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8,582 thoughts on “The Complete Guide For Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back”

  1. Noelle

    February 9, 2016 at 9:28 pm

    Do you think this could work if it was a long distance relationship?

    we were together for 3 years and the reason why we broke up is because he didnt want to do long distance anymore. He also didnt want me to move to him, because that means that i have to live with him and we are only 24 and it’s serious commitment blah blah blah. Othere than that, we were handling LDR pretty well, both of us were happy and everything was perfect until he freaked out (in my opinion) and decided to handle the situation rationally. He admitted that he still love me but the reality of the situation made him love me less and he didnt want to lead me on.

    What do you think?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 11, 2016 at 9:19 am

      That’s really hard, for now if you can’t make a way to visit each other then for the time being it’s either he agrees to do it virtually or you have to wait for the right time.

    2. Noelle

      February 10, 2016 at 4:08 pm

      i forget to mention that we had a really civil conversation 2 weeks ago and i asked if he would find me again in 2 years time? he said he would if he was single and that right now, he needed distance from me.

      do i still wait for a mnth?

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 11, 2016 at 10:44 am

      For me yes, it’s better to try and then realize at least you tried instead of ref
      gretting what if .

  2. Sarah

    February 9, 2016 at 9:02 pm

    Hi,

    About a week ago my boyfriend broke up with me. It’s kinda complicated but we have technically been together for 4 years and have broken up in the past for one whole year… and to be honest… I did everything an ex girlfriend is NOT supposed to do when her boyfriend breaks up with her. Regardless, he somehow ended up coming back to me and now 6 months later… he broke up with me again. He told me he doesn’t think he loves me anymore… and I am still very much in love with him. I’ve been trying to stay as strong as possible and not text him or call him and I did pretty well the first week and he actually contacted me twice last week telling me he misses me and he’s lonely and he always finds himself reaching for his phone to call me. That was last thursday. Unfortunately today i lost it and texted him how much I’m missing him and how much I wish we could just work things out.

    Basically, I am wondering what I am supposed to do in this case? I am hoping that he will come back to my (obviously… as do I think anyone that comes to visit this website) but I’m scared I have no hope because he told me he doesn’t think he loves me anymore. Do you think time and space from me will make him realize that he misses me a lot and realizes he wants to be with me? What do you think my chances are?

    I really need advice 🙁

    Thank you so much. And to every other girl here…. know that we are in this together! I hope everyone finds happiness and I wish you all the success at getting your boyfriends back! I really do!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 11, 2016 at 9:08 am

      So, he didnt reply when you texted him again? Though I can’t guarantee you’ll win him back, the most common scenario with success stories is that they learned to value themselves during nc and, sometimes they manage to move kn and raise their standards. The ex sees that and gets attracted and because he remembers the happy memories while he’s attracted to the new you, he’s also gets challenged because of how you learned to value yourself more.

  3. Tonya Kar

    February 9, 2016 at 6:50 am

    My ex boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship. He cheated on me and I found out but did not leave him. However 2 weeks later when I returned home he broke up with me over the phone. He told me he wanted to remain friends and I fell for it. Two weeks after the break up I saw him on social media kissing another girl and I freaked out and said some nasty things to him that hurt his ego. We didn’t speak for 2 months. I felt awful about the things I said and tried to apologise numerous times. After 2 weeks of arguing about the break up and what I said we are finally speaking about normal things. But he is hot one minute and cold the next. He also doesn’t trust me with knowing anything about his life at the moment..

    How do I get him to trust me again? And will I be able to get him back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 10, 2016 at 11:43 am

      Hi Tonya,

      shouldn’t he be the one getting your trust back?

    2. Tonya Kar

      February 9, 2016 at 6:55 am

      I forgot to mention we were together for 1 year and 10 months and have never broken up before.

  4. Jennifer

    February 7, 2016 at 7:10 pm

    Hi,

    I have a really complicated situation and I’m not sure how to go about this. My ex and I just broke up a month ago after over 7 years together. We have always lived in the same area, but he recently took a temporary job on the opposite side of the country for 10 months (started in Sept 15). He was gone three months and things were hard. We’re both busy and barely made time to talk, and when we did make time I was rather bratty and would just complain about how he never made time. Then he came home for the holidays and we had an amazing 2 weeks together. He went back to finish the program (ends in July) and a week after he went back he broke up with me. He said he was unsure about if we had a future together and that he felt differently about me. We have very different career paths right now and he’s uncertain of his next step after this program ends in July. He tried talking to me about going back to school or doing another program but that he may not do either of those back where we live. I was incredibly selfish and unsupportive and told him time and time again if he ended up not coming back that I would not stay with him (truth be told, I would have. I was being selfish). I think that may have contributed a lot to his concerns of our future and his feelings towards me and led to the breakup. Anyway, I’m obviously devastated because we talked about marriage and he even talked to his family about marrying me, so I feel like I just lost the one. We talked about 3 times in the first week and have not spoken since (over 3 wks now). I’m not sure what to do because I can’t exactly follow the steps above since he’s going to be gone for 6 more months on the other side of the country and I can’t go there because I’m busy here. I’m afraid our situation makes the trying to reconcile impossible. I need advice 🙁

    1. Jennifer

      March 6, 2016 at 5:04 pm

      I could try push pull but could you perhaps explain it to me a little more because I don’t really get it. Our only form of communication since he’s away is text/call. How do I push pull with just that? He always texts or calls first and even when I start lagging in the conversation, whether on purpose or not, he’ll keep texting me or even be a little, i don’t know, clingy, and be like oh i guess you’re busy doing something else or i guess you’re talking to someone else, just so he can regrab my attention and get me to answer. So I feel like if I answer at all in push pull then stop answering he’s just going to be confused more than anything haha. Maybe that’s the point of it?

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 7, 2016 at 3:18 pm

      well, that’s good because he’s always initiating.. basically you just have to gauge if it’s too much of convo and you can let him know what you’re doing so you don’t seem rude after saying goodbye and not replying when texts or calls again hours later.. For example if you went three days of talking to each other, go silent the fourth day.. July is far off, so, basically do a lot of things too.. So you can talk about something new, keep up to date with what’s happening.. I know talking is not issue now but just something for later on, so it don’t get boring.

    3. Jennifer

      March 6, 2016 at 2:20 am

      We waited about 21 days NC and then have been talking pretty consistently ever since (over a month talking now). The talks are great and friendly (and sometimes we fall into old habits and cross some lines) but as I mentioned before he’s going to be gone until July so we can’t really meet up or work on anything in person. I always let him initiate conversation first. I never text him first. But I can’t help but feel like he’s just comfortable talking to me and likes that he still has someone who is in his corner and supports him no matter what. He’s in a really stressful program and we talk about it. He has other things going on and we talk about it. He asks about my life and stuff all the time too but I just wonder if he just contacts me so much because he knows I’ll be there for him and that I’m going to be available to talk about anything, good or bad. I know one thing for sure is that he’s still really confused about his feelings and concerned for the future and stressed. I don’t press him on anything like that because I enjoy our talks and don’t want the drama. But should I try to do a little NC again and see if that gives him more time to figure out if he really misses me as his gf or if he’s just totally content with our friendly chats? I don’t want to be used for comfort and convenience.

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 6, 2016 at 8:06 am

      hmm why not try the push pull method?

    5. Jennifer

      February 8, 2016 at 5:29 pm

      Yes, we were very friendly but those last talks were immediately after we broke up.

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 9, 2016 at 9:56 am

      Yeah it’s going to be harder. The only way is if you haven’t talked for three weeks now, and if you think 21 days no contact is appropriate enough for him to miss you or to kind of like a restart, then reach out. If not, wait until you reach 30 days then initiate contact. Slowly, connect with him before he goes abraod so, you can continue it even just in chat or text.

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 8, 2016 at 5:48 am

      Hi Jennifer,

      Have you been friendly in your last talks?

  5. Nicole

    February 7, 2016 at 2:50 pm

    Hello~ Here’s my situation and I’m hoping for a little advice…
    My and my ex had been a couple for almost eight months when he broke up with me a little over a month ago in December. Our relationship hadn’t been perfect, like for most of it he hadn’t been the best boyfriend, he was always busy, breaking promises to me, hanging out with his friends in any free time he had even though we would never get to hang out and such – but then about a month before our break up he changed. Again, it wasn’t perfect, but he was trying hard, trying to show me how much he loved me and, even though through the course of our relationship he told me he loved me so many times, for the first time I was actually starting to believe him. We got closer, he wanted to be with me all the time, he told me he couldn’t bear the thought of losing me, he was talking about moving in together and marrying me in the future (we’re both pretty young). And then we had a stupid fight. It was nothing compared to other fights we’d had. We were supposed to go on a date but he never showed up at my house, his phone was off, and so I went to his house to wait for him with his roommate/my friend because I was a bit worried as well. He came home late and didn’t say anything to me when he saw me, talked with his roommate for a little and then fell asleep, exhausted, for a moment before I woke him up. I guess the fight doesn’t really matter. He ignored me and I tried to let him have his time before wanting to talk about it and work it out quickly – but he just told me to leave. So I did. Over the next week we had no contact and that weekend when I saw him during a dance thing we had, he was busy and couldnt talk. He told me to come to his house on Monday and we would talk, I was afraid he wanted to break up because of my insecurities, and also he was acting cold, but he told me that he didn’t, and he was sorry and just wait for him a little bit. My worries were relieved. The next day I had to go to his house doing a favor for his roommate and he was having fun with his friends, kind of ignoring me. I got impatient and asked him if we could just talk then, and he said to just wait until tomorrow, reassured me again that he didnt want to break up and I went on my way. On Monday I was positive, sure that we could fix this little spat and on my way to his house, I called him. He canceled the call and sent me a text he was working and would call me when he was done. We live close and I was already at his house so I just went to a cafe for a little and tried to contact him again a bit later… Long story short he didn’t really reply, I just went to his house and waited there alone until he came home. Again, he kind of ignored me for a bit until i insisted we talk and he just said he knew we had to talk but he didnt know what to say. And then suddenly he told me not to cry. And then he broke up with me. Naturally I did cry and I kind of begged. I was pathetic. He told me he couldn’t make me happy, to find a good guy, that he didn’t love me anymore and started feeling that way a few weeks ago while I thought everything was great. I felt like an idiot and even more so when his roommate came in, upset, and he showed more concern over her than me. Anyways, he told me he still wanted to be friends, hugged me when I asked for a hug before I went and then kissed me(which i did NOT ask for, he just said “i’ll give you one last kiss” and did it)

