The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Emily

January 15, 2016 at 8:35 pm

My ex finished with me after three months because of his life issues. His grandad is dying and constantly in and out of hospital. My ex had also suffered with depression not so long before he met me and doesn’t deal with things very well. He said he needs time to ‘sort his life out’ and can’t commit to me properly right now.

For the whole of the relationship he was completely obsessed with me. Said that his feelings were constantly growing stronger and stronger, that I was his dream girl and that his feelings had gone past the liking stage. When he ended things with me he said he meant everything he said to me. But wouldn’t properly give me any answers to why he was acting distant and exactly what was going on with his grandad.

I tried to prevent the break up and told him that I was in love with him, however this seemed to push him away. I kept in contact with him for two weeks. Some communication was pleasant and normal conversation about what we’d been up to., but when I tried to question him about the relationship and what was going on with him he’d either ignore me or respond sounding annoyed. I have now been in NC for a week and not heard anything. What do you think my chances are of getting back with him if I follow it through to 30 days?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 16, 2016 at 8:00 am

Hi Emily,

We can’t guarantee a 100% of course. But NC helps in increasing the chances. In your case, it seems he really the space. He’s dealing with a loved one dying and I think for now what he needs is support and less pressure. Maybe because of his sadness for his granddad, he’s having a hard time maintaining a relationship.

LYDIA

January 15, 2016 at 5:03 am

Hi Chris-
I broke up with my boyfriend following14 months of being in a relationship. 8 months of our relationship was long distance as I’d moved to another state to care for my mom. After 8 months I moved back to the state he lived in and we met for the first time physically and I moved in with him. It was pretty good at first then we started breaking up and making up most times initiated by me. This last time he initiated and said we’re never on the same page and that we aren’t compatible. he stated he spoke to a friend of his that told him to get out of the relationship because I have to many problems. He said he still loved me and that he wanted to remain friends. So I moved out on New Years eve and I haven’t seen him since. I did text him 2 days later to tell him I loved him and he texted me back and said he doesn’t want a relationship with me anymore and he just wanted to move on and find his peace. I just told him I loved him and stopped stopped texting him. I haven’t tried any contact with him since because that really hurt me. despite our ups and downs I’ve always loved him I thought of him as my soul mate and I know he loved me too. Is he really over it and I should just move on? I love him and I want to be with him but I am realistic too… In my heart I don’t feel like its over I feel like he’s my person. Should I just give it some time or just move on?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 15, 2016 at 12:30 pm

HI Lydia,

Thanks for being open with how you feel and being brave about admitting them. Have you tried the no contact rule? It can help clear both of you negative feelings towards the situation and remember the good times. You can use that to collect memories and use the memories to start over again after NC period. You’ll know when it’s time to move on. But if you’re gut tells you try again, why not try again after taking NC break?

Jenny

January 15, 2016 at 12:39 am

Hi Chris,

First off, I LOVE your site. It’s been very helpful 🙂

With that being said, I still have a lingering question….

My boyfriend and I broke up 11 days ago and we have talked here and there. Nothing exciting and I’m the one that text him first. He responds warmly and that’s about it. I didn’t want the break up and we both agreed to be friends. He sends me mixed signals that shows he doesn’t know what he wants. One minute he tells me he’s in love with me and wants us to work again in the future, next minute he tells me I should do what I need to so I can move on.

Anyways, I could handle him telling me we need to break up and never look back, even if it may sting! But he leaves a little hope by telling me we need space to think about things and he also needs to collect his thoughts. I know he has a lot of personal and work issues going on at the moment, our fighting definitely isn’t helping.

The thing that I have the largest issue about is, we still have plans to attend the Super Bowl in February. He told me that he still wants us to go together. I thought he should take someone else if we’re not together but he insists we should stick to the plan.

I just want to know WHY! He could take a friend, family member, or throw a rock and hit a girl that would most likely go with him, so why me? Why me if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? I know he’s a man of his word so I doubt he’d cancel but I’m sitting here hurting over the breakup and wondering if he’s going to cancel plans. I’m doing my best at the No Contact rule but this state of not knowing where we stand is killing me. Should I reach out and ask him about our plans? Or do I need to wait for him to tell me?

ugh… so annoying!

Thank you for your time!

