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Jennifer Xiong
April 1, 2016 at 7:24 pm
Hello Chris,
So my ex and I broke up two months ago. There was no closure to the relationship so it felt open ended. After a couple of days, on my end, I did what I felt like what I had to do and did the closure. I’ve moved on and I am happy. Last night I received a text from my ex saying he was sorry about everything that has happened and he hopes that I am doing well, and hope to cross paths again someday. The thing is that, he JUST got with another girl. I am so confused because that fact that he just got into this relationship (I assuming that he is happy and well) and texting me saying he was sorry, and hoping to cross paths again someday. I took a chance saying what I never said to him and I felt good about it, it feel more at peace. I then asked him, why contact me all of the blue, especially when he just got a girlfriend. It is not fair to her, and he is making himself look pathetic and wanting attention. Then he asked me, Do i still want to be with him, despite of all that has happened?.. I didn’t know how answer him because he just got with another girl. He texted again saying that I loved me a lo and I am amazing but he cannot be with me now, and its shame that we ended like that. I keep trying to stop and let go of the conversation but he keeps the conversations lingering and making me wonder more; its like he wants the conversation to keep going but makes me feel bad. I want to know what does he want from me? (like what is my next move) and why is he doing this 2 months after we broke up, and especially when he is in this new relationship? He is clearly not being fair to his GF now, and keeps looping me around. Cause right now if he want closure, it’s clearly not to me, its too late because I’ve already close the book to that. Is this his way of making me jealous and rubbing it in my face that he moves on and he is happy now, and he wants to say sorry?
Jenn
April 5, 2016 at 1:22 pm
Hi Amor,
Thank you for the response. After sometime of talking to him and asking why over and over, he finally said he just saying sorry and had no intentions of hurting me, and for me not to overthink it. For as long as I’ve known him, saying sorry just isn’t him, he has a motivation but he has a pride he holds on to. I told him there was no point of apologizing because when you get into a relationship, someone will end up feeling hurt and it will surface eventually. He just kept telling me that it was a shame how things ended. I told him that the issue we had was fixable but he didn’t love me enough to fix it. I know fighting isn’t good in most relationships but to me it a way for me to see their true self, and how they handle problems. He avoid arguments like a plague. To me, he was looking for an easy way out. He wanted an easy relationship, something that he didn’t have to work for it. I found that when we were on the urge of breaking up, he had a online dating profile up and active. Right after we broke up, two weeks later he’s gotten with a girl he recent met on there (he just moved to my state a month ago, we’ve been doing LDR for quite sometime). Putting my hurt and anger to the side, I sent him off wishing him the best in everything. But I want to know why do men do this when they know you have healed, they come back to touch wounds that isn’t meant to be touched? It really hurt me when I saw that text from him.. there shouldn’t be a apology to start off with.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 8, 2016 at 5:16 am
hmmm not all men are like that.. it just so happens that that’s his personality
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 3, 2016 at 12:38 pm
Hi Jennifer,
it looks like the girl is a rebound.. if he wants to be with you, he should break up with the new girl first
Therese
March 31, 2016 at 11:26 am
Hello,
Caught my boyfriend of 32 yrs cheating on me with a 26 yr old girl. He is 58 yrs old. It’s been almost 6 months now I have not spoken to him and 5 months seeing him. He stop over a house knowing I was babysitting. He is still with her. I have him on a reject list not to be tempted to answer his calls. he has called a couple of times. Well the other day he called my phone. I drove by them on the highway. VM kick in and all I could hear was her talking. Why even call me. I do know he hears things about me because I hear too much about him and shrug it off. Yes I was very hurt at the time. But why call me ? Is he trying to get her work up because he is calling me? Or me Jealous because he is with her? Why put me in the middle I’ve not bother with either of them. Gone out of my way not to run into them
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 3, 2016 at 11:06 am
Hi Therese,
Maybe it was an accident call.
Platinum
March 22, 2016 at 3:56 pm
Hey again guys. I have some doubts and I could use your opinions on my situation.
Me and my ex boyfriend were together for 1 year and 7 months, and we’re apart for 7 months. During the first 5 months post-breakup, my ex contacted me and used to be quite sexual and would attempt to seduce me several times. He would also ask me about what I was up to. Suddenly, in December, just before New Year’s, he overreacted to something I said and vanished from my sight for 2 months. Some weeks ago, he appeared again on my Facebook side bar. And today, he contacted me all of a sudden.
He seemed quite interested about what I was up. He asked me if there was any guy interested in me. I said “Not that I know of.” He then asked me to take a picture of myself so he could see “how the clothes I designed looked on me”. Then, I learned that he’s been dating a new girl for almost 2 months. After that, he kept on asking about what I was up, and was quite kind and softly flirted with me, asking me things like “So you’re hotter than before? You’re looking great.” and calling me “cutie” and such.
I managed to impress him with the things I’ve been up to. “This is awesome. I’m so happy for you.”, he kept saying.
What do you think? Could he be unhappy with his new relationship and started to miss me?
