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163 thoughts on “EBR 026: How To Get Your Ex Back If It Seems Impossible”

  1. Su

    April 14, 2015 at 12:15 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My lovers and me break up two weeks ago. I made so many mistakes. I asked to help some person to get him. I sent many message to pity me and not go away. He is very angry to me. Can I try he get back to me? Our case is very big. So how long should I keep NC rule? He blocked all of my contact. So, should I go directly to him. I supported umbrella and hat for him via his friend. But he didn’t know till now. He care a lot to me . But now I have many acne on my face. If I wait to clear acne, I take a time 3 month. Should I wait to clean acne?

  2. zuzu

    April 12, 2015 at 4:14 pm

    My boyfriend broke up w me this morning via email. I am devastated. A little bit of background is we were together for almost a year and had been friends about 2 years before that… during that time my now ex fought to be with me and i constantly rejected him due to religious differences; however, round a year ago I confessed my true feelings for him and we started dating.
    When I was not accepting him as my boyfriend but was still kissing him around a year ago, he began to pull away. I, someone who struggles with anxiety, started blowing up his phone hard core. Then a terrible blowing up/ ignoring cycle was started. We had broken up in October for a few weeks and the break up was horrible. He had made it seemed final and had said we weren’t working and then a few days later threatened the cops on me if I kept texting him! Then we got back together early November and had been doing much better November-February. Then my mental health was getting worse and he started a new job and also his gma died the beginning of March. Towards the middle of February the ignoring/ blow up cycle occurred for 1 week. I guess he was upset thinking I wanted to control the relationship. Then we never really got back to where we were and recently he had ignored me for 11 days and I became frantic and yesterday realized his cell wasn’t accepting calls so I left a message on his work voicemail… this morning I emailed him at work telling him to check his personal email… well I got the following…

    1. my phone went off because I had to pay my phone bill or my student loan and chose student loan
    2. I had not been in the office until today
    3. I no longer want to be with you because you go crazy all the time
    4. I hope we can remain friends but that would not be until the distant future
    5. I would appreciate it if you no longer used my means of employment to contact me

    Thank you and sorry for it ending over an email but I can no longer put up with this.
    Have a good day and hopefully we will continue to be friends at a later time.

    Then I replied asking to speak in person… and he said

    I read it already.

    I rather not meet and just stop here. I know that I had previously told you that I would not just stop talking to you but I am giving you reasons to why we will no longer be together as well as a possibility of us speaking again in the future. Sorry, I will be logging off my personal email now.

    Have a good one.


    i then proceeded to send like 50 emails and still wish to send more…yesterday though, I only sent one and today I plan to do NC
    I feel like he does not care a thing about me. How could he just do that via email… also the stuff about being friends??? He is not friends with any of his exes and that’s why I sent tons of emails asking what he really meant and if he really felt. Last time he turned out having only wanted a break so we could work on ourselves but did not communicate that… is that what he *really* wants this time or is it final and completely over?? Please please please help!!!

    I guess I am really really hurt and upset this was done through email. He seriously is the love of my life and he had told me I was different for him than any other girl and he was willing to fight for frustration to be with me because he loved me so much :/

    I feel completely heartbroken. He broke up for like 3.5 weeks in October and didn’t communicate that he really wanted a break and he ws so mean right after the break up. Then when we got back together he said he was too frustrated and we had a little break and now we can work things out… and that the time we spent not talking was for him to work on him and me on myself.

    He knows about all my mental health stuff at the moment too. He also should be in therapy but he isn’t as he has anxiety ptsd and anger issues.

    I feel completely empty. Why did he not tell me his phone would be off? Of course I freaked out. I want to know if he was planning to break up with me these 11 day that he wasn’t speaking or he was just mad and me sending more made it worse.

    I know right now sending more won’t help us break the cycle… even if he did take me back it would put us back in the cycle. I just wanted to speak in person and talk things out. Today is day one of NC and last time I did 21 days and felt better about myself and got him back, but we still both fell back into old habits.

