And you’re pissed off that you can’t go to–and a movie on Friday out with your boyfriend. Like get out of here but I agree with you, it’s really, really hard to get people to get out of their head to just, to not be so focused and a lot of that for me has been, it’s honestly, it’s sitting with them and because I really believe the client is the expert of their life.
So, I’m the type of therapist, if you came to me, I’m not going to say, “Well, you have mommy issues, daddy issues, you’re this, you’re that.” That’s more of like old school way of therapy and that’s great for some people. But I’m more of a post modern therapist. We’re more solution focused.
So, when people come in and they say, I want to talk about your solutions and actually I want to dissect what’s going well in your life and kind of figure out what are the components of your strength of any strengths or things that are going well because then we can use those strengths to attack a problem which is helpful in this situation because a lot of you who are focused on what they don’t have from that other person.
So, I actually will force them to try –I guess you could use the word, whether it’s perspective or a lot of entrepreneurs say the pivot. I kind of force them to look at things that are going well in their lives. Even the fact that like, what enabled them to make a decision to come to therapy? Was it for them selves or was it for the other person to try to tease that out.
And even if they’re like–so, some people oddly enough–I’ve had a client who came to me who didn’t like his day job but he was really good at it and it was actually flashing out that –he brought a lot of strengths to this job he didn’t care for and he realized that one of the reasons he didn’t like this job so much is that he was going to work just focused on the boyfriend that had just broken up with him 6 months before. It was totally like, it was the rose colored–he said an sh word that he called like sh colored glasses.
That’s when he realized he was wearing this glasses and kind of taking them to work and in other aspects of his life and kind of not seeing what he was bringing to the table for other people. And so that was a very–because it’s all about validation. When we’re broken up with somebody, there’s this feeling when we don’t feel validated as a person.
So, instead of seeking that in someone else, I’m giving 37:00 where are we finding validation in other parts of your life. So, if it’s not in this relationship and I say this to your listeners, if you’re wanting somebody back right now, what is it about that relationship that makes you feel like you are worthy to be on this planet. That you are a person of value?
Whatever that is, I just want to challenge you, are there other aspects of your life that you being there gotten that before or that you are getting now? And look at those, and give way to those because sometimes we 37:31 and say, they’re not that important.
When really, it’s kind of huge that you can show up to work and be a good employee or that you’re a great daughter to your mom. And you’re able to like have a great relationship with her. Those are of value.
Alexis
December 1, 2016 at 3:47 pm
Hi Chris,
I know your program is usually used by women who want their ex back, but I’m in a situation where although I deeply care about and love this person and I’d like to see things work out, it doesn’t seem like that would be healthy. My ex boyfriend was very jealous, insecure, controlling and possessive throughout our relationship. He would constantly accuse me of talking to other guys (I wasn’t) or find something “wrong” (like my shirt was too sheer or he saw pictures in my phone that didn’t exist), etc. In addition he would gaslight and make me think I said things that I know I did not. Within the first few weeks of dating he wanted to move in and was talking about marriage and getting me pregnant “by accident” only a couple of months in…these were red flags that I know I ignored and my therapist says that his twisting my words and controlling behavior was actually emotional abuse. I am using the no contact rule as a way of healing because I have used your methods before to get over an ex who cheated (he did eventuallly try to come back, but I never left no contact and am much happier).
I’m just wondering if you have any insight into when you just shouldn’t take an ex back, especially if there is abuse. I miss him terribly, but I know that he’s not healthy.
Seeking clarity,
Alexis
EBR Team Member: Amor
December 2, 2016 at 12:42 am
Hi Alexis,
if there is abuse, that’s for sure that you shouldn’t get back with him. Check this too:
When Should You Stop Trying To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Apricotjelly
November 30, 2016 at 4:01 am
I started being friends again with my ex and things seemed to be going good, but I became pushy and needy and as a result he started avoiding me. I confronted him about it and he said he felt I wasnt over it and I was trying to force intimacy and he didnt feel comfortable with it and he thought we shouldnt hang out too much for now. I said I was upset he had lied to me instead of being upfront and started limiting my contact with him, so to make up for it he invited me for drinks with one of his friends yesterday. I said I was busy. Now he has invited me to his house warming party and I have told him I am not sure I will be able to attend. On the one hand I feel like he´s giving me breadcrumps and doing it for charity since I dont have many friends here (I moved here following him), also I think he wants me there because he wants his party to be a success. Also it would help me remove my neediness aura. On the other hand I could show up looking hot and just have a good time and show I´m over all the drama, he always gets good opinions of me from his friends and he knows a couple of his friends like me. He seems to be super cool with it and says he´s happy for me, I dont want to end up on the friend zone either. What should I dooo.
EBR Team Member: Amor
November 30, 2016 at 8:08 pm
Hi Apricot Jelly,
Make a new friends, have your own life before trying to reconnect again. And take it slow when you start to build rapport again.
Patricia
November 22, 2016 at 10:07 pm
Really liked this interview! This line in particular spoke to me: “sometimes the characters of anger or fear or doubt or loneliness often write stories of our chapters of our life. And it’s not necessarily this story we want to write.” Hits home!