Thanks in advance! 🙂
Platinum
April 4, 2016 at 7:49 pm
Yes, Amor, will do! The thing is that he’s doing what she told him to do. He was initiating contact with me almost constantly, however when I initiated contact with him, he just told me his girlfriend won’t let him talk to me. And we haven’t talked since… I don’t think she’s spying on him every second, so he’s doing it for other reason besides being scared of being caught on act.
There’s no way for her to know who he’s been talking to, unless she’s asking him to show her his phone, which, knowing him, will bring her trouble. He’s got female best friends too. I wonder if she’s going to tell him to stop talking to them too. Might as well tell him to stop talking to his parents. This is hilarious. xD
I will do as you say. Maybe he’ll start to miss me and start talking to me again. 🙂
Platinum
April 3, 2016 at 6:59 pm
Yes, I agree with you. I let him be that day. I’m keeping my distance.
I just find it this quite sad. I think he’s not the same guy anymore.
But I feel a little powerless… There’s nothing I can do but sit and wait. I don’t know if I’m making progress or not. On one hand, I think I am, because if she wasn’t that scared of me, there would be no reason to keep him from talking to me. On the other, I don’t because he’s obeying her. I’m not sure where I stand.
Thanks for the help, Amor. 🙂
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 4, 2016 at 12:32 pm
welcome! yeah you’re having progress..contnue to do what you did during nc and post it, so your ex will see and miss you.. as long he doesn’t agree with her, he’ll see her being jealous and take your side
Platinum
March 31, 2016 at 8:17 pm
Do you think she started to see me as a threat? I mean, I improved myself a lot. I have a more fit shape, I got a lot of credit for designing the university jackets for my college, I got better at drawing, which is my passion, and I’ve learned how to communicate better. He himself said he was impressed with all my changes. “You’re attractive… you’ve really been working out, huh? Your butt is huge now. I hope you don’t lose that, nor your breasts. I’m very impressed with everything.”
But I don’t like this. I never did these sorts of things to him, I never told him to stop talking to anyone. I didn’t even look at his phone or Facebook because I trusted him and above all I trusted myself as a girlfriend. I certainly wasn’t like his new girlfriend… The worst is that he’s doing what she tells him to do.
I find this ridiculous. This really doesn’t seem like him. I can already tell who wears the boxers, hahahah. But hey, if she’s doing this, it must mean she sees me as someone she cannot compete with, otherwise she wouldn’t be so insecure and manipulative. That’s good, all right. What’s bad is him doing what she says! First, how does she know who I am and what I’ve been doing and how I’ve been talking to him? Second, how can she know if he’s talking to me on her back? Is she spying on him? This is hilarious.
I thought I should add this information. I’m not sure if I’ve accidentally destabilized their relationship.
EBR Team Member: Amor
April 3, 2016 at 11:16 am
That means you have to keep distance.. Because if you come too forward he might agree with his girlfriend that you are trying to win him back.
Platinum
March 31, 2016 at 12:59 pm
Hey Amor, thanks for replying. After having pretty good conversations for some days, I contacted him today and he simply said “Sorry, my girlfriend won’t let me talk to you”.
Well, I felt a bit hurt… I’m losing his friendship. He didn’t use me as a booty call, he was friendly and kind. I really don’t think I have much left to do now, unless waiting that luck stays by my side.
What do you recommend?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 31, 2016 at 9:50 am
HI Platinum,
That’s good that he’s contacting you but if ever he wants to sex again, run away. He’s using you as a booty call.
Teya
March 18, 2016 at 7:26 am
Hi Amor/Chris I broke up with my boyfriend 2 and half months ago, and after doing no contact he contacted me after week 2. We are in 2 different countries but still keep in touch by text. His girlfriend is pregnant and they’re engaged, which he has been pressured into by her and her family. The wedding is only 3 weeks away and he has told his family he is not sure his girlfriend is the one for him. After playing it cool these last few weeks, I told him I still love him and he said he still loves me too. He admitted he is not ready to get married but wants to be there for his child. I told him it’s sad he is getting rushed into marriage but that he doesn’t need to marry to be a father. I can tell he is very torn and stressed out right now so I don’t want to lay any pressure on him. I am trying not to text him too much because I want to give him space, with all that must be going on in his head. What should I do at this point? His family are wanting us to get back together and hate his girlfriend which is another reason I don’t want to pressure him more because I know they have said a lot to him. I am also going to be in his country next month, and we have planned to meet up.
Teya
March 21, 2016 at 2:19 am
BTW i found about him calling it off from his sisters.
Teya
March 21, 2016 at 2:14 am
Ok, just found out last night he called the wedding off. He admitted to his family that she and her family were pressuring him to get married. He and I were texting today, just friendly conversation how’s your day type of thing. He didn’t say anything to me about calling it off and I don’t want to let him know that I know. I have been following all the advice from your site and have got this far. How do I handle things from now on? I’m trying not to get my hopes up as he could easily change his mind.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 21, 2016 at 11:10 am
That’s right.. let him tell it you..just go with the flow for now
Teya
March 20, 2016 at 3:23 am
Hi Amor
No he broke up with me to be with her
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 20, 2016 at 9:39 am
continue what you’re doing now and when you meet up, have it cleared if he’s still getting married, because if he is, make it an official breakup.. If he really loves you, he has to stand up for you
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 19, 2016 at 8:57 am
Hi Teya,
I just want to be clear.. you call the other girl girlfriend, does that mean they were together before you two?