    So I’d seen articles like these and launched into NC. I did have to see him a few time because our activities make it so we have to interact but I either ignored him or was polite when he tried talking to me, and when we did have to talk, it was always him who initiated the contact. It was hard for me to hang out with friends because most of my friends are his friends and he kind of hoarded them all, but I did try to go on with my life. I actually read a lot of books about relationships, trying to get over him or to try and figure out how to get him back and I found out the things I’d done wrong in the relaionship (before I had thought he was the only one at fault tbh) and Id been working on myself – but I kept thinking about him, which I know is wrong. anyways. 30 days were almost up when on the 26th day something bad happened to him. This is where I think I might have screwed things up… So he’d done a lot of bad things, like lying, and his friends found out about it and a big happening occurred. I heard from them about it and, already knowing about the lies and having spent the last month forgiving him in my heart, wasn’t mad and was worried instead. So i called him and asked him to meet me. We talked and he told me about the lies and how his friends were mad at him, he also told me sorry a lot for how he treated me when we were together, he almost started to cry and I grabbed his hands and from that point we kind of held hands over the table the whole time we were talking. I told him I forgave him and that everything would be fine and he thanked me for taking him out and making him feel better, said he liked it because it was comfortable. Then before we went our separate ways I told him I wanted to give us another chance. He smiled, like he was happy and then told me to wait for this mess to be taken care of.

    So over the next few days the mess was taken care of and we kind of saw each other every day, he acted like he did when we were a couple, just minus the kissing and intimate stuff. So I asked him about it again, told him since i was honest with my feelings he should be honest with me and just tell me if he wanted to give us another try too. And he said right now he just wanted to focus on being a good friend to me and everyone and that maybe in the future his feelings might change, but that I’m one of his most important friends and that he doesn’t want to lose me. Sighs. So I said okay and we could continue being friends. So maybe I’ve been friendzoned… Anyways, I’ve been kind of nervous because of reasons and I’ve been contacting him once a day, seeing him once a week about, until a few days ago I was having a little break down because of stress and I just wanted to talk to him and hang out and forget about what’s bothering me, but he didn’t reply to my text after a hello and wouldn’t answer my calls even though he said he would call me. It’s been two days and I haven’t contacted him and I know he won’t try and talk to me first so I just don’t know what to do at this point…

    I’m sorry that was long and probably a lot of unnecessary information, but… if I could get some advice, I would really appreciate it ;;

    1. Nicole

      February 8, 2016 at 8:28 pm

      Thank you for your reply!

      And yes… I’ve always been the chaser – honestly I prefer being the chaser because I’m impatient and prefer to do things my way haha. Is being the chaser always such a bad thing..?

      And so I’m assuming you’re telling me I should back off from him instead of “chasing”? I was going to wait a few days before trying to contact him again.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 9, 2016 at 9:24 am

      Yes, it’s bad if you’re always chasing. That means the relationship is imbalanced.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 7, 2016 at 6:24 pm

      Hi Nicole,

      It looks like you’re back to being the chaser. The tricky part on trying getting an ex back, is for him to see you’re looking more attractive and that you have also moved on. You to go from being the girl who was always there for him to being this attractive girl he used to be with and then now he regrets that you’re not chasing him anymore, so basically he will gravitate towards you after that because you’ve become the ungettable girl. But in your part, it’s either you’ve really moved on or you just improved physically and became emotionally stronger by knowing your value while still loving him

  6. Jenn

    February 4, 2016 at 9:24 pm

    I’m hoping your team can help me with my situation.

    My ex and I were together for 8 years and have now been broken up for about 2.5 years. During the breakup, he would reach out to me every few weeks via text, email or call and see how I was and catch up with me. He invited me out a few times too and yes things did get physical after the first few encounters. Now 2.5 years later, we are still circling each other and I keep getting mixed signals from him. He says things like he’ll always love me, he thinks about me everyday, he talks to his mom/friends about me, he could see us having a family together etc etc. I finally asked if he wanted to discuss getting back together and he said he didn’t know and wasn’t sure where his head is. I realize that after so long if someone can’t tell you 100% they want to be with you, you should accept it but it’s hard for me to move on when every time I try, he’s back in the picture (and yes, I let him back in my life) telling me things or with sweet gestures that leave me confused and stuck in this merry-go-round. Please help me with what you think the best path forward would be for me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 5, 2016 at 10:09 am

      Hi Jenn,

      Have you considered doing nc?

  7. Hayleah

    February 4, 2016 at 9:19 pm

    Hi there,

    My boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me yesterday as he feels he really needs to focus on school. i know that he is super stressed out, but i never thought that getting rid of me would help him in school. We go to different Universities, but i come home once a week for a night at least, sometimes 2. Distance has never been an issue, but i feel as thought he has these expectations of what a relationship is supposed to be, and if he doesn’t meet the requirements, then he is failing. i have told him constantly that i understand when he can’t talk to me because he is studying or going to the gym because i love when he does things for himself as he is an extremely selfless individual. He believes that i should be his number one priority, and i honestly disagree at this point in our lives. We are students and cannot afford to go out on dates all of the time nor do we have the time. AND i am OKAY with that. More than okay, I’m happy that we are able to understand that of each other. We text a little throughout the day and always ended the day with an awesome fun filled FaceTime call. He mentioned to me that he feels like he’s on a different level than me in our relationship which always confused me. Being super excited about seeing him and kissing him is my personality and has never reflected a “level” that i am currently at. I do not have high expectations for him as i used to. Last semester i was extremely depressed and i believe i made him felt like a bad boyfriend because i wanted attention all the time. Now having a clear mindset, i have learned to work on myself and my emotions and i know that i am different. I just can’t help but feel as though he is still thinking of how i treated him when i was in that state. i know that i do not keep him from his studies, i think he is overwhelmed with so much. he isn’t doing too great in school, and i believe it has to do with a high demand that his family has placed on him.

    i am a VERY emotional person, and he expected me to be a wreck when he broke up with me. and i handled it very well as i want him to do what is best for him and to be happy with himself, i care a so much about him. He kissed me goodbye and i didn’t expect to hear from him for a while as he was the one who said he wanted space. He texted me THAT NIGHT and asked how i was and asked to see me to give me some stuff. he hugged me and kissed me AGAIN. i don’t know what to think as he has broken up with me before a couple months back, and that same day he got back together with me because he realized how irrational he was being. its so hard not to think that he is going to come back to me. he was my best friend for three years prior to us being together. i know he needs his space, and i want to respect that. but he also wants to see me be happy without him. i know he worries that i am too dependent on him as he watched me deal with my first break up 2 years ago. how do i stay super positive without him thinking that i am doing better without him? i do want him back, i don’t think a break up was necessary. i believe he needs time to figure himself out. he over thinks almost everything, and i am worried that he is really overthinking this. What should i do?

    1. Hayleah

      February 8, 2016 at 3:27 pm

      at the same time though, i have people telling me to not go off of his best friends’ words. so I’m like super confused. people are telling me different things all the time and my head is like going to explode. i have my moments of sadness, and then my moments of “he is going to come back to me”. i have done very well in doing things that make me happy (ex; hand knitting, colouring, writing notes, cleaning). and i know i am doing well. i just want him to know that as i have come out of this depressive state, whether i am with him or not i was going to discover my independence again. and he feels like he needs to step back in order for me to find that.

      i just wanted to thank you for replying as much as you have. i know this is all kinda confusing and all over the place, but i am determined to get him back

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 9, 2016 at 8:08 am

      You’re welcome hayleah. 🙂 One last advice, hear what people say but don’t listen to all of them.

    3. Hayleah

      February 7, 2016 at 4:42 pm

      so when i see him do you think that i should just have a casual conversation with him? i really don’t know how to go about it. i just spoke to his best friend last night and he thinks he is thinking very over the top and that he just needs his space to realize it was never me stressing him out. his friend said that in my ex’s mind, this needs to be a break up because if he sees this as “space” more than a break up, he will come crawling back to me when he has a bad day. which i agree. i want him to have the space and i also want to show him that i can be independent too. but he trusts his best friend’s word more than anything in the world. if his best friend said that he was overthinking, he would believe him. so i just don’t really know how to go about this.

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 7, 2016 at 6:41 pm

      if he trusts his best friend word, then it’s enough that his best friend is the one to tell him that he’s overthinking

    5. Hayleah

      February 6, 2016 at 3:33 pm

      i have been trying to do no contact on my part. i have been tempted to text him, but i have not. he did text me yesterday and said he just wanted to know how i was doing because he missed me and stuff and i told him that i don’t want him to worry about how I’m doing, i want him to focus on himself as he is the one who really wanted space. the conversation ended on a good note, but i told him that i really want him to be busy so he can focus on himself and clean his mind up first before he thinks about talking to me. he is a very depressed and anxious person, i worry about not talking to him if he messages me because i worry that he will over think that i didn’t reply (aka, think I’m doing better without him). i am willing to do full non contact. i do know he wants to see me on my reading week (2.5 weeks), i want to go without talking to him at all until then. when i do see him, should i talk to him about the things i believe he is over thinking? or should we just try and focus on positive things?

      and that does make sense. he dated me throughout my entire depressive episode and now that i am out of the episode, i do have the opportunity to better myself which i did when i was with him anyways. he does worry that i was dependent, but last night he was telling my friend how he kinda wants me to experience the single life and to become independent after being dependent for so long. but he said he also believes he was in a different state in the relationship meaning he wants the space to to become more mentally mature before he takes care of someone else. i agree the space is necessary, but its hard because he isn’t respecting himself by texting me and stuff and telling me that he misses me. i don’t know what to think, i feel like I’m very confused on how this is going to play out

      (sorry this is all over the place, i hope you get it)

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 7, 2016 at 1:50 pm

      No, it’s okay! I think I get it, just correct me if I’m wrong with my understanding.
      SO, you only have 2.5 weeks do an nc right? It’s actually very short, even if thinks he you are doing better without him, that’s not going to make him move on in that span of time. It’s more likely that he will miss you and then he will be happy once you start talking again and you have already showed you are more independent.

