The No Contact Rule: A Powerful Strategy That Works On Your Ex

6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”

Meryam

April 14, 2020 at 3:32 pm

What if my ex doesn’t reach out to me at all?
And if the relationship was long distance?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 14, 2020 at 8:57 pm

Hi Meryam, after you have completed your No Contact period you are supposed to reach out to them with a text like Chris suggests, you can read texting articles or watch his videos to help you create a first text idea

Cheryl Duarte

April 14, 2020 at 3:22 pm

What about the no contact rule and during that time he moved back in with his ex-girlfriend?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 14, 2020 at 9:00 pm

Hi Cheryl, still follow NC rule and go to 45 days NC and then reach out doing the being there method

Victoria

April 13, 2020 at 3:38 pm

My ex and I have been apart for almost 10 months now. He’s currently in a relationship still with the girl that he left me for. Our last text exchange was four months ago and it wasn’t good. I’d love to buy this whole thing and try it out, but I’m starting to wonder if it’s already too late. My no contact may have been for too long. (Not for lack of trying to break it…)

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 14, 2020 at 10:05 pm

Hi Victoria, have you done any work on your Holy Trinity or the Ungettable girl information? You would need to reach about the being there method too.

Ash

April 12, 2020 at 11:21 am

My bf and I have been broke up for about a week and I have start the nc rule since the week. We were arguing a lot and he said the least we could do was give eachother space to see what we really wanted. He texted me at 2am because my guess he’s at a friends house he goes to and has been drinking and I never told him that I have made out with one of the roommates in the past just as a rebound. He texted me upset that I never told him that I hooked up with this guy while we were together and he was going over there to hangout. He then deleted all our pictures from his Instagram. He’s upset. I’m afraid he thinks I had with him but all we did was make out a couple times a a rebound from my last ex. Do I still do NC? I feel like I should be able to defend myself and respond??

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 17, 2020 at 10:07 pm

Hi Ash not at the moment no, as he is angry and upset he will not listen to what you have to say. Stick to NC and then when the time is right you will be able to have this conversation, much much further down the line

Sarah

April 11, 2020 at 3:48 pm

Hi. My boyfriend didn’t break up with me, he still has status as “in a relationship,” but after a big fight last week he said he needed time to think. I gave him a week and asked how he was doing. He said “I still need more time, I am sorry. I am tired of all the fighting. You say we won’t fight then we do. I totally understand if you can’t wait for me.” How can I save this relationship, he is totally worth waiting for and I realize a lot of the fights were my fault. I am working on me and being a strong loving me no matter what happens. Should I do no contact for 30 days? Thanks, Sarah

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 13, 2020 at 12:41 am

Hi Sarah, you just give him time, show him you are not going to fight, you can only do so much waiting but I would give him a couple of weeks before take it as he is done. If you are arguing constantly then you need to accept that he needs a break from the negative feelings he has towards you

sarah

April 9, 2020 at 9:55 pm

my boyfriend said he needed space a week ago, I tried to contact him today and he said he wasn’t ready. I am worried he is talking to someone else. he said if I needed to move on he would understand, but he is sorry and really hurt from our last fight. I feel so confused.. why doesn’t he just break up? should I do NC

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 11, 2020 at 11:05 pm

Hi Sarah, if he is telling you he is just upset from a fight you had then I would allow him time and just follow the rules of LNC and focus on yourself where you spend time with friends if you are allowed in (unsure if your country will be in lockdown right now) And make sure that you are positive and not doing any dramatic posts on social media

