and at this time I have no desire to talk to him or his brother. It is very sad that a man can act like this and hurt another person in this way and not care.

    2. Chris Seiter

      August 24, 2015 at 6:09 pm

      I’m not sure why he suddenly started ignoring you but the best thing for you to do is no contact for 30 days. Don’t let him play with you like that. Don’t talk to his brother about him anymore either.

  6. Moonbunny

    August 22, 2015 at 7:25 pm

    Hi Chris thanks for all your articles they’ve been helping me a lot !
    My ex bf broke up with me about 2 months ago because because we both head to college and priorities change.. while I’m still so into us.. I eventually became clingy and too dependent on him that led to the breakup.. We kept in contact a little thorough these weeks. I asked him our for dinner for a catchup last week and everything was casual. Later that night I sent him a message telling him that I accept the breakup and think that it’s the best for both of us. He seemed relieved about it so was I. He wished me good luck and tell me we still can hangout sometimes just like best friends and I can count on him if I had any problems.. Is this a good sign or did I friend zone myself? I’m planning to take your article on this page as a guide to rebuild connection with him 🙂 We’ve been together for 3 years and we have really good connection and I really don’t want to give up here .. I know we’re young and maybe it’s not the right time to settle down in a relationship but I believe if we’re both doing it right our relationship won’t pull us down . Would giving him some more time help? I know that he still cared but he just feel like it’s the best thing to do now.. any advice would be appreciated!

  7. Kriishy

    August 21, 2015 at 7:40 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I’ve been obsessively following your website.
    And I am still lost. PLEASE help me.
    I’ve been dating my ex for 2 and half years. And it was perfect. But towards the last 7 months or so, we started to drift apart because of our careers. We started to spend less quality time together and easily got bored of each other. I started to become insecure. And we started to fight just too much. I said things I didn’t mean.

    He broke up, saying that there’s no future for us and that his mother is against us.
    I begged and pleaded for 12 days. It was like talking to a wall. I came across your site during desperate times. I tried the no contact rule. Until I found out from a mutual friend, that his reason of breaking up was because he thinks I’ve cheated (not sexually, like talking to other guys)

    I haven’t.

    He thinks I have lied to him, which has betrayed him. But I really haven’t.
    I decided to work just as you described in your post on getting an ex back who thinks you’ve cheated but you haven’t.

    I gave it time.

    I showed him evidence to prove my innocence.
    He would talk a little, and then be super angry and rude. Then he just stops replying.

    He goes into his shell, shuts off everything and convinces himself to only think negatively. So every effort I make into clearing things out, he views it as either me being desperate to get him back or justifying myself or the ‘lies’ I told.
    What do I do?

    1. Chris Seiter

      September 1, 2015 at 9:13 pm

      read the post on getting your ex back if you cheated, even though you didn’t you can still follow the guidelines of this article.

  8. Jordan

    August 20, 2015 at 5:44 am

    Hi Chris,

    My ex boyfriend and I have been on and off a couple of times for the past 2 years. We started dated again after we broke up last year. He actually broke up with the girl he’d been dating for a few months just so we could rekindle things, but I think we both felt like we rushed into things this time around so we decided to end things a couple of months ago. However, we got into a really bad fight about a month ago and our only contact since then was all business (for example: I left my watch at his place). Since then, I tried reaching out to him and his exact words were “I’m not trying to be mean but I’ve realized that being together brought drama into my life and we’ll never be anything again because of that.” I’ve started NC to give him time to cool down but the last time I did he didn’t reach out during NC period at all. He’s very stubborn and set in his ways, and every time decide to call it quits, I found myself being the one trying to mend fences but eventually I end up giving up and waiting for him to come to me. But this time I discovered your site and I not only want to get him back the right way but I also want to keep him. However, I guess I’m just worried that he will follow through with being done this time. So my question is how would you recommend me going about trying to get back my stubborn ex boyfriend and convincing him to trust me and have open and honest communication instead of being cold and uncompromising like he has been lately?

  9. Tessa

    August 13, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    My ex boyfriend and I were together for 6 years in June this year we got into a huge fight he told me he was unhappy and wanted to break up. During our time apart he started seeing another woman. They both work together and she had recently gone through a big break up as well. When we recently talked he told me I was the one he chose and wanted to be with me. I caught him lying to me we recently got back together but he hadn’t cut it off with the other girl they still kept in contact and she didn’t seem to be in the know that we had gotten back together. She told me and he admitted that they told each other that they loved each other and had talked about moving in while they were together. He confessed to me that he knew he lovede and that they had decided not to be together because she told him she couldn’t be with him yet she still kept seeking him. He is very upset that she now is ignoring him and is telling me he doesn’t know if we are going to work out. He admitted he might have fallen for her because he was vulnerable and she was there and she was different. I’m a complete mess and feel very hurt. Do I even have a chance with him or is he really still confused?

    1. Tessa

      August 15, 2015 at 11:44 pm

      Got it. But do I do this even though he claims he wants to see if can work on our relationship? He says time will tell and claims the other women isn’t even talking to him. I don’t know if this is true. He seems to still seem upset and as if he’s putting up a wall, talking to me daily but it seems like he’s distant.