      Once you talk again, don’t start about him over thinking. You don’t have to be all happy and positive but it’s not good to start a convo that way. It will also put you in a position where he thinks you’re being negative again.

    7. Hayleah

      February 5, 2016 at 4:29 pm

      Thank you for replying.

      And trust me, I do cry. but he was my best friend and witnessed me go through a break up before. so he knows the steps that I go through. he doesn’t want to see me fall so hard because then he will think I was dependent on him. how do I go about being positive and showing him I’m doing okay without him thinking that I am doing better without him?

    8. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 6, 2016 at 11:07 am

      But you haven’t done NC before right? And you haven’t done an active NC meaning improving yourself at all. So, he’ll probably think what have you been doing lately. Actually, if he really wants you to be happy then this is going to be easier in a sense that if he sees you trying to be productive, (which is actually what you should do for yourself, not for him), he’ll think you’re getting better(which is what should really happen! :D). I hope I can assure you that he will come back and say, “Hey, you’re finally better! Let’s get back together!) Because honestly, I don’t think that’s the only reason he broke up with you. You said he is pressured by his family to be the best in school, that pressure, adding up to what he thinks that you need more attention, ended up on him breaking with you because he can’t handle all of it.

      The positive side I can see is that he’s open to talking to you again, and if you do, don’t go like, “I’m better now! Wanna hang out?” It will appear to him like you did all of this for him(which is true) but that’s not what I think what he wants to see. That will still put pressure to him. I think, what he needs(and what everyone needs) is a person that they can rely on. Of course it’s not to say that you can’t be weak but at this time, when both of you are weak, the relationship will really suffer. If he sees, you’re independent, meaning happy, and also open to talking again without expecting, he’ll probably gravitate towards you.
      I don’t know if I made sense but just feel free to ask me if you didn’t understand. 🙂

    9. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 5, 2016 at 10:07 am

      Hi Hayleah,

      You need to go through sadness. If you need to cry, cry. It’s a matter of proper release of feelings of stress because everybody gets sad but everybody lashes out right? Don’t suprress your emotions, channel them. Do activities too that can help you be busy. That way it’s easier to see the silver lining.

  8. EBR Team Member: Amor

    February 4, 2016 at 12:26 pm

    Not if you’ve already established connection and attraction. For me, he went all the way to blocking you, meaning he got annoyed. Calling him on valentines, is like plainly telling him you want to go back with him and if he hasn’t unblock you by then or talked you positively, that’s going to be a bad move. you can initiate contact after 30 days of no contact but don’t start with feelings or getting back together. I don’t think a remember me text will even be good as a first contact with him. Keep it interesting but do it in a casual way.

  9. Vindi

    February 3, 2016 at 10:13 pm

    Basic background. I hit it off with this guy and we just threw ourselves into a very serious relationship. Everything was very intense but we were crazy about each other. Problem was we were making a lot of sacrifices because we wanted to spend as much time together as possible and we were getting tired and perhaps grouchy. After fighting for 3 days be broke up with me. And the fighting continued until one day I suggested we meet up and we had a heart to heart chat and got back together again. This time he seemed he wanted to keep me at a distance. This only lasted 5 days. Since I had approached him the relationship was now on his terms and it caused a tremendous amount of stress.

    3 months went by and we got into chatting again. Hanging out, doing menial tasks going shopping etc. A month of this and we were going in the right direction.

    During this month I realised how much he had let himself go during our break up. He had stopped going to gym, he had stopped taking care of himself and eating healthy. He had let his hair and beard get out of control and he was smoking pot all day every day. Again he was keeping me at an emotional distance, I assume part of his strategy. His strategy was causing me a lot of areas manifesting in acne and other things even though I kept cool. When we were together he would often subtly insult me, you know, enough to make you feel it but not enough to actually say anything. Especially if you only place it as an insult after the fact. By now I knew his tactics and his deliberate insults didn’t go over my head any more. We were a month into our recovery and I picked up on an insult. We are both in our 40’s and he stated that all men regardless of age are attracted to 20 year old women. Older women are just not appealing. This comment he weaved into the conversation and I knew it was a direct insult towards me. I am quite comfortable with my age and wasn’t offended by the comment itself but rather that someone was deliberately trying to insult me. Couple that with the pot smoking I told him I was glad to see him go, sent him a couple vulgar texts right afterwards. I followed it by a long email letting him know that while I adored him I wasn’t prepared to tolerate the drugs or the insults. I made specific reference to how the drugs had affected him. I didn’t know him like this, I knew him to be a great conversationalist but with the pot he was an airhead. He smelt bad, his skin and breath. I laid it out for him.

    I still adore the man and know that he feels the same. I wouldn’t have a problem being successful following these steps. What I do want however is to be successful in getting him to leave the pot, have a haircut, trim the beard and start taking care of himself again. I know that these are the effects of depression from the break up. He admits it was pretty bad, he is very insecure and seems to think that deep down I think I am better than him. He uses the insults to bring me down in size and I know he is very attracted to me. I also know that he is not going to make the first move here because I am pretty sure that what I said to him was a hard pill for him to swallow. I have only just come across this page so OFFICIAL NC has been just a few days although I started it right away. I did call him a week later and texted him for his birthday although I did not give him a gift. I made a couple more comments by text message that were not attempts to engage him, rather ro pass on info. So according to the rules I am starting NC all over again.

    My question here is how do I get the relationship back ON MY TERMS. As in throw out the pot, clean yourself up, make a proper commitment instead of keeping me at an emotional distance. Well regardless of what the terms are I need to get into a position where I can be in control without rejecting him.

    I thought that just a longer process of texting and perhaps a call or two before seeing him in person? He will want to and he will know it’s coming.

    Any ideas?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 5, 2016 at 4:16 am

      Hi Vindi,

      I assume he’s not clinically depressed but just down and gotten lazy but if he is, he needs to have professional help. In regards to imposing yoir standards without rejecting the person, did you mean without him leaving? Because if that’s so, that’s not how standards work.
      If you don’t like something about him but you’re staying that means you’re lowering your standards or giving him time to adjust but in the long run if he doesn’t change, either you will leave or you’ll suck it up.
      Because if other people want to stay in our lives, they’ll adjust or understand what our non-negotiables are..

  10. Allie

    February 3, 2016 at 9:40 pm

    Hi Chris and Amor. I don’t want to sound arrogant or overly confident but I think I have a very special case of break up on my hands (in a way they are all special but from my experience, I never had a problem hooking a guy back before). To lay down the details, we’ve been in a committed relationship for close to a year when we broke up, before that we spent five months seeing each other and it was not the our paths crossed. He is very skittish as far as commitment to another person and resolving problems as a result of his first relationship and it reflected upon the way he dates and communicates. His dating history involved more of sleeping with people until we called the commitment card. When we started dating, my long term friend, not anynore, took it upon himself to start texting both of us anonymously. Nasty things, throwing his past into my face, photo shopping text screenshots, threatening etc etc. The establishing trust was under a lot of fire especially after it became clear what sort of people he’s been seeing before we entered a committed relationship but were already seeing each other. I was uncertain of his fidelity even though going back I can now see that it was needless. He can definitely set the right kind of boundaries. While this was happening I had problems due to my birth control that were on the brink of health threatening and also, very unnerving. I cried when I saw a pencil drop on the floor and was significantly depressed. This influenced our quality of time spent together in and outside of the bedroom. The hormones eventually swung back however at this point he was already getting emotionally detached and acting out on his own issues. See, while I had trust issues due to fidelity, he has commitment issues since that always ended badly for him. We were supposed to move in together and he bailed several times. We never hit the topic why. He just avoided the application and I got mad. This brings up to the beginning of December when we both had to move and practically haven’t seen each other for a month. At the beginning of January he showed up and said he doesn’t want to do the relationship thing anymore. He didn’t listen to logic of me saying that the things that happened from both his and my side were out of control for both us (there is more to the story than written above but I feel guilty about typing up a novel here already ). He called himself burned out and wanting to quit. However, in two hours he called, asking me to come over. He said he’d like to forget the conversation we had over at my place. From then on things seemed to have been recovering. We are playful, sleep together, share a lot od free timw together and dont sleep with other people. Everything about this tastes as a caring and recovering relationship. However i found out that in his mind, we’re not dating. I know exactly which barrier I’m hitting since i crawled over it once already. I’m more of wondering how to get ovwr it the swcond time? No Contact wont work here – he certainly has a “not chasing you” policy that I’ve seen in action with other people be it his ex girlfriend, friend or relative. Do you have tips on how to calm down a stubborn alpha male who has trust and commitment issues he doesnt even know about? (That sounds kinda funny but it’s pretty accurate)

    1. Allie

      February 8, 2016 at 8:38 pm

      To your point of no contact- the option number two is for him to get worried something has happened to me which can only end with him being angry and figuring out what’s happening pretty fast just by coming over to my house or having a mutual friend text me. 🙂

    2. Allie

      February 8, 2016 at 7:27 pm

      Hi Amor thanks for answering. Yes I think he would miss me; however, I saw several of his very dear friends (category which I’m currently in) to stop texting him or contacting him and he hasn’t bothered to read contact them even though I know it still hurts his feelings but he still hasn’t reached out to them. At this point I don’t think I’m unique enough for him to act any differently. By getting over it the second time I mean more off passing through barriers that he’s put up again towards me because now he spends time with me and is attracted towards me but he is and will be reluctant to commit again due to the “problems” we had because in his mind those don’t go away. I’m trying to fight the “we broke up for a reason ” sort of mentality on that one. The intimacy, playfulness etc. everything is still there but I don’t really want to just wait and wait if there is something I can do to accelerate things.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 6, 2016 at 9:01 am

      Hi Allie,
      I just want to make it clear, you said you’re more of wondering how to get over it the second time? Do you mean get over him and move on? And I also noticed he went back to you even without no contact, don’t you think he will miss you if you do no contact? Though I”m not sure about how that would play with him myself because I don’t know him, that’s why I’m asking you. 🙂

  11. Waiting

    February 3, 2016 at 4:28 am

    So I’m very early in initiating no contact. Moreso forced into no contact if I’m totally honest.
    I got a response a few days after I left my only message since breaking up re: not sure when was a good time to talk but if he could see if a couple things that might still be at his and get back to me. No emotion..
    He responded with: Sorry I didn’t reply, I’m not sure when it will be a good time to talk, sorry. No news. Hope you’re ok.
    Is there a positive way to decode this or does it really just say ‘I’m sorry and I don’t want to talk ever’??
    (good 2yr relationship, no fights)

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 3, 2016 at 3:19 pm

      Hi Waiting

      Sorry I didn’t quite understand. He said no news about your things being still with him? I think he just plainly means it is not a good time to talk at that time.