Edith

April 9, 2020 at 2:47 am

My boyfriend and I were together for 4 years before breaking up 2.5 weeks ago. We were long distance for 3.5 of those years while I did an internship and a master’s program. In December I moved to his city as my degree program was winding down (just working on thesis revisions and prepping for the defense) we lived together about 3 months before he broke up with me on 3/16, about 9 hours after I defended my thesis. We talked over everything that went wrong and did lots of hugging (don’t worry no sex) for a few days before I decided to fly home and visit my mom and sister without a specific return date. Suffice to say I still love him and want him to change his mind (thinks we need to work on ourselves separately but that someday we can come back together as best friends or more). The fact that we live together but Im not there means there had to be some contact related to paying bills and mail. My cat is also there and he agreed to help me Skype my cat. I definitely broke down and communicated outside of the necessary boundaries twice. Today during the Skype with my cat I told him I was cutting contact so wouldn’t be setting up another Skype date with my cat; that we couldn’t be a part of each other’s lives. I made this decision during the Skype call because it was too painful for me to see him living his life/talking to me like nothing had changed and I knew I needed space if I was going to heal. Because of covid I can’t full move out. I’m intending to do NC to reset myself and see if we can fix us down the road. I’m not sure if I can even have any hope of it working at this point tho since it took me so long to get to NC mode and since we did talk about emotional topics/each wrote closure letters right after the break up. I know you are probably hating me a little bit for making all the mistakes you hate before I even got here, but any comments or advice would be welcome.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 20, 2020 at 3:17 pm

HI Edith no hate! People make mistakes and deal with things in different ways. Now you are here you can follow the rules of NC apart from bills and moving out etc. But I would be sure to keep that to a minimal. It sounds like you understand what it is you need to do during NC too

Jessica

April 7, 2020 at 3:35 pm

Hey Chris, my name is jessica. My situation is a little crazy and I’m completely lost! My ex and I were and lived together for two years, i moved seven hours away mind you we were supposed to move together. He is an alcoholic and constantly lies. We both went separate ways. He contacted me after a month and visited me for a week. He’s likes to control and is jealous always accusing me of cheating. I know he’s been talking to other girls so I knew we weren’t ready yet because he kept asking me about guys. He also stated that now that he had me, he was never letting me go again I was his air and heartbeat. He went back home to start packing and to get his vehicle working so he could move back down here with me within the next 2 weeks. Once he was back around his friends and family, he became distant and cold. Still telling me how much he loves me etc. I stopped messaging him texted me five days later asking me if he still had a chance I told him I didn’t trust him and he needed to act right! again he did the same thing! I feel like he keeps me on a back burner, so now I stopped talking to him it’s been four days. I’m very much in love with him. do you Think the no contact is going to work for me if I completely stop answering him? Or did I mess it up really bad ? am I too late?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

April 12, 2020 at 9:50 pm

Hi Jessica, I think No contact will work for you, but I don’t think your ex is going to truly change, not unless he seeks professional help where he gets help with the alcoholism and then hopefully this would shop him talking to the other girls, but this is a situation where I would be tempted to question if you want to go back, he is insecure, he is jealous and controlling this does not sound like a good person to be in a relationship with. Complete 45 days NC and see how you feel near the end, while also dating casually

Amber lee

March 22, 2020 at 6:27 pm

Hello me and my ex been together for 5 years, we recently just broke up like 3 days ago, we had a good relationship but I will be honest I did not trust him due to our past and the things he’s done in the past, I felt it was hard to let go of the past so I finally ended things, & now I’m kind of regretting it he has blocked my number & now I feel I’m the bad person and I was the one who was in the wrong, I did blow his phone up the day of the break up and the day after and he blocked me right after , so I am currently on day 2 of NC I haven’t not tried to reach out to see if I’m unblocked ! My question is do you think doing this NC I will have a good chance at getting him back?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 23, 2020 at 11:11 pm

Hi Amber, do not reach out just stick to your NC until you get to complete that part of the process with out having to re start

Sharma

March 14, 2020 at 3:23 pm

Hey chris.
Md nd my ex broke up yesterday.we were in off/on again relation for 6 months..though we both equally loved each other but the fact was his past relationship before me was a successful one but mine on the other hand was a horrible one..do I could never give him my 100 percent.. though I extremely loved him still I doubt I used to doubt him alot..I hide my real past experience from him as those were really horrible that I never wanted to remember them.one day i told him the truth by being honest and by explaining him that it’s not my fault my past pain have made me like this that’s why i always fight with him on little things because I feared that he too will hurt me..but he didnt trust my story and said that I hurted him by lying to him..it took dangerous turn..he started making me feel.guilty nd abusing me..he said he never wants to get back with me .I begged and gave proofs nut all went in vain..he decided to breakup with me..nd asked me to find someone else..what should I do now is it really over??

