The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Lala

April 25, 2014 at 1:01 pm

I’m so lost and I need your male expert advice!
We were dating for nearly two years, until he told me he doesn’t love me like he used to and he doesn’t see a future for us anymore. I was shattered so of course I begged and pleaded. That was 30 days ago. I stopped trying to contact him 3 weeks ago (I didn’t know about no contact) but he never tried to contact me in that time. I sent him a msg this week telling him that I hope one day we could be friends and that he doesn’t have bad feelings toward me. He told me he will never think badly of me and that we can be friends but he needs space. I agreed that I also needed space and he wished me well. Only after that did I find your website. After reading every article I regret sending that msg. 1) Are my chances ruined after sending him the last text? 2) Will no contact work if he knows I’m not going to contact him? 3) what can I do to better my chances? We really were great together, we just drifted apart and I want to share my life with him again.

admin

April 28, 2014 at 4:00 pm

1. Not completely. I am working on something new that is going to be interesting to you.
2. Not as effectively but it can still have an effect.
Lala

April 28, 2014 at 6:37 pm

I will check your website everyday till you’ve posted it 🙂 thank you so much!

shattered hearts

April 23, 2014 at 4:11 am

Hi. My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year plus. I was cheated once and I’ve told him I need him to be honest with me at all times. We broke up ytd because he lied to me. I am really hurt. But we’ve planned a trip 2 weeks later and the air tickets & accommodation have already been paid. So do I continue the NC plan which we will both missed out the trip or just ho back together? But I do not want him to take me for granted and let him think is normal for him to lie to me. How. What should I do?
Karla

April 22, 2014 at 1:57 pm

So I’ve started the NC rule, and I’m on day 3, but I had some questions. While I do avoid him now by taking different routes to classes, spending free time doing work, but all of our friends our mutual. I’m not sure how right it is to talk to them because they spend more time with him. I’m thinking I can, because they respect me just as much as him because of how he is at times, but it’ll be hard. I’m not one to cry infront of others while putting on such a front. Thanks!

Karla

April 22, 2014 at 2:30 pm

Oh yeah, also it’s unavoidable to see him in the mornings. I saw him yesterday, but I was keeping myself occupied, whether it was talking to others or doing some errands for teachers, but I see him every morning. How bad is that?

Tani

April 22, 2014 at 6:11 am

My boyfriend of 18months 2 weeks ago asked for space and told me he needed some time to figure out how he feels. I haven’t contacted him and decided I would not for at least a month but 2 days ago he randomly called me (this is before I had come across your website) I answered not knowing this was going to effect me…we had small talk he just asked what I was doing and I actually was out with a girlfriend having drinks and after a few minutes of small talk he said i should let you go as it sounds like your having fun and I said ok and that was it. Now me answering his call I hope it has not stuffed any chances of him wanting me back…Has it? what do I do know? do I restart the 30 days no contact with him again? Please help-im confused as to what to do.

admin

April 22, 2014 at 4:54 pm

Haha honestly I think you played the call perfectly. Stick to NC nevertheless though.

Laura

April 19, 2014 at 7:23 pm

Hi,

My boyfriend and I dated for 1.5 years….he is 10 years older than me and we never told each other we loved one another…I always thought it was him having personal issues or he just wasn’t in a rush to marry….well he told me that he knew he was capable of loving but just wasn’t in love with me and that we needed to stop seeing one another but of course loves my friendship and daughters–suggested we be civil and still be friends….I’m devastated because I did so much for him and it was never enough….Do you think he will ever realize what he had? or What do I do? We had a great relationship–we never fought, we had a great friendship and great communication…but he says he built a wall up and just never loved me…

Laura

April 20, 2014 at 8:50 pm

I’m 21 and he is turning 31 in 3 months. We each have a child
From different relationships…he actually text me
This morning saying “hey just wanted to tell you that I hope you’re doing good 🙂 hope you and Sophia have a good Easter :)” it’s been 48 hours since we broke up…I have yet to reply!
admin

April 20, 2014 at 3:48 am

What are your ages?
laura

April 21, 2014 at 11:52 pm

I’m 21 & he’s 31…I heard from him sunday and today….I mean why is he texting me if he “can’t fall in love with me”????
admin

April 22, 2014 at 4:46 pm

He probably still emotionally relies on you.
Laura

April 23, 2014 at 3:03 pm

Okay so what do I do? No contact? I’m not sure if he’s trying to be my friend or misses me…he’s constantly messaging asking how Im doing and If we can get our kids together for a playdate…idk!