  12. MJ

    February 2, 2016 at 6:58 pm

    Hi EBR team,

    Here’s my situation (buckle up):
    My bf and I were together for about 3 yrs. We’d had arguments once in a while about him wanting more space. He hates his job and has been wanting to make a career change for a while, and wanted to see each other less to work on himself and practice music. This was the only real problem or fights we’d ever had- him needing space, me not giving it. Me wanting to see him more than he wanted was also partly circumstantial to my uncomfortable living situation and preferring to be at his place. The arguments usually ended with him saying we were worth working on, and I’d also say I’d work it but truthfully was quite stubborn about it. Throughout the relationship he was always loving and affection, and reassuring of how he felt about me. The days leading up to the break up he’d gotten upset with me because I was being very aggressive about wanting to see him. But it was also mixed with normalcy, like planning to see shows at later dates. The break up seemed very out of the blue and I was blindsided as I had walked into it thinking we were just hanging out. He said he’d been thinking about it for a while, that we hadn’t been good for a while, I’m not giving him the space, he can’t be in any relationship, there is not anybody else, he needs to work on himself. What made it confusing was that he would also say ‘i love you’ and that he wants to end up with me, but maybe in a few years. It was abrupt, final , and at the same time didn’t seem that way because he’s thrown in the i love you and want to end up with you bit. After about 2 months of no contact, i caved because I wanted “clarity” and also wanted to get back together with him. I sent him a short email saying I was sorry that I didn’t give him the space and time he;d needed when we were together and that i realize it’s importance now and that I’d like to meet up with him to talk.

    We met and talked, I apologized for my faults and said things would be different. Not specifying a timeframe and not as an ultimatum, I told him I want to get back together and asked if that’s something he’d want to try too. He basically said the same things during the breakup- that he can’t commit to a relationship and needs to work on himself, but that yes, he would like to try later and that we can see each other every once in a while. We ended up sleeping together (I know, big no-no). He called the next day but moreso just to “follow up” and make sure we’re at an understanding. We continued to see each other, he took me out on dinner dates and concerts. We started sleeping together again after our initial meet up. I don’t text him unless he does first, which in the beginning I thought was a good thing to do to show that I was able to give him ‘space’. He stills says ‘i love you’ and ‘i want to get back together’, and once he had said ‘when we get back together, we should just get married”. I later found out that he has been and still is seeing and sleeping with other girls, one of them being someone I’d though of as a friend. I haven’t outright confronted him but he has denied that he is seeing other people, and is just lying to me. I think I’ve made myself just generally too available and have let him know in his mind that ‘i’m gonna be around’.

    I’ve tried to be calm cool collected, but here are my screw-ups: the first two times seeing each other again it was hard for me not to get a little teary and emotional on the subject of us. I have also recently had one night out with him where i made a fool of myself while drunk saying “i feel like I’m fucking up” and when he tried to reassure me that i am ‘his girl” i dramatically said “no I’m not!” (very mortified the next morning, making an awkward day of getting lunch together), but I feel I may have been lashing out on knowing what he is lying about. I try to refrain, but I have slipped up a few times and asked some form of “where’s your head at?” or “what are we doing”?, which had come up when things were about to get intimate. The last few times we saw each other, I have been a little inconsistent about our intimacy. He gets very defensive and upset if asked to use a condom bc it was not in our norm and would rather not use one than sleep together. He continues to deny he is sleeping with other people. He seemed frustrated that I asked to use a condom (again) the last time i saw him, asking why i keep asking and then didn’t want to sleep together. I felt very desperate and ended up staying over (just to sleep). In the beginning he would say ‘i love you’ and ‘wanna end up with you’ more but it seems less and less, and after learning of the other girls, i am losing hope. I dont want to justify his behavior, but I wonder if this is a quarter life crisis. I’m hurt he;d lie to me because I had the utmost trust in him while dating, and don’t know if I can trust him should the opportunity to reconcile come up. On this subject matter, I go back and forth because I realize he is allowed to see and sleep with other women, but it does not sit well with me that he is lying. Do I confront him about this?

    My concerns: I was the one to break NC (i dont think he would’ve caved when i did), wondering if I’ve made myself too available and if I’ve messed up the chances of reconciliation already, that he is over me

    Situaiton in a nutshell:
    We dated for 3 years, only apparent problems was me not giving him enough space > he broke up with me> 2 months no contact > i initiated first contact asking to see each other and expressing i want to get back together > we continue to see each other and sleep together > i find out he is seeing with and sleeping with other girls > he is lying to me about it > still says i love you and wants to end up with me but also says he cannot commit to a relationship now, and efforts seem to be growing less romantically interested (happening for about 3 months now)

    Since the break up, I’ve been keeping busy, working on myself, spending time with friends– I still want to get back together with him.

    From your article, it seems i’ve made some HUGE mistakes already.
    What can I do do at this point to ‘course correct’?

    1. MJ

      February 4, 2016 at 3:01 pm

      Thanks for your response.
      I stopped sleeping with him but it is understood that it’s on the grounds that he won’t use protection. I’ve stuck to those standards and I have been seeing him but we haven’t slept together for the last month.

      Yesterday he messaged me saying he wants to see me as soon as possible when he returns from his trip if i’m up for it. That he really misses me and wants to spend time, and has been thinking about me and us….

      I agreed to see him. If he initiates a conversation about us, how should I approach it / what should my stand be?

      Thanks so much for your advice!

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 5, 2016 at 7:30 am

      It’s hard to say exactly what you should be saying but the general rule is that you should stay calm even if he isn’t. Convey your message in a way that won’t make him feel like you’re just blaming him. Tell him what’s ok and what’s not and keep it light! Humor also helps in conveying serious matters easier to accept

    3. MJ

      February 3, 2016 at 4:17 pm

      So I usually don’t initiate the texting, which I’d originally thought was me showing i’m able to “give him space” and letting him reach out to me instead of the other way around. Do I flirt back on his latest text as if everything is normal or be neutral? How should I go about responding to his texts/seeing him? Do I give another go at NC?

      How should I approach my situation now based on my original post and the factor of the other girls in the picture?

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 4, 2016 at 12:21 pm

      If he really loves you , he would not sleep with other girls. Sorry to say but actually he doesn’t care and he is stringing you along. But there’s a chance you can turn this around. Stop sleeping with him. And also you have to keep in mind that if it’s true that he doesn’t want to commit these are probably scenarios:

      1)If you’re ok sleeping with him, you’ll stay as friends with benefits and he’ll continue sleeping with other girls.
      2)If you’re going stop sleeping with him, it’s either he’ll let you go or he’ll change because he can see, that you’re serious about your standards.

    5. MJ

      February 3, 2016 at 3:54 pm

      Hi Amor,
      No, I’m not ok with him sleeping with other girls even if he were honest about it. Does him lying to me about it means he doesn’t care or is just stringing me along? It’d be better in the sense of being honest. However, I feel conflicted cause I know as a single guy he’s allowed to sleep with other girls, but should honesty still be owed to me? We had been getting intimate since starting to see each other again after the break up, and I try to refrain from asking what we are or what he’s thinking but i have slipped and asked a few times- to which he generally says some combination of: ‘i don’t wanna string you along, i can’t commit to anything serious, but i love you and wanna end up with you’

      Last night he sent me a photo from his trip and said he wished I was there. He has probably sent the same photo, and probably similar message to other girls as well.

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 3, 2016 at 2:39 pm

      Hi Mj,

      You mean you are alright with him seeing or a better term is sleeping with other girls as long as he is honest about it?

    7. MJ

      February 2, 2016 at 8:17 pm

      Not sure of it’s relevancy, but also adding:
      One of the girls he’s been seeing/sleeping with since right after our break-up were planning a vacation together but it didn’t happen. It sounds like it was a decision made on her part, but I know from a friend that they still see each other.

      I’ve had a chat with his friend who I was friendly with about the situation – understanding that he won’t tell me anything about my ex seeing other girls and things from him should be taken with a grain of salt, but he did say a few weeks back that my ex had said he was thinking about getting back together with me but wasn’t sure about the decision, if i’d changed, and if it’s too soon, etc, and as he put it “having an existential crisis” and “an early mid life crisis’ but that he says something different after seeing me. He suggested I have a talk at some point, saying I cant stay in this grey area and that I’d like to give the relationship a try and how things would be different… but I’m worried that since my ex has been saying that he cannot commit to any relationship I would just come off as not listening or setting myself up for failure.

  13. jia

    February 2, 2016 at 8:54 am

    Hi
    We were in a relationship for 7years. But we have always had only only one problem that he didn’t have enough time for me. I used to get very upset about it. We have also had on major breakup 4 years ago for the same reason but he came back. Every time we have a big fight he stops talking to me for weeks. He always does that. Three months ago same thing happened I was very upset about him not having time for me. And I said some very hurtful things which I accept was my fault. He stopped talking to me. I thought it was like always and it will be normal. I called him alot of times. I apologised hundreds of times over texts and facebook but he didn’t react. After one month he sent a text that stop calling me I will not talk to you. I took all this very normally as it happens always. I tried to talk to him for two months. But then I was very worried. I asked my friends to call him and ask him to talk to me. He did call me after a lot of requests from my friends. He called me and said I am breaking up. I apologised but he wouldn’t even listen to me. He asked me to move on. Today I am on my day 25 of no contact. But I don’t know what to do now. Please help me. I miss him very badly. What should I do now. And yes he has blocked me everywhere. But not on one of his numbers(he has two).