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 23, 2020 at 11:51 pm

Hi Sharma, so as your relationship is on and off again I would say that it is likely that you will get back together. But what you want to achieve is a relationship that is going to last. Make sure that you work on yourself and your flaws in a relationship and stick to a no contact of at least 30 days. Then reach out and follow the value chain so that you can give you and your ex time to improve on yourselves to make the relationship if you are going to get back together again

Working on NC

March 12, 2020 at 6:06 pm

Hi Chris,

So far the NC rule has been going pretty well for me. My ex hasn’t contacted me but I’ve been feeling a lot better. A few days ago I viewed my ex’s facebook story. I was wondering if this broke the NC rule (since my ex can see that I saw it) and if I need to start over again. Thank you!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 12, 2020 at 11:21 pm

Hey there so was the view by accident or on purpose? If you viewed just the one then you can continue, but do not watch any more going forward

Lucy Holbrook

March 11, 2020 at 4:04 pm

Hi,

My husband and I have been arguing on and off With issues we’ve had for many years. We have been together 13 years. On Monday he told me he needed a break and was going to stay with his mum. He said he couldn’t make me any promises and he didn’t know if he was coming back. He needed space and it was making him ill to stay so he needed to get better on his own to get his head straight. I have been left devastated, I never thought he would actually leave and I’m so scared that he’s not coming back. We have four children between us, one of those being both of ours. On Tuesday I told him that i wouldn’t contact him until Friday as it was killing me checking my phone all the time to see if he was in contact and it would also mean I would give him some space (this was before I’d read about the no contact rule). It’s Wednesday today and he text to say that he hoped I was ok and he was going to call and get some clothes- which I already knew he was going to do, I wondered if he was just checking I wouldn’t be there… I have been at my mums house during the day as I am off work with crippling anxiety right now. Therefore I just ignored the text as I knew I wouldn’t be there to bump into him. He has a very high powered job with little respite, we both lead incredibly busy and stressful lives. I feel that he may be depressed for numerous reasons not just us but he doesn’t see that. He says he loves me so much but he can’t live like that. I don’t know what I’m going to do if he doesn’t come back to us but I know that I don’t stand a chance if I don’t give him the space he wants. Any advice to keep me going would be great. Thank you.

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 24, 2020 at 12:08 am

Hi Lucy, I think it is key that you stick to a limited no contact where you allow your husband space but in the mean time work on your holy trinity and seek help from a couples therapist if you can. At this time of course look for one who is willing to work online with you both. If he is willing to speak with a therapist it makes it easier to understand what you both want from the marriage and what you feel is missing

Nameless

March 9, 2020 at 12:38 am

What do you do if you are separated and you have agreed on a separation timeline that is longer than the 66 days to figure out if you want to stay together? What does this mean in terms of the 66 day statistic? How do you implement no contact in that situation?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 10, 2020 at 10:31 pm

Hey there, so if you are following the ERP process then you would reach out after 30 days of no contact, or 45 if you feel you need you longer. And then reach out with a text that Chris suggests to get him having a short and positive conversation

Beth

March 5, 2020 at 6:16 am

Hi there,
My ex and I have been dating since 2017. We lived together before and broke up. After that, I dated another guy for around 6 months but it didn’t work since I still talked and went out with my ex. Therefore I went back to my ex. I feel like it’s time to think about the next step and I want him to propose.
He said he wanted to marry me but there was no action. I broke up with him again and told him he should only contact me until he’s ready to settle down. I wonder if NC will work in my situation.
Thank you!