Stacey
March 15, 2016 at 10:04 am
Hi Chris. Thank you for this guide, I just need some clarity please. My boyfriend broke up with me 2 and a half months ago. I utilised NC but he contacted me twice in the first 2 weeks whereafter I told him to move on and that the relationship we had is in the past. Another 2 weeks later, I started contacting him according to your guidelines and it started to seem like we were making progress. The day we broke up as well as once during our conversations, he said that he is not searching for love. The past weekend, I mentioned to a mutual friend that I will go on a date, but instead I decided to catch up with an old friend. After posting a pic of me and my friend on facebook, I later invited my ex to join us for drinks. He showed up with someone else and they were acting very lovey dovey and were having conversations with all the other people in our group as it was a rather big group, but never spoke to me or my friend. 2 days after this, he sent me a message, although it was a meme. Now, basically what I want to find out, was he trying to make me jealous with the other lady or is it possible that he has truly moved on. As far as I know, they are not officially in a relationship as nothing is on facebook. I should also mention that my ex is generally a friendly person as he stayed friends with his previous 2 exes before me. And also, should I still follow the guidelines in getting him back?
Stacey
March 15, 2016 at 5:14 pm
Hi Amor. Well, I asked him 2 weeks ago if he was interested in going for a drink with me, but it was an instant request and not in advance. He told me that he was already on his way to meet someone else for drinks and that I should have asked him sooner. So the event described above was the 2nd attempt, which I also thought might be more comfortable for him as there were mutual friends involved as well. I should also mention that we were in a long distance relationship and therefore only saw each other weekends.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 16, 2016 at 1:56 pm
Oh maybe he was really being friendly.. That means if you’re texting now, you have to build attraction. Continue on the plan and continue posting in social of your activities.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 15, 2016 at 3:32 pm
Hi Stacey,
He may be making you jealous if they’re not together. EYeah, continue on. Where are you in the process? I mean, you’re already open to asking each other meetups? Was that event your first attempt for asking a meetup?
Eleanor
March 13, 2016 at 12:37 am
Hey Chris,
Love your website, finding it very useful, just wanted a bit of one-on-one advice.
My ex broke up with me 4 months ago, he said he wanted to be single. We went no contact from the word go, he didn’t message me because he’d slept with someone after we broke up.
6 weeks later I sent him a letter, to which he responded by messaging me.
A few weeks later of talking nearly everyday we met up and spent a nice few weeks together – basically getting back together.
However, I still felt hurt from the break-up and said I needed to think about if I could forgive him.
A week later I decide I’m being ridiculous, he doesn’t want to hear about it and says he needs to think about what he wants.
So, I started going out on dates with different people and slept with someone as it was clear to me that he didn’t want to be with me as he was being so indecisive.
We then started talking everyday for two months, all the while my ex couldn’t ‘decide’ how he felt and that he was confused.
I then asked him exactly what he wanted, and he said that he wasn’t ready for a relationship with me yet and wants to be single for a while to figure stuff out.
A week later he starts seeing someone new.
He says he loves me as a person, and wants to be friends.
We now haven’t spoken now for 4 days…. Do you think he’ll reach out?
And if so will the no contact rule work if he’s wanting to be friends and he’s just started seeing someone?
Thanks
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 13, 2016 at 7:35 am
Hi Eleanor,
Though I can’t guarantee 100% that you’ll get him back, no contact can make him miss you..especially of you do it right.. Do active nc and try to move on without moving on
Hello Chris,
March 9, 2016 at 3:04 am
Hello Chris,
I read your entire post and I have to say I am finally impressed with the raw and brutal truth you laid out for all of us. I really do appreciate that. I just wanted to know, why my ex boyfriend, first true love, I was 14 and he was 19 ( no it was not a physical relationship at all) He broke up with me after a year of dating. We were youngish. Well I was. 34 years go by and he comes back, first because of stupid crack book (FB). Then he was very nice and bought my wedding ring ( I failed relationship marriage after 10 years) So that I could move to my new place (rental) Anyway, all find and well. I never here from him for about 6 months. Then he shows up ( lives in Toronto) Grew up here, family is here. We meet have a nice chat. His life sounds good, and then he opens up and a can of fiery worms come blasting all over the place. So life is not good, has a marital affair, and wants to leave his wife, oh but not for her, he says, yeah right heard that one before not stupid. Anyway sure enough another 12 months he contact me again. We text chat and he tells me, ready, laughter please, he has separated from his wife and is now living with his affair. sorry I fell of my stool laughing my ass off.