    1. jia

      February 24, 2016 at 6:59 pm

      Ok.. So I messeged him..he did not respond.. After some days I called him but he saidhe is really busy.. Than after 10 days I called him..we talked for 15 minutes but not a good chat.. At the end he asked me to not call him again..he saounded very angry.. He said that he has spoiled my life(which I said during the fight) and he has taken tha right decision.. He said he doesn’t want t up to see my face again..i don’t know what to do. We were together for almost 8 years..

    2. jia

      February 4, 2016 at 5:39 pm

      Or should I extend the no contact. I am really very nervous to contact him.honestly this site gave me hope when I was completely shattered.But as the 30 day mark is approaching I am feeling like he will not respond to my initiative. He was very angry when he said he was breaking up. If he refuses to talk I will be heartbroken. ☹

    3. jia

      February 4, 2016 at 1:32 pm

      Thanks so much for responding. Its like I can I finally share it with someone. And yes I know what you are saying is right but we have always been a couple. I have known him for 10 years and I knew he liked from the very start. So for me it is very weird to talk casually. We were in love since school and now we are 24.What should I say to him? Can you suggest.

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 5, 2016 at 6:06 am

      You’re welcome. Start with the tipics that he always loves to talk about

    5. jia

      February 3, 2016 at 4:08 pm

      Yes I messaged him and called him but sometimes.. Like once in 5-10 days.. But alot of calls and messages together.But I have not contacted him from last one month in any form.I want to know when to contact him and what to say Or should I wait for him to contact me. What should I do? I miss him alot. And yes we were in along distance relationship.

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 3, 2016 at 1:49 pm

      Hi Jia,

      So basically it’s better if you don’t try to contact himfor the mean time.. In between those two months dod you constantly texted him?

  14. Ruby

    February 2, 2016 at 8:29 am

    Hi!

    I just want to thank your wonderful team for all the advice you’ve given!

    My boyfriend of 9 months broke it off a week ago, stating that he ‘wants to be alone/not in a relationship at this point in time/doesn’t want to answer to anyone”. We hit it off so well, we’ve both come from a terrible relationship in the past (of which he is over), and we also work at the same place (where we met) and have very similar career goals for the future. We were perfect for each other in every way. Then for the past 3 months he gets cold and starts not contacting me (text, call, talk when we see each other) which he would do all the time. Then he broke it off, after I asked him to as he said he was going to wait for me to do it so it would be easier on me, a way of me phasing myself out of his life when I was ready. He said he considers me his best friend and that he can’t stand to lose me completely, we both cried and were very upset after he did it. He still wants to support me in my career and life in general and says that he still wants to do all the plans we planned when we were going out such as holidays, bike riding, hiking etc. Within the past week we’ve had sex twice and i’ve stayed at his place twice. I only message him on and off, but not like i use to. When we are together, he acts like we still go out, hugs me, kisses me, talks to me in this little voice we both do, and hugs me all the time. But other times he doesn’t contact me and goes quiet, acts as though we truly are just friends and starts to take the break up seriously. He has said previously when we were dating that he would never have a ‘friends with benefits’ thing with anyone, but isn’t that what we’ve done already? I’m afraid that he will put me in the ‘friendzone’. What do I do? He also mentioned that there is a good chance for us in the future, just to complicate things even more. He also hasn’t confided any of his own feelings about any of this to any of his good friends or his best friend, so he is going through this by himself and never thought to ask if breaking up was the right thing to do, just to get an outside parties view. But he seems to be taking it all just fine, isnt even upset about it. What do I do? I’m afraid that if I go NC he will lose interest because he will think i’m pushing him away and he will just give up. Please help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 3, 2016 at 12:55 pm

      Hi Ruby,

      Yeah you are Friends with benefits right now. If you really want to be taken seriously, you have to be firm with your standards. You have to tell him that you don’t like what’s happening right now and you’re not that kind of girl. And then keep your distance until he treats you right. If he wants to be friendly, that’s fine if it’s fine with you but if he tries to be sexual again better be serious in implementing your boundaries. Yes, you might lose him but if he comes back after you’ve done this, you’ll know he came back with respecr for you

    2. Ruby

      February 2, 2016 at 8:31 am

      Also, just quickly, if I do the NC period, and he turns up on my doorstep or confronts me at work, what do i do/say?

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 3, 2016 at 12:55 pm

      Confronts you? Talk calmly about your boundaries.. Don’t say you’re going through nc. Just tell him, you don’t like what he’s doing

  15. Justine

    February 2, 2016 at 12:31 am

    My ex and I broke up 2 weeks ago after being together for about a year and a half. The relationship just kind of fizzled out after a while, somewhere around the 1 year mark. This is mostly because he’d always been very apathetic about things and I had been so caught up in being the “nice girl” that I let him get away with a lot, just in terms of not investing as much as he should have. When I realized I was giving way more to the relationship than I was getting, I started nagging him and threatening to pull away. Eventually, he actually started pulling away, but for some reason he just would not break up with me, even when I asked if he wanted to. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and told him that if he couldn’t behave like he wanted to be with me, we should break up. He responded by saying he thought we’d grown apart, but wasn’t sure why, and that we would probably be better off as friends. I told him I never wanted to speak to him again. A few days after we broke up he contacted me twice, but I didn’t respond. One of his attempts was an apology text saying that we’d been fighting a lot and that he’d just given up, and that he never meant to lose me and was so sorry for not trying harder. I finally contacted him about a week after the breakup to set up a meeting to get some closure or flirt with the idea of reconciliation. Of course, this turned out to be a disaster, as I was still super upset and he was still acting very unaffected, even despite his apology. Even at the meeting he still didn’t make it clear whether he had ever really wanted to break up, or just take a break, or try to work things out, so I left feeling even more confused. I’ve now blocked him on all methods of contact, including text, calls, and social media. Should I try going NC, and if so, for how long? Or should I just give up on a possible reconciliation and move on?

    1. Justine

      April 23, 2016 at 3:59 am

      So I actually waited longer and sent the apology text after about 2 months of NC. He responded the same day and admitted that he had missed me and still had very strong feelings for me. After about two weeks of texting everyday, we met for coffee and had a long conversation about what went wrong. He FINALLY took responsibility for not communicating or making an effort. It will be a slow process, but we decided to try to work things out. Now I must become the ungettable girl. 🙂 Thank you so much for all your help!

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 23, 2016 at 2:46 pm

      Aww, that’s good! That’s right take it slow!

    3. Justine

      February 15, 2016 at 5:39 am

      Thank you for the advice. It’s been two weeks since we last met and neither of us have tried to contact the other. At this point, I still have strong feelings for him, but I am just not sure that we are a good fit together…we’ve always had communication problems, even when things weren’t so bad in the relationship. It’s like we just don’t speak the same language.

      I’m not very hopeful that meeting up to talk again will help, especially if he hasn’t tried to contact me by the time we’ve had 30 days of no contact. I am thinking that I’m going to give myself another two weeks (end of NC) to gather my thoughts and if I still don’t hear from him, then I will send him a brief text apologizing for my role in things and wishing him well as we both move on. I will make it clear that this is goodbye. I feel like a goodbye text will help give me some closure because it will be acknowledging that things are truly over, but I don’t want him to think that this is just me trying to manipulating him. Is this a good idea? Or should I just try to move on without sending a goodbye text at all?

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 16, 2016 at 6:11 am

      Actually I think that’s good idea.. but you have to give it more time again after that text before sending in a first contact, so it would really seem like you tried to move on and by the time you text, you will appear as being friendly again

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 3, 2016 at 11:56 am

      Hi Justine,

      Why not try to do nc for 21 dyas first. Sort out your feelings then decide after that.

  16. Shannon

    February 1, 2016 at 11:19 pm

    My boyfriend of 4 months left me a few days ago. He told me to stop talking to this guy who kept irritating me by asking me to go out with him. I showed him the whole conversation but the next day when we all went out with his best friend, I told them about it and both of them read the conversation. He got really upset that I didn’t stop talking to the guy and he felt that I was flirting with the guy. For two days he didn’t respond to my texts and in the night he called me and told me that our relationship wouldn’t work out because of maybe the age difference or different mindsets. I apologized for everything and told him that I regret what I did, and begged him for a second chance and even asked him to meet me, but he said he can’t. I tried to change his mind but he said that nothing that I could do would change his mind. He said that its only been four months and that I’m only 18, and I’ll find someone in time. I told him that I had fallen for him and I only wanted him. He hung up after a while and I tried called him and messaged him as well but he didn’t reply. Our relationship was pretty serious as both our parents knew about us, and I had met his whole family. The four months of our relationship was perfect and he told me that he had never met someone like me. One day he even told me that it would be really sad to lose me as he would miss me too much. I don’t know what to do, I feel like I will never meet someone like him and I really want him back.

    1. Shannon

      February 1, 2016 at 11:34 pm

      I also do meet him and his family ever week at church, so do you think that will help?

  17. Saree

    February 1, 2016 at 3:54 am

    So my situation is a bit different, so I don’t know how to go about it. My husband and I have been together a total of 4 years, married for 8 months. We aren’t separated or anything, but we’ve gotten into a huge fight and he has been gone for 2 days (tomorrow being the third) and he won’t speak to me whatsoever. We texted today (second day since being gone) and he said he didn’t want a divorce, that he does want to be with me still, but he does want things to change, and I now know what needs to be worked on through both ends. Problem is, he still won’t come home. We have a whole life together and it’s hard to function socially and financially when he’s gone, especially since we moved to a new town where neither of us knows anyone. Before we were married we had a mutual, yet still messy break up for 45 days where I did no contact for a week and he came back begging me to take him back, and we worked things out. We were amazing after that. This was spontaneous after a bad week of constant fighting that I did not know was as bad as it was. He’s very emotional and doesn’t know how to speak to me about it. He says he’s very hurt, and I’ve apologized. I don’t want a divorce either so I want to work things out for the better. We are amazing together. I’m trying not to constantly bug him anymore, because I already know that doesn’t work.