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 12, 2020 at 12:48 pm

Hi Beth so no contact is going to work to make him see that you are serious about the relationship being over. As for getting him to propose you need to learn how to increase your value from him. This would mean that you need to work on the Ungettable girl information so that you can influence your exes feelings that he needs to commit to you before someone else is willing to do so

Michaela

March 3, 2020 at 7:06 pm

Hi,
He broke up with me 3 months ago, we were in a (really good and respectful) relationship for 6 years. I’ve been accepting his calls and messages but now had enough of it (especially since he told me that he found someone new quite quickly after the breakup and that I should respect that he already moved on) and started NC 2 weeks ago. Now today he called me 5 times, texted me he was very worried about me, then called me again while he saw that I was online on WhatsApp (which I didn’t answer) and then texted me that he now knows that I was doing it on purpose, that he hoped we could stay in touch and take care of each other, but it doesn’t look like it, that he has nothing to say then and would respect my decision. Not sure if I should stay in NC or brake NC, as I’m afraid to lose him completely after this. But I also don’t get the crazy behavior he put in place with calling me so many times (incl. anonymous numbers)… quite confused at the moment..

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 15, 2020 at 9:56 pm

Hey Michaela, so you need to stick to your No Contact and make sure that it is at least 45 days of NC as he has met someone new. He should not and does not get to choose when he speaks to you! He ended the relationship so let him have a taste of what life is like with out you in it

sara

March 2, 2020 at 9:51 am

Hi, 10 months ago we met on social media and things were great. He invested on me, gifted me. He was usually the one to reach out. He didn’t propose but he made me feel so good and most wanted girl. To him I was 1/1000000. One day I said smth jokingly and he got infuriated and we ran into a bad argument and he got disappointed after seeing my emotional side And in that argument I confessed my feelings to him but in that heated stage, he turned 180 degrees and told that he just wanted to help me. Long story short, he blocked me from everywhere. I apologized but he didn’t listen. After a month he unblocked me and said that he wants to give me another chance but he also wanted me to never bring up the topic of love or commitment. He just wanted me to be there. But this didn’t go well and we again ran into a VERY bad argument, and this time I was silent. He said some harsh words to whihc I just responded calmly and told him that I cannot take this humiliation. Turns out he still wasn’t willing to let me go. But I went NC for 2 weeks. After 2 weeks I followed him back. and started liking his posts etc. THere was no response from him. I then went on complete NC and started working so hard on my self. This grabbed his attention and he stalked my stories after 2 weeks. Then after a few days he again stalked and then messageed me long respectful general messages to help me in my business the way he always did. I responded short and sweet. and went back to NC. Now it’s been 30 days of NC including a short converstation I had in the middle. I am confused should I take it to 45 days? He hasn’t reached out to me yet after that. I am on my social media game full time and I have recovered and I am healed. More so,I am working on so many new things and all is there on my social media. Should I wait for him to talk to me or should I reach out?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 12, 2020 at 9:58 pm

Hi Sara, so from the sounds of things your ex just does not want to have a committed relationship. So if you want a long term relationship this may not be the person to get that from. Unless you work the Ungettable girl information and he starts to realise that you are the best he is going to get

Mary

March 1, 2020 at 1:53 am

Hi Shaunna,

My boyfriend of just over 1 year has broken up with me last night, he said he wanted a break. He needed space and time to focus on himself and his job. (He got promoted 2 months ago).
He said he hasn’t been happy the past few weeks, and he realised this when last week i’ve been away during 1 week family holiday. He says we have similar interest and stuff in common but he doesn’t feel the deep connection to me any longer. He’s attracted to me and i’m one of the best sexual partner he’s ever been with. When I ask if there was someone else, he says ‘no’. I believed him- he’s a very honest and straight forward thinking guy. I ask if he really loved me. he also says ‘Yes’ but he’s not sure what’s his current feelings towards me are now.

We met through a dating app and we fast become very comfortable in each others presence. During the 1 year we were together we were very happy, and never had a fight. we both got along with each other’s friends and family.
We’re both in our 30’s with me being 2 years older than him. We were always teasing each other, and had loads of fun together. He’s always been the one who initiated everything first, from him wanting to meet his family, friends and to saying ‘I love you’ about 7-8 weeks into your relationship. We went steady 6 weeks in, and we both got rid of all our dating apps.