    2. Chris Seiter

      August 17, 2015 at 9:54 pm

      If he tells you he wants to get back with you and that is your ultimate goal then yes you can break no contact.

    3. Tessa

      August 13, 2015 at 6:52 pm

      Don’t want to be a second choice. I don’t know why he is doing this. When we decided to work things out he seemed very serious about us. This women he started seeing cheated on her ex and my ex was very disappointed to hear that. He assures me he did not sleep with her within the 2-3 weeks they saw each other. They weren’t even an official couple. He called me last night to tell me that he was very mad at me because her feelings were hurt and that if there was ever a chance with her I ruined it. He keeps telling me he does want to be with me and then suddenly he doesn’t. Is he in love ? Or is he trying to make me feel bad?

    4. Chris Seiter

      August 14, 2015 at 4:46 am

      He is going back and forth between the two of you which is why he is suddenly not interested. He’s not trying to make you feel bad. He’s selfish that is all. You will have to make yourself the desired one by NC and dating other men. Competition does amazing things to men. Try not to rub it in his face though, if he’s on your facebook use light jealously. Do this after 20 days of no contact. If he’s begging you back by then you can make the decision if you want to be with him or not.

    5. Chris Seiter

      August 13, 2015 at 6:13 pm

      It’s likely that she will go back to her ex and he will come back to you but do you really want to be second choice? In my opinion you should date other people and make him second choice if it doesn’t work out with anyone else. Do no contact with him for 30 days, don’t tell him your doing it or tell him anything about being second choice. Change the things he didn’t like about you in the 30 days and you should be fine.

  10. aniee

    July 31, 2015 at 10:46 am

    Hi chris,
    me and my ex were in LDR for abt 5 yrs.. intial 2 yr ws super ausum..dn he moved to other city…dn we strtd hvng differences in opinions…since i am short tempered i used to shout on him a lot..and he being introvert strted moving away frm me emotionally…last 3 years we had lots of fyt..nd 2 montgs bck he broked up wd me…and moved on wd a new girl whu ws his frnd…she too ws in sum another relationship for abt 6 years and had sme fyts wd her ex-bf… my ex says he cnt stay wd me..he no longers want me..n he z happy wd her..although he said he still luv me bt will forget me in near future…i love him a lot…i evn begged him to b wd me bcz now i hv realized how wrongly i behaved wd him in last 3 yrs…i feel too much guilty..i even created emotional drama…..i really love him…cant evn imagine my lyf wdout him…. Since last 1 month i hvnt contctd him… Maintaning NC rule..plz help me how to get him bck…bcz his new gf loves him madly….i want him bck b4 he develops love for her…n also his birthdy z cumng next week…shud i wish him??? Plz help me how to get him bck…since i m styng far away frm him n his new gf is in d same clg of him….

    1. Chris Seiter

      August 6, 2015 at 10:15 pm

      You will have to have a plan to end up together. LDR are tough if they drag on to long without someone making a move. If his new gf loves him madly it’s unlikely that he will fall in love with her that quick, you and him had a longer history. Men also like to chase and she will come off easy if she is already SO in love with him. Dont worry to much about that.

  11. Deja

    July 17, 2015 at 5:38 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I recently came across your site and have found your advice very informative. However, I would like your feedback on a more specific situation between my recent ex-boyfriend and I. We very first met through Instagram and from their things went really fast. We were talking for about 3 weeks before he actually asked me to be his girlfriend (not to mention we are long distance) but we clicked from the very first moment we spoke. We spoke about our future goals & he explained to me how he is planning to leave for the marines, hopefully in October. I said yes to being his girlfriend and he was the first to ever say the words, ” I love you.” I was flattered and surprisingly not turned off because in my heart at the time I felt that I felt the same.

    We finally met and it didn’t even feel like the first time we had seen each other. It was a great weekend and during this time I might have made a few errors on my part. Unfortunately, we had sexual encounters and immediately after doing it I felt the need to break up with him because I felt as if things would change, but only a few minutes after evaluating the break up, I quickly changed my mind and we went back to talking and goofing off as usual.

    However, once it was time for me to come back home I noticed a slight change and he was becoming a bit distant. He finally confessed to me that after I broke up with him that night he felt that in a way he needed to protect himself because he was afraid that if I happen to feel the same way that I did that night that there was a chance of me breaking up with him again. Understandable. But, I can’t say that these words he spoke did not make me feel unsure as well. Once again, I broke it off and he replied back saying he was done. I was once again devastated with my quick actions. The relationship ended only after a month.

    A day goes by and I try calling but he blocked my number. I repeatedly call and straight to voicemail. I finally have my friend get involved and text him to see where his head was at. He basically said that he truly cares for me but doesn’t know if he can forgive what I did. He also said that he was unsure of speaking to me because of the fact that he figured I would think about getting back together. However, he did call me and ended up with me in tears, basically begging for him back and he constantly questioned me on why I broke up with him and I explained to him how I felt that things would change after we had sex, but of course he was not trying to hear that, but the part that hurt the most was when he told me that after I cut things off was that he did not know whether he was mad at me or the love was no longer there.