    So I guess my question is, what do I do when we aren’t separated specifically, but he won’t talk to me or come home? I can’t do a month of no contact because we pay bills together and do so much more. I just really need advice.. Thank you and I appreciate your guys’ time. 🙁

    1. Saree

      February 7, 2016 at 2:54 am

      I also texted him about his mother messaging me from a fake account (we refuse to have her in our lives for various reasons that I will not get into) because she is adding various family members in an attempt to keeo an eye on us through said fake accounts. Was that a mistake or does that count as a sort of emergency? I simply felt he needed to know.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 7, 2016 at 4:50 pm

      hmmm, why does he need to know now? The answer to that will depend if it’s an emergency..

    3. Saree

      February 6, 2016 at 8:11 pm

      Okay. So say he does come home or blows up my phone wanting to fix the situation? Do I let him in and discuss even then?

      And about the working on you self during NC–I’m actually quite comfortable with how I am. I’ve had time to evaluate the situation and know what went wrong (despite it being spontaneous and not being technically separated) and how to work through it and learn to communicate with one another. I mean, I work out daily and eat super clean, and I make my art (my career choice) and school a top priority in my life. I’m also no longer feeling anxious to hear from him, nor am I feeling depressed when I don’t. I’m also on a budget, so going out and buying a whole new wardrobe is also out of the question, hahah. Is there anything else I should try to change about myself, despite the short no-contact period?

      He also hasn’t changed our relationship status via facebook, and he hasn’t updated his cover photo of the two of us holding hands. Is that a good sign that he’s still clinging to us working on our marriage, or could it just be an act of laziness in changing those things? Sorry for this longer reply. Lol and thanks!

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 7, 2016 at 3:30 pm

      Okay, so this is all during no contact period,
      if he calls you, no matter how many, just ignore it. Because, if it’s really a life and death situation, he will text you what that is.

      If he comes home, that’s going to be a harder scenario because if he is angry, you have to stay calm and just answer him by saying that you’re not answering because you’re not capable to be in a rational talk and you don’t want to be unfair to him. That’s it. Just listen to whatever he has to say after that and then agree with it and then separate yourself in the situation. Say, you need to go out to buy something or you need to go back to work. but if he doesn’t say something, just be calm and be productive with whatever you do. If he wants to talk, listen and if ever he really is serious about changing and wanting to try, calmly communicate to him your sentiments, don’t blame him and let him prove it first before jumping back to old ways. Slowly, restart everything. You don’t have to be rude, you just have to keep a little distance so, he sees that what he does is not ok and you’re serious about it.

    5. Saree

      February 5, 2016 at 11:21 pm

      How long should I do NC for though? And what if he contacts me, do I ignore him until a given time?

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 6, 2016 at 2:23 pm

      try at least 21 days and yes, that’s the rules of NC. If you chose 21 days, that means you don’t text, call or pm or like his posts for 21 days unless it’s an emergency.

    7. Saree

      February 1, 2016 at 5:02 pm

      No, we are no longer texting. He stopped 24 hours ago and no longer responds. He texts me only on his terms and stops on his terms. I have tried showing I am open to communicate and have a calm discussion about the issues but he won’t discuss whatsoever. He told me how he feels yesterday and now he won’t allow me to talk long enough to fix it. I have no idea how to work on it when he refuses to. I am almost tempted to show up at his work…..

    8. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 3, 2016 at 9:56 am

      Nope don’t show up in his work. I think it’s a good time to implement Nc now.

    9. Saree

      February 1, 2016 at 4:04 am

      I should also mention that he told me he’s been constantly drinking since he’s been gone and hasn’t been sober unless going to work. I guess that might be why he’s so easily able to not talk to me.

    10. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 1, 2016 at 12:47 pm

      So, he’s not home but you’re still texting right? Let him be for now. But make your texts convey that you’re open to communication and that you understand him. Don’t fight with him. Talk things through a calm way.

  18. Ninka

    February 1, 2016 at 12:22 am

    Hey!

    To start off a bit bluntly: I really don’t know if I’m just searching for advice or a way to vent and let all this out (since I don’t really talk about it). Maybe it would be the best if I’d just start telling.
    My boyfriend and I are both 20 and have been together for 3 1/2 years up until Christmas 2015. In our last 10 months we’ve had a long distance relationship. We got out of highschool almost two years ago, he wanted to travel I wanted to work, before we got to choose where to go for university. We travelled together for a month and a half a few months after finishing highschool. After that things started to decline a bit. Upon opening up to me about him wanting to travel more, he got klingy. I must admit; I have reacted emotional, as I was kind of afraid that he’d leave me on the spot as soon as he got a chance. We’ve talked about all the options we had, but I utimately told him that splitting or having a break weren’t going to be any choice for me, as I loved him a lot and believed in us overcoming this time. He agreed, saying that he too wouldn’t want to split up and that he’d regret it if we were to do that. I know it’s a bit sappy, but he gave me a small toad pendant (my favourite animal) as a symbol for us taking such a step together.
    There were three things that bothered me greatly during that time:
    1) Initially he said he wanted to travel alone, when I asked him if I could visit him in between. (I worked for the past year.) But somehow, after some time, he opened up to me that his best friend was coming with him. Now, I know. This is stupid. But I just felt stood up.
    2) I know his parents love me. They still do and overall we had a good relationship, but I got to know that most of his family was telling him to break up with me over the time he was abroad, as he is still so young and is going to meet a lot of girls and he sure would regret just having experiences with one girl. This, actually, is what hurt me the most. I witnessed a call from an aunt of his, a photographer I’ve worked with some time, before my ex and I got together. The aunt had no idea I was there with the rest of the family, and told my ex bluntly (the call was on speaker) that he should break up with me because of said reasons, while stating at the same time that I’m a great girl, but that he should keep in mind that his cousins long distance relationship didn’t work out.
    I understand that we’re young and that there are a lot of people on this planet, who are interesting, but barging into a relationship you don’t have anything to do with, without anyone asking for advice or an opinion, is a bad thing to do. Maybe I am to old fashioned on this one, but I think a relationship is between two people and while taking advice from others is one of the most normal things to do, no one should crash in and give advice that utimately will bias you into a certain decision. Of course, it’s an okay thing to do, if a relative/friend is in an abusive or harmful relationship. But ours wasn’t. We were actually really happy and, although we argued sometimes, we managed to do it in a healthy way. And this conditioning went on for months.
    3) He was supposed to be away for seven months, but he wanted to stay longer and fly to other destinations in Asia, which was A-okay for me. If he had talked to me about it. Which he did after making the decision, while at the same time wanting to keep the relationship going. I had dismissed the idea of visiting him, as I already had booked flights for my own (short) time abroad or for some festivals in neighbouring countries. Now, I sure got upset when he told me about his plans, but I understand that it’s ultimately his decision and we were still having lots of contact (coming mainly from him), so I didn’t think too much about it, other than when I talked to him about it or when mutual friends came up to me. When I told him about my plans, he was flat out worried, which I only got to know from his best friend after he returned (on the date they should have come back together). On Skype he was supportive and while he did seem disappointed that I wouldn’t be visiting him after HE propposed the idea to me after five months into him being abroad, he didn’t say anything towards him being worried or having hard feelings. I understand that it’s hard to talk to someone you don’t get to see, that you want to value the short time you have on Skype (because of time differences and work), but he didn’t open up at all about this. To be honest, I didn’t ask about visiting that often. Actually, just two times over the span of the five initial months, but he didn’t give any answer to it, so I thought I’d do some more plans of my own, other than those I already had set. When my birthday was a month away, he came up with the idea again. We could meet up in Thailand and travel together for that time. As much, as I would have liked that – it was too late. I had booked flights a few weeks after my birthday. I went with one of my best friends on a visit to Madrid to visit the third member of our small clique.
    At this point, I must admit, that I was quite angry.

    I still love him. He did not waste my time over this year, but he sure didn’t work for us to be able to get back into a ‘normal’ relationship, while I was at 100% everytime we talked. I know he wanted to travel and I encouraged him to do so, while I had my own life going on. I wanted to travel alone too, but didn’t feel too confident in myself, so I wanted to work on myself and get a student job while staying back at home, to finance my smaller plans. I felt stood up/taken for granted and needed at the same time. Whe he was about to return, about two months or so, he started to write more frequently again. We were never out of the relationship and did not cheat on the other, hell, would he have admitted something on those lines, that would have been the last he had heard of me.
    However, he did send me a few postcards. Two letters. And a present for our anniversary and my birthday. And while I loved everything, when we talked, he didn’t seem too into it. As if, I was some kind of thing that he had to keep entertained from time to time.