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 15, 2016 at 4:18 pm

Hi Jenny,

That’s very strong of you to accept it in case the break up is sealed. I’m a little confused though. How long are you in the NC period? Did he tell you he needs space before that? If so, then just continue with completing the NC period. but if you’re still talking to him from time to time, why not just clear what’s bothering you in a nice way. If he’s being a gentleman by keeping his word, thank him for it but let him know nicely that it makes you feel uncomfortable. If you’re in total NC, finish the NC then try to reach out and see how he reacts to your texts. If he’s still sending mixed signals then raise your concern with the Superbowl event. If not then he’s all for starting over again, then enjoy it as a date! 🙂

Karrie

January 14, 2016 at 10:01 pm

After 3 years of constant togetherness we’re taking a break. We’ve tried this before and are always back together within days. The NC rule has to be followed so we both know what we want and can get over past hurts and move forward (together). The NC has only been for a week and already I am missing him terribly. My question is – what is you advice for that initial contact. Is there a ‘rule’ as to who initiates it? I feel like the one who set the NC rules should. Then, how? What kind of first date works best?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 15, 2016 at 7:27 pm

Hi Karrie!,

From what you wrote, it seems you didn’t really “broke up”. Correct me if I’m wrong, Is it an agreement with the both of you that need a break and then you’ll get back together eventually?

Liz

January 14, 2016 at 4:51 pm

Help. I understand the no contact rule but I have a problem. I am moving back to our house and so is he in about 3 weeks! We were together for 2 years when the distance broke us up. I did all the wrong things. Convincing, lowering my value, I am sure you can imagine. He got distant and withdrew saying he wasn’t sure about us. Nothing new from your book!

Anyway …. Before no contact we agreed to still house share together, for financial reasons and be adult about things, but I am not sure how to navigate contact regarding my return back home, and still not speak to him?

Should I do the same as people who work with each other ie be polite over the moving in arrangements or just maintain the maximum no contact? So have no contact for as long as is practical? He text and phoned after 3 days and I haven’t replied, but I don’t know what to do if he contacts me about the move. I am working on me and can stay distracted but don’t want to create a problem for myself. Help

Liz

January 17, 2016 at 5:27 pm

Ok, took your comments onboard and arranged for him to stay at his moms. Meant I had to break NC and he wants to help me settle into the house with all the lifting etc. So I guess I have to restart NC then? I will keep contact to a minimum until I can do NC?
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 18, 2016 at 9:46 pm

I don’t think you have to restart Nc as long you’re just doing what you need to do when you see him
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 16, 2016 at 5:07 am

Hi Liz,

Okay, honestly you have a hard situation here. It’s different when you’re co-workers than you’re housemates(and only two of you are in the house.) When you’re at work, you have work and co-workers to keep you busy. You’re home is a personal space. It gets more personal if only the two of you are living in it.

Do you know anybody else that needs a share in the rent instead?

We’re emotional creatures; yes, we have logic too but be honest to yourself, being adult means preventing yourself from things that you know can harm you or you don’t have control of. It’s hard to maintain distance with somebody when you wake, sleep and eat with them. The home is supposed to be your haven. If you’re avoiding somebody in it, it can cause more emotional stress for the both of you. If there is really not solution to this, it would freak him out when you’re avoiding him right in front of his face. It might seem rude too. So, think about it. Honestly my two cents is either you find another place or have a sincere talk with him that you’re going to limit speaking to each other to avoid saying hurtful things or just because you”re not ready to talk yet. Whatever way you think is best to keep the respect between you and make him understand why you’re choosing to detach for a while.

TRACY

January 14, 2016 at 5:22 am

My ex and I broke up back in November after a little over a 3 year relationship. Long story short, we weren’t happy seperately which made the relationship difficult to be happy together. I became really depressed after I was raped and while he was a great supportive boyfriend for me, I hadn’t really recovered from that and I was always sad. He became very stressed with school and finding a job, and felt very unhappy with himself given that the relationship wasn’t in the happiest state that it used to be in. So he broke up with me in attempt to soul search and we have been talking ever since but I’m considering the NC rule. Only concern is that he has expressed that he is so unhappy right now that he cannot imagine trying the relationship again simply because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and after a while of dealing with a depressed girlfriend and feeling sad himself, he lost his feelings for me.

