It’s crucial. Yeah, absolutely. I also want to make a distinction. I think there’s an important distinction to make between the type of long distance relationship where you ex is like a 2 hours drive away versus the other side of the world. If you are in India and your ex is in Canada. That’s a long distance. It’s probably unfeasible ever. Whereas if it’s a few hours down the road, you can visit on weekends. That’s a completely different story and it’s almost not even long distance really at all.
I am actually going to disagree. So, we can exchange blows on this one. I think both in this situation that we’re specifically talking about and generally speaking, I’ve noticed this a lot with my coaching clients. People usually take their ex’s words at face value but I think in this case and in many cases, if not most, that’s not the real reason for the break up. I think that this person’s ex, the army training moving across country is just an excuse because they don’t want to hurt their ex by saying the real reasons why they want to break up.
Because really when you think about it and I like to talk a lot about the importance of attraction in romantic relationships and rebuilding your ex’s attraction for you and if that attraction is strong enough, and again that’s sexual, emotional attraction, that’s going to over power any logical concerns about distance or whatever and it’s not really going to lead to things like what we just talked about.
Now obviously in this case, the reason is army. So, all the things you talked about apply. He’s probably going to be shipped overseas for 6 months regularly. So, if they are going to be together, that has to be something that both of them are ok with but in this case, it just seems to me a little fishy. I think that her ex is probably using this as an excuse to justify the break up without hurting her.
So, my advice and what I disagree with you is basically I would not even consider what he said about that. I think that the real reasons for the break up are, he’s just not into the relationship enough to keep trying, to try and make it work for however long he’s going to be away in the long distance and if he was, it just didn’t hurt enough and if they were madly in love, they’d find a way to make it work. They’d come up with a plan to be together in the future and this wouldn’t be an issue.
So, my take is most of the time, your ex is, what they say after the break up ro the reasons for the break up are either completely false or partially true. So we disagree once again which is great. Living up to the title of the video there.
Amber Quibodeaux
April 12, 2019 at 4:57 am
My ex fiance of 7 years kicked me out of our house and left me for his brother’s baby mother. She moved in the day after I left. It was a very rough breakup for both of us. We worked side by side with each other and I was still in the throes of love. I’m 33 and never been married or had kids so I just Knew he was the one. SO I was so devastated when he left me for her. Not to mention, she is only 20 years old and he is 40! Also, to make matters worse I was told that she did a love spell on him, so I had to watch the horrendous love affair blossom right in front of my eyes because we worked together, side by side. I believe that if she had not done a love spell, he would have never left me, so I am stuck in Limbo. It might sound crazy or silly about the spell, but these beliefs are rampant around here. Please HELP! I am trying to desparately get him back and if not, I need to move on.
Update: They broke up, but the young girl is now playing both brothers, and when she and the other brother get back together, my ex comes running back to me. When her and his brother breaks up, my ex goes back to her and leaves me hanging, even though we continue to sleep with each other. PLEASE HELP
betty
January 14, 2017 at 2:57 pm
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for six months that’s last year jan to June we talked about the issue and he forgave me, we spent quality time together bt when August came he said that he was struggling with our love and I should let it take a natural course I was confused bt I waited patiently we still met for short period of time and we even got intimate he even assured me that he would love me again then in the beginning of this year he told me that he’s not sure if his heart will accept me again so I told him I would be patient we even met and got intimate on jan third then on jan fifth he becomes cold with me he doesn’t pick my calls nor reply my call so I decided to give him time, texted him next day and he told me he had decided to be single untill further notice, I just said okay, he then texted me on eighth telling m to work hard in school I cried coz I miss bjm so much bt didn’t reply he even wished me a goodnight the same day, but replied the ne xt day, I wanted to start the nc but found my self calling him on 10th Jan asking him why and he told me that it’s not his fault I should concentrate on my studies it’s hard to keep my focus coz I miss him so much and ilove him what will I do
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 14, 2017 at 4:54 pm
Hi Betty,
if you are going to do the no contact rule, do 45 days and dont ever sleep with him again unless you’re officially back together
Anca
January 12, 2017 at 2:01 pm
Hey!