That being said, why is he coming back to me. I don’t need him, love him or want him back. When we broke up 30 years ago, he did the same thing a year later came back took me out to dinner and then told me he had a girlfriend. Okay so the only thing I can think of is that he feels guilty for the way things ended. You know what I am okay I survived I am fine, I have moved on. So why can’t he. What do I do. Why do I have to be the bad person in this.
Obviously I am a bit jealous, should not be. But I have been divorced for 7 years. I have been single : single for 4 years. Its tough, but whatever moving on. Tell me what to do. So I do not come out looking like the bad gal.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 9, 2016 at 6:54 pm
Hi,
sorry, I didn’t quite understood what you said.. correct me if I’m wrong.. the last time he talked to you.. he’s friendly right? why do you think you appear as the bad guy?
Teya
February 27, 2016 at 12:43 am
My boyfriend left me 2 months ago for the girl he cheated on me with and she got pregnant. After initially doing the no contact, after 2 weeks he contacted me telling me he still loves me. For the past month he always texts me, tells me I was the best girlfriend etc. I have played it cool and not told him I feel the same although I think he knows I still love him. He is engaged to this girl after being pressured into it by her family and he knows I will be in his country ( we live in 2 different countries) next month. He has been begging to see but I am not sure if he is just looking for a last hook up before he gets married or if he really does care about me. When I asked him if he is still getting married, he said he doesn’t know. I told him today I don’t want to be in contact anymore and asked him to let me go. He was reluctant but begged me not to unfriend him on Facebook or block him on messenger. I have decided to do no contact again, is this the best thing to do right now?
Teya
March 4, 2016 at 2:18 am
Hi again! So it’s coming up to a week of no contact and i know it’s inevitable my ex is going to contact me soon especially since I will in his country at the end of the month. The thing is i am really angry right now and if he texts, with the way I am feeling I probably won’t respond nicely. Would this be a mistake? I mean I still want him back but would it be better to play it cool and pretend I’m happy?
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 4, 2016 at 7:21 am
it’s better not to respond when you’re angry
Teya
March 1, 2016 at 8:30 am
Hi another thing is, he is so adamant about wanting me and getting back together when he is drunk, and he remembers what he says the day after but seems unsure about it when he is sober. I understand it’s because he is engaged but it’s really messing my head up which is why I am doing no contact again.
EBR Team Member: Amor
March 1, 2016 at 4:09 pm
Thing is, he’s engaged.. sober or not, keep tht in mind in making decisions with your next steps about him
Teya
February 27, 2016 at 8:19 pm
Thanks Amor! I was thinking I would do no contact until I am his country, then I was going to text him to meet up for lunch. I am still in 2 minds about this but do you think it’s ok to meet up with him? When I told him yesterday I was not going to be in contact, I also told him I didn’t want to see him when I went over but I feel like this would my last chance ( to make one last good impression and I want to leave him wanting me) and also he’s been telling me for the last month, there’s things he wants to tell me face to face and not on the phone. I know he definitely wants sex when we meet up, but I have told him that’s off the table unless he is single.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 28, 2016 at 1:41 pm
If it’s to talk things thru..it’s ok.. just prepare yourself if ever he doesn’t reply or decline
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 27, 2016 at 10:46 am
Hi teya,
I remember yah! well, yes… becauswe if he’s really serious he has to man up and be respectful to you by choosing you.. If he’s still getting married, then you have all the reason not to talk to him
Jen
February 25, 2016 at 3:46 am
Dated my ex for 7 yrs. We’ve been broken up for two years. Shortly after I broke up with him and kicked him out he got a new girlfriend. They’ve gotten engaged and moved in together from what I gather. He would still text every once in awhile wanting to pick up some stuff or wanting sex. We haven’t seen each other in over a year. Today he finally got his stuff. We ended up having sex. I’m so confused. I’d like to believe there’s more to it but I’m thinking he just wanted sex. He’s not friendly with any Exs. Not even his son’s mother. I refuse to contact him. Wonder if he will reach out to me again.
EBR Team Member: Amor
February 25, 2016 at 1:35 pm
Hi Jen,
He is just after the sex.. because to be frank.. he knows he can get it..
Tara
February 21, 2016 at 1:14 am
Hi Chris! Im in a weird situation, my ex and I dated for 10 months and we broke up over giving each other space. But he started dating someone about a month after our breakup and i decided not to talk to him or contact him but he sends me messages saying that he misses me, complaining about his current gf and little inside jokes we use to have. I don’t know if its him being friendly or its something more. Can i get your inside perspective on that please!?!?!
U
December 11, 2015 at 5:22 pm
Hi Chris,
What does it mean if my ex was rubbing in about his new girlfriend when we literally just broke up and I was begging for him to give me another chance? And the reason why he has a new girlfriend already after the breakup was because he was actually seeing someone secretly since last month and only revealed it to me after we broke up. I feel like he’s rubbing it in to hurt me.