Sarah

April 16, 2014 at 12:38 pm

I would like to write this to give some hope to others reading, as I found great comfort in similar stories. My boyfriend of 6 months dumped me last month as he felt under pressure as I kept “going on about” having kids. I blame this on the fact I’m 37 and panicking! He was probably right that I was in the wrong, which made it harder for me to accept that I’d lost him through my own mistake. For the 1st couple of days, I sent him so many texts begging him to give me another chance, that I messed things up even more and he said he didn’t even want to be friends as I was doing his head in. The next few days were hell. I didn’t eat or sleep and couldn’t even vent to my friends as I’d been the one in the wrong and we have mutual friends. So I hid myself away and cried endlessly. I started reading about the no contact rule and thought I’d give it a go, though it was really hard not to text him. After a couple of days he started to send me matey type texts ending with a smiley face, just asking if I was ok. I broke the no contact rule, but only to briefly reply saying “Yeah, I’m fine :-)” Anyway, to my astonishment, after only 2 weeks, he wanted to come round to see me and talk about getting back together and we’re now taking it slow but very much in love. I think it’s just what I needed to make me realise what I could lose if I don’t give him space. Anyway girls, don’t give up, it’s hard, but if you are patient and he loves you, he will come back. Thank you for all your amazing stories of hope. Sarah xx
Caroline

April 15, 2014 at 3:04 pm

Hi Chris! I think u already know my story 🙂 My boyfriend of 1 year broke up (it was a serious relationship and we were planning to get engaged) with me in June 2013. I begged him non-stop to take me back for 1 month. Then since it didn’t work and that I read ur articles 🙂 I decided to no-contact him. In October (that is 2 months since I last talked to him), I saw him on the street and he rushed to say hi but then I insulted him with some messages (but I also said sorry and how much I love him with some other messages. I know I’m crazy)because I discovered from facebook that he went to the movies with a friend. Since then, we do not talk to each other and I haven’t seen him anymore. Do u think he would come back? Please help me!! Thank you 🙂
A hypothetical question

April 15, 2014 at 9:23 am

Just a hypothetical question.
What if the breakup was premature? For example the two people didn’t really want to split, one(or both) of them only said it to test the other. I know that sounds childish, but I bet some people do that. In that scenario, wouldn’t it be better if one person just be the mature one and apologize right away? NCR only seems to add unnecessary drama to the situation. If they both decide to hold out until the other cracks, wouldn’t the situation be a deadlock? They could’ve made up the next day. But with NCR they have to wait a month.
But overall, NCR is a legitimate.

A hypothetical question

April 15, 2014 at 9:32 am

It might turn into a real breakup by the end.

Linds

April 15, 2014 at 6:31 am

I’m less than a week into the no contact period. My ex broke up with me and said he wants to be friends but to give him time before we talk again.The only social media I have is instagram and I unfollowed him so I wouldn’t see his posts.He is still following me though.Should I block him?Does it matter if he sees or likes my posts as long as I don’t see his?

admin

April 15, 2014 at 4:19 pm

Just finish out the NC period.