    After this conversation, I asked if we could speak more after I got off work and he agree, but once I was off and I called he did not answer. Hours went by and of course with me being so impatient I text him saying, ” I really wanted this to work but I cant be the only one giving effort. As the man you should want to try as well, but if you need space then I will give you that. Love you.” He replied explaining that he was not ignoring me, but at the gym. Later on that night he called, intoxicated. He answered saying. “hey, baby…,” which threw me off, but I played it cool. The call got disconnected and he text me about 30 mins later asking if I was up. I replied saying, “Kind of. Sorry, just a bit tired. Talk to you tomorrow.” He replied back asking to please talk to me. I ignored the first two and he finally text me explaining he got into an altercation and wanted to talk about it with me, but by this time I was already sleeping. The next afternoon I called and left a voicemail asking if he was alright and ttyl. No response from him until the next morning. He text me saying good morning and I played it cool again and said, “yes it is a good morning.” He replied asking, “why is that?” I told him that I was working out with a trainer things are moving in a better direction for me and he said that’s a great reason to smile and I’m happy for you.

    Long story short, I finally visited back home for my birthday & about a week before coming back him & I had small conversation. I invited him to celebrate my birthday with me & a few of my friends. He agreed to join us but after that I didn’t hear from him anymore until my birthday. The feelings of hurt came over me at once after reading his text, “Happy birthday Deja, you are one of Gods most beautiful souls. I hope you have the best day in the entire world. You deserve an amazing day for you’re an amazing person. There’s a really good reason why I’ve chose to stay away from you and I just hope you understand that. Bye Deja ”

    I couldn’t help but to express all the angry & hateful feelings I had towards him. I told him he was no good for me & that I wish I never met him. He replied back saying that he agreed & after that I couldn’t help but try to think of something to say worse to hurt him. I told him that I wish he were dead & to stay away from me for good. No response. I felt awful & apologized the next day for wishing death on him, however, the other things I said as far as staying away from me & not being any good for me were true. It’s been about a week & I still have not heard from him since then. However, I looked on his Instagram page since the day he sent me that text & he was posting pics in reference to relationships, but then he posted a meme saying “I want a bae.” Not even 2 hours after posting that he put in his bio the word, “taken.” Yet, not even an hour later he deleted the word taken & made his profile private. Then, I took it upon myself to search his name on Facebook & I would assume he either blocked me or deleted his page because I had a friend of mine try to search his name but he never showed up in her search engine either. Last thing I decided to do was ask him a question anonymously through another social site saying, “Are you taken at the moment? If not, then when was your last relationship? Are you seeing anyone now or plan to soon?” He responded saying, “I’m not completely sure but I think I’ll be taken soon.” Yes, I was left a bit devastated.

    At the end of the day, I hate him & still care for him at the same time & just want answers from him. What are the chances on fixing it? Is this something only time can heal or should I just give up? Look forward to hearing from you.

    Thank you,

  12. confused

    July 3, 2015 at 6:50 am

    Hi Chris!
    My ex (wow so weird saying that) and I, I guess broke up today. We’ve been in a LDR for almost the last year. He first said he wanted a break exactly 60 days ago (im weird and notice things like this- temporally), and over the last 2 months we’ve gone from taking a break with NC (I asked for it, he agreed and then contacted me all the time, letters and everything), to talking again… not sure how we stand, to ‘just being friends’ to meeting up this last weekend (so a few days ago), where he found an excuse to drive an hour away from his place into my hometown after he found out I was home for the weekend and asked to meet up – he gave one of those hugs that is more than just a friend hug. I agreed, so we did and then he semi invited me to church that night, but I declined and rescheduled for the next morning – which is the last time we saw each other in person – that last day, he was hurt to hear that i was doing just fine despite how he was separating us apart (ive basically been doing your guide without knowing it was out there!!), and he asked we continue to ‘live separate lives’ except he can still call me on the phone. after a few days of that (torture!), I told him today, that i cannot do this “friendship-communication thing” on the phone and need to have just have no contact. He took it super personally and told me to just leave him alone, asked me what do I want from him (after telling him this), and basically not compromising but wanting everything on his terms when I tried telling him it was hurting me too much. He’s a couple years younger than me and we’re both in college. Since the day (pretty much, he said he started driving up and down the mainstreet in town for 2 weeks looking for me because he lost my number), and three weeks in we were planning our marriage and kid’s names. We’ve always said to each other that, each of us is “the one” for the other.
    In the break-up process, the first two instances we met up to discuss our first break, we prayed together, kissed, hugged, no signs of a breakup and then went LDR. The second time, we met up again during ‘just friends’ he wanted to tell me all about his adventures, sit near me, tried to change his plans to hang out longer, gave that special hug and waited for a kiss. I accidentally touched his stomach like I always did after we’d hug or kiss, and said sorry thats not what friends do, and he said no you can do that i like it, and wait for a kiss which I didn’t give because that’s not what friends do. Then we went church the next day (like we used to) and held hands part of it and by the end of our hangout I was sitting in his lap and we were saying it would all work out. When I left again, back to the LDR, he’d call to ask if I was okay and if we were okay. Then today, several days since we last saw each other, I said it was too hard — and he flipped 180 and said never talk to me again.

