By Chris Seiter

Published on October 24th, 2022

Today I’d like to explore the power of silence after a breakup.

And the interesting thing about silence as a whole is that I find most people have a misunderstanding on how it’s supposed to work.

Well, I’m here to clear that misunderstanding up.

Here’s what we’re going to be talking about today.

  • Does Silence Via The No Contact Rule Actually Work?
  • The Benefit Of Silence For Anxious Individuals
  • The Silent Rally
  • The Correct Way To Implement Silence

Let us begin!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Does Silence Via The No Contact Rule Actually Work?

Without a doubt, if you find yourself in the breakup community (aka the get your ex back space) you are going to be hearing about the no contact rule.

Basically a special rule that people talk about referring to the importance of “cutting your ex off” for a specific period of time. The idea is simple, by doing this your ex will miss you and you can get results like this,

(By the way; this screenshot was taken directly from our private Facebook support group.)

Now the big thought the industry has is that the no contact rule works solely because you are being silent. You are ignoring your ex and as a result they miss you.

But what if I were to tell you that the screenshot example above is the exception to the rule, not the rule itself.

In fact, using the no contact rule alone isn’t usually enough to get an ex to reach out to you frantically. Most exes won’t actually do that.

A few years ago I conducted a poll in my Facebook support group of which there are now over 7,300 members,

I asked them a simple question,

For those of you who have used the no contact rule on your exes, how many of them actually reached out to you during it?

Here were the results,

Over 62% of participants admitted that the no contact rule did not cause an ex to reach out to them.

So, this idea that the no contact rule is what will inspire an ex to reach out is completely false. Now, the average person may read this and think,

“Well, silence via no contact doesn’t work.”

But that’s actually false as well.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

One deep dive into our success stories,

Is enough to show anyone that pretty much all of our clients are using silence to get their ex back via the no contact rule.

So, what’s going on here?

Well, ultimately what I think I’m trying to argue is that silence works on your ex but just not the way you are expecting it to and that’s ok. It literally took me years to figure all of that out.

The benefit of silence really comes in two forms.

  1. Anxious Behavior Tendencies
  2. Silence Allows You To Rally

Let’s take a minute to explore both.

Silence And Anxious Behavior Tendencies

2022 has really been the year of incorporating attachment styles into our program.

And really we learned two important things this year.

Most of our clients are anxious,

And most of our clients exes are avoidant,

And usually what happens when these two types of attachment styles get into a relationship together the following unfolds,

This is the avoidant death wheel. Often it’s what the demise of a relationship looks like when the two opposing attachment styles partner up.

Now, I’ve color coded some interesting things on the wheel.

  • The red area, phase three is often when the avoidant starts to notice the anxious individuals anxious behaviors.
  • The grey area, is when the actual breakup takes place.
  • The orange area, is the separation elation that the avoidant ex will go through.
  • The green area, is what tends to occur when that avoidant individuals is left alone long enough.

So, the benefit of silence is two fold from an attachment style perspective.

The first thing is that it counteracts the core wound of an anxious person. You see, someone with that attachment style is terrified of being abandoned and so when they actually do go through a breakup, to them, it feels like they are being abandoned.

The result is that they start to act crazy.

Remember that texting example I gave above?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

That is an anxious person.

  • They act desperate.
  • Do everything to get your attention
  • Try to fix things

Now, all this ultimately ends up doing is pushing an avoidant person (the ex) further away because the last thing an avoidant wants to do is be bogged down by someone who could threaten their independence.

By engaging in silent behaviors like no contact you actually give an avoidant ex time to have nostalgia.

One of the ideas I explored in this video,

Is this idea from Free to Attach,

That avoidants are free to long for an ex once that person is unavailable out of the relationship, and typically out of contact so they are untouched by actual engagement and their deactivation systems aren’t triggered, revealing their long-suppressed attachment and switching their operating attachment wound from the fear of engulfment to fear of abandonment.