Jane

April 14, 2014 at 6:53 pm

My ex boyfriend broke up with me back in June 2012 while he was out of the country for half a year. He broke things off with me because he said that he didn’t want to be involved in a relationship with anyone and that he needed to take the time to find himself and build a life for himself. He told me that he still loved me and still had feelings for me but wanted to be friends for now until he could figure things out in his life. So I made the mistake of being friends with him, spending time with him and hanging out. For the past couple of months I thought things were going great between him and I. We were getting along, we weren’t arguing and fighting, and we were spending more and more time together. I thought things were moving in the right direction and things were finally starting to look up for me. I did try the “no contact rule” for a few weeks and it worked, or at least I had thought it did. I ignored every attempt at communication from him until he decided to show up to my house because he missed me and wanted to talk. He ended up pouring out his heart to me, tell me that he still loved me, that he was still “in love” with me, that he missed me, and that he wanted to spend time together. As time went on after that, we started acting more and more like boyfriend and girlfriend. Like previously stated, we had been getting along really great and he started including me in more things in his life. If I ever brought up the relationship talk, he would tell me that he wasn’t ready and that he still was trying to figure his life out and that it wouldn’t be fair to me to drag me through finding himself. Last night, he pulled me aside and sat me down and decided to tell me that even though we have been acting like we are boyfriend and girlfriend, that he doesn’t want that anymore. He told me that his feelings have changed for me and that he is no longer in love with me anymore. He told me that I am still the most beautiful girl in the world to him and that I am truly an amazing and awesome person and his best friend, but he just doesn’t have the same feelings for me that he once had. He told me that he doesn’t foresee himself being in a relationship with anyone for many, many years to come and that he is still trying to figure his life out and that he realizes that he has been very selfish towards me and that it is no longer fair to me that he can’t reciprocate his feelings. He told me that he loves me very much, but he just isn’t in love with me anymore.
So, I am lost, I am hurt, and I am confused. I know he has said similar things like this in the past to me, but only because we were arguing and fighting but last night was different, he had a calm demeanor and there was no tension or any negative emotions and feelings. Is the love really gone? Is it possible for us to rekindle again one day? Could his feelings grow for me again and could he fall in love with me again? Should I move on and let him go? Too many questions running through my mind so I am posting on here to try and get clarity and seek some advice. Thanks.

admin

April 15, 2014 at 4:12 pm

Ok, one question at a time. What do you want to know most?

Mink

April 14, 2014 at 1:07 pm

Hey,

Your website is very insightful! thanks for all the advice. I have not read anywhere what has to be done if its the ex’s birthday during NC? I am 26 days into no contact and its his birthday tomorrow. It was his idea to break a 4 1/2 year relationship.

admin

April 14, 2014 at 5:38 pm

You don’t contact him :/

Clary

April 14, 2014 at 8:13 am

– my ex boyfriend of four years broke up with me two months ago
– i’ve completed the 30 days NC on 11th april
– bumped into him couple of times during and after NC
– he was acting like he doesnt know me at all
I’m confused chris, since he blocked me on all social media and was holding resentment towards me after the break up, i dont know if i should inititate contact because i know i will probably not get any reply. He also seemed to be so much happier now.

Do you know why he’s treating me like a stranger every time we walked passed each other? Should i go up to him and say hi or should i pretend like i dont know him as well?
Ms. Unfortunate Situation

April 14, 2014 at 1:59 am

I left my husband a 14 years for his brother. His brother was also married to my best friend and had 3 kids with her ranging from 12 to 17. I have 2 kids with my husband ages 13 and 11. When we came out about our affair all 5 of our kids hated us along with our friends in the majority of our family. After two weeks he told me he loved me but it was too hard for him to be with me and that his kids would never talk to him again if he stayed. I did go totally psycho on him since I feel that I gave up my whole entire life for him and he changed his mind two weeks later. We did do the friends with benefits thing about 1 week after that and haven’t talked much since. I understand that this is a very sticky situation but obviously I love him a lot since I was willing to give up my entire life for him and I would assume he really loves me too since in the beginning he was willing to do the same thing. He trying to get his wife but I think he’s doing that because he thinks it’ll be easier if he’s with her and it all his friends and family will like him again. I on the other hand want to get back with him. Do you think this no contact rule thing going to work for me are you think maybe my situation is a little different? He is currently staying with his sister and all of his stuff is still at my house so I will see him on occasion but I told him not to show up unannounced. I also see him almost everyday when we pick her kids up from school and we do not talk there since we are the talk of the town in our kids really don’t wanna see us together right now. Any helpful advise would be appreciated, thank you so much!