    Do I have a chance? I’ve read A LOT of your articles and bought your pro book (wow i seriously never do things like buy promo books online – you ever see than Dean Stanton movie? “Repo Man” where the main character comes home and the parents are eating cans of “Food” and glued to the TV set telling their kid they gave all their money away to the man on TV … anyway) — so I bought your PRO book and decided on the NC! I actually can’t afford a phone anyway so that’ll make that easier.
    Honestly, you write you just know when you know… well, I just know… and he’s told me that so many times too. He’s in the immature phase into the party phase, so I think he needs to live some more life (i already “lived” a lot)… but I dunno.
    Any chance? Just take it day by day? I stopped talking to people I know about it because I just want to follow my heart now and not other people’s advice (which is typically to forget him and find love somewhere else), but it just seems impossible to truly turn my heart away and shut off a true love, I just can’t.
    I don’t know if we broke up either, every time I thought he was trying to end it he always would just call me again and be like, or we’re just friends and living separate lives, just give me some time, it’ll work out. Okay, I’ll grab my journal now.

  13. Dena

    May 25, 2015 at 8:12 am

    Hi Chris,
    I bought your ex-recovery pro and it really help me. I have a situation that I would be grateful if you could give me some thoughts.

    I met this guy on Tinder back in April and dated him for a month and a half since then. He seems nice, caring and respectful, but a bit distant. We have a lot in common and I really have a great time with him although I don’t expect it to lead anywhere serious since he told me he had to move oversea in August. So we agreed to just see each other and enjoyed the moment as friends (He did told me not to harbor feelings for him and to hang out as friends, and I assured him that I’m happy to be his friend although he didn’t feel for me that way.) However, 2 weeks ago he suddenly said he wanted to see me more often, so we agreed to meet at a bar to hang out on Thursday. He brought the topic of his departure up again, and I admitted to him that it makes me feel a bit crummy because I have expat friends comes and go all the time and he is now another one on the list. It would be nice if he could stay, but I was happy for him for the change. I wish to work and live abroad and tried to do so in the past but it didn’t work out for me and I was afraid to try make that dream happen again. Anyway, he seemed very understanding and gave me some encouragement which was nice of him. We ended the conversation on a lighter note saying we might meet up on Sunday.

    Then on Sunday before last week, I wrote him on Facebook message in the morning to see if he still want to meet up. He didn’t read or reply at all. So, in the evening I wrote to him again saying that he must have been busy and it would be nice if he could let me know before hand and wish him a good evening. He never read the message or say anything since then. I had a feeling that I might have done something to trigger this reaction from him so I just kept my cool and got on with my daily life. I kinda subtly let him know that I was still on friendly term with him by liking his picture on Tinder (Since we are seeing each other as friendly, so I don’t care if he’s still on Tinder and I was doing the same). Last weekend, it got into me that he might think I try to trap him, so I post a few pictures of some activities I did over the weekend like clubbing scene and cooking brunch, just a picture of people in a club and a picture of pancakes with capture that I was dancing my night away and cooking up easy brunch. He removed me from his Tinder list last Sunday. He hasn’t unfriended me on Facebook, but he still hasn’t even read my message either. I don’t understand what just happened. In just 14 days, he went from “I want to see you more often” to “I don’t want to even hear from you anymore.” We didn’t fight nor did I acted like a crazy girlfriend.

    I get it that we only met a month and a half ago and now he is leaving in 3 months. I just don’t understand why he has to do this. I really like him, and I thought I could gain a good friend out of this dating experience if not romance, but it doesn’t seems like that now.

    My question is: Should I apply 30 days NC and then contact him again to see if he wants to talk? I really don’t like having unresolved issues, especially with people I think of as friends. Thank you, Chris.

    1. Chris Seiter

      June 2, 2015 at 2:23 am

      Yes, I would definitely apply 30 days NC.

      Text him again but be clever about how you text him.

  14. Cassie

    May 24, 2015 at 7:41 pm

    Ok this is really long but will someone PLEASE HELP ME, it all spiraled out of control and it’s killing me. I’m going to refer to my now ex, the one I want back as J.