Lisa
November 28, 2015 at 3:13 am
I had a relationship with my ex for 2 years. We lived together for 1 year. It was wonderful, but we had kids living with us, which caused complications. In a flustered moment, I told him to leave. I did not want that to happen though & told him this many times. Well he did leave very soon after. We have kept in contact, mostly texts. He is still texting me 4 months later , although they have become very random. He has recently told me that he has moved in with another, 3 months after we went separate ways. He has told me that he made a mistake in this move. I am appalled by his behavior regarding what he has done. What I want advice on is if I should still reply to his texts. I love/loved him very much and I feel very distressed over this situation. Part of me wants to keep hearing from him, but the logical part says “do not reply to his texts”. I do not want to be put in a situation of someone (gf he is living with) to come after me. I don’t want to be mean but at the same time I want block him from contacting me. I am used to remaining friendly with exes, but in this case I feel replaced so quickly, I don’t know that I would ever want to get back with him…ever! He says things like “we are not finished yet”. Is he just keeping me in his back pocket or is he using me as a shoulder to cry on for making such terrible mistakes? I am confused if I should just cut him out of my life completely or let him vent through text? I feel like he is exhausting me & it is much harder for me to move on in a better direction with these texts he is sending.
Angela
November 27, 2015 at 6:45 am
Hi Chris – thanks for clarifying why my ex-boyfriend contacts me even after we broke up years ago. We dated for two years and I ended it; I tried to salvage our friendship but like you eloquently said, most “people can’t be friends with their exes because of all the emotional and physical baggage.” I need to cut him off, if not for good.
Betty
September 29, 2015 at 2:55 am
So, I dated a guy for 4.5 years and we’ve been broken up for 3 months, and he has a new girlfriend. Up until about a week or two ago we hadn’t talked, we had seen each other around town but didn’t even talk or wave to each other. The other week he texted me all day and asked me to come over, of course I did, and we had sex. Well, I thought that would be the end of it. He ended up messaging me again about a week later and had been talking to me all day again, and said that he just couldn’t work things out right now so I understood where he was coming from. Then on the same day he asked me to come over again, we had sex again, and he was talking to me about his recent girlfriend. He told me that we couldn’t keep doing this and again I understood, but he said if he were single I could come over anytime, I told him that he needed to try to make things work with his girlfriend and he said you never know we might break up.. Is he just playing mind games, does he have GIGS, or what exactly is he trying to do here?
Kim
September 8, 2015 at 11:15 pm
If my comment is too long, just let me know. Otherwise, you can disregard. Just let me know either way. Much appreciated….
Kim
Kim
September 6, 2015 at 4:37 am
Hi Chris… I’d like to start off in a somewhat unusual manner. I’m hoping it will make more sense if laid out like this…
IN A LETTER HE SENT ME 5 DAYS AFTER I LEFT…
–he reassures me he never cheated on me other than making a stupid mistake with the gal on Facebook
–he says he is not seeing anybody and doesn’t have any intentions of dating again
–he says he didn’t really feel like I loved him
–he felt that when he put his arm around me in bed it was like hugging a brick…no response
–he said that when he hugged me it felt like I wanted him to let go after five seconds
–he said I never complimented him on anything, criticized him a lot
–he said it hurt his feelings when I joked about things, even though I told him I was only joking, it still bothered him
–he said he honestly felt that he was just an escape from Idaho for me
–he again falls back on saying the chemistry just wasn’t there (Whatever that really means…I think he really means lack of showing admiration, a lot of affection, etc.)
–he then says, anyway that all doesn’t matter anymore
–then he says.. I hope you find a great job, there isn’t anything here unless you’re medical (WTH???)
–he also said that he hopes that I find the right guy for me and that he makes me extremely happy
–he adds…He’s out there somewhere. Keep looking, you still have a long life ahead (SERIOUSLY???)
–he said he never experienced anything like us before and that maybe it was the HORRIBLE start and we just NEVER recovered from it
–he says that I’m a great woman and that I’ve overcome A LOT of things in the year that he’s known me and he’s proud of me for that
WHY WOULD HE EVEN BOTHER SAYING ANY OF THIS IF HE IS TRULY “DONE” WITH ME?????
Maybe I am crazy or just reading into things, but it just doesn’t add up in my mind. I wouldn’t bother saying all these things if I didn’t still care because it wouldn’t matter to me anymore. I would just wish him the best. Even if he felt guilty or sorry for what he did, saying these things doesn’t help. Saying he was sorry would’ve been the right thing to do. Instead, he is shifting the blame on to me, or that is what it feels like when I read this.