I understood the past 2 months he’s been busy at work, because of his recent promotion, his hours are Monday to Friday 2-11.30pm and he dabble on his side hustle on the weekend. But I always gave him the space and freedom when he ask for it. I was never the type of girlfriend that constantly text him everyday.
But perhaps I did had the inkling feeling when he sometimes took longer than usual to get back to my text, i felt a bit of insecurity. The past few weeks when I was with him- I feel like his mind is wandering off.
Going through my text with him, there was also a text from 3 months ago out of no where he text me ‘Are you a little pissed of with me? Because you’ve seem frustrated, but I understand if you are. I’m very goals and personal driven and sometime this means you come second’. We didn’t fight, I even encourage him to focus on work and this is a attractive trait and one of the reasons I love him. all seem fine after that, and i was careful not to overload of weekend plans.

Which came as a surprise when he ask for a break. When I ask if this was a breakup- he didn’t give a straight answer. When I ask can we still text- he said of corse. I felt blindsided, especially when never even had a chance to fight and he just broke things off. He says if he stay in this relationship, he’ll end up hurting me more.
When I agree and left crying, he was sad too and I can see that he felt guilty for cause me pain. Aew hours after we broken up and I left his place, he sent me a text ‘hope your doing ok’ I haven’t replied.

Where should I go from here?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 9, 2020 at 8:17 pm

Hi Mary, so I wouldn’t have replied to that text either! I would have just go into a No Contact for 30 days minimum. Read the articles about being Ungettable and focusing on yourself for the 30 days and then reach out with a text that Chris suggests

Annika

February 29, 2020 at 10:39 am

Hi Chris and Shaunna,

I need your help. 3 weeks ago my partner (m29) broke up with me (f28). We had been and living together for nearly two years. We met and fell in love in Australia, but we’re both originally from Germany. Our relationship was amazing. He’s caring, sweet, affectionate, smart, beautiful. I could go on all day. We barely fought. But there was times he was too much in his head. He feels lost in life. He doesn’t have direction and he feels like he’s always relied on other people too much. He basically decided a few months ago that once we were back in Germany, he needed to get his shit together. Alone. So instead of booking flights back to Germany together, he broke up with me. He said he was doubting his feelings for me (said maybe he never had any?), he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship and he needed to sort out this mess that was his life without having me, who always takes care of everything. He was also bothered by me being jealous occasionally and worried about me not liking his hometown due to running into his ex girlfriends. He was afraid it would be too much for me to handle.

Even though we broke up, we stayed together for the past 3 weeks as it was our last 3 weeks in Australia. We were the most important people for each other there and we weren’t ready to let go. Nevertheless, I’m pretty sure he’s on Tinder and actively looking for hookups (probably for an ego boost?).

Two days ago, finally, it was time to say goodbye. We had a hotel for the last night in Australia together and then said goodbye at the airport. Basically the past 48 hours before going seperate ways we both spend in tears. All we could do was hold each other and we both kept breaking down sobbing. I think for the first time it really hit him how much I meant to him and how hard it is to lose me. He was a complete mess, just like me. Although he made a comment about only being said because he’s making me sad, but I felt like it was more than that. I hope he realised it was more than that.

I’m obviously heartbroken. This was the saddest day of my life. I couldn’t stop crying. We continued to text until I got on the plane (I did beg and I was a mess). He asked me to let him know once I land safely. I didn’t text him anymore since that, so we have 48 hours of radio silence. He’s somewhere partying for the next few days and I’m sitting on a plane. Alone.

Thinking of going strict no contact, I need to get my distance from him and move on. At the same time we said we would check in with each other in a few weeks to see how we feel. I don’t know if he only said that to make me feel better

I desperately want to get back together. We had an amazing relationship and an even better time and connection. He freaked out, I get that. I also get he needs to sort his life out without always relying on me.

But what can I do? This breakup is killing me… We now live 4 hours apart and all I want is for him to come to his senses and come back.
I know no contact is supposed to help you get over your ex, but is there a chance he will come back if I go strict NC?
Also, moving back to Germany means he will be busy catching up with friends and family (partying etc). Will he even notice I’m not initiating contact? Maybe he’ll just forget about me considering he’ll be so busy with his new/old environment.