    My issue was I trust him in the sense of fidelity but because of the ignoring I did not trust he would not just never talk to me again and for that reason I would blow up his phone.

    I want to know if I have a chance. Some friends say definitely not others say who knows others say yes because we are codependent. :/

    I don’t know how I will get through this right now. We talked about marriage, our kids, everything and now I feel like he cares nothing about me bc he broke up via email I think out of anger prob bc I contacted his work email.

    I guess I feel hopeless? I want him back and I do not want him to move on. In some of my rash emails 2 days ago I said I could not be his friend bc I could not bear seeing him with another girl… also he does NOT remain friends w exes so that really ticked me off especially since he and I were never completely friends, he wanted to be with me. I have so many questions and want to know his real intentions…if he will work on him and wait for me or if he will think we are hopeless and won’t work and move on :/

    Any advice?

    1. zuzu

      April 18, 2015 at 2:30 am

      Hey can you please get back to me on this! I’m on day 6 nc now and want to see if his phone is back on now nd also want to tell him i love him 🙁

    2. zuzu

      April 15, 2015 at 2:22 am

      Also did his email seem mad or was it like he didn’t even care that it was ending…? 🙁 I mean last time we broke up I could tell he was super angry but idk ???? What if he was planning this for days ? Altho I think he would have told me and maybe me contacting him at work was the cherry on top??? Thoughts? Super anxious

      Please help me! I’m super super anxious on Day 3 of No Contact. I am really worried that he was planning the break up or something, idk… even though he tends to act on his emotion so I can’t imagine him mulling over breaking up but IDK AND I’M FREAKING OUT. I will follow any and all advice to get him back!!! My friend said that since my ex didn’t talk to me for 10 days that was 10 days of mulling over his decision and that means my ex was sure about his decision :'(

      Is this true?

      Yes he ignored me for that long and I also kept texting him throughout this time minus two days near the end during which I said nothing

      I think my situation is hopeless based on my friends comment

  3. Claire

    April 9, 2015 at 6:57 am

    How do I get my ex boyfriend back if I made a huge mistake that is not me at all. Both of us in a drunk state got into a fight and I lost my temper and hit him in the face , he broke up with me the next day and said he won’t work through it and take me back for his own self respect. We were together for 3 and a half years. I made one mistake and he won’t forgive it and he says that’s because he didn’t even get that angry when I hit him he felt like it was normal and that’s not okay , I’ve apologised so much , he still being very nice to me and wants to be friends but he won’t take me back as his girlfriend. I don’t know what to do.

    1. ZUZU

      April 16, 2015 at 6:05 pm

      Hi chris do you have any thoughts? :/

  4. TM

    April 5, 2015 at 2:25 pm

    Hi Chris! My guy and I broke up about three weeks ago due to lost feelings because of distance. Well I randomly found out from work im moving to his city for a couple of months (such coincidence). We been texting very rarely, but seems like he responds if I ever have a question but never initiate the conversation himself. I’m trying the NC rule for three weeks before I’m in his city again for work. Should I text him while I’m in town and bring up the fact I’m moving here if I see him? I want him to feel the challenge again for me and I’m not sure where to start.

  5. Tracy

    April 4, 2015 at 8:40 pm

    Hi there.