My question is, will the NC rule work even after we have been talking after the break up and given the complicated situation we faced? Certainly the relationship was happy and healthy outside of the past year and we still have many happy and empowering memories, but those feel distant now.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 19, 2016 at 10:04 am

Hi Tracy
I’m very sorry for what had happened to you. I think you need professional help with that. You deserve to get your life back. If you’re still talking to him, had it been positive lately? But one of the most important things is, getting your self esteem back because even if I tell you to be supportive for him, I know it’s going to be hard knowing your going into depression yourself. One thing about that though, is maybe you can do this together. Go to a therapist together , even if as just friends who are going through the same road now

SARA

January 14, 2016 at 4:10 am

hi Chris,amazing stuff thanks,i met a great gut few weeks back and we went on 2 dates which went amazing,he’s been out of a 8 yr old relationship recently and reason they broke up is his ex has been clingy and needy and not very supportive of his esp circumstances,we both agreed to start on not very serious terms,maybe see each other casually and see where things take us.things were going great and we were actually planning to go out on a 3rd date,when he out of the blue texted me saying he thinks we aren’t very compatible and he doesn’t want to lead me on and best to leave it there.i admit that i got bit too excited before this for a short while,and might have led him up to think i have nothing better to do than wait/go out with him.i answered to his text reasonably saying i’m very strong and independent and obviously i’ve given you the wrong impression of being “Clingy”!but it’s all your call.he’s a very honest and genuine guy and we both were equally interested in eachother. it’s been 11 days with nc from either side.i understand he’s still hurt from his previous relationship and will take time for him to trust me.i just hope things work out as i truly believe we’ll make a great couple together.i’m over the emotional phase and i’m very calm,ready to go through the 30 days or even more,as much as it takes,in fact,i merely want HIM to get back to me,i’ll never go back to him as he made a very rough and unfair judgment of me.pretty positive things will work out:)thank again for your useful materials,

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 16, 2016 at 8:30 am

HI Sara,

Don’t assume that you’re the reason why he suddenly changed his mind because we don’t know that. It doesn’t mean he also found with you the same reason he broke up with his ex. If he’s taking time to go over his ex before entering a relationship with you, then he is a good guy. It’s good that you’re stronger. I hope you find more happiness and him to work things out.

Calogeno

January 14, 2016 at 2:20 am

Hello Chris,
My girlfriend of 5 yrs is having doubts about our relationship. She’s indecisive of whether she wants to be with me or not. She said she loves but our back and forth constant arguing is too much. I do love her. I do say horrible things to her when I’m upset. I kicked her out a week ago because I found out she cheated. I’ve been calling and texting try to meet with her to have a conversation to see if our relationship is worth saving. We hung out last Sunday. We had a great time. I asked her when can I see her again and she said I don’t know. I havent seen her since that day. Was that a mistake seeing her too soon? She says she need time to think a lot is going on in her head. She tells me on the phone maybe we shouldn’t be together that We have a lot of issues. Then today she tries to see me. I love her but don’t want to feel like I’m being played or a backup plan. So I didn’t see her or contact her at all. She’s been texting and calling all day. Should I do the 30 day NC so she can figure out what she whats?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 15, 2016 at 8:15 pm

Hi Calogeno,

Thank you for sharing and wanting our advice. For me, it wasn’t a mistake. It was trying to work things out. Plus, you probably had a great time because you focused more on having fun rather than talking about what the problem is and what to sort out. But be careful with that, coz’ it’s good if it’s just to get comfortable with each other but bad if you’re trying to put aside the issue entirely. It’s also good you’re still on your toes that you’re not her back up plan and that you also acknowledge that she needs some time of her own to figure things out. So, yes go on with the NC rule. It’s not just for her but for you too.

susan

January 13, 2016 at 6:54 pm

It’s been about one month now since my ex and I have been seeing each other for the last time. Originally he broke up with me a few weeks earlier and I moved back with my parents, to the other end of the country. I had to get back though because I have a new job in the new city we moved to however I stayed with a friend. In this first week after the initial break up we met each other and decided we would try again, but I was so hurt that I made some bad mistakes making bad reproaches and stuff, so he broke up with me on the phone when I was back home for christmas after a nasty fight. Since then time has passed and I have made some of the typical mistakes like begging and stuff I should not have done. I tried to stop contacting him but of course was weak and needy..so I started research on how to find a strategy to get him back. I’ve read a lot of advice so far and feel like one point our relationship failed was my insecurity on which I am really working and so far I am doing quite well. I haven’t had contact with my ex since then except for the time when I had to get my stuff out of the flat because I asked him not to be there. I didn’t want to stand there all messed up and crying and somehow I wanted to leave the life we had behind that caused both of us so many tears. It’s not that it’s him I don’t want anymore..it’s the relationship we had and the mistakes we made that I want to leave behind. Anyway…does the time when I contacted him because of my stuff count into the NC period or should I start the NC after I have gotten back all my stuff (which will eventually tike some time because I haven’t found a new flat yet and I’m staying with friends). He’s always polite and I am too but he also said really hurtful things like he doesn’t love me anymore and he feels so relieved that it’s over he didn’t even miss me for a second. Is there any chance this is going to work out?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 16, 2016 at 10:14 am

HI Susan,

That’s one of the situations where you can’t help but talk to your ex of course. I don’t think you have to start over because you only talked about the things you need to get. It might be a different scenario if you also talked about the status of your relationship. It’s very brave of you to ask him to leave while you’re there and resist the urge of seeing him and talking to him. Of course the a chance, it may not 100% but there is.