Any tips would be greatly appreciated!! Is there anything besides NC I can do to try and remind him of his feelings for me?

Also he might reach out for some help with paperwork. Should I ignore that as well?

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 12, 2020 at 11:10 pm

Hi Annika, it is difficult to accept that No Contact is the option and it goes against our natural instincts to beg and plead. But yes you do need to give it a No Contact, and if he does not reach out to you before you wait until you reach 30 days and use one of Chris texts

Andrea

February 28, 2020 at 2:21 pm

Me and my ex had been together for 4 years with so many ups and downs. He started to drift off from committing into relationship since he started his big career. But this didn’t stop me from showing my love and affections and supports for him. Although he messed up many times but I always forgive him because I know I can’t be mad at him forever. But 2 weeks ago, we finally came into a breakup. He initiated it because he claimed he don’t love me the same anymore (it made me so sad because I’ve been always there for him without counting in his mistakes and his rejections on spending time with me). He said he wanted to be alone this time and just spend his life happily with friends. I did try to convince him a couple of days. But he stood strong on his decision and I had no choice other than agreeing (although my heart isn’t ready for this). It made me question is it real when he said he really don’t feel any presence of love when I actually showed my feelings and love for him. When we have spent 4 years together since he was a total zero person until he is successful today? I encountered this site and I thought can No Contact Rule help me to get him back? No doubt that I do really love and care for him no matter how hard things are between us. I just can’t believe it that he easily give up on me. 🙁

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 6, 2020 at 10:44 pm

Hey there Andrea, so it is hard when you have supported someone and then they make you feel that they gave up easily. But yes you need to go into a No Contact and I would make sure that you focus on yourself and work the Ungettable information as best you can so that when you start the texting phase with your ex he is going to be blown away by how well you are doing with out him in your life and how you are happy even though he walked away from the relationship. Remember that you can not be too available to him!

Elia

February 27, 2020 at 10:22 am

Hi there, my ex and I were together for 1,5 years. We lived together the last 8 months of our relationship because I had some moving issues and didn’t have a place to live. We were deeply in love and I have never loved someone this much but we have gone through lots of fights lately. The day I moved into my own place she wanted space and we had a fight again. A week later she said she didn’t think the relationship could offer her what she needs. She felt that there was too much responsibillity on her end both practically and emotionally. I told her I believe things can be different now that I have my own place etc. and would fight for her/us. She told me she was still in love with me and would like a week to think. I was scared that if she wouldn’t let me try now she would distance herself emotionally and convince herself that she should go on alone.
I still gave her space and she kept on contacting me everyday. A week later again she told me she didn’t feel she has the energy now for it. I told her I wanted a chance to fight for us. We then ended up agreeing on seeing each other once a week and going back to our dating phase. I kept on giving her space and she initiated contact everyday. I didn’t get to see her during this week and then when we did meet up she told me she’s sure she can’t be in a relationship with me anymore and she just wants to stay friends. She said she feels an emotional distance (which I knew she would create) and does’t want to open up again only to be dissapointed again. She believes that we can’t change or that there’s hope for us now. I truly believe I can fulfill her needs but she told me I can still give her those things but in a platonic way only. She told me she felt a lot of pain but that this was the best way to do it. I want to do NC for myself to heal but I also hope that if we both heal we can get back into contact and maybe she will feel different about us. I want to take the NC time but I’m scared of her emotionally distancing herself further. I also owe her some money and want to let her know I will pay her back but don’t want to break NC. She told me she wanted to call or text next week and I feel bad for ignoring her. I’m not sure what to do…

EBR Team Member: Shaunna

March 12, 2020 at 10:34 pm

Hey Elia so when you need to speak to your ex about money owed that is allowed but as long as you stick to the limited no contact where you only speak of that and nothing else or even get emotional in any way that is fine. Other than those shared responsibilities you do not speak, for the 30 days.

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6,800 thoughts on “The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)”