    I’ve been in a relationship with my (ex?)boyfriend for slightly more than a year. In the middle I often felt insecure over nothing in particular, and we admittedly argued quite a bit, but he had been tolerant and sweet and reassuring and put in so much effort. Things have been improving and we were closer than ever. The past 3 months, I embarked on an exchange program abroad and it’s the first time we’ve been physically apart for so long.Things weren’t so bad except the time difference reduced a lot of our talking frequency. In March we had a quarrel and he decided maybe we did not fit each other well, but I convinced him otherwise and we decided to give it another shot. But I continued feeling insecure that I would lose him over that one comment that he made and even though we went on as if nothing happened, we were happy, but the past 2 weeks I suppose that insecurity took a toll. I went into NC for a few days and felt I was ready, and things continued being great. But the last week of March I felt it was time to go into NC and give us both some space because I felt myself slipping back into pushy mode, wanting his attention so often, and I did not want to push him further away. But I was not able to do so, and 3 days ago he decided to break it off with me.
    He then reluctantly agreed to give it another shot with me, but he emphasized not to get my hopes up and he claimed that he can’t say that he loves me anymore. It all feels too sudden to me. So now we’re trying things out again but I am not sure if I should do the NC now, will it be a good idea? He is a stubborn guy and once he makes up his mind, he rarely changes it. I am feeling hopeful but I dare not hope as well, since he has specified not to get my hopes up 🙁

    1. Tracy

      April 9, 2015 at 2:07 am

      Does anyone have any comments or opinions because I feel like this has still not sunk in :/

  6. Amanda

    April 4, 2015 at 12:48 am

    Oh and he told me there were other girls.

  7. Amanda

    April 4, 2015 at 12:47 am

    Sorry I just saw where you replied to me asking for more info. Well I made the relationship complicated because I always pushed him away and I did some pretty awful things to him. No I never cheated, I just did other things to hurt him. I’ve put him through a lot and he told me to my face he does not want to date me again or ever have a relationship with me again. I really need your help please 🙁

  8. katie.p

    April 3, 2015 at 8:00 pm

    Hello dear Chris (same name with my ex !!!)
    First of all you are doing an amazing job for all us the broken hearted.
    Now what I would like to ask is your prediction on my case and your opinion. It’s a pretty common case where the couple is madly in love but constantly fighting. The last three months we went crazy with those fights we kept breaking up again and again and again. We extremely hard tried to focus on the root of the problem but as I understood it is that 1st we are different 2nd he is becoming blind with his selfish side. Anyway. He broke up with me,I admit that I reacted super bad as the last three times he broke up with me with such cruelty. But after four to five days of pleading And eating my own flesh I decided to say it’s over. I called him I explained for the last time my point of view I saw he couldn’t even understand and said goodbye. He was devastated,i can tell. But he is gone. No texts,no calls,nothing. We’re working at the same building and whenever we happened to bump to each other he is staring at me with his sad puppy eyes. Anyway. The fact is that he is gone. Two weeks now. No contact from both sides. Gone. Only after my last text about his stuff and if he wants them ,he posted afterwards public on Facebook something relevant (like a sad song). I don’t know Kevin I said it’s over I don’t deserve all this pain for nothing for all my hard work. But I love him. I just do, and maybe the worst part that keeps small tiny piece of my heart hanging there is that I deeply believe he loves me too and wants me. And the. I refocus and get mE and say no if he did he would be here. Please any confront words and advices about the handling? I’d appreciate it deeply!

  9. Ashley

    April 1, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    Hi Chris!

    Me again.. Bahaha. I finished NC Monday, and I’m trying to think of a really good first text. Was hoping I could run a couple by you. I figured there’s probably a chance I’m blocked, but I’ll go for it anyways since I can only find out by calling him (how awkward if it were to go through)!! Think I should start off with the I have a confession text because there may be a stronger chance he responds with that one first & then follow up with one of these:

    “I just saw the first trailer for Spectre. It made me think about you and how much you like James Bond movies. To be honest, it actually made me smile :)”

    Or.. I kinda got this idea from your book.

    “I was going through my stack of photos and found one of us from Snoqualmie Falls. It made me think of you and how much fun we had that day. I actually smiled”

    Wasn’t sure if that last one maybe came on too strong. Can’t tell you enough how great your articles and book are. Thanks Chris!

    1. admin

      April 2, 2015 at 11:44 pm

      Hi Ashley!

      What did you honestly think of the Spectre movie trailer?

      I loved it!

      I love Bond.