We met a crazy way on Facebook. I live in Idaho and he lives in Pennsylvania. I drove over two times and stayed for two months the first time, which was quite rocky, and then returned with the plan of staying for six months. I only made it for months before I found out he was sexting and exchanging pics with a married woman on Facebook. I called him on it via text because he was at work, and his response was anger and basically, as he had said a number of times before, “F*** You!!! Be gone when I get home,” with other comments thrown in. When I say he had said these things a number of times before, it was always when he felt hurt or frustrated. In fact, I was packed and ready to leave just weeks before all of this happened and he ended up telling me that he did not want me to go and that he wasn’t ready/didn’t want to let go or give up on us. So I stayed… In hindsight, leaving then would have been much easier in the long run than staying, only to find out and see what he was doing. It gutted me! I believe I am the longest relationship he has had, other than his past marriages. He married his HS sweetheart at a young age and went into the military. That did not last long and fairly soon after he married again. This time, while still in the military, he was married for 12 years and they had a son. Sometime later, he married a woman he met on an online dating site and after, I believe, six months, married her and then filed for divorce five weeks later. One red flag, and a very large one at that, was his claim that all of his marriages ended because of “her.” Any relationships he has had, or attempted to have, have never worked out. The one right before me, according to him, didn’t seem to share the same level of interest and it was almost as if she was just using him. He does have a big heart. I will give him that much, and like I said, as far as I know, I was the longest relationship to date, aside from his first two marriages. I made a lot of changes which were good and necessary. Changes that I wanted to make for myself. He always said, and still does, that he thinks I’m an awesome person and that he is so impressed with the changes I have made and my willingness to make such changes. I think most women just say, “this is how I am, take it or leave it.” I think in many ways I was refreshing in that sense, as someone who is full of life, energy and also has a huge heart. He also thought I was “gorgeous.” I did put on a little bit of weight because he loved to eat out. He said that bothered him a little bit. I have since dropped all of that weight and I’m back down to my slender athletic build that he originally seemed to love. However, looking at his exes and some of the women he complements, they are nowhere near as attractive, in my opinion, physically and certainly not in personality. I want to add that I say this very humbly, as I am the least arrogant person you will ever meet.
Soon after I left PA, returned home, and received his letter, I texted him and told him that although he gutted me, I still loved him and wanted to stay together. He said he was fine being good friends but that he only loved me as a friend. It has been eight months since I left, and over those eight months we have kept in contact and he actually texts me as much as he did when we were “together.” The texts are not deep and if I ever hint or say something that brings back a memory, he will usually not respond, or sends a funny pic. He has always been into sending funny pics and comments. That is why I say that not much has changed as far as the texting goes. Of course he doesn’t send the “I love you” texts, but the rest are pretty much the same. I find it interesting that he will still text me about his problems at work, his financial goals, putting his boat up for sale, selling his slip at the marina, etc… I think that is quite odd. I know he prides himself and having nice things, impressive things, and seems to want to make sure that I know he has acquired everything he didn’t have, that he thought I would like, since I’ve left. Sometimes he texts or responds to my texts, with pictures and comments about things he has acquired. He usually does this if some time has passed since we last texted. For instance, I made a nice comment about him having at least one person who cares about him even if I am 2400 miles away. That may sound strange standing alone, but in the context of our texts it was fitting. When I have said things like, “that is certainly a nice collection of guitars you’re getting my friend,” he seems thrown off a bit. (That was after he had sent me a picture of his new guitar). It’s little things like that that make me question if he just doesn’t know how to repair the damage that’s been done and still does love me, though he denies it. He didn’t text too often for the first three months, but always responded within a day if I texted him. Over the past five months he has been very actively sending me texts at least 2 to 3 times a week, and many times every day. When he took a trip to Florida for a week, he texted me every day. I tried going for nine days without responding and didn’t respond to any of the three texts he sent me, each about two days apart. The last text he sent during those nine days was pictures of beautiful horses with a question for me. That was the ninth day and I did respond and answer his question, but I was fairly brief and more reserved than he is used to me being. He commented back and then told me that he was headed out to his garage to sand on one of his model airplanes. I didn’t respond. About two hours later he sent me some pictures and explained what he was doing, such as the changes he was making to them. Again I did not respond. In fact, I didn’t text him and he didn’t text me for the next 30 days. I’m sure he felt either insulted or hurt by my lack of response and felt certain that I would text him. When I didn’t after a few days, I think his pride took over. I didn’t text him because I wanted to see if he would text me. As you know, he didn’t. On the 30th day I sent him a nice text that said, “Hey there stranger! When I didn’t get a response from you some time ago, I figured you must have your reasons. Regardless of why, I don’t want to interfere or jeopardize anything…I simply wanted to say that I hope all is well and things are going good for you. ?” He responded right away and said, “No…I thought you were mad at me…..” Then he proceeded to tell me that he had purchased another Harley and told me all of the details about the financing, the amount off, etc. He even sent at least four or five pictures of it. He also mentioned it had integrated GPS and played music off his phone or any other Bluetooth device. Both things he knew I thought would be cool that weren’t on his other bike, which is loaded. He also had to tell me that he got the “eye” working (on the other bike), which lights up when you turn the power on, but wasn’t working when I was there. I didn’t respond. The next morning he sent me a funny pic. I responded later and told him that I was never mad and that I just figured that he had cut ties out of respect for someone and that I would never want to cause problems. I then said that since that didn’t seem to be the case, I was glad I texted him because I’d missed hearing from him and his funny texts. I complimented him on his new bike and made a few other comments, then sent a funny pic. He responded to the pic, NEVER said he was interested in or dating anyone, and then said, “Heading Out…have a great ‘settler’ day Kimbo! :)” I responded, “Ok. You too.” He was very brief, never said Thanks, and it was three days of nothing before I decided to test things and send him a funny text. Needless to say, he responded right away, but was very brief. He ended up saying that he had to go to bed because he started his work shift the next day, saying, “you know how that is. :(” “Ttyl Settler.” He had never used “Ttyl” or “Later gator.” So, 4 days of silence later, I decided to just put it out there, so to speak. This is what that text consisted of, and it’s the last text we have had to date:
(8/31/15)
ME:
“Everyone appreciates honesty until they have an ugly baby. ?”