My bf broke up with me almost a month ago, after almost 2 years of dating. We had the best relationship ever, physically and emotionally (his words), but lately we got lazy and he feels he needs time alone. He had an infernal schedule the last couple of months and I was going through something as well, so things kind of changed since we first started dating (when we were both extremely active, social and positive people). He says I am everything he could ask for, but he is not ready yet. That we let ourselves go and we took each other for granted and needs to be alone.
We talked briefly on Christmas, wishing each other well and after that just a text he sent me to thank me for a gift I had to get him as secret santa. Then I started NC, that is 16 days ago, but he won’t text me either. I don’t know if I should follow your program, or just wait for him to come back. He doesn’t want me to wait for him, because I deserve so much more, but the thought of me being with someone else is unbearable (his words). I know from his mom that he was really sad during the holidays, and he is constantly going out with friends to keep himself busy.
In the meantime, I started working on myself: lost 15lbs, go out with friends, doing exercise, read a lot…I feel a little better, but he’s always always on my mind and I want him back so much!
I purchased all of Chris’s books and they are very helpful, but I am in doubt whether should I continue with the plan, or let him be for as long as he needs. (He even talked about how I’ll change- cut my hair and stuff like that- by the time he comes back to me, but also said that he doesn’t know when or if will that be..)
Any ideas?
Anca
January 14, 2017 at 3:06 pm
I am already improving myself and making plans that make me feel better, traveling and everything. But I don’t know if I should stick with the 30days NC and then initiate texting (like Chris’s plan) or just adapt to my situation and wait for him to make the first step (which can be tomorrow, in a month, in a year, never..)
And as for the time limit, honestly, I don’t want to be very strict. Maybe I set the date to be june 3rd and he calls on the 4th and I know I would bend my own rule. And knowing this now, it’s not helpful to think at a limit (knowing it doesn’t mean that much).
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 14, 2017 at 4:57 pm
if its hard for you to set a limit..then do 45 days and then initiate contact
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 13, 2017 at 1:35 pm
HI Anca,
so, it’s like you’re just going to do nc and be active in improving yourself longer than usual and not initiate texting? If that’s so, set a limit on until when you do that.
Sarah
January 10, 2017 at 7:44 am
Hi,
I’ve tried the NC with my ex a month ago but it doesn’t seem to work. We work at the same place which also makes it difficult. What can I do? Should I try a shorter NC?
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 11, 2017 at 8:49 am
Hi Sarah,
follow the advice on this one:
EBR 032: What To Do If You Work With Your Ex Boyfriend2015/04/22 EBR 009: The No Contact
Dorothee
January 10, 2017 at 3:47 am
Thanks for this great video 🙂
My question! I completed a first no contact after a break up mid November (my ex texted me twice during that time) followed by a lot of your steps but saw my ex before completing all the building value steps and we ended up being intimate too early.
I have messaged him a few times since including for new year’s and he is answering but not initiating the texts. The only time he texts is when I don’t contact him for a while.
As my ex is completing his divorce he is in an odd spot emotionally and this is why he split from us, to protect me, us, himself, his kids (that I never met but he so afraid if we get more serious what will happen if we break up). But he is giving me mixed signals, he is jealous but saying I should date, he is asking me indirectly to wait but says I deserve more etc. For new year’s he basically wished me health and patience. But it is like a subtle way to ask me to be patient with him because no one ever wishes patience on new year’s lol.
So I have decided to start a second no contact and give him space to complete his divorce (matter of weeks I hope) and have some time after alone to figure things out. I am hoping this second no contact will let him miss me and come back to me in the next weeks or months. Do you think it is a good way to go? All the while concentrating on myself, my new job etc…Doing sports, seeing friends.
Direct from his mouth when I saw him “we were happy together” but his heart is closed off with good reason with the divorce he is going through with his ex (she is being very difficult), he is trying to hold it together and be a good dad. But I would hope he could see we are good together.
I know I shouldn’t have been intimate but I don’t regret it…I just need advice to best move on and increase my chances to get him back. We have such good energy, chemistry, a real connection and I don’t want to lose it on a matter of timing or divorce. When we met and for the first 4 months we were in a great place (by then he was separated for 2 years). But as soon as divorce proceedings hardened he became distant, but it has nothing to do with us. It is all about his past.
Any advice? I hope I will get an answer to this comment as I am not sure you got my few other comments 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
January 11, 2017 at 8:27 am
Hi Dorothee,
I think your plan is solid.. just stick to it. Make him miss you by moving on without fully moving on