      I think you are doing good. I really do.

    2. Ashley

      April 3, 2015 at 7:55 pm

      I sent the first one about the Bond trailer last night and he did NOT respond.. Then I ended up seeing him on the bus to campus today! Awkward! Maybe it’ll work and he will respond if I try again in a week or so.

      But I loved it also! Bond movies are some of the best.

      And November seems so far away!

  10. Amanda

    April 1, 2015 at 1:37 am

    Hi Chris. I do not know what to do anymore. My ex and I have had a very complicated relationship from the start and a lot of rough things happened in the last month. He is saying now that he does not want a relationship with me again and there are several other girls. What do I do 🙁

    1. admin

      April 2, 2015 at 11:25 pm

      Can you give me more information?

  11. JJ-

    March 31, 2015 at 5:33 pm

    was doing great, we were hanging out finally, joking and stuff, then he kissed me.We made out a little, I told him sternly “hey we can’t do this because you can’t commit to me. He was instantly filled with shame and was like “I’m so sorry, wow. That makes perfect sense.” and we stopped and we went back to the tv room and just talked a bit and changed the subject . Later in the conversation he apologized for letting himself get carried away and wanted me to know that was not his intentions when he said he wanted to spend time with me, he said it’s not in his character to even try to have sex with me if he hadn’t been feeling anything emotionally deeper was possible, which worried him because for so long he’s been so set that romantically we can’t be together right now. He continued to keep bringing up “us” , he was very emotionally unsettled and expressed it was because for so long he was so sure this “plan” of needing to be on a break (its been 6 months) was necessary and now he’s feeling like it might really not be such a bad thing to try again and said he didn’t want to speak too soon, but lately this past few weeks he’s really been thinking about it. We cuddled while talking about this, talked for a really long time. We ended up having sex. (BAD BAD BAD I KNOW I KNOW x( ) after sex we continued talking and he continued to re-bring up how he doesn’t know if he’s so sure about staying on the break anymore. We stayed up really late talking and kissing,talking about how natural this all felt, just being with eachother, feeling so safe. We went to sleep in each others arms when we got sleepy and we said goodbye to each other with zero awkwardness before we both left for our classes this morning. But still I am anticipating complete loss of all my progress with him because I know you always say that sleeping before commitment is a no no, shoot, even I always said that sleeping before commitment was a no no. I’m mad because initially i tried to lay down the law, but down the road i ended up crumbling. Not sure where to go from here but i guess NC while he sorts things out in his head. He’s a sweet guy, I know he isn’t just playing me, he’s genuinely in an emotionally confused place- or rather in a mind vs. heart battle. But i’m preparing for the worst case scenario when he finally does contact me. As in me losing all my value and progress. Ugh.

    1. admin

      March 31, 2015 at 10:56 pm

      Yes I think you have a really good grasp of the situation.

      NC is what I would do if I was you (for a bit at least.)

    2. JJ-

      April 2, 2015 at 6:48 am

      day one of mini NC and he’s been a total text gnat, last text was a longish one where in a nutshell he said like ‘hes been thinking and it wasn’t right of us to have sex and we can’t do that anymore, but he really enjoyed talking with me and being around me and would like to start hanging out with me more and more and he misses his best friend (me), but like – no more sex’

      im interpreting this text in a few ways.
      like in a sense he doesn’t want to have sex without commitment anymore either and he feels we went from 0-100 too quickly , like he’s kinda embarrassed

      but he still wants to push re-start in a way? and try going back to hanging out from scratch as if that didn’t happen and seeing what comes of it ? (like falling back together?????)

      i dunno

    3. JJ-

      March 31, 2015 at 10:30 pm

      like ive been at this for months and i would just hate it if by doing that I have undid those months or added on additional ones. ugh. i was so close and now i feel so helpless and hopeless and he says we will sort through those things together but I know today he has homework and a concert to go to but being alone with all these thoughts is driving me insane.

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