admin

April 14, 2014 at 5:12 pm

Honestly… do you feel bad at all about the affair? I mean, there are kids involved here?
kay

May 8, 2014 at 5:37 pm

Wow! This is weird…

tami

April 14, 2014 at 12:47 am

CaN i make the first contact step after the 30days have passed? P.s. I hurt him alot without knowing that what i did was a big deal. I didnt cheat or anthing like that and i want him because i know i can fix and rebuild our relationship to be stronger than ever. So if u can text after what would be the best thing to say?

admin

April 14, 2014 at 5:31 pm

Yes you can.

angie

April 13, 2014 at 10:59 pm

My boyfriend and I were together for almost four years. We started dating when I was a sophomore in college and he was a junior. We moved in together after 2 years and had a great relationship. Unfortunately due to my visa I had to leave the country. We planned on doing the whole long distance relationship but we never really made any future plans. I was always willing to do anything to stay with him, even if it meant starting a masters degree in the same city just in order to be able to stay there. I was willing to move to another city for him. He said he wasn’t ready for such a big commitment, and I understand, we are only 22 and 23 and not ready to get married or anything, but I would have still done anything just to stay together. He always said if it was meant to be we would end up together, but we couldn’t force things to happen. So we decided to go with the whole long distance relationship and hoped for the best. 5 days after I left he called me crying and upset telling me that he had kissed another girl at a party. He said he was sorry and he regretted everything and that he would understand if I didn’t want to talk to him ever again. We broke up and I tried to convince myself that it was for the best because it wouldn’t make sense to begin a LDR with no near future. The problem is I am still in love with him, and want him back but now he is the one who doesn’t want to get back together. What can I do to get over him? It kills me seeing him hanging out with our friends, living in our apartment, moving on with his life while I’m stuck here back home hating my life. I felt like we never really had closure and it is killing me. How do I get over this? Should I try the NC rule?

admin

April 14, 2014 at 5:28 pm

Absolutely you should.

Sasha Jackson

April 13, 2014 at 2:56 am

I was doing so good with the NC I was on day 2 and enjoying it. I had ignored a few of his texts and was pushing forward. But he texted me again tonight and because of what he said my silly heart got the best of me and I responded. I have no idea how I’m going to be able to get through an entire 30 day period of NC. It’s harder than I imagined. Of course my main concern is that he will get mad at me and say some awful things because of it. I need more tips on how to successfully get through this NC period.

admin

April 13, 2014 at 4:57 pm

Take it one day at a time and make yourself as busy as possible.

Britt

April 12, 2014 at 9:29 pm

How do I get over him? He was my first love, I worshipped and trusted him with everything I had. Then he just threw it away on my “friend” who is a walking ****. I don’t think I ever want to trust anyone ever again.

admin

April 13, 2014 at 4:46 pm

https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-get-over-your-ex-boyfriend/

Linda

April 12, 2014 at 12:34 am

Me and my ex were going out for 26 months. We moved to university and things got quite hard and eventually we just deteriorated and broke up because we didn’t know how to handle the distance or communicating with each other.

I have been dealing with the break up really badly. I still love him and he still cares about me. We were in a somewhat emotionally abusive relationship and we didn’t have any help or realisation of what was going on. We broke up for a month and then he came to visit me for three days and everything was fine and perfect. He said he wanted to try again and he thought we were going to be great again and we acted like a couple and we were happy. However when he went back to university he changed his mind.

That was a month ago. Now we are both home from university and I went to drop off his stuff. We argued and cried and hugged then were intimate and then said goodbye. It didn’t seem to make sense. He says he needs to “heal” and that he can’t be around me and he doesn’t want this “now”. Yet sometimes he totally changes tone and says he never wants to speak to me again and he just wants to move on with his life and one day we’ll both be happy and everything will be okay. He says he just wants the best for me and wants me to be as safe and happy as I can be.

We have been on/off arguing since coming home from university and we haven’t been making progress, yet we have been in contact a lot. Now I have decided to give him what he wants and give him the space to “heal”. I think he still cares but I think he is scared of committing again because we are both hurting.