    J and I were together for a little over 4 years and for about the last year of the relationship things got really rough. We went off to separate colleges but didn’t think it would be a problem since we had went to different high schools and lived about an hour from each other anyway. The summer before we moved to college J started acting different, like a real ass, and the week before I moved in to school he broke up with me. I convinced him to still help me move in so I didn’t have to explain to my parents. That night, after I moved in, he begged me to come back home so we could talk so I did. We ended up crying and saying how much we didn’t want to lose each other and got back together. About a week after I had been in school I got this gut feeling and so I checked his social media messages (we had each other’s passwords, it was fair game). Sure enough my gut was right. There were messages from many girls from his college, asking for his number, him inviting them over, back massages, all the typical. One girl (we’ll call her C) he seemed really interested in. But I didn’t overreact I just simply asked him if he’d been talking to any girls, inviting them up, any of that. His response was no. I asked him three times. He said no every time. So I sent him the screenshots, apologized for getting on his stuff, and said you lied to me we are done. That was late August 2013. He started begging pleading apologizing and I would see him some but then a guy from my school, that I was really attracted to, came into the picture. I started hanging out with him a lot, we kissed, nothing more (we’ll call him V). I really liked him but he started talking bad about J and bashing my lifestyle, kinda made me mad. I had told J I had kissed him and really liked him. Then J’s grandpa got really sick. I knew I had to be there for him. Finally after going round n round we got back together at the beginning of November 2013. I didn’t fall in love with him again until the end of January. V was still persistent and we talked a lot. However, J won me back and I fell all over again. School started back late January and things started going down hill again. Me and V started talking some again and J started being a butt. Then it happened. Early February I found out I was pregnant…me and J were devastated, terrified. It’s all we ever wanted but we knew we couldn’t do it. We made the executive decision to abort it. Two days before I was to terminate my pregnancy I got a call from J asking if I could come get him, he had “locked his keys in his truck”. I said I’d meet him half way but I was too sick (from the pregnancy) and very tired and couldn’t make that drive. He agreed. So I went to get him and took him home. Two days later I made the most regretful decision of my life (I hate myself for it) to terminate my pregnancy. At first things were hard. But we got better, him and I. Then on spring break, I was playing games on his phone and checked his messages. He had a texts from C, the girl he was interested at the begging of the year. The text read: from him: where’s my pants? Lol from her: I don’t know haha. I WAS LIVID. Thinking the obvious, obviously. Then I put two and two together. I checked the date on the messages and sure enough they were from the night his keys supposedly got locked in his truck. The truth was they had actually been thrown away with his pants with the girl he was interested in. I didn’t break up with him though because of everything that had happened and his grandpa was still really sick. We got better, celebrated a great birthday together (only a day apart), and things were looking up. I was in love with him. He was in love with me. We grew close again. Then V started wiggling his way back in. We texted casually, quite often though. J got mad. I wasn’t meaning to hurt him but idk, I guess my thought was look how much you’ve hurt me I can at least talk to him, immature I know. In early June we lost J’s grandpa. It was devastating. He was so broken, it hurt to see him hurt. It brought us close again. We had a wonderful family vacation at the lake, gosh I loved him. Then when school started back things got bad again. We fought a lot. We broke up again, I started hanging out with V, kissed, nothing more. I kinda stopped trusting J. We got back together, the last date we went on was mid October 2015. We fought at first but ending up having a wonderful time and that’s when I decided I was going to move close to him and be with him and we were going to get right. Not too long after that though, he broke up with me. It made me mad. He kinda begged for me back, we fought, said a lot of mean things to each other, it got really really bad. He told me he wanted me. Finally i softened up and three days after that I agree. However he tells me it’s too late. 3 DAYS! So I begged, pleaded, cried, apologized, stalked, hacked. Name everything not to do to get your ex back and I did it. He claimed his new girl was better than me and he wasn’t happy and didn’t love me and didn’t care. I heard it all. He was so mean. (This started January 2015). I still begged, cried, called. He started blocking me. (End of feb) After the second time he blocked me I got mad and left him alone..for 10 days. During that time he called and facetimed but never text. I Finally answered him late one night and he was crying. Saying how much he love loved me, how sorry he was, asking if I changed, all that. He then text me that night and said “you’re the only one I’ve been with. I’m tired of fucking it up with us. I want to fuck it up with everyone else then hope you will love me again one day.” So I begged and pleaded some more. By the time spring break came around I had given up. Then of course he contacted me again. Trying to apologize. He got mad because I thought I didn’t tell him happy birthday but I did, he just didn’t get it. 2 weeks later he tried to contact me asking if I was going to a certain concert and who I was going with. He even logged on to my Instagram, made it public, and added himself back then messaged me so I would talk to him, deleted the conversation when we finished. This was mid April and I was thoroughly confused because he’s told me to move on, he’s moved on, he loves her, he doesn’t hurt anymore, to leave him alone. So I was trying to do that. He contacted me again on facebook at the end of April 2015 trying to convince me we were not meant to be together, of course I didn’t agree, we messages back and forth some then he stopped talking. I just left it alone. That was a Tuesday, the following saturday I got a friend request from him on facebook and realized that after our conversation he had deleted me as a friend. Every time we had a conversation on social media and he didn’t agree with what I had to say he deleted me so at this point I had changed my number and blocked him on everything but facebook. But after I realized he deleted me I blocked him on there too. Ok, so now it’s about a month since that happened. His girlfriend is all about him. I went to his little cousin’s baseball game this past Monday and his family was there but he was not. His aunt cried as did I when I had to leave. That night I text his mom just to see how school and everything went for him. Then he text my mom asking her to have me text him. I didn’t. Then he tried to turn it around that it was my fault. He said he tried to talk to me and would talk every time I wanted to but now I had him blocked on everything. Saying how he had been hurt too and all of that jazz. I still haven’t gotten ahold of him. If he’s moved on like he said why won’t he just let me be? I want to make amends with him because I realize all the hurt I caused. I know what to do better now, I just need to know if there’s a chance to get him back. There’s been a lot of damage but I honestly can forgive it all because I love him. He’s very stubborn and he’s saying never again. Someone please give me some advice on what to do. I want him back and a better us, I’m ready to grow up and get passed all this stupidity but it’s hard when he is being so stubborn. I need some coaching on what to do, is there any hope? He s
    till told me he loved me on spring break, and always would, he just thinks we were no good and all I see is the good. HELP PLEASE, I know it’s messed up, but it can be better, I just need him to see that. I love him and I want him, it’s been 8 months and all I do is want to make it right. It’s been a month NC please just help! 🙁