***I also sent a funny dog pic…
———-
HIM:
“That’s funny”
———-
ME:
“Is everything ok?”
———-
HIM:
“On a flight” (He is a LifeFlight Pilot)
———-
ME:
“I only ask because you seem very distant and act like you have no interest in staying friends. Not sure why you would have thought I was mad at you, but I said I wasn’t and you still act like you would rather not interact anymore. I’m a straight shooter and if you have found someone you like and feel uncomfortable texting me, I can understand and will respect that. Whatever the reason…just tell me and if need be, I’ll stop contacting you…I’ll even delete all your contact information if you want.
Like you once told me..”it’s no fun chasing someone who doesn’t want to be caught.” The same goes for friendships. No fun trying to be a friend with someone who no longer wants to be. Definitely not into feeling like a nuisance.”
“NO DRAMA…I just want the truth. Thanks.”
———-
HIM:
“Just started dating someone but I still want to be friends!!!…I’m just busy…things at work are bad!!!…”
“I have a lot of female friends….men are Bitches!! Hahahaha”
———-
ME:
“Thank you for being honest. I won’t bother you again.”
———-
HIM:
“We can still be friends!!!”
“Unless you don’t want to”
“Got to go flying…weather getting shitty”
“Later settler!!!”
———-
ME:
I DID NOT AND HAVE NOT RESPONDED!!!!
———-
And that is the last interaction we’ve had…… I think he is excited about having someone to take his mind off me, and he has a new Harley to play with. He doesn’t deal with his feelings or emotions. He stuffs them away and tries to distract himself. I think me ignoring him hurt and he grabbed at someone to fill a void. That is my guess. She may be wonderful. I’m not bashing her. I just know his past and patterns of coping. I think I see him in a light no one else has been able to see, including him. I can always seem to see things concerning others, offer solid advice, yet can’t seem to help myself. I know…not the first time you’ve heard that I’m sure.
PS…I also want to add that he refuses to be friends on Facebook. He says it just caused problems. (HUH???) He only shares stuff with “friends” so I can’t see anything, but I can see that he still has pictures of me, my dogs (who he put a very nice fence in for), pics from us on his boat, him on his Harley titled “Pic by Kim” and my Profile Pictures (with his comments) from when we agreed that I’d fly over to meet him. Any pictures he had of the gal before me, which was only one, was deleted within a day from the time we started talking. He told me about her, but he never left her picture up. So I ask you…WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN AND WHY DOES HE STILL HAVE MY PICTURES UP ON HIS FACEBOOK??? I can see them because they are set to “Public.” I haven’t said anything to him about them.
I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP AND ADVICE!!!!
Sincerely,
Kim
Dyana
September 12, 2015 at 5:34 am
It looks to me he’s a very materialist guy, who likes to brag about things he acquired and to show off. maybe his self esteem is very low, so he needs to compensate by all the expensive items he buys and exibits.
Secondly, he just told you he started to date again. It’s very simple. It means he’s interested in dating somebody else, and no you. I know is harsh to hear it, but believe me, its better to accept it now and turn the page the faster you can, in order for you to meet a guy who really apreciates you and wants to be with you, not with somebody else.
Third, he just told you he just want to be friends. So maybe you should believe him on this one. He really appreciated your friendship, you said you’re good with giving adise. So maybe he’s even counting on you to help him with his new realtionship. yeah, l know, some guys are pretty selfish, they only think about their needs, regardless what the others might feel.
Anyway, l assumed he told you the truth. Otherwise, if he made all this up, it means he’s not sincere with you, he’s not reliable, he’s playing games and… why the hack would you like to be with a guy who’s lying to you and who’s playing games with you???
Im sure you deserve beter! Good luck! :).
Dyana
September 12, 2015 at 5:25 am
Hey! lve read your email and lm sorry you got through all these problems with this guy.
carmita
August 16, 2015 at 5:09 pm
Hello Chris,
I was reading your posts to get an answer to my dilemma.
I have a very complicated relationship with a man from Africa. We meet 3 years ago while I was in another relationship. I have to say that my first relationship was the first but unfortunately, I never loved the person ☹. When X came to my life, I was confused and I always wanted to break up with the former one. Finally, I did broke up and for long time I felt guilty that I hurt him. With X, everything was great in the beginning; he is a very intelligent and strong man but in the same times self centered and ambitious for his carrier. We used to break up quite often in the beginning but always get back after just half of day and declare unbeatable love (here I have to say that I was always the first to speak with him and all the time he was very sad after we argued but once I was approaching him his mood was suddenly changing). The second year we date was on distance while I was working in another country even though he is very stingy with money was coming to visit me and had a great time together. Once I was accepted to the MA in the same university the things changed. He started to find excuses not to see me due to his studies he is a PHD student. I always understand him and I was accepting his rules to come to see me in the weekends. Whenever, I asked him to go out with me he always refused me saying that he has not time for that.