Sarah

January 13, 2016 at 3:49 am

Hi Chris, I dated this guy for 2 months. He was the most affectionate guy ever, until 3 days ago, first he said he wanted us to become friends because we never got to know each other, and because we never clicked. I didn’t want to be friends so I ended it (or he did) when I met him and cried for over an hour while I’m with him (I hope that didn’t make me look weak). I started the NC yesterday. If he texts me during the NC, do I not text him at all ? Or a few hours/days after ? Thank you

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 13, 2016 at 9:14 pm

Hi I am with the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Team and am here to help you.

You are right. You are supposed to ignore him if he texts you. However, Chris is working on an ebook right now specifically about the no contact rule where he changes his tune. There are 5 exceptions where you are allowed to break NC early and one of them is if he contacts you FREQUENTLY during no contact in a positive manner. But this has to happen more than once.

Heather Brown

January 12, 2016 at 9:10 pm

Hi Chris
I hope to receive your advice on this. My ex is Mr Stubborn as well as Mr. Angry – stubborn over anger. He likes to claim he is the boss.
My relationship has been an off-on and off-on type for a year as it has been LDR (2 year relationship). The previous year was fun and good with a few arguments. Since the LDR took place the arguments and bickering were on another level.
My ex bf has ended the relationship with me many times and I admit I have done the mistake of begging him back etc. I have also tried out the NC Rule in the last 2 break ups but gave in after 14 days when he got in touch with me. (All break ups were by him – he is also a very stubborn guy and has a lot of anger).
This time round once again he ended it with me and I could sense some anger in him – he also asked to remain friends as he didn’t want to lose me completely – I refused the friends zone and eventually said goodbye to him.
I am now on the 5th day of NC Rule and I am being strong to complete the 30 days. The only difference this time round I deleted him off my fb – something I have not done before – he can still see my profile but no longer friends. Have I jeopardised trying to get him back by doing that? Normal number of days till he would attempt to contact me is between 12-14 days of NC.
I fear I will not be able to get him back but I know deep down he cares about me a lot and loves me. I will be adamant to complete the 30 days NC and during this time I have been keeping myself busy and clearing my mind and bettering myself.
I hope to hear from you.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 16, 2016 at 11:17 am

Hi Heather Brown,

Kudos on being firm to complete the 30 day NC period. I think this can help to answer to answer your qeustion.The Male Mind During the No Contact Rule

Sara

January 11, 2016 at 2:33 am

Hello,
I’ve recently changed my contact number, should I send my ex my new number or wait until the no contact period is over? It’s been over 2 weeks of no contact.

Thank you.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 16, 2016 at 11:48 am

HI Sara,

You should wait til the contact period is over.

Nicole

January 11, 2016 at 1:54 am

what if you work together?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 17, 2016 at 9:34 am

Hi Nicole,

Here’s one about that. The no contact rule if you work with your ex
And another one:
What to do if you work with your ex

Rachel

January 10, 2016 at 9:28 pm

I broke up with my ex bf in Nov during an argument on my bday. I thought he had said something inappropriate at my work drinks and instead of having a conversation about it with me he ignored me. I overreacted and broke up with him. 2 days later I asked to get back with him and work things out-he said no. He said he can’t commit and thinks we’re better off as friends. I spoke to him 2 weeks later about returning his stuff. Then 2 weeks after that I spoke to him and asked to get back together. He said he wanted time to think about it. We continued texting everyday. 3 weeks later i asked for his decision and again he said that he thought we were better off as friends and continuing texting everyday. I got really mad and felt like he had led me on and wasted my time. I said some mean things and told him never to speak to me again. He didn’t reply and deleted me off all social media. I sent a text apologising and said i didnt mean what i had said. He said he had enough and that ive told him many times to leave him alone so thats what hes going to do. I again apologised and he did not reply. I want him back but he’s been so calm and nonchalent during the whole break up. Should i start nc and then message him? I feel like i’ve been quite pathetic and beggish.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 18, 2016 at 11:23 am

Hi Rachel
if you feel like that with yourself, then use no contact to regain your self esteem before talking to him again
Rachel

January 10, 2016 at 9:37 pm

30 days of nc would led to his birthday. So if i were to text him it would be a bday wish?
EBR Team Member: Amor

January 17, 2016 at 10:17 am

Hi Rachel,

It’s a good occasion to text! If the text is funny and not too serious, why not?