Basically only when you leave an avoidant alone do they have time to sit and reflect on the relationship.

You want them to do that because that’s often when they start to recognize what they lost.

But there’s one other huge benefit that silence allows you to have.

Silence Allows You To Rally

Are you familiar with baseball?

One of the embedded ideas within the game is the idea of the rally.

I’ll let help explain the concept for those who don’t know,

A “rally” pertains to a situation, wherein the batting team records a number of hits in a single inning which results to more than one run. 

Basically you have enough rallies in a baseball game and you give yourself the best chance of winning.

Well, using silence on an ex allows you to rally your life.

One of the things that I work really hard with clients on is getting them to a headspace where they find something that they care more about than their ex.

This allows them to put the breakup into perspective and helps them knock their ex off whatever pedestal they have them on in their mind.

So, how does one rally their life during silence?

I’ve always found great success by introducing my holy trinity concept,

  1. Health
  2. Wealth
  3. Relationships

Basically by setting global goals for each category and striving every day towards achieving those goals you can accomplish some amazing things.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

So, what would that look like?

Well, maybe something like this,

  1. Health – Complete a Marathon
  2. Wealth – Get a big promotion at work (or become financially independent)
  3. Relationships – Go On Dates With Someone Other Than Your Ex

I purposefully made the relationships goal kind of easy to achieve there since I’m banking on the symbiotic nature of the trinity to that up.

If you aren’t familiar, what negatively can affect one area of the trinity can also negatively affect the others. It’s why so many of our clients come to us with their entire lives out of whack after a breakup.

A negative impact on relationships bleeds over into wealth and health.

But the opposite can also be true.

A positive impact on health and wealth can bleed over into relationships.

Here’s my point. Use the trinity to rally and put your life back together.

But there’s one final thing we need to talk about today and that’s the correctly way to use silence.

The Correct Way To Implement Silence

I usually don’t subscribe to the idea of a complete silence.

I subscribe to the idea of a weaponized one.

But how do you weaponize silence?

Well, you do it with social media.

Now, I talk about this concept a little in one of my earlier videos and posts from last year,

But one of the best ways to get through a no contact rule but still let your ex know what you are up to is simply by being consistent on what you post.

I’ve always lived by the rule of five.

Basically you cycle through the same five categories.

The goal isn’t to make an ex jealous or to prove that you are winning the breakup. Rather, it’s to show that you are committed to moving on from your ex.

Again, you do this by posting from within the five categories,

  1. Health Based Post
  2. Wealth Based Post
  3. Relationship Based Post
  4. Magnum Opus Based Post
  5. Your Choice Based Post

The first three are pretty self explanatory.

You are posting something related to your trinity.

  1. Health
  2. Wealth
  3. Relationships

Where things tend to get confusing for people is with the magnum opus. I’ve talked a ton about this throughout the website namely here but I’ve always viewed the magnum opus as a life’s ambition that you are hoping to achieve that can fill up all three areas of the trinity.

In other words, what can you do that will have an intersection among all three areas of health, wealth and relationships.

I’ve been on record multiple times stating that my ambition is to become a novelist and create a game of thrones level success.

For me, that is where the trinity intersects.

It might be different for you but whatever it is, it needs to be something that you are passionate about.

So, anyways, getting back on topic, the way to weaponize silence on social media is cycling through the five categories above. So, in a week it would look like this,

  1. Monday: Health based post
  2. Tuesday: Wealth based post
  3. Thursday: Relationship based post
  4. Friday: Magnum Opus Based post
  5. Sunday: You choose

And then the week starts over and you do it again.

And again.

And again.

The point here isn’t to make an ex jealous it’s to show them in the silent moments that you aren’t hung up on them. In fact, if anything I want them thinking you are over them and moving on with your life.

What to Read Next

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

1 thought on “Using The Power Of Silence After A Breakup”

  1. Anonymous

    December 3, 2022 at 10:48 pm

    This was great! Thank you!