Two months ago he started to say that there is no chance to continue because he is bored and cant stand my naggings saying that he is to busy and I want to much time and attention and he cant offer. I agreed once again to see him just on weekends and spend less time together, even though both of us are in the summer break. We used to see each other rarely and almost all the time he was avoiding my questions related to our stratus. I though again that he is in his stress with his studies etc. but today he said me that he is dating another girl and I should move on and not to bother him, that the girl is from his country and will arrive in the place I am leaving in very short time and he wants me the best. I do not know what to do, how to get faster out of this. I asked him not to come and see her there.(in 10 days I will leave that place) he got very angry and said that this is not his business how I feel.
I always found him excuses and I did my best to make him happy, he was always my priority and my first love, I know that once he loved me and even now he is speaking as a friend with me, I do not know what to do, please help me.
jen
August 13, 2015 at 10:40 am
Dear Chirs,
Mine is a very complicated situation. My ex and i started dating in 2003. we had a steady deep relationship, many experiences, highs and lows of life together. Until in 2010 I was ready to be married but he wasnt, he started acting funny and less committed so i ended the relationship. I started seeng another guy in 2011 for some months and then my ex bf returned begging to have me back. Eventually i went back to him in 2012. He wasnt still showing any signs of making a commitment. broke up with him again. We started seeing each other scantily and when we started getting close again he disappeared. I called him trying to meet up and he crushed me by saying we are not even a couple.
I started struggling to get him back but failed. I started seeing another guy in 2013 but 4 months ago i broke up with the new guy(we dated 1.5 years) again because i still love my ex. meanwhile, my ex had been begging and on one night called me almost 50 times. It frustrated me so i ddnt respond. He called weeks later to say he is tired and cant continue chasing me. All i said was ‘ok’.
I tried to get my ex back for a month again and two months ago my ex asked me for a date. We got close again and he missed me so much, was treating me real nice for about 3weeks and he told me he was not dating. Until i stopped by his house and met a girl there. he ddnt let me in. I was shattered and went home crying. I sent him a text saying ‘thank you’ and the next morning he sent a reply saying i moved on and so did he. Said the girl i met is his girlfriend and he had to cope wth the breakup pain so he started seeing her. again he said that he loves me not her but i am the one who pushed him away 6months ago. I cried and and told him he making a mistake. He ddnt accept or apologise that he lied about having a gf. Rather, he said i am pretending not to know. I actually has no idea because i asked and he told me he was single and he had been acting like it was just me and him again.
I however started NC and on day 1 he called repeatedly then ddnt call again until day 11 he called 3x but i ddnt answer. At day 31 of NC i sent him an email saying i understand he has a new gf and i mean them well. i Apologised for hurting him . then i added a milestone of my career to show that i am doing fine.
Days after i sent my first text, he replied quick and lauged at the joke but soon as i mentioned i have to go, he got angry and said ‘one good turn deserves another’. he also sent a vid that implied i need to go for marriage councelling. i said thank you and bye.
Other points, he has been talking to many ppl about how much i hurt him. When we were together for weeks, he told me how his new house looked like mine and he still has gifts i gave him around the house.
He still blaming me for everything that has gone wrong with us. Esp that i wasnt there for him when he was broke.
I dont know what to do from here on. he is 34 and i am 31 now and we both want to get married. I believe he thinks he is ready to marry the girl he started dating months ago AND I am being a bad wife. He is very angry and has been saying hurtful things to me
I am confused now and dont know what to do. He definitely is also trying to rubb the new girl in my face with his statuses but i have ignored all of it. He even said i love u to her last month on instagram.
I am so confused and hurting real bad. About to give up. Please help
Chris Seiter
August 13, 2015 at 1:03 pm
Sounds like he is being vindictive. Why did you send him an email saying you understand he has a new gf and mean them well? It sounds like you had him on the line at that point and that he still cares about you. Try no contact again for 21 days and read the guide on texting. That should give you a good idea of what to say to him.
shoegal
July 29, 2015 at 11:08 am
Dear Chris! Me and my ex boyfriend were together for 6 years. Everything was perfect, I swear. Out of the blue he decided to break up with me saying he doesn’t want to regret never trying how it’s like to be with someone else. He regrets we met so early in our lives. What are my chances in getting him back if that’s the case? Looking forward to hear from you. Shoegal.
Noelle
July 28, 2015 at 9:15 pm
I know 100% fact my ex is dating someone else now for a few weeks and he keeps lying to me about her. If he doesn’t want back together (which I do), Why? He keeps saying he isn’t seeing her never has isn’t seeing anyone. Now we are on bad terms because he found out I lied about something, and he still is lying. I don’t get it.