  15. f8th

    May 24, 2015 at 2:24 am

    Hi Chris
    I was dating a guy for 13 months. We both love God. (He showed that he did love God). Suddenly, I don’t know what happened to him; but when he told me that he didn’t want to go to church anymore, I broke up with him. Well, we agreed to break up because he started working two jobs and wasn’t making time for me. Another reason why we broke up was because he wanted to go back to his old ways and he was treating me differently.. He said that he loves me and that he is not confused about me. (when we broke up he asked me to be his friend and I hung up on him. I can’t be friends with him. I love him.) He said he is confused with other things such as God, church, money and making a living… A few days after we broke up, I met him at his job. He got on his lunch break, he gave me a hug. I asked him what is really going on. He said he has no time for “anything” and that the he wants to work to keep his mind busy. After that I didn’t say anything, he gave me a hug, he said “I love you. I always will, remember that.” and he quickly walked away. I believe that if he loved me enough he would make the effort to contact me and spend time with me. Instead of me lowering my standards and hurting myself emotionally. I keep thinking about the memories, everything. The guy gave me a promise ring from Kay Jewelers and promised me forever during our 13 months together. I guess that is not what God wants. My ex’s dad told me to relax that his son loves me with all of his heart, something is bothering and he needs space. To not worry that he will come around. My parents believe the guy likes another female and he is a coward to not tell me the truth; or he doesn’t love me anymore. But he owes me money that he barrow from me. ($157 from a time we went on vacation and didn’t have money, a few months ago) I just started the 30 days of no contact 3 days ago. I am scared he might move on during the time of not contacting him because he is stubborn and flirty… I know he loves me, why else would be give me a promise ring and buy me a hug teddy bear from Walmart so I could get used of sleeping on one side of the bed? He said he wants me to be his wife, the mother of his future kids…. What should I do Chris? I would appropriate your advice! Thank you

    1. Chris Seiter

      June 2, 2015 at 2:09 am

      ARe you both church people?

      Is that what you connected over?

  16. Prada

    May 17, 2015 at 10:12 am

    Hi chris. I am 24 years old girl. I’ve been in a relationship with a guy that seems perfect for me for 1 year and a half.
    We had several problems. One of them that i was dependent on my parents. They didn’t like him at first place.
    But he understood and respected them all the time.
    He loved me like i was magic for him.
    The last 2 weeks of the relationship were like hell.
    He turned off so quickly.
    And broke up with me telling that he lost his feelings and it is out of his control now.
    I tried to talk to him after 1 a week but it hurts twice. I was dumped again.
    Can i get him back even if he says it is impossible to get back his feelings?

    1. Prada

      May 17, 2015 at 10:14 am

      PS: we were planning our engagement

    2. Chris Seiter

      May 19, 2015 at 6:22 pm

      Did you have the ring?

  17. M.

    May 12, 2015 at 6:11 pm

    Is really standing a guy up on a date a good idea? I sometimes just denied to go on a date in a certain day and I think that was taken like ”I don’t want to date you” by almost all.. I don’t know..Can it be that the guys are just not so into me or just very insecure..??what do you think??

    1. Minnie

      May 18, 2015 at 9:26 am

      If he doesn’t ask me to go out? What should I do?

    2. Chris Seiter

      May 19, 2015 at 7:13 pm

      I wrote about how to navigate that situaiton here

    3. M.

      May 15, 2015 at 5:40 pm

      maybe i’m too scared to risk? I don’t know..

    4. M.

      May 13, 2015 at 6:20 pm

      I didn’t actually stood them..the most ”common problem” is that they ask me go out late at night which I don’t really agree on a First date but also I’m not very comfortable concerning my parents..so I deny and ask if we can do it earlier or another day perhaps..they usually agree, but if that happens again they come and say things like ”it’s ok if you don’t want to date me”, they don’t contact for a long period and after a while disappear!I don’t know..for me hard to get didn’t actually worked most of the times..But I can’t figure what i do so wrong?

    5. Chris Seiter

      May 13, 2015 at 12:42 pm

      No the problem is not you its them.

      Tell me exactly how you stood them up because that does matter.

  18. Bonni

    May 4, 2015 at 11:33 pm

    I dated a guy who I’ve known for years, from my hometown, he waited years to ask me out and always wanted to be with me. We started dating in March of last year very slowly and then I had broken up with him in October (7 MOs) because I was talking to another guy and I got confused of his feelings for me. He was very shy and not expressive of his feelings towards me. I ended it very much on impulse. Ever since I ended things with him I have regretted it and only want to get back together. He will still talk to me, we agreed to be friend…. if I text or call him but he is extremely passive and distance. He never initiates the phone calls or text , only I do. I am really nervous to tell him how I feel. I saw him in person this past March because my family does his taxes. He smiled and winked at me like it was old times. He has asked me once over the phone to get something to eat and he’ll say give me a call or I’ll call you back later. He NEVER follows up on what he says, he’s very flaky now. I just want to talk to him in person and tell him exactly how I feel. I need your advice/ help what to do. Should I NC for a couple months and then reach out to him again. I just think it was the biggest mistake ever that I broke up with him and I feel like Ive made mistakes too. Hold a lot of guilt. Do you think I could still get back with him?
    Thank you, Bonni

  19. M.

    April 28, 2015 at 5:56 pm

    Is really standing a guy up on a date a good idea? I sometimes just denied to go on a date in a certain day and I think that was taken like ”I don’t want to date you” by almost all.. I don’t know..Can it be that the guys are just not so into me or just very insecure..??what do you think??