    Sure, this was our first relationship, and we are both the clumsy type, who bottles up their own feelings, when they don’t feel too comfortable talking about it. But we both let our relationship run into a wall.
    When he returned about a month and a hald ago, he didn’t tell anyone about it. Just his dad and his best friend knew about it. He wanted to surprise everyone else. Well, actually two mutual friends knew about it, because they lured me out on a coffee and while I waited for them, suddenly my ex was standing in front of me with lillys (my favourite flowers). I was shocked, afraid, didn’t know how to act, got way too awkward and stiff. It was a sweet thoughtful thing from him, but I was in panic because I didn’t know how to act. We talked for a bit; first it was just lame small talk, but a few hours, after we were out and about in the city, visiting a park, we talked for real. And, boy, let me tell you, that sucked. We were more boasting about what we’ve done, seen, all the chances we could have had. On the last part I stopped him. I told him it was hurting to hear that, and although I also met interesting people and it did occur to me what COULD happen with them, it was easy for me to brush it off because I was in a relationship with him. I COULD have got their contact, I COULD have broken up with him. But I didn’t, because he was a very important person in my life and while other people certainly CAN BE interesting, they weren’t, because they were not him. He told me, it hurt him too, when I told him that, but he saw it more of a compliment that people were interested in me, as I am his amazing girlfriend. He admited that he couldn’t ask me directly, because he was afraid I wasn’t going to show up or run away as soon as I would see him approach me.
    I cried so much after that first time of seeing each other after ten months. I knew we wouldn’t be glued together, but I tried to be optimistic. We didn’t kiss, we didn’t hold hands. We tried to keep it normal to get used to each other again. While talking, he said that he wants us to stay together and while I agreed – I wasn’t that sure anymore. I was never sure of my future in general or my choices in terms of courses for university, but I was alway sure about him. That I loved him, that he was my boyfriend, that he loved me too, that we would work out. Suddenly, I wasn’t so sure anymore. I guess that insecurity built over that time of him being abroad and how we handled it.
    We agreed to meet again after a few days, me pushing for a bit more time to be able to think properly in between, but he wanted to meet two days after that first ‘seeing each other again after all this time thing’. I was anxious. I had a night out with my best friends, talked to them about it, cried about it, drunk too much. I was a mess the next day and postponed the time to the afternoon, as he wanted to take me out to breakfast.
    We talked a bit, while walking around a park in our hometown, and the mood was just… strange. I cannot describe it. Of course it wasn’t like before. People change, evolve, get on with their lives and work on themselves. When you meet someone you’re supposedly in a relationship with after a very long time of not seeing them – that is some creepy sh*t right there. Yeah, we skyped, exchanged messages. But that’s not the same has having that person right in front of you and talking to them vis-a-vis. THAT is scary. Because suddenly you’re in front of a person who you should be the most intimate with (not talking about the touchy touchy stuff here), but you just aren’t. You’re an awkward bunch, who doesn’t know how to reconnect properly.
    I don’t know quite well about him, but I knew he was as nervous as I was. His body language hasn’t changed at all. I knew that I still loved him, but it wasn’t going to work out. That he needs time to really come back home, and that I need MORE time to myself. I was so afraid of everything that had to do with him and when it dawned to me, what I had felt and thought at that time, I asked him: “What are we doing here?”. I broke up with him. And what hurt me, was that he complied. He didn’t fight it, he took it as it came. I couldn’t him I still love him. Of course not, I was breaking up. And while it was clear that he was anything but okay with it; he let it happen.

    I applied the NC-Rule. He wrote me for Christmas, and I got weak, so I had to start over. I managed to get through the 30 days and while we don’t have any regular contact right now, we write in a group we have with the mutual friends who helped him set up his return date with me. When I write something he’ll get right back to it. If he’s working, he’ll do it when he gets off work. There was a Star Wars special a few days ago in our town, and after he got of work, he posted into the group if I managed to go there, after the event was over, and that he would’ve liked to go, but he was stuck at work. Seems awkward because of the group chat, but the others are ill and abroad and they’d written about how bad they wanted to go and that I should take pictures of it, so it didn’t seem too far fetched to ask that. Initially I didn’t have a ticket, so it was more of a last minute decision, as I didn’t want to go alone, but that’s another story. (And on another note: the Star Wars event was awesome!!) We had a small chitchat and I went to bed, not answering to his last message, as I didn’t want to give to much input.
    Other than that, we saw each other again and had a chat, a few days after NC was over. I still had a pullover of him, and it was snowing like hell during that time. So, I’d written him that I still had it and would be around the corner to his flat in a few days, so I could give him his pullover back and he wouldn’t freeze to death. He immediatly answered and asked what pullover it was, so I sent him a picture, to which he responded that he’d totally forgotten about it, following by the question of when I would be free. I wanted to meet up at a café, but something at work came up, and I just had the possibility to come over to his door step, as I didn’t have too much time. (I was late to meeting up with him, and running late to return to work. Talking about luck.) It was awkward. Okay, but incredibly awkward. We talked about what we were doing now, and what our plans were. I told him I had applied to some universities in France and already had gotten a few unconditional offers, however I still didn’t make up my mind about which university but I still had plenty of time to choose. He seemed surprised by it, but told me that I should go through with it and if there’s someone who’s perfect to take up such a chance, then it would be me and that he’s amazed.
    He gave me back a game he still had from me, told me about him maybe studying in Belgium, although he had already applied to university here in Amsterdam. Basically, it was awkward small talk. He tried to keep the conversation running and seemed really tense and as if he’d like to say something else when I told him I had to go, but other than that… Meh. It was fine. I told him it was nice to see him again and that I’d root for him to be accepted into uni. He still looked like he wanted to talk after this.

    Now, I’m a bit confused.
    Not about my decision. I know that he and I both need the time to figure ourselves and our futures out, and I would have liked for both of us to stay together and share all those new experiences. But it didn’t appear to me, as if we were on the same level, which I felt vindicated of, as he didn’t try to stop me on the break up thing. However, he admited to me, that while he was away, he still loved me and hold me and our relationship dear, and didn’t do anything (like cheat, or break up), because of those feelings, but that he was an *sshole because of not wanting to meet (or wanting to meet too late) and thinking mostly about him and not about us, or wanting to have the time for himseld. While I told that he had indeed been an idiot, it was okay, as we were still young and he didn’t have time for himself previously, while having his family, our friends or me around him most of the time, and that I was happy that he got to have such a great experience abroad and that he was able to share it with me from time to time.
    Okay.. I’m getting off topic. Back on track: a few days ago – the day of the Star Wars event – his best friend wrote me, if I was going there, and I initially told him no, but went anyways. However, that’s not the point. What intrigues me is: after answering him that I’m doing fine and am incredibly busy right now (doing stuff, planning stuff, ect…) and how he’s doing, he sent me a lenghty answer that his girlfriend broke up with him around a month and a half ago (from what I know about mutual friends they’re still together and never broke up), that he was devastated and couldn’t stop thinking about her all this time and that he still liked her a lot.
    Now, I was never really close to him, but over three years meeting with my ex and him, and also writing with him, I know how he’d write. He writes the same as he talks: short answers/never too much info. The message kind of seemed written the way my ex would put things into words.
    Maybe I’m thinking too much here, but that came out of the nowhere. And my ex knows, I wouldn’t write him directly/privatly if there wasn’t something important (birthday for example) or if I was around the corner (which just happened on the pullover thing). He is also not the person to write me for the same reasons, and because he’s quite the shy guy. But the words that were used and how things were put, I could sweat that it was him writing that. Of course, I didn’t ask about it. I simply said that I was sorry to hear about it and that he should try to distract himself, by making things he likes or having my ex spend time with him and distract him.
    I showed a mutual friend, she’s my best friend a good friend of his, the message without telling my thoughts, but I didn’t need to as she came to the same conclusion when she was finished reading. Other than that, we agreed on not acting about it, and that I was just continuing to do my own stuff. If it really was him, he’d have to come to me directly about it.

    Well. Okay. This got to long.
    Honestly, I’m really sorry about the lenght, but please bear with me, I’ve only talked about two times about all of this since the break up. So, somehow I bottled up a lot of stuff.

    Thank you so much for reading and I hope your having a great day!

    Best wishes,
    Ninka

    1. Ninka

      April 9, 2016 at 8:10 am

      Hi! Just seen your reply now.

      So far it’s been great!
      We wrote a bit, but as we’re both not avid writers, it was a bit stagnant. However, we’ve met yesterday at a friends and went partying in a larger group. 🙂
      When I had to go out to get some fresh air, he followed me after a few seconds. Was generally seeking contact and starting conversations.
      He also made a lot of compliments. It’s the second time we’ve seen each other this week, but it was always only with friends, which is totally fine as it helps a bit to ease up with each other and be able to talk.

      Anyways, when we were round and about getting some fresh air, we returned and I told him I’d go home as it was already fairly late. He said, he’d go also and we took off together.
      On our way to the central station, he asked me how I’ve been doing because of the break up. We’ve talked openly and calmly about us and what went wrong, were very honest with each other (but in a good way). He told me that he still likes me a lot, even though we’ve grown apart, and that he’d also like to keep contact and be friends, as I am an important part of his life. Also, he’s surprised and amazed with the development I made.

      We were really close. Not in terms of getting touchy and kissy; that didn’t happen and it would have been too sudden, I think. But he warmed my hands, and asked me if it was okay if we hugged (hadn’t done so so far), and we stayed like that for quite a long time. He had that kind of look on his face that he wanted to say or do more, but I decided not to push my luck. :’)

      I’m sorry that my comments are always this long! :’D

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 9, 2016 at 3:22 pm

      Those are all good signs! Just take it slow.. I’m hoping you’ll get back together!

    3. Ninka

      March 27, 2016 at 5:17 pm

      Hey Amor!

      Hm, well we’ve met again yesterday, after seeing each other last week. It was a friend’s birthday and we were both invited, although I was not sure if he would really come.
      we texted a bit during the week, tried out the tide theory and ended the conversation quite soon.

      When I arrived at the party yesterday, he was in another room, so I didn’t see him right away and didn’t know he was there.
      Saw him by chance and we only nodded towards each other.
      Later most of the people wanted to go clubbing, and his friends went to another party, but he stayed there, even asked me if I was thinking about going to another place.
      We talked and had fun with our other friends, even shared some brief moments alone where we joked around, but nothing too serious.

      How should I proceed? I feel like it’s better to talk in person to him, whereas our texting is really mechanic, as were both very awkward with it. It helps to see the other person and see the reaction they have.
      So far most texting was initiated by him. Only on the occasion of the first meeting and this week’s texting, have I been writing as the first part actively.
      Somehow my chest is burning and I wish I could talk openly with him, but it would be too soon and things should go on slowly.
      Is this development okay so far?

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 3, 2016 at 3:49 am

      HI Ninka,

      yest it is. how is it now?