Fingers crossed

January 5, 2016 at 2:26 pm

I am currently in the process of no contact with my ex we broke up about about 2 weeks ago and i still see him as we teach a class together at the gym we attend. I have read the information on this and so haven’t been talking more than needed and looking happy and chatting to others, being polite etc.
Every time i look round the room during a class he is looking at me. We had one text conversation so it wouldn’t be awkward and he did engage and tell me something he had done that day. He is currently hasn’t unsubscribed from my email newsletter i run were i work also. When we are involved in classes its like hes trying to impress me by putting loads of effort in and looking to see if i’m checking him out. Obviously i’m not looking at him but i can see from the corner of my eye him looking at me.
What do you think my chances are of getting him back if i keep on going like this. Being polite but not looking at him or messaging him etc. He is quite easily influenced by others so if he thought someone was judging him or didn’t agree with his choice he might be reluctant.

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 18, 2016 at 11:30 am

hi fingers crossed,
i think you have good chance since it seems like he’s interested

Natalia Koledina

January 4, 2016 at 8:28 pm

Will i get a email, when you will answer?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 18, 2016 at 11:37 pm

Hi Natalia

sorry for the late reply.
I think you two are going in circles. Breaking up and then getting back together eventually after a short period of time. If you can talk about this clearly then better. If not, do the no contact rule so you can be firm with what you want.

Natalia Koledina

January 4, 2016 at 7:49 pm

Hi, I find that the idea of the the 30 days No Contact is very usefull, but i have one question though..
I’ve been dating with my boyfriend for a year and a few months. We broke up, but it was more like breaks for each other, and while those breaks I did some mistakes. I didn’t sleep with any other guy, no. But I had some intimate moments with others. Just making out.
I let my boyfriend know of what I did. He got mad but got over it.
Last month he lost both of his grandfathers. He was devastated and so was I.
I am a very empathic person, and i was there for him.
After the funerals we started having countless fights.
He said he needed a break.
During the break he was cold, ignoring me & it was during the holidays. I was very hurt and he was very sorry for hurting me like this.
We met up and we got into another fight and he called me a cheater. He said he wanted it to be done.
When he was leaving he said “its not a goodbye”

The day after new year, i came over to his place, he huged & kissed me and we made a promise that we will take space but keep in contact. Fix ourselves and come back to each other.

A day after he wrote to me that he couldnt do it, he was too hurt. That it was over.
Since i was begging, i was texting him.( i figured that was a big mistake) And i still saw he cares, i know he loves me so much.

But i also know that the reason of the break up is that hes is lost and afraid, it is not only the reson of me cheating.
I was at the hospital last night, but he still worried and asked abt me, this morning i said to myself i will start the challenge.
I let him know i was fine and that i loved him. Since he messaged me once asking a question and i didnt answer.
My birthday is coming up soon, and i know that he will come writing to me. ( plus we are in school toguether) This is why i want to ask, if i do the no contact challenge( no talking, no ansering, smile at him at thr hallway ) can i stop doing it if i see that after one or 2 weeks he is willing to get back? Thank you 🙂
Dazed and Confused

January 3, 2016 at 3:31 pm

If you were only dating for a month does the 30 day timeframe still hold true?

EBR Team Member: Amor

January 17, 2016 at 9:58 am

Hi Dazed and cofused,
The shortest is actually 21 days but it depends on how things are with the two of you too.

Tracy

January 1, 2016 at 5:02 pm

What if we’re colleagues with offices on the same floor? And with lots of mutual friends? And we were best friends before? What do I do now?

Chris Seiter

January 16, 2016 at 11:28 pm

Well, then you have to make some alterations to the no contact rule.

Don’t worry, I am writing a new book that covers all of these situations.

Tina

December 30, 2015 at 10:00 am

What happens after you pass the 30 day No Contact Rule? What’s next?

Chris Seiter

January 16, 2016 at 11:12 pm

Well, typically that’s when you start part two of the process.

Texting.

I like to explain it like a value chain.

No Contact (leads to) Texting (leads to) Phone Calls (leads to) Date (leads to) Recovery

That’s the basic method that I teach.

Notice how you slowly but surely advance.

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6,803 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”