  20. Kat

    April 18, 2015 at 2:29 am

    Hi can you please respond, I have tried posting before!

    My boyfriend broke up w me last friday morning via email. I am devastated. A little bit of background is we were together for almost a year and had been friends about 2 years before that… during that time my now ex fought to be with me and i constantly rejected him due to religious differences; however, round a year ago I confessed my true feelings for him and we started dating.
    When I was not accepting him as my boyfriend but was still kissing him around a year ago, he began to pull away. I, someone who struggles with anxiety, started blowing up his phone hard core. Then a terrible blowing up/ ignoring cycle was started. We had broken up in October for a few weeks and the break up was horrible. He had made it seemed final and had said we weren’t working and then a few days later threatened the cops on me if I kept texting him! Then we got back together early November and had been doing much better November-February. Then my mental health was getting worse and he started a new job and also his gma died the beginning of March. Towards the middle of February the ignoring/ blow up cycle occurred for 1 week. I guess he was upset thinking I wanted to control the relationship. Then we never really got back to where we were and recently he had ignored me for 11 days and I became frantic and yesterday realized his cell wasn’t accepting calls so I left a message on his work voicemail… this morning I emailed him at work telling him to check his personal email… well I got the following…

    1. my phone went off because I had to pay my phone bill or my student loan and chose student loan
    2. I had not been in the office until today
    3. I no longer want to be with you because you go crazy all the time
    4. I hope we can remain friends but that would not be until the distant future
    5. I would appreciate it if you no longer used my means of employment to contact me

    Thank you and sorry for it ending over an email but I can no longer put up with this.
    Have a good day and hopefully we will continue to be friends at a later time.

    Then I replied asking to speak in person… and he said

    I read it already.

    I rather not meet and just stop here. I know that I had previously told you that I would not just stop talking to you but I am giving you reasons to why we will no longer be together as well as a possibility of us speaking again in the future. Sorry, I will be logging off my personal email now.

    Have a good one.


    i then proceeded to send like 50 emails and still wish to send more…yesterday though, I only sent one and today I plan to do NC
    I feel like he does not care a thing about me. How could he just do that via email… also the stuff about being friends??? He is not friends with any of his exes and that’s why I sent tons of emails asking what he really meant and if he really felt. Last time he turned out having only wanted a break so we could work on ourselves but did not communicate that… is that what he *really* wants this time or is it final and completely over?? Please please please help!!!

    I guess I am really really hurt and upset this was done through email. He seriously is the love of my life and he had told me I was different for him than any other girl and he was willing to fight for frustration to be with me because he loved me so much :/

    I feel completely heartbroken. He broke up for like 3.5 weeks in October and didn’t communicate that he really wanted a break and he ws so mean right after the break up. Then when we got back together he said he was too frustrated and we had a little break and now we can work things out… and that the time we spent not talking was for him to work on him and me on myself.

    He knows about all my mental health stuff at the moment too. He also should be in therapy but he isn’t as he has anxiety ptsd and anger issues.

    I feel completely empty. Why did he not tell me his phone would be off? Of course I freaked out. I want to know if he was planning to break up with me these 11 day that he wasn’t speaking or he was just mad and me sending more made it worse.

    I know right now sending more won’t help us break the cycle… even if he did take me back it would put us back in the cycle. I just wanted to speak in person and talk things out. Today is day one of NC and last time I did 21 days and felt better about myself and got him back, but we still both fell back into old habits.

    My issue was I trust him in the sense of fidelity but because of the ignoring I did not trust he would not just never talk to me again and for that reason I would blow up his phone.

    I want to know if I have a chance. Some friends say definitely not others say who knows others say yes because we are codependent. :/

    I don’t know how I will get through this right now. We talked about marriage, our kids, everything and now I feel like he cares nothing about me bc he broke up via email I think out of anger prob bc I contacted his work email.

    I guess I feel hopeless? I want him back and I do not want him to move on. In some of my rash emails 2 days ago I said I could not be his friend bc I could not bear seeing him with another girl… also he does NOT remain friends w exes so that really ticked me off especially since he and I were never completely friends, he wanted to be with me. I have so many questions and want to know his real intentions…if he will work on him and wait for me or if he will think we are hopeless and won’t work and move on :/

    Any advice?

    Also did his email seem mad or was it like he didn’t even care that it was ending…? 🙁 I mean last time we broke up I could tell he was super angry but idk ???? What if he was planning this for days ? Altho I think he would have told me and maybe me contacting him at work was the cherry on top??? Thoughts? Super anxious

    Please help me! I’m super super anxious on Day 6 of No Contact. I am really worried that he was planning the break up or something, idk… even though he tends to act on his emotion so I can’t imagine him mulling over breaking up but IDK AND I’M FREAKING OUT. I will follow any and all advice to get him back!!! My friend said that since my ex didn’t talk to me for 10 days that was 10 days of mulling over his decision and that means my ex was sure about his decision :'(

    Is this true?