    5. Ninka

      March 20, 2016 at 2:38 am

      Yes, I really do have to remind myself of that. He’s written again, asking about a show we both liked to watch when we were still together. I took my time to reply, but thought about going a bit low contact again? Don’t know if it would be advisable. Like, I want to be able to talk to him, but I don’t feel like I want him to think I am available to him like all the time. (Which I’m not, because of work/hobbies/friends. But Whatsapp is everywhere and easily accessible)

    6. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 20, 2016 at 9:34 am

      I think you should continue texting.. just give a a day of rest after 2 days of texting and then next time, do it after 4 daysor you can do the tide theory..what’s important is you end the convo

    7. Ninka

      March 18, 2016 at 9:46 pm

      It’s been a bit of time since I’ve said anything. As before, thank you for replying so fast, Amor! 🙂
      I’ve actually got good news? I hope at least. For the past months, I’ve been working and concentrating on myself. Coming to terms with my flaws and working on them. I have issues with depression/anxiety which led to strains in the relationship, but I’ve finally managed to take professional help and am so happy. To be honest: I do still want him back and adore my ex, but right now I’ve come to terms that he isn’t my life, and for the first time, I am the most important thing for myself. This sounds selfish, but honestly, I’ve never been as happy as now.

      Talking about the ex; we met yesterday!
      I was round and about, and actually had a meeting with a client, but she postponed it to the afternoon. I would have had 5 hours of doing nothing, which is why I randomly texted him if he’d be up for a coffee.
      Now, we wrote a few times during the past month, me always ending the convo on it’s peak, him starting the chats like 80% of the time.
      Also, had the feeling like it would be time to meet, as we would have seen each other eventually anyway (common friends are going to marry), and I didn’t want to make it too awkward.
      Surprisingly, he agreed pretty fast to us meeting up. I called him first, but he didn’t pick up, so I wrote him. Didn’t really think about him the past weeks, but yesterday it just came to my mind somehow. Hope it wasn’t wrong.

      We had a good chat. It was a bit tense at first, but it was okay, he even bought me a pear! (This sounds strange, but we walked through a market in Amsterdam; it’s busy and allows you to be invested into a conversation while also having lots to see and talk about)
      We talked about what’s going on in his and my life in terms of uni; it turns out we’ll both stay in our hometown! Then we’ve talked about friends and random things. I hope, I didn’t get the mood wrong, but we laughed pretty openly and started making jokes again. He also told me that I look really happy and in terms with myself, to which I replied jokingly that I could stop it and be grumpy again. He laughed, but told me that smiling fits me better.
      When we were about to say goodbye, we smiled at each other and he made a move to hug, but I didn’t notice it at that moment; only when a friend I was meeting up at our parting point, pointed it out. After we met, he wrote me “It was really nice to see you again!” to which I agreed a few hours later.

      Honestly? This sounds too good, but I don’t know what to make out of it. I was able to play down my excitement, but he was just.. Two small grannies from a fruit stand at the market asked if we were dating, so I guess we didn’t look too bad/awkward together?
      I don’t eat to build up my hopes, and to go slowly, but I am happy about this. I just hope I wasn’t too rash, and didn’t make anything wrong. Please correct me otherwise and help me with the next steps.

      As always, thank you in advance for your help and I hope you’re doing great! <3

    8. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 19, 2016 at 4:39 pm

      Hi Ninka,

      You’re welcome! You’re doing great…just remember to take it slow then you’re fine

    9. Ninka

      February 22, 2016 at 3:49 am

      Hi, Amor!
      Thanks for answering my comment. 🙂 I thought this is a good platform to share my story and thoughts/fears around it. We’re all in the same boat, after all. (Well, most of us are :’D)

      This time I actually have a question.
      Now, we’ve met again and all, but had no direct contact up until last weekend, around Valentine’s. He hit me up asking how I was doing and we struck a conversation. I ended it, however he replied after a few days, saying that he had been in Paris visiting a mutual friend, who’s studying there now. I took the chance and wrote about a trip we both had (positive memories), and he kept replying rather fast. The next day (Thursday) I wished him a happy birthday and he went on to thank me, however the conversation broke off there… Until he wrote again on Friday telling me about his birthday party to which I replied with a joke. He answered and I broke the conversation off again.

      Now, I know it doesn’t mean much when you’re texting and having a conversation, but I’ve heard that he’s missing me and acknowledges that he’s messed up and has driven me up against a wall with out he handled things about our long distance period and when he returned. Met a very drunken friend of his by chance yesterday while out partying and he told me that my ex hopes for us to rekindle again in the future and that it’s okay to stay friends first.

      To be honest.. I don’t know what to make out of this. If course I’m happy, but I’ll continue living my life and having contact with him here and there. I also met someone new, but it’s nothing serious and he turned out to be rather a good friend (he also broke up recently and we just have long chats about this topic under many).

      My question is: Is this a good sign? My ex stating such things.. It surely fires my hopes, but because of former experiences I’m very cautious. However, I do love him and want him back in the long run. How should I continue this? Also, I know no information can be taken up as 100% correct unless he’d tell me about it myself, but this friend of his is a pretty honest person who always admired me for my honesty. And he talks too much when drunk. (He started the topic, I actually tried to stop him a few times into the (one sided) conversation..)

      Thank you in advance and I hope you’re all doing fine! ~

    10. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 23, 2016 at 10:20 am

      Yes it’s a good sign! build up the rapport in text so it would lead to calls now

    11. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 2, 2016 at 10:03 am

      Hi Ninka,

      It is long! 🙂 But I read all of it. I’m glad you found us worthy of sharing your story. I hope things are better now between you two

  19. Liz

    January 31, 2016 at 12:27 pm

    First I’d like to thank you for your page! More than figuring out if there is hope to get someone back, I’ve found comfort in understanding my feelings and how to move along.

    I dated my boyfriend for 5 months. He is 22 and I am 23, and he had just got out of a bad relationship that lasted 2 years, this girl was absolutely nuts and drove him insane, in the worst way. We met shortly after and hit it off immediately.

    I want to point out before we started a relationship I asked him many times if he was over what happened and he said he had been over it before they even broke up. He treated me amazing, and always said things like he loved me, I was perfect for him and even mentioned a lot of future things and plans. He was my perfect boyfriend and the first time I fell in love for real.
    All of a sudden he asked for time, saying he was confused, and 5 days after that he broke up with me saying he needs to be alone and take the time he should’ve taken after that last relationship. This was 2 days ago and I’m devastated.

    I’m heartbroken because I believed all he said and did through the relationship and genuinely love him and felt he was perfect for me. I want to know if I should even consider if he could miss me and want me back, or if he never even liked me in the first place and used me as a distraction.

    I really got the bad end of the stick on this one, it feels so unfair but I love him and I don’t know if there is any hope he might have feelings for me too, since he said when breaking up that I was perfect in every way but he made the mistake of not waiting longer to figure himself out.

    1. Liz

      February 1, 2016 at 9:34 am

      Thanks for responding!

      I’m sure it wasn’t about having feelings for her, as this was very well known as a toxic relationship he was stuck on for a long time, since it involved friendship with the families, etc.
      He said he was confused about how he felt and wether or not he was ready for a relationship, without ever taking that time to be alone.

      I feel heartbroken and tossed away, but I am trying to accept everything was a lie. I did fall for whoever he showed me he was while he needed me, and I don’t know if there would ever be a chance after he sets himself straight.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 1, 2016 at 5:20 am

      Hi Liz,

      Thank you for reading our posts too! I hope I can help you today. It’s natural that you miss him. You’re in the honey moon phase and everything seems to be perfect in that phase. But, did he mentioned what he was confused of? is it about his feelings for you or whether he has really moved on from his ex?

  20. KATY

    January 31, 2016 at 7:22 am

    Hi There,
    For over 18 months I’ve been in the most natural, non complicated, easy going relationship of my life. He fell for me pretty hard and dropped the L-bomb quite early. I was shocked as I had become the girl with the wall up after previous heartbreak from more problematic relationships. He knocked that wall done quite easily, and didn’t just steal my heart, he was well loved by my friends and family. We’ve done a lot of travel together and keep busy with friends and gigs. We were happy and people observed the same. We only had 1 true argument/almost split in October when I was quite stressed with work and home – but I addressed that as soon as we talked about it.
    A week ago, he broke up with me. This time, there was no talking it through. He said he didn’t feel the same about me anymore. That over time his feelings have changed. He cares for me – but didn’t feel so strongly in love. However, in the same conversation he also stated that he had been feeling depressed for the last 6 months and home sick (as he lives abroad). His friends and family are far away, and the small group he had here have since gone home too. I feel that his opinion of me is influenced by these other worries, he disagrees. There was no room to talk about it.
    I took my belongings after a secondary conversation where he again, didn’t elaborate greatly on his depression – he was quite emotional when it came to saying sorry and goodbye but claimed it was guilt and sadness for hurting me. Now I have my things, there’s no prop for meeting. Nor has he answered my call or message a week later asking about some other things that may be there (merely as a ploy for conversation – i don’t care about them). I’ve kept my message ‘unemotional’, just asking for a call back when he can as there may be some things I missed. I’m sure he can see through it. But I’m quite shocked he’s taking the silent approach as he’s quite a sensitive guy.
    I’ve seen all the posts about NO CONTACT approach, which I was attempting this week. But concerns of depression have pulled me back in.
    I don’t feel there is love lost. I feel his inexperience in serious relationships coupled with feeling down have impacted on his decision – it’s just easier to cut it off than deal with what’s really hurting him. I’m trying my best to be ‘cool’ and ‘rational’ about it. Initially I felt that this was just a break and he’ll come to his senses – but the silence and avoiding further conversation, even casual – is making me feel that he’s closed this chapter for good.
    Would NC be a bad idea if he is genuinely depressed (“feeling lost” as his friend said)? I love him dearly, and have no ill feelings – just hurt it’s come to this and he can’t talk to me about it properly.
    Any insight or advice would be appreciated.
    Thanks

    1. KATY

      February 1, 2016 at 3:53 am

      Thanks Amor,
      Unfortunately he’s not answered my call or text after we last met, so I’ve no opportunity to say that. I spoke with his friend who said to give him some time to do the ‘guy thing’ and he will talk to me in 3-4 weeks. Though I’m quite sure that’s his same plan to let the emotions subside and get over me. 🙁

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 31, 2016 at 1:44 pm

      HI Katy,

      I think what you really need is a heartfelt talk with him to assure him that you’re still here for him. And if he needs professional help, he should have it.

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