Am I crazy for wanting this relationship to work? Will he move on and find someone else by me giving him time to “heal” or is there a chance he will come back to me?
I am scared, I really did love this man and now I feel like he is in complete control of the situation so I decided not to email back but I am worried he will forget me and move on.
Please help, this is seriously getting me down!

admin

April 12, 2014 at 4:21 pm

26 months hahaha. You really have it down don’t you. I mean, you have the exact month total for me.

So, you two were long distance?

aya

April 11, 2014 at 10:34 pm

I lost my ex boyfriend..he said hes going to wait for me but fall inlove with somebody else..only 1month to go and we’re going to see each other again..i call him bec.hes not answering what om asking in fb..if he has gf..i ask him if he has gf already..he said no at first but admitted it eventually..he said he love her..and said we could b friends but i said no..im not gonna msg u anymore.i hope u two will b hapi..and before i cut d col i heard him said too much..what should i do?..but still i cnt believe its true that he love dat girl…
Emily

April 11, 2014 at 4:24 pm

My boyfriend broke up with me almost a month ago to my utter surprise, I knew we had problems, but I didn’t realize this bad. He was unhappy with our communication and my weight and our sex life becuase of the weight; because I kept saying I would change it, but I actually gained weight instead. He says that made him loose trust in my promises especially with the communication because he felt he tried harder to fix our problems then I did. I know he’s right on some levels, but there was a lot else going on too. I lost my job 4 mths into our lease, my friend moved into help with her 3 young kids into our 2 bdroom apt! That was so difficult and looking back, really stupid. It took me months to find another good job, which in the meantime both of them were begging me to just find any old job, which was hard bc I was the one who made all the money before and supported them. To say the least it has been stressful. I don’t know if it’s all over because we just “don’t work” as he says, or because maybe we just ran our of patience and time and grew apart with life and with each other. When we started dating, we were best friends and in college together, but I graduated 2 years ago and he’s still going and kept changing majors… I always felt we were off track because of that. Then add an awkward roommate situation we took on to pay bills… he says it just sped up what would have happen, but I feel different. Hes very logical and looks at things with little emotion when making hard decisions, and now he’s “shut his emotions off” because so busy with school and work and moving out (still in process of that, so living together still).. and i’m going crazy with them all the time!!! And we both would like to at least be friends because we were before.. but also for me because I think this feels wrong to quit after 4 years.
I have done a lot of talking to him to the point that he says he can’t handle the emotional stuff anymore, that he if I even bring up the past, he goes quiet. I can’t help it, he was my rock, my confidant, idk what to do!
I know I’ve talked too much to him and any space I give him now, he will gladly take. Lately he has been trying to be there for me, which has been sweet, but only as friends and because he says it harder for me because i wasn’t prepared as him.. he had been debating for weeks when to talk to me! It feels like he just turned it off while i still wait for my kisses. I just want to know he still cares, which he says he still loves me and cares, but he has to move on. I just want to know he thinks abt all the things we are losing and will miss and i want him to realize they are still worth fighting for.
I did find out he cheated 6 mnths ago, but not until a week ago (broken up almost month now).. and he never told me bc he regretted it so much, he was just unhappy with our sex life (again i’m overweight and mind.. he is not, he loves working out) and didn’t want to hurt me after he thought abt what he had done. He never did it again. I don’t know if i can forgive him yet, but at this point its not like i can punish him.. and all i see is that i wish i knew then bc i just didn’t realize how bad it all was from his perspective. I thought we had time to work on us still since life had gotten so crazy. I would like at least the chance to work it out, but its so complicated.. i just know I still love him…
He won’t ask my forgiveness for cheating bc he says he doesn’t deserve it. And I just still love him.. i cant shake that.
Also how do you do it when we still have some bills and accounts together and will take months to end? Is it too late? Have I done too much damage to make this program work like the NC rule? I think we have something real and there is a lot going on, but I want to try!

admin

April 12, 2014 at 4:02 pm

Well, luckily you can work to lose the weight.

I guess I just want to ask you if you really want him back if he cheated on you?

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6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”