    Yes he ignored me for that long and I also kept texting him throughout this time minus two days near the end during which I said nothing

    I think my situation is hopeless based on my friends comment

    1. Kat

      May 1, 2015 at 7:30 pm

      Hi Chris, I’m on day 21 of nc and nothing from him. Feeling hopeless can you please reply to my earlier post/question 🙁

    2. Kat

      April 28, 2015 at 2:20 am

      I know I keep asking and I would really like an answer. Struggling a lot. Should I view the friends in distant future thing as zero chance of getting back together he never wants me again etc… Like it tweaks me out 🙁

    3. Kat

      April 27, 2015 at 8:36 pm

      Hi Chris,
      Can you get back to me ASAP? I’m on day 15 nc now and feeling really anxious … His phone is still off!
      My main question right now is since he told me he hoped we could still be friends but not til the distant future… Does that mean that he no longer wants me ever and plans on moving on and I have no chance???

    4. Kat

      April 25, 2015 at 4:41 am

      Hi Chris I’m glad it can still be effective. I’m not sure if you saw my other question which is is it bad e said the thing about being friends but not til distant future? That is making me so anxious… He didnt say that last time. Is it bad he said it his time??? Maybe he never wants to get back together ever :/ I am finishing day 13 nc and it has been two weeks since break up. Can you please respond about this? Really sorry for all my questions and if I don’t post on support forums I would cave and you have no idea how much I appreciate your feedback. Should I be worried about what he said and the fact he hasn’t said a thing ???

    5. Kat

      April 24, 2015 at 1:37 am

      Also another question is the fact he said friends but not til the distant future bad??? Does that mean he never wants me ever again?

    6. Kat

      April 23, 2015 at 3:18 pm

      Like if his phone is off will nc be as effective?????

    7. Chris Seiter

      April 24, 2015 at 10:33 pm

      Yes it can be.

    8. Kat

      April 23, 2015 at 1:01 pm

      Also, really important question. Does his phone being off extend my no contact period? Like will no contact be less effective w his phone off??? I mean I know I could and had contacted via email too but I’m not sure

    9. Kat

      April 23, 2015 at 3:30 am

      Hi Chris. Thanks for responding
      I’m worried about him moving on right away… Is this normal? Also I’m finishing nc day 11… I’m struggling as I’m insecure and like to know what’s going to happen. Should I do all 30 days nc is it bad he hasn’t talked to me ??

    10. Kat

      April 21, 2015 at 6:55 pm

      What exactly can I do . I guess we fought a lot due to me blowing up his phone and after a while he would get frustrated and the ignore… I’m on day 10 of nc but really want to reach out to him. Also incredibly mad his phone is still off what if he never turns it back on!
      I don’t know if I have a chance. With all the fighting and ignoring and blowing up couldn’t he think we will never work? Also he did it via email also he said he hopes we can still be friends but not til the distant future and that really upset me!
      Also upset me by saying he had given me reasons for why we WILL NO LONGER BE TOGETHER. Does that mean anything in an upset email?

    11. Kat

      April 21, 2015 at 6:32 pm

      Hi Chris, yeah I have read that. We didn’t qualify as anything that were medium bad or horrible but the one most closely relating to us (although not perfectly so) was good chance. Idk tho bc his phone is still off and he hasn’t paid his bill and I’m day 10 nc and idk if I have a shot or he thinks it’s hopeless and we can never work???
      Thoughts 🙁 what do you think ?

    12. Chris Seiter

      April 23, 2015 at 12:04 am

      I say its still early with the phone stuff to be honest.

      You are in day 10 of NC. This process usually will take longer.

    13. Kat

      April 20, 2015 at 9:39 pm

      Hi Chris so you think I have a chance? His phone is still out so I’m annoyed bc if I hadn’t emailed would he just have left me hanging until his phone was back on (bc he was made I had been a text gnat again and got worse and so did he w ignoring)

      I am on day nc I called today blocked to check phone and it’s still off. He hasn’t been on social media either but today is the first day of not looking.
      Do you think I have a chance? This is same reason we broke up last time and my roommate said he is probably done forever bc of his email and bc this is the second time due to the blowing up and maybe he thinks we could never work it out? That’s what roomie said at least but I’m having a hard time w that bc I know he loves me and idk I want is to work it out and I kno we can. I’m in lots of therapy for my issues and like I said tying to cut my obsessive behavior of stalking social media .

      Any advice? Is this hopeless

    14. Chris Seiter

      April 21, 2015 at 5:38 pm

      Did you read my latest blog post,


      That can give you an idea of how good of a shot you have.

    15. Chris Seiter

      April 20, 2015 at 8:54 pm

      No, your friend is wrong.

      Have you ever sat down and thought to yourself, “I loved that movie, I want to watch it again” years after you originally watched it.

      Human being are constantly changing their minds about things.

      The same principle applies to your ex here.

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